May 3, 2020 · 10:03 am

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Heroic Health Care Workers Edition

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The world a swirling shit storm. There’s just no other way to say it. We’re in the midst a global pandemic. Society as we knew it has shut down. The economy has fallen apart. Life has become a painfully mundane waiting game. There’s a storm raging, but most of us can’t do anything to make it go away faster.

As bad as it is, there are heroes in this world. As I write this, and as you read this, they are working tirelessly to confront this pandemic and care for its victims. They’re the doctors, nurses, scientists, and various health care workers who are on the front lines, literally and figuratively. The superheroes in comics and movies may do amazing things, but what these people are doing in the real world is beyond extraordinary.

There’s not much I can say that hasn’t already been said. These people are more than heroes. Many of them are going into a situation they know puts them at risk. They’re dealing with people who are sick, dying, and vulnerable. Most of us can barely handle being stuck at home, let alone confronting life and death situations every day.

There’s a lot we can do to show our appreciation to the health care workers navigating this crisis. There are places to donate. That always helps. If you happen to know someone in that field, see if there’s something extra you can do. That helps too. For now, the best I can offer is a special brand of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. It’s not much, but it’s how I like to show my appreciation.

“For a dirty mind the line between disgust and intrigue is often blurred.”

“Trust is the invisible lubricant that makes sexy kinks possible.”

“Morning wood was the first true pop-up ad.”

“True love is only as true as a couples’ worst kept secret.”

“Feelings evoked by foreplay are the exact opposite of those evoked by traffic jams.”

“Love doesn’t make you foolish, but it forces you to compromise with many foolish impulses.”

“You’re only as kinky as your gag reflex allows.”

To all the health care workers out there, from the surgeons to the nurses to the receptionist, you are a special kind of sexy. Thank you for everything that you do. Thank you for being there on the front lines to save lives, as only you can. That kind of sexiness knows no equal.

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May 2, 2020 · 8:57 am

A Note On The “Last Of Us 2” Leaks (And Spoilers In General)

People have mixed, but intense opinions on spoilers. I know people who will get downright violent if you threaten to spoil something to them. I also know people who just roll their eyes and brush them off, as though they’re no big deal. It’s one of those issues where there’s very little middle ground.

In the age of the internet and social media, it’s almost impossible to avoid them. Some movies, video games, and TV shows can be completely spoiled in a single tweet. There are unmoderated anonymous boards like 4chan where every detail can be spoiled, alongside posts of trolls determined to make ordinary people gouge their eyes out.

Personally, I prefer to read spoilers before I see a movie, buy a game, or get invested in a show. When I saw “Dark Phoenix” and “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” I read spoilers beforehand. They actually made me more excited to see those movies because I liked what I read.

Sometimes, I make exceptions. I avoided spoilers for both “Avengers: Endgame” and “Breaking Bad.” In those cases, I really wanted to feel the impact when I saw how the story played out the first time. While I doubt reading spoilers would’ve made me enjoy both stories any less, there was an element of impact that I couldn’t have gotten otherwise.

I think a lot of people make exceptions when it comes to spoilers, but sometimes they have an impact that goes beyond spoiling a surprise. That’s what happened recently with “The Last of Us Part 2,” one of the most anticipated video games of the past decade. As someone who played the first “The Last of Us” and praised it on multiple occasions, I was among those brimming with excitement.

Then, an employee at the developer, Naughty Dog, leaked the entire story. Out of respect for those who still don’t want to be spoiled, I won’t go into detail here. I’ll just cite the report by Den of Geek, who also made a concerted effort to avoid such details.

Den of Geek: The Last of Us 2 Leaked Plot Confirmed by Naughty Dog

The Last of Us Part 2‘s story has been leaked. Various clips that showcase nearly the entirety of the game’s story have made their way online. Naughty Dog has recently confirmed the leak via a tweet that asks fans to not spoil the game for others and to avoid spoilers if possible.

The extent of this leak is massive. Not only do these leaked clips include nearly every major cutscene from The Last of Us Part 2, but it seems that fans have also gotten their hands on a leaked level list that details the story structure of the sequel.

Now, I’m going to be careful with my words here because I don’t want to spoil this game for those who don’t want to be spoiled. Even though the leaks have spread on nearly every platform, I don’t want to compound the issue. The primary reason I’m bringing this issue up with “The Last of Us Part 2” is because this whole situation with spoilers has some important insights that are worth mentioning.

