Tag Archives: funny

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Poolside Edition

It’s summer time and you know what that means. The days are hot, the beaches are open, and the bikinis are out in force. It’s a beautiful time of year, especially for those like myself who appreciate nudity and various excuses for nudity. It’s not always full-nudity, but we’ll take what we can get. After being cooped up all winter, it’s hard to be that petty.

I’m already enjoying the feeling I get when I walk around the house naked. Even just wearing a pair of boxers feels extra special on some levels. Sure, the heat means more sweat, more humidity, and more body odor. However, if handled correctly, it just makes me feel that much sexier.

This time of year marks the first juicy bite of the savory steak that is summer. Some of us are still getting used to the idea that we don’t need to bring a sweatshirt with us wherever we go, just in case it gets cold. This is the time of year where you can get away with under-dressing. Sure, you have to be mindful of your local indecency laws, but it beats the hell out of wearing layers every day.

I am so ready to embrace summer that I’m sweating sunscreen. I’m sure many others tired of long underwear, heavy coats, and no bikinis are just as eager. For that reason, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the arrival of summer and all the sexiness it brings.


“Necessity may be the mother of invention, but horniness is its first cousin.”

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I don’t deny the influence of need, profit, curiosity, and laziness in the process of invention. I’m sure those factors were behind a great many advances, be they the light bulb or spray cheese in a can. I’m just saying that horniness is one of those understated influences. What else explains the creation of vibrators and bacon flavored lube?


“When you think about it, a bar of soap is the most intimate, non-sexual item that we own.”

There are all sorts of household items that we use in intimate ways. Be they vibrators, bottles of hand lotion, or socks, we have a uniquely close attachment to these products. Not all of it is sexual, though. Sometimes, a product is intimate just because it regularly touches our genitals.

In that sense, a bar of soap is the most intimate product we own. That bar of soap doesn’t just touch our genitals. It touches almost every inch of our naked bodies. It makes our skin feel clean and smooth. I could go on, but I’d rather not think such lurid thoughts when I’m around a bar of soap. I need to save those lurid thoughts for my novels.


“For rock stars and celebrities, groupies are like candy and every day is Halloween.”

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Rock stars having sex with legions of beautiful women is nothing new, but it does offer a uniquely sexy narrative. Most men go their whole lives spending countless time and energy just trying to get one woman to have sex with them. Rock stars have the opposite problem. It’s like picking a flavor of ice cream for them. The only problem is having enough of an appetite.


“If a house has a woman living in it and a shower with a detachable shower head, it’s generally safe to assume that shower head has been used for masturbation at one point.”

I think most people understand that when they enter a man’s house and see a bottle of lotion, they assume that lotion has been used for masturbation or something sexual. Not as many people understand the appeal of a detachable shower head with women.

It’s not just one of a billion crude jokes from an episode of “Two Broke Girls.” Women get horny too. This is a scientific fact that too many people deny. They don’t always use the same tools as men. I’m not saying vibrators and dildos don’t have their place, but I think a shower head is an underrated piece of sexual hardware.


“Going to a strip club and window shopping are disturbingly similar experiences for some people.”

I love strip clubs as much as the next man. Since I’ve been of legal age, I’ve been to more than my share. I’m a healthy young man. I enjoy looking at beautiful women getting naked on stage, dancing to music. I’m not going to apologize for that. It’s a spectacle and we humans love spectacles.

For some people, though, strip clubs and shopping are a bit too intertwined. I’ve seen men at strip clubs look at women the same way they look at a new Ferrari. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying that some men blur the line more than others.


“Variety is the spice of life, but we’re expected to forget that on our wedding day.”

We’re all told that variety and novelty are good things. We should seek new experiences and enjoy the variety of wonders that life has to offer. Most people agree with that. It may very well have helped us thrive as a species. There are even parts of it that are hardwired into our genetics.

For that very reason, it’s somewhat telling that we expect people to turn all that off on their wedding day. When you get married, you’re supposed to stop seeking novelty, settle down, and become a responsible, tax-paying family that will birth the next generation of tax-paying workers. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high?


“There’s no right way to make love, but there are too many wrong ways, some of which leave awkward scars.”

Being an erotica/romance writer, part of the fun is finding all sorts of wonderfully sexy ways to have couples make love. It pushes both your imagination and libido in all the right ways. So long as the love is genuine, lovemaking can take many forms.

