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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Gift Wrapping Edition

This may make me a bit of an anomaly among straight men, but I love shopping, especially around the holidays. In fact, it’s one of my favorite parts of the holidays. It’s right up there with whiskey-laced eggnog and beautiful women dressed in sexy elf costumes.

I don’t care if that makes me weird. Compared to other traits that have made me stand out, this one doesn’t bother me in the slightest. If anything, I celebrate my love of shopping around the holidays. I’m the kind of guy who proudly wears his ugliest Christmas sweater to the mall and smiles at anyone who looks at me strangely. My holiday spirit is just that strong.

It’s because of that holiday spirit that I’m often the first among my friends and family to finish his Christmas shopping. Most of the time, I’m done before the first day of December. This year is no exception. As I type this, I’m proud to say that I’m officially done and all my presents are wrapped. If that makes me even weirder in the eyes of the world, so be it.

I make no apologies for my love of the holidays and my fondness for getting my Christmas shopping done early. That’s not to disparage those who procrastinate, buying and wrapping their gifts on Christmas Eve. This is just how I’m wired during the holidays.

Regardless of how you go about shopping or gift wrapping, this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts is dedicated to that spirit that drives us to shop in the name of the holidays. Whether you love it or enjoy dry humping Ebeneezer Scrooge, I hope this boosts that spirit in some meaningful way.


“Historically speaking, oral sex is the only universally accepted currency.” 


“The fact that men can sense on a biological level when a woman is menstruating is inherently more impressive than women noticing a man’s awkward boner.”


“Sex is supposed to bring a couple closer together, marriage is supposed to make it legally binding, and divorce is the penalty for not reading the fine print.”


“When you think about it, a multi-orgasmic woman is the perfect embodiment of persistence.”


“Having sex with an ex-lover is kind of like confronting an old bully, but with more rug burns.”


“Making love and rough sex aren’t mutually exclusive, but one is an inherently greater risk to bedroom furniture.”


“Boner pills and lube are like cheat codes in that they will cause the game to crash when utilized to excess.”


To those who will likely wait until the last moment to finish your Christmas shopping and wrap your presents, I hope this encourages you to be a bit more proactive for the holidays this year, among other things. To those like me who have already finished and are just enjoying the glut of Christmas specials on TV, I hope this makes the eggnog taste that much sweeter.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Summer Solstice Edition

Personally, I love this time of year. The days are long, the nights are cool, and the pants are optional, if not outright discouraged. Summer is a great time for all things sexy and I’m not just talking about its greater potential for nudity. I’ve often found that I do better work when I’m sweating rather than shivering. As a man, I think that’s healthier and not just for my balls.

While summer might never be as special to me as it is to all the school children who love not having to spent half their day at a glorified test-preparation prison, it’s still a great time of year. I find myself more relaxed, more upbeat, and more able to craft sexy stories. Again, I’m not sure if that’s because of the greater opportunities for nudity, but I’m not ruling it out.

These are still the early days of summer. We haven’t yet gotten sick of sweating our asses off every time we walk outside for more than two minutes. That will happen eventually. For some, it happens faster than others. I imagine those people are skiers. For me, though, I’m ready and eager to sweat this summer.

With that image and smell in mind, I dedicate this week’s entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the long, hot days that school children and nudists alike love. Those are two categories of people that usually don’t agree on much, nor can they for legal reasons. In this case, though, an exception is totally warranted.


“Nothing becomes a fetish until it becomes the an effective way to get an orgasm.”

I don’t claim to know everything about every fetish. I also don’t claim that I’ve no kinky proclivities of my own. Anyone who has read my novels probably suspects I have some unique, but fairly standard tastes. I have a feeling those tastes will evolve as I write more novels and get more of them published.

That said, I don’t doubt the power of some peoples’ fetishes. I also don’t doubt there’s a point where it becomes more than just a kinky interest. As soon as that interest manifests in orgasmic ways, we can be fairly certain that a fetish has been born. It can be beautiful, disturbing, and messy all at the same time.


“Those who are the most sexually uptight probably have the most disturbing masturbation habits.”