The biggest insight, thus far, is just how much these spoilers effect the perception of the game. Before the leaks came out, “The Last of Us Part 2” was by far one of the most anticipated games of the year. Naughty Dog’s reputation was very polished and there weren’t many people saying bad things about them.

That situation has been completely reversed.

While it’s hard to gauge every reaction, I’ve seen a fairly consistent pattern. Almost everyone, including those who were very excited about this game, are incredibly disappointed by this. It’s not just that the story was spoiled. The details of that story have rubbed everyone the wrong way.

Without getting into specifics, they effectively undermine some of the most important aspects of the first game. The journey the players took in “The Last of Us“ was a deeply emotional experience. Even if you’d read the spoilers ahead of time, there’s a lot of appeal to that experience. I knew the basic of the game long before I played it. It still had a profound impact on me by the time I got to the end of the game.

With “The Last of Us Part 2,” that impact is effectively undercut. The journey that we took in the first game doesn’t matter as much in this game. Everything that made you fall in love with these characters and their struggles is either ignored or overshadowed by something else. For anyone who loved the first game, where’s the appeal in that?

There are also some “political” overtones to the story that have rubbed people the wrong way. I put “political” in quotes because in the world of video games, “political” is usually just code for “political or ideological leanings that I don’t agree.” I’ve never cared much for that. In general, I try to avoid it, but it has become an unfortunate trend in video games, thanks to scandals that have only gotten more absurd with time.

The only aspect of “politics” that I resent in video games, and media in general, is how it tends to hallow out a story. If the point of a story is to just score certain points with certain ideologies, then it renders the story bland and predictable. When done poorly, it becomes outright propaganda.

Based on these spoilers, I won’t say that “The Last of Us Part 2” reeks or propaganda, but the ideological themes are not exactly subtle. While those themes don’t bother me personally, I’ve seen enough internet outrage mobs to know the reaction it’ll incur. That reaction will only obscure any legitimate criticism of the game and its story.

I had not pre-ordered this game, but I was planning to once a new release date was finalized. Now, I’ve no desire to play this game anytime soon. I’ll still follow reviews and feedback. If parts of these leaks prove to be inaccurate, I’ll gladly change my tune. To date, however, nobody at Naughty Dog has denied them. That’s often a sign that they’re real.

To some extent, I’m grateful. I’d much rather learn about this before I dropped over $60 on a game that was only going to disappoint me. During these times, nobody can afford to waste that kind of money. I’ll wait until others play the game to see how the full story plays out. Maybe it’ll work out in the end, but I’m not very hopeful.

It’s a disappointing turn for something that I was genuinely excited about. It also darkens the prospect of this franchise becoming a how on HBO. It’ll be interesting to see how these leaks and the reactions to them effect the sales of the game. If it’s as bad as some dread, then the emotional journey that this franchise took us on could come to an abrupt and tragic end.

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May 1, 2020 · 6:01 am

Ode To “Hold My Hand” By Hootie And The Blowfish: My First Favorite Love Song

When we’re kids, we rarely listen closely to the songs we love. It starts almost immediately after we graduate from singing along to nursery rhymes to singing along to whatever song is on the radio. We rarely understand the meaning of the song, the lyrical structure, or any subtext or innuendo. We just like how it sounds.

As a result, some of the songs we love as kids age better than others. Kids who sung the lyrics of Prince probably didn’t pick up on the incredibly sensual undertones to his lyrics. As adults, it can be somewhat jarring to learn just what those lyrics meant.

On the other end of the spectrum are the songs that only seem to get better with age. They’re not nearly as common or appreciated, but they hold a special place in our hearts, none-the-less. For me, one song in particular stands out. It’s a song that I think everyone who was alive and had a radio in 1994 probably heard at least once. It’s “Hold My Hand” by Hootie and the Blowfish.

I know they’re not the coolest band from that era. In fact, they’re one of those bands who people love to hate for shallow reasons. They’re an easy band to be cynical about. They had one massively successful album, but they never duplicated it. Their songs are cheerful, upbeat, and fun. That kind of thing just doesn’t work in a world steeped in cynicism, pessimism, and internet trolls.

