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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Poolside Edition

It’s summer time and you know what that means. The days are hot, the beaches are open, and the bikinis are out in force. It’s a beautiful time of year, especially for those like myself who appreciate nudity and various excuses for nudity. It’s not always full-nudity, but we’ll take what we can get. After being cooped up all winter, it’s hard to be that petty.

I’m already enjoying the feeling I get when I walk around the house naked. Even just wearing a pair of boxers feels extra special on some levels. Sure, the heat means more sweat, more humidity, and more body odor. However, if handled correctly, it just makes me feel that much sexier.

This time of year marks the first juicy bite of the savory steak that is summer. Some of us are still getting used to the idea that we don’t need to bring a sweatshirt with us wherever we go, just in case it gets cold. This is the time of year where you can get away with under-dressing. Sure, you have to be mindful of your local indecency laws, but it beats the hell out of wearing layers every day.

I am so ready to embrace summer that I’m sweating sunscreen. I’m sure many others tired of long underwear, heavy coats, and no bikinis are just as eager. For that reason, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the arrival of summer and all the sexiness it brings.


“Necessity may be the mother of invention, but horniness is its first cousin.”

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I don’t deny the influence of need, profit, curiosity, and laziness in the process of invention. I’m sure those factors were behind a great many advances, be they the light bulb or spray cheese in a can. I’m just saying that horniness is one of those understated influences. What else explains the creation of vibrators and bacon flavored lube?


“When you think about it, a bar of soap is the most intimate, non-sexual item that we own.”

There are all sorts of household items that we use in intimate ways. Be they vibrators, bottles of hand lotion, or socks, we have a uniquely close attachment to these products. Not all of it is sexual, though. Sometimes, a product is intimate just because it regularly touches our genitals.

In that sense, a bar of soap is the most intimate product we own. That bar of soap doesn’t just touch our genitals. It touches almost every inch of our naked bodies. It makes our skin feel clean and smooth. I could go on, but I’d rather not think such lurid thoughts when I’m around a bar of soap. I need to save those lurid thoughts for my novels.


“For rock stars and celebrities, groupies are like candy and every day is Halloween.”

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Rock stars having sex with legions of beautiful women is nothing new, but it does offer a uniquely sexy narrative. Most men go their whole lives spending countless time and energy just trying to get one woman to have sex with them. Rock stars have the opposite problem. It’s like picking a flavor of ice cream for them. The only problem is having enough of an appetite.


“If a house has a woman living in it and a shower with a detachable shower head, it’s generally safe to assume that shower head has been used for masturbation at one point.”

I think most people understand that when they enter a man’s house and see a bottle of lotion, they assume that lotion has been used for masturbation or something sexual. Not as many people understand the appeal of a detachable shower head with women.

It’s not just one of a billion crude jokes from an episode of “Two Broke Girls.” Women get horny too. This is a scientific fact that too many people deny. They don’t always use the same tools as men. I’m not saying vibrators and dildos don’t have their place, but I think a shower head is an underrated piece of sexual hardware.


“Going to a strip club and window shopping are disturbingly similar experiences for some people.”

I love strip clubs as much as the next man. Since I’ve been of legal age, I’ve been to more than my share. I’m a healthy young man. I enjoy looking at beautiful women getting naked on stage, dancing to music. I’m not going to apologize for that. It’s a spectacle and we humans love spectacles.

For some people, though, strip clubs and shopping are a bit too intertwined. I’ve seen men at strip clubs look at women the same way they look at a new Ferrari. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying that some men blur the line more than others.


“Variety is the spice of life, but we’re expected to forget that on our wedding day.”

We’re all told that variety and novelty are good things. We should seek new experiences and enjoy the variety of wonders that life has to offer. Most people agree with that. It may very well have helped us thrive as a species. There are even parts of it that are hardwired into our genetics.

For that very reason, it’s somewhat telling that we expect people to turn all that off on their wedding day. When you get married, you’re supposed to stop seeking novelty, settle down, and become a responsible, tax-paying family that will birth the next generation of tax-paying workers. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high?


“There’s no right way to make love, but there are too many wrong ways, some of which leave awkward scars.”

Being an erotica/romance writer, part of the fun is finding all sorts of wonderfully sexy ways to have couples make love. It pushes both your imagination and libido in all the right ways. So long as the love is genuine, lovemaking can take many forms.

