Tag Archives: sexy jokes

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: (The Day After) 4th Of July 2020 Edition


I know it’s a day late, but I’ll say it anyway.

Happy Birthday, America!

As I write this, I’m still digesting large amounts of burgers, hot dogs, and beer. I feel like I did my patriotic duty, celebrating my country in my own special way. Granted, there were no big gatherings or fireworks this year and for obvious reasons. That didn’t keep me from celebrating, nor should it prevent anyone else from doing the same.

Whether it’s just some barbecue or re-watching some of your favorite patriotic movies, everyone celebrates their country in their own special way. Now, I understand that celebrating this country hasn’t been easy this year. I’m not ignorant of the news or America’s less-than-flattering history. I freely admit that America has its flaws.

However, there’s a time to focus on those flaws and there’s a time to focus on the ideals that we strive for. The 4th of July is the latter. I’m a firm believer in those ideals. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness isn’t just a good bumper sticker. It’s a guiding principle for a free country. I believe in pursuing those principles. I believe they’re worth fighting for and striving for.

Yes, we still have a long way to go in living up to those ideals, but that’s what makes the 4th of July great. It allows us to celebrate how far we’ve come. Make no mistake. We have made progress. It’s never as much as we wish, but progress is still progress. It’s worth celebrating and I hope everyone had a chance to do so. Hopefully, these Sexy Sunday Thoughts can put you in a patriotic mood. Enjoy!

“Whoever said that ignorance was bliss probably had a very unsatisfied lover.”

“Drunk sex is never as fun as drunk foreplay.”

“Horniness is nature’s less threatening way of motivating lazy people.”

“When you think about it, faking orgasms is one of the oldest forms of fake news.”

“Friends with benefits can become very complicated when one friend has a weird kink.”

“There’s a non-zero chance you’ve sat in the back seat of the car where you were conceived.”

“As a general rule, you should put as much effort into hiding your sex toys as you do your porn stash.”

This year has been a big test for America and the world, as a whole. There’s no denying that. When we look back on these trying times, we’ll see our strengths as well as our weaknesses. Hopefully, we’ll learn from them. They’ll become hard lessons on the path of pursuing those American ideals. Having lived through them, we’ll all be stronger and better as a result.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Lovable Losers Edition


Everybody loves a winner. Everyone loves being a winner. That’s a fact of life. People are always going to be more inclined to cheer for the team that wins the championship. Their feats are more impressive. It’s easy for them to show their worth. Being a winner proves that by default. They don’t need much luck when it comes to attracting the sexier kind of attention.

At the same time, there’s room for the losers. Depending on how they conduct themselves, they can be lovable and attractive in their own unique way. It’s not just because we have a tendency to root for the underdog. A lovable loser is someone who really strives to push themselves, but just can’t get around a particular barrier or obstacle.

People have limits. Sometimes, it’s a product of talent. Sometimes, it’s an matter of circumstances. Whatever the reason, a loser can be lovable when they put up a fight. Even if they can’t come out on top, they can still say they gave it their all. Cowards are rarely attractive, but someone who loses after fighting with all their heart will still be respectable.

Losing is one of those things that really reveals who someone is. A good loser will learn from their mistakes and work to get better. A bad loser will whine about it and blame others. In terms of finding someone worth loving, the former has more to offer than the latter. To all those who lose, yet still learn, these Sexy Sunday Thoughts are for them. Enjoy!

“Learning to make your lover orgasm is the only gift that literally keeps on giving.”

“If you can’t trust someone with your Wi-Fi password, then you can’t trust them to touch your genitals.”

“Finding the right lover requires a willingness to embarrass yourself in the name of romance.”

“For those with a good sense of humor, laughter is both the best medicine and the best aphrodisiac.”

“Whoever deemed patience a virtue probably had a frustrating sex life.”

“Money can’t buy love, but it enables us to be horny in luxury.”

“Statistically speaking, you’re likely to find someone who appreciates oral sex at a dentist’s office.”

Champions will make the case that winning is everything. At a certain level, that’s true. At others, it’s just the primary goal. Many will try. Only a few will win. Most of us will lose in any endeavor we take on. It’s just a matter of how we navigate it and how we learn from it. That ultimately reveals the kind of person we are and, when handled honorably, it can attract others for all the right reasons.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Father’s Day 2020 Edition


I’ve said it before. I’ll keep saying it whenever I get the opportunity. This just happens to be a better opportunity than most. It’s Father’s Day again. That means I can once again stand atop the highest mountain and proclaim to the world one simple truth.

My dad is awesome!

I say that knowing he’ll probably read this at some point. I genuinely hope he reads it today. Yes, I know the subject matter of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts can be quite seamy. I don’t care. I’m still going to use this as an opportunity to remind the world that my dad is the absolute best. There are many ways he’s earned that right. I’ve shared a few, but there are too many for me to put into words.