Conversely, it can also fail spectacularly in ways that don’t make it into erotica/romance novels. It doesn’t take much to ruin the moment or kill the mood. Whether it’s an ill-timed spank or irresponsible dirty talk, it can really undermine a romance. It can also leave scars, emotionally and physically. It’s debatable which of the two are more embarrassing, though.


That’s it for now. Until next Sunday, get out there and enjoy the summer heat. Hang out by the pool, take in the sight of bikinis, and appreciate nature’s most clothing-optional season. Whether you’re working on a tan or reading a sexy novel, there’s a lot to enjoy. Just stay cool and stay sexy while doing it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: NFL Draft Edition

It’s a very special Sunday for football fans, like me. For non-football fans, it’s a case study in just how unhealthy our love of sports can be. That’s because this special Sunday has no games, no hitting, and no sexy cheerleaders on the sidelines. It’s the NFL Draft. It’s a huge spectacle for football fans, but it’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

The NFL Draft is basically just an event where NFL teams pick from a crop of promising college athletes who they think can graduate from being an unpaid amateur to being a grossly overpaid professional. Some can make this transition, but most don’t. That’s why those that do are a special breed. A few can even help their team become a contender, unless you’re the Cleveland Browns.

Some think it’s inane. Some think it’s a spectacle that doesn’t deserve to be a spectacle. I totally get those criticisms, but since I’m a huge football fan, I don’t give a shit. I love all things about football. While I do take issue with how college players are treated, possibly due to our sexual attitudes, I’ll gladly celebrate this inane sports gimmick.

For others who aren’t that insanely dedicated to sports, don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about you. In between listening to the entire city of Philadelphia boo Roger Goodell, I still have plenty of sexy thoughts that I’d love to share. As much as I love football, it just can’t turn off a sexy mind.

So while your football-loving buddies are pretending they know better than any NFL general manager, enjoy this latest edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” It may not be the same spectacle as the NFL Draft, but it should make you laugh and get you a little horny in the process. That’ll make anyone feel like a first round pick.


“The only difference between a passionate hobby and a fetish is the extent to which it facilitates orgasms.”

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We all have hobbies. I certainly do, as my love of comic books regularly demonstrates. We can be pretty damn passionate about our hobbies. Just go to any comic book convention and look at the costumes people wear. That’s a special kind of dedication.

However, a fetish can push things beyond dedication. When our passions lead to arousal and that arousal leads to orgasms, then it can get a little kinky to say the least. No matter how much you love your hobby, orgasms add an extra bit of incentive. That’s why the leap from a hobby to a fetish isn’t as big as you think.


“Are we depraved because we’re horny or are we horny because we’re depraved? It’s an important question because one requires a padded cell and the other requires a prostitute.”

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This is the sexual equivalent of a chicken-and-egg scenario. There are some pretty crazy people in this world, some of which are in major positions of power. They can develop some pretty depraved tendencies, but I often wonder how depraved they would be if they just got laid more often.

We all do dumb things when we’re horny. In any situation with any given tool, our horniness will screw us up. Now that’s not to say there are people whose depravity goes beyond being horny, but it is an interesting idea to contemplate, just how much that horniness plays a role.


“It says a lot about the times when any kid with an internet connection can view a billion pairs of female breasts, but they still need to be 17 to see breasts in a movie.”

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Let’s face it. The MPAA is completely obsolete. Maybe it had a place 30 years ago when they could put security guards in front of theaters, keeping children from the utter horror that is exposed female breasts. Today, however, it’s a joke. Any kid with an internet connection can see breasts of every shape and size. They shouldn’t have to wait until they’re 17 to see a R-rated movie.


“There’s a fine line between flirtation and harassment. One may get you laid. One may get you fired. The fact we risk it shows just how horny we are at heart.”

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This is another testament to our collective horniness. Now there’s no question that harassment is a major issue. It’s also a crime. Men who harass women and women who harass men can do real harm. The problem is that some people have a hard time understanding the difference between harassment and flirtation.

Not knowing that difference can be huge. It can mean the difference between finding a lover and ending up in a courtroom, explaining why you put pictures of your ass as someone’s screen saver. Despite all this, we still risk it. We really are just that horny.


“A one night stand is like fast food. A relationship is like a steady meal. A passionate romance is like an unlimited supply of chocolate fudge.”

