“A Very Merry Sex Robot” A Sexy Short Story (About Christmas And Sex Robots)

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The following is a sexy short story about Christmas and sex robots. It’s a combination that I don’t think exists enough in this world and I’d like to contribute to it. I hope this story starts a trend. The holidays are a wonderful time of year. Sex robots can only make them more wonderful. I hope this story proves that. Enjoy!

“Tis the season, my ass,” groaned less than jovial Ethan Elder. “How the hell am I supposed to enjoy Christmas this year?

That was the tenth time Ethan had asked himself that question in the past hour, but he remained no closer to an answer. He’d contemplated it in various forms for over a year, but had only succeeded in making himself more miserable. Even in the comfort of his parents’ home on Christmas, the disillusion and despair festered. At this point, even a Christmas miracle couldn’t mend his broken spirit.

The past year had left Ethan with little capacity for cheer on the holidays. Since late January, his life had been consumed by a messy and ugly divorce from his now ex-wife, Gina. In hindsight, he should’ve seen the signs.

Ethan and Gina had been high school sweethearts who got married on a whim after graduating, thinking it would solidify their relationship for the long term. It was the antithesis of what their friends and peers did with their significant others, few of which remained together. He and Gina thought they were bucking the trend by taking a giant leap forward with their relationship. He genuinely believed in their love.

Ethan now realized just how wrong he’d been. In fact, he should’ve realized it sooner.

“How could I have been so stupid? How did I not see it coming?” he said, his face still buried in his pillow.

Those were among the many other questions he’d asked himself, even before Gina filed for divorce. The answers seemed obvious now, but they still hurt, especially during the holidays.

Getting married when they were young, inexperienced, and ill-prepared had been a challenge, but it wasn’t what broke their relationship. They’d begun their married life with a shared vision. They were going to go to college together, graduate with business degrees, and start their own company, and chart a bold new path for their family. It seemed so naïve and idealistic, but that only made it more appealing in their eyes.

That idealism started fading as soon as they entered college. That was where their vision started to diverge. While Ethan believed in staying true to that vision, Gina started showing interest in other goals. The more she learned, the more she realized that she didn’t want to start a business. She developed a passion for art, movies, and film production. At first, he thought it was just an elective that she enjoyed. Then, she started dropping hints that this was where her passion resided.

Unfortunately, Ethan didn’t pick up on those hints. Looking back on it, he went out of his way to ignore them.

“I tried to tell you. I really, really tried,” Gina told him the day she filed for divorce, “but you just made it so damn difficult!”

She might have been half-right. Even her lawyer admitted that she waited way too long to tell him that she wanted a life different from the one they’d planned. That didn’t make the heartbreak that followed any less painful.

They still graduated college together.

They still started that business together, which went onto become quite successful.

However, success didn’t make Gina happy and her misery quickly became his. Misery led to many fights and many more arguments. Little came from them, aside from tempering the love and intimacy they once shared. Before long, Gina started showing interest in other men. Ethan even admitted that his eyes began to wander as they became more distant. It got to a point where they started sleeping in separate rooms, becoming colder and more distant along the way.

While there was never any sexual infidelity, Gina admitted to his face that she wanted to. She even admitted that she’d kissed a man who’d been helping her with film projects on the side. She would’ve gone further had she not been wearing her wedding ring, but it was that moment when she realized that she no longer loved him.

“The woman I am…the man you are…we’re just not the same. I’m sorry, Ethan. But I can’t love you like I used to.”

Hearing those words broke his heart. Receiving divorce papers hurt even more. At first, he tried to fight it. He tried to reconcile with her. That only made the process more painful.

Since she still helped build the business they founded, she got half the assets. Since she had no interest in running it, she sold it off. He ended up doing the same, no longer able to pursue a vision that he could no longer share. Ethan still ended up with a sizable amount of money, but he couldn’t have been more miserable.

His parents had been trying to console him for months. His dad even insisted that he stay with them for Christmas, if only to get away from the now-empty house he once shared with Gina. They’d even let him sleep in his old room, as if to reconnect with happier times. Even in the early hours of Christmas morning, it still didn’t work.

“After the year I’ve had, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to enjoy Christmas again,” he groaned.

Ethan buried his face in his pillow again, too miserable to sleep and too restless to think straight. He looked over at the clock. It read two in the morning. He already wished he could skip the holidays this year in hopes of rebuilding his life, his heart, and his soul for the next year.

He was prepared to turn around and force himself back to sleep somehow. Then, he got an unexpected text on his cell phone, which sat atop the dresser next to his bed. It came from an unknown number and conveyed a cryptic message.

“Good morning, Ethan,” it read. “Santa has delivered to you a very special gift. Please come downstairs to receive it.”

Ethan read over the message a few times. He tried to look up the number, but it was blocked. That was unusual, especially after getting a new phone number to distance himself from former business associates. While he remained too miserable to get excited, he was none-the-less curious.

“This better not be a prank by Gina’s sister,” Ethan muttered.

Setting his phone aside, he got out of bed and made his way downstairs to the living room. He didn’t even bother putting on slippers or changing out of his pajamas. He fully expected to be underwhelmed, disappointed, and more jaded than he already was.

As he neared the living room, however, Ethan noticed something odd. The lights to the Christmas tree had been turned on, which was unusual. There were also muddy boot prints in the foyer, hinting that someone had actually entered the house at midnight to deliver something. Whether it was Santa, his dad, or one of his dad’s friends was anyone’s guess, but Ethan doubted it could be anything too elaborate.

Then, he entered the living room and saw something that rendered him shocked and astonished.

“Good morning and Merry Christmas, Ethan Elder,” said a beautiful female figure. “My name is Merry. I am a sex robot of the highest quality. I have been configured, programmed, and calibrated to give you the love you so desperately need this Christmas.”

For a brief moment, Ethan had to blink a few times and shake his head, just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Near as he could tell, this was real.

Standing in front of the Christmas tree that he’d helped his parents decorate was a beautiful woman who looked like she’d been cut from the centerfold of a beauty magazine. Her figure was perfect, from the curve of her hips to the shape of her breasts to the hue of her lips. She had dashing blue eyes, shoulder-length hair that looked glistened like silk, and flawless skin that was either divine or artificial. At that moment, Ethan wasn’t sure which would’ve shocked him more.

On top of that, she wore what appeared to be red lingerie with a matching lace bra and thong. In the center, just between her ample breasts, was a large red bow. It was like someone had wrapped her to be a real present. She even seemed to embrace that role as she stepped forth to greet him.

“Before you ask, my programming requires that I identify myself and my purpose,” she said. “I am Ideal Companions Model 2.89, purchased by special request from David and Martha Elder three weeks ago and delivered by request on Christmas morning. My features include advanced AI interface, fully functional synthetic flesh, and sexual function at or beyond that of a healthy young woman. I am also programmed to seek a mutually intimate bond with Ethan Elder, my pre-determined lover.”

Ethan would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been so shocked. Now, he understood why his parents insisted that he spend Christmas at their house. They’d apparently seen how miserable and lonely he’d been after his divorce. He might have even mentioned a few times how he’d connect with another living woman. His father might have taken that statement literally.

As overwhelmed as he was at her presence, Ethan still found himself approach her, if only to confirm she was real. Once again, he made sure he wasn’t dreaming. He knew sex robots were real. He even knew about Ideal Companions, having done business with them a while back. He just never imagined he’d be in the presence of one of their models, let alone one so beautiful.

“Please, take all the time you need to understand this setup,” Merry continued, as if reading from a script. “Note that my programming and Ideal Companion’s policy permits you to refuse connection, thereby prompting an expedited return and a full refund of your deposit. Based on the data I’ve downloaded from your recent onslaught of heartbreak and distress, I hope you do not make such a choice. But if you so choose, I will honor it.”

Ethan could’ve ended it right then and there. He was tempted to do so, if only to end this craziness and demand an awkward conversation with is parents. However, another part of him was drawn to this woman. Robot or not, she had a presence that captivated him.

Whether it was her presence, the revealing lingerie she wore, or the fact that he hadn’t been intimate with a woman in over a year, Ethan found himself making a snap decision on the spot. It might not have been well thought out, but it felt right.

“I…want you to stay,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Would you please confirm this sentiment directly?” she asked. “Do you wish for me to be your intimate companion?”

Ethan had a chance to second-guess himself. More often than not, he didn’t get that chance and when he did, he rarely went against his gut decision. This time felt different. This time, everything about his first inclination felt right.

“Yes,” he said in a more confident tone. “I’d like that…I think.”

“Wonderful!” Merry said. “You still sound uncertain. Perhaps it will help if I show you the kind of intimate companionship I can offer.”

Without further explanation, the beautiful female figure undressed on the spot. She started by unwrapping the bow over her chest, as if to unwrap a present in the sexiest way possible. She then removed her lingerie, performing a sensual striptease under the light of the Christmas tree. It was both festive and sexy. By the time she was done, Merry stood before him in the middle of the room, fully naked with every feminine feature on full display.

“Come to me, Ethan,” she said with a welcoming gesture. “Embrace my body while I embrace yours.”