However people might feel about them, they’ll always have a special place in my heart for one simple reason. That song, “Hold My Hand,” was the first love song I ever genuinely liked as a love song.

That matters a lot to me because, at the time, I was still a young kid. I was just starting to develop a taste for romance. I started noticing the romantic subplots of my favorite cartoons. I began appreciating romance in a way that set me apart from others. Then, this song came out.

It was a simple, genuine love song. The lyrics were easy to understand and follow. The tune and rhythm was catchy. Everything about it just clicked with me. While it’s not my favorite love song right now, it’s always been in my top ten. Even if you’re not a fan of the music of that era, I encourage you to appreciate the sentiment of the song.

What makes it stand out even more is just how well this song has aged. Whereas some love songs have gained a more creepy, if not stalker-like subtext, the sentiment in “Hold My Hand” actually works better today than it did in the mid-90s.

The song doesn’t involve someone professing complete and utter captivation.

It doesn’t rely on the kind of fairy tale love that exists only in Disney movies and bad romantic comedies.

It relies on love that feels real. Just read the lyrics.

With a little love and some tenderness
We’ll walk upon the water
We’ll rise above the mess
With a little peace and some harmony
We’ll take the world together
We’ll take them by the hand
‘Cause I’ve got a hand for you, oh
‘Cause I wanna run with you
Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Your head was down, your eyes were red
No comb had touched your hair
I said, get up, and let me see you smile
We’ll take a walk together
Walk the road awhile, ’cause
‘Cause I’ve got a hand for you
I’ve got a hand for you
‘Cause I wanna run with you
Won’t you let me run with you, yeah
Want you to hold my hand
(Hold my hand)
I’ll take you to a place
Where you can be
(Hold my hand)
Anything you wanna be because
I wanna love you the best that
The best that I can
See I was wasted, and I was wasting time
‘Til I thought about your problems
I thought about your crimes
Then I stood up, and then I screamed aloud
I don’t wanna be part of your problems
Don’t wanna be part of your crowd, no
‘Cause I’ve got a hand for you
I’ve got a hand for you
‘Cause I wanna run with you
Won’t you let me run with you
Want you to hold my hand
(Hold my hand)
I’ll take you to the promised land
(Hold my hand)
Maybe we can’t change the world but
I wanna love you the best that
The best that I can, yeah
Let me walk, oh won’t you let me, let me
(Hold my hand)
Want you to hold my hand
(Hold my hand)
I’ll take you to a place where you can be
(Hold my hand)
Anything you wanna be because
I oh no, no, no, no, no
(Hold my hand)
Want you to hold my hand
(Hold my hand)
I’ll take you to the promised land
(Hold my hand)
Maybe we can’t change the world but
I wanna love you the best that
The best that I can
Oh, best that I can

It feels like an honest, sincere love letter. It says I’m not going to try and love you like a queen, goddess, angel, or something other than human. I’m just going to try and love you the best that I can. I don’t want to take you far away and do all these strange, lurid things. I just want to hold your hand.

As a romantic sentiment, it’s hard to have something as simple and sweet.

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April 30, 2020 · 5:59 am

How The Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way” Became Less Romantic Over Time

Some love songs are just assumed to be romantic, regardless of what the lyrics say or how the song was inspired. You hear it on the radio. You see the music video. Like a reflex, you think love. It might be the cheesiest kind of romance there is, but it’s still romance none-the-less.

It has its place in pop music. I certainly appreciate music like that to some degree, but it only works if you don’t think too hard about it. To really enjoy it, you just have to turn off your brain and let it feel like it’s in a bad romantic comedy. This was, to a large degree, a part of what made boy bands so popular in the late 90s and early 2000s.

I remember that era. I was still young at the time. I heard all those cheesy love songs and the fanatical girls who squealed with incoherent joy whenever they heard them. I wasn’t a big fan, but I didn’t hate boy bands. I see their music like overly processed cheese. It’s good, but you can taste how bland and superficial it is.

To me, the absolute apex of the boy band era came with the Backstreet Boys and their sappy super-hit, “I want it that way.” It’s hard to overstate how big this song was in 1999. You could turn on any radio, find a random station, and hear it at some point. It was played on a loop at proms and middle school dances. I imagine more than one teenager lost their virginity because of this song.