On Father’s Day, I just try to remind him of how great he is. I am the man I am because of him. He taught me, guided me, and loved me as much as any father could. I didn’t always make it easy for him. Looking back, I realize that I was a difficult child at times. I tested my father on numerous occasions, but he always passed with flying colors.

He was patient, understanding, strong, caring, compassionate, kind, and a whole host of other words that aren’t in a thesaurus. As a kid, you don’t always appreciate it. As an adult, you just love him even more. Dad, whenever you do get around to reading this, know that you really are that awesome. These Father’s Day edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts are for you. Enjoy!

“Most romantic gestures function as an indirect effort to give someone an orgasm.”

“You can’t be be kinky without a certain mix of bravery and imagination.”

“Pity sex is the only reason cowards haven’t gone extinct.”

“When you think about it, marriage only exists as an institution because we don’t trust people with their own genitals.”

“Awkward boners take on a very different meaning in nudist colonies.”

“A handsome man will never get laid as often as a trashy woman.”

“Is a threeway with identical twins still a threeway?”

To all the other awesome fathers out there, of which there are many, I hope you use this day to celebrate. You’ve earned it. Your kids might not always understand you and you might not always understand them. Even so, a father’s love is special and worthy of celebrating.

Happy Father’s Day!

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Secret Freak Edition


What’s the difference between sweet talking and flirting? It’s a question I wish I’d asked as a teenager because knowing the difference really would’ve helped. Flirting is somewhat impersonal. It’s basically someone advertising their desire for a companion. You can use the same words, tone, and demeanor on multiple people and it will still make sense.

Sweet talking is different. Sweet talk is more intimate and personal. It’s the kind of thing you do with someone when you know what gets their heart beating faster. It’s not something you can just do with anyone. You have to know the person on some level. You have to have that shared desire forge a more intimate connection.

It not quite as intimate as physical intimacy, but it’s pretty damn close. It often acts as a catalyst to that level of intimacy. It’s not just what you say to someone. It’s how you say it. With the right tone and demeanor, it can turn a romantic situation into something very seamy. Whenever I’m writing novels or sexy short stories, it’s one of the best parts to explore.

Sweet talk is something that’s unique to every couple. There’s no wrong way to do it. Just find the right words and tone that works with your lover. From there, let the sexy romantic moments unfold. Here are a fresh crop of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help further that effort. Enjoy!

“A rich man can buy love, but a man who loves giving oral sex is more likely to earn it for free.”

“We’re more likely to make peace with or be enslaved by an alien species that we can have sex with.”

“On some levels, being really attracted to someone makes us act like a stripper.”

“Afterglow is nature’s way of tipping our species for surviving.”

“Fairy tale romances are the hardcore porn of love stories.”

“There are many stories about love at first sight, but not nearly enough about love at first orgasm.”

“Someone who is really turned on by obedience should probably be vetted before owning a pet.”

We’re all turned on by different things. We all have romantic senses that are triggered by different words. Part of the fun of connecting with people is learning those quirks. When we find someone who can sweet talk us into something sexy, it’s a beautiful thing. If you’re lucky enough to have someone, embrace it. If you don’t, then that special someone is worth finding.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Secret Freak Edition


It’s an old cliché, but it’s not entirely wrong. There are people in this world who are sweet, shy, and timid in public. In private, though, they are full-blown sex freaks. There’s a good chance you’ve encountered one in your life and not realized their freaky side. Some people just prefer to keep that side of themselves behind closed doors and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’ve known a few people like that. I knew a girl in college who was very sweet and soft-spoken in most public settings, but once you got her in a private setting, she had the kind of dirty mouth that would make a sailor blush. When she got excited, she got extra vulgar. It really turned her on. She might not have been fun to hang out with in public, but in private she was her own party.

That girl knew how to balance it out. Some, unfortunately, aren’t quite as adept. There’s a fine line between being a freak in private and being so repressed that you just go crazy once you’re behind closed doors. That’s not healthy. That can be mentally taxing on someone and their partner.

I’m of the opinion that we all need balance. Some just prefer a broad range of balance. Being a freak in private and shy in public is just one way to go about it. As long as you have someone to be a freak with, then I say embrace it. Have fun with it. Hell, get creative with it. I hope these Sexy Sunday Thoughts inspire just that.

“A man with a small penis will always be more motivated when it comes to giving oral sex.”

“Romance is basically a means of preheating your lover’s genitals.”

“Depending on the situation, sleeping with your teacher can count as both extra credit and detention.”

“For those who love peace and quiet, afterglow can be as satisfying as an orgasm.”

“Finding your lover’s G-spot is the sexual equivalent of computer hacking.”

“Money will increase your chances of getting laid, but power skews the odds entirely.”