Ethan couldn’t believe what he was seeing. There was a beautiful naked woman standing in front of him, inviting him into her loving grasp. Every instinct of every healthy heterosexual man urged him to accept that invitation. Had he not been in his parents’ house, wearing unwashed pajama pants and a dirty old T-shirt for the third night in a row, he might have done so.

However, his heart was still raw. On top of that, Ethan hadn’t been intimate with a woman in a long time. A part of him wondered if he could even muster the desire. Such hesitation probably would’ve raised concern for most women, but Merry wasn’t the least bit dissuaded. Instead, she just smiled warmly and approached him.

“Here,” Merry said to him, “let me take your clothes off.”

“I uh…I can manage,” Ethan said anxiously.

“I know you can,” she said, “but if I’m to be your loyal companion, I need plenty of hands on experience.”

“Hands on…right,” he said with a chuckle. “I didn’t know sex robots could make jokes.”

“My abilities go beyond sex. If you give me a chance, I’d be happy to demonstrate.”

He answered only with an awkward smile. Merry interpreted that as affirmation and proceeded accordingly.

She took a step closer, her nude form now perfectly within reach. Ethan still didn’t make a move. He just stood there while Merry took off his shirt, grasping the hem and pulling it up over his head. She then took off his pants, boxers and all. She wasn’t aggressive or intense. She was very gentle and caring, as though she were tending to someone who was wounded. Given what he’d been through over the past six months, it wasn’t that far from the truth.

“You’re a handsome, caring man, Ethan,” Merry said as she took in his nude form. “Any woman, robot or otherwise, would be lucky to have you as their lover.”

“I’m flattered,” Ethan said, blushing somewhat under her gaze. “Is that another part of your demonstration?”

“It can be, if you wish. But a more important part involves helping you feel comfortable around your new lover. So please, if you desire, touch me. Get a feel for my body while I get a feel for yours.”

Again, Ethan fell silent with shock. That might have been for the best. He had a tendency to say dumb things when he was overwhelmed. His ex-wife had reminded him of that more than once during their divorce proceedings. For now, he tried not to think about that. For the first time in years, he was going to enjoy a true, genuine gift.

“Okay. Let’s do this,” was all he said.

Hiding his nervousness behind an awkward smile, he welcomed the attractive feminine figure into his arms. Merry eagerly accepted, still smiling warmly as she pawed his upper body with both hands. Ethan finally let his once-dead passions arise and began exploring her naked body. The feeling of her flesh, synthetic or not, was every bit as overwhelming as her beauty.

He welcomed more of her caring touch as Merry offered more affectionate gestures. She trailed her hands over his chest and arms, as though she’d been programmed with a keen knowledge of how he liked to be touched. If she were as advanced as she claimed, that was likely true to some extent.

Even though she was a robot, Ethan was gentle. He started by caressing her face, lightly touching her cheek and running his finger through her hair. He steadily grew bolder, trailing his hands down her feminine curves, feeling around her hips, thighs, and butt. Her skin was so smooth and warm. Had she not stated that she was a robot, he would’ve thought her to be an angel, coming to grant him mercy on a cold Christmas morning.

It felt so good that he was almost afraid to feel any other part of her body. Merry must have sensed that because she helped guide his touching. As if to reignite his dormant passions, she lightly grasped his wrists and guided one hand to her breasts and the other to her inner thighs.

“Don’t be shy, Ethan,” Merry told him. “Here. Feel my breasts. Feel my vagina. I want you to touch them. I want to be intimate with you.”

Ethan swallowed nervously, but managed to not look too foolish. He was already naked with her in his parents’ living room on Christmas Eve. What else could possibly shock him?

That didn’t make feeling Merry’s breasts and genitals any less overwhelming. It was incredible, grasping her fleshy orbs and caressing her womanhood. His experience with his ex-wife gave him little confidence in his ability to navigate female anatomy, but Merry’s soft purrs of approval reassured him. Unlike Gina, she appreciated soft, loving touch.

“Mmm…that feels good,” she told him. “So soft and caring…I like it. It makes me want to kiss you.”

“I…wouldn’t stop you if you tried,” he said.

That might not have been the best response to a beautiful woman’s overt approval, but she didn’t hold that against him. She still kissed him passionately. Her lips tasted sweeter than any holiday treat. Synthetic flesh or not, it was a wonderful feeling. It also shattered whatever reservation he had left about embracing Merry as his robot lover.

As their lips meshed, the touching continued. He kept fondling her breast with one hand while rubbing her outer folds with the other. He even slipped his fingers inside her, which revealed that her feminine anatomy functioned every bit as well as a non-robot woman. She was very aroused and Ethan was finally sharing that feeling. He felt his manhood become fully erect with more urgency than he’d experienced since his honeymoon.

Merry quickly sensed this and directed her touch to his lower body. The feeling of a beautiful woman’s loving touch on his penis might as well have been a Christmas miracle. It was overwhelming, but for once, Ethan embraced it. Divorce and heartbreak had nearly broken him. Now, he had a chance to rebuild his soul with the aid of a beautiful sex robot on Christmas.

“Ethan,” Merry said, abruptly breaking the kiss.

“Yes, Merry?” Ethan said, replying with his first sliver of confidence.

“Let’s make love,” she said, “right here…in front of the Christmas tree…together.”

The way she said it made it sound daring. Not forgetting they were still in his parents’ house and they were likely still asleep, it was to some extent. Ethan had avoided such daring acts leading up to his divorce. He was officially ready to be bold again.

“Just when I thought this Christmas couldn’t get any better,” he said with a beaming grin.

“Oh it can, my darling. I promise it can!” Merry replied in the most seductive tone he’d ever heard from a woman.

They kissed and embraced again. This time, there was no explorative touching or overwhelming reservations. It was full-fledged foreplay of the most passionate kind.

Ethan twirled his tongue with hers, forgetting completely that she was a robot and her tongue was likely some biosynthetic substitute. He hungrily felt up her naked body, paying close attention to her inner thighs and breasts, evoking plenty of soft gasps from his robot lover. He was turning her on, literally and figuratively. She returned the favor by stroking his cock and clutching his shoulder, communicating a deep desire for his intimate love. With only the light of the Christmas tree filling the living room, they pursued that desire to the utmost.

Ethan took the initiative, something Gina rarely let him do during the latter parts of their marriage. He grasped Merry by the hips, laid her down on the floor just in front of the Christmas tree, and got on top of her. She looked even more beautiful under the festive lighting, her gaze begging him for the full force of his love. Ethan gladly obliged, positioning himself between her legs and aligning their bodies for an intimate union.

“I’m ready, Ethan,” Merry said. “I want this so much.”

“So do I,” Ethan said, his voice dazed with passion.

He took a deep breath.

Then, he tightened his grip on her hips.

Finally, he thrust his hips forward, driving his rigid manhood into her wet, womanly depths.

It was nothing short of heavenly, feeling that hot flesh surround his cock. It had been a while since he’d had sex, but this felt better than anything he remembered from his ex. It was like reconnecting with a feeling he thought he’d lost forever. Now, thanks to this beautiful female sex robot, he could cherish it again.

“Merry…oh Merry!” Ethan gasped.

“That’s it, my lover,” she said lovingly. “Give it to me. Share this feeling with me.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. That unleashed over a year’s worth of passion and desire. Like a man reborn and rejuvenated, he made love to this beautiful woman with every ounce of vigor he could muster.

Ethan was still careful at first, steadily working his hips and torso in a steady motion, allowing their intimate flesh to become acquainted. Once they got a feel for one another, he stepped up the pace. He dug his knees and feet into the shag carpet, driving his manhood into her with greater fervor. Her body rocked along with his, naked skin gliding with naked skin every step of the way. He loved how her breasts pressed against his chest and how her legs tensed every time he thrust into her, as if to embrace him fully and not just sexually.

Once Ethan established a steady pace of lovemaking, the experience opened up in unexpected ways. With Gina, sex had become such a formality. There were only so many ways she would do it with him and he agreed to those because he wanted to please her. At some point, it stopped being fun and passionate. Merry was the complete opposite. She gleefully shared in the spirit, encouraging him to explore the breadth of his passions.

Ethan rolled around with her on the rug, taking her from various positions, including a few Gina never let him try. He turned her over onto all fours and took her from behind, squeezing her butt and nibbling her ear from behind. He laid her on her side, hitched a leg over his shoulder, and thrust into her at an angle, allowing him to tease her feet in ways that made her squeal with delight. He even laid down on his back and she rode him cowgirl style while he fondled her breasts, pinching her nipples in ways that got an even stronger reaction.

“Yes! Yes! Ohhh yes!” she cried out. “Just like that, Ethan! Just like that!”

It was beautifully chaotic, a true venting of genuine passion. It didn’t matter that it involved a sex robot. The passion felt real. It was every bit as real as the pleasure.

After plenty of chaotic passion, that special gift was about to culminate. Ethan was ready to climax. He had his robot lover on her side with him spooning her from behind. She angled her hips perfectly so that he could thrust into her in just the right way, maximizing the penetration as he neared his peak. It also allowed him to fondle her breast and kiss her neck, evoking more delighted gasps from Merry. She claimed she could climax. He was about to put that ability to the test.

