Tag Archives: adult humor

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: “Deadpool 2” Edition

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Greetings, fellow lovers of Deadpool, tacos, and poop jokes. Once again, we find ourselves in uniquely prosperous times. Just a few weeks ago, the world became inherently more awesome with the debut of “Avengers: Infinity War.” That movie was an epic cinematic marvel that I went out of my way to praise. This week, another marvel of a more vulgar sort has arrived.

That’s right. The wait is over! “Deadpool 2” has arrived. Get a clean pair of panties and leave your tender sensibilities at the door because the Merc with the Mouth is back, once again through the lovable spirit that is Ryan Reynolds. He’s back with his R-rated antics and the world is better because of it.

I’ve praised “Deadpool” since the earliest days of this site. This movie has left me with plenty more things to praise. Some will make you sick to your stomach. Some will make you laugh hysterically. Some will even make you horny. When a former sexiest man alive and ex-husband of Scarlett Johanssen is involved, how could it not?

The “Deadpool 2” is another one of those rare pieces of media that makes the world an objectively better place. Like cat videos and babies with dogs, it brings a special kind of joy to our lives, along with some sex appeal. In that R-rated spirit, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to “Deadpool 2” and all the vulgar spectacle it embodies.


“If intelligent design were real, then wouldn’t every man’s penis vibrate during sex?”


“True love is having someone who’s willing to unclog your toilet for free.”


“Drunk sex and drunk texting can be equally damaging to a relationship.”


“The foundation of any successful relationship is less about avoiding screw ups and more about not getting caught.”


“A wedding reception is just an opportunity for relatives to celebrate that two people they know are going to have sex.”


“It’s very likely that the invention of acting coincided with the first instance of role playing during sex.”


“Groupies are the sexual equivalent of unpaid interns.”


I hope these sexy musings embody the fourth-wall breaking effort that would make Deadpool proud and/or horny. I like to think he has a greater appreciation than most for the dirty, kinky musings that cross our minds in a given day. For those still buzzing from the move or are still in line to see it, I hope this supplements the experience. If it requires a clean pair of panties or underwear, then all I can say is you’re welcome.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Icy Roads Edition

As I write this, a good chunk of the country is dealing with yet another snowstorm and/or the kind of bitter cold that kills the mood, even ardent romantics like myself. Believe me, as someone who savors the ability to sleep naked, when I say that I’m not at all a fan of these conditions. That’s why I still plan to retire to a tropical climate as soon as I sell enough sexy novels.

There are many frustrations that come with winter weather. Where I live, a good chunk of those frustrations manifest in the traffic conditions around my area. I know there are some parts of the country that are very familiar and very adept at dealing with those condition. I don’t live in those parts so that means just driving to the grocery store ensures many middle fingers will get some extra use.

For the next several weeks, at least, I’ll be smelling rock salt wherever I go and watching cars skid haplessly along the road. It’s not going to be a pleasant experience, but I’ve endured far worse before. In the end, it only makes that special moment when I can comfortably sleep naked again that much more magical.

Until that time comes, the best I can do is maintain some semblance of a sexy mood while this lousy weather passes. Whether you’re stuck at home or stuck enduring winter traffic, this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts is for you. Hope it helps keep you warm, among other things.


“Undersized briefs are the closest men will ever come to knowing the discomfort women experience in wearing heels.”


“If you found yourself unable to perform in the bedroom last night, you can make up for it by cooking a damn good breakfast in the morning.”


“A man can’t know just how the extent of his hand/eye coordination until he attempts to shave his balls.”


“The fact that many drugs are compared to orgasms says a lot more about orgasms than drugs.”


“When you think about it, a strip club is basically eBay for various sexual experiences.”


“A broken condom is one of the few disasters that leads to the creation of life rather than the loss of it.”


“The true measure of a man’s integrity is measured by his willingness to pay for porn.”


If you’re snowed in, have a messy commute, or constantly scraping ice off your car, I hope this helps. If you’re already sick of rock salt ruining your shoes, I hope this helps too. If you’re lucky enough to live in a tropical climate during this time of year, I just envy you. Winter and lousy weather comes and goes. Sexy thoughts, however, have a much more memorable impact.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Christmas Eve Edition

It’s almost here! After weeks of decorating, shopping, gift-wrapping, holiday specials, and getting drunk on eggnog, the main event is almost upon us. Christmas is almost here. Admit it. The kid in you already restless, excited, and eager to see what Santa left them. Even if you’re an adult, those gift cards aren’t going to spend themselves.

I don’t care how old you are. There’s still something about Christmas that gets us excited in non-sexy, yet beautiful ways. Even if you’ve outgrown the toys and Christmas cookies, something about it still resonates with us. Unless you’re like Billy Bob Thorton’s character in “Bad Santa,” we all feel something warm and fuzzy in our hearts on Christmas morning and it’s not always the spiked eggnog.