There are many variations of sexual intimacy. Sometimes we just need to scratch that proverbial itch. Sometimes we just want someone to hold when we’re alone and horny. Then, there are those times when we find someone we love with true passion. Those times are like chocolate fudge. It can make any moment of any day a treat.


“If women spent a day as men, they’d have a new appreciation for how horny they are. If men spent a day as women, they wouldn’t learn a damn thing because they’d be too busy playing with their breasts.”

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I’m sorry, ladies, but this is another one of those inescapable double standards that I’ve talked about before. I believe that women would learn a lot about men if they spent a single day as one. They may gain a new appreciation for why we do the crazy things we do.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t go both ways. If men spent a day as a woman, they would learn next to nothing. How could they? With a pair of breasts always in reach, they would be too distracted.


“Until we can send orgasms through our phones, sexting is just a lazy attempt at amateur porn.”

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Now I understand that sexting is a growing phenomena that makes parents recoil in horror. They still can’t wrap their heads around precious baby being sexual in any capacity. However, I think the appeal is overrated. In an era of internet porn and Carl’s Junior ads, it doesn’t exactly have much impact. Now if there was a way to send someone an orgasm over the phone, then that would have an impact, among other things.


“Peacocks and strippers have a lot in common when you think about it.”

I say this not just because I once met a stripper named Peacock. Strippers get up on a stage and put on elaborate shows to entice potential mates/clients/credit card numbers. Peacocks to the same with their elaborate feather displays. It’s all a spectacle that’s done with boning in mind, either directly or indirectly. Some may call it shallow. I think it’s a beautiful demonstration of just how sexy the animal kingdom can be.


That’s it for now. It’s been an eventful weekend for the NFL, but for an aspiring erotica/romance writer, my sexy mind is always on the clock. Between thoughts like this and novels like “Passion Relapse,” I hope to keep supplying everyone with first round sexiness.

Plus, my mind isn’t governed by Roger Goodell. That has to count for something, right?

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Stoner’s Edition

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I don’t consider myself a stoner, but I know a few people who are and they are some of the nicest, most relaxed people I know. Compared to some of the drunks I’ve known, I’d much rather spend an afternoon with them. That tends to say more about the people than the drug itself.

I know that this past week was a big deal for the stoner crowd. This past week was 4/20, the closest thing stoners have to a holiday. It’s only fair. Alcohol has St. Patrick’s Day and Mardi Gras. Why can’t marijuana have a holiday to call their own?

Now I know there are a lot of controversial opinions about weed. I know it’s still an illegal substance in most states and countries. Sure, that’s changing for a few and that change is way overdue, but it has a long way to go. As a lover of freedom and the right to indulge one’s preferred vices in a responsible manner, I hope stoners reach their goals.

Until then, I can only offer my support and my weekly entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Between releasing my first published novel and an unofficial holiday for an entire subculture, it’s been a busy week. I can think of no better way to cap it off than with some crude, sexy humor. Enjoy!


“Someone who’s developing a spanking fetish must get very confused when they’re being punished.”

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I sometimes wonder about those who develop certain fetishes. It’s one of those things that just can’t happen overnight. It’s got to be a process to some extent. So those in the midst of that process who have a spanking fetish must get very conflicted when a parent, nun, or prostitute tries to punish them. It may or may not have the desired effect.

That doesn’t mean the process has to be difficult though. If a punishment ends up making you horny and those doing the punishing don’t realize that, then you win in the end.


“Objectively, men with big dicks and women with big tits struggle the most under public nudity laws.”

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I get that public nudity laws exist for a reason. Even though I enjoy nudity more than most, I still feel like certain people struggle with it. If you have a really big dick or a pair of awesome tits, I imagine public nudity laws are very stressful. You have an innate desire to show of your endowments, but the law says you can’t. It’s a constant struggle. In that sense, the well-endowed men and women of this world deserve our sympathy.


“Being sexy will only get you noticed. Having sex appeal will actually motivate someone to get you in their bed.”

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Make no mistake. There is a difference between sexy and sex appeal. It’s usually subtle. It usually determines whether a stripper gets an extra tip or whether a man gets that cute cocktail waitress’ phone number.