Conversely, it can also fail spectacularly in ways that don’t make it into erotica/romance novels. It doesn’t take much to ruin the moment or kill the mood. Whether it’s an ill-timed spank or irresponsible dirty talk, it can really undermine a romance. It can also leave scars, emotionally and physically. It’s debatable which of the two are more embarrassing, though.


That’s it for now. Until next Sunday, get out there and enjoy the summer heat. Hang out by the pool, take in the sight of bikinis, and appreciate nature’s most clothing-optional season. Whether you’re working on a tan or reading a sexy novel, there’s a lot to enjoy. Just stay cool and stay sexy while doing it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Memorial Day 2017 Edition

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This weekend marks a bittersweet, but important holiday to all those who love and sacrifice for their country. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. It’s a time when we all take a moment to appreciate the men and women who serve in our armed forces. For some, it’s a solemn reminder of those we’ve lost. For others, it’s a time to celebrate what we’ve preserved.

It’s no small thing to serve your country. We live in a dangerous, chaotic world and I’m not just talking about snakes swimming up through toilet bowls. While the world, as we know it, has gotten better over the past century, there’s still danger out there. It still takes guts, heart, and spirit to put on a uniform and put your life on the line for a country that doesn’t always appreciate it.

Having had many of my own family members serve in the armed forces, Memorial Day has a special place for me. I’m sure many other families feel the same way and share the same sentiment. So on behalf of my family and all those who enjoy the freedom of having a blog that talks regularly about sex robots, I give my praise and thanks all those who served.

There’s only so much an aspiring erotica/romance writer can do to thank the brave soldiers who served their country so honorably. At the very least, I can dedicate this entry of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to them and hope a little crude humor helps honor the freedom they fought for.


“Male nipples are only as useless as their willingness to experiment with them.”

Biologically speaking, male nipples are useless. They serve no major bodily function for men. They’re just holdovers from our development process in the womb. Most men go their whole lives without really doing much with their nipples.

That said, the absence of a biological function doesn’t mean nipples can’t have a function at all. It just takes a little imagination. I’m not just talking about using nipples during sexy time, which is a thing men can do if they so dare. I’m just saying a little imagination and exploration wouldn’t hurt for this often-neglected body part.


“Since we protest, kiss, and lick with our mouths, does that mean oral sex is a form of free speech?”

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The mouth is a beautiful thing with underrated, yet vital sex appeal. The way we use our mouths to convey ideas is what helps build nations, cultures, and monuments. In the modern era, the speech we create with our mouths is considered an important right for those living in free societies. As such, doesn’t it logically follow that free speech and oral sex aren’t mutually exclusive? I’m just putting that idea out there.


“Acne, arrogance, and stupidity are nature’s way of ensuring horny teenagers don’t have too much sex.”

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Being a teenager sucks. Between school, hormones, and awkward boners, it’s a tough time that we all have to endure. It doesn’t help that teenagers are exceedingly horny. Put any group of teenagers in a confined space for a certain amount of time and they’ll find a find a weird way to express their horniness.

In that sense, I think the acne, immaturity, and stupidity that comes with being a teenager is nature’s way of balancing things out. Who really needs abstinence only education other than guilt-seeking Catholics anyway? The acne, body odor, and impaired brain function are enough to keep most youth in their pants.


“Is hooking up with a friend’s ex the romantic equivalent of insider trading?”

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For the most part, hooking up with a friend’s ex-lover that you’ve come to know is considered a dick move. Insider trading, which is akin to cheating on a horse race by placing a bet after it’s over, is also a dick move. Both involve using inside knowledge that others don’t have to get something you want. I’m not saying they’re the same. I’m just saying the similarities are uncanny.


“No drug can be considered a wonder drug if it causes sexual dysfunction.”

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Every year, there’s some new wonder drug that hits the market. The drug seems to do everything. It alleviates pain, cures a headache, or makes you confident enough to tell your boss to piss off. These drugs are hailed as miracles of science and cash cows to pharmaceutical companies.

However, it doesn’t matter if a drug cures cancer, makes you skinny, and gives you perfect bowl movements. If it causes sexual dysfunction of any kind for men or women, it can’t be a wonder drug. What’s the point of being so healthy when it leaves you so lonely on the weekends?


“When you think about it, prostitutes and plumbers have eerily similar jobs.”