“I’m close, Merry! I’m going to…come…soon!” Ethan said through labored grunts.

“Yes! I…I can feel it!” she said. “My body…and your body…oohhh I feel it!”

It might have been a result of clever programming.

It might even have been a result of special engineering that ensured Merry achieved orgasm at the same time as her lover.

The prelude didn’t matter. Only the culmination mattered and in that fateful moment, he and Merry climaxed together.

It was both intense and cathartic. Ethan closed his eyes and let out a deep gasp, as if to let out a year’s worth of frustration and heartbreak. Hot waves of orgasmic pleasure erupted through his core as his manhood throbbed inside his robot lover’s depths. His release appeared to trigger hers. Merry let an orgasmic cry of her own, taking his hand in hers and giving it a firm squeeze. Regardless of whether robots experienced orgasm the same as humans, there was no denying the results.

The greatest gift Ethan had ever received was complete. This new connection with Merry was sealed.

“Merry…my new robot lover,” Ethan said, still swimming in a sea of euphoria.

“That was my purpose when I was programmed,” she said. “Now, it is my passion.”

“You already know the difference?”

“Of course,” she said playfully. “For a man such as you, Ethan Elder, desire isn’t enough. Even purpose will not do. You are a man of passion. Your former lover may have forgotten that, but I certainly won’t. Consider that a promise and one last Christmas gift.”

“And what a gift it is!”

They shared another joyous laugh. Then, as their bodies parted, Merry rolled over and kissed him again. Still curled under the light of a Christmas tree, it felt like the end of one painful journey and the start of something much more promising. Ethan thought he’d never enjoy this feeling again after Gina broke his heart. Merry had officially proved him wrong and that, in many ways, was the greatest Christmas gift of all.

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How I Learned A Powerful Life Lesson From “Goldeneye” (The Video Game)

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I grew up during a strange time. I know every adult could make that claim with the benefit of hindsight, but I think I have some substance to back it up. It was a time when the internet barely existed, Saturday morning cartoons were still a thing, video games were still mostly toys, and MTV was the ultimate evil in the eyes of parents, priests, and teachers.

There were a lot of transitions that were just starting to happen. As a kid, I didn’t understand them. I barely even noticed them until years later. I still feel their influence and have learned many lessons as a result. Some lessons were more critical than others. I still remember the day I got my first email address and I made the password so easy that my little brother guessed it. That was a small, but critical lesson I had to learn.

Another one took place a few years before that and it involved a video game that is still near and dear to the hearts of many. That game is “Goldeneye” on the Nintendo 64. For some, just mentioning that game should bring back fond memories of countless hours spent in the basement, yelling at anyone who dared to pick Oddjob in multiplayer. Those were good times.

During that same time, I went to school in an era where things like the self-esteem movement and DARE were still a thing. It seems so archaic now, given how well-documented the failures of both initiatives have become in recent year, but it was a serious issue when I was a kid.

I remember seeing all sorts of platitudes and motivational messages on TV, in movies, and at school-sponsored events. They all conveyed the same sentiment.

You’re all special.

You’re all equally good at everything.

You can achieve anything if you’re determined and work hard enough.

It all sounds so nice, but there’s just one huge problem and it’s one my awesome, wonderful parents went out of their way to teach me. It’s not entirely true.

Yes, we’re all unique, which is not the same as being special.

Yes, we all have equal worth, but we’re not equally skilled.

Yes, you can achieve a lot with hard work, but you can’t achieve anything.

These all seem like rational, reasonable lessons to teach a kid. I’m certainly glad my parents made an effort to give me that perspective because it was hard to ignore the whole “you can achieve anything!” mantra that kept playing out every day. I admit I got caught up in it at certain times. I also got upset when I felt like I didn’t achieve something that I felt I’d worked hard enough for.

At some point, I had to learn that all this idealized encouragement was flawed. My parents did their part, but it took a particularly memorable experience to really hammer that point home. This is where “Goldeneye” comes in.

There was one summer in which this game basically dominated our entire day. I would wake up, meet up with my friends, and we’d start playing the game for hours at a time, much to the chagrin of our parents. These were good times. That, I cannot overstate. However, there was one issue that often came up over the course of that summer.

One of my friends, who I’ll call Shawn, was just too damn good at the game.

By that, I don’t just mean he won more multiplayer matches than most. I mean he always beat me. It didn’t matter which character I used. It didn’t matter which maps we played in. Aside from a few lucky shots, he pretty much kicked my ass every time I played him. Some of my other friends did challenge him, but he was still the best. That much, we all knew.

I thought he was good because he played more often than me. I thought I could eventually get to his level if I practiced enough. For a good two weeks in July, I essentially trained myself with match after match in “Goldeneye.” I tried to memorize every map. I tried to get a good feel for every character and weapon. I tried to hone my aim so that I made every shot count.

While I did improve, especially compared to some of my friends, it didn’t change the outcome. Shawn still beat me almost every time. It wasn’t that he played or practiced more. Shawn just had a natural talent for gaming. His reflexes were a lot quicker than most. He had a visual acuity that most couldn’t match. He could also concentrate in a way that was downright Zen-like.

To his credit, Shawn was humble about his skill. He didn’t brag or rub it in my face, although he certainly could have. He didn’t have to in order to get the point across. In certain activities, be they sports, video games, or underwater basket weaving, there are just people who are inherently more talented. It doesn’t matter how hard you work or how much you train. You just aren’t going to reach their level.

I eventually came to accept that. It was the first time it really sank in. Hard work and dedication won’t help you achieve everything. It can help, but there are going to be people who just have more talent and you can’t always work around that. It was a hard truth that I’d tried to avoid up to that point, but after that summer, I came to accept it.

Coincidentally, this is around the same time when I stopped taking those self-esteem messages at school seriously. As I got older, my perspective became a bit more realistic. In the long run, that probably served me better than just blindly believing I could do anything if I worked hard enough. I genuinely worry how much I would’ve crushed my spirit if I had to learn that lesson the hard way later in life.

Again, I got lucky. On top of having two great parents who kept me anchored, I had a friend who was just naturally talented at kicking my ass in “Goldeneye.” While all those losses were annoying, they taught me a valuable lesson and one that still helps me to this day.

To Shawn, who I hope reads this one day, I sincerely thank you for that.

Also, I apologize for all those times I threw my controller at you.

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Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights, psychology, video games

Why “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” Is The Perfect Dark Comedy

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Every TV show, from sitcoms to talk shows to adult cartoons featuring dimension-hopping super-genius, attempts to capture a certain theme and hone it to the utmost. They try to craft the right kind of characters who exhibit the necessary traits to convey those themes while still being memorable, likable, and endearing. On top of that, they have to do it for multiple seasons, at least until they achieve syndication.

It’s an enormous challenge. Few shows succeed and even fewer do so consistently. Even among those select few, there’s a risk that the characters and stories will get stale. Due to the nature of half-hour TV shows, there’s only so much you can do before Archie Bunker’s casual bigotry becomes more pathetic than funny. That doesn’t even get into shows that end up crashing and burning in the series finale.

Then, there’s a little show called “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.” In the annuls of TV history, this show is basically a unicorn wrapped in gold, covered in diamonds, and encoded with the browser history of every active politician.

Pragmatically speaking, this is a show that should not have lasted 13 seasons. For one, it airs on FX, a network most people probably don’t know they have, if they actually have it. In addition, the show’s budget is incredibly limited. The pilot was allegedly shot for less than $100 by a cast of aspiring actors who had zero name recognition, at the time.

On top of that, there’s the premise of the show. In its simplest form, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” follows the shameless misadventures “the Gang.” This crew consisting of Charlie Kelly, Ronald “Mac” McDonald, Frank Reynolds, Dennis Reynolds, and Deandra “Sweet Dee” Reynolds basically take every traditional approach to making an enduring TV show and punches it in the kidneys.

This is a show where the characters will buy a boat with the intention of entrapping women.

This is a show where the cast will make an unauthorized Lethal Weapon sequel, complete with blackface, homoerotic subtext, and gratuitous sex scenes featuring Danny DeVito.

This is a show where two people are tricked into digging up the body of their dead mother.

This is a show where you’ll see people hold a funeral for a baby to get out of a tax audit by the IRS.

These are not the activities of lovable characters. Even Shelden Cooper had moments in “The Big Bang Theory” where he came off as genuinely compassionate. With the Gang, there are none of those moments. Sometimes, they’ll be teased. In some episodes, the Gang will give the impression that they’re about to finally realize just how deplorable they are.

Trust me, they’re doing exactly what you think they’re doing and then some.

Ultimately, they don’t just revert back to their less-than-reputable selves. They demonstrate that they never had any intention of changing their ways. Anyone who believed otherwise either hasn’t watched more than two episodes of the show or are deluding themselves. As antithetical as this is for crafting a compelling TV show might be, it doesn’t change one inescapable fact.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” is funny, enjoyable, and obscenely entertaining.

It almost sounds like a paradox. As someone who only recently became a fan of the show, I have hard time explaining that appeal to most people in a way that doesn’t sound weird. It takes a moment to appreciate the appeal of watching a cast of self-absorbed, narcissistic alcoholics. However, within the tone and context of the show, it doesn’t just work. It achieves something profound.