It is, by far, the quintessential boy band song. It’s cute hot guys singing about love. You can’t get much more basic than that. Just listen to the music video that MTV played at least once an hour from that era. Even if you weren’t alive during that era, the romantic undertones are overt.

All that said, I doubt anyone who was alive in the late 90s or ever really scrutinized the lyrics. Even though the pace of the song is slow and every word is understandable, I don’t think anyone takes the time to read them in their entirety. The tune and the backdrop is just so romantic that the ambiance overshadows the actual words, but when taken as a whole, those words undermine that romantic intent.

I started noticing this years after the boy band crazed die down. Being a romance lover, I have a tendency to scrutinize all things romantic more than most. I’ve already shared some of my favorite love songs and at one point, this song was on that list. However, over the years, as I’ve listened closer to the lyrics, the song just got less and less romantic.

For reference, here are the lyrics without the backdrop of an attractive boy band and a soothing overtone. Read it closely. Really think about what they’re saying.

Yeah
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way
But we are two worlds apart
Can’t reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain’t nothin’ but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake
Tell me why
I never want to hear you say
I want it that way
Am I, your fire?
Your one, desire
Yes I know, it’s too late
But I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain’t nothin’ but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake
Tell me why,
I never want to hear you say
I want it that way
Now I can see that we’ve fallen apart
From the way that it used to be, yeah
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me
You are my fire
The one desire
You are (you are, you are, you are)
Don’t want to hear you say
Ain’t nothin’…

Parts of it are romantic. I don’t doubt that. When taken in their totality, though, it walks a fine line between love and obsession. I won’t say that it echoes with the sentiments of a stalker or someone with a creepy obsession, but it does walk the line. I would argue it’s way too close to the line.

Those first few lines about someone being their one singular desire are sweet, but more than a little obsessive. Making someone your deep, loving desire is one thing. Making them your only desire is a little unhealthy.

Then, there are the parts about heartache, being apart, and drifting away. Those are concepts inherent in many great love songs, but it doesn’t quite work here. Again, look at that first line. It’s telling someone they don’t want to hear them say they want something a certain way. It sends the message that what someone else wants is wrong. That’s not really romantic. That’s an accusation of a thought crime.

Wanting someone to love you is one thing.

Wanting them to not want something is very different. It also has some disturbing implications.

The lyrics alone tell a story of two people drifting apart and separated by distance. One person wants it that way. The other person doesn’t. On top of that, the other person has a singular focus on the other and doesn’t want them to feel that way. Is that sentiment love? Is it even romantic?

You can twist the meaning through music and context. You can make the song about longing for someone over a distance, but it requires a hell of a stretch with the words. Anything that requires that much of a stretch shows just how lacking the romance is.

I’m not saying this song isn’t a great song. I think it is. It’s popularity and staying power is proof of that. As a love song, though, it’s one of those songs that gets less and less romantic the more you scrutinize it. For any song that’s supposed to convey a romantic sentiment, why would you ever want it that way?

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April 29, 2020 · 5:52 am

Another Vacant New Comic Day, But With The Endgame (Tentatively) In Sight

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There are some things we just shouldn’t get used to. Things like racism, bigotry, and injustice are definitely at the top of that list. For lifelong comic fans like me, a Wednesday without new comics is right up there as well. Thanks to this goddamn pandemic, that’s what I’ve had to endure alongside those fans.

I remember the days of waiting anxiously for the mail to arrive, hoping that my weekly comics weren’t late, which they usually were. I had to get used to that, to some extent. Then, digital comics like Comixology came along and I never looked back. These past few weeks of having no comics while being stuck at home have been torturous, but I don’t want to get used to it.

Sadly, this week brings us yet another week in which no new comics are being released, aside from a few independent titles and some digital-only books. However, there is some tangible hope in sight. According to Newsarama, the current plan is for comics to resume shipping on May 20th.

Right now, that seems like a lifetime from now. At this point, I’m so stir crazy that my entire concept of time has been hopelessly disoriented. However, one way I’ll know that the world is starting to recover is when I wake up Wednesdays to see new comics in my Comixology account. If May 20th is that day, then that’s a day I intend to celebrate.