In essence, being sexy is just like being a flashy sign along a busy highway. Having sex appeal is like having a map that shows all the shortcuts to help you get from that initial encounter to someone else’s bed. It’s a powerful tool so you know the difference.


“Guns take lives. Genitals help create life. For some reason, though, it’s controversial to teach kids how to use them both safely.”

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This is an odd paradox of sorts. There are all sorts of programs for gun safety aimed at kids. The NRA even uses cartoon characters to teach it. Parents who own guns are more than happy to teach their kids all about safe and responsible use. It’s rarely controversial.

For genitals, though, parents recoil in horror. Never mind the fact that the proper use of genitals is the very reason children exist in the first place. The fact that abstinence only education is so prevalent shows an odd disconnect from those who want to teach children safe and responsible behavior.


“The fact that a women can make any part of their body sexier, but a man can never make his balls sexier says a lot more about female sexuality than most are willing to admit.”

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It’s amazing how women can take any body part, from head to toe, and find a way to make it sexier. Whether it involves painting toe nails or piercing labias, women get astonishingly creative when it comes to making parts of their body more attractive.

It says something about men that there are only a handful of body parts they can make sexier. Most of those require more work than painting toe nails. On top of that, men have certain body parts, like their balls, can never be attractive. Either our imaginations are just that limited or women are just that beautiful.


“Are bisexuals more sexually flexible or are they just plain greedy?”

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I’ve often wondered about this. From a pure numbers standpoint, bisexuals have a huge advantage. They can get frisky with 100 percent of the planet while those of a heterosexual persuasion are stuck with only half at most. That’s a hell of a disparity.

Does that mean that bisexuals are just that flexible? Is it possible that they’re just greedier and they’re playing a numbers game? We can’t know for sure, but I often find myself envying bisexuals. They know that when it comes to getting laid, the math is on their side.


“The fact that sex toys exist proves that our brains can be horny and rational to some extent.”

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Many say that we cannot be rational when we’re horny. I’ve even echoed that claim here on this blog. However, that’s not to say that it’s impossible to some degree. The creation of sex toys still requires a certain amount of rationality and logic.

Sure, we’re still prone to making stupid decisions when we’re really horny, but we can also be pretty damn motivated as well. Sometimes motivation can lead to beautiful creations. Excuse me. I just teared up a little.


“Lust is the meat on the bone. Romance is the sauce we use to cook it. Divorce is the food poisoning we get when neither is done right.”

Love and lust are a potent combination. That’s something I try to demonstrate in my books, especially “Passion Relapse.” It can create a perfect storm of passion and ecstasy the likes of which make life worth living. It truly is a beautiful thing.

Divorce, on the other hand, makes life about as pleasant as explosive diarrhea. It is the ultimate gut punch, both to our hearts and to our wallets. Like the difference between chocolate and food poisoning, it can take something beautiful and turn it into an agony that only a robust toilet is equipped to handle.


To stoners and non-stoners alike, I thank you for this momentous week. If you haven’t already, please take the time to check out “Passion Relapse.” Regardless of how high you are, it should put you in just the right mood to cap off your week.

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Ten Ridiculously Real Excuses That People Made (In A Court Of Law)

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Whenever I talk about serious issues or concepts on this blog, I do so knowing that at some point, I have to take a break. I need to find a way to make people laugh or get them horny or both, if possible. I’m not sure how many people get horny from discussions about sex robots, but people have all sorts of kinks.

When it comes to talking about reasons and excuses, it’s hard to make anyone horny from that. I knew that as soon as I decided that I would flesh out this issue. Now I have done my best to apply the concept to sexy situations, including those in my novels. I still doubt anyone needed a change in panties after that.

So I guess I’ll settle for the next best thing, which is making people laugh. When it comes to reasons and excuses, there’s actually a treasure trove on top of a mountain of chocolate. When it comes to humor, you won’t find any shortage that comes from people making stupid excuses for the crazy stuff they do.

Now we all do stupid things and make stupid excuses. That’s just part of life. In fact, many of us first discover our creative side when we have to make excuses as to why our parents should buy us that giant bag of Skittles. Those with a creative side probably got to eat a lot of candy as a kid.

It’s one thing for kids to make excuses over candy, though. It’s quite another when actual, functioning adults make them and in a court of law no less. If ever there was a place not to make excuses, which didn’t involve a rectal examination or a tax audit, a court room is at the top of the list.

