Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Labor Day 2018 Edition

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It’s Labor Day weekend and once again, we all find ourselves asking the same question. What the hell is Labor Day and why the hell is it a holiday? There’s probably a legitimate story behind it, but I doubt most people will care because it means a day off work and a chance to sleep in on a Monday.

I’m somewhat lucky, I guess. When I was growing up, my family made it a point to have a big Labor Day cookout to cap off the summer. My family never passed up a chance to throw a party and have a get-together. Sometimes, the 4th of July just wasn’t enough. I remember those cookouts fondly, but they were somewhat tainted by the fact that I had to go to school the next day.

As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve come to appreciate Labor Day for what it is. We all work so hard just to survive in this crazy world. We all need to take a step back and relax every once in a while. Work is all well and good, but we need balance. I often feel as though Americans are way behind in that respect, compared to those in Europe.

That being said, I urge everyone to make the most of this day. Holiday or not, it’s a day to enjoy the last bit of summer before cold weather sweeps in and Christmas lights go up. That’s why I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to Labor Day and sleeping in on a Monday. Enjoy!


“When you think about it, foreplay and negotiating aren’t really THAT different in terms of navigating sex.”


“The difference between having an eccentric quirk and a sexy kink is the amount of lube required.”


“Enjoying cream in your coffee is like enjoying extra tongue with oral sex.”


“An orgy is basically the Netflix of sex.”


“Bad sex can taint love, but good love can repair bad sex.”


“Nipples are nature’s way of keeping some sensitive parts of the body above the waist.”


“The first three-way was contemplated by a either a really horny man or a very tired woman.”


I hope that helps make everyone’s long weekend feel that much more complete. Whether you intend to have a cookout, like my parents, or just not get out of your underwear all day, I hope you find a way to enjoy Labor Day. For some of us, though, the work never ends and that’s especially true of telling sexy stories and sharing sexy thoughts.

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The (Not So Secret) Sex Appeal Of Ron Swanson

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What is it about certain men who seem to attract women without even trying? What’s their secret? What are they doing that other men aren’t? These are questions that many self-proclaimed love gurus and pick-up artists have attempted to answer. Since many of those gurus are frauds and many pick-up artists are assholes, I wouldn’t put much stock into those answers.

As a man, I’ve known men who can attract women so easily that it seems second nature. I’ve also known men who can barely talk to women, let alone attract them. Most men, and I would put myself in this category, fall somewhere in the middle. Whether you’re a hopeless romantic or a Don Draper level womanizer, it’s worth understanding the qualities that attract women.

That’s where Ron Swanson comes in. If you’ve watched every episode of “Parks and Recreation” like I have, you know why just saying that name out loud fills the immediate area with greater masculinity. That’s because Ron Swanson is a true man’s man. He has more masculinity in his mustache than most men have in their entire bodies.

I’ve cited Ron Swanson before as someone who embodies a type of masculinity that even self-proclaimed feminists can get behind. He’s strong without being a bully. He’s assertive without being cruel. He’s stern without being heartless. While he doesn’t always exercise good judgment when it comes to ex-wives, Ron reflects a level of manliness that men, women, and everyone in between can respect.

As such, Ron is in a unique position to provide insight into the world of masculine sex appeal. There are multiple instances throughout “Parks and Recreation” in which Ron attracts women. Whether he’s in a serious relationship with Diane Lewis or whipping a crowd of women into a frenzy as Duke Silver, it’s well-established that women find this man attractive.

While that probably isn’t surprising, considering Ron’s character is played by an equally-manly romantic in Nick Offerman, I feel it’s worth scrutinizing the particulars of that sex appeal. I believe there’s insight to be gained from Ron’s masculinity and how it attracts women.

Now, and I wish I didn’t have to disclose this, I don’t mean to imply that this assessment speaks for all women. I am not a woman, nor do I claim to know the various intricacies of the female thought processes. I understand that women have a variety of tastes when it comes to men. Not all of them are going to find Ron Swanson attractive.

When it comes to high standards of male sex appeal, though, Ron checks more boxes than most. That’s why I feel he’s worth singling out in the interest of scrutinizing the most attractive traits associated with masculinity. In doing so, I hope other men can learn from his example.

There are many ways Ron demonstrates these place throughout plays out in “Parks and Recreation,” but one episode in particular encapsulates the essence of his sex appeal. That episode is entitled “Lucky.” It takes place in Season 4 while Leslie Knope is in middle of her campaign for City Council, but Ron’s role in the side-plot to the campaign drama is where there’s more action, including the sexy kind.

That plot involves April Ludgate trying to hook up overly-energetic, exceedingly-dramatic Chris Traeger with Andy’s female professor. It’s not out of the goodness of her heart. Anyone who is familiar with her mannerisms knows that’s not her style. Her intentions are more self-serving because Chris recently suffered a break-up and April believes finding a new love interest will make him less annoying.

Her plan seems good on paper. She invites Andy’s professor, Linda Lonegan, to lunch with her, Andy, and Ron. There, they just happen to run into Chris, who’s eating alone. At first, everything seems to be working. Chris, through the charisma of Rob Lowe, shows a keen and overt interest in her.

While he’s doing this, though, Ron is sitting right next to Linda. He’s showing no romantic interest in her. He’s at a restaurant. His only interest is in how much steak he can eat and how many vegetables he can throw away. Ron does have a romantic side, but he also has priorities, especially when steak is involved.

It’s also worth noting that Linda is a women’s studies professor. In previous episodes, she makes very clear that she identifies as a feminist. I also have to note that she’s not the kind of radical, man-hating feminist that loves to fuel outrage culture. I would categorize her feminism as a healthy, balanced brand of second-wave feminism that dealt with more overt forms of gender inequality.

While Ron doesn’t bring those issues up, they’re a big part of Chris Traeger’s efforts to attract Linda. He effectively filters everything he says to Linda through a feminist lens, going out of his way to use the kind of rhetoric that demonstrates he understands her worldview and embraces it. Initially, Linda does seem interested in him.

Even though he’s very sensitive with his rhetoric, Chris is no beta male. He’s very masculine in his own right with how he takes care of himself and pursues things so energetically. He’s also played by Rob Lowe, who certainly has many traits of an attractive man, even by Hollywood standards.

Despite those traits, Linda ultimately rejects Chris’ invitation to join her for some land kayaking, which isn’t nearly as sexy as it sounds. Then, shortly after Chris leaves, she turns to Ron and invites him back to her place for activities that don’t involve kayaking. Ron, having had three steaks at this point, accepts and it’s overtly implied that they make love, as evidenced by him wearing his red polo shirt the next day.

To understand why Linda chose Ron over Chris, though, it’s important to break down how Ron acts in this scene. Even though Ron wasn’t attempting to attract Linda, she was still drawn to him more than Chris. According to some of the science behind the traits women find attractive in men, that actually makes sense.

From the moment Ron joined Linda in that scene, he was his usual poised self. He didn’t ask for specials from the waiter. He knew what he wanted, which was a porterhouse steak, medium rare. He was confident in his decision, as well as polite and assertive. Those are traits that are both attractive and respectful.

In addition to his demeanor, Ron’s mannerisms reflect confidence and certainty. Even though he eats three steaks, he’s not a slob. He conducts himself in a way that feels approachable and unimposing. Even if he doesn’t try to attract Linda, he does everything necessary to avoid repulsing her.

Beyond what he does, the way Ron speaks is just as powerful. He’s a man of few words whereas Chris will literally go overboard with adjectives and adverbs every chance he gets. His persona is endearing, but he also comes off as intense. For many women, including Linda, that can be a turn-off. Intense men tend to be complicated men and many reasonable women don’t have the energy for that.

On the other end of the spectrum, Ron is much simpler and transparent with his wants and desires. He says it himself in the early episodes of “Parks and Recreation.” He likes pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. That kind of simplicity makes him easier to understand and easier to work with. From Linda’s perspective, keeping up with Ron is much less tedious than keeping up with Chris.

Even from a physical standpoint, Ron conveys more raw masculinity than the health-obsessed Chris. While Chris may have six-pack abs and a very healthy resting heart rate, Ron has a manly mustache and studies show that women find facial hair more attractive. While the presence of facial hair probably wasn’t the determining factor for Linda, it likely played a part.

In the end, Linda found herself between two very masculine men. She ultimately went with the man who demonstrates the most attractive masculine traits just by being himself. Her decision doesn’t just highlight the many ways in which Ron Swanson is personifies manliness. It singles out the traits that appeal to women on a basic level.

Ron Swanson is assertive, protective, frugal, stern, loyal, dedicated, and hard-working. He would function just as effectively as a hunter in ancient times as he does as the Director of Parks and Recreation for the city of Pawnee, if not more so. He’s someone who could still care for his lover if civilization collapsed and zombies overran the cities.

It’s here where Ron’s sex appeal goes beyond simply attracting women. Unlike egocentric pick-up artists or hyper-sensitive ladies men, Ron Swanson conducts himself in ways that men and women alike can respect. In turn, he treats men and women with similar respect.

He doesn’t hold women to a different standard. He treats Linda as an equal and not a prize to be won. He leaves it up to the woman to decide if she finds him attractive enough to be with. In the end, he made Linda’s decision both easy and appealing. It’s the kind of masculinity that men, women, feminists, men’s rights activists, egalitarians, and Americans of all stripes can get behind.

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Announcement: New Approach To Website

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This is just a quick announcement on the future of this website and my writing endeavors. For the past few weeks, I’ve been contemplating how to go about improving the content and experience of this site. I’ve also been contemplating the amount of time and effort I put into it, whether it pertains to promoting my novels or crafting sexy short stories.

