Tag Archives: sexy jokes

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The Final Exam Edition

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For millions of kids, teenagers, and underpaid teacher, this is a magical time of year. This is when the end of the school year is finally in sight. It’s no longer some distant dream or tempting thought, not unlike that of prisoners counting down the days of their sentence. Then, just when it feels like you’ll never escape, you see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s getting so close.

It’s a wonderful, albeit agonizing feeling for some. I’ve made clear before that I despised high school. I was miserable, unhealthy, unattractive, and had the social skills of a lobotomized squirrel. I did get good grades, but that was hollow consolation at best. Had it not been for the hot teacher I had my sophomore year, I’d have done everything I could to just forget it.

I know, and sincerely hope, that my high school experience wasn’t typical. I hope it’s gotten better since I was in school. Even if school isn’t making kids too miserable right now, I’m sure some of them are still eager to get it over with and enjoy their summer. I can’t make time go faster, but I can make it feel less agonizing with a light application of crude, sexy humor.

That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those eager students and teachers who can’t start their summer vacation soon enough. To those desperately watching the clock every day, I say hang in there. It’s almost over. Let these sexy jokes help tide you over until then.


“Isn’t it somewhat hypocritical that we call our genitals junk, but spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning and caring for it?”

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We call our genitals a lot of crazy things. Some are cute. Some are funny. Some make no goddamn sense. I’d use a lot of words to describe my penis and how I feel about it. Junk isn’t one of them.

I don’t know where this came from. I don’t know why it’s funny. Maybe it’s just the erotica/romance writer in me, but the way we treat our genitals is serious. If we treat them like junk, our weekend isn’t just ruined. Our entire species is in danger. Think about that next time you call your nether regions junk.


“When you think about it, bondage has unique appeal to those who lazy and unmotivated.”

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I’m sure there are all sorts of complex, psychological underpinnings behind bondage and BDSM. I’ve even talked about a few of them. Sometimes, though, there doesn’t need to be some complex mental gymnastics to explain why some enjoy it. Sometimes, something as simple as laziness can fill in the blanks.

Think about it. If you’re on the receiving end of bondage, you don’t have to do anything. You can’t. You just have to stay tied up while your partner does all the work. For those who sucked at gym class, I can see how that would appeal to certain people.


“When you think about it, those who use elaborate costumes to get in the mood are just taking the scenic route to O-Town.”

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I’m often astonished by the time and effort some people put into their cos-play costumes for comic book conventions. I’m just as astonished/aroused by the time and effort some people put into their kinky sex costumes. Just go to any gay pride parade and marvel at the intricacies of their attire.

Some would argue that such effort into such a basic act is a waste. I disagree. In the same way we sometimes take the scenic route to the same destination, it’s just one of the many ways to enjoy the process of sex and not just the outcome. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, that sort of thing brings tears of joy to my eyes.


“There are certain beautiful women who look at hot gay guys and see it as a challenge.”

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Back in the late 90s, Ricky Martin was the hottest piece of man meat on the planet. I would see grown women pick up a magazine with his image on the cover and go into a semi-orgasmic frenzy. It was a strange, but interesting time, at least in the sense when magazines were still relevant.

When he turned out to be gay, that disappointed a lot of women. Some of them, however, weren’t dissuaded. Some of them actually said out loud, in public, and in a sober state of mind that they could change that and not in the “Pray Away the Gay” sort of way either.

I don’t know if it’s ego or frustration, but those women kind of scared me. They thought they could mentally coerce a man into wanting to have sex with her. As a man, I know that if someone needs convincing to get horny around someone, then it’s just not meant to be.


“Some people are willing to accept alternative facts, but would probably draw the line at alternative orgasms.”

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A lot of people roll their eyes at “alternative facts,” but will make every excuse to use them when it suits their agenda. I generally don’t argue with these people. They’re not going to be convinced otherwise. I just smile to myself and imagine what would happen if they used that same approach to their sex lives. I’m pretty sure their excuses would fail them.


“When someone spits on us, it’s disgusting. When we willingly lick the spit out of their mouths during a kiss, it’s romantic.”

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This is another one of those odd quirks in our social behavior. When you hate someone, you spit on them to demonstrate your hatred. It’s widely accepted as one of the most hateful things you can do to a person or group.

Conversely, if you’re with someone you love, one way you express that love is to rub your lips and tongues together. You’re practically slurping up their spit. That’s love while the other is hate. Does anyone else see an inherent disconnect there?


