Category Archives: Jack Fisher’s Insights

Recounting An Awkward (Yet Hilarious) Boner

awkward

For men, awkward boners are kind of like pranks that go horribly wrong. They’re either funny in hindsight or so embarrassing that you’d do anything to forget them. Get any man talking about the awkward boners he’s had in his life and chances are there will be a little of both. Most will be reluctant to share the really embarrassing ones, but they’ll gladly share the ones they know will get a good laugh.

In that spirit, I’d like to share another personal story about an awkward boner I had in a public place that was embarrassing, but hilarious in the grand scheme of things. It won’t be the first story I’ve shared involving an awkward boner. If people enjoy hearing these kinds of awkward, yet revealing stories, it might not be the last.

However, the previous story I shared was very different. That incident was mostly embarrassing because I was a teenager at the time and it took place at school, a place where things get awkward enough. This one is different. This one occurred while I was a mature adult who had largely survived the chaos of puberty, high school, and acne. In some respects, that’s part of what makes it hilarious.

To set the stage for this awkward exchange between me and my genitals, I need to establish a little context. This incident took place about five years ago. Around that time, I was trying to get into shape for the first time in my life. I’d just started running regularly. I’d also started going to the gym on a routine basis. I was past the point where I was figuring out what to do. At this point, I had developed a regular routine.

A big part of that routine involved spending at least a half-hour on a treadmill, burning off whatever excess calories I’d consumed. I even came to enjoy that part of my workout because it was a chance for me to put on my headphones, listen to music, and lose myself for a while. Sometimes, I would also listen to audiobooks. It helped get me thinking and sweating at the same time.

That part of my routine is how this incident took shape. Most of the audiobooks I’d listened to ranged in genre from mystery novels to political topics to romance. On one particular day, I decided to listen to a new romance audiobook. It was billed as a sexier, seamier love story. I’d listened to those stories before, but not while exercising. I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

In hindsight, I probably should’ve known better. On this day, which happened to be a chilly Saturday morning in the middle of winter, I arrived at the gym in my gym clothes. I had my audiobook loaded up. It was fairly crowded, so I found an unused treadmill and started my routine. I also began playing the audiobook.

The first 10 minutes went by without incident. I had already worked up a good sweat. Things were going well. Then, the plot of the audiobook took a very sensual turn. I knew when I bought the book that there would be graphic parts. I didn’t expect for them to happen that soon, but it happened.

I’m listening to these very graphic, very sexy depictions being read by an alluring female voice. Naturally, my body reacts. It doesn’t matter that I’m jogging. If anything, that accelerates the process. My heart is pumping and my blood is flowing. This just got it flowing in a specific direction. On top of that, I wore loose gym shorts that day. That meant my body had plenty of room to work with.

What unfolded next was an exercise in tact. I know almost immediately that this isn’t going to be one of those incidents that I can shake off by thinking about football. The dam has already burst. There’s going to be some spillover. All I can do is wait it out.

Keep in mind, this is a crowded gym on a Saturday morning. It’s full of people, young and old. Some of them brought their kids to use the indoor pool. If I were to walk around with a fully-pitched tent in my pants, it’s going to get noticed. Granted, some might just stare for a moment and look away. It’s still not a glance I wanted to attract.

I have to wait this out, hoping that it passes before anyone notices. That’s not easy because, as most men will tell you, jogging with a boner is more than a little awkward. It’s like trying to tap dance while juggling flaming torches. It sends all sorts of mixed messages to your body.

At this point, the best I can do is stop the audiobook and switch to music. I also slow the treadmill down so that’s just a brisk walk. I also tactically adjust my shorts to ensure the tent in my pants isn’t too noticeable. From there, it’s just a matter of my body catching up to my thoughts.

I’m still mortified, but I’m also laughing to myself. I’m still new to this gym and regular workouts. I imagine I’d make quite an impression if people noticed me getting erections while working out. They might find it funny. They might even be curious as to what the hell I was listening to.

Eventually, it passes. My heart is still pumping, but the blood flow finally shifts. I don’t even stop my workout. I continue my routine and go about the rest of my workout, as though it didn’t happen. To my knowledge, nobody noticed that I’d spent a good five minutes on a treadmill with a raging erection. I was relieved, but I remembered leaving the gym laughing hysterically at myself.

As awkward as it was, I don’t see that incident in a negative light. This wasn’t at a time in my life when my hormones were raging and my body was betraying me at every turn. I was a healthy adult who had since developed healthier attitudes. If anything, getting an erection in the middle of a gym showed just how healthy I was at that point.