When I started this website, my main goal was to establish a presence the crowded space that is the internet. From that presence, I hoped to generate an audience that enjoys my novels, my stories, and my occasional insights into issues that range from complex gender dynamics to sex robots. If I can make those issues sexy, then that’s a nice bonus.

While I enjoy talking about these topics, the time and effort that goes into each article is pretty extensive. Indeed, it has helped generate traffic for this website, but I feel as though little has come from this traffic, other than improving my stats. I don’t want that to be the sole measure of success for this site.

As such, I’ve decided to adopt a new approach for this website. I’ll continue to write articles on hot-button issues that range from abortion to artificial intelligence to depictions of video game characters. However, they will no longer be a daily feature. I’d rather focus on quality over quantity when discussing those issues, especially given the sensitive nature of certain topics.

Instead, I’d like to put more emphasis into my sexy short stories, comic book reviews, and other kinds of reviews that I feel have a sexy sort of relevance. I’ll also begin a regular column that I call my “Daily Sexy Musings,” which are more drawn-out version of my weekly Sexy Sunday Thoughts. These musings, I hope, will provide a sexy start to your day and get you thinking more sexy thoughts.

Ideally, I’ll establish a regular schedule for musings, sexy short stories, and serious articles about hot-button issues. If you have any suggestions or preferences for how I go about providing content on this site, please let me know in the comments. I’m certainly open to suggestions.

I genuinely want this website to succeed, both in terms of traffic and in terms of furthering my goals as a writer. I’d like to make a career out of writing and I want this site to play a part in the process. I’m not sure how to go about it, but I’m willing to learn and do the necessary work. Hopefully, it’ll make for a lucrative and sexy payoff.

I expect the next few months to be a time of adjustments and changes. To all those who have supported this site over the past couple years, I sincerely thank you and I hope to keep providing quality sexy content.

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Jack Fisher’s Predictions/Picks For The 2018 NFL Season

NFL Combine Football

It’s finally that time of year when we can definitively answer the question that Hank William Jr. loves asking so loudly.

Are you ready for some football?

Yes, Mr. Williams. Yes, I am. I know football has not exactly been a squeaky-clean enterprise lately. I’m well-aware of the long list of bad press it has generated over the past year and before it. I don’t doubt that there will be plenty of controversies to come, some more egregious than others.

For now, though, I want to set aside all the outrage, grand-standing, and whining for a moment and focus on real, actual football. Last year, I made a series of predictions and picks for how I thought the 2017 season would play out. I was dead wrong. I had the Panthers and the Steelers in the Super Bowl. One didn’t make the playoffs and the other got knocked out in the second round.

I’m not an expert, nor am I psychic. I freely admit that. However, I am a die-hard football fan who follows multiple teams, right down to which knee-ligament they injure. As such, I’m going to share my gut predictions for how the 2018 season will pan out, minus the inevitable controversies.

Like last year, I can only assume so much before the first game. Injuries, front office shake-ups, and player suspensions are likely to upend any predictions. For now, though, here are my picks for the division winners and the outcome of Super Bowl LIII.


AFC East

Once again, this is the easiest division to pick in football. It has been for nearly two decades now. It’s not just that the Patriots are that good with Bill Belichick as a coach and Tom Brady as a quarterback. Every other team in the division just keeps finding ways to fall behind.

The Buffalo Bills ended a 17-year playoff drought last year, only to ditch their starting quarterback, Tyrod Taylor. The Miami Dolphins thought they could win with Jay Cutler and the less said about the New York Jets’ struggles to replace Joe Namath, the better. I’m not saying that it’s impossible for these three teams to overachieve this year. I’m just saying they have a lot working against them.

As long as Tom Brady stays healthy, the Patriots should win their division with ease. The Dolphins are the only wild card, but that depends on Ryan Tannehill’s ability to recover from a torn ACL and an offense that traded away its best receiver to Cleveland. The Patriots dynasty will end at some point, as all dynasties do. It just won’t be this year.

Winner: New England Patriots


AFC North

This is another easy division to pick, but one that might not be as easy as usual. As of now, the Pittsburg Steelers are the most complete team. They have the best receiver in football in Antonio Brown. They have a two-time Super Bowl winner in Ben Roethlisberger. They have an all-pro running back in Le’Veon Bell. They have what it takes to win the division and make a run at the Super Bowl.

As good as the Steelers are, though, their age is showing. Roethlisberger has a lengthy injury history and Bell seems to be getting impatient with wanting a long-term deal. Every other team in the division is catching up to them, including the Cleveland Browns. However, until the Browns can prove they can win at least one game, they’re a long way from competing.

Both the Baltimore Ravens and the Cincinnati Bengals have improved. The Ravens are getting Joe Flacco back healthy and they’ve gained a few offensive weapons. Unlike previous years, the Steelers will not run away with this division early. They’ll have to fight for it, going into December.

Even with the improvement of their rivals, though, I think it’s still the Steelers’ division to lose. Roethlisberger understands his window for another Super Bowl is closing. The team got blind-sided last year by the Jaguars and they’re going to make a hard push for one last run before their core starts to fracture.

Winner: Pittsburg Steelers


AFC South

Unlike the previous two divisions, this one might be the most competitive division in football. You could easily make a case for any one of these teams winning the division and not seem crazy. This division was one of the tightest in the league last year and it’s going to be even tighter this year.

In the end, though, I believe the Indianapolis Colts will come out on top. I know that assumes a lot about Andrew Luck’s health. He hasn’t played in a regular season game since 2015 because of a shoulder injury. However, I believe that just means he’ll be well-rested and able to re-establish the Colts as a force to be reckoned with in the AFC.

It won’t be easy. Both the Huston Texans and the Jacksonville Jaguars will fight them for the division. While I think the Texans will get a boost with the development of Deshaun Watson, I don’t think he’s ready to overtake Luck. It’s easy to forget that just a few years ago, Luck took a scrappy Colts team to the AFC championship. The team he has around him is much better and I think that’ll be the deciding factor.

Again, this could come down to the last week of the season. This division may end up producing two wild card teams. At the moment, though, I believe Luck’s return will be the deciding factor.

Winner: Indianapolis Colts


AFC West

This is a tough division to predict. It’s one of those divisions that doesn’t have a really dominant team, but it doesn’t have any really bad teams either. All four of them have talent on both sides of the ball. All four could get hot at just the right time and make the playoffs. For the moment, I think the Oakland Raiders have the best chance.

That’s not just because of the return of Jon Gruden as their coach. I believe they have a solid core with Derek Carr as their quarterback and Khalil Mack as their top defensive player. Yes, I know Mack is in the middle of a contract hold-out. I don’t believe that’s going to last too deep into the season. This team has too much going for it.

I know the Kansas City Chiefs and Denver Broncos have top-tier defenses, but I don’t think that will be enough to carry them through. Patrick Mahomes and Case Keenum just aren’t going to provide enough balance. I believe Philip Rivers could certainly carry the Los Angeles Chargers to the division if the team gets hot, but that whole team is in flux right now. I don’t see it having enough to overtake Oakland this year.

Winner: Oakland Raiders


NFC East

This is probably my most ambitious pick. I know the New York Giants finished dead last in the division last year, which led to the end of Eli Manning’s consecutive start streak and the end of Ben McAdoo’s tenure as coach. However, this division is almost always in flux and I think the time has come for the Giants to reclaim it.

The Philadelphia Eagles may be the defending Super Bowl champs, but I also see them taking a step back. I’ve seen a pretty sloppy team throughout preseason. Carson Wentz is still recovering from a torn ACL and Nick Foles has not shown that he can carry over his astonishing playoff performance that led the team to their first Super Bowl. The team will still be good, but it won’t repeat.

The NFC East, historically, has not let teams repeat. It’s just too competitive and the teams around the Eagles are too hungry to let them do it again. The Washington Redskins keep stocking up on defensive talent and the Dallas Cowboys, despite losing Dez Bryant, still have playmakers on both sides of the ball.

What will carry the Giants beyond them, though, is their investment in Saquon Barkley, their fourth overall pick in this year’s draft. He is, by far, the best running back the Giants have had since Tiki Barber. He will provide the Giants offense with the kind of balanced attack that helped propel it to two Super Bowl victories.

I believe the Giants of 2018 will use the same script as the Cowboys of 2016, following a rookie running back into the playoffs. While I don’t think they’ll go all the way, I believe they have the tools they need to overcome their rivals, at least for this year.

Winner: New York Giants


NFC South

This is another division that always seems to be in flux. Every year seems to birth a dominant team. It was the Carolina Panthers in 2015. It was the Atlanta Falcons in 2016. It was the New Orleans Saints in 2017, thanks to two rookie running backs that carried their offense. This year, though, I believe the Falcons will once again rise to the top.

Beyond the fat new contract they just gave Matt Ryan, I believe the Falcons have a good blend of defensive talent to go along with offensive weapons that include the likes of Julio Jones. Last year, they kept things close and managed to make it into the playoffs as a wild card team. They just didn’t make enough plays when it mattered.

I believe they’ll fight a little harder this year after seeing the Eagles upset the Patriots in the Super Bowl. I also believe that the Saints, Panthers, and Buccaneers did not do enough to improve in the offseason. I can see one of those teams making it as a wild card team, but I think the Falcons will eventually pull away with the division.