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There are a lot of jobs you can compare to prostitution. Some of them are more of a stretch than others. I would argue that it’s not too much of a stretch for a politician, but more of one for a professional athlete. With plumbers, though, I don’t think you need much imagination and I’m not just talking about exposed butt cracks.

Think about it. We pay plumbers to fix or help us use equipment that handles a basic biological function. They often charge a lot for their services and they’re often exposed to some of our most private activities. It may not be as sexy as a nurse or a mechanic, but the parallels are there.


“A birthday, in a literal sense, is also as a celebration that two people got laid.”

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I love celebrating birthdays. Who doesn’t? Surviving a year on this crazy planet is a big deal. Let’s not overlook the secondary implications though. The only reason we have a birthday to begin with is because two people got laid and the product of that beautiful activity created us. I say that’s worth a second celebration.


“At some point, a relationship therapist is bound to become a sex coach.”

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I believe therapy is a good thing for those who need it. There are people in this world who need professional help to deal with certain issues, be they psychological or emotional. For relationship therapists, though, I think there’s a certain inevitability to the process.

If people are going to talk about relationships, then most of the time, they’re going to talk about their sex lives. If there are issues in a relationship, then chances are their sex lives are impacted. Fixing that relationship sometimes means fixing their sex life. What else is someone who aids in another’s sex life if not a sex coach? I think if that were an official title, a lot more people would study mental health.


Once again, to all those brave men and women in uniform, happy Memorial Day! Thank you for your service and sacrifice. It’s through your dedication that we live in a country where a guy like me can sell sexy romance novels. For that, veterans of every generation will always have a uniquely special appeal, sexy and otherwise.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: NFL Draft Edition

It’s a very special Sunday for football fans, like me. For non-football fans, it’s a case study in just how unhealthy our love of sports can be. That’s because this special Sunday has no games, no hitting, and no sexy cheerleaders on the sidelines. It’s the NFL Draft. It’s a huge spectacle for football fans, but it’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

The NFL Draft is basically just an event where NFL teams pick from a crop of promising college athletes who they think can graduate from being an unpaid amateur to being a grossly overpaid professional. Some can make this transition, but most don’t. That’s why those that do are a special breed. A few can even help their team become a contender, unless you’re the Cleveland Browns.

Some think it’s inane. Some think it’s a spectacle that doesn’t deserve to be a spectacle. I totally get those criticisms, but since I’m a huge football fan, I don’t give a shit. I love all things about football. While I do take issue with how college players are treated, possibly due to our sexual attitudes, I’ll gladly celebrate this inane sports gimmick.

For others who aren’t that insanely dedicated to sports, don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about you. In between listening to the entire city of Philadelphia boo Roger Goodell, I still have plenty of sexy thoughts that I’d love to share. As much as I love football, it just can’t turn off a sexy mind.

So while your football-loving buddies are pretending they know better than any NFL general manager, enjoy this latest edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” It may not be the same spectacle as the NFL Draft, but it should make you laugh and get you a little horny in the process. That’ll make anyone feel like a first round pick.


“The only difference between a passionate hobby and a fetish is the extent to which it facilitates orgasms.”

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We all have hobbies. I certainly do, as my love of comic books regularly demonstrates. We can be pretty damn passionate about our hobbies. Just go to any comic book convention and look at the costumes people wear. That’s a special kind of dedication.

However, a fetish can push things beyond dedication. When our passions lead to arousal and that arousal leads to orgasms, then it can get a little kinky to say the least. No matter how much you love your hobby, orgasms add an extra bit of incentive. That’s why the leap from a hobby to a fetish isn’t as big as you think.


“Are we depraved because we’re horny or are we horny because we’re depraved? It’s an important question because one requires a padded cell and the other requires a prostitute.”

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This is the sexual equivalent of a chicken-and-egg scenario. There are some pretty crazy people in this world, some of which are in major positions of power. They can develop some pretty depraved tendencies, but I often wonder how depraved they would be if they just got laid more often.

We all do dumb things when we’re horny. In any situation with any given tool, our horniness will screw us up. Now that’s not to say there are people whose depravity goes beyond being horny, but it is an interesting idea to contemplate, just how much that horniness plays a role.


“It says a lot about the times when any kid with an internet connection can view a billion pairs of female breasts, but they still need to be 17 to see breasts in a movie.”