Unfortunately, that still doesn’t stop some people. For some, the stupidity impulse is just too strong. In some cases, it’s pathetic. In others, it’s hilarious. Sure, it may undermine your faith in humanity, but that doesn’t make it any less funny.

While court rooms are supposed to be serious domains where the cold, but just hand of law can peacefully resolve disputes, it can still be a source of comedy. The number of stupid things people have said and done in a courtroom is simply too voluminous for an erotica/romance writer to sift through.

Thankfully, the folks at DailyTop10s have done some sifting for me. In the following video are 10 of the most ridiculous excuses ever given in a court of law. How ridiculous does it get, you ask? One of the excuses involves Bigfoot. I wish I were joking.

 

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Cherry Blossoms Edition

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Spring is one of those seasons you either love or want to love. I say want to love because sometimes there are barriers. If you’ve got allergies that kick your ass every chance they get, then the sight of beautiful flowers and cherry blossoms are more likely to fill you with dread instead of awe.

It’s kind of tragic when you think about it. Cherry blossoms and flowers are so beautiful. You want to admire them. It’s like getting a headache every time you see a pair of breasts. You want to see them, but at the same time, you dread it because you know how it’s going to affect you. Some sights are just worth the pain though.

So when it comes to spring, I’m always somewhat torn. I love the warmer weather. It’s easier to sleep naked and the ladies wear less when they go out for a walk. However, having been beaten and abused by allergies my whole life, I can’t help but feel a twinge of dread when I see the trees in my neighborhood bloom.

This year has been no exception. I’m at the part of spring where I’m convinced that my sinuses hate me and want to make me miserable until summer. I’ll endure though. That’ll make the sight of beaches and bikinis that much more satisfying.

Until then, though, I’ll need a potent mix of allergy medications and sexy thoughts to tide me over. Since it is Sunday and I’m still committed to my weekly Sexy Sunday Thoughts column, I’d say I’m ready for some extra medicine. I don’t care how it enters my body. It just has to be potent. That’s every bit as dirty as you think it is.


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“If all drugs had to be taken rectally, would that increase or decrease homophobia?”

It’s not much of a secret. When anti-gay crusaders go on their gay-bashing rants, they tend to focus heavily on anal sex. These same people probably pleasure themselves to the idea of two women going at it, but anal sex just makes them feel all sorts of strange and uncomfortable feelings.

Ignoring for the moment how asinine, if that’s not too loaded a word, their obsession over anal sex tends to be, I wonder if these people have ever had to take a drug rectally. If they did, would that change their sentiment? Would they still find another reason to whine about gays? It might not be an overly sexy thought, but it is pretty funny when you contemplate it.


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“No matter what the dictionary says, the word exacerbate sounds like a form of desperate masturbation.”

I remember the first day my English teacher used this word. I was in the seventh grade. The limited maturity and excessive hormones of me and my fellow classmates ensured an awkward reaction. I know what the dictionary says. I’ve even used this word in my novels. No matter how inane its meaning might be, the inner seventh grader in me will always conjure dirty thoughts.


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“Everything considered a vice makes us horny. Does that mean the police are indirectly regulating our horniess when they enforce drug laws?”

It’s another poorly-kept secret about drugs, drug enforcement, and vice laws. If you look closely at any of them, they’re all directly or indirectly affect our sex lives. If a drug makes us horny, then chances are the DEA will raid any place that makes it and the President will declare it as poisonous as arsenic.

We get it. Government and religious types don’t like the people getting too horny. It distracts us from more important things like paying taxes or building monuments to our overlords. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a place in civilization, but at least be honest about it.


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“Pubic hair is either sexy or disgusting with very little in between. That means those who permanently remove their pubic hair are really hedging their bets.”

Pubic hair is like a never-ending fashion fad. Sometimes having a nice, unkempt bush is the sexiest thing a man or woman can do to their lower anatomy. Sometimes the mere sight of pubic hair inspires uncontrollable gagging. Like Pokémon, it’s a craze that comes and goes.

That’s why I think those who permanently remove their hair with something like electrolysis are really hedging their bets. While pubic hair might not be that sexy today, thanks largely to the efforts of the Brazilians, that could easily change in the coming years. When it comes to sexiness, don’t hedge your bets is what I’m saying.


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“Everything that’s even slightly shaped like a penis will be the subject of a dirty joke. No exceptions.”