In the meantime, I have no pull lists to share. However, I was able to find a nice little gem from the digital only selections from DC Comics. It’s not the same as the regular ongoings that I’ve been following, but it’s better than nothing. At this point, that’s the most anyone can hope for.

My Pick/Gem Of The Week

Wonder Woman: Agent of Peace #2

I have mixed feelings when it comes to digital-only comics. In a perfect world, they would have the same weight as their paperback counterparts. Sadly, we don’t live in that world. Digital comics are still treated as more a novelty than a legitimate medium for expanding the comics world. The impact of a global pandemic may change that and books like “Wonder Woman: Agent of Peace #2” will certainly help in that effort.

It doesn’t somehow further the vast, complex tapestry that is the DC’s mainline continuity.

It doesn’t reinvent or redefine an iconic character.

It’s just a solid, well-rounded story about Wonder Woman and Lois Lane. Writers Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmoitti keep things simple with this story, but still find a way to give it that dramatic impact that Wonder Woman comics have given us for decades. For Lois Lane fans, it’s a nice bonus in that she gets to shine in a role outside of being Superman’s love interest.

Lois does her part as a brave, intrepid reporter in this story. She willingly gets on a rickety old plane and flies into the Himalaya Mountains in search of some lost mountain climbers. Since she’s Lois Lane, this ends with her confronting an ancient bloodthirsty monster intent on turning humans into kabobs. This is where Wonder Woman plays her role.

There’s plenty of combat and volatility to go around. Daniel Sampere’s art makes it the wondrous spectacle that it deserves to be. Wonder Woman gets to fight a monster. Lois gets to save some intrepid mountain climbers and secure a story that’s sure to strike all the right chords, even in the era of fake news and internet trolls.

It’s as pure a story as anyone could hope for with these two iconic characters. Wonder Woman gets to be a warrior of compassion. Lois Lane gets to be the champion of truth, justice, and the American way, albeit without the cape and red underwear. Even if it isn’t some game-changing story in the larger continuity, “Wonder Woman: Agent of Peace #2” is a solid story that’s well worth the price.

Did I also mention that digital comics tend to be substantially cheaper than paperbacks? If not, I probably should. At a time when we’re all stuck home and in need of discount entertainment, this is as good a time as any for digital comics to show their worth. Hopefully, “Wonder Woman: Agent of Peace #2” can demonstrate just how valuable they can be.

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April 28, 2020 · 5:57 am

The Moment I Knew Puberty Began For Me

In life, there are certain moments when you know you’ve reached a certain milestone. Sometimes, it’s obvious. From the first time you drive a car to the first time you kiss someone who isn’t your mother, they stand out in your memory. It’s not always pleasant. Some moments are more awkward than others, but they mark a major change in your life.

Going through puberty is one of those things that generates more awkward moments than most. I challenge anyone to recount their transformation from kid to adult without at least one part being awkward. I’ve shared a few stories from my youth, some being a lot more awkward than others. I can laugh about them now, but they marked critical points in my life that have only become more relevant as I’ve gotten older.

For most of us, there’s no one single point when we know we’ve entered puberty. You don’t just wake up one day and know that you’re a teenager now. All those crazy mental and physical changes don’t happen all at once. If they did, few of us would survive the process with our sanity intact.

That said, there are some moments that, in hindsight, mark a particular point in your life when you realize that this transformation has become. You’ve crossed the point of no return. You’re becoming a teenager now. Eventually, you’ll become an adult. It can be daunting, but it’s a part of life.

In that spirit, I’d like to share a particular moment that still stands out to me after all these years. It’s a moment in which I realized that I wasn’t a kid anymore. Puberty has begun and there’s no going back. At that moment, it was just a strange realization that I discounted. However, over time, it became a turning point.

It happened while I was in the fifth grade. It was late spring. We had just come back from Spring Break. The weather had finally gotten nice enough to enjoy recess without heavy jackets. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I was just glad I could stop dressing in layers.

On this particular day, though, it was very humid. Coming back from recess, everyone was a lot sweatier than usual. Being kids, we didn’t care. We were just glad to get outside and away from book reports. I don’t remember much else about what happened that day, but I can vividly recall what happened the moment we returned to class.

As soon as we sat down at our tests and my teacher got to the front of the room, she made an impromptu announcement that will forever echo in my memory.

“You all, stink.”