Winner: Atlanta Falcons


NFC West

This might be an unpopular pick, especially after the Los Angeles Rams surprised everybody last year with their record. Plus, most saw how hot the San Francisco 49ers got at the end of last year and think Jimmy Garoppolo is the second coming of Joe Montana. I believe both those teams can make a case for winning the division this year, but I’m still going with the team that has a Super Bowl ring in this decade.

The Seahawks really faltered last year and they’ve steadily lost the core that won the Super Bowl in 2013. However, they still have Russell Wilson, who had to single-handedly win games last year. They also have the most stable coaching staff with Pete Carroll and a fresh crop of defensive talent to build on.

They’re not going to be as dominant as they were in previous years, but I think they have what it takes to reign in the Rams and 49ers. Both of those teams are on the rise, but they still have a way to go before they can be true contenders. It’s hard to say whether the Arizona Cardinals will be in the mix with journeyman Sam Bradford as their quarterback. In a division like this, though, stability counts for something.

At the moment, the Seahawks are the most stable, consistent team in the division. They’re losing ground to the 49ers and Rams, but so long as they can avoid the flood of injuries they had last year, I think they’ll still come out on top.

Winner: Seattle Seahawks


NFC North

This could very well be the most exciting division in all of football. This division, alone, will help make the 2018 NFL season worth watching. Each team has a capable quarterback. Each team has playmakers on both sides of the ball. Each team is hungry for a Super Bowl. This is one of those divisions that will make for the most drama that doesn’t involve Colin Kaepernick.

The Chicago Bears surprised me last year with how well Mitch Trubisky played. The Detroit Lions surprised me by how competitive they were in so many games. Even the Green Bay Packers surprised me with how well they played in the absence of Aaron Rogers. None, however, were as surprising as the Minnesota Vikings and not just because of that last-second miracle play against the Saints in the NFC Divisional round.

The Vikings accomplished that feat with Case Keenum, who is now in Denver. Since then, they landed the biggest offseason prize in recent memory with Kirk Cousins. Seeing the numbers he put up with the Redskins behind mediocre talent at best and the Vikings are officially poised for a Super Bowl run.

I can still see either the Packers or the Lions overtaking them. I can even see the Bears over-achieving at some point. However, in terms of talent and depth, the Vikings are the most complete team. I believe they’ll eventually win the division. It’ll come down to the final week of the season, but their depth and talent levels are just too great at this point.

Winner: Minnesota Vikings


Super Bowl LIII Predictions

I’m not going to speculate on how the playoff seating or wild card teams will shape up. Those kinds of specifics are just pit stops on the way to the Super Bowl, which is the goal for all 32 teams last I checked. When all is said and done, there can be only two teams on Super Bowl Sunday and I believe those teams will be the Steelers and the Vikings.

I believe the Steelers are poised for a run. That devastating loss against the Jaguars last year hurt, but that’ll only motivate them even more this year. They were just a few plays short in 2017 and I believe they’ll make those plays in 2018. I also believe the Vikings will make enough to finally get to the Super Bowl for the first time since 1976.

Both teams have a solid balance of offense and defense. Both teams have quality quarterbacks with a solid group of playmakers. I think the Vikings are better defensively while the Steelers are better offensively. On paper, both teams are as evenly matched as you can get.

In the end, I predict that the Steelers will inch out am overdue Super Bowl victory. They have too much experience with Roethlisberger and too much talent with Antonio Brown. I believe that’ll be just enough to carry them past the Vikings in a close, but decisive game.

Super Bowl LIII Final Score: Pittsburg Steelers 28, Minnesota Vikings 27


There you have it! Those are my predictions for the 2018 NFL seasons. They’re probably dead wrong, but that’s what makes football so much fun. You can be wrong and still enjoy the game.

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The following is a review I wrote for PopMatters for “Scarlet #1.” Enjoy!

Evolving Revolutions in a Devolving World: ‘Scarlet #1’

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August 30, 2018 · 4:22 pm

A Sweet (Atypical) Love Story In “Sugar”

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Not every love story begins with a daring rescue followed by a witty exchange, culminating in an act of passionate lovemaking. Fairy tales and romantic comedies tend to present an obscenely skewed picture of how love actually manifests. In the same way porn gives fanciful depictions of sex, most love stories present an idealized, but flawed understanding of romance.

To be fair, though, love in the real world tends to lack that magical nuance. That’s why those fanciful depictions have so much appeal in the first place. It’s also why “Sugar,” the latest slice-of-life graphic novel from Matt Hawkins and Jenni Cheung, brings something interesting to the world of romance.

It doesn’t involve superheroes. It doesn’t involve elaborate emotional entanglements, either. It’s just a unique, engaging, and distinctly sexy story that resonates in the current year. This being the same creative team behind “Swing,” another novel love story that I lauded earlier this year, the bar is higher than most.

While I’ll won’t say “Sugar” is better than “Swing,” it has plenty to offer for those looking for a different kind of love story. This is not one of those boy-meets-girl or girl-crushes-on-cute-guy narratives that follows a familiar script. It doesn’t try to reinvent the genre, either. Instead, it takes two characters who find themselves in frustrating, but believable predicaments and has them find each other in a unique way.

Julia Capello and John Markham aren’t eccentric personalities with extreme quirks. Julia is a 23-year-old college student working multiple jobs, constantly worrying about tuition and her financially struggling mother. It’s not a ground-breaking basis for a young woman, but it never comes off as overly-tragic. Hers is a story that many young people today can relate to.

The same goes for John, a middle-aged businessman who thought he did everything right. He married his high-school love, created a thriving business, and played by the rules that men believe they’re supposed to follow. Then, out of nowhere, he finds out his wife is cheating on him and she serves him with divorce papers. In an instant, everything he thinks he knows about love is shattered.

These are two people with significant emotional deficits. Julia makes it clear that being alone doesn’t sit well with her. Her love of romance movies and her reactions to her roommates kinky antics with her boyfriend make that apparent. John is broken and lonely, needing a new connection to fill the void that his ex-wife left in his heart.

How they come together isn’t that romantic, in terms of logistics. Their first interaction is an otherwise forgettable joke in diner. However, their paths eventually cross again, this time with much sexier interactions. Instead of turning into a traditional relationship, though, these two follow a different path.

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This is where “Sugar” twists the standard romantic narrative. Instead of two people coming together in moments that go onto inspire Taylor Swift songs, they end up following a much messier path. John, who is still very hung up on his wife, doesn’t jump into another relationship. Instead, he seeks an “arrangement,” of sorts.

Instead of an actual girlfriend, he asks Julia to be her sugar baby. That’s a term that exists in the real world and often gets conflated with prostitution. In fact, that’s a common refrain throughout “Sugar.” Julia goes out of her way to belabor the fact that she’s not just exchanging sex for money. It’s worth belaboring too because that’s not the crux of their arrangement.

Yes, the arrangement does involve sex.

Yes, the arrangement does involve activities associated with dating and relationship.

No, the arrangement does not involve the promise of marriage, kids, and a white picket fence.

No, the arrangement does not involve contracts, dungeons, and bondage in the mold of “50 Shades of Grey.”

In practice, it doesn’t necessarily convey the traits of an epic love story. It doesn’t depict that of a kinky porno, either. The arrangement between Julia and John serves a defined purpose that benefits them both.

John is someone who has spent most of his life in a relationship. Being alone for him is untenable. Julia is someone who clearly wants intimacy, but struggles to fit it into her hectic life. The arrangement they pursue together fulfills them both in a particular way. John gets companionship. Julia gets intimacy and some badly-needed financial support.

If that were the only result of the arrangement, though, there wouldn’t be much of a story. It doesn’t take long before Julia and John encounter various complications to their arrangement. Emotional entanglements do enter the picture. Some of them are a bit predictable, but others are less obvious.

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There’s an underlying sense that neither character really understands what they feel for one another. John often finds himself pulled in multiple directions by his emotions whereas Julia tends to make more assumptions than she should. It makes for an eventful emotional journey, which leads to some interesting choices in the end.

When all is said and done, “Sugar” comes off as a real love story, but in an indirect sort of way. It take a strange, meandering path to get to that point, but it still gets there. While a second volume of the story is teased at the end, the story feels complete. There’s a sense that both Julia and John take a step forward in their lives, both together and as individuals.

There are a number of flaws with how “Sugar” goes about guiding Julia and John through the story, though. Neither character has much of a supporting cast. Both Julia and John are surrounded by archetypes with the personality depth of meathead jocks from 80s teen movies.

John’s business partner, Richard, is basically a well-dressed frat boy whose only role is to present the idea of an “arrangement.” His ex-wife, Karen, is even less developed. She is the personification of everything that rabid anti-feminists dread, a callous bitch who preys on the emotions of rich men while indulging her hedonistic proclivities on the side.

Julia’s supporting cast isn’t much better. Aside from a roommate who constantly encourages her to get laid and bosses that see her as nothing more than a cog with a pretty face, there’s nobody that really complements her. The people around her are just extra and bring little to the table.

On top of that, there are times when Julia and John rely too heavily on tired tropes. John has a few moments where he tries to be a White Knight and Julia has a few moments where she tries to be overly independent to the point of being an asshole about it. While these parts of the story can be eye-rolling at times, they don’t take away from the overall story.

At its core, “Sugar” is still a love story. It’s just a very different kind of love story. It takes two people in need of love and brings them together, albeit in an unorthodox way. It still works, though. It still evokes just the right emotion without resorting to princesses and dragon-slaying.

If I had to score “Sugar,” I would give it a 7 out of 10. It’s a solid, above-average story that applies just the right amount of romance and sex appeal. It has a novel concept that has plenty of potential, sexy and otherwise. It lacks the various support structures necessary to make it feel complete. Compared to “Swing,” it doesn’t quite measure up in terms of refinement.