This is a basic rule of the internet, people, and life in general. We all have an inner 13-year-old just waiting to laugh at the first thing that reminds us of penises. It doesn’t matter if we’re old, bald, and shitting in bags. A part of us will always find humor in something that’s shaped like a penis. It’s one of those few rules that have no exceptions.


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“If something can be used as lubricant, then it has been used in a sex act. No exceptions.”

Dick jokes aren’t the only rules that have no exceptions. Human beings are wonderfully inventive. Spray cheese in a can is already a testament to that ingenuity. However, it doesn’t take the chemical expertise of Walter White to understand how any potential lubricant can be used.

Whether we’re cavemen using fish entrails or rocket scientists using advanced molecular substrates, at some point those liquids will be used for something sexual. It might involve masturbation. It might involve sensual massages. In any case, it’s going to be used for a sex act at some point. Again, there are no exceptions to this rule.


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“One man’s pain is another man’s foreplay. One woman’s foreplay is another man’s kink. One couple’s kink is a young child’s trauma.”

Human beings are strange and complicated creatures. The fact we’re actively working on sex robots is proof enough of that. Our concepts of foreplay and kink vary wildly from person to person. One person may find it disgusting, but another will be so turned on that they can’t get naked fast enough.

This kind of variety is a beautiful thing in my opinion. I’m all for people exploring and celebrating their kinks. Just make sure your kids don’t catch you. Some conversations are just too awkward at any age.


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“When you think about it, a masturbation competition has no real losers.”

This is just simple logic. If you’re in a masturbation contest and you achieve orgasm at any point, then it doesn’t matter whether you’ve won or lost. You still had an orgasm. No matter what the situation, orgasms make you feel like a winner. Again, that’s just logic.


I hope that did the trick. Does everyone else feel their sinuses clearing up? If so, you’re welcome. If not, you’re still welcome because you now have sexy thoughts streaming through your head. Laughter may be the best medicine, but I’d say sexy thoughts are a close second.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Power Edition

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It’s the end of another week and we survived without being crushed by a giant monster. By most standards, that makes it a good week. Some people set a higher bar than that. For me, not being sick and not being crushed by a monster are the only criteria I need to feel like I’ve succeeded on Sunday.

Why do I bring up monsters and being crushed? Well, this weekend saw the release of the new “Power Rangers” movie. For any kids who grew up in the ’90s, that is the equivalent of another Pamela Anderson sex tape. It’s got fans whose parents spent an obscene amount of money on toys more excited than a hamster on crack.

Given the crowded field of superhero movies, it’s hard to say whether this will succeed. Then again, nobody thought a Deadpool movie or an Ant Man movie would succeed. The accountants who cash the checks at major studios are probably still laughing their ass off. Since the old Power Rangers show was on right after the X-men cartoon I was so fond of growing up, I really do hope it does well.

I can appreciate a story about five hormonal teenagers dealing with crazy issues that involve aliens, monsters, and an evil Elizabeth Banks in a skin-tight costume. Some things just have universal appeal in that respect. I also feel as though comedy and dirty jokes have that kind of appeal.

I’ll leave the aliens and monster fighting to the Power Rangers. I hope they give me the same courtesy for comedy and dirty jokes. With that in mind, here’s my official “Power” edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” Enjoy!


“Actors like Bryan Cranston and Hugh Jackman were willing to get naked for their iconic roles. Coincidence?”

In a recent interview on the “The Late Show,” Bryan Cranston joked that he had a nudity clause in every contract. Hugh Jackman has gotten naked in multiple X-men movies on multiple occasions, never once using a body double or CGI.

Both these men were willing to show off their manly goods for all to see in pursuing their iconic roles. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I think that says a lot about nudity and dedication.


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“A man’s desperate effort to get laid has a equal chance at ending in triumph or humiliation, which says as much about the woman as it does about the man.”

This is more an observation than a thought. Go back and watch any teen sitcom, teen movie, or romantic comedy. More often than not, a desperate man does something crazy in an effort to win over a girl and/or get laid. Whether or not it works is usually decided by the karma equivalent of a coin flip.

While this is entertaining, it also says something about the women involved. For one, it says they attract some pretty crazy men. It also says they respond to them in some pretty crazy ways. In terms of entertainment value, you can’t get much more potent than that.