I swear I’m not paraphrasing. That’s exactly what my teacher told us. She was an credibly blunt, straightforward woman. She didn’t mince words and this was one instance in which they couldn’t be sugarcoated.

She took a good five minutes of class time to give an impromptu lecture on how much we smell. She wasn’t polite about it. She just said in every possible way that we really smell and we need to start using deodorant. Past teachers have told us we smelled before, but never like this. It was the first time in which I became mindful of body odor.

I was really taken aback by this, as were plenty of classmates. Keep in mind, we’re all just 5th graders. We still see ourselves as kids and not teenagers. Some were more mature than others, but we were still kids at heart. I certainly felt that way. After this, however, that changed.

When I left class that day, it started to sink in. I was going through puberty. At that point, I knew what it was. I’d taken a health class. My parents also told me about it, too. I just didn’t think it would happen for another couple years. When I looked in the mirror, I still saw a kid. Now, I took note of some very real changes.

Body odor was just one. At the same time, I started noticing acne and body hair. It was very subtle. It didn’t happen all at once, but after that day, I became much more aware of it. By the time I got to middle school, I couldn’t deny it anymore. I was a teenager at that point. That fateful day in the 5th grade was just the first time I realized it.

I’ve come to appreciate that moment more and more over the years. I still had many difficulties, as most kids do when they become teenagers. Some were more manageable than others. I probably could’ve handled it better, in hindsight. However, it’s still remarkable to think that it all began with that one fateful day.

Do you have a day like that? Is there one particular moment in which you realized puberty had begun for you? If so, please share it in the comments.

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April 27, 2020 · 6:01 am

Pandemics, Pollution, And The Potential Effects

For most of my life, I’ve lived in the same general area on the east coast of the United States. There was a brief four years in which I traveled south to go to college, but in general, I’ve remained in a particular area all my life.

In that time, I’ve seen many changes in the environment. Some have been good. Some have been awful. Some have attracted a suspicious number of pigeons and stoners. I like to think I’ve gotten pretty familiar with that environment, from the air quality to the weather patterns.

Now, I’m about to find out how much that environment can change in the span of a year.

A lot has been made about the effects of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. A lot is going to be made of it for years to come. Eventually, it’ll become a movie and I doubt it’ll be an uplifting one. It’ll probably take years to grasp just how much changed over the course of a year, but some changes will be more noticeable than others.

One of them involves air pollution. Some might call it the most morbid kind of silver lining, but it’s true. According to recent satellite data, the effects of the pandemic have caused record drops in air pollution all over the world, from China to Italy to the United States.

The Guardian: Coronavirus pandemic leading to huge drop in air pollution

The coronavirus pandemic is shutting down industrial activity and temporarily slashing air pollution levels around the world, satellite imagery from the European Space Agency shows.

One expert said the sudden shift represented the “largest scale experiment ever” in terms of the reduction of industrial emissions.

Readings from ESA’s Sentinel-5P satellite show that over the past six weeks, levels of nitrogen dioxide (NO2) over cities and industrial clusters in Asia and Europe were markedly lower than in the same period last year.

I bolded that text about this being a large scale experiment because it’s one of the major changes we’ll all feel, even after the pandemic has passed. What happens to the world when air pollution suddenly drops? What happens when the air in places like Los Angeles is cleaner than it’s been in decades?

That’s not a rhetorical question, nor is it a facetious one. For decades, we’ve heard a lot of doom-saying from environmentalists about the damage air pollution will do to us. While I have mixed feelings about the rhetoric of environmentalists, I don’t deny that this activity has had a significant impact on the planet. However, it’s difficult to appreciate the extent of that impact.

Now, we have a chance to experience it in a novel way.

I’m already seeing some of it first-hand. For years, I’ve grown somewhat used to the smog in my area that often persists in the spring and summer. For these past few weeks, the air has been so clean and crisp that I’m not even sure what season it is.

I’ve also felt it in terms of allergies. I’ve suffered from allergies all my life and air pollution only makes it worse. Every spring, I brace myself for at least a few weeks of constant headaches, congestion, and coughing. I’ve had none of that for the past two months. That’s a first since I left for college.

That has me wondering what this will mean for the coming winter of 2020 and into 2021. This concerns me more than summer because for the past five years, my area has enjoyed a long succession of mild winters. The last major winter storm we had was the infamous snowmaggedon storm of 2010. That was a decade ago. We’re overdue.