“A woman who says she likes exotic accents is just saying politely that all the men from her hometown are assholes.”

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I don’t deny it. Accents are sexy. Few things soak a woman’s panties than a foreign man with an exotic accent. Why else would so many women still want to have sex with Sean Connery?

I get it. Exotic things can be sexy. At the same time, however, I also think a woman who really loves exotic accents is saying something about the men from her hometown, albeit indirectly. If she has to look to another country to find a man to make her horny, then I think that says more about the men she’s known than it does her.


I hope that put a smile on your face or a awkward boner in your pants. Either way, you’re welcome. Again, I know it’s not going those last few days of school any less painful. That pain will pass though. If I can survive with my sanity somewhat intact, then anyone can.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Mother’s Day Edition

Today is a very special day. Today, we give thanks to the wonderful women who enjoyed having sex enough that they lovingly conceived us in their wombs. Yes, it’s Mother’s Day. Then again, anyone who willingly carries another human in their bodies for nine months deserves way more than just a card and breakfast in bed.

No matter how you spin it, moms are a big part of our lives. Why else would MILF porn be so popular? Moms give birth to us. Moms nurture us. Moms willingly let us suckle on their nipples and receive nourishment. They are the only ones who can actually make tits more amazing than they already are. That’s an accomplishment.

I love my mom. I try to make that love and appreciation clear every time I see her. She’s been a wonderful influence on me my whole life. Considering that I was miserable, self-loathing little shit at times, I can’t help but marvel at the breadth of such love. She really is that amazing. No offense to Gal Gadot, but she is the real Wonder Woman of my life.

She knows what I do. She’s been very encouraging since I began writing all those years ago. She, my father, and my family have given me more support than I ever could’ve hoped for as I pursue my dream of being an erotica/romance writer. So to my mom and all the other wonderful moms out there, I thank you.

As such, I’m proud to dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to my mom and all the other moms out there. Thank you for giving us life. Thank you for having the sex that conceived us. We hope that was an especially satisfying experience, just as I hope these crude comments are especially funny.


“The sight of boobs makes boys hungry as babies. The sight of boobs makes men act stupid as adults. Does that count as irony?”

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I’m not sure if this counts as irony or a paradox. Maybe it’s a fluke of biology or part of some deep-seated psychological imprint that develops in the minds of men. Maybe it’s just our caveman brain’s inability to differentiate between hunger and horniness, which I’ve talked about before.

Whatever the case, the results are the same. Boobs make baby boys hungry. Boobs make grown men act stupid. When I was in New York City last year, I walked past a number of topless women in Times Square. I could feel my brain power temper so that it could process the beauty of expose breasts. Ironic or not, men think boobs are awesome at any age is what I’m saying.


“Those who say sex is an itch that needs to be scratched has clearly never had a nasty mosquito bite on their balls.”

I’d rather not go into too much detail about this. There’s a reason I know what it feels like to have a mosquito bite on unusual parts of my body. I do not want to tell that story. I’ll just say that those who make light of a mere itch are woefully misinformed about how sensitive certain parts of their body really are.


“Massages can be equally sexy for both genders, but they’re always more messy for one gender in particular.”

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Who doesn’t love a good sensual massage? It’s one of the few sexy acts that can be both deeply romantic and overtly pornographic. It has everything you need for sex appeal. There’s intimate touching, relaxing sensations, and plenty of potential for romantic affection.

If done right, a massage can be an orgasmic experience and then some. That said, it can get messy, especially if you’re very generous with the massage oil. It also tends to get messy for one particular gender, namely the one that requires tissues and baby wipes. It’s just basic biology.

Ask anyone who’s had to clean up that mess though. They’ll say it’s worth it.


“A man can’t say he’s in love with a woman until he willingly buys her tampons. A woman can’t say she’s in love with a man until she willingly fixes a toilet he clogged.”

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There are many ways to test just how in love you are with your partner. Having similar tastes in movies, food, and underwear certainly help, but true intimacy can sometimes manifest in less obvious ways.

The way I see it, if you’re willing to accept the less flattering traits of someone, then your love definitely has some meat to it. A man who buys feminine hygine products and a woman who deals with a man’s bathroom habits can rightly claim they’ve achieved a level of intimacy that goes beyond rubbing body parts together.


“A true test of trust is letting someone else shave your pubic hair.”

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Think about it. Shaving your nether regions is a dangerous and risky endeavor. One wrong move and your weekend is ruined, among other things. It’s hard enough to trust your own hands to tend to your most sensitive body parts. Trusting someone else to do it takes something special. It’s actually kind of romantic when you think about it.


“When a woman flashes her tits outside a strip club, is it undermining the efforts of hard-working strippers or does it count as free advertising?”

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This kind of confuses me. When I was in Las Vegas, there was a topless woman giving out flyers for a strip club. She had great tits herself so it seemed kind of redundant. Why advertise for something in a way that gives the customer what they want from the outset?

Then again, maybe it was a free sample of sorts. Maybe that woman understood that when a man sees one pair of tits, he wants to see more. In that sense, her ploy was pretty brilliant.


“Would prostitution be less taboo if they were reclassified as sexual trainers?”

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There are all sorts of taboos surrounding prostitution. When you’re the world’s oldest profession, the simple law of averages ensure it’s bound to happen. I get why women wouldn’t want their lovers to see prostitutes. It works the other way too. I’m sure men don’t want their girlfriends drooling over male strippers.

So rather than make this another source of conflict, why not turn it into something productive? Why not reclassify prostitutes, male and female alike, as trainers with which we refine our sex skills? The prostitutes get money. Ordinary people are trained by professionals to make love to our partners more effectively. Everybody wins.


Once again, thanks to all the moms out there for being the wonderful women they are. If you can, do something special for the woman that bore you. She’s more than earned it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Opening Day Edition

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This weekend is a glorious weekend for a certain type of sports fans. Baseball, the great American past-time, has returned and for the first time since the days of the Ottoman Empire, the Chicago Cubs are defending world champions. That alone is something to marvel at.

I know it’s an odd combination, a man being a fan of both erotica/romance and sports. I love many kinds of sports. I certainly hope I’ve made my love of football abundantly clear. I also have a soft spot for baseball. One of my favorite summer activities is to come home from a long day of writing erotica/romance, pop open a cold beer, and watch a ballgame. I won’t say it’s as great as sex, but it’s still pretty darn great.

It’s also personal for me. I played baseball as a kid. I also loved playing catch with my dad in the back yard. Baseball is full of all sorts of fond, happy memories for me. That’s why I’m more than happy to dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the new baseball season. Here’s to hoping we all hit a home run.


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“A woman with a great butt appeals to many grown men. A woman with great tits appeals to both grown men and infants. Advantage: great tits.”

It’s a debate as old as civilization. Which is sexier, butts or breast? Many heated debates and bar fights have erupted over this debate. Men and women are so fond or proud of both. It may very well be an unwinnable argument.

That said, when it comes down to pure numbers, tits have the edge. A great butt is beautiful and all, but it won’t feed a crying infant. That’s an advantage that even the roundest, sexiest of butts can never match.


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“In retrospect, we’re grateful that our parents had sex to make us. However, we still get queasy when we think about how much they enjoyed it. Does that make us hypocrites?”

It’s another instance where our built-in gag reflex keeps us from appreciating how we came to be. Face it, our parents had to have sex in order for us to exist. Chances are, they probably enjoyed it too. The fact that they enjoyed making us should make us feel proud and loved.

Even so, a part of us still twinges at the idea of our parents enjoying the beautiful act that gave us life. Does that count as hypocrisy? Given the reflexive nature of it all, I’m not sure. I just hope that my parents did enjoy making me. If my stomach hates me for that sentiment, then so be it.


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“Most people tend not to wonder who invented thong underwear. We’re more curious about why it took so damn long in the first place.”

Some inventions aren’t a matter of necessity. Some aren’t even a matter of practicality either. They’re just a natural byproduct of human ingenuity. The rock, the hammer, and the nail certainly qualify as such. I would also put thong underwear in that category too.

For as long as there have been humans, there have been efforts to augment the sexier parts of our bodies. Sometimes it involved fancy gowns. Sometimes it involved cod-pieces. However, it’s easy to imagine someone in any era imagining something like thong underwear.


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“In a literal sense, we treat public nudity the same way we treat spam email. We’re eager to remove it the second we see it.”

I hate spam email. We all do. It deserves to be hated. It’s one of those things we instinctively attack the moment we see it. When it comes to nudity, though, I think those instincts are misguided.

I’ve said before that I’m a fan of nudity. I think the world would be a better place if we allowed and celebrated more nudity. At the moment, though, nudity triggers this instinct in all to be appalled by it. I don’t think that’s healthy or natural. I intend to fight that instinct as best I can with my novels.


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“If money makes certain women horny, then do they consider large alimony checks a form of extended afterglow?”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying all women are gold-diggers looking to plunder a man’s wallet using the full force of draconian marriage/divorce laws. However, there are some women who take that practice to extreme levels.

The prize of those extremes are a fat alimony check from some rich guy who wanted to have sex with a beautiful woman and had the necessary resources to do so. By any measure, that’s not a bad prize. Considering sex was needed to get it, I do wonder how afterglow applies.


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“Men don’t like to think of themselves as whores, but still pride themselves on their ability to sell their skills.”

I find it odd, and a little ironic, that men use the term whore as an insult. However, when it comes to selling their skills and their abilities to the highest bidder, the only difference between them and a classic whore is the absence of boob jobs. When you think about it, being a whore and being successful go hand-in-hand. They both require the same skill. One just requires the exchange of more body fluids.


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“Softcore porn is to adults what Saturday morning cartoons are to kids. In addition, hardcore porn is to adults what classic Disney movies are to kids.”

I loved Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. They were a simple, basic pleasure that put a smile on my face. When I discovered softcore porn on premium cable, I discovered another simple, basic pleasure that gave me a similar smile.

Like many kids, I also enjoyed Disney movies. They always raised the bar for cartoons, story, and drama. In that sense, hardcore porn had a similar effect on me as an adult. It raised the bar for what put a smile on my face. It’s kind of poetic when you think about it.


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“When you think about it, a lesbian gynecologist is the most motivated doctor in all of medicine.”

We’re all motivated when it comes to our jobs. If we’re not, then chances are we won’t keep that job for very long. That’s why it’s important to find a job we’re highly motivated to do and do well.

By that standard, who could possibly be more motivated than a lesbian gynecologist? Seriously, I dare anyone to find a job where the incentives are that personal and that strong.


That’s it for now. Now get out there, buy yourself some peanuts and cracker jacks, and enjoy a ball game. If you’re alone at home, clothes are entirely optional. I think you all know which option I’ll be exercising.? Man

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Spring Leap Edition

I know. It sucks when we lose an hour of sleep. Even if you don’t have to work and got a lot of sleep the night before, it still sucks. Sleep is one of those things we don’t like to compromise. That’s why daylight savings, at least in the spring, is so frustrating.

We all need as much rest as we can get, if only to ensure our beds are ready for other activities. If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know what I mean so I won’t spell it out. I’ll just let your dirty, filthy imagination fill in the blanks.

Dirty or not, there’s no getting around it. We here in America have all lost an hour of sleep today. That sucks, but it’s not a goddamn tragedy. The best we can do is suck it up, sleep in next weekend, and do what we can to make up the difference. I can’t give you that hour back, but I can make it easier with some of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts.

Even if you’re tired, a little sexy musings should help re-energizing your mind, body, and everything in between. Consider it my makeshift remedy to this most inconvenient of practices. Enjoy!


“Eating, sleeping, breathing, and sex are all basic needs, but only one of them is illegal to do in public.”

Unless you live in a nudist colony, this is one of those odd little proclivities about society and how we meet our basic needs. Now I’m not saying that people having sex in broad daylight is a good thing. Traffic is bad enough in some cities. The last thing we need is blowjobs holding up a crosswalk.

That said, sex is still one of those basic needs that we all seek as humans. Like food, air, and rest, it’s as critical to our survival as any other basic function. Despite this, there are all sorts of taboos and laws that prevent us from doing it out in the open. Not saying it’s inherently wrong, but it is kind of odd in that context.


“An orgasm for women is one of the few bodily functions that has been both a symptom and a remedy for disease.”

It’s true. There have been times in history where orgasms have been seen as a sign of disease. For some societies, especially those run by celibate holy men and chaste women, an orgasm might as well be a malignant tumor. No self-respecting woman would seek such toe-curling pleasure without some form of ailment right?

At the same time, orgasms have also been used as treatments for certain diseases, most of which have since stopped being diseases. In terms of treatment, you can’t get much better without morphine or weed.


“Marriage is the bureaucracy of love and divorce is the hidden legal fee of heartbreak.”

Let’s not lie to ourselves. Marriage, as an institution, is very much a bureaucracy. It’s next to impossible to make it sexy or romantic, but we, as a society, have done our best. I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it still works.

Divorce, on the other hand, is never sexy or romantic. It is, for all intents and purposes, the legal equivalent of a kick to the balls or an ice pick to the heart. By comparison, a hidden legal fee is almost merciful. Like I said though, bureaucracy obscures our capacity for love and romance. You take the good, the bad, and the downright painful that comes along with it.


“Jealousy is to love what projectile vomit is to erections.”

I’ve written about jealousy before and questioned just how natural it is, but I don’t deny how toxic it can be to love. Jealousy is like kryptonite. It can take an otherwise-healthy relationship and drag it through piles of elephant shit.

It’s a toxic emotion, that’s for sure. When it comes to lust though, namely those that inspire erections, it doesn’t take something so esoteric. Something as simple as projectile vomiting, both as a participant and an observer, will kill any sexy mood faster than a surprise visit from the Pope. It’s just basic biology.


“The first person to try anal must have been very convincing and the first person to agree to it must have been very gullible.”

I’ve got nothing against anal and those who enjoy it. I don’t consider myself an enthusiast though. I’m more than happy to leave that sort of thing to gay men, experienced porn stars, and the kinky women who inspire them.

However, I still can’t help but wonder what into the first act of anal sex. What exactly where those involved thinking? Were they drunk? Were they feeling adventurous? What kind of conversation did they have? I don’t know, but I suspect one person was very persuasive and the other was exceedingly susceptible to being persuaded.


“A young woman’s annoying personality traits are directly correlated by how much she spends on her dog.”

Maybe this is just Paris Hilton’s influence being too damn prevalent, but I’ve noticed a fairly common trend among certain women. If they’re young, beautiful, and annoyingly upbeat, they tend to pamper their dog in ways most human babies can only dream of. Short of breast feeding, these dogs have a pretty sweet deal.

The cost, unfortunately, is a woman with an annoying personality who sees her dog as more worthy of affection than other people. Now I love dogs as much as the next guy, but there’s a fine line between care and infatuation. Those who never see that line tend to be more annoying than they’ll ever admit.


“Men can’t experience the pain of childbirth, but they spent their whole lives vulnerable to a kick in the balls so it kind of balances out.”

I know women will debate me on this. Being a man, I can never know the pain of childbirth. I’ve seen how pregnancy effects friends and family members. It really does a number on a woman’s body that makes me think twice about taking a sick day because my stomach hurts.

That said, women will never know the pain that comes with being hit in the balls. Growing up, I played sports. As a result, I’ve been hit in the balls with a baseball, a basketball, a hockey pick, and a lacrosse ball. That’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s also a pain that I, as a man, will always be vulnerable to. I’m not saying this puts men and women on equal footing. I’m just saying the gap isn’t as big as you think.


“Those who give oral sex are heroes. Those who receive oral sex are lucky. Those who do both are true champions.”

I’m of the strong believe that oral sex is the ice cream of sex. No matter what form it takes, it’s usually pretty damn delicious. Those eager to give it deserve the highest of praise. Those lucky enough to get it deserve a high-five, a hug, and an ounce of respect.

However, it’s those that do both who are the real legends. Those that do both and do them well don’t just make things better for their lovers. They raise the bar for those around them. As far as I’m concerned, oral sex can’t have too high a bar. A world where everyone can give and receive oral sex masterfully is a world of true peace.


That’s all for now. Hope this helps make up for the lost hour you would’ve otherwise spent in bed, not contemplating such sexy subjects. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can only do so much. However, I’m certainly willing to do my part.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The (Anti) Valentine’s Day Edition

It’s almost here, that most holy of holidays among lovers, fuck buddies, and anyone who signed the necessary legal documents permitting them to have sex without a priest or mullah bitching about it. That’s right, it’s almost Valentine’s Day.

For an aspiring erotica/romance writer, it should be a good day for me. It should be one of those days where I shamelessly promote some of the sexy romance stories I’ve crafted. I mean why wouldn’t a seamy thriller like “Skin Deep” or a steamy romance like “The Escort and the Gigolo” not be appropriate for this most sappy of holidays?

Again, it should be one of those days for me. Sadly, it isn’t. In my experience, Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays that’ll either remind you that you’re lucky enough to have a lover or that you’re unlucky enough to be alone. From the looks of it, this year’s Valentine’s Day will be the former for me.

Yes, it does look like I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day alone again. My only companion will be named Jack Daniels it seems. At least I can say he’s always there for me in my time of need, among other things.

However, I refuse to let my current relationship status or lack thereof keep me from thinking about overtly sexy stuff. I wouldn’t be a very good erotica/romance writer if I weren’t. So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, for both those who love it and those who hate it, I give you another version of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.”

If you have a lover, hopefully they get you in the mood. If you don’t, hopefully it gives you strength to endure this most annoying of holidays. Whether you’re content or miserable, a little sexiness goes a long ways.


Sex and love are two related concepts that work best when the line between the two is hopelessly blurred.

As much as I dislike Valentine’s Day, I am a romantic at heart. I’ve always had a deep affinity for romance. It’s a big reason why I strive to become a successful erotica/romance writer. I know it’s sappy, overplayed, and partially ruined thanks to Twilight, but I still love romance, especially the kind that mixes perfectly with a little sexiness. When put together, they make a damn potent combination.


The fact that we struggle to tell the difference between a horny teenager and a miserable teenager says a lot about why they struggle through high school.

If I’ve said it a billion times, I still haven’t said it enough. Being a teenager sucks. High school sucks. What makes it suck even more is that this is usually the time in our biological life cycle when we’re the most horny. I don’t care how cool you are or how good your grades our. If you’re really horny, you’re going to be miserable.

We’re so goddamn horny, but every PSA and after school special is urging us to never have sex or even think about it. Then, people wonder why teenagers are so miserable in a world of smart phones and bacon-wrapped shrimp. That’s what horniness does to immature minds. It’s just basic biology.


The day men and women achieve true equality is the day calling someone a slut becomes a term of endearment.

I’m not a fan of certain insults. I’m okay with calling someone an asshat or a shithead because they apply equally to both genders and send a clear message. Other insults like slut and whore just don’t work for me because that message isn’t clear.

Most men want women to have sex with us. Most men want them to be willing to get naked. So why create an insult that shames that? We’re not doing our genitals any favors. It’s just as much a problem when women use these insults. They act like wanting to fuck and enjoy toe-curling pleasure is a bad thing. Am I the only one who sees a flaw in that?


The day science perfects the bionic penis is the same day dildo makers start to panic.

Make no mistake, science is working on this and they have made progress. So long as men want to keep improving the function of their dicks, and they have since they first found out that theirs isn’t the biggest, they will pursue a technological enhancement. At some point, science will improve this part of our body, along with many others.

When that day comes, dildo makers will be in trouble. In fact, they may be the first to suffer. Why would women even settle for a lifeless hunk of plastic when there are men with efficient, robust cocks walking around? Be afraid, dildo makers. Be very afraid.


There are disturbingly few differences between politicians and prostitutes, but only one knows how to use their mouth with any skill.

There are any number of jokes we can make about politicians these days, especially after last year’s election. Many of these jokes are funny because they have an uncomfortable amount of truth to them. That’s why I find their similarities to prostitutes so hilarious, albeit in a tragic sort of way.

What sets prostitutes apart is their ability to use their mouths to screw people in ways they actually enjoy. In that respect, they’re far more respectable than almost every politician in the world. Is it any wonder why so many are eager to ban prostitution?


Ten talented fingers will never be a skilled as one experienced tongue.

I know. It’s another thought about sexy tongues. I have a lot of them. I don’t know why, but I’ve always found skilled tongues to be extra sexy. I know there are men and women who put a lot of effort into using their hands, as well as other parts of their body, to the utmost in pleasing a lover.

However, in my experience a tongue just has too much versatility in matters of love and sex. No fingers, or any other body part, can ever hope to match it.


Whoever invented body glitter was either tired of hiding their affairs or just wanted a creative way to brag about how much sex they get.

I really don’t understand the purpose of body glitter. I don’t even understand why it’s a thing. However, I’ve noticed that it’s usually popular with strippers. That indicates to me that there’s a connection that nobody wants to think too much about. Given how one of my books involves strippers, I guess I can’t help but think about it more than most.


Positive thinking doesn’t get you laid, but it keeps your genitals on standby.

Let’s face it. Our minds are way too easy to fool. What else explains the power of the Placebo Effect? As such, why wouldn’t it affect our sex lives in some profound way?

It’s often said that the brain is the most important sex organ in our bodies, or a close second at the very least. That’s why it makes sense to keep it positive and energized. Your genitals and your brain may be at odds sometimes, but they can help each other when the thoughts and situations are just right.


That’s it for now. On behalf of myself and all those who will likely spend Valentine’s Day alone, hang in there. Be strong. Be sexy in your own right. Love will come come and when it does, hopefully you will too.

Yes, that last line is every bit as dirty as you think it is.

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