I still go to the gym regularly. I’ve grown fond of it in the years since that incident. I just know what not to listen to when I’m working out. There’s a time and a place for listening to sexy audiobooks. A crowded gym on a Saturday morning isn’t one of them. It’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way, but in hindsight, it’s a hilarious lesson that I doubt I’ll ever forget.

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights, men's issues

Personal Thoughts On Retirees, Lottery Winners, And Work

See the source image

A lot of people like to dream about what they’d do if they suddenly won the lottery and never had to work again. Only a select few are ever that lucky and a not-insignificant portion of those winners don’t end up happy when that dream is realized. As someone who plays and contemplates the lottery, I’m just as guilty of entertaining that dream.

A less audacious dream involves retiring comfortably. For that, there’s less luck is required. If you work hard for years, saving money and planning responsibly, you can eventually stop working altogether and just live out the rest of your days in comfort. Not everyone gets to that point, but for those that do, it’s worth celebrating. I know this because more than a few friends and family members have retired.

I bring this up because I found myself contemplating this recently. Over the holidays, there were significant stretches in which I didn’t have to work, travel, or do much of anything. I don’t deny that it was relaxing. I definitely enjoyed it. However, after a few days, I found myself feeling restless.

Some of that has to do with me being a morning person. In general, I’m always up early. I’ve been that way since high school. I don’t know if I can ever condition myself otherwise, but during this stint of time, it was somewhat jarring. I woke up. I checked my email. I did a little writing. Then, the sun rose and the day began, but I didn’t know what to do with myself.

While I did find things to do, I realized that I’m not very good at managing long stretches of unstructured time. If I don’t have something to do or a place to be, I get a little anxious and not in a productive way.

During this time, I found myself feeling tired at one in the afternoon. I found myself starting random things, but not finishing them. I tried to relax, but I think I might have tried too hard. By trying so hard, I just stressed myself out and achieved the exact opposite of relaxation.

It leads me to wonder whether I could actually handle a scenario in which I didn’t have to work or anything. If I won the lottery tomorrow, would I even want to just stay home all day? If I retired tomorrow and didn’t have to worry about money for some reason, what would I do with myself?

I know more than a few retirees who occupy their time with many things, but I’m not sure those things are for me. Some of that might just be due to generation gaps. Other reasons might be more personal.

For one, I’m still single. I have no wife or kids to look after. If I did, then I might feel differently about having too much time to myself. Right now, all I know is that I don’t do well when I don’t have some sort of job, task, or goal ahead of me. It can’t just be writing novels and sexy short stories. I need other things to occupy myself.

It was a strange revelation, but one I’m glad I experienced. It gives me a reason to contemplate how I’ll manage myself in the future if I retire or become successful enough that I don’t have to work. Luckily, I’m still relatively young and I have plenty of time to plan that out.

Some people can be happy lying around the house all day doing nothing. There’s nothing wrong with those people. I hope they achieve their dreams, as well. I just don’t think I’m that kind of person. One day, I hope I have a chance to see what I can do with that kind of time. Until then, I feel lucky that I have the life I have.

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights, psychology

Sounds Of Relaxation (And Productivity)

Let’s face it. There are a lot of distractions and I’m not just talking about cat videos, Baby Yoda memes, or FaceBook feeds. The world is a noisy, chaotic place. That’s just life in general. Finding peace and quiet can be difficult, especially if you want to work on something.

In college, I lived in an all-male dorm for a few years. It didn’t just get noisy. I heard sounds in those dorms that I can never unhear. I also smelled things I can never unsmell, but that’s beside the point.

Despite these distractions, I did manage to stay productive. I wrote many short stories, novels, and essays for my own enjoyment. It wasn’t easy with so many distractions. Thankfully, I discovered a useful tool that I’d like to share. It’s called brown noise.

It’s kind of what it sounds like. It’s just a steady flow of noise that you can play on your computer or phone that helps block out any external noise. In college, I had it as a two-hour MP3. Today, there are 10-hour YouTube videos that do the same and I can consider them a godsend. They help create this private domain in which I can focus, work, and conjure all sorts of ideas for novels and short stories.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar situation, I encourage you to give it a try. If you have an internet connection and a good pair of headphones, it’s completely free. Here’s a video of the noise I often use when I write.

If you want something that sounds a bit more natural, then try rain. It’s also great if you’re trying to nap in the middle of the day.

