Tag Archives: funny

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Pumpkin Spice Edition

I have a confession to make. I worry that it may make some think less of me and for a man who often talks about sex robots and sleeping naked, that’s saying something. However, for the sake of entertaining my readers and being wholly transparent, I’ll make it anyways.

I love pumpkin spice lattes.

There, I said it. The secret is out. I, Jack Fisher, love pumpkin spice and all the seasonal delights that comes with it. Call it a quirk. Call it shameless adherence to marketing trends. I don’t care. I know it has become cool in recent years to make fun of them, but that doesn’t make them any less delicious.

It’s the middle of October. There are a lot of pumpkin-themed gimmicks going around. Sure, some of it is bland marketing, but why is that a bad thing? If it looks festive, smells good, and tastes good, why not enjoy it? I certainly do. As I write this, I have a pumpkin spice latte right in front of me and I will not apologize for it.

Whether you love them or hate them, pumpkin spice is here to help us usher in the fall. It’ll likely remain until we’re too bloated from Thanksgiving dinner to care. Until that time, though, I’ll be enjoying them as much as I can. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to all things pumpkin spice. I hope it’s equally delicious.


“The sexually repressed who love to slut shame others are the radical vegans of sex.”


“A man who goes shopping with his wife to buy something other than sexy lingerie isn’t whipped. He’s in love.”


“If women graded men’s performance during sex, then a lot more would be inclined to study in anticipation of exams and pop quizzes.”


“Celibacy isn’t the same as anorexia in that it won’t kill you, but you’ll be less inclined to care that you’re dying.”


“Sex within a successful marriage is like re-watching your favorite movie. Sex within an unsuccessful marriage is like only eating leftovers.”


“The extent of someone’s horniness is directly proportional to their willingness to use their tongue.”


“When you think about it, doing something with your lover that kills the mood is the same as doing something with your computer that causes the screen to freeze.”


While I don’t doubt I’ll keep getting crap for my love of all things pumpkin spice, I still intend to enjoy it as much as I can. Like Christmas turkey, 4th of July barbecue, or bikinis in summer, it’s a seasonal treat worth appreciating. Like finding a wad of cash in your jacket or getting an extra lap dance, who doesn’t enjoy a rare treat?

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Cosplayer Edition

Greetings and excelsior, as Stan “The Man” Lee would say. That feels like the best possible way I can cap off a week that involved a trip to New York Comic Con 2017. If it sounds like I’m still bathing in afterglow, like a Disney princess on her honeymoon, I’m not apologizing. That’s how it feels to visit New York Comic Con.

The sights, the sounds, and the experience are special to the hearts of every comic book fan, pop culture vulture, and people who just need an excuse to dress up in sexy costumes. It’s like a party where you know other people share your interests and you don’t have to be shy talking about them. I won’t say it’s the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had, but it’s definitely in the top 10.

Naturally, I saw some amazing sights, many of them sexy to no end. I will cherish these sights and memories for years to come, or at least until I go back next year. In the meantime, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the wonders I experienced at the New York Comic Con.

Also, if you’re one of the sexy cosplayers who helped make the whole show a spectacle, I’d like to especially thank you. You make the world a better, sexier place.


“A honeymoon is basically a state/church-sanctioned vacation where you’re allowed to have sex without getting shamed for it.”


“Morning wood would be much more useful for women if semen had the same nutritional value as a latte.”


“The fact that women take pride in being able to give birth while men take pride in being able to pee while standing up is proof that there will always be gender inequality.”


“Seeing is believing works well with basic logic, but has a mixed track record when it comes to fake tits.”


“People who name their own genitals may be insecure, but those who let others name their genitals have to have a lot of confidence.”


“The idea of faking it until you make it may work with success, but not for orgasms.”


“Other than children, the greatest gift a wife can give her husband is permission to watch porn without stigma.”


Once again, I thank New York Comic Con and all the amazing cosplayers who make it awesome. Whether you’re elaborate, sexy, or creative with your costume, you show your passion in ways that any comic book fan or aspiring erotica/romance writer can appreciate. I look forward to sharing that passion at many future comic cons.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Sunburn Recovery Edition

When I wrote my regular entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts last week, I did so while watching the sun rise over the beach. As soon as I was finished, I put on my swim trunks, lathered up with enough sunscreen for a trip to Venus, and spent the rest of the day at the beach. It was as fun and sexy as it sounds.