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Let’s face it. The MPAA is completely obsolete. Maybe it had a place 30 years ago when they could put security guards in front of theaters, keeping children from the utter horror that is exposed female breasts. Today, however, it’s a joke. Any kid with an internet connection can see breasts of every shape and size. They shouldn’t have to wait until they’re 17 to see a R-rated movie.


“There’s a fine line between flirtation and harassment. One may get you laid. One may get you fired. The fact we risk it shows just how horny we are at heart.”

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This is another testament to our collective horniness. Now there’s no question that harassment is a major issue. It’s also a crime. Men who harass women and women who harass men can do real harm. The problem is that some people have a hard time understanding the difference between harassment and flirtation.

Not knowing that difference can be huge. It can mean the difference between finding a lover and ending up in a courtroom, explaining why you put pictures of your ass as someone’s screen saver. Despite all this, we still risk it. We really are just that horny.


“A one night stand is like fast food. A relationship is like a steady meal. A passionate romance is like an unlimited supply of chocolate fudge.”

There are many variations of sexual intimacy. Sometimes we just need to scratch that proverbial itch. Sometimes we just want someone to hold when we’re alone and horny. Then, there are those times when we find someone we love with true passion. Those times are like chocolate fudge. It can make any moment of any day a treat.


“If women spent a day as men, they’d have a new appreciation for how horny they are. If men spent a day as women, they wouldn’t learn a damn thing because they’d be too busy playing with their breasts.”

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I’m sorry, ladies, but this is another one of those inescapable double standards that I’ve talked about before. I believe that women would learn a lot about men if they spent a single day as one. They may gain a new appreciation for why we do the crazy things we do.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t go both ways. If men spent a day as a woman, they would learn next to nothing. How could they? With a pair of breasts always in reach, they would be too distracted.


“Until we can send orgasms through our phones, sexting is just a lazy attempt at amateur porn.”

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Now I understand that sexting is a growing phenomena that makes parents recoil in horror. They still can’t wrap their heads around precious baby being sexual in any capacity. However, I think the appeal is overrated. In an era of internet porn and Carl’s Junior ads, it doesn’t exactly have much impact. Now if there was a way to send someone an orgasm over the phone, then that would have an impact, among other things.


“Peacocks and strippers have a lot in common when you think about it.”

I say this not just because I once met a stripper named Peacock. Strippers get up on a stage and put on elaborate shows to entice potential mates/clients/credit card numbers. Peacocks to the same with their elaborate feather displays. It’s all a spectacle that’s done with boning in mind, either directly or indirectly. Some may call it shallow. I think it’s a beautiful demonstration of just how sexy the animal kingdom can be.


That’s it for now. It’s been an eventful weekend for the NFL, but for an aspiring erotica/romance writer, my sexy mind is always on the clock. Between thoughts like this and novels like “Passion Relapse,” I hope to keep supplying everyone with first round sexiness.

Plus, my mind isn’t governed by Roger Goodell. That has to count for something, right?

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Stoner’s Edition

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I don’t consider myself a stoner, but I know a few people who are and they are some of the nicest, most relaxed people I know. Compared to some of the drunks I’ve known, I’d much rather spend an afternoon with them. That tends to say more about the people than the drug itself.

I know that this past week was a big deal for the stoner crowd. This past week was 4/20, the closest thing stoners have to a holiday. It’s only fair. Alcohol has St. Patrick’s Day and Mardi Gras. Why can’t marijuana have a holiday to call their own?

Now I know there are a lot of controversial opinions about weed. I know it’s still an illegal substance in most states and countries. Sure, that’s changing for a few and that change is way overdue, but it has a long way to go. As a lover of freedom and the right to indulge one’s preferred vices in a responsible manner, I hope stoners reach their goals.

Until then, I can only offer my support and my weekly entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Between releasing my first published novel and an unofficial holiday for an entire subculture, it’s been a busy week. I can think of no better way to cap it off than with some crude, sexy humor. Enjoy!


“Someone who’s developing a spanking fetish must get very confused when they’re being punished.”

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I sometimes wonder about those who develop certain fetishes. It’s one of those things that just can’t happen overnight. It’s got to be a process to some extent. So those in the midst of that process who have a spanking fetish must get very conflicted when a parent, nun, or prostitute tries to punish them. It may or may not have the desired effect.

That doesn’t mean the process has to be difficult though. If a punishment ends up making you horny and those doing the punishing don’t realize that, then you win in the end.