Unlike “Swing,” this is a love story that feels more definitive. It’s concise, streamlined, and genuine in ways that few love stories dare to be in an era where one or more love interests has to be a superhero. Hawkins and Cheung once again achieve something special and sexy with “Sugar.” It may never be an epic love story that inspires a James Cameron movie, but it doesn’t have to in order to be sweet.

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Filed under comic book reviews, romance, sex in society, sexuality

“A Sexy Science Experiment” A Sexy Short Story (About A Bionic Penis)

jumdlrf

The following is a sexy short story I wrote after seeing a number of stories about men with bionic penises. Yes, by the way, this story includes a bionic penis. Enjoy!

It was another cold, dreary night on the outskirts of Centerfield University. For most people, it was a perfect excuse to stay indoors, curl up on the touch, and binge watch whatever shows made them forget how cold they were. For Kelly “Roxy” Rindle, those nights had a different meaning. They usually meant she was going to be busy.

“Another storm, another city full of lonely men,” Kelly sighed as she entered a hotel less than an hour after sunset. “I need to start charging a higher premium.”

Making her way through a mostly-empty lobby, not even making eye-contact with the receptionist at the desk, she slipped into the nearest bathroom to fix her appearance. Wearing a heavy coat that covered a low-hanging halter top and skin-tight black pants, Kelly took a moment to recover from the blistering cold. She also had to re-apply her makeup, brush her hair, and apply her lip balm. As an independent escort, she had a brand to maintain.

“I should charge extra for the makeup I have to buy,” Kelly said to her reflection in the mirror. “I’m sure that discount store on campus knows girls like me need it.”

Girls like her – a concept that used to bother her, but had since lost meaning – had an unspoken rule about their illicit line of work at a place like Centerfield. First and foremost, it had to be a choice. Nobody who didn’t choose ever lasted long in the world of sex work, but that choice took on greater relevance for those who escorted as a means to an end.

Centerfield University was one of the most prominent schools in the country, attracting some of the most promising students. Kelly had been one of them and it had been her dream school since her freshman year of high school. She remembered cheering for a half-hour straight when she got accepted. However, getting good grades for four years of high school was the easy part. Paying for it proved much more challenging.

Centerfield University was a top tier school, but it was expensive, even by private school standards. Everyone who didn’t have a scholarship had to work a job or have rich parents who could pay the hefty tuition. Kelly didn’t have rich parents, nor did she have much in terms of college savings. She knew she’d have to work a job if she wanted to attend her dream school. She just didn’t think she’d end up being an escort, although in hindsight, it seemed inevitable.

There were a lot of factors that went into that choice, but she’d made it and had since stopped regretting it. Kelly didn’t dwell on it as she finished applying her balm.

“That should do it,” she said as she put her makeup away. “Time to earn my overpriced tuition.”

Kelly exited the bathroom and briefly checked her phone to see that she still had time. Her first client of the night had scheduled her for a standard-length session. He was a new client and while she usually didn’t see them first, he offered to pay extra and she needed every dollar her former track star body could earn.

That was the second and most frustrating rule of escorts around Centerfield. Anyone who had any desire to graduate with a degree and not be crippled by loan debt had to jump at every opportunity. Sometimes, that involved a scholarship or a well-paying side-job. Sometimes, that involved being an escort.

Centerfield already had a sordid reputation for the number of students working as escorts. Kelly learned shortly after she got into the business that the competition was fierce. Chances were there were other pretty girls serving clients tonight with an unspoken understanding of why students like her had to sell sex to pay the bills. It wasn’t that they had no choice. It was just the easiest, especially for someone who’d started filling out bras earlier than most girls.

Having naturally good looks was just part of what made a good escort, though. They also needed to actually enjoy sex, which Kelly certainly did. Granted, much of that was due to an overly horny ex-boyfriend who had gone to college on the other side of the country, but that experience had done enough to prepare her. She knew how to have sex, how to enjoy it, and how to be sexy. It made for a relatively easy transition into escorting.

Kelly needed easy at the moment, mostly because her first couple years at her dream school had been mired in uncertainty. She thought she knew what she wanted to do when she got accepted. She hoped to study business, get an MBA, and then start her own business one day. Then, she began taking classes and found out that it might not lead to the kind of career she’d hoped. To date, she still hadn’t figured out an alternative.

“I’ll need to justify that tuition soon,” Kelly muttered as she entered the elevator. “At some point, I need an actual dream to go along with my dream school.”

She could already hear her mother berating her for wanting to switch majors. She’d probably be more upset about that than she would if she found out she worked as an escort. Kelly chose not to tell her, opting to handle one difficult issue at a time. Checking her phone, she sat that it was almost time.

“Better save those dreams for later,” she said with more focus. “For now, I need get sexy.”

As the elevator ascended, Kelly adjusted her demeanor in preparation for her client. She let Roxy, the persona she marketed online, take over. Roxy wasn’t concerned about school, tuition, and her future career. She was just a horny young woman who looked good in a thong, loved to fuck, and needed money.

Strangely enough, being Roxy was probably the least complicated part of Kelly life. It didn’t involve complicated life choices. It just involved her taking her clothes off, putting on a sexy face, and having sex with men. It was both easy and lucrative, especially for someone who’d learned she had a sexy side at a young age.

“I am Roxy,” she told her reflection in the elevator door. “Go do your thing!”

A soon as the door opened, Kelly left all those uncertainties behind and made her way down the vacant hall to Room 622. Her client had texted her 15 minute ago, saying he was ready for her. She’d told him she would be there at eight o’clock sharp. As any competent escort knew, time was their second most precious commodity. Kelly made it a point not to waste a second of it, arriving at the door and waiting until the exact second to knock. That was her way of letting her clients know that she was both punctual and dedicated.

“Here we go again,” she said under her breath before embracing her Roxy persona.

Within seconds, the door opened and Kelly got her first glimpse of her new client.

“Good evening,” a man greeted. “I’m Marvin Herbert. Are you, Ms. Roxy?”

“That’s me, hun,” Kelly replied with a curt grin, “and just call me Roxy. That’ll make it easier.”

“I agree. If it helps, you can call me Marv.”

“I’ll call you whatever you want. That’s my job, right?”

“Right…I suppose,” he said sheepishly. “Please, come in, Roxy.”

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The Marv seemed friendly and unimposing enough. He didn’t look that much older than her, appearing to be in his early 30s or so. He was no athlete, standing less than six feet tall and having the kind of lanky frame that implied rarely got picked first in gym glass. He was also somewhat pale, wearing black khakis and a dress shirt that most men wore to an office. He reminded her someone who worked in the science department at Centerfield. Those people always dressed like they were going to a dinner party.

His smile and his demeanor didn’t set off any red flags. Feeling assured, Kelly entered the hotel room while Marv closed the door, putting the “do not disturb” sign on the doorknob in the process. She then casually approached the bed, making it a point to shake her hips in a seductive way, hoping to set the mood.

“Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Roxy,” Marv said after locking the door. “You mentioned you don’t see first-timers, as you call them. Believe it or not, you were the fifth person I contacted in my effort to set this up.”

“I believe it,” Kelly said. “Some girls are extra cautious with newcomers, but I’m willing to get a little daring here and there.”

“And I appreciate that. That’s why I tried to put extra into your uh…gift.”

Kelly noticed his eyes awkwardly shift to the envelope on the nightstand next to the bed. It contained her payment. As per the rules of basic escorting, money was not to be mentioned. It was just supposed to be there in plain sight for her to collect once their business was complete. The man seemed to understand that, but his inexperience in dealing with escorts really showed.

“No need to get nervous,” Kelly told him, now leaning back on her arms and giving him a seductive glance. “Don’t focus on the particulars. Let’s just get extra comfy on this chilly night.”

“I’d like that, Roxy,” Marv said in an oddly intrigued tone, “but there are a few details I’d like to share with you?”

“Oh? What kind?” she asked, wondering what sort of kinky tastes the man had.

“The kind that I hope will show the fruits of all my hard work. If all goes well, you’ll be the first one to experience it directly.”

Kelly, still trying to maintain her Roxy persona, cast the older man a strange look. He still hadn’t set off any red flags, but he was getting close. She didn’t get the impression he was role playing or anything like that. He seemed both serious and excited, although she wasn’t sure it had anything to do with her presence.

As she sat back on the bed, Marv approached her with an eagerness that reminded her of a man who’d just bought a fancy new car. It felt as though her being an escort didn’t even matter to him. It heightened her suspicions, but it also sparked her curiosity.

“You see, I’m a lead researcher at the Centerfield science labs,” Marv went on. “I’ve got two masters degrees, one in biology and one in bioengineering. I’m also working on my PHD.”

“Wow. That’s impressive,” Kelly remarked, “so I may end up calling you Dr. Herbert?”

“If all goes well, you just might at some point,” he said with a humored grin. “For the past five years, I’ve been conducting research on a new generation of medical implants. It’s a growing field with exciting application and I’m not just talking about pacemakers. We’re getting to a point where we can create targeted implants for localized, precise treatment of defective tissues.”

Kelly kept smiling, but almost ended up laughing. Marv sounded way too energetic for someone talking about science, a topic she know or care much about. Even though she’d gotten a B-plus in all her science classes, she had never encountered someone who got so giddy about it. It was kind of cute, but still pretty odd, even by escort standards.

“That sounds fascinating,” Kelly said, pretending to be turned on by it.

“It is!” Marv continued. “I’ve spent the last several years, trying to push things forward faster. I’ve annoyed a few people and I’m told my people skills are average at best, but I’m willing to pay that price for my work.”