A few variations even incorporate thunder, which some find relaxing. One of my old roommates used to use that while studying.

If you need something with a bit of a rhythm, try a little light jazz music. While this has never worked well for me, I know some people who just need music to stay focused.

These aren’t the only sounds that can help with relaxation or productivity. I encourage everyone to experiment a little. Go on YouTube and find different videos. Eventually, you’ll find something that gets your mind in the right place and your world will be richer because of it.

Leave a comment

Filed under health, Jack Fisher's Insights

Little Things That Make My Saturdays More Satisfying

As kids, we love Saturdays because it means no school, cartoons, and extra time with friends.

As adults, we love Saturdays because it means no work, no commuting, and extra time with friends and family.

The appeal is similar. It just manifests in different forms. Those who have to work on Saturdays appreciate it even more. I know this because one of my first jobs out of college was working at a company that required weekend shifts. Trust me. When you have to lose part of your weekend for the sake of your job, you feel it. At the same time, it helps you appreciate everyone who makes that sacrifice.

I don’t have that job anymore, but I’m glad I had that experience. I don’t take Saturdays for granted anymore. It made those little things that make the weekends great feel more meaningful. For those reading this, even if it’s not on a Saturday morning, I encourage you to embrace those little things as well.

To help in that effort, I’d like to share some of those meaningful moments that help make my Saturdays so rewarding. If you have moments of your own that you’d like to share, please do so in the comments. These are just some of mine and I’m sure I’ll find more as I get older, especially when I meet that special someone.

Little Thing #1: Having a nice cup of coffee while reading comics on my iPad.

Little Thing #2: Wearing my soft plush bath robe (and nothing else).

Little Thing #3: Lying in bed naked and stretching my limbs.

Little Thing #4: Randomly watching an old episode of “Rick and Morty” or “The Simpson.”

Little Thing #5: Having breakfast with my friend, a sibling, or one of my awesome parents.

Little Thing #6: Having a cup of cocoa and marshmallows (especially when it’s freezing cold).

Little Thing #7: Randomly watching one of my favorite movies.

Little Thing #8: Cooking an overly elaborate breakfast for myself.

Little Thing #9: Creating a random playlist on my phone and listen to music while playing puzzle games in my iPad.

Little Thing #10: Putting on a pair of underwear that came straight out of the dryer (seriously, try this).

Little Thing #11: Going for an extended jog along the local trails.

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights

How I Made My Morning Cup Of Coffee More Awesome (By Accident)

As I write this, I have a fresh cup of coffee right next to my keyboard. If you’re reading this early in the morning, chances are you have some coffee too. We’re in good company. A nice cup of coffee is a great way to start your day. Whether you have a full time job, are an overworked college student, or retired, coffee is one of those magical elixirs that gets us going in the morning.

It’s not just a multi-billion dollar industry. It has real health benefits. Most functioning adults can’t imagine getting through their day without it. I didn’t always drink coffee, but I’ve come to appreciate it as I’ve gotten older. It’s one of the best parts of my morning.

For that very reason, I’d like to share a brief story about how I made this routine, yet enjoyable part of my day more awesome. Moreover, I did it by accident and I hope it inspires others to find new ways of making their morning coffee even better. Consider it a gift that I bought by complete accident.

It happened a while back around Halloween. It was around a time when everyone was stocking up on candy. Some friends of mine had more than done our part. We had a big bowl of candy in the kitchen that everyone picked at for days on end. I was one of them.

One morning, I grabbed a few peanut butter cups while brewing my coffee.  Typically, I drink my coffee black. I never use creamer or sugar. Sometimes, I will pour a little cocoa powder into the mix, usually around holidays or social gatherings. I wasn’t planning to do that on this particular day.

Then, something amazing happened.

After setting my cup of coffee down, I accidentally dropped a peanut butter cup right into it. At first, I felt stupid and clumsy. Then, I looked down at the frothy, chocolate-laden mixture forming in my cup. I soon realized that this might be the greatest accident I’ve ever had.

I took a sip of my coffee with the peanut butter cup now floating within it. A strange new convergence of tasty joy followed. It was like a revelation. It took two wonderful things and combined them into something that was even better. It made my morning and the rest of my day.

Again, this was a complete accident, but one from which something beautiful emerged. If you happen to love coffee and peanut butter cups, I highly recommend you give it a try. Just one or two cups will do. Give if a few minutes to melt and froth. You’ll be glad you did.

If you have another way of making morning coffee even better, I’d love to hear it. Just know that the sweet, potent combination of peanut butter cups and coffee will be hard to top.

