Tag Archives: sex humor

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Poolside Edition

It’s summer time and you know what that means. The days are hot, the beaches are open, and the bikinis are out in force. It’s a beautiful time of year, especially for those like myself who appreciate nudity and various excuses for nudity. It’s not always full-nudity, but we’ll take what we can get. After being cooped up all winter, it’s hard to be that petty.

I’m already enjoying the feeling I get when I walk around the house naked. Even just wearing a pair of boxers feels extra special on some levels. Sure, the heat means more sweat, more humidity, and more body odor. However, if handled correctly, it just makes me feel that much sexier.

This time of year marks the first juicy bite of the savory steak that is summer. Some of us are still getting used to the idea that we don’t need to bring a sweatshirt with us wherever we go, just in case it gets cold. This is the time of year where you can get away with under-dressing. Sure, you have to be mindful of your local indecency laws, but it beats the hell out of wearing layers every day.

I am so ready to embrace summer that I’m sweating sunscreen. I’m sure many others tired of long underwear, heavy coats, and no bikinis are just as eager. For that reason, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the arrival of summer and all the sexiness it brings.

“Necessity may be the mother of invention, but horniness is its first cousin.”

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I don’t deny the influence of need, profit, curiosity, and laziness in the process of invention. I’m sure those factors were behind a great many advances, be they the light bulb or spray cheese in a can. I’m just saying that horniness is one of those understated influences. What else explains the creation of vibrators and bacon flavored lube?

“When you think about it, a bar of soap is the most intimate, non-sexual item that we own.”

There are all sorts of household items that we use in intimate ways. Be they vibrators, bottles of hand lotion, or socks, we have a uniquely close attachment to these products. Not all of it is sexual, though. Sometimes, a product is intimate just because it regularly touches our genitals.

In that sense, a bar of soap is the most intimate product we own. That bar of soap doesn’t just touch our genitals. It touches almost every inch of our naked bodies. It makes our skin feel clean and smooth. I could go on, but I’d rather not think such lurid thoughts when I’m around a bar of soap. I need to save those lurid thoughts for my novels.

“For rock stars and celebrities, groupies are like candy and every day is Halloween.”

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Rock stars having sex with legions of beautiful women is nothing new, but it does offer a uniquely sexy narrative. Most men go their whole lives spending countless time and energy just trying to get one woman to have sex with them. Rock stars have the opposite problem. It’s like picking a flavor of ice cream for them. The only problem is having enough of an appetite.

“If a house has a woman living in it and a shower with a detachable shower head, it’s generally safe to assume that shower head has been used for masturbation at one point.”

I think most people understand that when they enter a man’s house and see a bottle of lotion, they assume that lotion has been used for masturbation or something sexual. Not as many people understand the appeal of a detachable shower head with women.

It’s not just one of a billion crude jokes from an episode of “Two Broke Girls.” Women get horny too. This is a scientific fact that too many people deny. They don’t always use the same tools as men. I’m not saying vibrators and dildos don’t have their place, but I think a shower head is an underrated piece of sexual hardware.

“Going to a strip club and window shopping are disturbingly similar experiences for some people.”

I love strip clubs as much as the next man. Since I’ve been of legal age, I’ve been to more than my share. I’m a healthy young man. I enjoy looking at beautiful women getting naked on stage, dancing to music. I’m not going to apologize for that. It’s a spectacle and we humans love spectacles.

For some people, though, strip clubs and shopping are a bit too intertwined. I’ve seen men at strip clubs look at women the same way they look at a new Ferrari. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying that some men blur the line more than others.

“Variety is the spice of life, but we’re expected to forget that on our wedding day.”

We’re all told that variety and novelty are good things. We should seek new experiences and enjoy the variety of wonders that life has to offer. Most people agree with that. It may very well have helped us thrive as a species. There are even parts of it that are hardwired into our genetics.

For that very reason, it’s somewhat telling that we expect people to turn all that off on their wedding day. When you get married, you’re supposed to stop seeking novelty, settle down, and become a responsible, tax-paying family that will birth the next generation of tax-paying workers. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high?

“There’s no right way to make love, but there are too many wrong ways, some of which leave awkward scars.”

Being an erotica/romance writer, part of the fun is finding all sorts of wonderfully sexy ways to have couples make love. It pushes both your imagination and libido in all the right ways. So long as the love is genuine, lovemaking can take many forms.

Conversely, it can also fail spectacularly in ways that don’t make it into erotica/romance novels. It doesn’t take much to ruin the moment or kill the mood. Whether it’s an ill-timed spank or irresponsible dirty talk, it can really undermine a romance. It can also leave scars, emotionally and physically. It’s debatable which of the two are more embarrassing, though.