There’s no getting around it. Sexual repression has some pretty damaging effects on people. You can only repress your biological urges so much before they start screwing with your brain. For those who are really dedicated to their repression, I shudder to think about how they deal with it in their private moments. It probably makes for some disturbing and messy moments that are best left private.


“Whenever you shake someone’s hand, there’s a 50/50 chance that you’re touching the same hand they masturbate with.” 

This is something that has always struck me about handshakes. Whether you’re a man or a woman, chances are the person you shake hands with masturbates regularly. Chances are they either use their hand or have used it at some point. That means you’ve got a 50/50 shot at touching the hand they use to touch themselves. Remember that next time you greet someone.


“A man’s willingness to love a woman is directly proportional to his willingness to humiliate himself.”

It’s an inescapable reality and a scientific fact. Men are more prone to take idiotic risks and do idiotic things for idiotic reasons. I’ve talked about the dangers of idiots before, but I’ll always have some sympathy for men who take stupid risks in the name of love. Some risks are just inherently worth it.

That’s not to say there aren’t lines that shouldn’t be crossed. It’s just striking sometimes how willing some men are to walk those lines and not even check to see if their shoes are tied. Again though, for the sake of love, I’d argue it’s worth it.


“If actions speak louder than words, then foreplay is a goddamn rock concert.”

Even though I operate primarily in a world of words with my novels, I strongly believe in the power of actions. I don’t deny that they send more messages than ten novels, a digital map, and blood hound. When it comes to certain actions, though, they can speak even louder. That’s where foreplay comes in.

It’s an important lesson espoused by the X-men, no less. It sends a powerful message that’s as loud as any rock concert or stadium. It conveys love, lust, affection, pleasure, joy, and everything else associated with rainbows and unicorns. In terms of action, foreplay might as well be a sonic boom, an explosion, and a shockwave all rolled into one.


“A person is only as kinky as their browser history.” 

You can learn a lot about a person just by talking to them, holding them, and having sex with them. Even if that person is open and honest, chances are they’ll reveal plenty about themselves, if not more than you ask.

That said, you can’t say you truly know a person’s most intimate proclivities until you’ve seen their browser history. It’s only after seeing what kind of porn, erotica, and blogs they’ve been reading that you know just what kind of person you’re dealing with. If that person happens to have this blog in their history, then all I can say is you’re welcome.


“The fact that people with satisfying sex live longer is proof that horniness is more powerful than death.”

While we’re not entirely sure of the mechanisms, it’s fairly clear that people who have great sex lives tend to live longer. Hell, if nothing else, a great sex life makes you want to live longer. That alone should count for something.

There are probably many factors involved in how great sex effects longevity. I’m sure there are all sorts of scientific, biological, and physiological forces in play. Since I’m not smart enough to understand any of that, I’m just going to assume that the human capacity for horniness is stronger than death.


If you haven’t taken the opportunity to bask in the summer heat, sweat a little, and get naked for a while, I strongly encourage it. Summer is one of those seasons that goes by fast. You don’t realize how much you’ll miss it until you start having to dress in layers again. Enjoy it while it lasts and be extra sexy in the process. You’ll be glad you did by the time snow starts falling again.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Poolside Edition

It’s summer time and you know what that means. The days are hot, the beaches are open, and the bikinis are out in force. It’s a beautiful time of year, especially for those like myself who appreciate nudity and various excuses for nudity. It’s not always full-nudity, but we’ll take what we can get. After being cooped up all winter, it’s hard to be that petty.

I’m already enjoying the feeling I get when I walk around the house naked. Even just wearing a pair of boxers feels extra special on some levels. Sure, the heat means more sweat, more humidity, and more body odor. However, if handled correctly, it just makes me feel that much sexier.

This time of year marks the first juicy bite of the savory steak that is summer. Some of us are still getting used to the idea that we don’t need to bring a sweatshirt with us wherever we go, just in case it gets cold. This is the time of year where you can get away with under-dressing. Sure, you have to be mindful of your local indecency laws, but it beats the hell out of wearing layers every day.

I am so ready to embrace summer that I’m sweating sunscreen. I’m sure many others tired of long underwear, heavy coats, and no bikinis are just as eager. For that reason, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the arrival of summer and all the sexiness it brings.


“Necessity may be the mother of invention, but horniness is its first cousin.”

Related image

I don’t deny the influence of need, profit, curiosity, and laziness in the process of invention. I’m sure those factors were behind a great many advances, be they the light bulb or spray cheese in a can. I’m just saying that horniness is one of those understated influences. What else explains the creation of vibrators and bacon flavored lube?


“When you think about it, a bar of soap is the most intimate, non-sexual item that we own.”

There are all sorts of household items that we use in intimate ways. Be they vibrators, bottles of hand lotion, or socks, we have a uniquely close attachment to these products. Not all of it is sexual, though. Sometimes, a product is intimate just because it regularly touches our genitals.

In that sense, a bar of soap is the most intimate product we own. That bar of soap doesn’t just touch our genitals. It touches almost every inch of our naked bodies. It makes our skin feel clean and smooth. I could go on, but I’d rather not think such lurid thoughts when I’m around a bar of soap. I need to save those lurid thoughts for my novels.


“For rock stars and celebrities, groupies are like candy and every day is Halloween.”

Image result for rock star groupies

Rock stars having sex with legions of beautiful women is nothing new, but it does offer a uniquely sexy narrative. Most men go their whole lives spending countless time and energy just trying to get one woman to have sex with them. Rock stars have the opposite problem. It’s like picking a flavor of ice cream for them. The only problem is having enough of an appetite.


“If a house has a woman living in it and a shower with a detachable shower head, it’s generally safe to assume that shower head has been used for masturbation at one point.”

I think most people understand that when they enter a man’s house and see a bottle of lotion, they assume that lotion has been used for masturbation or something sexual. Not as many people understand the appeal of a detachable shower head with women.

It’s not just one of a billion crude jokes from an episode of “Two Broke Girls.” Women get horny too. This is a scientific fact that too many people deny. They don’t always use the same tools as men. I’m not saying vibrators and dildos don’t have their place, but I think a shower head is an underrated piece of sexual hardware.


“Going to a strip club and window shopping are disturbingly similar experiences for some people.”

I love strip clubs as much as the next man. Since I’ve been of legal age, I’ve been to more than my share. I’m a healthy young man. I enjoy looking at beautiful women getting naked on stage, dancing to music. I’m not going to apologize for that. It’s a spectacle and we humans love spectacles.

For some people, though, strip clubs and shopping are a bit too intertwined. I’ve seen men at strip clubs look at women the same way they look at a new Ferrari. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying that some men blur the line more than others.


“Variety is the spice of life, but we’re expected to forget that on our wedding day.”

We’re all told that variety and novelty are good things. We should seek new experiences and enjoy the variety of wonders that life has to offer. Most people agree with that. It may very well have helped us thrive as a species. There are even parts of it that are hardwired into our genetics.

For that very reason, it’s somewhat telling that we expect people to turn all that off on their wedding day. When you get married, you’re supposed to stop seeking novelty, settle down, and become a responsible, tax-paying family that will birth the next generation of tax-paying workers. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high?


“There’s no right way to make love, but there are too many wrong ways, some of which leave awkward scars.”

Being an erotica/romance writer, part of the fun is finding all sorts of wonderfully sexy ways to have couples make love. It pushes both your imagination and libido in all the right ways. So long as the love is genuine, lovemaking can take many forms.

Conversely, it can also fail spectacularly in ways that don’t make it into erotica/romance novels. It doesn’t take much to ruin the moment or kill the mood. Whether it’s an ill-timed spank or irresponsible dirty talk, it can really undermine a romance. It can also leave scars, emotionally and physically. It’s debatable which of the two are more embarrassing, though.


That’s it for now. Until next Sunday, get out there and enjoy the summer heat. Hang out by the pool, take in the sight of bikinis, and appreciate nature’s most clothing-optional season. Whether you’re working on a tan or reading a sexy novel, there’s a lot to enjoy. Just stay cool and stay sexy while doing it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The Romantic Cabin Edition

It’s a tough week for a lot of men out there. This is the first weekend where we have no football to watch. For many, it’s the most agonizing time of the year. Christmas is over. Football is ending. This particular weekend basically begins the long, arduous wait until these things we love return.

In these dark times, it’s important that we support each other. It’s just as important that we turn to our lovers in our time of need. We should not run from their love, nor should we wallow in lonely despair. It’s already colder than a penguins ass outside. This is as good a time as any to cuddle up, embrace those we love, and console ourselves, at least until the NFL Draft.

As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can only do so much. I probably haven’t helped by talking about such heavy topics as evil, villains, and Lawrence Phillips. Well, today is different.

Today, I’m bringing this sad, lonely world that now lacks Christmas decorations and football games another round of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” They won’t bring football or Christmas back any sooner, but I hope it offers some comfort, as well as a few dirty laughs. If it can also get you and your lover in the mood, then that’s just a nice bonus for everybody. Enjoy!


The male douche-bags of the world affect a lot of people, but the women who willingly have sex with douche-bags ensure that effect spreads across generations. So who is worse?

We all hate douche-bags. We all want to punch the rich kids of Instagram in the jaw. If there’s any force powerful enough to counter their shit, it’s the beautiful women they try to sleep with. Beautiful women are their kryptonite. So ladies, especially those with big tits, the power is in your hands. Fight the power of douche-bags. Don’t sleep with them anymore. You’ll change the world for the better.

Those who claim they favor quality over quantity must be inherently conflicted when it comes to orgasms.

Quality over quantity works in so many things. In many instances, it’s the hardest option available, but it’s the one most worth doing. When it comes to orgasms though, the whole quality vs. quantity debate takes on a whole new dimension. I don’t think men or women are equipped to make sense of it. Never-the-less, even if you try and fail, you never really lose in the long run.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. Teach a man to give good oral sex and he’ll never be alone for the duration of that lifetime.

There are some skills that are just gifts. I’m sure the Ron Jeremys of the world are aware of theirs. Some, however, can be learned. Oral sex is one of them. That is a skill that can bring people together in ways that transcend race, talent, and status. It is also a skill that can be learned. Learning that skill may not make you a saint, but it’ll make you a lot of close, loyal friends.

If sex has a smell and that smell comes out through sweat, then saunas must really confuse our noses and our genitals.

I’ve been in a sauna before. I’ve smelled sweaty naked bodies before, male and female. I’m not going to lie. My nose and my genitals don’t always agree. It’s not a conflict I’m equipped to deal with. It has no winners. So long as I have extra towels or a really lose bathing suit, I can manage it.

A young, attractive man whose poor still doesn’t have an advantage over an old, ugly man who is rich.

I’ve made this point before. I’ll keep making it because it needs to be belabored. There is no such thing as an unsexy rich man. Even if you have the body of a young Brad Pitt and the eyes of Ryan Gosling, being dirt poor ensures your options in ladies are peanuts compared to those of old, rich, ugly guys.

A lot of money goes a long ways towards moistening the loins of certain women. I concede that not all women are this way, but the population of those who are is probably much higher than we care to admit.

If men could really think with their dicks, then would getting a blowjob count as a mental exercise?

A penis can’t think. If it did, I’d have gotten straight-As through high school and college with ease. Men and women alike often claim we mistake our dicks for our brains. The erotica/romance writer in me likes to contemplate crazy sexy scenarios about what would happen if we could somehow bridge that gap. How much smarter would men be if blowjobs improved our thinking skills? It sure as hell would make school more fun.

If sex were a video game, the clitoris would be a cheat code that too many men are reluctant to use.

So long as I’m talking about dicks, I might as well be fair to the body parts of women as well. A dick is hard to hide. Any teenage boy with a boner during gym class knows that. A clitoris is a bit more subtle. However, once you know how to work it, this wondrous creation of nature is a shortcut to a woman’s ecstasy.

The sad part is that too many men either refuse to take this shortcut or don’t even know it’s there. It’s a frustrating problem, but a fixable one. I hope my contributions as an erotica/romance writer can help.

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