“Some women don’t have to try very hard to get sex. Those same women, however, often have to try harder to enjoy it. From a gender equality standpoint, that’s perfect balance.”

This is another observation. I’ve known plenty of women who could walk into any bar, club, PTA meeting and get sex with minimal effort. A flirty look, an overt tease, and a detailed map of the nearest motels is all it takes.

However, getting sex and enjoying sex isn’t the same thing. To really enjoy it, the woman has to put some effort into it. For a man, it’s no harder than maintaining an erection. As flawed as nature may be at times, it knows how to balance things out.


“A woman who willingly flashes her breasts has no right to be appalled when a man exposes his dick.”

This is another instance of our innate disdain of hypocrisy. We, as a society, will tolerate a lot of crazy things, from boy bands to reality TV. We still draw the line at hypocrisy. It doesn’t have to be the kind of hypocrisy that causes a major scandal with a well-known priest. It can be simple.

For women who eagerly flash their breasts, many of which grace the streets of New Orleans and Las Vegas, they dramatically increase the chances that they’ll see a stranger’s penis at some point. So if you’re going to flash your tits, make sure you enjoy the sight of penises. Otherwise, you just risk greater hypocrisy.


“When you think about it, the difference between an orgy and a group hug is only a matter of degree.”

As I’ve said before, I’m a hugger. I know the inherent value of hugs. When done right, they bring affection, intimacy, and a sense of well-being to two people. In that sense, an orgy does the same thing, but to a much greater degree. I’m not saying the two gestures are one in the same. I’m just saying they live in the same zip code.


“A doctor who installs breast implants can actually say he has the hopes of men and women alike in his hands.”

A woman seeking breast implants has greater hopes for her body. Any man fond of big breasts hopes that there are more of them in this world. In that context, the doctors who actually install breast implants actually hold these hopes in their hands. They even take it a step further. They actually turn those hopes into something tangible, beautiful, and sexy.

Plastic surgeons are heroes is what I’m saying. To those brave men and women, I thank you.


“At its core, strip poker is the act of making foreplay subject to chance.”

I love a good game of poker as much as the next guy. I also love foreplay as well and support any effort to cherish its value. However, like peanut butter and napalm, some things just aren’t compatible. They do nothing to damage the other, but they do make both a bit harder to operate.

When you’re playing strip poker, you’re basically putting an extra obstacle between your lover and nudity. There are enough obstacles to good foreplay these days. I’d rather we not add more.


“We tend to get bored with things we do too much, but masturbation is a major exception.”

As a kid, it’s easy to get bored with something. As an adult, it’s even easier, especially if you have a high-speed internet connection. Boredom is a common human trait that keeps us from doing things that no longer stimulate us.

When it comes to masturbation, however, that core human trait basically gives us a mulligan. No matter how many times we do it, regardless of our gender, we don’t get bored with it. That shows that nature is willing to make exceptions when warranted.


I hope that helps everyone feel a bit more powerful. It’s probably not on par with piloting a giant robot or fighting an evil Elizabeth Banks in a skin-tight uniform, but I hope it’s a close second.

Some get their power through the morphing grid, a special energy that permeates all life throughout the universe. Some get it through dirty jokes. Since mine doesn’t require guidance from a giant floating head, I think mine works a bit better.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

Top of the morning to ye, my lovely lasses and laddies! I hope everyone here had a safe, fun, hangover-free St. Patrick’s Day this past week. Whether you stayed sober or got more drunk than Homer Simpson at happy hour, I hope you all had a fun, sexy time.

I know St. Patrick’s Day isn’t exactly Christmas in March. I know it doesn’t involve elaborate gifts, fancy deserts, or family gatherings that coincide with football games. However, it does involve a damn good excuse for heavy drinking, bad dancing, and public nudity. We all live such stressful lives these days. I say we need something like that every now and then.

I won’t go into detail about how I spent my St. Patrick’s Day. Just assume it involved more than a few beers and resulted in some form of nudity. For me, that constitutes a successful holiday in any capacity. Considering how sick I was a week ago, it’s a damn good feeling and one that has inspired some sexy musings.

As such, I’m proud to present my official St. Patrick’s Day edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” I can’t guarantee that all of these musings were surmised with a sober mind. I also can’t guarantee they won’t disturb those still recovering from a hangover. I’ll just say that they’re a product of a mind that’s just glad to not be sick anymore and eager to celebrate any holiday that inspires public nudity. Enjoy!


