Tag Archives: raunchy jokes

It’s official now! We made it through another year. After making it through 2020, this might not seem like quite as great a feat. At the same time, this year still came with plenty of unique challenges, some of which aren’t completely resolved. That doesn’t mean we failed. It just means there’s more work to be done.

Despite these frustrating circumstances, I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year’s celebration. Whether it involved a small gathering with friends and family or just a night to yourself with a bottle of cheap champagne, there was plenty of reasons to celebrate. Making it another year in this crazy world, especially after the events of the past two years, is quite a feat.

Now, as we head into 2022, we can look forward to achieving even more. It may seem daunting, but that’s exactly why we shouldn’t shy away from the challenge. Each year is another opportunity to learn, grow, and adapt to an ever-changing world. Sometimes those changes can be pretty harsh, but that only serves to make us stronger in the long run.

It also gives us a better appreciation for everything we hold deer. From the lives we build to the friends we make to the family we cherish, making it through another year helps give us perspective. We need that every now and then to see the bigger picture of our lives and the world around us. It’s often as reassuring as it is necessary.

So, on this first day of 2022, I hope everyone finds a way to celebrate and appreciate this new year in whatever way they see fit. Here’s to making this year better than each one that came before it. As one final gift, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to get us going on the right foot for 2022. Enjoy!

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“The difference between flirtation and seduction is how intentional an erection ends up being.”

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“Does receiving oral sex from a cannibal counts as thrill sex?”

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“If you’re attractive and willing to get naked, you can make any activity seem sexy.”

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“True love is genuinely wanting to give your lover an orgasm and make them breakfast the next morning.”

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“Like it or not, a non-insignificant part of the population was conceived during an orgy.”

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“If someone’s bucket list has a lot of depraved sex acts, then you can usually assume they’re a bit repressed.”

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“A man sharing his porn stash with his lover should count as a romantic gesture.”

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas the other day. I certainly did. There were gifts exchanged, feasts enjoyed, and plenty of wonderful moments between family and friends. It was beautiful, festive, and memorable for all the right reasons. To my wonderful family, I thank you once more for making this another great Christmas.

Whatever you did to celebrate, be it small or large in scale, I hope it was just as great. Whether it was getting the best present you could’ve asked for or just sharing a large meal with the family, I hope you did something special. After this past year, we needed that, albeit for reasons not too different from what we faced in 2020.

I know the news in recent weeks has been less than ideal. I also know that next year is already looking to be plenty challenging, more so than we’d hoped. We’ll get to those challenges soon enough. For now, let’s just take a step back and appreciate the feeling of having made it through the holidays once more.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. It has always been special to me for so many reasons. This year was no exception. Things with my family are constantly evolving. One day, I hope they evolve even more once I meet that special someone. For this year, though, I’m just glad I was able to share it with the people I love.

Even though Christmas is over, there’s still some holiday spirit left to celebrate. To that end, here is one more gift from me to you. It’s my Christmas 2021 edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

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“Anything that causes erections will always have more value than gold in the long run.”

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“Every birthday party is an indirect celebration of your parents’ orgasms.”

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“Nagging is evolution’s way of keeping people from getting too horny.”

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“Trying to make sex feel better is like trying to make sugar taste sweeter.”

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“Would you trust a man who claims to be straight, but has a stash of gay porn?”

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“The fact that idiots have kids is proof that sex is truly fool proof.”

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“Does the fact that some of us were conceived during the sexual revolution mean it succeeded?”

I love Christmas more than most people. I hope I’ve made that abundantly clear. If I haven’t, then I honestly don’t know how much more I can belabor the point. I love the holidays and all the colorful festivities that come with it. I always have and I try to share that love with others as much as I can.

That said, I didn’t get the appeal of ugly Christmas sweaters for the longest time. I’m also not a big fan of sweaters in general, mostly because the ones I had to wear as a kid were itchy as hell. I can probably count on one hand all the times I’ve willingly worn a sweater on one hand, which is why I really didn’t care for the whole ugly Christmas sweater gimmick.

In recent years, though, that sentiment has changed. Some of that might just be because I’m getting older and my fondness for Christmas has become more refined. However, I think most of that is because I’ve come across plenty of ugly Christmas sweaters that are funny, sexy, or some combination of the two.

These days, ugly Christmas sweaters are very much their own market. You don’t have to look far to find some that are as obscene as they are colorful. Not all of them are inherently sexy, but if your lover is wearing one, then it definitely gains a new appeal.

I’ve never had a girlfriend wear an ugly Christmas sweater for the sake of sex appeal, nor have I worn one for them, but I hope future love interests are open to it. If nothing else, it injects a little humor into the holidays and that can only make the overall experience more enjoyable.