That’s it for now. Until next Sunday, get out there and enjoy the summer heat. Hang out by the pool, take in the sight of bikinis, and appreciate nature’s most clothing-optional season. Whether you’re working on a tan or reading a sexy novel, there’s a lot to enjoy. Just stay cool and stay sexy while doing it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

Top of the morning to ye, my lovely lasses and laddies! I hope everyone here had a safe, fun, hangover-free St. Patrick’s Day this past week. Whether you stayed sober or got more drunk than Homer Simpson at happy hour, I hope you all had a fun, sexy time.

I know St. Patrick’s Day isn’t exactly Christmas in March. I know it doesn’t involve elaborate gifts, fancy deserts, or family gatherings that coincide with football games. However, it does involve a damn good excuse for heavy drinking, bad dancing, and public nudity. We all live such stressful lives these days. I say we need something like that every now and then.

I won’t go into detail about how I spent my St. Patrick’s Day. Just assume it involved more than a few beers and resulted in some form of nudity. For me, that constitutes a successful holiday in any capacity. Considering how sick I was a week ago, it’s a damn good feeling and one that has inspired some sexy musings.

As such, I’m proud to present my official St. Patrick’s Day edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” I can’t guarantee that all of these musings were surmised with a sober mind. I also can’t guarantee they won’t disturb those still recovering from a hangover. I’ll just say that they’re a product of a mind that’s just glad to not be sick anymore and eager to celebrate any holiday that inspires public nudity. Enjoy!

“Women underestimate how much breasts make men act stupid and overestimate how much they’ll regret that stupidity in the morning.”

I’ve seen men do many stupid things when in the presence of exposed breasts. I, myself, have done my share of foolish things in the presence of breasts. I don’t think that women understand just how much power their breasts have over us.

It often leads to cases where women complain about male stupidity when in the presence of beautiful women. I get why some women feel that way. Even some men feel that way. However, they don’t seem to understand how futile it is to make men feel sorry for appreciating the power of breasts. You can shame men for a lot of reasons. Being stupid around breasts isn’t one of them.

“It’s inherently hypocritical for men to insult a woman for being a bitch, but still wanting her to fuck like one.”

I’m a man. I have a lot of male friends. As such, it’s not uncommon for some of those friends to complain about a woman being too bitchy, whether it’s a co-worker, a girlfriend, a sibling, or a spouse. In some cases, the insult is justified. In most, however, it’s somewhat misguided.

That’s because I’ve also noticed how men expect so much from their women. They want a loyal, gentle, nurturing lady they can parade in front of their grandparents, but they also want a kinky nymphomaniac who will fuck like Jenna Jameson on crack. That’s expecting too much, in my opinion, and insults mixed with hypocrisy is never sexy.

“A man who shaves his balls assumes way too much about the role they play in his sex appeal.”

I don’t know who started this trend. Whoever it is, I wish to personally punch them in the jaw. The male nutsack has a purpose and shaving it does nothing to enhance or facilitate that purpose. I get the logic behind grooming pubic hair and being mindful of one’s genitalia. I just don’t think the presence or absence of hair on a man’s balls has much influence on how sexy he is.

“We live in an era where a text message can count as foreplay and a compliment on a woman’s breasts can count as harassment.”

Honestly, I’m scared to compliment a woman on her appearance these days. Anything and everything said about her body can be construed as harassment of some kind. It’s frustrating because women say they want us to respect their bodies, but get offended when we compliment it. It’s enough to frustrate any man’s brain and genitals.

Then, there’s the idea of sexting. Apparently, this is how a new generation of horny men and women are getting around that issue. For them, a simple text message is the equivalent of tongue-kissing and copping a feel. I’m all for the power of the written word, but some kinds of power need not be that skewed.

“The fact that so many young people learn about sex through internet porn makes me worry that they overestimate the impact of spanking.”

Now I love internet porn as much as the next guy. I’m grateful for the service and convenience it provides. However, I worry that our collective unwillingness to talk to young people about sex is essentially deferring the issue to porn stars, porn studios, and Howard Stern.

That would be like ditching driver’s education and letting teenagers learn about driving by watching “The Fast and The Furious” in conjunction with having multiple orgasms. That’s going to leave a flawed impression. Given the amount of lubricant, tattoos, anal bleaching, and spanking involved in the average porn, I worry that an entire generation of youth will have a flawed understanding of what constitutes intimate, sensual experiences.

“Sex appeal is like the meat on the bone of a juicy stake. Romance is a willingness to slow-cook that steak and marinate it in special sauce.”

As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, it’s important to understand the difference between raw sex appeal and romance. Sex appeal is pretty basic. A woman with big breasts and a man with a big dick has inherent sex appeal. Those traits trigger the kind of basic, primal responses that made our cavemen ancestors horny.

Romance, on the other hand, goes beyond the mere primal. Romance requires a certain amount of thought, patience, and planning. Whether you’re a man or a woman, romance is the icing while the sex appeal is merely the sugar. Our willingness to be patient, thoughtful, and intimate goes a long way towards crafting that perfect dish, be it a dinner or desert.

“When you think about it, romantic gestures that cost money are down payments towards future orgasms.”

Economics and finance are rarely that sexy. That doesn’t mean they can’t influence our love lives. When you get down to the basics, romantic gestures are like emotional investments. Instead of interest, the payoff is love, intimacy, and hot sex. Even by Warren Buffet standards, that’s a pretty good return on investment.

That’s all for now. Hope this helps others recover from their St. Patrick’s Day festivities and/or reconcile with their liver. Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine. So long as it isn’t coupled with blackouts and dry-heaves, I like to think I’ve helped.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The Romantic Cabin Edition

It’s a tough week for a lot of men out there. This is the first weekend where we have no football to watch. For many, it’s the most agonizing time of the year. Christmas is over. Football is ending. This particular weekend basically begins the long, arduous wait until these things we love return.

In these dark times, it’s important that we support each other. It’s just as important that we turn to our lovers in our time of need. We should not run from their love, nor should we wallow in lonely despair. It’s already colder than a penguins ass outside. This is as good a time as any to cuddle up, embrace those we love, and console ourselves, at least until the NFL Draft.

As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can only do so much. I probably haven’t helped by talking about such heavy topics as evil, villains, and Lawrence Phillips. Well, today is different.

Today, I’m bringing this sad, lonely world that now lacks Christmas decorations and football games another round of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” They won’t bring football or Christmas back any sooner, but I hope it offers some comfort, as well as a few dirty laughs. If it can also get you and your lover in the mood, then that’s just a nice bonus for everybody. Enjoy!

The male douche-bags of the world affect a lot of people, but the women who willingly have sex with douche-bags ensure that effect spreads across generations. So who is worse?

We all hate douche-bags. We all want to punch the rich kids of Instagram in the jaw. If there’s any force powerful enough to counter their shit, it’s the beautiful women they try to sleep with. Beautiful women are their kryptonite. So ladies, especially those with big tits, the power is in your hands. Fight the power of douche-bags. Don’t sleep with them anymore. You’ll change the world for the better.

Those who claim they favor quality over quantity must be inherently conflicted when it comes to orgasms.

Quality over quantity works in so many things. In many instances, it’s the hardest option available, but it’s the one most worth doing. When it comes to orgasms though, the whole quality vs. quantity debate takes on a whole new dimension. I don’t think men or women are equipped to make sense of it. Never-the-less, even if you try and fail, you never really lose in the long run.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. Teach a man to give good oral sex and he’ll never be alone for the duration of that lifetime.

There are some skills that are just gifts. I’m sure the Ron Jeremys of the world are aware of theirs. Some, however, can be learned. Oral sex is one of them. That is a skill that can bring people together in ways that transcend race, talent, and status. It is also a skill that can be learned. Learning that skill may not make you a saint, but it’ll make you a lot of close, loyal friends.

If sex has a smell and that smell comes out through sweat, then saunas must really confuse our noses and our genitals.

I’ve been in a sauna before. I’ve smelled sweaty naked bodies before, male and female. I’m not going to lie. My nose and my genitals don’t always agree. It’s not a conflict I’m equipped to deal with. It has no winners. So long as I have extra towels or a really lose bathing suit, I can manage it.

A young, attractive man whose poor still doesn’t have an advantage over an old, ugly man who is rich.

I’ve made this point before. I’ll keep making it because it needs to be belabored. There is no such thing as an unsexy rich man. Even if you have the body of a young Brad Pitt and the eyes of Ryan Gosling, being dirt poor ensures your options in ladies are peanuts compared to those of old, rich, ugly guys.

A lot of money goes a long ways towards moistening the loins of certain women. I concede that not all women are this way, but the population of those who are is probably much higher than we care to admit.

If men could really think with their dicks, then would getting a blowjob count as a mental exercise?

A penis can’t think. If it did, I’d have gotten straight-As through high school and college with ease. Men and women alike often claim we mistake our dicks for our brains. The erotica/romance writer in me likes to contemplate crazy sexy scenarios about what would happen if we could somehow bridge that gap. How much smarter would men be if blowjobs improved our thinking skills? It sure as hell would make school more fun.

If sex were a video game, the clitoris would be a cheat code that too many men are reluctant to use.

So long as I’m talking about dicks, I might as well be fair to the body parts of women as well. A dick is hard to hide. Any teenage boy with a boner during gym class knows that. A clitoris is a bit more subtle. However, once you know how to work it, this wondrous creation of nature is a shortcut to a woman’s ecstasy.

The sad part is that too many men either refuse to take this shortcut or don’t even know it’s there. It’s a frustrating problem, but a fixable one. I hope my contributions as an erotica/romance writer can help.

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