“That kind of dedication is admirable, Marv.”

“It’s also the easiest part, unfortunately. I must have done something right because I finally managed to get a prototype built. Unfortunately, making a prototype and testing it are two different things. The process for rat trials, alone, is excruciating and I’d rather not wait that long. Some leaps in science require extra risks and I think this is one of them.”

There was a strange glint in his eye. Kelly had never seen anything like it and for an experienced escort, that was saying something. She ceased being suspicious, no longer suspecting that there was something dangerous at play. She found herself genuinely interested in what the man had to show her.

“But enough talk,” Marv said. “I understand our time is limited so why don’t I show you?”

That glint never left his eye as he stood before her at the foot of the bed, undid the belt buckle on his pants, and pulled them down, along with his boxers. He then stepped out of his dress shoes and took a step back, giving Kelly an unobstructed view of his penis. She tried not to react too strongly, but even an experienced escort took notice when a man just exposed his genitals to a stranger.

Near as she could tell, Marv had a fairly average endowment. Having been an escort for over a year, Kelly had seen all sorts of shapes, sizes, and configurations in male genitalia. Some were more noteworthy than others, but Marv didn’t appear to have any distinguishing features. He seemed very casual about it, which was uncommon for men who didn’t regularly sleep with beautiful women. She still gave him a sexy smile, though, if only to maintain the mood.

“I see,” she said teasingly. “Is this related to your work?”

“Very much so,” Marv affirmed. “I don’t know how big you are on science, but I hope you watch closely. You’re about to witness a true scientific breakthrough!”

With an eager grin and a confident poise, he pressed a button on his watch, which looked like an ordinary watch from a distance. Kelly wasn’t sure what to expect. For all she knew, it could’ve turned him into a werewolf. However, within second of pushing that button, she saw something happen with his penis.

In a sight that defied everything Kelly thought she knew about male anatomy, Marv’s penis went from completely flaccid to fully erect in just a few seconds. It got so hard so quickly, as though it were a light switch. He didn’t touch it or shift his demeanor in any way. He just got hard in a way that would’ve made a male porn star jealous. At that point, she didn’t even have to pretend to be impressed.

“Wow!” Kelly gasped. “What exactly just happened?”

“The culmination of some very dedicated, admittedly kinky research,” Marv answered proudly.

“Um…care to be more specific?” she asked, still processing the sight.

“It would take way too long to go over the technical specs. Simply put, I surgically installed a biomechanical implant into my penis and treated the surrounding tissue with a synthetic substrate of programmable bio matter to facilitate external excitation of specific peripheral nervous responses.”

“That’s…still too technical.”

“Well, in exceedingly unscientific terms, I gave my penis a cybernetic implant. You are looking at, to my knowledge, the first cybernetic penis in history.”

Kelly blinked a few times, needing more than a few moments to process what she’d just heard. She knew what the word cybernetic meant and she knew what a penis was, more so than most young women. The idea of putting them together never even crossed her mind.

It sounded like a joke, one she wouldn’t have even laughed at had she’d not seen what she just saw. The idea that she, a finically-challenged college student who did sex work on the side, was the first woman to ever see a cybernetic penis was pretty jarring. It was also kind of neat…if not intriguing in a kinky sort of way.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Marv. I’m kind of at a loss here,” Kelly said, still trying to process the implications.

“Take all the time you need, Roxy,” said Marv with a humored look on his face, “but in the interest exploring those implications, I should probably show you this too.”

As her mouth hung open in astonishment, the unassuming man pushed another button on his watch. Then, she heard a very low-pitched humming sound that came directly from Marv’s penis. Still standing with the pride of a man who’d just won the Olympics, he took a step forward so that his dick was right in here face.

“Here,” he told her. “Touch it.”

That might have been the most polite request Kelly had ever heard in her time as an escort. She’d never obliged so willingly or eagerly, for that matter. As soon as she placed her hand on the fully-erect member, she felt it vibrating in her hand.

Again, Kelly needed a moment to process the situation. In her hand was a live penis, attached to a man and appearing completely normal from the outside, and it was vibrating. It vibrated with the same subtle, yet noticeable intensity she’d felt in a numerous sex toys. Having owned more than one vibrator in her life, she could tell the difference between cheap and premium vibrations. From the looks of it, Marv invested heavily in quality.

“Wow,” Kelly said as she held his cock in her hand. “I know I said that already, but it’s worth saying again. Wow!”

“Say it as many times as you need to,” Marv told her. “From a scientific perspective, your reaction counts as promising results.

“I’m not entirely sure on my perspective right now. I’m also no scientist, but if I’m making the right connections here…you actually operated on your own dick?”

“Well, I did say that great leaps in science require risk,” he said in a bemused tone. “I figured it would be too difficult to find a man who would agree to such a procedure. So I volunteered myself.”

“That takes an obscene amount of balls!” Kelly said. “Wait, you didn’t operate on those too?”

“No, I didn’t,” he laughed. “The procedure wasn’t as extensive or messy as you think. I won’t say it was comfortable, but a good scientist is willing to endure for his work.”

“I think you’ve officially raised the bar for every scientist in the world.”

“And I’d like to raise it even more,” Marv told her. “To do that, though, I require a more complete test.”

The tone in his voice took on a more sensual subtext. Kelly didn’t need a masters degrees to figure out what he meant by it. She was an escort, last she checked, and she had planned on having sex with him at some point during their session. She just didn’t expect it to take on such a strange new context.

Marv almost seemed anxious after making his request. He obviously didn’t have much experience in seducing women, though. Kelly could hear the awkwardness in his tone. Looking up at him, though, his vibrating dick still in her hand, she flashed him a gaze that let him know it worked.

“A test huh?” she said with a lurid grin. “Well, in the interest of science, sign me up!”

“Glad to hear you’re so excited about my work,” Marv said as he loosened his tie. “Just to be sure, is there any particular way you’d like to go about it? For this test to work, I want you to feel comfortable.”

“Don’t worry about my comfort, Marv. I’m a professional, remember?”

Her enthusiasm for science growing by the second, Kelly got up from the bed and shed her clothes. She didn’t try to be sexy about it, either. She just took off her clothes in quick succession, starting with her shirt and pants before slipping out of her bra and panties. Marv barely finished unbuttoning his dress shirt by the time she stood fully naked in front of him.

Despite carrying himself as a passionate man of science, he was still a man. He smiled and blushed as he took in her naked features, paying close attention to her breasts and hips. She swore that already-erect dick of his twitched at her presence. She took that as a promising sign.

“You’re uh…very beautiful, Roxy,” Marv said, fumbling a bit with his shirt as he set it aside.

“Thanks,” she told him. “I’m hope that’ll make things easier.”

“It will. It definitely will,” he said, sounding more like a guy not used to being around naked women. “For the record, though, it’s been quite a while since I’ve been with a woman. My sexual experience is fairly limited, so to speak.”

“Then, why don’t you let me handle the parameters here?” she offered. “I know all the basic and advanced-level stuff involving sex. I promise I’ll give that dick of yours a very thorough test.”

Marv cast her a grin with renewed confidence. He still seemed somewhat awkward, especially after she pulled him into an embrace wherein their naked flesh touched. He might not have been the tallest or most masculine figure she’d ever embraced, but he still carried himself with an energy and passion any woman would find attractive. That, on top of the prospect of fucking the first man with a cybernetic dick, got her genuinely aroused.

“Lie down on the bed,” Kelly told him. “I’ll set the mood. Just focus on sharing it with me.”

“Focus…that may be a greater challenge than I thought,” Marv said as he nervously trailed his hands up her womanly curves.

“Then, I’ll help you overcome it.”

Her confident, seductive tone helped settle him down. His trust in her skills secured, he crawled onto the bed and laid down as she’d requested. Kelly followed him, flashing him a few sexy glances along the way. She usually had to maintain a sexy demeanor to keep her client excited, especially the nervous types. From the looks of it, though, that wouldn’t be an issue with Marv. That cybernetic dick of his remained as erect as ever.

Kelly felt it press against her as she got on top of him, hovering over the slim man so that her breasts pressed up against his chest.

“I’m going to kiss you, touch you, and give your dick a quick suck,” she told him. “Normally, I do that to get a guy hard. That might be redundant in this case, but I think it’ll help if we keep the approach basic.”

“Yes. That sounds…logical,” he said.

“Is it scientific, as well?”

“I’m…not sure I can make that assessment.”

Kelly snickered. It was remarkable how a man with a cybernetic penis could still be so anxious while in an overtly sexual situation. She was used to men being intimidated by the prospect of having sex with a woman, but Marv handled it better than most. When she kissed him on the lips, he kissed back in a way that felt sincere. That, alone, made him more decent than most clients.

For a brief moment, they made out, giving Marv a chance to feel up her naked body, even giving her butt a playful squeeze. After tasting each other’s lips – and getting around however many breath mints he’d eaten before her arrival – Kelly channeled her inner Roxy, trailing her lips down his neck and over his chest.

His slim build didn’t have much in terms of muscle, but his skin was still so smooth and warm. What Marv lacked in physical stature, he made up for in good grooming. That counted for something in Kelly’s book. It encouraged her to be extra caring with each gesture, tasting every inch of his skin while gliding her hands down his torso.

“That feels…nice,” said Marv with growing contentment. “You really are a professional, Roxy.”

“I’m just getting warmed up, cyber-stud,” she teased.

He chuckled at her choice of words, but didn’t contest them. If his test really was successful, then that might end up being an apt description.