With Christmas just a week away, it’s a good time to dig into the world of ugly Christmas sweaters. See what you can find. See which ones are funny, sexy, or both. Here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to get your holiday spirit inspired, among other things. Enjoy!

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“True love means making a genuine effort to ensure your lover has as many or more orgasms than you.”

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“Is a massage that doesn’t make you horny really a quality massage?”

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“Someone who loves skin-tight clothing is already half-way towards becoming a nudist.”

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“Is it ironic or fitting that describing orgasms often makes us horny?”

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“By default, there’s no comfortable way to find out you enjoy being choked during sex.”

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“Like it or not, the prequel to any family home movie was a porno.”

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“Those who cannot access internet porn probably have a more vivid imagination than those who can.”

It’s the middle of December and Christmas is just a few weeks away. That means a lot of things for those eager to celebrate, more so for someone like me who takes the holidays very seriously. There are many wonderful traditions that go into making the holidays so festive, but there’s one in particular that I feel is underrated.

It has to do with specific kind of Christmas special. I know that’s timely because, at this point in the month, there’s no shortage of those specials. You don’t have to look far to find one. Every streaming service promotes them and every channel seems to air one every other hour. They’re practically unavoidable.

Now, I love Christmas special. I always have. However, it’s the heartfelt, Hallmark style specials that I find the most enjoyable. I know that’s a little strange coming from a straight man, but considering my long-time love of romance, I think it’s fitting.

I also think the seeds were planted early. When I was young, my parents took me to see “Home Alone.” In addition to being a modern-day Christmas classic, it was also genuinely heartwarming. I distinctly remember grinning widely when I saw that last scene when Kevin embraced his mom.

Movies, shows, and TV specials like that have always had a special place in my heart. They’re also a big part of my standard holiday traditions. I enjoy them alone, but they’re definitely better when you can enjoy them with that special someone. Sure, they can be a bit cheesy and corny, but that’s exactly what makes them so endearing.

It’s the holidays. I think we all need to be a little corny with one another. It’s part of what makes it special. In that spirit, I encourage everyone to enjoy at least one heartfelt holiday special. Try and enjoy it with that special someone. It’ll rouse your Christmas spirit and maybe a few other things if you’re lucky. If you need to get in the right mood for those specials, maybe these Sexy Sunday Thoughts will help. Enjoy!

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“No matter how much money or power someone has, their orgasms probably aren’t that different than yours.”

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“Sometimes, being sexually compatible requires that you not be too disgusted by your lover’s tastes in porn.”

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“Going to great lengths for love sometimes means wearing uncomfortable clothes to make your lover horny.”

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“Expecting monogamy from a sex addict is like expecting table manners from a toddler.”

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“Having hot sex in the middle of winter counts as a cost-saving measure for your heating bill.”

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“There’s a good chance that whoever invented anal bleaching was a horny germaphobe.”

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“If too few adults warn teenagers of how horny they’re going to get, then too many teenagers are bound to find out the hard way.”

There’s a time and a place for the rough, raunchy, and crude brand of loving. Whether it’s a sloppy kiss or full-on sex, it has its place in our romantic pallet. It even has its place in the world of romance, including the sexy kind I like to write. It’s raw, but blunt. It gets the point across and there are situations where that works beautifully.

Then, there are the moments that require a tender touch. There’s certainly a time and place for this too, but I feel like it isn’t celebrated quite as much. Some of that is just because it comes off as cliché and corny. I understand that to some extent, but I think that corniness is too shallow a criticism. It also obscures how powerful your lover’s tender touch can be.

Whether it’s a simple romantic moment or a night of passion, the tender kind of loving can be powerful. It adds depths to the intimacy. It compounds the passion of a moment. Even if you think it’s corny, it’s hard to overlook how impactful it can be, especially when you’re lonely, vulnerable, or depressed.

It can be subtle or elaborate, but it’s the sentiment behind those tender gestures that make it so powerful. When you share that kind of tenderness with someone, holding and caressing them with the utmost care, it shows how much you mean to them. It also shows that you’re willing to be gentle, as well as honest with them.

After the past couple years, I hope our collective appreciation of such tender gestures has only grown. As the weather gets colder, I encourage everyone to share some of that tenderness with your lover every chance you get. To et you in the mood, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

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“Monogamy requires a lot of effort, but polygamy requires a lot more energy.”

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“If you’re not big on hugs, then chances are you won’t be a great stripper.”

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“A bachelor party without strippers is like Christmas without presents.”