“People fear what they don’t understand, but are often turned on by the possibilities.”

We all have a public persona and a private persona to some extent. For some, there’s little variation. For others, it’s downright extreme. The secret freaks of this world understand that better than most. If they’re lucky, they’ll find someone as freaky as them. That’s a beautiful foundation for romance if ever there was one.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Muscular Manly Arms Edition


When a man wants to flaunt how strong he is, he usually starts with his arms. It’s not the greatest source of strength or sex appeal, but it is one of the most prominent, especially for men. Regardless of how you feel about gender politics, one of the most defining traits a man can display is his muscles. The muscles in his arms just happen to be most prominent.

It’s often a gauge of how strong you are, how hard you’ve worked out, and how well you’ve been taking care of yourself. I know because I used that gauge when I started working out. After getting a healthy cardio going, I managed to lose some belly fat and assorted pudge. In doing so, however, I realized just how ropy my arms were.

That’s when the heavy lifting began. I’m not going to lie. My arms were pretty weak when I started. I could barely handle more than 15-pound dumb bells. Over time, that changed. As I got stronger, my arms got bigger. As my arms got bigger, I could lift heavier weights. Eventually, they got to a size where I could actually show them off. As vain as that sounds, it felt pretty good.

Strong arms go beyond aesthetics. When you embrace your lover, showing a little strength conveys powerful sex appeal. When someone is in a pair of powerful arms, they feel safe and loved. It’s one of the sexiest feelings you can share. It’s certainly worthy of some Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

“Logically speaking, a control freak is least likely to suffer from premature ejaculation.”

“A part of finding love is finding someone you’re comfortable being horny around.”

“If you can effectively lick a popsicle, then you can give a man oral sex.”

“Some forms of BDSM are just extreme forms of enforcing manners.”

“Hand-jobs are the cheap breakfast burritos of sex.”

“There’s a good chance you’ve encountered someone in the past week just after they finished masturbating.”

“If the pursuit of hot sex were a game, then thoughtful gifts are akin to cheat codes.”

Now that summer is upon us, now is a good time to flaunt those muscular arms if you have them. If you don’t, it’s not too late to start working on them. There are many kinds of strength that add to your sex appeal. A pair of strong, muscular arms is just one of the most obvious.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Memorial Day 2020 Edition


Global pandemics have a way of tempering any celebration for any occasion. That’s understandable. This year has limited our collective ability to celebrate anything, be it Mother’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, or even a simple Saturday. However, for certain occasions, we should still make the effort. We may not be able to celebrate, but we can still acknowledge the importance of day.

Memorial Day definitely qualifies, in that respect. There may not be a lot of parades, cookouts, or pool parties going on this year, but those are only secondary. In terms of worthy things to celebrate, our nation’s veterans deserve to be at the top of that list. They’re the ones who willingly go on the front lines, put themselves at risk, and protect those who cannot protect themselves.

In a world where we need our heroes now more than ever, this Memorial Day is more important than most. The world is in crisis and that crisis is affecting them in uniquely difficult ways. There are opportunities to acknowledge the sacrifice and contributions they’ve made. Some are more elaborate than others, but you can get involved.

If you cannot participate in a parade or volunteer, consider donating to a veteran’s charity. If you have veterans in your family, give them a call. Give some of your time and your love for them. They’ve earned the respect and admiration of their country. They’ve also earned this Memorial Day edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

“Being a perfectionist means having even fewer excuses to skip foreplay.”

“Practically speaking, a narcissist and a stalker should be the perfect couple.”

“Men will look at ugly breasts longer than women will look at beautiful penises.”

“How much can you really trust a sexually repressed person with a cucumber?”

“Asking why women sleep with rock stars is like asking why people deep fry twinkies.”

“Trying to fix a doomed relationship is like trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.”

“A serial monogamist is just a slut that can’t multitask.”

To all the veterans out there, from those who retired from service to those serving in the field, I salute you. Thank you for your service and your sacrifice, especially during times like this. We appreciate all that you do. You are the real heroes in a world that desperately needs them.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Premium Coffee Edition


First, I want to say on record that I am not a coffee snob. I’m not one of those people who stands in line at a coffee shop and spends a full five minutes giving a barista intricate details on how to brew my order. Those people are right up there with the assholes who text, drive, and give you the finger for honking your horn.

That said, I love coffee as more than a morning pick-me-up. I can also tell the difference between the dirt-cheap brew you get at a gas station and the kind you pay double for at a specialty shop. I’ll still drink the cheap stuff if I just need to perk myself up in the morning, but that premium blend is something I value.

The difference between cheap coffee and premium coffee is similar to the difference between a quickie in a broom closet and an entire afternoon of passionate lovemaking. Both feel great. Both are inherently desirable. There’s a time and a place for both. One is just inherently more satisfying than the other.