Sharing his intent to complete that test, Kelly worked her sensual magic, making her way down his torso until she reached that fully-engorged, scientifically-enhanced penis of his. It was still vibrating, the veins throbbing with an energy that wasn’t at all nature, but still very sensual.

“This is uncharted territory in the history of sex,” she found herself saying. “Well, in the name of science and progress, here I go!”

Now feeling like the Neil Armstrong of whores, Kelly carefully caressed the vibrating member with both hands and took it into her mouth. Almost immediate, Marv gasped blissfully at the feeling, his body shifting under the weight of the feeling. If nothing else, that showed that his penis was still as sensitive to touch as any other. However, there were some uncanny distinctions.

“Mmm…this dick,” she said after a few oral teases. “It feels so different.”

“Different how?” Marv asked intently.

“Good different,” Kelly told him. “Very good, in fact!”

She resumed her sucking, squeezing the base a bit more and working her lips along his rigid length with more vigor. As someone who had given oral sex to many men, Kelly knew the intricacies of a penis better than most women. She’d sucked dicks that were too sensitive and others that were not sensitive enough, leaving her with a sore jaw the next day. Every man was different and the extent of their desires rarely matched the robustness of their cock.

With Marv, however, there was no disconnect. Every vein, gland, and contour practically radiated with energy. The fact that it vibrated added even more nuance, as if to remind her that she wasn’t sucking an ordinary dick. If anything, the dicks she’d sucked before had been the beta version, bound by the limitations of anatomy and easily distracted men.

It was like every other cock she’d sucked before had been powered by a crank shaft and Marv’s now powered by a high-performance V8 engine. It was like going from a tricycle to a drag racer. The idea that a penis could be that aroused was enough to make Kelly extra wet, the prospect of feeling it inside her getting more appealing by the second.

As she bobbed her up and down his length, she reached down between her thighs and fondled her pussy in preparation for sex. It usually took a lot more to get her in the mood when her client wasn’t as attractive as the men she fantasized about in the shower. That was why she often kept lube within reaching distance of the bed. She didn’t need any with Marv.

Besides, for such a landmark test, it made sense to keep things natural. In the name of science and great sex, Kelly was willing to take chances too.

“Are you ready for the real test, Marv?” she asked after giving his dick one last thorough lick.

“I’m ready,” he said, breathless yet eager, no longer showing any signs of jitters.

“Then, I’m going to get on top and ride your cock,” Kelly told him.

“And how will I know if it’s working?” Marv asked her.

“Trust me. You’ll know!”

The sexy undertone of her voice told him everything he needed to know. Kelly was just as eager to see what a cybernetic dick could do for a woman. If it could satisfy her, an experienced escort with a promiscuous past, then the prospects were that much greater for all women.

Crawling back on top of him, Kelly straddled the slim man’s pelvis and aligned his still-vibrating cock with the wet entrance of her pussy. Just feeling the vibrating tip over her moist folds was enough to send shivers of delight. She couldn’t remember being so eager to fuck a client before and she’d served star athletes from the basketball team. Her arousal, excitement, and kinky curiosity left her with no reservations as she began the most intimate part of the test.

Holding onto his torso with both hands, Kelly steadily lowered her hips, the extra-hard flesh penetrating her depths with every inch. Almost immediately, she felt a distinct difference between Marv’s dick and every other dick she’d ever had inside her. It wasn’t just that it was vibrating or super-erect, either. The way his manhood filled her depths redefined her understanding of the basics of sex and in the best possible way.

“Whoa!” Kelly exclaimed. “It feels…oh my god, I don’t have words!”

“Mmm…I feel it too,” Marv said, now holding onto her hips.

“Trust me, Marv. What I’m feeling now…it’s a fucking breakthrough!”

She didn’t give Marv a chance to ask for specifics. Being a man of science, he probably would’ve asked for some, even while having sex with a beautiful woman. Kelly wasn’t in any state for questions, though. She was too busy being the first woman in history to fuck a cybernetic dick.

She embraced that role whole-heartedly, moving her body and gyrating her hips in a heated sexual rhythm. She was usually more measured with her clients, starting slow and trying to get a feel for what they liked. For Marv, a man equipped with an unnaturally robust penis, Kelly didn’t hold back. She was focused and determined, as though she were fucking the most important man in the world. Given the promise of the technology he’d developed, that might not be far from the truth.

That technology did plenty to deliver. Between his dick being extra hard and the vibrations within it, he stimulated her depths with every motion. He struck nerves that most women couldn’t reach with even the most overpriced vibrator. It was like every other dick had a limit to how much it could satisfy a woman, but Marv’s cyber-dick shattered those limits and soared above them like a rocket.

“Oh…oohhh my God! Oh my fucking God!” Kelly gasped. “That feels amazing! This dick…so fucking hot!”

“Roxy,” Marv gasped. “These results…so good.”

“Fuck yeah, they’re good! They’re going to…make me…come!”

That shouldn’t have been possible so quickly. Every escort – or even just a woman who received marginal sex education, for that matter – knew that women didn’t orgasm as easily as men. It often took longer, more focused stimulation to get the job done. It rarely just happened by putting a penis into a vagina.

Those rules were out the window with Marv, though. That surgically-enhanced, steadily vibrating dick of his hit all the right spots, along with a few Kelly didn’t know existed. The end result was the quickest, most intense orgasm she’d ever felt.

“Ohhh science!” she exclaimed.

“Roxy!” Marv moaned.

It was like a pleasure bomb going off in her core, an eruption of orgasmic sensations spreading out in every direction. Kelly closed her eyes, threw her head back, and demonstrated more flexibility than she knew she had as she cried out to the heavens in ecstasy.

For a brief moment, every nerve was ablaze with pleasure. Every muscle in her lower body throbbed in conjunction with her release. It was so intense that she dug her nails into Marv’s torso to hold on. She’d probably leave marks that would take some time to heal, but he didn’t seem to mind. He’d already made clear his commitment to testing his research.

“Incredible!” Marv exclaimed. “This test…has exceeded expectations.”

“Trust me,” Kelly said breathlessly, “It exceeded more than that.”

Now beaming with an orgasmic glow, she leaned in and gave the older man an affectionate kiss. A man who gave a woman that kind of pleasure deserved nothing less. Marv, still looking overwhelmed by the results, kissed back. He was actually a great kisser, which helped give more weight to the feeling.

Even as the ecstasy subsided, his member remained fully erect. It was still vibrating inside her as well, providing continued stimulation to her depths. She had to rise up off it, just to give her pussy a rest. However, Kelly wasn’t done yet. There were still a few things left to test.

“I think we can officially say that a cybernetic dick works,” she said after their lips parted.

“Yes, I believe the data speaks for itself,” Marv said in a humored tone.

“You’ve got something that a woman can ride to a good orgasm. That, alone, is a damn good upgrade,” Kelly went on. “Now, let’s flip the script.”

With a seductive grin, she rolled their bodies over on the bed so that she was on her back and Marv was on top of her. He was still catching his breath, but she could see in his eyes as a lingering desire, both to finish the test and have sex with a beautiful woman.

“This time, you set the tone,” she told him. “Fuck me however you want to fuck me. See for yourself what that dick of yours can do.”

“That sounds…logical,” Marv said. “Although, given my limited experience, I may only be able to take it so far.”

“That’s okay. Hell, that can work to your advantage. Most men are more limited by their dicks than their desire. You may be the first man in history who isn’t bound by those limits. Embrace it!”

A look of confidence came over him. In an instant, the unassuming man had the bravado of a six-and-a-half foot tall rock star with an eleven-inch cock. Kelly even found it sexy. It was more than enough to keep her pussy moist and ready for more sex.

“Very well,” he said. “I suppose I’ll finish the test from here.”

“Science never sounded so sexy,” Kelly laughed.

Armed with his new confidence, Marv rose into an upright position so that he was on his knees. Kelly, remaining flat on her back, spread her legs widely so that he had plenty of room to work. He made good use of it, grabbing hold of her thighs just above the knees and guiding his dick back into her pussy.

The entrance was smooth, aided by all the feminine juices she’d released from her climax. Marv’s dick was still vibrating as well, which kept those juices flowing. She let out a purr of contentment upon feeling his flesh inside her again. She saw just as much contentment in Marv’s expression. Now bearing the look of a man immersed in lust and desire, she held onto his shoulders for what promised to be an unprecedented exercise in sexual nuance.

“That’s it, Marv. Fuck me!” Kelly urged him. “Fuck me with that science-enhanced dick!”

Marv responded only with a deep grunt before initiating a sexual rhythm. He kept things basic, utilizing a simple missionary position to get things going. That made sense. If they were going to test the bounds of cybernetic dicks, it made sense to keep things simple.

From there, Marv worked his body, moving his hips in a steady procession of sexual motions. With every act, his vibrating manhood slithered inside her vagina, probing and stimulating her depths. A fresh round of sensations coursed through her body, evoking moans and purrs of delight. Now clinging to his shoulders, Kelly sought to embrace a new era of ecstasy with him.

“Oohhh Roxy!” he said. “That feels…amazing. I’m going to…achieve climax…soon.”

“Already?” Kelly teased.

“Don’t worry. I’m not stopping…the test!”

He didn’t give her a chance to make a joke about premature ejaculation. Kelly reminded herself that she was fucking a man with a cybernetic dick. For all she knew, that was the first flaw Marv fixed when he made his prototype.

He stepped up the pace for a brief moment. Then, he slowed his movements, his expression shifted, and his body shuddered under the weight of his release. Kelly made sure he enjoyed it as much as she enjoyed hers, spreading her legs extra wide – more so than she did with her other clients. She could feel it as that big, throbbing cock of his tensed inside her depths in accord with his release. Marv wasn’t quite as vocal as she’d been, but the results were just as clear.

“Wow!” he gasped. “That is…unprecedented.”

“Not the word I would use,” Kelly laughed, “but still plenty sexy!”

Marv laughed as well, lingering for a moment in the ecstasy, but soon resumed their sex. There was no refractory period. His dick didn’t go limp, even by a little. He just kept on going as though it were nothing.

It was a strange phenomenon for an experienced escort. While Kelly had been with a few men who could go multiple rounds in a brief span of time, they had to work extra hard to rise to the occasion, so to speak. With Marv, there was no need. His dick remained at full-throttle, limited only by his desire to use it.

“This…is going to test my stamina,” Kelly said to herself.

From there, she held on as Marv kept fucking her with superhuman fortitude. He kept the rhythm steady and movements thorough, making an effort to work his flesh within hers. He didn’t just pound away, as so many men often did, but Kelly wouldn’t have blamed him if he did.

Making good use of her efforts and the sturdy hotel bed, she and Marv went at it. Their naked bodies moved and grinded together in a mesh of lust and intent. His dick kept vibrating, her pussy kept throbbing, and the pleasure kept flowing, unburdened by prohibitive anatomy. It led to her having another orgasm – once again, in rapid time. She felt him climax as well shortly after. It wasn’t just a single plunge into a pool of ecstasy. It was like taking multiple dips.

“More data…more results,” Marv moaned after yet another orgasm.

“Yes, Marv! More…give me more!” Kelly exclaimed.

Her encouragement kept him going. They shifted around on the bed, having sex in various positions. They couldn’t get too elaborate, though. She could tell Marv was not used to so much physical exertion. Even with an enhanced dick, the man was no athlete. She shuddered to think how much he could fuck if he went to the gym regularly, albeit in the best possible way.

Before long, Kelly lost track of how long they went at it or how many orgasms she’d had. It was definitely over the allotted time he paid her for, but she didn’t care. She didn’t even plan to bring it up. The man had done more than enough to justify the overtime. In fact, as she felt the rush of yet another orgasm, Kelly found herself coming to some realizations that were only possible under the weight of good sex.

“This feeling…need to know more,” she said.

Marv didn’t hear that. At that point, he was so winded that his face dripped with sweat. Eventually, after another release, he collapsed on top of her in a heap of exhaustion. She ended up having to catch him so that he didn’t slump over awkwardly. It was probably a good thing too because her pussy had reached its limits too. She was definitely going to be sore tomorrow, but for all the right reasons.

When the sexual movements finally ceased, Kelly helped him settle. She laid him down on his side where he could catch his breath. She laid next to him, needing some time as well. At one point, he pushed a button on his watch again, which he hadn’t taken off. Just as before, his dick reacted, quickly becoming flaccid.

For a while, they just lingered in silence, taking time to process the moment. Usually, the post-coital silence was the most awkward part of being an escort. Tonight was different, though. In fact, it was quite revealing.

“I’ll say it one more time…wow!” Kelly said. “Marvin Herbert, you’ve made one hell of a breakthrough.”

“So it would seem,” he said, still panting heavily. “The test…was successful. This bodes very well for my research.”

“You have no idea,” she replied, “and I’m not just saying that on behalf of all women who love great sex.”

“What do you mean?”

Kelly then curled up closer, the heat of their naked bodies mixing once more. She smiled at him and he smiled back, still bearing the demeanor of a man who wasn’t used to being with a naked woman.

He still had the look of a man who understood that they’d just achieved something special. In fact, tonight might very well mark a change in history of sex, as well as a profound change in Kelly’s plans.

“An hour ago, I was just an escort trying to pay my tuition. I had no major, no goal, and no career path, whatsoever,” she told him. “That all changed, thanks to you.”

“I’m honored,” Marv said, “but I’m not sure I understand the implications.”

“You will. I promise, you will,” she said with great confidence, “because tomorrow morning, I’m heading down to the Centerfield Science Office and changing my major. I’m going to dedicate the rest of my life to science and all the ways it can make sex great.”

“That sounds rather ambitious.”

“Not as much as you think,” Kelly quipped. “The way I see it…if this is what science can do for a penis, I can’t wait to see what it can do for vaginas!”

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Religious Dogma, Sexual Repression, And How They Foster (Horrendous) Abuse

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By now, most people have heard the news surrounding the latest round of scandals involving the Catholic Church. Once again, it involves the systematic abuse of children, the elaborate efforts to cover it up, and the religious dogma that is used to protect such behavior. It’s certainly not the first time the Catholic Church has been embroiled in such a scandal, but that doesn’t make it any less distressing.

There’s a lot I can say about the Catholic Church and how badly they’ve handled this issue. There’s even more I can say about how this famous institution’s policies have caused genuine harm in societies that remain devoted to Catholic traditions. However, I would only be repeating what others have already pointed out and I’d rather not do that.

Some have already done it better than I ever will.

For me, personally, these scandals cut deep because I have family who identify as devout Catholics. They see these same scandals too and I can confirm that it hurts them on a personal level. Whenever someone brings it up, they don’t make excuses. They despise those priests for what they did and those who covered it up. It doesn’t shake their faith, though. To some extent, I admire that.

At the same time, however, I often wonder whether they see the same flaws in that dogmatic theology that I see. I try not to bring it up with family members, out of respect for their faith. I still believe that even they are bothered by those flaws. When children are being sexually abused, how could it not?

There are a lot of factors in play with this latest scandal, from the nature of religious dogma to the corruption of powerful institutions. The one that few want to confront, though, involves the cumulative impact of sexual repression with rigid theology.

There’s no way around it. Religious dogma and sexual repression often go together. The Catholic Church is hardly the only institution that encourages strict repression of sexual behavior. Anyone living in Saudi Arabia or Iran can attest to that. With a billion adherents and nearly 2,000 years of history, though, the Catholic Church is one of the largest and most vocal proponents of this dogma.

The reasons for that are many and I don’t want to get into all the issues surrounding its effects. Instead, I want to focus solely on the celibacy of the priests. That practice represents a true extreme of sexual repression. It’s one thing to champion monogamy to the point of murdering adulterers. It’s quite another to have an entire class of people who have to completely repress their basic urges.

It’s not like trying to quit smoking, which is hard enough. This involves denying a basic, fundamental drive that is hardwired into people at birth. Trying to turn that off is like trying make sugar taste bad. It goes against fundamental biological wiring. The idea that someone can repress those force without incurring psychological damage is flawed, at best.

To get an idea of why, think about a time when you were really hungry. Maybe you were sick for a while, trapped on a long road trip, or went on a crash diet. That feeling of intense hunger is not something you can turn off. It’s uncomfortable for a reason. Your body isn’t getting something it’s been hardwired to seek. It’s going to make you feel uncomfortable until you do something about it.

The human sex drive is not like hunger, but it’s similar in that it’s a biological drive. For every living thing, be it a human or an insect, sustenance and reproduction are the two most basic drives. It is possible to survive without reproducing, but the fundamental forces of nature are going to push you to try.

When you push back too hard, it’s like trying to patch a faulty dam with scotch tape and chewing gum. From a psychological standpoint, your brain and your body are deprived. As a result, it’s going to do whatever it can to alleviate this deprivation.

It doesn’t matter if that act is extreme. It doesn’t matter if it’s illogical, illegal, or outright immoral. Your brain and your body will find a way to justify it if it ends the deprivation. For most, it’s just a never-ending battle that requires an individual to fill that missing need with something, which in this case is religious fervor.

It’s debatable as to how much this fills that fundamental need, but a lot of that assumes that celibate priests don’t do something in their private time to relieve the tension. Historically speaking, many in the Catholic Church and other powerful institutions were pretty blatant about how they circumvented the issues of celibacy.

Some priests had lovers on the side. Some employed prostitutes and concubines, but still claimed to be “celibate” because they weren’t married. More often than not, priests were only celibate in the most technical sense and the church often tolerated this. Even St. Thomas Aquinas, a man not known for liberal attitudes, even acknowledged the futility of suppressing the human sex drive when he said this about prostitution.

“If prostitution were to be suppressed, careless lusts would overthrow society.”

For a select few, though, that effort to maintain celibacy manifests in a truly horrific way. I think it’s safe to conclude that the priests who abused these children were not mentally well. Many might have been unwell before they entered the priesthood, but celibacy certainly didn’t help. Repression, especially the kind that’s taboo to even talk about, tends to make things worse.

That’s how people end up with mentalities that are poorly equipped to handle basic urges. Instead of a healthy expression of sexual desire, someone may react with anger or self-hate. When people are angry and hateful, they tend to take it out on someone. It’s not always sexual, but when someone has all their sexual desires pent up over the years, sometimes it seeps in.

That’s how simple desire becomes disturbing fetishes, including those that harm children. That’s how unthinkable behaviors are rationalized. When religious dogma tells someone they face divine retribution for feeling these intrinsic desires, that’s causes serious distress and efforts to mitigate it can make for some pretty unholy behaviors

While it’s hard to study the sex lives of celibate priests, the occurrence of these scandals along with the historical documentation of other lurid scandals reveal plenty about the effects of celibacy. When there’s no outlet for sexual expression, other emotions get caught up in the efforts to cope with that fundamental drive. Add religiously-motivated guilt to the mix and the impact only compounds over time.