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“Practically speaking, a dating app that caters to sex addicts is not likely to result in lasting relationships.”

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“Sex is the primary reason why we’ve made so many advances in lube.”

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“A drug that makes you less horny can only be so addictive.”

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“You can’t say you’re in love with someone if you’re willing to share your bed, but not help pay their bills.”

By now, I hope everyone has had a wonderful and filling Thanksgiving. If your family is anything like mine, you might still be digesting everything you’ve eaten over the past several days. The deserts alone have really stuck with me, but for all the right reasons. Even if your family prefers to keep things low-key, it’s still a festive feast full of food, family, and football.

Whatever you’ve done to celebrate the holiday, I hope it was both enjoyable and delicious. This year was extra rewarding, mostly because my family could enjoy a more traditional Thanksgiving. By that, I mean we could celebrate without having to plan everything around an ongoing pandemic. Granted, the pandemic still affected things, but not nearly as much as last year.

That only made the turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and pies taste even better. It also made spending time with the people I love even more rewarding. Knowing we’ve navigated this mess for nearly two years just shows how far we’ve come. It also gave us a chance to just step back, set aside all the crap going on in the world, and enjoy a delicious meal together.

For that, I am truly thankful.

One of these years, though, I hope I can find that special someone that I can invite to these Thanksgiving feasts. I would love to share the joys of my family’s festive gatherings. Plus, having that special someone also gives us a sexy way of burning off all the calories. That didn’t happen this year. Maybe next year will be different.

Once again, I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Now is as good a time as any to burn off those excess calories in the sexiest way possible. Here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to get you going. Enjoy!

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“Being lazy and wanting a three-way is like being stupid and wanting a PHD.”

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“Someone with a firm handshake probably gives great hand-jobs.”

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“Statistically speaking, there’s a good chance you’ve been kissed on the cheek by someone who gave a blowjob within the last 24 hours.”

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“We’ll never know how many times we almost caught our parents having sex.”

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“When you think about it, wet dreams could mean you’re either watching too much porn or not enough.”

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“If you have low self-esteem, then dating a dominatrix is a bad idea.”

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“To some extent, orgasms were our first true rating system.”

Intimacy comes in many forms. Showing love, affection, and passion can involve a great many gestures. It varies from person to person and couple to couple. It depends heavily on your culture, your personality, and even your kinks. Some are genuinely unique in how they share their love with others, even in non-sexual situations.

Then, there are certain gestures that convey a special kind of intimacy. They don’t always cross cultures or customs, but they get the point across. That’s how I feel about kissing that involves lots of tongue.

It may just be a personal preference of mine, but I really enjoy kissing with a lot of tongue. When I was dating my ex-girlfriend, that was something we both enjoyed immensely. It helped that she was very playful when it came to kissing. She was not the one to just give you a peck on the cheek. She really put some extra energy into it.

I know that’s not for everyone, but whenever a little tongue entered the equation, it really made things special. I really came to appreciate it. I still do, even after we broke up. Whenever I see another couple kissing, I think their willingness to use some extra tongue says a lot about the passion they share.

Again, everyone has their own way of sharing intimacy. For me, a little tongue with every kiss goes a long way. If you’re not convinced, try I with your lover. To help, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to get all the right passions flowing. Enjoy!

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“Practically speaking, men who do chores should have more sex appeal by default.”

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“A good lover sometimes means not hesitating to stick your fingers into very specific places.”

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“If you’re not a people person, then an orgy is probably not for you.”

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“Women with big tits will always get away with more than men with big dicks.”

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“Some kids inherently know that they were the byproduct of a quickie.”

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“Using dating apps while you’re horny is like going to a buffet when you’re hungry.”

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“We should all appreciate and honor those who had to test ineffective condoms.”

I’m not a big traveler. I never have been too fond of long road trips or drives in general. I did used to enjoy flying, but that process has only gotten less and less convenient over the years for reasons I’m sure most already appreciate. That sentiment only got worse when the COVID-19 pandemic hit.

That said, I do enjoy my regular vacations. I also enjoy getting away for a while, going somewhere far from home and just taking in new experiences. I’ve found that, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve only come to appreciate that even more.

However, there’s one aspect of travel that definitely has an overtly sexual connotation. That would be the so-called “Mile High Club.” For those who have been too sheltered or have just forgotten too much during lockdowns, the mile high club is shorthand for those who have had sex on a plane.

It’s not just a generic porno scenario. This club exists. People really do try to join it. I know people who have. Granted, not every experience is sexy or memorable. I even have one friend who tried and failed with his girlfriend at the time, but it was a disaster.