“Objectively, men with big dicks and women with big tits struggle the most under public nudity laws.”

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I get that public nudity laws exist for a reason. Even though I enjoy nudity more than most, I still feel like certain people struggle with it. If you have a really big dick or a pair of awesome tits, I imagine public nudity laws are very stressful. You have an innate desire to show of your endowments, but the law says you can’t. It’s a constant struggle. In that sense, the well-endowed men and women of this world deserve our sympathy.


“Being sexy will only get you noticed. Having sex appeal will actually motivate someone to get you in their bed.”

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Make no mistake. There is a difference between sexy and sex appeal. It’s usually subtle. It usually determines whether a stripper gets an extra tip or whether a man gets that cute cocktail waitress’ phone number.

In essence, being sexy is just like being a flashy sign along a busy highway. Having sex appeal is like having a map that shows all the shortcuts to help you get from that initial encounter to someone else’s bed. It’s a powerful tool so you know the difference.


“Guns take lives. Genitals help create life. For some reason, though, it’s controversial to teach kids how to use them both safely.”

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This is an odd paradox of sorts. There are all sorts of programs for gun safety aimed at kids. The NRA even uses cartoon characters to teach it. Parents who own guns are more than happy to teach their kids all about safe and responsible use. It’s rarely controversial.

For genitals, though, parents recoil in horror. Never mind the fact that the proper use of genitals is the very reason children exist in the first place. The fact that abstinence only education is so prevalent shows an odd disconnect from those who want to teach children safe and responsible behavior.


“The fact that a women can make any part of their body sexier, but a man can never make his balls sexier says a lot more about female sexuality than most are willing to admit.”

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It’s amazing how women can take any body part, from head to toe, and find a way to make it sexier. Whether it involves painting toe nails or piercing labias, women get astonishingly creative when it comes to making parts of their body more attractive.

It says something about men that there are only a handful of body parts they can make sexier. Most of those require more work than painting toe nails. On top of that, men have certain body parts, like their balls, can never be attractive. Either our imaginations are just that limited or women are just that beautiful.


“Are bisexuals more sexually flexible or are they just plain greedy?”

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I’ve often wondered about this. From a pure numbers standpoint, bisexuals have a huge advantage. They can get frisky with 100 percent of the planet while those of a heterosexual persuasion are stuck with only half at most. That’s a hell of a disparity.

Does that mean that bisexuals are just that flexible? Is it possible that they’re just greedier and they’re playing a numbers game? We can’t know for sure, but I often find myself envying bisexuals. They know that when it comes to getting laid, the math is on their side.


“The fact that sex toys exist proves that our brains can be horny and rational to some extent.”

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Many say that we cannot be rational when we’re horny. I’ve even echoed that claim here on this blog. However, that’s not to say that it’s impossible to some degree. The creation of sex toys still requires a certain amount of rationality and logic.

Sure, we’re still prone to making stupid decisions when we’re really horny, but we can also be pretty damn motivated as well. Sometimes motivation can lead to beautiful creations. Excuse me. I just teared up a little.


“Lust is the meat on the bone. Romance is the sauce we use to cook it. Divorce is the food poisoning we get when neither is done right.”

Love and lust are a potent combination. That’s something I try to demonstrate in my books, especially “Passion Relapse.” It can create a perfect storm of passion and ecstasy the likes of which make life worth living. It truly is a beautiful thing.

Divorce, on the other hand, makes life about as pleasant as explosive diarrhea. It is the ultimate gut punch, both to our hearts and to our wallets. Like the difference between chocolate and food poisoning, it can take something beautiful and turn it into an agony that only a robust toilet is equipped to handle.


To stoners and non-stoners alike, I thank you for this momentous week. If you haven’t already, please take the time to check out “Passion Relapse.” Regardless of how high you are, it should put you in just the right mood to cap off your week.

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Ten Ridiculously Real Excuses That People Made (In A Court Of Law)

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Whenever I talk about serious issues or concepts on this blog, I do so knowing that at some point, I have to take a break. I need to find a way to make people laugh or get them horny or both, if possible. I’m not sure how many people get horny from discussions about sex robots, but people have all sorts of kinks.

When it comes to talking about reasons and excuses, it’s hard to make anyone horny from that. I knew that as soon as I decided that I would flesh out this issue. Now I have done my best to apply the concept to sexy situations, including those in my novels. I still doubt anyone needed a change in panties after that.