None of this is an excuse for what those priests did to these children. They still committed an atrocity and no amount of divine excuses can mitigate the suffering of the victims. The Vatican will do what it has to do in order to maintain its power and influence. However, the reconsideration of extreme practices celibacy is unlikely.

Some media figures will mention it, but never to the point of encouraging serious reforms. That’s a dirty word in both the Catholic Church and any other religious institution. Historically speaking, the rate at which major religion institutions undergo sweeping reforms is nothing short of glacial.

I sincerely hope this latest scandal gives those in the Vatican serious pause, but I have a feeling that even this won’t do it. Religious dogma is notoriously uncompromising. People, especially within powerful institutions, make any excuse to avoid changing it. While the Vatican has made some strides, the fundamental issue remains. As long as basic human nature is suppressed, more will suffer and not in a holy sort of way.

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Filed under Current Events, gender issues, human nature, psychology, religion, sex in society, sexuality

Defending The NFL In A No-Win Situations

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Are you excited for the start of the 2018 NFL season? Actually, let me add a caveat to that question. Are you excited for the 2018 NFL season despite all the recent controversy? That’s probably the more relevant question these days, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Let’s face it. These days, nobody seems to be talking about whether Tom Brady’s age will finally catch up with him or whether the Cleveland Browns will actually win a game after their historically bad season last year. Instead, anytime football or the NFL is mentioned, it’s usually in the context of a major controversy or social outrage.

First, it was the NFL’s weak stance on domestic violence after the Ray Rice situation.

Then, it was the NFL’s policy on the nation anthem in wake of Colin Kaepernick’s kneeling protest and the subsequent clash with the President that followed.

Then, it was the NFL’s declining ratings and the various reasons why.

Then, it was the NFL’s handling of multiple scandals involving the treatment of its cheerleaders.

Then, it was the NFL’s implementation of rule changes that many are saying will destroy the game.

In the midst of all of these controversies/scandals, the NFL is also dealing with an emerging health crisis involving player safety. Concerns about concussions and serious injuries, like the one Ryan Shazier suffered, are doing more than just making football look dangerous. It’s creating a cultural divide, of sorts, where people are distancing themselves from the sport and the violence it requires to play.

In this web of convoluted circumstances, the NFL rarely comes off as looking good. In fact, some are going so far as to put the NFL on the same level as the tobacco companies as an organization that willingly sells a dangerous product. At that point, the NFL comes off as less a professional sports league and more an evil corporation.

Now, here’s the part where I’m sure I’ll upset plenty of people, but that’s kind of the underlying point here. That’s because I’m about to defend the NFL. I’m also going to defend NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, to some extent. I know that’s akin to saying nice things about Monsanto these days, but I’m willing to take that chance.

I do this as someone who loves football and is genuinely excited about the upcoming NFL season. At the same time, I’m not blind to all the controversies and outrage the NFL has generated over the past few years. However, I feel it’s necessary to put things into a proper context.

First and foremost, it’s important to understand that the NFL, Roger Goodell, and everyone involved in the infrastructure of football are in the ultimate no-win situation. Take a moment to think about the decisions they’ve had to make over the past few years.

If they chose to discipline Colin Kaepernick for his anthem protest, they would’ve upset a huge contingent of people who supported his message. By doing what they did, they still upset a huge contingent of fans who did not agree with him.

If they chose not to implement the recent rule changes, then they would be criticized for undermining player safety. By doing what they did, they’ve been accused of undermining the game.

When it comes to ratings decline, any side can take credit and cast all the blame on the NFL and Roger Goodell. Those on the conservative side will take credit for lower ratings over the anthem protests. Those on the liberal side will take credit because of concerns about concussions and violence. Never mind the fact that the ratings decline coincided with an overall trend in TV viewing. It’s still all the NFL and Roger Goodell’s fault.

Even when they come out and apologize for a mistake, nobody even accepts it. After the debacle surrounding the Ray Rice incident, Roger Goodell came out and issued an apology. These are his exact words:

“At times, however, and despite our best efforts, we fall short of our goals. We clearly did so in response to a recent incident of domestic violence. We allowed our standards to fall below where they should be and lost an important opportunity to emphasize our strong stance on a critical issue and the effective programs we have in place. My disciplinary decision led the public to question our sincerity, our commitment, and whether we understood the toll that domestic violence inflicts on so many families. I take responsibility both for the decision and for ensuring that our actions in the future properly reflect our values. I didn’t get it right. Simply put, we have to do better. And we will.”

Break that down and imagine anyone else saying it. How rare is it these days to hear any public figure admit they got something wrong? It still didn’t matter, though. People just didn’t buy it, claiming Goodell was just saying what he needed to say to stop the outrage.

That may have been true to some degree, since he is the face of a very popular, very profitable organization. However, by assuming that he and the NFL are completely insincere, it creates a no-win situation. For any person or company, especially one built on the win/lose nature of sports, that’s an impossible standard.

Honestly, and I’m being sincere about this, what could the NFL possibly do to placate everyone at this point? They’re not a government, an army, or your best friend. They’re a professional sports league. Yes, they’re the most popular and profitable sports league in the United States, but they’re still limited to what they are.

Is it really reasonable to expect the NFL to be on the front lines of serious issues like domestic violence, police brutality, and what constitutes patriotism? Again, they’re a professional sports league. They can only control the rules, regulations, and business of their sport.

In that sense, it’s reasonable to expect them to make the game safer. That’s exactly what the new rule that so many says will destroy football is intended to do. Considering that college football already has that rule, it’s not like these changes to the game are unprecedented.

This isn’t even the first time significant rule changes have been bemoaned in the NFL. There was a time when a simple rule change involving how defensive players could operate was going to ruin the game and destroy the league. That time was in 1978 and football only went onto become more popular after that.

Even if injuries are a reasonable concern, do those caused by football warrant more scrutiny than other sports? Statistically speaking, skiing is much more dangerous in terms of actually killing people. In terms of injury and head trauma, boxing has a much higher risk. Why aren’t there any ongoing efforts to condemn those sports for their violence and physical harm?

Some of that has to do with the NFL being so big. Mark Cuban, who owns the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, once said “Pigs get fat. Hogs get slaughtered.” He’s half right in that the size and influence of an organization can make it an easy target. The NFL is just so visible compared to other leagues. Anything that happens to it is bound to gain attention, both the good and bad kind.

The problem is the bad tends to be a lot louder in the era of social media and outrage culture. That further raises the impossible standards even higher because it means those dissatisfied with the NFL’s decision, no matter how much a minority they are, will still make plenty of noise and generate plenty of headlines.

Is that a fair standard for a professional sports league? Is that a fair standard for anyone? If the NFL can’t meet those standards, then what incentive do they have to even try? Why should they be responsible for player safety or social issues if people are just going to be upset with them regardless of what they do?

At the end of the day, the NFL is a business. They still want to make money entertaining people with their sport. They have plenty of incentive to protect their players. New advances in helmets and pads will make the game safer. Advances in medicine are already mitigating the effects of concussions. It’s not going to happen all at once, but if anyone has the resources and clout to make it happen, it’s the NFL.

Now, none of this is to imply that the NFL or Roger Goodell don’t deserve criticism. They certainly do. Up until 2015, the NFL was a tax-exempt organization. It’s history of overcharging fans and screwing over injured players is well-documented. They have their flaws. All people and organizations do.

That’s all the more reason to hold the NFL to a reasonable standard with reasonable expectations. They’re still going to screw up every now and then, but that’s also why we should make an effort to accept their apologies. That’s also why we shouldn’t panic every time there’s a rule change.

The NFL, like all sports leagues, is evolving. The latest rule changes aren’t going to destroy the game. Football is still going to be popular because it’s an entertaining game. People are going to gravitate towards fun and entertaining things, despite or even because of their concerns.

At the end of the day, football is a sport and the NFL is a professional sports league. They want to entertain us. We want to be entertained. Why complicate that with impossible standards and no-win situations?

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Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Beach Wedding Edition

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When I was a kid, I didn’t care for weddings. To me, they were just large family gatherings with strange food, itchy clothes, and no playground. While I appreciated big parties and celebrating love, I just didn’t enjoy them for what they were. As I got older, though, my attitude changed.

As I write this, I am still bathing in the afterglow of the first beach wedding I ever attended. A very old friend of mine who has known me since I was three-years-old got married in a beautiful ceremony that left few dry eyes and not just because of the ocean air. It was definitely more memorable than any of the weddings I attended as a kid.

Out of respect for my friend’s privacy, I won’t go into too many details. I’ll just say that when it comes to forging a joyous occasion on the beach in the middle of summer, my family really goes all out. It was so much fun on top of being sweet, sincere, and memorable. It’s the kind of wedding that would make even the most hardened of souls feel the power of love.

Rather than randomly quote songs by Huey Lewis and the News, I’m just going to dedicate this week’s edition of Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts to weddings and those lucky enough to celebrate them on the beach. If you love weddings and you love the beach, I can safely say that it’s a potent and underrated combination.


“You don’t need motivation to want sex, but you do need effort to make love.”


“A lousy blowjob is always better than an awkward kiss.”


“Being attracted to someone will always have a basis in wanting to see them naked.”


“Is treating women like sex objects really worse than treating men like bank accounts?”


“Romance requires finance, but the market for passion is always volatile.”


“Gamers would be the ultimate studs if women had cheat codes.”


“The first fake orgasm likely inspired the first professional actress.”


To my friends, family, and everyone who shared in the momentous beach-front ceremony, I sincerely thank you for making the event so memorable. To my friend and their lucky new spouse, I wish you nothing but happiness, love, sexiness, and everything in between.

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