Specifically, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” is the perfect manifestation of dark comedy at its finest.

Comedy, in any form, can be difficult. Jokes, gags, and bits can become overplayed and stale. There’s only so many times you can watch Charlie Brown fail to kick a football and still laugh. Dark comedy is even more difficult. It involves taking distressing, taboo subjects and trying to make them funny. Some, like George Carlin, can pull it off masterfully.

I like to think that if George Carlin were still alive, he would be a fan of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.” The show’s approach to dark comedy isn’t overly complex. It’s just exceedingly overt. It doesn’t try to balance out those dark themes with something serious or nuanced. It blatantly takes things to an extreme and dares to laugh at the absurdities.

Trust me, it gets more absurd than this.

Take, for instance, the funeral for the dead baby that I mentioned earlier. There are only so many ways you can make funerals and dead babies funny, but this show never shies away from a challenge. It also helps that every character in the Gang has the moral fiber of a Big Tobacco lobbyist on crack. They won’t just cross lines. They’ll make it a spectacle.

In this particular case, Sweet Dee is getting audited and for good reason. She acted as a surrogate to carry the child of a transgender woman that Mac used to date. Trust me, it’s more absurd that I can ever put into words. However, Dee didn’t do this out of the goodness of her heart. Nobody in the Gang is ever that altruistic. She did it because she got paid. Then, she decided to list the kid she gave up as a dependent for the tax benefits.

Naturally, this put her at odds with the IRS. Like every problem the Gang faces, she tries to run away from it or pass off the problem to somebody else. However, the problem only escalates. In most TV shows, especially half-hour sitcoms, this is the point where the characters face the consequences of their actions and try to learn from it. Instead, the Gang tries to resolve the problem by holding a baby funeral.

It’s undeniably dark, but the way it plays out is still funny. The way Dee and the rest of the Gang conducts themselves is so irreverent that the inherent darkness of the issue only makes it funnier. It shows just how far the Gang is willing to go to shirk responsibility and avoid consequences. It gets bad and it belabors just how irredeemable these characters are, but it’s still funny.

A big part of what makes that approach funny is how blatant this show is when it comes to the time-tested tropes that TV shows have relied on for decades. Take any show, from “Breaking Bad” to “Friends,” and you’ll see a concerted effort to develop and progress the characters over time. Ideally, they achieve some sort of ultimate goal by the end.

Instead of growth, the Gang actively avoids any effort at growth. Their only goal is to continue being the unapologetic assholes they’ve always been, drink heavily, and recklessly pursue whatever crazy ideas they come up with. Who they are in the first few seasons of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” aren’t considerably different than who they are in the latest season.

In any other show, characters who don’t grow and progress usually derail the underlying themes. Sometimes, that’s unavoidable. The very structure of a TV show, especially a half-hour sitcom, ensures that the characters can only grow so much. Even after the show achieves syndication, it tries to stick to a formula, even if doing so undermines the very process the characters need to evolve.

By going out of their way to not evolve, the Gang insures “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” never deviates too far from the qualities that make it funny. It even channels its use of dark comedy to poke fun at the same tropes that other shows heavily rely on. From the frustrating use of clip shows to turning romantic sub-plots into a case study for excessive stalking, the show seems to revel in spitting on these time-tested methods.

What makes that comedy even more potent is that after 13 seasons, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” has lasted longer than some of the most iconic TV shows in history. It has outlasted the likes of “Cheers,” “Mash,” “Friends,” and “Frasier.” Moreover, it keeps finding a way to be funny and relevant. I think a non-insignificant part of that is how it uses dark humor.

There’s plenty more to be said about the show and why it has lasted so long. Even some of the show’s cast members have a hard time explaining why the show is still on the air. Even more likely wonder how the show can keep getting away with being so brazen about using dark comedy to tackle issues surrounding race, religion, gender, sexuality, mental health, and bird law.

There are likely many factors that have contributed to the success and longevity of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.” It helps that the actors and crew of the show really enjoy working together. There’s something to be said about a show in which the original cast have a genuine passion for their work. It’s well-documented how a toxic environment behind the scenes can derail successful shows.

At the end of the day, though, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” works because it’s funny and entertaining. It found a way to take the best aspects of dark comedy and run with it. As long as it can keep doing that, the show will have an audience. If it can include more episodes that involve Mac dancing or Danny DeVito getting naked, then that’s just a bonus.

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Jack Fisher’s Weekly Quick Pick Comic: Superman #18

Anyone who has read superhero comics for a sizable chunk of their lives knows the difference between a gimmick and a genuine plot upheaval. Gimmicks are shallow. They’re sales tactics disguised as shocking twists that promise to change a character, world, or team forever. Most of the time, they get retconned within a few years.

Plot upheavals that are real, genuine, and permanent are rarer, but that’s what makes them more precious. They often become defining moments in their own right for a character or a franchise. For comic fans, they’re like major life-changing events.

In the same way you vividly recall your first kiss or your first car, you remember where you were when Superman married Lois Lane.

You remember where you were when the Joker brutally beat up Jason Todd.

You remember where you were when Barry Allen died during Crisis on Infinite Earths.

In that same tradition, you’ll probably remember where you were when you read “Superman #18.” This is a comic that promises to change Superman’s life and his story in major ways. It’s the comic in which he finally reveals his secret identity to the world. It’s not a gimmick this time. This is real and it has an impact that will likely resonate for years to come.

Writer Brian Michael Bendis has built a career on powerful, dramatic moments. He did it for years at Marvel with Spider-Man, the Avengers, and the X-Men. Since he began his run on Superman, he’s taken the Man of Steel through his share of upheavals. Superman’s semi-stable family life with his wife and son became a lot less stable, but he still hung onto the same identity that had kept him grounded for decades.

That finally changes in “Superman #18.” It’s not a snap decision, either. This isn’t Tony Stark going off the cuff at the end of “Iron Man.” That’s not how Superman does things. He’s thoughtful, thorough, and very much aware of the implications. He doesn’t agonize or brood over it, as many other heroes are prone to do, especially if they have egos like Tony Stark. He simply tries to determine the right thing to do.

It’s not easy. Before the big reveal, Bendis takes Superman through a round of self-reflection in which he goes over all the reasons why he maintained his secret identity as Clark Kent. Some of those reasons were entirely valid. They weren’t excuses that kept demanding more excuses. They genuinely felt like the right thing at the time.

Superman lived as Clark Kent so he could be human. That has always been important to him, going back to the Golden Age. He’s an alien from another world, trying to live and be part of this new home that he has come to love. Being Clark helped him be human, even though he is objectively not human.

While that might have been important before, a lot has changed for Superman. He no longer has anything to prove. He’s built a life as Clark Kent. He has established himself as Superman, a hero among heroes who sets the highest standards for humans and aliens alike. He couldn’t have done this without maintaining his secret identity. The only question is what more can he do to justify keeping that identity?

The tipping point in “Superman #18” comes when Superman recounts what happens when others in his life have kept secrets. Even if they were kept for good reasons, it never ended with just that secret. One secret demands another. As they compound over time, they become dangerous.

That’s still only part of the issue. Beyond the secrets, having that identity sends a message to the same people he’s trying to protect. It says that he doesn’t trust them to handle him being both Superman and Clark Kent. Maybe that made sense when he was still winning their trust, but it doesn’t make sense anymore. It also helps make the right thing to do very clear.

That effectively ends the debate. Whenever Superman is faced with a decision, his first and only instinct is to do the right thing. That’s exactly what he does in “Superman #18.”

It’s what helps make the big moment in “Superman #18” feel like something other than a gimmick. Bendis makes sure that Superman revealing his identity to the world is the right thing to do. It never comes off as the end of something, either. Whenever Superman’s identity has been revealed in the past, it has always been a complication or a last resort. That’s not how it’s framed here.

Superman #18” feels like another step in Superman’s journey to be the hero by which all other heroes are measured. He’s lived as a human. He’s become an iconic hero. Those lives no longer need to be separate. In Superman’s eyes, they shouldn’t be. He’s still the same man, whether he’s wearing glasses or his iconic cape.

In principle, it’s a minor distinction. However, at no point in “Superman #18” does it feel trivial. Superman acknowledges that this is going to change things. His life is going to change, both as Superman and as Clark Kent. He knows there will be difficulties, but he’s willing to face them. He’s also willing to trust in the same people he protects to face them with him.

It’s a beautiful, powerful moment made all the more memorable by the art of Ivan Reis. It doesn’t require Superman to save the world, defeat Lex Luthor, or punch a planet into dust. It just requires him to do the right thing. That doesn’t just make him a hero. That’s what makes him Superman.

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July/August 2020: A Local Baby Boom Triggered By DC Sports?

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As a lifelong fan of sports who lives in the Baltimore/DC metro area, I’m very aware of major events and achievements in sports that affect these areas.

I was very aware when the Washington Redskins won the Superbowl in 1992.

I was very aware when the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl in 2012.

I was very aware of when Robert Griffin III took the league by storm in 2012.

I’m also aware that Lamar Jackson has the Baltimore Ravens looking like Super Bowl contenders this year.