I can count on one hand all the years in which my area has had a huge blizzard. I can also count on one hand all the years in which winter was bitterly cold for months on end. It’s been years since my area had any of that. Is part of that due to climate change? It’s hard to say. Climate and weather patterns are very complex. However, this coming year will be an intriguing test.

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April 26, 2020 · 9:29 am

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: NFL Draft 2020 Edition

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For football fans, the NFL Draft is the annual celebration of hope for the teams that earned a high draft pick. By that, I mean they were terrible the previous year and are badly in need of some fresh talent. The NFL Draft gives them that opportunity. Sometimes, one pick can be the difference between another losing season and a slew of championship. Just ask the New England Patriots.

This year, however, the NFL Draft is set to have a different impact. Usually, the draft is mostly just a glorified news feed, detailing the picks for various teams. Only major football fans tune in or pay attention. That’s often because this is usually the time baseball, basketball, and hockey are playing relevant games.

These are not usual times, unfortunately. Thanks to a global pandemic, we are in the midst of the greatest dearth of sports in decades.

Despite this crisis, the NFL has made clear they are going forward with the draft. Granted, it won’t be the same massive party that they had last year in Nashville. It’s going to happen primarily in a TV studio with many players streaming their reaction from various locations. It’s not going to have much fanfare, but it’s the first major sporting event we’ve had in over a month.

As a lifelong football fan, I’ve always been fond of the draft. This year, I’m just happy to see anything sports related that isn’t a replay of some old game. The NFL Draft is a celebrated event because it brings hope to millions of fans. Hope is something we need a lot more of right now. These Sexy Sunday Thoughts are my way of supplementing it. Enjoy!

“Porn stars are business savvy in that they’ve monetized their genitals.”

“The difference between being adventures and kinky in the bedroom is in which body parts you’re willing to strain.”

“Sleeping with an asshole is an indirect form of masochism.”

“Building love on a foundation of lies is like having sex on a bed of broken glass.”

“Women should be inherently skeptical of a man who can’t hide his porn stash very well.”

“Someone who works hard and plays hard knows how to make love just hard enough.”

“Loneliness is your genitals reminding you that you’re not getting laid.”

I miss sports. I cannot overstate that enough. As much as I love the NFL Draft, I wish there was more to follow at the moment. Since that’s not likely to change anytime soon, I’ll be sure to watch this years draft with a bit more scrutiny than I have before. It’s not much, but during a crisis, I’ll gladly take it.

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April 25, 2020 · 9:34 am

Study: Men With Bionic Penises Satisfy Their Partners Better (And The Implications)

A while back, I highlighted a recent story about a man who became the first recipient of a “bionic penis.” If I’m being honest, I had a lot of fun writing about that topic. Being a man among many who know the issues, taboos, and anxieties men have about their penises, that story got me contemplating a bold and sexy future.

Since then, other major issues have stolen the medical spotlight, but the sexy prospects of bionic genitals have not disappeared completely. In fact, late 2019 brought us some revealing scientific insights that were published in a peer reviewed journal. I suspect that, were it not for a global pandemic, this would be getting a lot more attention. As a study, it might very well be the sexiest conclusion in the history of science.

Simply put, the study showed that men who received penile implants satisfied their partners better than men with ordinary, non-bionic penises. In terms of raw numbers, it’s not a trivial difference either. The women whose lovers packed a bionic member achieved orgasm at a higher rate than those without one. Given the continued existence of the orgasm gap, this is a big deal with respect to our collective sex lives.

If you want more detail, you can read the abstract of the study below. You can also get a copy of the full paper, but since it was published in late 2019, it’s behind a paywall. Even so, the abstract itself is fairly revealing.