That’s how I feel about good, premium coffee. I’d estimate that around 75 percent of my best writing occurs while I have a cup of premium coffee in reach. It’s not just a necessary stimulant for the modern world. It’s nourishment for the mind, body, and soul. A good cup of coffee helped inspire these Sexy Sunday Thoughts. I hope they, along with your next brew, can inspire something just as awesome. Enjoy!

“If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then porn is basically a haiku.”

“Being single and ready to mingle is like being a bounty hunter for orgasms.”

“If someone is stupid, but still gets laid, can they really be stupid?”

“Every successful prostitute starts as an opportunistic slut.”

“Is a best friend you don’t have sex with really your best friend?”

“Patience is both a virtue and a critical component of effective foreplay.”

“Technically, having sex with a germophobe is a form of safe sex.”

Not everyone needs fancy, premium coffee every morning to get themselves going. Like impassioned lovemaking, it’s something that you want to save for the right moments. That way, you can literally taste the joy that it brings. It’s both refreshing and uniquely sexy. What more could you want in a well-caffeinated drink?

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Mother’s Day 2020 Edition


I know I say this every year and I’ve every intention of saying it for as long as I can.

My mom is the absolute best!

I’ll say it as many times as I have to and for whatever reason comes to mind. Mother’s Day just gives me more reasons than most. It’s yet another opportunity to appreciate the wonderful woman I’m lucky enough to call mom and I make it a point to take advantage of those. She deserves all the love a mother can get and then some. Today is just a large part of that effort.

I know how lucky I am to have an awesome mom. There are many other moms out there who deserve plenty of praise. They birth us, they love us, and they raise us. Their love is the foundation for which we understand and appreciate love. From the day we’re born to the day we die, the love of a mother is part of who we are.

It would be easy to call Mother’s Day just another Hallmark Holiday. It doesn’t matter if it is. Moms are still worth celebrating and cherishing. Whether it’s as simple as a card or an elaborate brunch, complete with male strippers, today is a day in which we show our appreciation. I certainly plan on doing my part for my mother. Hopefully, these Sexy Sunday Thoughts will inspire you to do yours. Enjoy!

“If necessity is the mother of all invention, then horniness is the negligent father of kink.”

“There’s at least one person turned on by the things you find disgusting.”

“By default, necrophiliacs will always have the fewest sexual harassment complaints.”

“Falling in love requires us to follow our hearts, but selectively listen to our genitals.”

“Talent makes some people a good lover, but practicing foreplay will make anyone a capable lover.”

“An expensive wedding ring is basically an overpriced no trespassing sign for your genitals.”

“Hiding an awkward boner is a skill no man wants to learn the hard way.”

I’ll say it again, just to belabor it.

My mom is the best!

To her and all the wonderful mothers out there, Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for birthing us, loving us, and nurturing us through this chaotic world. After a year like this, that love has never been more precious. Today, you deserve to be celebrated and pampered. Enjoy it! You’ve earned it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Heroic Health Care Workers Edition


The world a swirling shit storm. There’s just no other way to say it. We’re in the midst a global pandemic. Society as we knew it has shut down. The economy has fallen apart. Life has become a painfully mundane waiting game. There’s a storm raging, but most of us can’t do anything to make it go away faster.

As bad as it is, there are heroes in this world. As I write this, and as you read this, they are working tirelessly to confront this pandemic and care for its victims. They’re the doctors, nurses, scientists, and various health care workers who are on the front lines, literally and figuratively. The superheroes in comics and movies may do amazing things, but what these people are doing in the real world is beyond extraordinary.

There’s not much I can say that hasn’t already been said. These people are more than heroes. Many of them are going into a situation they know puts them at risk. They’re dealing with people who are sick, dying, and vulnerable. Most of us can barely handle being stuck at home, let alone confronting life and death situations every day.

There’s a lot we can do to show our appreciation to the health care workers navigating this crisis. There are places to donate. That always helps. If you happen to know someone in that field, see if there’s something extra you can do. That helps too. For now, the best I can offer is a special brand of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. It’s not much, but it’s how I like to show my appreciation.

“For a dirty mind the line between disgust and intrigue is often blurred.”

“Trust is the invisible lubricant that makes sexy kinks possible.”

“Morning wood was the first true pop-up ad.”

“True love is only as true as a couples’ worst kept secret.”

“Feelings evoked by foreplay are the exact opposite of those evoked by traffic jams.”

“Love doesn’t make you foolish, but it forces you to compromise with many foolish impulses.”

“You’re only as kinky as your gag reflex allows.”

To all the health care workers out there, from the surgeons to the nurses to the receptionist, you are a special kind of sexy. Thank you for everything that you do. Thank you for being there on the front lines to save lives, as only you can. That kind of sexiness knows no equal.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts