Tag Archives: sexy comedy

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Gift Wrapping Edition

This may make me a bit of an anomaly among straight men, but I love shopping, especially around the holidays. In fact, it’s one of my favorite parts of the holidays. It’s right up there with whiskey-laced eggnog and beautiful women dressed in sexy elf costumes.

I don’t care if that makes me weird. Compared to other traits that have made me stand out, this one doesn’t bother me in the slightest. If anything, I celebrate my love of shopping around the holidays. I’m the kind of guy who proudly wears his ugliest Christmas sweater to the mall and smiles at anyone who looks at me strangely. My holiday spirit is just that strong.

It’s because of that holiday spirit that I’m often the first among my friends and family to finish his Christmas shopping. Most of the time, I’m done before the first day of December. This year is no exception. As I type this, I’m proud to say that I’m officially done and all my presents are wrapped. If that makes me even weirder in the eyes of the world, so be it.

I make no apologies for my love of the holidays and my fondness for getting my Christmas shopping done early. That’s not to disparage those who procrastinate, buying and wrapping their gifts on Christmas Eve. This is just how I’m wired during the holidays.

Regardless of how you go about shopping or gift wrapping, this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts is dedicated to that spirit that drives us to shop in the name of the holidays. Whether you love it or enjoy dry humping Ebeneezer Scrooge, I hope this boosts that spirit in some meaningful way.


“Historically speaking, oral sex is the only universally accepted currency.” 


“The fact that men can sense on a biological level when a woman is menstruating is inherently more impressive than women noticing a man’s awkward boner.”


“Sex is supposed to bring a couple closer together, marriage is supposed to make it legally binding, and divorce is the penalty for not reading the fine print.”


“When you think about it, a multi-orgasmic woman is the perfect embodiment of persistence.”


“Having sex with an ex-lover is kind of like confronting an old bully, but with more rug burns.”


“Making love and rough sex aren’t mutually exclusive, but one is an inherently greater risk to bedroom furniture.”


“Boner pills and lube are like cheat codes in that they will cause the game to crash when utilized to excess.”


To those who will likely wait until the last moment to finish your Christmas shopping and wrap your presents, I hope this encourages you to be a bit more proactive for the holidays this year, among other things. To those like me who have already finished and are just enjoying the glut of Christmas specials on TV, I hope this makes the eggnog taste that much sweeter.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Holiday Shopping Edition

By now, everyone should be done digesting their Thanksgiving dinner, as well as any leftovers. If not, those leftovers have probably gone bad and I wouldn’t advise trying to digest them at this point. That holiday is over now. It’s time to move onto the next big event. This one doesn’t just involve gut-busting food or eggnog spiced with whiskey. This one involves decorations, lights, and shopping.

That’s right. Christmas is upon us. Kids wait eagerly for this month every year. Adults wait for it too, if only to see the holiday specials they loved as kids. I admit it. I still watch those specials. I still love them. However, what I love more about this time of year is the shopping.

Yes, I’m a man. Yes, I love shopping. No, I’m not going to apologize for it. That should explain why I love Christmas more than most. Ask anyone who has known me for more than a year and they’ll tell you the same thing. I love Christmas and I love shopping for presents.

That may not be very sexy, even for an aspiring erotica/romance writer. Then again, I did write a holiday-themed sexy novel called “Holiday Heat” so I think I deserve an exception. I still stand by it, though. Shopping during the holidays is one of my favorite activities that I can’t legally do naked.

I don’t know how many feel the same, especially among my male audience. However large or small it is, I’m still dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to holiday shopping. Your wallet may hate you, but other parts of your body will thank you later.


“Who among us hasn’t accidentally dripped melted chocolate on a beautiful woman’s cleavage, just to watch her lick it up?”


“Time moves so slow watching your lover strip, frustratingly fast once they get in bed, and not slow enough when the afterglow settles in.”


“No epic romance begins with a poop joke, but many endure because of them.”


“A sexy accent is a good substitute for men too cheap to buy cologne.”


“Assuming someone is good at oral sex is as foolish as assuming a plumber is good at brain surgery.”


“True love is a man who doesn’t lose his erection when his lover accidentally farts.”


“It takes balls to get the love of your life, but it also takes a willingness to let someone else hold them an uncomfortably strong grip.”


Whether you love or hate holiday shopping, this is the time to get started. This is the time to be proactive and finish it off quickly. I made sure mine was done before the end of November. Now, I can just sit back, sip some eggnog, and enjoy Christmas specials for the rest of December. It’s a damn good feeling and I hope others get to enjoy it as well.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Leftover Turkey Edition

I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m still stuffed from my Thanksgiving meal. Even though I make a concerted effort to be healthy, I tend to throw all that health-conscious discipline out for the holidays. Between turkey, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, cheesecake, and early Christmas cookies, I think an exception is plenty warranted.