So I guess I’ll settle for the next best thing, which is making people laugh. When it comes to reasons and excuses, there’s actually a treasure trove on top of a mountain of chocolate. When it comes to humor, you won’t find any shortage that comes from people making stupid excuses for the crazy stuff they do.

Now we all do stupid things and make stupid excuses. That’s just part of life. In fact, many of us first discover our creative side when we have to make excuses as to why our parents should buy us that giant bag of Skittles. Those with a creative side probably got to eat a lot of candy as a kid.

It’s one thing for kids to make excuses over candy, though. It’s quite another when actual, functioning adults make them and in a court of law no less. If ever there was a place not to make excuses, which didn’t involve a rectal examination or a tax audit, a court room is at the top of the list.

Unfortunately, that still doesn’t stop some people. For some, the stupidity impulse is just too strong. In some cases, it’s pathetic. In others, it’s hilarious. Sure, it may undermine your faith in humanity, but that doesn’t make it any less funny.

While court rooms are supposed to be serious domains where the cold, but just hand of law can peacefully resolve disputes, it can still be a source of comedy. The number of stupid things people have said and done in a courtroom is simply too voluminous for an erotica/romance writer to sift through.

Thankfully, the folks at DailyTop10s have done some sifting for me. In the following video are 10 of the most ridiculous excuses ever given in a court of law. How ridiculous does it get, you ask? One of the excuses involves Bigfoot. I wish I were joking.

 

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Cherry Blossoms Edition

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Spring is one of those seasons you either love or want to love. I say want to love because sometimes there are barriers. If you’ve got allergies that kick your ass every chance they get, then the sight of beautiful flowers and cherry blossoms are more likely to fill you with dread instead of awe.

It’s kind of tragic when you think about it. Cherry blossoms and flowers are so beautiful. You want to admire them. It’s like getting a headache every time you see a pair of breasts. You want to see them, but at the same time, you dread it because you know how it’s going to affect you. Some sights are just worth the pain though.

So when it comes to spring, I’m always somewhat torn. I love the warmer weather. It’s easier to sleep naked and the ladies wear less when they go out for a walk. However, having been beaten and abused by allergies my whole life, I can’t help but feel a twinge of dread when I see the trees in my neighborhood bloom.

This year has been no exception. I’m at the part of spring where I’m convinced that my sinuses hate me and want to make me miserable until summer. I’ll endure though. That’ll make the sight of beaches and bikinis that much more satisfying.

Until then, though, I’ll need a potent mix of allergy medications and sexy thoughts to tide me over. Since it is Sunday and I’m still committed to my weekly Sexy Sunday Thoughts column, I’d say I’m ready for some extra medicine. I don’t care how it enters my body. It just has to be potent. That’s every bit as dirty as you think it is.


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“If all drugs had to be taken rectally, would that increase or decrease homophobia?”

It’s not much of a secret. When anti-gay crusaders go on their gay-bashing rants, they tend to focus heavily on anal sex. These same people probably pleasure themselves to the idea of two women going at it, but anal sex just makes them feel all sorts of strange and uncomfortable feelings.

Ignoring for the moment how asinine, if that’s not too loaded a word, their obsession over anal sex tends to be, I wonder if these people have ever had to take a drug rectally. If they did, would that change their sentiment? Would they still find another reason to whine about gays? It might not be an overly sexy thought, but it is pretty funny when you contemplate it.


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“No matter what the dictionary says, the word exacerbate sounds like a form of desperate masturbation.”

I remember the first day my English teacher used this word. I was in the seventh grade. The limited maturity and excessive hormones of me and my fellow classmates ensured an awkward reaction. I know what the dictionary says. I’ve even used this word in my novels. No matter how inane its meaning might be, the inner seventh grader in me will always conjure dirty thoughts.


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“Everything considered a vice makes us horny. Does that mean the police are indirectly regulating our horniess when they enforce drug laws?”

It’s another poorly-kept secret about drugs, drug enforcement, and vice laws. If you look closely at any of them, they’re all directly or indirectly affect our sex lives. If a drug makes us horny, then chances are the DEA will raid any place that makes it and the President will declare it as poisonous as arsenic.

We get it. Government and religious types don’t like the people getting too horny. It distracts us from more important things like paying taxes or building monuments to our overlords. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a place in civilization, but at least be honest about it.