That was last week, though. This week is a bit different. By that, I mean I’m not looking at the sun rising over the beach in a pristine display of nature’s beauty. I’m back home, hunched over a desk, and stuck looking at overly sexy bikini ads as the closest I’ll get to seeing real bikinis until next summer.

On top of that, I’m dealing with a nasty sunburn. Yes, I know I just said I lathered up with enough sunscreen to make me smell like a coconut factory. No, it didn’t work completely. Sure, I managed to avoid getting the more sensitive parts of my body burned. I’ll let you use your sexy imagination to see what I mean. Some parts, however, did not escape the sun’s wrath.

For the past few days, I’ve been treating those burns with whatever remedy I can find at a drug store. It can only do so much, though. In my experience, a little sexy musings help aid in the process. So with that in mind, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those recovering from sun burn. Hang in there, folks. The sun can burn your skin, but it cannot snuff your sexiness.


“As the prevalence of self-driving cars increases, so too will the number of children conceived in them.”


“It’s easy to confuse true love and great sex, but even easier to not give a damn on most days.”


“The sound women make when they orgasm is akin music whereas the sound men make is akin to getting a tooth pulled.”


“The association between cigarettes and sex is hypocritical when you consider that nobody finds coughing that very sexy.”


“When you think about it, there aren’t a whole lot of steps between being a hugger and being a slut.”


“Having too many horny men in a particular area is likely to result in crimes, but having too many women is likely to result in a party.”


“The popularity of sex toys has given men too many reasons to be suspicious of anything a woman owns that vibrates.”


I hope those sexy thoughts aid in the healing process for whatever sunburns anyone incurred by laying out by the pool, lounging on the beach, or just generally doing something outside that allowed them to omit some clothing. I know it burns. I know it doesn’t look that sexy. That said, I’d still say it was worth it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Vacation Edition

What’s the best way to make a vacation sexier? That’s a trick question. Just being on vacation, especially one that allows you to spend less time paying bills and more time naked, is inherently sexy. When clothing, work, and so much else is optional, you’re bound to feel more energy, especially the sexy kind.

I know this because, as I type these sexy words, I’m looking out at a beautiful beach. That’s right. I’m on vacation. I’m literally sitting on a balcony from a hotel, watching the sun rise over the ocean. It’s as relaxing as it sounds and then some.

For the next several days, my sole concern involves lounging on the beach, hanging out at beach bars, and admiring beautiful women in bikinis. I have every intention of enjoying it to the utmost. It might very well be my last vacation of the summer before changes in weather makes extended periods of nudity more difficult.

Vacation or not, my mind never stops thinking sexy things. If anything, being at a beach in the hottest days of summer only makes those thoughts sexier. As such, I’ll try to incorporate every last bit of that sexiness into this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” Enjoy!


“If variety truly is the spice of life, then a man’s porn collection is the perfect embodiment of that concept.”


“When you think about it, a female version of James Bond is a stereotypical porn star.”


“Getting sex advice from your parents is like getting vegan recipes from a cannibal.”


“There are very few ways to ruin a blowjob, but a great many ways to screw up the process of requesting one.”


“It’s usually a bad sign when your lover says they want great sex, but isn’t too eager to practice.”


“If the key to a man’s heart was really through his stomach, then wouldn’t the sexiest women in the world all be professional chefs?”


“The average orgasm for a man lasts 7 seconds. The average orgasm for a woman lasts 20. THAT’S why there will never be true gender equality.”


“When you think about it, a fetish is just a type of sex with a really passionate fanbase.”


Even if you’re stuck working, I hope these lurid musings help tide you over until your next vacation, whenever it may be. I know it’s not the same as a tropical getaway, but sometimes you got to take what you can get. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a beautiful beach to enjoy and some beautiful women in bikinis to admire.

1 Comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Melting Ice Cream Edition

There are many ways to deal with the heat during the hottest days of summer. Unlike the dead of winter, there’s only so much clothing you can physically and legally take off. While I still prefer the kind of weather that accommodates bikinis more than heavy coats, I don’t deny that staying cool can be a challenge.