“Women underestimate how much breasts make men act stupid and overestimate how much they’ll regret that stupidity in the morning.”

I’ve seen men do many stupid things when in the presence of exposed breasts. I, myself, have done my share of foolish things in the presence of breasts. I don’t think that women understand just how much power their breasts have over us.

It often leads to cases where women complain about male stupidity when in the presence of beautiful women. I get why some women feel that way. Even some men feel that way. However, they don’t seem to understand how futile it is to make men feel sorry for appreciating the power of breasts. You can shame men for a lot of reasons. Being stupid around breasts isn’t one of them.


“It’s inherently hypocritical for men to insult a woman for being a bitch, but still wanting her to fuck like one.”

I’m a man. I have a lot of male friends. As such, it’s not uncommon for some of those friends to complain about a woman being too bitchy, whether it’s a co-worker, a girlfriend, a sibling, or a spouse. In some cases, the insult is justified. In most, however, it’s somewhat misguided.

That’s because I’ve also noticed how men expect so much from their women. They want a loyal, gentle, nurturing lady they can parade in front of their grandparents, but they also want a kinky nymphomaniac who will fuck like Jenna Jameson on crack. That’s expecting too much, in my opinion, and insults mixed with hypocrisy is never sexy.


“A man who shaves his balls assumes way too much about the role they play in his sex appeal.”

I don’t know who started this trend. Whoever it is, I wish to personally punch them in the jaw. The male nutsack has a purpose and shaving it does nothing to enhance or facilitate that purpose. I get the logic behind grooming pubic hair and being mindful of one’s genitalia. I just don’t think the presence or absence of hair on a man’s balls has much influence on how sexy he is.


“We live in an era where a text message can count as foreplay and a compliment on a woman’s breasts can count as harassment.”

Honestly, I’m scared to compliment a woman on her appearance these days. Anything and everything said about her body can be construed as harassment of some kind. It’s frustrating because women say they want us to respect their bodies, but get offended when we compliment it. It’s enough to frustrate any man’s brain and genitals.

Then, there’s the idea of sexting. Apparently, this is how a new generation of horny men and women are getting around that issue. For them, a simple text message is the equivalent of tongue-kissing and copping a feel. I’m all for the power of the written word, but some kinds of power need not be that skewed.


“The fact that so many young people learn about sex through internet porn makes me worry that they overestimate the impact of spanking.”

Now I love internet porn as much as the next guy. I’m grateful for the service and convenience it provides. However, I worry that our collective unwillingness to talk to young people about sex is essentially deferring the issue to porn stars, porn studios, and Howard Stern.

That would be like ditching driver’s education and letting teenagers learn about driving by watching “The Fast and The Furious” in conjunction with having multiple orgasms. That’s going to leave a flawed impression. Given the amount of lubricant, tattoos, anal bleaching, and spanking involved in the average porn, I worry that an entire generation of youth will have a flawed understanding of what constitutes intimate, sensual experiences.


“Sex appeal is like the meat on the bone of a juicy stake. Romance is a willingness to slow-cook that steak and marinate it in special sauce.”

As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, it’s important to understand the difference between raw sex appeal and romance. Sex appeal is pretty basic. A woman with big breasts and a man with a big dick has inherent sex appeal. Those traits trigger the kind of basic, primal responses that made our cavemen ancestors horny.

Romance, on the other hand, goes beyond the mere primal. Romance requires a certain amount of thought, patience, and planning. Whether you’re a man or a woman, romance is the icing while the sex appeal is merely the sugar. Our willingness to be patient, thoughtful, and intimate goes a long way towards crafting that perfect dish, be it a dinner or desert.


“When you think about it, romantic gestures that cost money are down payments towards future orgasms.”

Economics and finance are rarely that sexy. That doesn’t mean they can’t influence our love lives. When you get down to the basics, romantic gestures are like emotional investments. Instead of interest, the payoff is love, intimacy, and hot sex. Even by Warren Buffet standards, that’s a pretty good return on investment.


That’s all for now. Hope this helps others recover from their St. Patrick’s Day festivities and/or reconcile with their liver. Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine. So long as it isn’t coupled with blackouts and dry-heaves, I like to think I’ve helped.

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