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“Pubic hair is either sexy or disgusting with very little in between. That means those who permanently remove their pubic hair are really hedging their bets.”

Pubic hair is like a never-ending fashion fad. Sometimes having a nice, unkempt bush is the sexiest thing a man or woman can do to their lower anatomy. Sometimes the mere sight of pubic hair inspires uncontrollable gagging. Like Pokémon, it’s a craze that comes and goes.

That’s why I think those who permanently remove their hair with something like electrolysis are really hedging their bets. While pubic hair might not be that sexy today, thanks largely to the efforts of the Brazilians, that could easily change in the coming years. When it comes to sexiness, don’t hedge your bets is what I’m saying.


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“Everything that’s even slightly shaped like a penis will be the subject of a dirty joke. No exceptions.”

This is a basic rule of the internet, people, and life in general. We all have an inner 13-year-old just waiting to laugh at the first thing that reminds us of penises. It doesn’t matter if we’re old, bald, and shitting in bags. A part of us will always find humor in something that’s shaped like a penis. It’s one of those few rules that have no exceptions.


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“If something can be used as lubricant, then it has been used in a sex act. No exceptions.”

Dick jokes aren’t the only rules that have no exceptions. Human beings are wonderfully inventive. Spray cheese in a can is already a testament to that ingenuity. However, it doesn’t take the chemical expertise of Walter White to understand how any potential lubricant can be used.

Whether we’re cavemen using fish entrails or rocket scientists using advanced molecular substrates, at some point those liquids will be used for something sexual. It might involve masturbation. It might involve sensual massages. In any case, it’s going to be used for a sex act at some point. Again, there are no exceptions to this rule.


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“One man’s pain is another man’s foreplay. One woman’s foreplay is another man’s kink. One couple’s kink is a young child’s trauma.”

Human beings are strange and complicated creatures. The fact we’re actively working on sex robots is proof enough of that. Our concepts of foreplay and kink vary wildly from person to person. One person may find it disgusting, but another will be so turned on that they can’t get naked fast enough.

This kind of variety is a beautiful thing in my opinion. I’m all for people exploring and celebrating their kinks. Just make sure your kids don’t catch you. Some conversations are just too awkward at any age.


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“When you think about it, a masturbation competition has no real losers.”

This is just simple logic. If you’re in a masturbation contest and you achieve orgasm at any point, then it doesn’t matter whether you’ve won or lost. You still had an orgasm. No matter what the situation, orgasms make you feel like a winner. Again, that’s just logic.


I hope that did the trick. Does everyone else feel their sinuses clearing up? If so, you’re welcome. If not, you’re still welcome because you now have sexy thoughts streaming through your head. Laughter may be the best medicine, but I’d say sexy thoughts are a close second.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The Hugh Jackman Appreciation Edition

This weekend has been a big deal for X-men fans, comic book fans, and people who just think Hugh Jackman is God’s gift to this world. The “Logan” movie is out. If you haven’t seen it yet, what the hell is your excuse? Short of a death in the family, a life-threatening illness, or a date with Taylor Swift, there is none.

It’s exciting, but bittersweet for X-men fans. With this monumental movie, Hugh Jackman is hanging up his claws. He will no longer play Wolverine. I’ve talked about why this movie matters and why it’s importance goes beyond catering to comic book fans like myself. There will probably be many more discussions on this movie and its associated topics down the line. For now, though, Hugh Jackman has done his part.

What can you say about the man that hasn’t already been said or screamed by women with vivid imaginations during sex? He’s one of the most likable guys in Hollywood who doesn’t sell cocaine. He’s a truly special soul.

As a noted X-men fan, I can say for certain that his contributions to X-men and comic book movies will be celebrated for generations to come. Whatever he does next in his storied career, I wish him nothing but the best. May he enjoy critical praise and nude scenes with every actress on “Game of Thrones” for the rest his career.

That’s why I’d like to dedicate this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to the man who dedicated 17 years of his life to playing everyone’s favorite razor-clawed, whiskey chugging, mutton-chops wielding Canadian. I doubt he’ll ever read this, but Mr. Jackman, consider this my way of saying thanks.


“Teenagers have any number of reasons for being miserable, but you rarely see miserable teenagers with healthy sex lives. Coincidence?”