Journal of Andrologia: Post malleable Penile Prosthesis Satisfaction in elderly patients

Abstract: Post penile implant sexual satisfaction in elderly patients is a multi-factorial issue. In the present study, we investigated the possible implication of age on satisfaction after malleable penile implant surgery in elderly patients. We compared post‐operative sexual satisfaction in the elderly with that of a younger age group (reference group). Patients were classified into three groups according to their ages (group I <45, group II between 45 and 65, and group III older than 65 years old). Modified Erectile Dysfunction Inventory of Treatment Satisfaction (EDITS) questionnaire was used at 3, 6 and 12 months after implant surgery. EDITS scores showed statistically significant high satisfaction rates in all age groups. EDITS scores were higher in the early post‐operative period in younger groups compared to elderly patients. However, the difference between groups was insignificant at 12 months post‐operatively (p value = .06). Our results show that elderly patients have a high post‐operative satisfaction rate close to that of younger age groups, and they are suitable candidates for penile implant surgery with good and realistic post‐operative sexual satisfaction expectations.

Beyond the science and the data, let’s take a moment to appreciate the bigger picture. Penile implants have been around for years, but their capabilities and effectiveness had a lot of room for improvement. The implants being developed now may not be a giant leap, but they are a major step forward.

At a time when lab grown body parts, including vaginas, are advancing and biotechnology is becoming big business, this is one of those technologies that’s sure to get more attention than others. Curing diseases and easing suffering is great, but an advance that helps us have better sex and please our lovers is going to make more noise, literally and figuratively.

As any man, and many unsatisfied women, will tell you, the function of a natural penis has its limits. There’s a reason why treating sexual dysfunction is such a lucrative business. Unlike women, men have to deal with long refractory periods in between orgasms. Even when the desire is there, our bodies don’t always cooperate. It can be frustrating and that can ruin any sexy moment.

A bionic penis isn’t subject to those same limits. In theory, a well-designed mechanical member can operate beyond the capabilities of even a seasoned male porn star. The ones used in the study operate by pressing a button that operates an internal pump. It’s basically an erection on-demand, which might as well be a super power for some men and quite a few women.

It’s a good start, but it’s not going to stop there. If nothing else, this study shows that current technology can already meet or exceed the satisfaction achieved with a naturally functioning penis. That’s more then enough reason to keep refining this technology, making it cheaper and more accessible to men everywhere.

It still has a long way to go. Right now, these implants are basically a last resort for men for whom all other treatments have failed. With enough refinement, however, it could become to men what breast implants are to women. When coupled with other advances in biotechnology, they may get to a point where they’re not just marginally better than natural penises. They’re better by an entire order of magnitude.

What that means for men, their lovers, and our collective sex lives is hard to discern. I’ve tried to do my part by writing sexy short stories on such matters, but only time, research, and refinement will reveal how bionic penises will impact our future. This study is just the first of its kind. Given the breadth of our collective libido, I doubt it’ll be the last.

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April 24, 2020 · 5:57 am

It’s Official: Pandemics Ruin Fridays

These past couple months have taught us a lot about ourselves. Granted, these are things we never wanted to learn, but it’s hard to avoid at this point. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, what party you belong to, or what your background is. A virulent disease doesn’t give a damn. It infects everyone it can.

This disease has already ruined a lot so far. From sports to movie releases to comic book releases, this pandemic has disrupted everything, large and small. There were some major family events that occurred recently and I couldn’t be part of it because of this damn disease. It breaks my heart and pisses me off, but there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Well, after nearly two months of isolation, I think I’m ready to declare that this pandemic has ruined something else. For me, at least, this disease has completely ruined Fridays.

I doubt I’m alone in this sentiment. I know plenty of people who will reach out to me on a Friday morning and say “Happy Friday!” in a semi-joking manner. I always appreciate the sentiment. It’s a nice reminder that the weekend is almost here and there’s plenty of fun to be had.

Now, what’s the point of looking forward to the weekend?

Why even get excited on Fridays anymore?

Those aren’t rhetorical questions. I’m not being sarcastic either. Seriously, what makes Fridays special anymore? School has already been canceled for many students. Social gatherings are effectively banned. There are no sports to watch. Movie theaters, bars, and restaurants are all closed. You can’t even throw a party in some states without breaking stay at home orders.

At this point, Fridays are nothing more than just another day that we have to endure in this pandemic-fueled shit storm. There’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no reason to get excited about anything. I usually try to avoid depressing rants, but this has been bugging me for a while. I just wanted to share that sentiment. Like I said, I doubt I’m the only one who feels that way.

With that in mind, let’s all stop saying “Happy Friday!” or “TGIF!” until this shit storm is over. At this point, it’s just a painful reminder of how bad this pandemic has gotten and we have enough of that.

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