Tag Archives: crude humor

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Sunburn Recovery Edition

When I wrote my regular entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts last week, I did so while watching the sun rise over the beach. As soon as I was finished, I put on my swim trunks, lathered up with enough sunscreen for a trip to Venus, and spent the rest of the day at the beach. It was as fun and sexy as it sounds.

That was last week, though. This week is a bit different. By that, I mean I’m not looking at the sun rising over the beach in a pristine display of nature’s beauty. I’m back home, hunched over a desk, and stuck looking at overly sexy bikini ads as the closest I’ll get to seeing real bikinis until next summer.

On top of that, I’m dealing with a nasty sunburn. Yes, I know I just said I lathered up with enough sunscreen to make me smell like a coconut factory. No, it didn’t work completely. Sure, I managed to avoid getting the more sensitive parts of my body burned. I’ll let you use your sexy imagination to see what I mean. Some parts, however, did not escape the sun’s wrath.

For the past few days, I’ve been treating those burns with whatever remedy I can find at a drug store. It can only do so much, though. In my experience, a little sexy musings help aid in the process. So with that in mind, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those recovering from sun burn. Hang in there, folks. The sun can burn your skin, but it cannot snuff your sexiness.


“As the prevalence of self-driving cars increases, so too will the number of children conceived in them.”


“It’s easy to confuse true love and great sex, but even easier to not give a damn on most days.”


“The sound women make when they orgasm is akin music whereas the sound men make is akin to getting a tooth pulled.”


“The association between cigarettes and sex is hypocritical when you consider that nobody finds coughing that very sexy.”


“When you think about it, there aren’t a whole lot of steps between being a hugger and being a slut.”


“Having too many horny men in a particular area is likely to result in crimes, but having too many women is likely to result in a party.”


“The popularity of sex toys has given men too many reasons to be suspicious of anything a woman owns that vibrates.”


I hope those sexy thoughts aid in the healing process for whatever sunburns anyone incurred by laying out by the pool, lounging on the beach, or just generally doing something outside that allowed them to omit some clothing. I know it burns. I know it doesn’t look that sexy. That said, I’d still say it was worth it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Vacation Edition

What’s the best way to make a vacation sexier? That’s a trick question. Just being on vacation, especially one that allows you to spend less time paying bills and more time naked, is inherently sexy. When clothing, work, and so much else is optional, you’re bound to feel more energy, especially the sexy kind.

I know this because, as I type these sexy words, I’m looking out at a beautiful beach. That’s right. I’m on vacation. I’m literally sitting on a balcony from a hotel, watching the sun rise over the ocean. It’s as relaxing as it sounds and then some.

For the next several days, my sole concern involves lounging on the beach, hanging out at beach bars, and admiring beautiful women in bikinis. I have every intention of enjoying it to the utmost. It might very well be my last vacation of the summer before changes in weather makes extended periods of nudity more difficult.

Vacation or not, my mind never stops thinking sexy things. If anything, being at a beach in the hottest days of summer only makes those thoughts sexier. As such, I’ll try to incorporate every last bit of that sexiness into this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” Enjoy!


“If variety truly is the spice of life, then a man’s porn collection is the perfect embodiment of that concept.”


“When you think about it, a female version of James Bond is a stereotypical porn star.”


“Getting sex advice from your parents is like getting vegan recipes from a cannibal.”


“There are very few ways to ruin a blowjob, but a great many ways to screw up the process of requesting one.”


“It’s usually a bad sign when your lover says they want great sex, but isn’t too eager to practice.”


“If the key to a man’s heart was really through his stomach, then wouldn’t the sexiest women in the world all be professional chefs?”


“The average orgasm for a man lasts 7 seconds. The average orgasm for a woman lasts 20. THAT’S why there will never be true gender equality.”


“When you think about it, a fetish is just a type of sex with a really passionate fanbase.”


Even if you’re stuck working, I hope these lurid musings help tide you over until your next vacation, whenever it may be. I know it’s not the same as a tropical getaway, but sometimes you got to take what you can get. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a beautiful beach to enjoy and some beautiful women in bikinis to admire.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Melting Ice Cream Edition

There are many ways to deal with the heat during the hottest days of summer. Unlike the dead of winter, there’s only so much clothing you can physically and legally take off. While I still prefer the kind of weather that accommodates bikinis more than heavy coats, I don’t deny that staying cool can be a challenge.

Even for those who are lucky enough to have an air conditioner that doesn’t crap out at least twice a year will often find themselves in a situation where they’ll have to beat the heat. Between wearing less clothing and shoving ice down your pants, there are plenty of methods and I’m sure everyone has their own trick.

One method, in particular, is quite effective in the best possible way. It doesn’t require ice in your pants or any major threats to your sperm count. It just involves eating ice cream. For once, I don’t think I need to make an elaborate argument utilizing caveman logic or excuse banking. I think anyone who has had any amount of experience with ice cream understands why it’s the most delicious way to stay cool during a heat wave.

As such, I’ll skip the part where I go on a long, elaborate rant about why ice cream is right up there with boobs, comic books, and orgasms. Instead, I’ll just give everyone a second to get whatever flavor of ice cream they have in their freezer so they can stay cool while reading this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts.


“If a man goes down on his lover regularly, they can never claim that he doesn’t put in the effort.”


“Having a big dick won’t always get a man laid, but it will start the conversation.”


“The closer a tattoo is to one’s genitalia, the more willing that person is to do something crazy/kinky with said genitalia.”


“Men learn about female anatomy from rap music, sex from porn, and romance from bad movies, yet women still wonder why they’re so immature.” 


“The fact that women love confidence, but hate douche-bags sends all sorts of mixed messages.”


“There’s a distressingly high probably that a future war will begin because someone’s efforts to get laid go horribly wrong.”


“At some point in a relationship, buying a gift for a lover is akin to a tax increase on sex.”


I hope this help cool everyone off and/or makes them horny for ice cream. Either is fine and just as enjoyable. These are usually the hottest days of the summer. I’m not saying the desire for ice cream is directly linked to the horniness. I’m just saying it’s an underrated combination.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The Heat Wave Edition

I usually avoid talking about the weather because, more often than not, it’s the topic of last resort. However, sometimes it’s worth talking about. It wasn’t that long ago when I was snowed in for a couple days. Now, it’s hotter than a camel’s nut sack and there are only so many clothes I can legally take off.

As I type these words, everywhere within a 100-mile radius of my home is in the middle of a heat wave. I’m pretty sure I could fry an egg and cook bacon on the hood of a car. At this point in the summer, most people should be used to this kind of heat. There’s just no adjusting to the feeling of walking into an oven, just to get the damn mail.

That said, I still prefer sweating my ass off, as opposed to freezing my balls off. I like not having to dress in layers every time I go outside so I won’t complain about the heat too much. If nothing else, the heat allows me to be naked more often and that can only help the progress on my sexy novels.

Wherever you may be this summer, I hope you have a way to stay cool while still staying sexy. It is possible to strike a balance. I hope this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” can help in that effort.


“I shudder when I imagine what was going through the mind of the person who invented the butt plug.”


“We’re rapidly approaching a place in our culture where liking a sexy picture of someone counts as foreplay.”


“Women don’t know the power of oral sex until they ask a favor of a man who just received it.”


“The desire to have sex in the backseat of a car often involves overestimating one’s flexibility.”


“Seeking advice from a celibate priest on your sex life is like asking a cow for advice on cooking steaks.”

“If our genitals had lawyers, then divorce proceedings would be a lot more complicated, but way sexier.”


“If a woman offers a man oral sex before a kiss, then people think she’s a prostitute. If a man offers a woman oral sex before a kiss, then people think he’s just being extra considerate.”


As we endure more heat waves, I encourage everyone to stay cool in any way, except in their pants. Some parts of your body are worth keeping warm, no matter the season. Heat waves may come in go. Certain kinds of heat will find a way to keep burning. Trust me. You’ll take comfort in that once the winter rolls in.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Tropical Edition

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If you’re reading this on a tablet computer while sitting on a beach or by a pool, then congratulations. You’re winning summer. Yes, it is possible to win at summer. It’s not that hard either, although some people still find a way to lose. A lot of those people tend to lose every other season as well so it’s not that much of a stretch.

I get it, though. Sometimes on a hot summer day, it’s tempting to just want to stay inside where the need for sunscreen is low and the air conditioner keeps you from sweating. I’ve given into that temptation plenty of times, especially in my youth when I didn’t care much for staying in shape. I’ve since learned the value of going out into the heat, sweating a little, and soaking in the summer.

I’ve often told friends and family that if I ever make enough money with my novels, then I’ll retire to a tropical climate where I have a chance to see beautiful women in bikinis all year round. However, until I reach that goal, I’ll have to settle for summer. It’s not the same as a tropical paradise, but I’ll gladly take it.

For this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I’d like to dedicate this small contribution of sex appeal to all those tropical beaches where the champions of summer dwell. I hope to join those ranks one day. Until then, here are some lurid thoughts that should keep the heat flowing, no matter the season.


“Misshapen breasts on a woman aren’t nearly as detrimental as a misshapen penis on a man. How is that fair?”


“Waiting until your wedding night to have sex is like waiting until you’re in the NBA to shoot your first free throw.”


“The presence of a genital piercing may or may not be correlated with significant boredom in their past sex life.”


“Technically speaking, the ultimate form of thrill sex is doing it in a police station that’s on fire.”


“Sex and desert are the only two occasions in which it’s socially acceptable to drool.”


“Your average stress levels are directly related to how concerned you are about someone seeing your browser history.”


“Sex is one of the few activities where being overly prepared can end up being counterproductive.”


Once again, if you can spend any part of the next few weeks on a beach, sipping margaritas, and wearing as little clothing as legally possible, do it. That’s one of the great joys of summer. Between heat, cool drinks, and legally permissible half-nudity, what more could you want?

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: All-Star Break Edition

This time of year is great for those who enjoy hot weather, beaches, and bikinis. For sports fans, though, it’s somewhat bittersweet because there’s not a lot going on. Other than Major League Baseball, there’s not much going on. Unless you can somehow watch golf while sober and awake, you won’t find much worth watching.

I consider myself a marginal sports fan. I love football, as I’ve mentioned before, and I’ll occasionally watch hockey and basketball. However, I don’t wake up every day eager to watch two hours of SportsCenter and play fantasy leagues. I try to save most of my passion for erotica/romance, comic books, and writing sexy novels.

That said, I do have a soft spot for baseball. It has a sentimental value to me because that’s the sport I watched most with my dad growing up. On a hot summer day, few things relax me more than a cold beer and a baseball game. To me, I couldn’t be more content in that moment without a naked bikini model on my lap.

As it just so happens, this past week had the MLB annual All-Star game, which the American League won 2-1 in a thrilling game that went into extra innings. At a time of year where most sports fans are dangerously close to sports withdraw, it’s a great reprieve.

As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to baseball fans and sports fans in general. I hope it makes the All-Star break that much easier to endure. I also hope it can tide people over until the NFL season starts.


“In certain divorce proceedings, irreconcilable differences is just code for two people developing different levels of horniness.”


“Isn’t it ironic that some of the people who complain about others not thinking things through wouldn’t be alive if their parents hadn’t acted the same way?”


“Horniness plus romance equals passion. Horniness plus opportunity equals lust. Horniness plus ambition minus patience equals hilarity and/or disgust.”


“Practically speaking, a beautiful woman on a beach full of straight men has no excuse for being sunburned on her back.”


“For now, exotic accents are the closest thing we have to female Viagra.”


“No civilization has ever failed because its population was too sexually satisfied. Conversely, no civilization has ever succeeded for very long when it’s population is too sexually frustrated.”


“Internet porn has given an entire generation of people the impression that sex involves a lot more seething and hissing than it should.”


I hope that makes your next trip to the ball park a little more enjoyable. If nothing else, it’ll give you something think about other than the inflated price of a hot dog. I know sports typically appeal to men, but true sex appeal knows no gender. Whether it’s a ball park or a brothel, it unites us all.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Summer Sweat Edition

As a man who enjoys working out and all things sexy, I love to sweat. Sure, I get all smelly and sticky. Sure, I usually jump in the shower the first chance I get. That said, I love the feeling that comes with it. I love that sense that I’m pushing myself, becoming stronger and sexier. The fact that activities like sex are known to work up a sweat is the happiest of coincidences.

As a man, I feel most sexy when I’m sweating. That’s part of why I love summer so much. It gives me ample times to sweat, wear less clothing, and show off my masculine sex appeal. I know that sounds vain, but I think we all need to embrace our sexiness from time to time. It’s good for our bodies, minds, souls, and everything in between.

We’re entering the hottest parts of summer. These are the days where just going out to get the mail will work up a sweat. For a guy like me, who enjoys feeling sexy, it’s a wonderful time of year. As an erotica/romance writer, it really helps get me in the right mindset.

For this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I hope to help others get into that same sexy mindset. If it’s going to be this hot out and if we’re going to sweat that much, we might as well feel sexy while doing it.


“Patience is a virtue, except when it comes to achieving orgasm.”


“Teaching a man to fish is all well and good, but he’ll make a lot more friends by teaching him how to give good oral sex.”


“Statistically speaking, there’s a chance you’ve used a public restroom that someone has had sex in.” 


“The difference between a fling and a one-night stand is the same as the difference between a boxing match and a bar fight.”


“Men would be a lot more open to talking about their feelings if women were more open to listening while giving hand-jobs.”

 


“That idea that seeing is believing becomes much more obscure when applied to push-up bras and breast implants.”


“Men know they can’t compete with a woman’s vibrator, but take comfort in the knowledge that a vibrator has no living will or insurance plan.”


Did that cool you down in the right ways and warm you up in the sexy ways? I hope so. I enjoy exercising talents other than that of an aspiring erotica/romance writer. If I can give people something funny and sexy to enjoy on a weekly basis, then I know I’m contributing something meaningful.

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