I make no bones about it. I love Thanksgiving. Sure, it’s not the sexiest holiday, if only because you spend most of it with family. It doesn’t have to be, though. When a holiday is built around food, family, and football, it has everything it needs to be special in its own right.

Even after Thanksgiving is over, it still finds a way to keep giving in the form of leftovers. When prepared right, they can make Thanksgiving meals feel even bigger. For those ditching the food coma for Black Friday shopping, you kind of need the extra calories. You’ll get plenty of that with leftover turkey sandwiches.

Since I’m still digesting large parts of my holiday dinner and enjoying a fair amount of leftovers, I’m dedicating these Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those delicious leftovers that’ll keep our holidays spirits strong until Christmas, among other things.


“What’s more disturbing? The way people use anal beads or the idea that inspired their creation?”


“The measure of a man should NOT just be measured by the company he keeps, but by the amount of lovers he can satisfy.”


“A massage is like icing. It’s not necessary to make something great, but most people prefer a generous amount of it to enhance the experience.”  


“A man does not know true conflict until he has accidentally ingested both laxatives and boner pills.”


“Premature ejaculation is God’s way of letting a man know that he’s probably better off just cuddling.”


“When you think about it, panties are like fancy wrapping paper for a man’s favorite gift.”


“A one night stand is not all that different from a trial period for a porn site.”


I hope everyone makes good use of their leftovers, if they have any. In my experience, very little gets done, sexy or otherwise, on an empty stomach. That’s what makes Thanksgiving so great. Even if being stuffed doesn’t feel very sexy, filling one important survival need goes a long way towards helping with filling other, sexier needs.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Thanksgiving Appetizer Edition

It’s almost here. Another holiday involving food is less than a week away. By now, I’m sure most have already finished up their Halloween candy and/or thrown away what kids and pets refuse to eat. Now, just as you’ve re-adjusted to not having so much sugar in your diet, you face another holiday that requires a major spike in calories.

While your waist line may hate you, your stomach says otherwise. In the same way your genitals cloud your opinion whenever you’re in the presence of your lover, the prospect of so much delicious food is sure to cloud your judgment. It’s okay, though. This is a holiday and one that we get to share with friends and family.

Personally, I love Thanksgiving. I’m lucky enough to have a family that goes all out. We get together, we watch football, we drink, we laugh, and we just have a damn good time. It’s a wonderful experience and one that brings out my holiday spirit for all the right reasons.

As I write this, I’m tempering my caloric intake in anticipation of Thanksgiving. That means I’ll be working up a hell of an appetite over the next few days. I encourage everyone to do the same. For this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I hope to stimulate that appetite, among other things.


“Making life decisions while you’re horny is like shopping on an empty stomach. Your judgment is sure to be skewed.”


“When you think about it, coffee is Viagra for our brains.”


“The line between making love and fucking defined by onset of leg cramps.”


“How we fall in love doesn’t matter as much as where, except when cemeteries are involved.”


“There’s a lot to know about sex. However, if you need more than a dictionary to know about love, then you may have issues.”


“Is having a sex doll that looks like your lover an act of cheating or an elaborate compliment?”


“If sex had homework, then would porn count as a study aid?”


I hope that helped everyone work up an appetite, among other things. Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year. It has food, family, and football. What more could you want without involving naked oil wrestling? You may argue it still doesn’t have much sex appeal. I would argue that no sex appeal ever manifested on an empty stomach.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Pumpkin Spice Edition

I have a confession to make. I worry that it may make some think less of me and for a man who often talks about sex robots and sleeping naked, that’s saying something. However, for the sake of entertaining my readers and being wholly transparent, I’ll make it anyways.

I love pumpkin spice lattes.

There, I said it. The secret is out. I, Jack Fisher, love pumpkin spice and all the seasonal delights that comes with it. Call it a quirk. Call it shameless adherence to marketing trends. I don’t care. I know it has become cool in recent years to make fun of them, but that doesn’t make them any less delicious.

It’s the middle of October. There are a lot of pumpkin-themed gimmicks going around. Sure, some of it is bland marketing, but why is that a bad thing? If it looks festive, smells good, and tastes good, why not enjoy it? I certainly do. As I write this, I have a pumpkin spice latte right in front of me and I will not apologize for it.

Whether you love them or hate them, pumpkin spice is here to help us usher in the fall. It’ll likely remain until we’re too bloated from Thanksgiving dinner to care. Until that time, though, I’ll be enjoying them as much as I can. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to all things pumpkin spice. I hope it’s equally delicious.


“The sexually repressed who love to slut shame others are the radical vegans of sex.”


“A man who goes shopping with his wife to buy something other than sexy lingerie isn’t whipped. He’s in love.”


“If women graded men’s performance during sex, then a lot more would be inclined to study in anticipation of exams and pop quizzes.”


“Celibacy isn’t the same as anorexia in that it won’t kill you, but you’ll be less inclined to care that you’re dying.”


“Sex within a successful marriage is like re-watching your favorite movie. Sex within an unsuccessful marriage is like only eating leftovers.”


“The extent of someone’s horniness is directly proportional to their willingness to use their tongue.”


“When you think about it, doing something with your lover that kills the mood is the same as doing something with your computer that causes the screen to freeze.”


While I don’t doubt I’ll keep getting crap for my love of all things pumpkin spice, I still intend to enjoy it as much as I can. Like Christmas turkey, 4th of July barbecue, or bikinis in summer, it’s a seasonal treat worth appreciating. Like finding a wad of cash in your jacket or getting an extra lap dance, who doesn’t enjoy a rare treat?

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Disaster Relief Edition

It has been a rough couple of weeks for millions of people along the Gulf Coast. First, Hurricane Harvey devastated east Texas. Then, a week later, Hurricane Irma basically delivered an uppercut to the entire state of Florida. The toll, both human and otherwise, has been devastating.

As bad as these storms have been, these sorts of disasters often bring out the best in humanity. They rarely get reported because for some reason, the media thinks we only enjoy hearing about how dire things are. They do happen though and they’re worth acknowledging.

Over the course of the next several weeks, the cleanup effort will begin. Stories of the devastation will dominate, but other stories of heroism and sacrifice will emerge. Those are the stories that should embolden us all. We may be a cynical bunch, but when the chips are down, we humans reveal just how awesome we can be.

With that in mind, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those who dare to be better in times of disaster. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from. Helping others in their time of need will always be sexy as hell.


“Considering what most people do with their hands, men should be much more eager to shake hands with women than men.” 


“What exactly did the first guy who got a boner while being spanked do to deserve it in the first place and did he keep doing it afterwards?”


“If a nymphomaniac worked as a prostitute, how would they even know they’re a nymphomaniac?”


“The true experts in stain removal are those who do a porn star’s laundry.”


“You never realize how much you care about the hair on your ass until you try to put on a thong.”


“The fact that a teenager’s brain is underdeveloped while their genitals are overdeveloped is proof that a species CAN survive on stupidity.”


“Parents who catch their kids having sex is traumatic. Kids who catch their parents having sex is traumatic. Does the fact they’re both alive because of sex make that ironic?” 


To all those who have been affected by these historic storms, continue to be strong. Your strength will make you sexy again and that sexiness will carry you through any storm. For everyone whose who seeks to aid those affected by these storms, please donate to ongoing relief efforts in Texas and Florida. Disasters are always devastating, but they bring out the best in us all.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Humidity Edition

I love summer. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear in articulating my fondness for the beach and women in bikinis. In fact, if I sell enough sexy novels, I intend to retire to a tropical climate where I can enjoy summer-like weather, beaches, and bikinis all year-round.

That said, I understand that summer isn’t without its downside. Beyond the sexy beaches and the sexy women that make them great, summer can get pretty uncomfortable, especially when you have lousy air conditioning and excessive anti-nudity laws. In many cases, it’s not the heat that causes the discomfort. It’s the humidity that comes with it.

It doesn’t just make us feel hot and sweaty. It doesn’t even make us sweat in a sexy sort of way. That’s both tragic and frustrating. Sweat without sexiness is like french fries without ketchup. It’s just bland and uninspiring.

As I write this, my hometown is in the middle of both a heat wave, coupled with excessive humidity. Just going for a walk means smelling like a gym bag in just a few minutes. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but one that’s easily countered. I’m hoping that this week’s version of Sexy Sunday Thoughts can help in that effort by adding some badly-needed sex appeal along with that sweat.


“No matter how great the sex is, sore nipples will never be as worth it as a sore vagina.”


“You know you’re in an unhealthy relationship when training a dog and training your spouse is distressingly similar.”


“Does a certified gynecologist watching hardcore porn qualify as mixing work with pleasure?”


“Certain foods will NEVER be sexy and most of those foods involve beans.”


“Is a thrill-seeker who uses condoms a hypocrite, by default?”


“Masturbation is something you don’t WANT to learn the hard way, but doing so will give you an unspoken edge.”


“Is it possible that streaking started as a way to cool off during the summer that got out of hand?”


We’ve still got a few weeks left of the sweaty, sticky, unsexy kind of heat. It won’t be long before we’re all whining about having to wear layers just to go out and get the mail. While I know the humidity and heat is not exactly comfortable for most people, that discomfort pales in comparison to frostbite and shriveled genitals.

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