Like anything involving sex and intimacy, there’s a right and wrong way to do it. I get the sense most don’t know that way or just never get the opportunity. I don’t know if I ever will, but if I ever do meet the love of my life, I’m certainly going to raise the issue. Hopefully, she has an adventurous spirit.

Now that more people are traveling, I suspect the mile high club will be making a comeback over the next few months. If you’re going to try to join it, please be safe and be careful. At the same time, don’t be afraid to be a little bold. To that end, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to inspire those who seek to join this rare and sexy club. Enjoy!

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“The race to achieve orgasm is the only race where a tie is ideal.”

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“Being strict parent always runs the risk of raising a future dominatrix.”

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“In general, you’re living dangerously by hooking up with someone who has anger issues and loves rough sex.”

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“The faces we make during orgasm are as close as we’ll ever get to being real-life emojis.”

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“If hypnotism actually worked, then magicians and therapists would get laid more than rock stars.”

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“If you’re serious about your health, then wouldn’t it make sense to find doctors sexy?”

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“Like it or not, some of us exist because of premature ejaculation.”

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks. Between Halloween and Election Day, I wouldn’t blame anyone if they just wanted to use this weekend to relax and unwind. We all need that. With the holidays right around the corner, the best weekend plans at this point involve no plans.

That was my approach this weekend. It also helped that it has been a somewhat rainy weekend where I live. In the middle of summer, that usually bothers me. This time of year, though, I genuinely enjoy it. I find it so soothing, especially in the morning. If I wake up on a crisp Saturday morning and I hear rain outside, I know I’m going to have a good day.

Other than the sun not glaring through my windows, that relaxing sound of morning rain helps me sleep in when I want to. I also find it so soothing, especially when I’ve had a long, exhausting week. I even think there’s something sexy about it.

If you’re lucky enough to have a lover, I think you know what I’m getting at. On a cool, rainy morning, you have more excuses than usual to snuggle up to that special someone and get a little frisky. Even if it’s just for warmth, there’s an intimacy to it. I haven’t felt it in quite some time, but I encourage everyone lucky enough to have that special someone to embrace it.

We’re getting to that time of year where the days are shorter, the weather is more chaotic, and we have more reasons than usual to sleep in on the weekends. If it happens to be raining on a particular morning, I encourage everyone to appreciate both its potential for relaxation, as well as its sex appeal.

In case you need more than just encouragement, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to sweeten the deal. Enjoy!

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“You can tell a lot about the maturity of a person by how they pronounce the planet Uranus.”

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“We’ll never truly know, or be comfortable with, how many opportunities were the result of giving blowjobs.”

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“To some extent, aren’t family reunions a celebration of successful orgasms?”

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“A gold digger is just a prostitute who plays the long game.”

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“The next time you think you’re weird, remember there are people out there who willingly use nipple clamps.”

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“A kink is rarely as strange as how someone discovered they liked it.”

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“A man who loves giving oral sex, but does not groom his facial hair, is going to encounter problems.”

It’s finally here, my fellow ghosts, ghouls, and goblins! Halloween has arrived and unlike last year, we actually have a chance to enjoy it. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate that.

If you’re a kid, go ahead and break out your favorite costume and craft your plan for getting as much candy as possible tonight. At some point in your life, you have to learn that there are very limited opportunities to get free candy. Make the most of this as best you can.

If you’re an adult, find a way to celebrate. Whether that means putting on a slutty costume, watching a marathon of horror movies, or getting drunk on pumpkin ale, make an effort to enjoy the festivities. Last year, there weren’t many Halloween celebrations to attend. This year, I say go for it. Even if you’ve never been to a costume party, make this year your first.

Halloween is a great holiday. It’s got costumes, candy, and spooky parties. For one day, we can just dress up, cut loose, and enjoy yourselves in a novel way. I think we all need to take a moment and just share in the experience. There aren’t a whole lot of occasions where we can get away with dressing like a mummy in public. Let’s not squander it.

Once again, to everyone out there, wherever they are and whoever they might be, Happy Halloween! Have fun trick-or-treating. To help get you in the Halloween spirit, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

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“Everyone has a price, but everyone also has a threshold for what they’re willing to do in exchange for oral sex.”

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“There’s a good chance we’re underestimating how many members there are in the Mile High Club.”

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“Premature ejaculation is nature’s way of telling men there’s value to exercising restraint.”

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“Being lucky in love or sex sometimes just means being near someone with low standards.”

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“The truth will set you free, but it’ll also reveal how much your lovers have cheated on you.”

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“Never assume a sex toy is used for just one particular sex act.”

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“The browsing history of a typical teenage boy is probably less disturbing than that of an anti-gay priest.”