When there’s reason to cheer, I tend to notice. After 2012, however, this area didn’t have many reasons to be cheerful. The Baltimore/DC area has had mixed luck at best when it comes to major sports. The DC area was especially unlucky in that, until very recently, no major sports team had won a championship since the Redskins did it in 1992. That’s a long drought, albeit not the longest.

That finally changed in 2018 when the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup. Make no mistake. This was a big deal for the area. My ears are still ringing from some of the cheering I heard. It also made the area subject to an interesting, but sexy side-effect of winning a championship. It may or may not have inspired a bit of a baby boom in the area.

Now, that makes sense intuitively. When your team wins, especially after a long drought, fans are going to celebrate. Sometimes, the celebrations get sexy. When things get sexy, babies sometimes get made. That’s just the nature of celebrations and they’re a beautiful thing.

While it’s hard to determine how much or how little of a baby boom there was once the Capitals won the cub in 2018, there was a notable uptick in babies being named after players. There has also been some previous research about cities or regions that win the Super Bowl on whether a championship causes a spike in birth rates. To date, the research is inconclusive.

However, there is some reason to suspect that championships in certain areas cause a baby boom. When the Chicago Cubs won the world series in 2016, ending a championship drought that was over 100 years old, there was a documented uptick in births nine months later. That implies that whether or not a baby boom occurs after a championship depends heavily on the city.

This brings me back to the DC area. Just a month and a half ago, the Washington Nationals capped off a historic playoff run to win their first World Series since the franchise moved from Montreal back in 2005. It also marked the first World Series won by a DC baseball team since 1924.

As someone who lives near the area, I can confirm that this was an emotional achievement. I have family members who remembered vividly when DC lost its baseball team back in the 1970s. It was a sad time for the region. Some thought they would never see baseball in DC again.

Then, the Washington Nationals came back and, for most of their early history, they were terrible. Even when they got good, though, they developed a reputation for choking in the playoffs. For them to win it all this year, especially after starting 19-31, was nothing short of astounding.

The celebrations this achievement triggered were a sight to behold. It also had me check my calendar. The Nationals capped off their championship on October 30, 2019. That means in late July, early August 2020, we’ll find out just how much celebrating DC sports fans did after that historic achievement.

I’ve already got my calendar marked. I’m going to be keeping an eye on the local news to see if there’s an uptick in births throughout the area during that time. If I find something, I’ll be sure to share the results. Honestly, as a long-time resident of the DC/Baltimore area, I hope there is a bit of a spike. If nothing else, it’ll show the people in my area know how to celebrate in sexy ways.

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Selling (And Exploiting) Human Enhancement: An Ominous Lesson From “Superior Iron Man”

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How much would you be willing to pay for perfect health, perfect beauty, and a greater capacity to enjoy life as you see fit? This is not a rhetorical question. I would even argue that it’s an increasingly relevant question. In the coming years, answering it might even become more urgent.

I’ve talked about the prospects of human enhancement through emerging technology before. From its impact on our concept of beauty to how our society will function, there are many impacts to consider. Some of those impacts are already manifesting before our eyes. Just last year, the first genetically modified babies were born in China. Like it or not, this is happening.

It’s impossible to overstate the benefits, risks, and upheavals that human enhancement will have on our species and our world. Nobody knows for sure what’s going to happen as this technology matures or how societies, economies, and governments will react to it. Even so, it’s worth contemplating. It’s even worth imagining elaborate scenarios in fictional worlds.

While plenty of noteworthy stories have imagined such scenarios, some more dystopian than others, there’s one in particular I’d like to single out. It’s not entirely dystopian, but it does offer some distressing lessons about the larger economics of human enhancement. It also helps that those lessons come through a forgotten, but criminally underrated Iron Man comic.

Given the rapid rise of Iron Man’s star power over the past decade, his character is uniquely qualified to explore these difficult questions surrounding technology and how we use it. He is, at his core, a visionary who uses technology to solve problems, save lives, and occasionally fight invading aliens. In the series, “Superior Iron Man,” he takes that vision several steps further and cross many lines along the way.

While there are some convoluted circumstances surrounding this series, the ideas it explores are profound, even by the standards of superhero comics. You don’t need to know the specifics of those circumstances. They involve forces like magic and inversion spells, which are far too complicated to explain to those who haven’t followed Marvel comics for more than two decades.

The only detail anyone needs to know about “Superior Iron Man” is that the Tony Stark in this story is not the same lovable character that helped make Robert Downy Jr. one of the most lovable stars in Hollywood. This version of Tony is less bound by concepts of heroism, selflessness, and sobriety. That’s not to say he’s evil, but he’s definitely no hero.

Within this ethically bankrupt state, Tony embarks on a new initiative that’s as selfish as it is lucrative. It revolves around Extremis, an exotic cocktail of nanotechnology and biotechnology that effectively rewrites the blueprint of the entire human body into something better, stronger, and more robust. In essence, it is the ultimate tool for human enhancement.

While the initial version of Extremis was lethal to most people who used it, Tony creates a more commercialized version in “Superior Iron Man” that gives everyone a chance to enjoy its benefits. He calls it Extremis 3.0 and people can access it through a simple smartphone app. With it, people can achieve what Tony describes as physical perfection.

Everyone can be perfectly healthy.

Everyone can be young and beautiful.

Everyone can be functionally immortal.

It sounds like a miracle drug and by every measure, it is. This isn’t some Dr. Oz wannabe pitching vitamins that do nothing other than give you false hope. This technology actually works. With it, Tony gives the entire city of San Francisco a chance to experience the fruits of human enhancement.

Understandably, once people get a taste of what Extremis 3.0 has to offer, they love it. They also take full advantage of it. At one point in the story, Pepper Potts says it’s turning the streets of San Francisco into a non-stop parade of debauchery and self-indulgence. Tony does not see this as a bad thing. If anything, it perfectly complements his plans and his renewed appetite for self-indulgence.

This is where “Superior Iron Man” attempts to answer that question about putting a price on physical perfection. Writer Tom Taylor, alongside artist Yildiray Çinar, doesn’t hide from the disturbing parts of that answer. By the end of the first issue, Tony puts a literal price on that perfection. Needless to say, it causes plenty of conflict and it escalates quickly.

When he initially released Extremis 3.0 onto San Francisco, he gives ordinary people a taste of what it’s like to be as fit as Captain America, as beautiful as Emma Frost, and as physically endowed as Thor. It’s not a drug that just attempts to match that feeling. It physically changes their bodies and their capacity for using them. That taste, however, was just a free sample. To keep enjoying it, they must pay $99 a day.

It’s crude trick right out of the playbook of subscription apps. People get a free trial period that’s just long enough to get them hooked. Then, before they even realize they have to pay anything, they get hit with a paywall. It’s a cruel bait-and-switch, but this isn’t just another streaming video service. This is physical perfection and unlimited self-indulgence. Is $99 a day really that unreasonable?

It certainly rubs plenty of people the wrong way, including many of Tony’s long-time friends and allies. Both Daredevil and Pepper Potts turn against him for such devious tactic. It also has some noticeable effects on the people who use it. By the end of the first issue, a stark class divide emerges between those who can afford Extremis 3.0 and those who can’t.

Naturally, it causes crime and conflict among the residents of San Francisco. Tony, now both feared and beloved by these people, takes it upon himself to manage it. He gains power, wealth, status, and an endless supply of eager party guests for whenever he seeks to indulge. It’s a perfect cocktail of recklessness and irresponsibility.

Without spoiling the rest of the story, which ended too soon, I think it’s worth taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture that “Superior Iron Man” presented. If you take away the iconic characters and the superhero themes, you get a story about a selfish business tycoon who has sole possession of the ultimate biotech product.

The goal isn’t to heal the sick, ease suffering, or evolve the human species. The goal is simply to make a lot of money, feed an inflated ego, and indulge in every conceivable vice without consequences. It’s a worst-case scenario for liberals and conservatives, alike. At the same time, it makes a compelling case that our current system can’t handle the impacts of large-scale human enhancement.

That doesn’t mean it can’t succeed in our current system. The size of the current biotech industry is already measured in the hundreds of billions. Overpriced drugs are nothing new, either. Just this past year, the FDA approved a drug called Zolgensma, which costs $425,000 a year for five years to treat a rare genetic disorder called spinal muscular atrophy.

By comparison, Extremis 3.0 is a bargain with far greater value. Even at $99 a day, the yearly cost of enjoying that physical perfection amounts to around $36,500 a year. That still takes up a good chunk of the average income for most Americans, but considering all the benefits of having a perfect body, is it still a bargain?

For anyone who has overpaid for inflated medical expenses, I suspect they would gladly pay that high price for Extremis 3.0. Tony Stark banked on that in “Superior Iron Man” and he was right. People did pay and it was very lucrative for him. The population of the San Francisco Bay Area in which he unleashed Extremis 3.0 is around 4.6 million. At $99 a day, that’s a potential annual revenue of $167 billion.

In terms of business ranking, that would put Tony’s venture in the top 20 in terms of largest companies by revenue. If he were to unleash Extremis on the entire United States, the potential annual revenue would be near $11.8 trillion. That’s a little more than half of the entire US economy.