Even for those who are lucky enough to have an air conditioner that doesn’t crap out at least twice a year will often find themselves in a situation where they’ll have to beat the heat. Between wearing less clothing and shoving ice down your pants, there are plenty of methods and I’m sure everyone has their own trick.

One method, in particular, is quite effective in the best possible way. It doesn’t require ice in your pants or any major threats to your sperm count. It just involves eating ice cream. For once, I don’t think I need to make an elaborate argument utilizing caveman logic or excuse banking. I think anyone who has had any amount of experience with ice cream understands why it’s the most delicious way to stay cool during a heat wave.

As such, I’ll skip the part where I go on a long, elaborate rant about why ice cream is right up there with boobs, comic books, and orgasms. Instead, I’ll just give everyone a second to get whatever flavor of ice cream they have in their freezer so they can stay cool while reading this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts.


“If a man goes down on his lover regularly, they can never claim that he doesn’t put in the effort.”


“Having a big dick won’t always get a man laid, but it will start the conversation.”


“The closer a tattoo is to one’s genitalia, the more willing that person is to do something crazy/kinky with said genitalia.”


“Men learn about female anatomy from rap music, sex from porn, and romance from bad movies, yet women still wonder why they’re so immature.” 


“The fact that women love confidence, but hate douche-bags sends all sorts of mixed messages.”


“There’s a distressingly high probably that a future war will begin because someone’s efforts to get laid go horribly wrong.”


“At some point in a relationship, buying a gift for a lover is akin to a tax increase on sex.”


I hope this help cool everyone off and/or makes them horny for ice cream. Either is fine and just as enjoyable. These are usually the hottest days of the summer. I’m not saying the desire for ice cream is directly linked to the horniness. I’m just saying it’s an underrated combination.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Tropical Edition

Image result

If you’re reading this on a tablet computer while sitting on a beach or by a pool, then congratulations. You’re winning summer. Yes, it is possible to win at summer. It’s not that hard either, although some people still find a way to lose. A lot of those people tend to lose every other season as well so it’s not that much of a stretch.

I get it, though. Sometimes on a hot summer day, it’s tempting to just want to stay inside where the need for sunscreen is low and the air conditioner keeps you from sweating. I’ve given into that temptation plenty of times, especially in my youth when I didn’t care much for staying in shape. I’ve since learned the value of going out into the heat, sweating a little, and soaking in the summer.

I’ve often told friends and family that if I ever make enough money with my novels, then I’ll retire to a tropical climate where I have a chance to see beautiful women in bikinis all year round. However, until I reach that goal, I’ll have to settle for summer. It’s not the same as a tropical paradise, but I’ll gladly take it.

For this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I’d like to dedicate this small contribution of sex appeal to all those tropical beaches where the champions of summer dwell. I hope to join those ranks one day. Until then, here are some lurid thoughts that should keep the heat flowing, no matter the season.


“Misshapen breasts on a woman aren’t nearly as detrimental as a misshapen penis on a man. How is that fair?”


“Waiting until your wedding night to have sex is like waiting until you’re in the NBA to shoot your first free throw.”


“The presence of a genital piercing may or may not be correlated with significant boredom in their past sex life.”


“Technically speaking, the ultimate form of thrill sex is doing it in a police station that’s on fire.”


“Sex and desert are the only two occasions in which it’s socially acceptable to drool.”


“Your average stress levels are directly related to how concerned you are about someone seeing your browser history.”


“Sex is one of the few activities where being overly prepared can end up being counterproductive.”


Once again, if you can spend any part of the next few weeks on a beach, sipping margaritas, and wearing as little clothing as legally possible, do it. That’s one of the great joys of summer. Between heat, cool drinks, and legally permissible half-nudity, what more could you want?

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Summer Solstice Edition

Personally, I love this time of year. The days are long, the nights are cool, and the pants are optional, if not outright discouraged. Summer is a great time for all things sexy and I’m not just talking about its greater potential for nudity. I’ve often found that I do better work when I’m sweating rather than shivering. As a man, I think that’s healthier and not just for my balls.

While summer might never be as special to me as it is to all the school children who love not having to spent half their day at a glorified test-preparation prison, it’s still a great time of year. I find myself more relaxed, more upbeat, and more able to craft sexy stories. Again, I’m not sure if that’s because of the greater opportunities for nudity, but I’m not ruling it out.