I like to think of myself as an expert on miserable teenagers, seeing as how I had a talent for misery throughout high school. I know all about the things that make a teenager sad, depressed, and just plain pissed off at the world.

For the teenagers that had healthy sex lives, and I know this because teenagers suck at shutting up, they weren’t really that miserable. It turns out that, despite all the fears about teen sex, it is possible for some teenagers to be responsible about it. The result is less misery. Go figure.


“Teach a man to love a woman and he’ll dedicate himself to finding the one for him. Teach a man to go down on a woman and that woman he’s seeking will find him.”

I consider this critical romantic advice for men who seek the love of women. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I explore all sorts of ideas about love, sex, and intimacy. In that exploration, I’ve learned that it’s not enough to just be passionate about finding a significant other. You also have to give those whose love you seek incentive.

When it comes to incentives, it’s hard to top good oral sex. It doesn’t matter how bad a day a man or woman is having. If their day ends with good oral sex, it’s a good day. That, my fellow men, will streamline any romantic quest.


“Does a prostitute at a singles bar defeat the purpose?”

People go to singles bars to seek out new romantic partners, hook up, and get laid if their lucky. It’s a complex game, one that requires an elaborate mating dances of sorts. Put it in a nature show and it’s basically a documentary with more rap music in the background.

A prostitute, male or female, circumvents that dance. There’s no ambiguity with their goals. There’s no elaborate dance beyond haggling how much extra it costs for oral. Not saying prostitutes have no place in a singles bar. They definitely do. However, they do sort of undermine the principle.


“If pole dancing qualifies as exercise, then lap dances should count as romance.”

Pole dancing is a new fitness trend. That’s not a joke. Seriously, this is actually a thing. I’m not too big on fitness fads these days, but this just feels like an excuse for people to exercise their elaborate stripper fantasies that they don’t want to share with their significant others.

If that’s really the case, then they why do things halfway? Why not go the extra distance and throw lap dances into the mix? If you’re going to call stuff like that fitness, then let’s at least be as flexible when it comes to romance.


“A trained gynecologist has no excuse for being bad at cunnilingus.”

This is just basic logic. Doctors go to school for a long time and have to learn a lot of things about the human body that most people never get to know, nor do they want to know. A gynecologist is just one of many specialties and I imagine it has a certain appeal that other parts of the body just can’t match.

So if someone is a trained and competent gynecologist, they should know the mechanics of giving women good oral sex. If they don’t, then what’s that say about their competence as a doctor? You can get away with being incompetent at some things. Gynecology is not one of them.


“Crossfit is to exercise what fisting is to sex.”

This is more an indictment about crossfit than it is about fisting. Now we all have certain sex acts that we consider uncomfortable or extreme. Some are just built for those acts and for those people, I say more power to them.

Crossfit, however, is one of those things where people seem to go out of their way to punish their bodies. It’s intense, it’s strenuous, and it doesn’t work for everybody. However, the people involved, much like those who love fisting too much, don’t shut the fuck up about it. Now I’m all for better sex and exercise. I don’t need people getting evangelical about it.


“No epic love story ever began with a drunken bar bet that involved public nudity.”

I’m sure there are any number of one-night stands and hookups that began with bar bets and public nudity. I may even write about some of those stories in my novels at some point. For a truly epic love story, though, I’m just as certain that it’s not a viable starting point.

Now I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for bar bets and public nudity, especially during Mardi Gras. However, if you’re trying to craft an epic love story, you’re probably going to need a better starting point.


“A teenage boy can’t truly say he’s smart until he’s learned how to get semen stains out of his bed sheets.”

This is something men everywhere have to deal with at some point, but rarely talk about. As teenagers, our dicks get us into all sorts of trouble. Even when we’re sleeping, they like to screw with us. So when our dreams get a little too vivid, the results tend to lead to awkward conversations with parents.

For those teenage boys who consider themselves smart and resourceful, they find a way to hide the evidence and avoid those conversations. I don’t care how many AP classes you take. If you’re not smart enough to hide the evidence of your Jennifer Lawrence fantasies from your mother, then you can’t call yourself smart.


That’s it for now. On behalf of Wolverine fans and people who just fine Hugh Jackman sexy as hell, I thank you. Mr. Jackman, this one’s for you. You spent 17 years playing Wolverine, the most badass comic book character of all time. Thank you for making the world a little sexier.

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