Leave a comment

Filed under health, Jack Fisher's Insights

A Brief Message To My Future Wife

Every now and then, I find myself wondering what I’ll say to the love of my life when I meet her. I also wonder what I’d say to my future self if I could. I think everyone contemplates what they’d tell themselves at a certain point in their lives, past and future. Most of the time, it’s just a daydream or a thought experiment. As you get older, though, every sentiment feels more urgent.

I still believe the love of my life is out there. I doubt I’ve met her yet. I hope I meet her soon and not just because I’m getting older. There are so many things I want to say to her. Chances are, if you love someone with all your heart, you can never convey the totality of your feelings. Sometimes, you need both foresight and hindsight to keep things in perspective.

With that in mind, I’d like to share this as a simple message to my future wife, whoever and wherever she may be. I may not be able to put this into words at any point in our lives, but as someone who is still searching for that special someone, know that this sentiment is honest and true.

There will be days when I’m a pain to be around.

There will be days when I am distant and cold.

There will be days when I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

There will be days when I’m not in a romantic mood.

There will be days when I’m stressed out, overwhelmed, and in a bad mood.

There will be days when I focus only on where I’ve gone wrong and where I’ve failed.

There will be days when I blame others for things I’m responsible for.

It’s on these days, however, when your love means the most to me. I may not say it at the time, but know that it’s true. Even when I’m at my worst, I still love you. Moreover, I still need your love.

With time, I get through these days. They quickly become distant memories and I make an effort to ensure the good days outnumber the bad. Know that it’s you who helps make those good says worth waking up for, but it’s easy to acknowledge that when all is well. It’s much harder to convey when things are going wrong.

It’s easy to cherish love when all is well, but you can only know the strength of that love when things are at their worst. I believe our love is that strong. Never doubt that for a second, no matter how many bad days we face.

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights, Marriage and Relationships, romance, sex in society, Thought Experiment

My Workout Playlist (For Those Still Committed To Get In Shape This Year)

The first few days of 2020 have gone by quickly. We’ve still got plenty more to go and for those still serious about their New Years Resolution, I applaud and encourage you. Anyone who has given up on theirs by now was probably not serious about them in the first place.

Since one of the most common resolutions is to get in shape, I thought I’d touch on that again. A few days ago, I wrote about how certain people at the gym I go to didn’t seem to be taking that effort very seriously. I tried to be fair and offer advice for those who genuinely want to improve their health, fitness, and overall well-being. In hindsight, I think I might have been a bit harsh.

To make up for it, I thought I’d share one aspect of working out that I genuinely enjoy. It involves listening to music during a workout. I know that’s not a novel concept. Chances are that when you go to a gym, most of the people working out will have headphones on. I know because I’m one of them. In fact, listening to music while working out is something that makes my workout genuinely enjoyable.

If you want to do something that’ll make exercise feel less tedious, a good playlist is a great way to achieve that. What constitutes a “good playlist” varies from person to person. Not everyone has the same tastes. I know people who can work out listening to classical, jazz, country, and rap music. There’s nothing wrong with any genre. As long as it helps get you in the right mindset, then it can only help.

I have a lot of music on my phone, but I have a special playlist that I call my “Workout Mix” that I listen to whenever I’m at the gym. Whether I’m lifting weights or running on a treadmill, I just put the list on shuffle and have at it. Before long, I’m rocking out and working out. It’s win-win.

If you intend to get into shape in 2020, I highly recommend putting together a workout mix. If it helps, I’ll share mine. Please note that mine is tailored to my tastes. Yours are likely different. Pick the music that works best for you. This just happens to work best for me.

Metallica – Enter Sandman

Metallica – Hardwired To Self-Destruct

Quiet Riot – Come On Feel The Noise

DMX – X Goin’ Give It To Ya

Lady Gaga – Applause

Flo Rida – Right Round

AC/DC – Thunderstruck

Motley Crue – Kickstart My Heart

Collective Soul – Shine

Collective Soul – December

Soundgarden – Spoonman

Robin Schultz – Sugar

Rick James – Superfreak

Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit

Nelly – Hot In Here

James Labrie – Pretender

Guns N’ Roses – Welcome To The Jungle

Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child Of Mine

Eve 6 – Inside Out

Drowning Pool – Step Up

The Beastie Boys – Fight For Your Right (To Party)

Bruno Mars – Uptown Funk

Leave a comment

Filed under health, Jack Fisher's Insights