Imagine one company, let alone one person, having that much money and influence over a population. Tony was already a billionaire before “Superior Iron Man,” but Extremis 3.0 rewarded him with more than just money. Tony, being the sole provider, held a great deal of power and influence over San Francisco. As is often the case in superhero stories, that power goes to his head.

That story plays out in the real world just as often. In some cases, it brings out the worst in people. For a product like Extremis 3.0, which provides human enhancement into a simple commercial package that anyone can access through an app, the potential for abuse is much worse.

Beyond the greed it would inspire and the recklessness it fosters, it would also widen and solidify a gap in society that might be impossible to close. The wealth gap is in the non-superhero world is already egregious. Adding something like Extremis 3.0 to the mix would only make it immeasurably worse.

More than a few people has expressed concern about the prospects of such an enormous societal divide. “Superior Iron Man” showed just how bad it could get and how quickly it could escalate. While the series only managed to explore this conflict to a point before it got canceled, Tom Taylor did enough to get a powerful point across.

In a world where human enhancement is real and commercially available, how do we go about distributing it among a population? Should we put a price on it? How high should that price be? Who should be in control of it?

Worst case scenario.

Superior Iron Man” never got a chance to explore the answers, but these are questions that will become increasingly relevant as advances in biotechnology accelerate. We may not be close to having a product like Extremis 3.0 and it’s uncertain whether we’ll even develop something like it in the next few decades.

Even if we do, “Superior Iron Man” made one thing clear. We, as a species and a society, are not ready for it.

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“Wonder Woman 1984” Trailer Is Here (And It’s Wonderful)!

We live in a strange, yet wonderful era when it comes to movie trailers. It’s strange in that sometimes, the trailers are basically the movie. It tells you pretty much everything and if you go to see the movie, you don’t get much more than you got out of the trailer. That’s basically how I felt about “Suicide Squad.”

That’s a downside. The upside, however, more than makes up for it. When done right, a great movie trailer can take your excitement for a movie and turn it up to 11. You might have been excited about a movie already. In the internet era, that’s easier than ever. Then, the trailer comes along and suddenly, you feel like there’s liquid awesome flowing into your veins. It’s a great feeling.

That brings me to “Wonder Woman 1984.” It’s the sequel to the first movie that was groundbreaking in so many ways. I did plenty to praise it when it came out. I even made a wish list on what I wanted to see in the sequel. I didn’t know how much I would actually get when more details came out.

Now, those details are here! The first trailer of “Wonder Woman 1984” has officially dropped. All I can say is, it’s a wonder to behold and if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it at least 10 times, like I did.

Sure, other movies can promise a lot, but can they promise a female warrior demigod swinging from bolts of lightning from a magic lasso? I didn’t think so.

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Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Romantic (And Sexy) Manners Edition

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When it comes to sex appeal, manners rarely rank near the top. In fact, they tend to lag behind the the inherent appeal of bad boys, deviants, and other traits every metal band in the 1980s took to an extreme. While there will always be certain women who are attracted to bad boys and men who are attracted to bad girls, there’s still a unique appeal to good old fashioned manners.

I had to amazing parents and several siblings who instilled in me a strong appreciation of manners. I’ve noted before how they taught me the importance of little things like holding the door for a woman. I like to think I’ve taken those lessons to heart and not just with respect to holding the door. When I’m in the presence of a lady, I raise the bar for my mannerisms.

While every situation is different and every woman responds to behaviors differently, I’ve learned over the years that everyone wants to feel valued. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, as well. Manners help us convey that message. They help us communicate that we value them as people. We want them to feel happy, comfortable, and safe in our presence.

It doesn’t always have to include sex appeal, but it certainly can serve as a foundation. It’s true. Manners can be sexy. I saw this first hand while I was dating my ex-girlfriend. When I did something as simple as pull out a chair for her, she responded favorably. It meant a lot to her and she returned the favor in other ways, some of which were very sexy.

Manners may never be as sexy as the bad boys and bad girls of this world, but they’ll always have an appeal on some level. That appeal is worth acknowledging and celebrating. I hope this edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts helps contribute to that effort. Enjoy!


“Honesty won’t get you laid, but it will limit the damage to your ego, genitals, and bank account in the long run.”


“Practically speaking, it’s impossible to give a man a blowjob without him noticing.”


“Giving someone oral sex won’t win an argument, but it will make compromise a lot easier.”


“The fact that some people can have sex while sleepwalking proves that we’re horny even when we’re unconscious.”


“On some levels, we want our lover’s to be good listeners so we don’t have to overtly tell them our kinks.”


“Breasts don’t directly cause sexy thoughts, but they do plenty to inspire them.”


“To some extent, being a workaholic is just an unsexy version of S&M.”


Good manners aren’t that difficult to exercise. For the most part, they’re just a byproduct of common sense and basic human decency. Simple or not, they go a long way towards showing someone we care about them. It may not get them overly excited, but it will send a powerful message about the breadth of your passion.

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“Decorating Love” A Sexy Short Story (About Christmas Decorations)

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The following is a sexy short story about love and decorating a Christmas tree. The holidays are upon us and this part of it is near and dear to my heart. Since I was a kid, I’ve loved putting up Christmas decorations and decorating Christmas trees. As an adult, I’m often the first one to put his up and if I ever meet that special someone, I hope share my love of this festive activity with her.

Until then, enjoy this sexy short story inspired by one of my favorite holiday activities. Enjoy!

“Perfect! It’s finally perfect,” said a beaming Christopher Krane.

“Are you absolutely sure this time? Because you said that twice before and the sun has set since then,” said Karen with a bemused grin.

“I’m sure this time. I’m completely, totally sure!”

Karen shook her head and rolled her eyes, but couldn’t stop smiling. No matter how many times she saw it, he never failed to amaze her. There were people who just enjoyed the holidays and there were people who went the extra mile. Then, there was her husband, Chris. He was in a class all his own.

Around the same time every year, her high school sweetheart turned transformed into a different person. It started just a few days after Halloween. When most people were still eating candy and planning their Thanksgiving travel plans, Chris was breaking out the Christmas decorations and plotting how to turn their modest suburban house into a holiday haven. Many teased him for putting his decorations up so early. A few, including some of their neighbors, were annoyed by it.

That never dissuaded him. If anything, it encouraged him. Chris was rarely content with just putting up a few lights. He had to make it a work of art. He turned a bare, artificial 9-foot tree into a dazzling spectacle of multi-colored lights, a diverse array of ornaments, and a silver star that his grandmother gave him when he was a kid. He also strung up lights along the walls, put custom-made wreaths on the doors, and swapped out pictures for various holiday displays.

It usually took up half a weekend. Before they got married, Karen used to reserve that weekend for errands or a spa trip or a day with friends. However, shortly after they got engaged, Chris’ grandmother took her aside and told her how important it was to embrace her son’s holiday spirit.

“It means a lot to him, Karen,” she’d told him, “and it’ll mean even more for you to become part of it.”

His grandmother died just a year after their wedding. Before then, she’d told Karen how she and his grandfather made Christmas such a spectacle for their grandchildren. Growing up, Chris’ parents worked all the time and rarely had the resources to make Christmas special. His grandparents took it upon themselves to pick up the slack and, much to his parents’ chagrin, they overcompensated.

It left an indelible mark on Chris, more so than his two younger sisters. He made it clear while they were dating that if he had the means, then he would do Christmas in a way that would make his grandparents proud. He even joked that he would overdo it. When he achieved those means by co-founding a biotech business with his college buddies, Karen realized that he hadn’t been joking.

“I’d say you’ve outdone yourself this year, but I know that would just jinx it for next year,” Karen teased as she watched her husband marvel at their work.

“You know me, Karen. I like to raise the bar,” Chris said proudly.

“There’s raising the bar and then there’s you on the holidays. That’s not a fair comparison.”

“You almost sound worried.”

“I’m not worried. I just like to remind you that it’s okay to be content with your work. You achieve so much throughout the year. Don’t just reserve that sentiment for the holidays.”

“I try not to,” he said, “and I think I’m getting better at it. That’s still not going to stop me from appreciating this time of year more than most.”

He kept on smiling like a kid on Christmas Eve as he took several steps back to get a full view of his work. Now standing beside her, he slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her in close as he gazed upon the festive display before them.

Jinx or not, her husband had once again created a dazzling holiday spectacle. The tree was fully lit, fully decorated, and radiating with Christmas spirit in all directions. The entirety of their living room had been rearranged to make room for the tree, so much so that Chris moved some of their furniture down to the basement. That included a few lamps, which meant their primary source of light during the day had to be the Christmas tree. She doubted that was an accident.

As difficult as it was to keep up with her husband’s Christmas spirit, Karen still found herself enjoying the moment with her husband. It was hard not to feel an impact from such spirit. While admiring the tree, she took his hand in hers and leaned on his shoulder.

“I would never try to stop you from celebrating the holidays, as only you can,” Karen told him.

“To be fair, my family did warn you before we got married,” Chris joked. “If you’re going to be in my family, then you’re going to have to go the extra mile during the holidays.”

“Trust me. I knew that came with the territory before we walked down the aisle,” she said. “What I didn’t know was how it would affect my own feelings towards the holidays.”

“What do you mean?” he asked her.

Karen’s demeanor shifted. As much as she enjoyed her husband’s festive spirit, it contrasted heavily with how she’d handled the holidays in the past. Being with Chris had changed a lot of things in her life. She just didn’t expect her perceptions of the holidays to change so significantly.

“You’ve met my parents. You know my family’s attitudes towards holidays, parties, and anything that’s needlessly elaborate,” said Karen.

“I haven’t forgotten,” Chris said. “I believe one of your father’s biggest rules was that if it cost more than a nice steak dinner, then it’s too much.”

“In his defense, he spent the first 10 years of my childhood fixing a bankrupt company that my uncle ruined,” she said. “He prided himself on doing more with less. That extended to the holidays. The man wouldn’t even let us get a tree until the week before Christmas, just to save money on the electric bill.”

“That’s just cruel,” he said.

“It was also a habit he tried to impart on me and my sisters. Given my taste for premium dresses, I don’t think it took. It still showed in other ways, though. Even before we got together, I saw the holidays as more a formality than a celebration. I knew you loved to take is seriously, but even after I could afford to be less stingy, I didn’t get into the spirit. Hell, I used my Christmas bonus from the travel agency on a new toaster oven.”

“Guess your spirit needed an extra spark,” Chris said.

“More like several,” said Karen, “and you gave me more than that.”

She drew him into a deeper embrace, turning him away from the dazzling Christmas tree that now dominated their living room and towards her. He quickly gave her his full attention, snaking his arms around her waist and gazing into her eyes with a love befitting of any holiday.

“I needed to start seeing things as something worthy of extra effort. I needed to stop looking at everything as a measure of cost and resources,” she went on. “It’s okay to go over the top. It’s even okay to go overboard. You just have to make sure it’s worth all that effort.”

“Well, I’d say the holidays are definingly worthy,” Chris said.

“I wasn’t just talking about the holidays, Chris.”

Her voice echoed with heavy emotions. Her embrace deepened as well. Under the glow of their oversized Christmas tree, the same love that brought them together shined brighter than ever. It seemed so fitting. It also reminded Karen of how much effort she’d put into her life with Chris.

Now, standing in his arms within a nice home laden with holiday decorations, she could say it with certainty. Their love had been worth the effort.

“I see,” he said, his smile now beaming with a different kind of spirit. “To be fair, I always sensed a brighter spirit within you, Karen. It was one of the many reasons I fell in love with you.”

“You helped draw that spirit out, Chris,” Karen said. “For that, I’ll always be thankful.”

“So will I,” he told her, “but if you really want to thank me, you’ll join me in celebrating the next part of my elaborate holiday effort.”

“Which part? You have so many,” she teased.

“I think you know which one I’m talking about,” he said in a deeper, manlier tone. “It just happens to be the one we can only do together.”

As if to leave no room for ambiguity, he reached into his pocket and used his phone to turn on their gas fireplace across the room. Having also decorated the fireplace with stockings and a garland, its crackling embers glowed with a more festive hue. It signaled that he was ready for one of their favorite holiday traditions, which often occurred weeks before the holidays even arrived.

Karen got the message. Without saying a word, she followed her husband to the area just in front of the fireplace where he had laid a Christmas-themed rug atop the plush carpet. The heat from the fireplace was already making her clothes feel uncomfortably itchy. Again, that was likely by design.

“Oh…that one,” Karen said playfully, pretending it was a revelation.

“I know we usually wait until the Sunday night after I’ve put everything up,” Chris said, “but if you’re already feeling the holiday spirit…”

He let his words trail off, but it didn’t take a Christmas miracle to seal Karen’s choice. Once again, her husband’s uncanny holiday spirit had inspired her in unexpected ways.

“I’m feeling quite spirited already,” she told him, “too spirited for these clothes.”

“I can help with that. Some gifts, after all, are worth unwrapping early.”

She laughed, but Chris remained dead serious as he kissed her under the many holiday lights, feeling her up with those strong hands of his. The same hands that helped decorate the house with so much holiday cheer were now on her body. The prospect of feeling those hands on her naked skin turned Karen on in just the right ways.

That prospect became very real, very quickly. As her husband tenderly kissed her lips, he went to work undressing her. He started with her pants, undoing the zipper and pushing them down to the floor, revealing the simple black panties she’d worn all day. Had she known her husband’s Christmas spirit would turn her on, she’d have worn something sexier.

Chris didn’t seem to mind. It didn’t slow him down, either. Just as she kicked off her pants, he removed her sweatshirt and bra, leaving her almost naked, except for her panties. Almost immediately, Chris shifted those skilled hands of his to her breasts, giving them a nice squeeze to get her passions and her juices flowing.

As much as Karen enjoyed that feeling, she hadn’t forgotten how overdressed she was. With the heat radiating from the fireplace, she imagined that sweater he was wearing felt very hot.

“I’m already feeling the spirit,” she said seductively. “It makes me want to unwrap a gift of my own.”

“Well, since you’ve been such a good girl…”

Again, his words trailed off, leaving her to fill in the blanks. She answered with another kiss before undressing him as well.

Karen was more urgent in getting her lover’s clothes off. Whether due to the holiday spirit or just having such a wonderful husband, she craved his intimate touch. Just as he’d done with her, she started with his pants, removing them along with his underwear. Before he could even kick them off, he pulled off the sweater and T-shirt he had on underneath, rendering him fully nude. In the festive light of the fireplace and the Christmas tree, her love’s naked body glowed with a special radiance.

“A good girl can still have naughty thoughts, right?” Karen said seductively as she pawed his chest and fondled his penis.

“I don’t know. I don’t think Santa Claus has a policy on that,” Chris said, reacting favorably to her touch, “but I do know his policy with respect to those who satisfy their lovers.”

“Do you, now?”

“Want me to prove it?”

“I admit, I’m curious!”

They shared some naughty laughter before coming together in a semi-naked embrace. She kept pawing his chest while rubbing her thigh up against his crotch, causing his penis to stiffen. He returned the favor by fondling her breast and squeezing her butt, something he knew got her wet. In the same way he knew how to decorate a Christmas tree, Chris new how to get her in the mood.

Utilizing those skills to the utmost, he took her in his arms and laid her down on the rug just in front of the fireplace. He was gentle and careful, not unlike he was on their honeymoon when he carried her into their hotel suite. Once she was on her back, he hovered over top of her, kissing and caressing her body with loving reverence. No matter what form their intimacy took, Chris never failed to make her feel love. Like everything else he did on the holidays, he made sure he put in the extra effort.

“Lie back. Relax,” he told her. “I’m going to make you feel nice and naughty!”

“Mmm…sounds challenging,” Karen said coyly.

“You know me. When it comes to the holiday, I love going the extra mile!”

He continued his festive efforts, kissing her again and showering her with loving touch. Karen let out joyous gasps, the warm tingles of his gestures adding to her arousal. Like adding logs to a fire, Chris intensified that feeling bit by bit.

He steadily worked his way down her body, trailing his lips down her neck, shoulders, and chest. He continued giving special attention to her breasts, kneading her fleshy mounds with both hands and giving her nipples a light pinch. That sent chills down her spin, which contrasted perfectly with the heat from the fireplace. It also intensified the heat between her legs, which made her panties more of a burden.

Chris must have sensed it. With his face buried between her breasts, he slipped his hands down to her panties.

“Just one last present to unwrap,” he told her.

“Please…unwrap it,” Karen told him.

Already breathing heavily, she elevated her hips so that he could get them off. As soon as Chris discarded them, he shifted his attention away from her breasts and towards her inner thighs. Now lying completely naked under her lover’s impassioned gaze, she welcomed the next part of their little tradition.

Moving with more urgency, he trailed his lips down her torso, over her naval, and eventually arrived at her inner thighs. Once there, she eagerly spread her legs so that he could get a good whiff of her hot arousal.

“Wow! I can already sense your holiday spirit,” Chris teased as he inhaled her feminine scent.

“What can I say? You turn me on. The passion you put into the holidays…the passion you put into loving me…it just makes me so hot!”

“And you know me. I like my holiday treats nice and hot.”

Looking up from between her inner thighs, he cast her a seductive glance. It was hardly necessary at this stage of arousal, but it reaffirmed his commitment to going overboard on the holidays. True to that commitment, he turned his focus back on her womanhood. Then, with a passion every bit as intense as his holiday spirit, he began giving her oral sex.

He approached eating her out with the same attention to detail that he did when decorating the house. He used both hands, exercising focused care in stimulating her folds. He probed her depths with his tongue and fingers, making sure to hit all the right spots to evoke all the right sensations.

In short order, those hot sensations coursed through her body like ripples of pure bliss. Karen let out sharp moans, bending her legs back more so that her lover could probe deeper. She also began arching her back and fondling her breasts, a common reflex for whenever her husband got her extra excited with the prospect of intimate lovemaking.

“Ooh Chris!” Karen moaned out. “That’s it! Enjoy your treat!”

Chris replied only with a deep moan, but never lost focus. He continued eating her out, building the extent of her arousal to the utmost. Karen knew how he liked to prepare her. He got her close to orgasm before uniting their flesh. During the holidays, he was much more thorough with his preparations.

Whether it involved decorating a Christmas tree or giving her oral sex, Chris went the extra mile and then some. The results were as enjoyable as they were festive. They also set the stage for the next part of their holiday intimacy.

“Karen, my beautiful wife,” Chris said, looking up from her inner thighs once more.

“Yes, my wonderful husband?” Karen said, already dazed from his sensual efforts.

“Are you ready to make love…down by the fire…under the light of our Christmas tree?”

“Yes!” she said without hesitation. “I’m ready for your holiday loving. I’m so…so ready.”

She was short of breath, but full of spirit. That gave Chris all the assurance he needed that she was prepared for the holiday loving that they’d come to love.

Having ensured her arousal, he got back on top of her. In doing so, he revealed that he had a raging boner. Eating her out always seemed to turn him on. That, and the holidays seemed to turn him on more than most. It made for a potent combination, allowing him to align their bodies in preparation for that final festive union.

“Chris…my Christmas stud,” Karen said to him. “Take me!”

He willingly followed her into that sexual daze. As she caressed his face and gazed lovingly into his eyes, her holiday-loving lover unleashed the full force of his loving passion onto her.

He started with a loving kiss to her neck. From there, he grabbed hold of her thighs, held her legs apart, and thrust his hips forward, driving his erect manhood into her. Like a culmination of shared Christmas spirit, their flesh united, her inner folds eagerly embracing his rigid length. Through that intimate union, a flood of wonderous pleasures ensued.

“Karen…my Christmas angel,” Chris whispered into her ears.

“Yes! Yes, Chris! Ohhh yes!” Karen joyously exclaimed.

Their love, combined with a little holiday spirit, took over from there. Chris set the sensual tone, working his body with hers, their naked flesh rocking and undulating in a steady rhythm. That rhythm quickly intensified as the desire escalated.

From such desire, chaotic gestures followed. Karen wildly roamed her hands over her lover’s back, leaving a few light scratch-marks along the way. Her lover didn’t seem to mind. If anything, it inspired him to rock her world harder with more fervent thrusts. Along the way, he hungrily kissed around her lips and neck, even nibbling on her ear lobe, which he knew drove her wild. He also kept using those skilled hands of his, squeezing her hips and feeling up her feminine curves. Even during heated lovemaking, he caressed her body with such reference.

It was a beautiful manifestation of their love amidst such festive surroundings. Grunts and gasps filled the living room as their skin seamlessly meshed through every motion. The heat from the fireplace and the lights from the many Christmas decorations bathed their naked bodies in a unique glow. Despite the bitter cold weather outside, they worked up a good sweat. Something about that made their sex even more special.

“Perfect,” Karen gasped, mirroring her husband’s words from earlier. “It really is…so perfect.”

There was no other word to describe it. Making love to her husband while surrounded by such a holiday spectacle felt so appropriate. After spending much of her life keeping holiday festivities to a minimum, it was a major change, but one she gladly embraced.

Sharing in her husband’s holiday enthusiasm, she played a more active role in their sex. Their passionate moments often began simply, usually involving basic oral followed by basic missionary. It rarely stayed that way. She’d learned early in her relationship with Chris that keeping things basic rarely sufficed.

Once he got the rhythm going, Karen helped balance out the erotic effort. They alternated positions with her getting on top, riding him cowgirl for a while before getting on her hands and knees so that he could take her from behind. She dared to be playful with him and he knew how to keep up with her. In the same way he loved drawing out the holidays, Chris loved drawing out their lovemaking. Like waiting until Christmas morning to open presents, it built anticipation and excitement.

His approach made the gift of orgasmic ecstasy even more meaningful. After following her through a variety of intimate positions, Chris had her on the brink. He must have planned it out as effectively as he planned decorations because he had her in the perfect position. While lying on her side, facing the tree he’d just finished decorating, he spooned her from behind. He angled her body just right, allowing him to thrust into her from behind. It also allowed him to reach around and fondle her clit with one hand, guiding her towards her release.

“Chris…I’m close. I’m really…really close!” she panted while gazing up at the dazzling Christmas tree.

“I am too,” Chris whispered into her ear. “Enjoy the feeling and the sights…while we come together!”

As their naked bodies moved with more urgency, she took his hand in hers and interlaced their fingers. Together, they held on for their coming peak. With so much festive ambiance around them, it promised to usher in the holiday season in the best possible way.

“Oohhh Chris!”

“Oh Karen!”

Their euphoric moans rang out like an erotic holiday spectacle. It signaled the unraveling of a wondrous gift and, true to the season, they shared it eagerly.

Karen felt it first. A hot, orgasmic release washed over her. Intense throbbing muscles in her lower body coincided with waves of raw pleasure. Chris soon joined her, the extra tightness in her womanly depths sending him over the edge. He squeezed her hand harder and let out a deep grunt as he released his manly load inside her, their sex coming together in a potent mixture within her. She could feel the breadth of his ecstasy in his touch, their bodies perfectly synchronized to their release.

As he bathed in the orgasmic afterglow with her, their bodies parted and she turned over to face him. Now lying side by side, still naked and surrounded in a perfectly decorated living room, the power of the holiday season really sank in. Karen hadn’t appreciated it while growing up, but she definitely appreciated it now.

Thanks to the dedicated love and uncanny Christmas spirit of a very special man, she understood the true magic of the season.

“I love you, Chris,” Karen told him.

“I love you too, Karen,” her love replied.

“I know it’s early. I know you’ve got all these amazing holiday plans,” she went on, “but rest assured, you’ve already given me the greatest gift.”

“Good to know,” Chris said with another one of those beaming grins, “but don’t think for a second I’m done making the holidays special. There’s plenty more to celebrate. And it’s going to be special. That, I promise you!”

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How I Would Propose To The Love Of My Life

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We all like to think we know exactly what we’ll say to the love of our life when we first meet them. We also like to think we’ll know exactly what we’ll say when we propose, along with where and how we’ll go about it. Whether you’re a romantic or not, we all entertain those perfect moments, even if the prospect of realizing them seems so distant.

Being a self-proclaimed romantic who writes erotica romance novels and sexy short stories, I suspect I contemplate those moments more than most. I know it’s somewhat taboo for straight men to admit they think about such things, let alone act on them, but I believe men are more romantically inclined than most people think. There are plenty real-life stories of heartfelt romantic gestures that prove that.

I sincerely hope that one day, I’ll find someone with which I can share such gestures. As corny as it may sound, I believe in love. I watch it in my favorite movies and read about it in my favorite comics. I also see it in real life with friends and family members who have met the love of their lives. The way they describe their love is greater than anything I could ever put into a story.

Even if that kind of love is the exception rather than the norm, it’s still something I want to pursue. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever achieve it, but I intend to leave my heart open and ready for when it comes. Should that love come along, I’ve already contemplated how I would go about proposing to her. Since it involves the holidays, I thought this would be a great time to share this sentiment.

Before I do, just know that this is going to be cheesy. It’s going to be dramatic and full of romantic fluff, inspired by someone who watched more romance movies than any straight man will admit to seeing. I don’t care either way. This is how I would go about forging the perfect moment to propose to the love of my life.

The setting begins under the guise of a trip. I tell my love that I’d like to go to the annual Christmas tree lighting at Rockefeller Center in New York City. I intend to purchase two VIP access tickets and reserve a hotel suite in the heart of the city. If she agrees, I then organize the next part of the spectacle.

I initially present it as a romantic getaway to get us in the holiday spirit. Perhaps it’s not even the first time we’ve made the trip. The idea is to make sure she doesn’t suspect anything out of the ordinary. Before we even fly out to New York, however, I secretly coordinate with the necessary personnel to ensure there’s a private area for us to share at some point during our visit.

While this area is prepared, we make the trip. We enjoy the sights and spectacles of New York, taking in the holiday festivities. I make sure we’ve got the best seats we can get for the lighting. We cheer with the crowds as the ceremony unfolds. Afterwards, we take advantage of the VIP tickets I bought to take a private tour of Rockefeller Center.

We proceed with the tour like any ordinary couple. Then, once we get to the tree, the rest of the VIPs disperse, as I’ve secretly organized with the tour guide. From there, I guide my love to a private area in front of the tree. Then, while looking up at its beautiful lights and marvelous decorations, I take her hand and tell her how much she means to me.

I try my best to put into words the breadth of my love for her. When words finally fail me, I get down on one knee, present her with a velvet box containing a beautiful diamond ring, and ask her to merry me. When she joyously accepts, I make it a point to memorize every aspect of her reaction.

From there, I place the ring on her finger. We kiss under the light of the tree and seal our love in a way that makes every holiday even more special.

I know it’s cheesy as hell. It might not even be that practical, given how crowded it gets at Rockefeller Center during the Christmas Tree lighting. I’d have to sell a lot of novels to make something like this happen, but if I really do meet a woman that I love with all my heart, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay.

That kind of love is worth it. On top of that, it would make the holidays even more memorable than they already are. In terms of romantic moments, I can’t think of anything more fitting. I just hope I have a chance to share it with that special someone.

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