These are still the early days of summer. We haven’t yet gotten sick of sweating our asses off every time we walk outside for more than two minutes. That will happen eventually. For some, it happens faster than others. I imagine those people are skiers. For me, though, I’m ready and eager to sweat this summer.

With that image and smell in mind, I dedicate this week’s entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the long, hot days that school children and nudists alike love. Those are two categories of people that usually don’t agree on much, nor can they for legal reasons. In this case, though, an exception is totally warranted.


“Nothing becomes a fetish until it becomes the an effective way to get an orgasm.”

I don’t claim to know everything about every fetish. I also don’t claim that I’ve no kinky proclivities of my own. Anyone who has read my novels probably suspects I have some unique, but fairly standard tastes. I have a feeling those tastes will evolve as I write more novels and get more of them published.

That said, I don’t doubt the power of some peoples’ fetishes. I also don’t doubt there’s a point where it becomes more than just a kinky interest. As soon as that interest manifests in orgasmic ways, we can be fairly certain that a fetish has been born. It can be beautiful, disturbing, and messy all at the same time.


“Those who are the most sexually uptight probably have the most disturbing masturbation habits.”

There’s no getting around it. Sexual repression has some pretty damaging effects on people. You can only repress your biological urges so much before they start screwing with your brain. For those who are really dedicated to their repression, I shudder to think about how they deal with it in their private moments. It probably makes for some disturbing and messy moments that are best left private.


“Whenever you shake someone’s hand, there’s a 50/50 chance that you’re touching the same hand they masturbate with.” 

This is something that has always struck me about handshakes. Whether you’re a man or a woman, chances are the person you shake hands with masturbates regularly. Chances are they either use their hand or have used it at some point. That means you’ve got a 50/50 shot at touching the hand they use to touch themselves. Remember that next time you greet someone.


“A man’s willingness to love a woman is directly proportional to his willingness to humiliate himself.”

It’s an inescapable reality and a scientific fact. Men are more prone to take idiotic risks and do idiotic things for idiotic reasons. I’ve talked about the dangers of idiots before, but I’ll always have some sympathy for men who take stupid risks in the name of love. Some risks are just inherently worth it.

That’s not to say there aren’t lines that shouldn’t be crossed. It’s just striking sometimes how willing some men are to walk those lines and not even check to see if their shoes are tied. Again though, for the sake of love, I’d argue it’s worth it.


“If actions speak louder than words, then foreplay is a goddamn rock concert.”

Even though I operate primarily in a world of words with my novels, I strongly believe in the power of actions. I don’t deny that they send more messages than ten novels, a digital map, and blood hound. When it comes to certain actions, though, they can speak even louder. That’s where foreplay comes in.

It’s an important lesson espoused by the X-men, no less. It sends a powerful message that’s as loud as any rock concert or stadium. It conveys love, lust, affection, pleasure, joy, and everything else associated with rainbows and unicorns. In terms of action, foreplay might as well be a sonic boom, an explosion, and a shockwave all rolled into one.


“A person is only as kinky as their browser history.” 

You can learn a lot about a person just by talking to them, holding them, and having sex with them. Even if that person is open and honest, chances are they’ll reveal plenty about themselves, if not more than you ask.

That said, you can’t say you truly know a person’s most intimate proclivities until you’ve seen their browser history. It’s only after seeing what kind of porn, erotica, and blogs they’ve been reading that you know just what kind of person you’re dealing with. If that person happens to have this blog in their history, then all I can say is you’re welcome.


“The fact that people with satisfying sex live longer is proof that horniness is more powerful than death.”

While we’re not entirely sure of the mechanisms, it’s fairly clear that people who have great sex lives tend to live longer. Hell, if nothing else, a great sex life makes you want to live longer. That alone should count for something.

There are probably many factors involved in how great sex effects longevity. I’m sure there are all sorts of scientific, biological, and physiological forces in play. Since I’m not smart enough to understand any of that, I’m just going to assume that the human capacity for horniness is stronger than death.


If you haven’t taken the opportunity to bask in the summer heat, sweat a little, and get naked for a while, I strongly encourage it. Summer is one of those seasons that goes by fast. You don’t realize how much you’ll miss it until you start having to dress in layers again. Enjoy it while it lasts and be extra sexy in the process. You’ll be glad you did by the time snow starts falling again.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts