Tag Archives: sex jokes

A Piece Of Furniture (Specifically) Designed For Sex?

Every so often, in between writing sexy novels and sharing sexy thoughts, I come up with ideas that I’m not sure what to do with. I don’t know whether or not I can turn them into novels. I can’t really relate them to more serious issues, like religious extremism or sex robots. However, they’re ideas I just can’t seem to forget or throw away.

This is is one of those ideas that just kind of came to me when I was taking a shower. Now, I don’t deny that a lot of great ideas come to me in the shower. I’m naked, dripping wet, and feeling sexy as hell. That usually does wonders for my mind. This, however, kind of came from nowhere and it’s best summed up in one question.

Is there a piece of furniture specifically designed for sex and if so, what would it look like?

This isn’t an exercise in caveman logic or some kinky thought experiment. This is an honest question about the fundamentals of sex. When it comes to kinky ideas, be it sexy role playing or sexy Halloween costumes, we humans can be astonishingly creative. Just look up something called “Furries” and be prepared to clear your browser history.

When it comes to simple pragmatics, though, we kind of have a blind spot. We tend to give so much thought to the kink that we overlook the basics. Now, I’m not saying that’s wrong or misguided in any way. It’s because people give so much thought to kinky stuff that I have a potential audience for my novels. In this case, though, I think we can stand to be a little practical.

When most people think about the furniture people have sex on, they usually think of a bed. That’s the most basic and common site for sexy time, be it romance or a one-night stand. It more than does the job, but let’s not miss the trees from the forest here. A bed, as a piece of furniture, wasn’t designed specifically for sex. It was designed for sleeping. I’ll give everyone a moment to stop rolling their eyes.

Think about the rest of the common furniture we use. From recliners to coffee tables, they’re all designed with a specific purpose in mind. Granted, that doesn’t stop people from having sex on them. The basic rule of thumb is that if it’s physically possible for two people to have sex on a piece of furniture, they have or they will at some point. That’s just the power and breadth of human ingenuity/horniness.

That leads me to wonder, though. Has a piece of furniture ever been designed specifically for the purpose of sex? If not, what sort of features would that piece of furniture have? It’s one of those overly-obvious ideas that has exceedingly sexy implications.

Now, I get that there are some kinds of furniture with distinctly sexy twists. I also get there are some beds that accommodate sex more than others. However, for this kind of furniture, I’m talking about something that is designed specifically to maximize sex.

Since I’m not an artist or an engineer, I can’t provide detailed schematics. If I could, then I’d have patented this sexy idea long ago and sold it on “Shark Tank.” I’m not saying the idea would’ve made me a millionaire. I’m just saying it would’ve raised a few eyebrows for all the right reasons.

That said, I can imagine a few important features for a piece of furniture like that. It’s one instance where being an erotica/romance writer gives me an edge, of sorts. My novels are filled with situations about people finding creative ways to have sexy, make love, and everything in between. I’ve already thought this partially through without knowing it.

With that in mind, here are few of the key features of this sexy piece of furniture that I think should be included. I admit the need for such features varies between couples. Everyone makes love in their own unique way. Ideally, this piece of furniture will help maximize every one of those ways so here we go.

  • It is about the size of a small sofa with dimensions specifically designed to accommodate and support two people

  • It has a slight incline, which ensures maximum leverage and visibility between partners

  • It doesn’t have a handrail or anything on the sides, but there are strategically-located gripping areas so that partners can maintain a certain level of balance during sex

  • The surface must be smooth and soft, ensuring that naked or partially-clothed bodies can move effortlessly along its surface without uncomfortable chafing

  • The base must be wide and sturdy in order to accommodate high amounts of physical exertion

  • The surface must be easy to clean and/or replace in order to minimize the stains caused by various sexual fluids

  • The entire unit must be light and easy to move from room to room

  • The unit must also be customizable for people of different body shapes, preferences, and physical capabilities

I know some of these details are either common sense or overly general. That’s the point, though. The furniture I’m describing here is all about pragmatics. It’s designed specifically for sex, lovemaking, and everything in between. It’s meant to accommodate one-night stands, quickies, and intimate lovemaking that goes on for hours. It’s not something you fall asleep on. It’s something you have sex on.

I imagine this description conjures all sorts of different images in peoples’ minds. I don’t claim that my ideas of sexy furniture are the same as anyone else’s. I also don’t claim that I would use this piece of furniture the same way as someone else. The key here is both pragmatics and flexibility. Put them together and you’ve got something that makes a great thing even better.

Image result for sexy look gif

Again, this is just my overly-kinky idea. I’m sure plenty of other people who are much smarter and more capable than I am have other concepts for sexy furniture. If so, please share those ideas with me. I’d love to turn this into a sexy debate, of sorts. What exactly would the perfect piece of sex-enhancing furniture look like? It’s hard to say, but it’s fun to think about.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Summer Solstice Edition

Personally, I love this time of year. The days are long, the nights are cool, and the pants are optional, if not outright discouraged. Summer is a great time for all things sexy and I’m not just talking about its greater potential for nudity. I’ve often found that I do better work when I’m sweating rather than shivering. As a man, I think that’s healthier and not just for my balls.

While summer might never be as special to me as it is to all the school children who love not having to spent half their day at a glorified test-preparation prison, it’s still a great time of year. I find myself more relaxed, more upbeat, and more able to craft sexy stories. Again, I’m not sure if that’s because of the greater opportunities for nudity, but I’m not ruling it out.

These are still the early days of summer. We haven’t yet gotten sick of sweating our asses off every time we walk outside for more than two minutes. That will happen eventually. For some, it happens faster than others. I imagine those people are skiers. For me, though, I’m ready and eager to sweat this summer.

With that image and smell in mind, I dedicate this week’s entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the long, hot days that school children and nudists alike love. Those are two categories of people that usually don’t agree on much, nor can they for legal reasons. In this case, though, an exception is totally warranted.


“Nothing becomes a fetish until it becomes the an effective way to get an orgasm.”

I don’t claim to know everything about every fetish. I also don’t claim that I’ve no kinky proclivities of my own. Anyone who has read my novels probably suspects I have some unique, but fairly standard tastes. I have a feeling those tastes will evolve as I write more novels and get more of them published.

That said, I don’t doubt the power of some peoples’ fetishes. I also don’t doubt there’s a point where it becomes more than just a kinky interest. As soon as that interest manifests in orgasmic ways, we can be fairly certain that a fetish has been born. It can be beautiful, disturbing, and messy all at the same time.


“Those who are the most sexually uptight probably have the most disturbing masturbation habits.”

There’s no getting around it. Sexual repression has some pretty damaging effects on people. You can only repress your biological urges so much before they start screwing with your brain. For those who are really dedicated to their repression, I shudder to think about how they deal with it in their private moments. It probably makes for some disturbing and messy moments that are best left private.


“Whenever you shake someone’s hand, there’s a 50/50 chance that you’re touching the same hand they masturbate with.” 

This is something that has always struck me about handshakes. Whether you’re a man or a woman, chances are the person you shake hands with masturbates regularly. Chances are they either use their hand or have used it at some point. That means you’ve got a 50/50 shot at touching the hand they use to touch themselves. Remember that next time you greet someone.


“A man’s willingness to love a woman is directly proportional to his willingness to humiliate himself.”

It’s an inescapable reality and a scientific fact. Men are more prone to take idiotic risks and do idiotic things for idiotic reasons. I’ve talked about the dangers of idiots before, but I’ll always have some sympathy for men who take stupid risks in the name of love. Some risks are just inherently worth it.

That’s not to say there aren’t lines that shouldn’t be crossed. It’s just striking sometimes how willing some men are to walk those lines and not even check to see if their shoes are tied. Again though, for the sake of love, I’d argue it’s worth it.


“If actions speak louder than words, then foreplay is a goddamn rock concert.”

Even though I operate primarily in a world of words with my novels, I strongly believe in the power of actions. I don’t deny that they send more messages than ten novels, a digital map, and blood hound. When it comes to certain actions, though, they can speak even louder. That’s where foreplay comes in.

It’s an important lesson espoused by the X-men, no less. It sends a powerful message that’s as loud as any rock concert or stadium. It conveys love, lust, affection, pleasure, joy, and everything else associated with rainbows and unicorns. In terms of action, foreplay might as well be a sonic boom, an explosion, and a shockwave all rolled into one.


“A person is only as kinky as their browser history.” 

You can learn a lot about a person just by talking to them, holding them, and having sex with them. Even if that person is open and honest, chances are they’ll reveal plenty about themselves, if not more than you ask.

That said, you can’t say you truly know a person’s most intimate proclivities until you’ve seen their browser history. It’s only after seeing what kind of porn, erotica, and blogs they’ve been reading that you know just what kind of person you’re dealing with. If that person happens to have this blog in their history, then all I can say is you’re welcome.


“The fact that people with satisfying sex live longer is proof that horniness is more powerful than death.”

While we’re not entirely sure of the mechanisms, it’s fairly clear that people who have great sex lives tend to live longer. Hell, if nothing else, a great sex life makes you want to live longer. That alone should count for something.

There are probably many factors involved in how great sex effects longevity. I’m sure there are all sorts of scientific, biological, and physiological forces in play. Since I’m not smart enough to understand any of that, I’m just going to assume that the human capacity for horniness is stronger than death.


If you haven’t taken the opportunity to bask in the summer heat, sweat a little, and get naked for a while, I strongly encourage it. Summer is one of those seasons that goes by fast. You don’t realize how much you’ll miss it until you start having to dress in layers again. Enjoy it while it lasts and be extra sexy in the process. You’ll be glad you did by the time snow starts falling again.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Heat Wave Edition

Summer is here and as much as I enjoy the beaches and bikinis, it does have its share of issues. I don’t know about the rest of the country, but my particular area is in the middle of its first real heat wave. It’s hotter than a camel’s nut sack. After a long, cold winter, it’s pretty jarring.

In the winter, it’s at least possible to do something sexy to stay warm. I’m pretty sure there are a significant number of babies conceived by couples just trying to save money on their heating bill in winter. That’s not to say heat keeps people from getting frisky. If anything, it makes ditching clothes that much easier. In the winter, though, there’s more of an economic incentive and we all know how powerful those can be.

Staying cool in a heat wave can be a challenge, especially if you live in a place where the air conditioning is average on a good day. Even someone who loves nudity as much as I do can only do so much. That said, it still beats having to dress in layers just to get groceries.

I’m sure there are others out there who cope with heat waves in their own special way. I’m also sure some of those ways are far more effective than anything I can possibly do. I’m not saying this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts will help. It certainly can’t hurt, though.


“Nudity only becomes gratuitous when it becomes and impromptu anatomy lesson.”

I’ll say it again and I’ll keep saying it whenever I get a chance on this blog. I love being naked. I think it’s one of life’s most underrated pleasures. As much as I love it, though, I understand it can get gratuitous at times.

The bar varies from person to person, but most people generally agree that nudity stops being fun when it becomes too little about sex appeal and too much about anatomy. I’ve seen this happen in everything from romance novels to porn. I don’t deny the beauty of the human body. That beauty just gets undermined after a certain level of scrutiny.


“Giving oral sex to a woman is akin to tuning a radio. Giving oral sex to a man is akin to playing his favorite song on a loop.”

While on the subject of anatomy, there’s an unmistakable difference when it comes to giving oral sex to different genders. I’m sure the bisexual crowd can attest that male and female body parts work differently. Some need more tuning than others.

I’m not among those who think giving oral sex to a woman needs to be on par with rocket science. I’ve already talked about the orgasm gap and why it may be more in our heads than we think. I’m just saying that when it comes to men, being able to work a radio makes you overqualified to give them good oral sex.


“Body piercing is only as sexy as the injuries on certain body parts they’re sure to incur.”

I’m all for people having the freedom to modify their bodies as they see fit. Like Mystique from the X-men, I find that kind of flexibility both beautiful and distinct. However, there are some distinctly unflattering implications of certain piercings. Like tattoos, sugary soda, and vampire movies, it is possible to overdo them.

With piercings, though, the consequences of overdoing them are much worse. Again I’m not saying people shouldn’t do it or be chastised for wanting to. I’m just saying that it’s a gamble for a very limited payoff.


“Heavy petting doesn’t become foreplay until you know you’ll have to wash your hands later.”

Couple, Making Out, Young, Happy, People, Woman, Man

This is a debate that often happens among horny teenagers who are still trying to figure out whether or not they got laid. The term “heavy petting” gets thrown around a lot in those debates. Personally, I never understood what that implied. As an aspiring erotica/romance, I think I’ve developed a greater understanding of the lines between petting and foreplay.

It’s a simple rule-of-thumb. Kissing and making out will get your blood flowing, but it won’t leave any lasting effects other than having to unwrinkled your clothes. When it comes to heavy petting, it usually requires at least one person to wash their hands and their clothes the next day. I’ll leave it to your dirty imagination to surmise what that implies.


“To some, candles are a great way to set a romantic mood. To other, they’re just a fire hazard.”

Candles can be romantic as hell. There’s no denying that. I certainly think candles can bring some romantic ambience into any room. It’s not for everyone though. For some people, candles do nothing to set the mood. They’re just fire hazards or messy accessories. I won’t speculate on the kind of person who finds candles that unromantic, but I imagine they’re the same people who think Hugh Jackman is overrated.


“Great sex is often measured by the amount of your lover’s body you’re willing to lick.”

This is something else that I’ve learned as an aspiring erotica/romance writer who regularly writes about insanely sexy moments depicting sexy activities that will sets panties on fire. When sex is that good and you’re that in love with someone, you really don’t care where they put their tongue or how you use yours.


“When it comes to being weird or eccentric, being great at sex gives you a lot more flexibility.”

There are a lot of eccentric, quirky, annoying human beings out there. The fact we tolerate them, even making a celebrities out of a few, shows us the breadth of that tolerance.

Some people, though, require even more. In my experience, we’ll much more willing to grit our teeth and endure if that person is great at sex. It doesn’t matter if they’re a man, woman, or something in between. If we know they can hump like a jackrabbit on crack, we’ll give them more passes than they deserve. If they’re that good, they’ve earned as such.


Does this make you feel hotter or cooler? During a major heat wave, I’m not sure which is preferable. Whatever the case, I hope this kind of heat doesn’t derail anyone’s summer. I know the sweat and humidity sucks, but heavy coats and long underwear sucks even more. If you’re going to sweat, though, the most you can do is make sure you’re sweating for all the right reasons.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Poolside Edition

It’s summer time and you know what that means. The days are hot, the beaches are open, and the bikinis are out in force. It’s a beautiful time of year, especially for those like myself who appreciate nudity and various excuses for nudity. It’s not always full-nudity, but we’ll take what we can get. After being cooped up all winter, it’s hard to be that petty.

I’m already enjoying the feeling I get when I walk around the house naked. Even just wearing a pair of boxers feels extra special on some levels. Sure, the heat means more sweat, more humidity, and more body odor. However, if handled correctly, it just makes me feel that much sexier.

This time of year marks the first juicy bite of the savory steak that is summer. Some of us are still getting used to the idea that we don’t need to bring a sweatshirt with us wherever we go, just in case it gets cold. This is the time of year where you can get away with under-dressing. Sure, you have to be mindful of your local indecency laws, but it beats the hell out of wearing layers every day.

I am so ready to embrace summer that I’m sweating sunscreen. I’m sure many others tired of long underwear, heavy coats, and no bikinis are just as eager. For that reason, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the arrival of summer and all the sexiness it brings.


“Necessity may be the mother of invention, but horniness is its first cousin.”

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I don’t deny the influence of need, profit, curiosity, and laziness in the process of invention. I’m sure those factors were behind a great many advances, be they the light bulb or spray cheese in a can. I’m just saying that horniness is one of those understated influences. What else explains the creation of vibrators and bacon flavored lube?


“When you think about it, a bar of soap is the most intimate, non-sexual item that we own.”

There are all sorts of household items that we use in intimate ways. Be they vibrators, bottles of hand lotion, or socks, we have a uniquely close attachment to these products. Not all of it is sexual, though. Sometimes, a product is intimate just because it regularly touches our genitals.

In that sense, a bar of soap is the most intimate product we own. That bar of soap doesn’t just touch our genitals. It touches almost every inch of our naked bodies. It makes our skin feel clean and smooth. I could go on, but I’d rather not think such lurid thoughts when I’m around a bar of soap. I need to save those lurid thoughts for my novels.


“For rock stars and celebrities, groupies are like candy and every day is Halloween.”

Image result for rock star groupies

Rock stars having sex with legions of beautiful women is nothing new, but it does offer a uniquely sexy narrative. Most men go their whole lives spending countless time and energy just trying to get one woman to have sex with them. Rock stars have the opposite problem. It’s like picking a flavor of ice cream for them. The only problem is having enough of an appetite.


“If a house has a woman living in it and a shower with a detachable shower head, it’s generally safe to assume that shower head has been used for masturbation at one point.”

I think most people understand that when they enter a man’s house and see a bottle of lotion, they assume that lotion has been used for masturbation or something sexual. Not as many people understand the appeal of a detachable shower head with women.

It’s not just one of a billion crude jokes from an episode of “Two Broke Girls.” Women get horny too. This is a scientific fact that too many people deny. They don’t always use the same tools as men. I’m not saying vibrators and dildos don’t have their place, but I think a shower head is an underrated piece of sexual hardware.


“Going to a strip club and window shopping are disturbingly similar experiences for some people.”

I love strip clubs as much as the next man. Since I’ve been of legal age, I’ve been to more than my share. I’m a healthy young man. I enjoy looking at beautiful women getting naked on stage, dancing to music. I’m not going to apologize for that. It’s a spectacle and we humans love spectacles.

For some people, though, strip clubs and shopping are a bit too intertwined. I’ve seen men at strip clubs look at women the same way they look at a new Ferrari. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying that some men blur the line more than others.


“Variety is the spice of life, but we’re expected to forget that on our wedding day.”

We’re all told that variety and novelty are good things. We should seek new experiences and enjoy the variety of wonders that life has to offer. Most people agree with that. It may very well have helped us thrive as a species. There are even parts of it that are hardwired into our genetics.

For that very reason, it’s somewhat telling that we expect people to turn all that off on their wedding day. When you get married, you’re supposed to stop seeking novelty, settle down, and become a responsible, tax-paying family that will birth the next generation of tax-paying workers. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high?


“There’s no right way to make love, but there are too many wrong ways, some of which leave awkward scars.”

Being an erotica/romance writer, part of the fun is finding all sorts of wonderfully sexy ways to have couples make love. It pushes both your imagination and libido in all the right ways. So long as the love is genuine, lovemaking can take many forms.

Conversely, it can also fail spectacularly in ways that don’t make it into erotica/romance novels. It doesn’t take much to ruin the moment or kill the mood. Whether it’s an ill-timed spank or irresponsible dirty talk, it can really undermine a romance. It can also leave scars, emotionally and physically. It’s debatable which of the two are more embarrassing, though.


That’s it for now. Until next Sunday, get out there and enjoy the summer heat. Hang out by the pool, take in the sight of bikinis, and appreciate nature’s most clothing-optional season. Whether you’re working on a tan or reading a sexy novel, there’s a lot to enjoy. Just stay cool and stay sexy while doing it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: End Of School Edition

Image result for the last day of school

For kids across America, this is probably the best time of the year that doesn’t involve gifts, candy, or goofy costumes. It’s the end of the school year and the start of summer vacation. For most kids who’ve come to loathe homework, exams, and waking up at the crack of dawn, that couldn’t be a better feeling without including a free massage.

The end of the school year is a magical time for many. It’s a brief taste of freedom, absent the rigors of school or the toil of a job. As an adult, I don’t envy how kids have to deal with schooling that primarily teaches them how to pass a test and how live on a diet of frozen pizza. However, I do envy the brief bit of freedom they enjoy over the summer.

As I’ve gotten older, I look back on those summer vacations fondly. I may have gone out of my way to be miserable, especially in my teenage years, but even I could appreciate how great those summer vacations were. Between warm weather, the beach, and being able to sleep in, it really was a great time.

So for all those kids out there settling in for the summer, I dedicate this week’s entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the end of the soul-crushing headache that was the school year. Granted, my blog isn’t aimed at kids and talks about many distinctly adult issues. In an era of unlimited internet porn and Fox News, though, I’m going to assume they’ve already seen much worse.


“If a piece of furniture can support the wait of at least one human body, then someone has or will try to have sex on it at some point.”

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This is more a warning than a comment. Whenever you visit someone’s house, however fancy or modest it might be, it’s generally safe to assume that a lot of furniture has been used for sex at some point. The criteria isn’t that strict. If said furniture can support a certain amount of weight or even provide some level of stability, then it has been used for sex or at least has the potential to be. That’s just a fact of life.


“There are so many incentives to be good at sex that anyone who it takes more effort to be bad at it over a long period of time.”

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Sex is supposed to be like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty damn good. Given all the benefits and incentives for having great sex, from intimacy to more intense orgasms, there aren’t a lot of excuses that people can make for being bad at it.

Now I understand that there are those who have limited sexual experience or have some kind of sexual hangup that undermines the mood. That’s a legitimate issue that some people have to deal with. Absent those issues though, sex is one of those skills that’s easy and fun to practice so unless you actively try, it’s hard to stay bad at it.


“When sitting on a crowded bus or train, it’s generally safe to assume that at least one person really wishes they could safely masturbate in public.”

 

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I’ve used public transportation before. Most people have at some point in their lives. You tend to encounter some strange people every now and then. Some are far stranger than others. Some are strange, but not enough to notice.

That’s why news stories about people caught masturbating on buses should come as no surprise. While most people are able to restrain themselves, it’s usually safe to assume that at least one person would do it if they could. Remember that next time you’re on a crowded bus or train. It’s only the laws and social norms of civilization that keeps that person from masturbating on the spot.


“A male speedo will never be as sexy as a female thong, but it will always have the potential to be.”

Image result for man in a speedo

Maybe it’s just an American thing, one derived from our sexually mute Puritan ancestors, but men wearing speedos is kind of taboo. We’ll cheer and hoot at women who put on a thong and proudly show off their feminine beauty on the beach. When a man tries to do the same, though, it doesn’t quite elicit the same reaction.

That said, I believe the male speedo is a highly underrated piece of sexual hardware. I’ve tried one on before. I think it makes me look good. I think it makes me look sexy. I strongly encourage more men to try it. Men may never be able to inspire the same sexiness as female thongs, but I think it’s still worth exploring.


“Whenever we buy something, we prefer to see pictures of what we’re buying. However, whenever we ask for nudes from a prospective lover, that somehow makes us assholes.”

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These days, men who ask women to send nudes are looked upon with scorn and shame. We tend to put these men on the same level as those who throw rocks at kittens just for kicks. Never mind the fact that wanting to see naked women is right up there with wanting a hot cup of cocoa on a cold winter day, but think about it from a pragmatic point of view.

In many other endeavors, whether it’s buying a car or some clothes, we like to see pictures. We like to see every detail about what we’re hoping to buy. When you think about it, asking for nudes is no different than asking for tech specs on a new laptop. Is that really so wrong?


“Being a slut and being friendly aren’t the same thing, but it’s kind of telling that it’s impossible to be one without the other.”

Image result for slutty girls

People throw the word “slut” around more liberally than ketchup at a hot dog stand. To some people, a slut is someone who will fuck anyone who looks at them cross-eyed. For others, a slut is someone who shows any desire to wear a mini-skirt out in public. It’s a broad, irrational spectrum.

However you define a slut, they do need one particular trait to fit the label. They need to be friendly, open, and affectionate. These are all positive traits that we associate with fun, happy people. The fact that a slut can’t be a slut without these traits, to some extent, says a lot about the mixed feelings we have about sluts.


“Horny men have shaped the course of history because religion, government, and civilization dedicates a significant amount of resources protecting and/or regulating how they interact with women.”

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It’s a poorly kept secret. Throughout history, there have been a lot of horny men, some more ambitious than others. Many societies realize, often the hard way, that a society full of horny men is not a stable one. If you don’t give men an outlet for their horniness, then they’re going to go a little nuts.

It may not paint men in too noble a light, but it doesn’t negate the implications. Horny men have shaped the course of history in terms of culture, religion, and government. You might not be proud of it, but how many other forces can claim that kind of influence?


“From a biological perspective, most forms of dancing are just an elaborate way of tricking the body into thinking it’s having some kind of sex or is about to have sex.”

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Absent significant alcohol intake, I’m not much of a dancer. I do get the appeal, though. It’s a fun, energetic, liberating feeling that takes people into a different state of mind. In that sense, the similarities to sex are uncanny. It’s enough to make you wonder whether our bodies know the difference between dancing and sex. Based on the merits of “twerking,” I think it has a right to be confused.


I’ll say it one more time because I remember how great it felt back in the day. School’s out and summer vacation is here! To all the kids out there, enjoy it while you can’t. To all the parents who have to deal with those kids, let them enjoy it. It’ll give them something nice to look back on when they start paying taxes and working for a living.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Wonder Woman Edition

Image result for Wonder Woman movie

This past weekend was a momentous occasion for women, female superheroes, and anyone who just likes seeing women kick ass in sexy outfits. After way too long a wait, “Wonder Woman” finally came out in theaters. Between its Rotten Tomatoes score and box office predictions, the wait was worth it. Sure, it won’t make everyone forget about “Catwoman,” but it’ll definitely help.

As a long-time comic book fan who has a special appreciation for Wonder Woman, including her BDSM history, I couldn’t be more excited about this movie. Gal Gadot has done Lynda Carter proud. She has proven that she is worthy of wielding the heart, spirit, and sex appeal of Wonder Woman. It bodes well for the future of female superhero movies and superhero movies in general.

Granted, we’re still a long way from getting a Starfire movie, but I’m willing to be patient. I understand that certain concepts need to use a one-step-at-a-time approach. By every measure, “Wonder Woman” is a huge step in the best possible direction.

As such, I’m proud to dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the most iconic female superhero (with secret BDSM undertones) of all time. To Gal Gadot, Patty Jenkins, and all those who helped make “Wonder Woman” possible, this is for you.


“No relationship has ever failed because of too many mutual orgasms.”

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There are a lot of things that go into a successful relationship. It is possible for some relationships to succeed without sex being a major part of it. I don’t deny that does happen. However, I’ve yet to come across an instance where a relationship faltered because of too many mutual orgasms. I’m not saying it’s a requirement. I’m just saying it’s an obvious indicator.


“Alcohol may not enhance sex, but it gives us a convenient excuse for the awkward morning after.”

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Contrary to popular belief, alcohol does not enhance sex. It just lowers inhibitions, which in turn may make people more willing to do things they wouldn’t do in a sober state of mind. However, being willing to do something and actually being able to do it are two different things.

That said, alcohol does provide a convenient, wholly understandable excuse for those awkward mornings when you wake up next to someone and don’t remember how you got there. I’ve made a big deal of excuses in the past. When it comes to those awkward moments, you can never have too many.


“Is it possible that a part of the reason we love babies because they remind us of the joy that went into making them?”

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I love babies as much as the next guy. I think they’re adorable. I don’t deny that we’re biologically wired to find babies adorable. However, a part of me can’t help but wonder if that cuteness has other roots. Making babies, ideally, is a fun, joyous process. If babies remind us of how enjoyable it was, how could we not find them cute?


“Does having sex while you’re hungry have the same effect as shopping while you’re horny?”

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I’ve noticed that I have some odd personal buying habits when I’m horny. I don’t know why, but I tend to buy a lot more fruit and chocolate when I’m trying to hide a boner in the grocery store. It’s enough to make me wonder if there’s a similar effect for those who have sex when they’re hungry. Does the dirty talk involve a steak dinner? It’s just something to think about.


“Internet porn has given an entire generation of teenagers a false impression of what it’s like to be a pool boy.”

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Like it or not, internet porn is everywhere. It is also, by definition, a fantasy that isn’t meant to be real. Like watching Superman punch Lex Luthor into the sun, it’s meant to entertain as well as titillate. Healthy, functioning adults understand this. Hormonal, impressionable teenagers, however, might take a while to figure it out.

It’s enough to make me worry that too many teenage boys will aspire to be pool boys, not knowing that they don’t get laid nearly as often as internet porn would have them believe. At the very least, we should guide them towards professions like fire fighters, who actually do have a certain level of sex appeal with the ladies.


“When you think about it, shaking your ass isn’t that different from a pop-up ad.”

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I love the sight of a sexy ass as much as the next heterosexual male. It’s one of the most visually appealing parts of the human body for men and women. It has a legitimate function, both in and out of the bedroom.

I just don’t quite get the appeal of entire dance moves that revolve around shaking your ass. It’s one of those body parts that doesn’t need that kind of advertisement. Shaking it too much is akin to shoving something in your face that you already know is great. Pop-up adds do the same thing. At least shaking your ass won’t crash your internet browser.


“Morning wood would be much more useful to men if it also made their dicks smell like fresh coffee.”

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This is something that often frustrates me, as a man. I’ve woken up with more than my share of morning wood. It’s hard to deal with sometimes in the sense that the crack of dawn isn’t always the best time to set the mood. I can’t think of too many women or gay men who describe themselves as morning people.

As such, I believe morning wood would be so much more useful if it somehow make our genitals smell like coffee. Think about it. The scent of freshly-brewed coffee is one of the most appealing scents anyone can smell in the morning. Associate that with your penis and suddenly, it’s going to be a lot more appealing in the morning.

 


It’s a wonderful time to be a fan of sexy female superheroes. It’s also a wonderful time to enjoy sexy thoughts as many in my part of the world settle in for the summer heat. It’s a time of bikinis, short shorts, and Wonder Woman. I honestly can’t think of any way to make that any better that doesn’t break any local indecency laws.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Memorial Day 2017 Edition

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This weekend marks a bittersweet, but important holiday to all those who love and sacrifice for their country. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. It’s a time when we all take a moment to appreciate the men and women who serve in our armed forces. For some, it’s a solemn reminder of those we’ve lost. For others, it’s a time to celebrate what we’ve preserved.

It’s no small thing to serve your country. We live in a dangerous, chaotic world and I’m not just talking about snakes swimming up through toilet bowls. While the world, as we know it, has gotten better over the past century, there’s still danger out there. It still takes guts, heart, and spirit to put on a uniform and put your life on the line for a country that doesn’t always appreciate it.

Having had many of my own family members serve in the armed forces, Memorial Day has a special place for me. I’m sure many other families feel the same way and share the same sentiment. So on behalf of my family and all those who enjoy the freedom of having a blog that talks regularly about sex robots, I give my praise and thanks all those who served.

There’s only so much an aspiring erotica/romance writer can do to thank the brave soldiers who served their country so honorably. At the very least, I can dedicate this entry of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to them and hope a little crude humor helps honor the freedom they fought for.


“Male nipples are only as useless as their willingness to experiment with them.”

Biologically speaking, male nipples are useless. They serve no major bodily function for men. They’re just holdovers from our development process in the womb. Most men go their whole lives without really doing much with their nipples.

That said, the absence of a biological function doesn’t mean nipples can’t have a function at all. It just takes a little imagination. I’m not just talking about using nipples during sexy time, which is a thing men can do if they so dare. I’m just saying a little imagination and exploration wouldn’t hurt for this often-neglected body part.


“Since we protest, kiss, and lick with our mouths, does that mean oral sex is a form of free speech?”

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The mouth is a beautiful thing with underrated, yet vital sex appeal. The way we use our mouths to convey ideas is what helps build nations, cultures, and monuments. In the modern era, the speech we create with our mouths is considered an important right for those living in free societies. As such, doesn’t it logically follow that free speech and oral sex aren’t mutually exclusive? I’m just putting that idea out there.


“Acne, arrogance, and stupidity are nature’s way of ensuring horny teenagers don’t have too much sex.”

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Being a teenager sucks. Between school, hormones, and awkward boners, it’s a tough time that we all have to endure. It doesn’t help that teenagers are exceedingly horny. Put any group of teenagers in a confined space for a certain amount of time and they’ll find a find a weird way to express their horniness.

In that sense, I think the acne, immaturity, and stupidity that comes with being a teenager is nature’s way of balancing things out. Who really needs abstinence only education other than guilt-seeking Catholics anyway? The acne, body odor, and impaired brain function are enough to keep most youth in their pants.


“Is hooking up with a friend’s ex the romantic equivalent of insider trading?”

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For the most part, hooking up with a friend’s ex-lover that you’ve come to know is considered a dick move. Insider trading, which is akin to cheating on a horse race by placing a bet after it’s over, is also a dick move. Both involve using inside knowledge that others don’t have to get something you want. I’m not saying they’re the same. I’m just saying the similarities are uncanny.


“No drug can be considered a wonder drug if it causes sexual dysfunction.”

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Every year, there’s some new wonder drug that hits the market. The drug seems to do everything. It alleviates pain, cures a headache, or makes you confident enough to tell your boss to piss off. These drugs are hailed as miracles of science and cash cows to pharmaceutical companies.

However, it doesn’t matter if a drug cures cancer, makes you skinny, and gives you perfect bowl movements. If it causes sexual dysfunction of any kind for men or women, it can’t be a wonder drug. What’s the point of being so healthy when it leaves you so lonely on the weekends?


“When you think about it, prostitutes and plumbers have eerily similar jobs.”

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There are a lot of jobs you can compare to prostitution. Some of them are more of a stretch than others. I would argue that it’s not too much of a stretch for a politician, but more of one for a professional athlete. With plumbers, though, I don’t think you need much imagination and I’m not just talking about exposed butt cracks.

Think about it. We pay plumbers to fix or help us use equipment that handles a basic biological function. They often charge a lot for their services and they’re often exposed to some of our most private activities. It may not be as sexy as a nurse or a mechanic, but the parallels are there.


“A birthday, in a literal sense, is also as a celebration that two people got laid.”

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I love celebrating birthdays. Who doesn’t? Surviving a year on this crazy planet is a big deal. Let’s not overlook the secondary implications though. The only reason we have a birthday to begin with is because two people got laid and the product of that beautiful activity created us. I say that’s worth a second celebration.


“At some point, a relationship therapist is bound to become a sex coach.”

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I believe therapy is a good thing for those who need it. There are people in this world who need professional help to deal with certain issues, be they psychological or emotional. For relationship therapists, though, I think there’s a certain inevitability to the process.

If people are going to talk about relationships, then most of the time, they’re going to talk about their sex lives. If there are issues in a relationship, then chances are their sex lives are impacted. Fixing that relationship sometimes means fixing their sex life. What else is someone who aids in another’s sex life if not a sex coach? I think if that were an official title, a lot more people would study mental health.


Once again, to all those brave men and women in uniform, happy Memorial Day! Thank you for your service and sacrifice. It’s through your dedication that we live in a country where a guy like me can sell sexy romance novels. For that, veterans of every generation will always have a uniquely special appeal, sexy and otherwise.

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