As a kid, I have many fond Christmas memories. As an adult, I’ve tried to build on those memories. Sometimes, that involves going the extra mile for my family. Sometimes, that involves finding ways to add a little holiday sex appeal to the festivities. There are quite a few sexy stories I could tell, but I’ll save that for another time. I’d like to stay off Santa’s naughty list for now.

For now, I’m hoping this extra-festive edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts will get everyone in the holiday spirit, among other things. Whether you hate Christmas, don’t celebrate it, or just use it as excuse to watch “A Christmas Story” and “Die Hard,” I hope this helps get you in the right mood.


“Is it hypocritical that most people agree that sex is fun, but we built a major holiday around a story about a woman who gave birth without it?”


“Being a dick and having a dick aren’t mutually exclusive, but one can be a potent tool to motivate the other.”


“If practice makes perfect, then every prostitutes and porn star would qualify as a sex therapist.”


“Fathers make a big deal out of teaching their sons to be men, but don’t mind letting them figure out masturbation on their own.” 


“To young people today, a slow WiFi connection is every bit as infuriating as premature ejaculation.”


“A dorky guy with a big dick is like a bitchy girl with big tits in that potential lovers are slightly more willing to overlook their flaws.”


“Great sex makes every night feel like Christmas Eve and every morning feel like Christmas.”


I hope that helped inspire your holiday spirit and/or made your pants a little tighter. Either way, you’re welcome. I hope it makes whatever you and your family do on Christmas Eve to prepare that much more enjoyable. The holidays are a busy, but wonderful time. We all have our own way to enjoy it and if we can do it while feeling sexy as hell, then that’s just a nice bonus.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Date Night Edition

In general, having great sex and maintaining a strong romance are similar in that there’s no one right way to do it. What works for one person or might not work for another. What’s quirky for one couple might be mundane for another. Love is a diverse, erratic, and beautiful thing. Like flowers in a garden, it blooms in many ways.

That said, there are some methods that have been scientifically proven, to some extent, to keep those sexy passions burning. Sure, lovers may get used to each other after a while, so much so that they know their favorite brand of toilet paper and what color dildo they prefer, but there are plenty of ways to keep things interesting. You just have to use your kinky imagination and a little basic brain hacking.

That’s where regular date nights come in. According to actual research, having regular date nights where a couple sets aside all distractions and focuses on getting frisky improves their chances at forging a lasting romance. It makes sense. By regularly putting some passionate effort into one another, you’re bound to keep things heated.

That’s why I highly recommend date nights for aspiring lovers, such as those I write about in my novels. While you and your lover are making those sexy plans, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to set the mood.


“Begging for oral sex versus begging to give oral sex creates create wildly different situations for each gender.” 


“Relationship advice is like the stock market in that nobody can predict how it will pan out, only a few strike it rich, and major crashes cause major panic.” 


“At strip clubs or brothels, there’s really no such thing as an awkward boner.”


“If a relationship expert is single, does that inherently make them an hypocrite?”


“What does it say about us when so many people find a woman’s feet sexy, but nobody finds a man’s balls sexy?”


“Makeup sex is like soggy pizza. It’s not great, it’s not entirely satisfying, and we may think less of ourselves for enjoying it, but it’s still palatable and it gets the job done.”


“Pity sex is like the Pumpkin Latte of sex in that it’s okay to have every once in a while, but not on a regular basis.”


For all you spouses, lovers, or friends-with-benefits out there, I hope this helps get you in the mood for date night, whenever it might be. Being in love doesn’t mean you stop trying. You still have to put in the effort to make that love fruitful. Given how that effort can result in some quality sexy time, I honestly can’t think of anything more worthwhile.

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In Memory Of Hugh Hefner And The Sex Positivity He Inspired

On September 28, 2017 the world lost a true champion of all things sexy. Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy and a sexual pioneer who helped loosened the panties of an uptight world, is dead at 91. Everyone from strippers to gigolos to sluts to studs to aspiring erotica/romance writers are all in a state of mourning.

Playboy may not be as prominent or taboo as it used to be, especially in the era of internet porn, but it’s impossible to overstate its influence on the sexual landscape we see today. Compared to where it was and the world Hefner grew up in, what he accomplished is almost as impressive as the number of hot blondes he slept with.

My generation, the latte-loving, overly-sensitive, debt ridden millennials, will likely never appreciate Hefner. As I write this, there are probably a few young people out there just shrugging their shoulders, surprised that Hefner hadn’t died years ago. I hope they’ll take a moment to appreciate how Hefner changed the culture around them. Without him, they might think being horny is a symptom of a brain tumor.

There’s a lot I can say about Henfer, but the outpouring of celebrities and former Playboy Playmates has already said it much better than I ever could. I’ll even admit that I probably still have some old back-issues of Playboy magazine gathering dust in my closet. I might just open them up again, if only to pay tribute to the man who dared to think that sex could be a positive thing.

That, more than anything, including hot blondes and working in pajamas, should be part of Hefner’s greatest legacies. It’s a legacy that allows aspiring erotica/romance writers like me to believe that it is possible to craft hot, sexy stories that will titillate others for all the right reasons. Sex, be it an erotica novel or a nude centerfold, can be a good thing.

Considering that Hugh Hefner grew up in a conservative, Methodist family, it’s pretty remarkable/ironic that he became the visionary for a sexual revolution that went beyond the free-loving hippie movement that burned out. He lived long enough to see the rise of hippies, the decline of pubic hair and the porno mustache, and the mainstreaming of internet porn. The man saw a lot, but lived a lot too.

Between the sexy parties he threw at the famous Playboy Mansion to the careers he launched, including sexy icons like Marilyn Monroe and Pamela Anderson, Hef lived a life that embodied an ideal. Like a superhero for the horny, he dared to make a man’s sexual fantasy a reality. Whether you’re disgusted or envious of that life, there’s no denying that Hef liked to enjoy himself.

He lived that life knowing that there would always be a certain contingent of angry, uptight prudes who see anything sexy or fun as a ghastly affront to all things good and decent. These people, be they religious conservatives or humorless politically correct asshats, will never be able to say they lived as interesting a life as Hefner. They’ll also never be able to undo the sex-positive movement that he helped inspire.

When I talk about sex-positivity, I’m not just referring to the counterpoints to those who favor the sexual morality espoused by celibate priests or certain female superheroes who embody that spirit. I’m referring to a mindset and a cultural attitude that sees sexuality as something healthy, positive, and good.

That’s something society needed back in Hef’s day where anything that didn’t match the sitcoms of the day was considered deviant. That’s something we need today when certain segments of society seem to be getting more sexually uptight. That’s something our species needs, as a whole, if only our evolutionary inclinations to survive and reproduce.

Sex and how society treats sexuality had a long, sordid history of taboos, trends, and panics that can lead to some pretty disturbing attitudes, as John Harvey Kellogg demonstrated.  It will likely continue to be controversial, whether it’s overly sexy ads or advances in sex toys. What Hugh Hefner did was focus on the positives of sex, showing just how beautiful and fun they could be.

I don’t doubt that, over the course of the next few weeks, there will be people claiming that Hefner deserves no praise. They’ll blame him for advocating a hedonistic lifestyle, denigrating women, promoting toxic masculinity, and making baby Jesus cry. These people are entitled to their opinions, but not to any credibility. If they prefer to live in an unsexy world enforced by Vatican decrees, that’s their business.

That doesn’t change the fact that Hugh Hefner made the world a sexier place. He made it okay to admire the beauty of the female body. People forget that it wasn’t that long ago that the female form was looked upon with disgust. Some parts of the world still do. Some are even trying to regress us back to a periods where the sight of a sexy woman provokes outrage.

Those efforts are destined to fail in the long run because Hugh Hefner, as outrageous a lifestyle he lived, understood the power of sexuality and the inherent desire to celebrate its beauty. Our desires, lusts, and passions aren’t going away anytime soon, no matter how much the religious or politically correct asshats whine about it.

Moreover, Hefner understood how to convey those sex-positive attitudes in a way that shattered taboos and overpowered the shame that those same asshats had used for centuries. It’s telling when famous models like Kendra Wilkinson will come out and praise Hefner for giving women a chance to celebrate their beauty and become stars in their own right.

“A lot of women, so many women, thousands of women are so appreciative of Hef,” the Playboy model, 32, exclusively told Us Weekly in May 2016. “They are so happy that Hef gave them their chance and became who they are because of him.”

There will still be radical feminists and celibate religious officials who cry immorality or oppression. It doesn’t make the sentiments of those who knew and loved Hef less sincere. The man lived life to an extent that exceeds the wildest fantasies of the horniest men. For that, he deserves respect and praise. He will be missed dearly.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: 2017 Kickoff Edition

The wait is finally over. The countdown is just about complete. After seven agonizing months, the 2017 NFL regular season is here. The football fan in me couldn’t be more excited without getting a kiss from Jennifer Lawrence and Sophie Turner. I already gave my thoughts and predictions about the upcoming season. Now, it’s time to watch it unfold.

There’s a lot to love about football. Sure, there are still doomsayers who claim its days are numbered. I’ve already pointed out why those people are full of shit. For the rest of 2017, all those petty controversies about America’s favorite sport can become the afterthought it deserves to be. Football is back and I’m ready to celebrate!

As part of that celebration, I’m going to dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to my fellow football fans who endured the same agonizing wait that I did. I hope it both excites you and tides you over until kickoff. So sit back, grab a beer, cook up some buffalo wings, and enjoy the 2017 NFL season with me.


“Learning about sex through porn is like learning how to defuse a bomb from cop shows.”


“Doctor’s say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. By that same logic, does an ounce of foreplay amount to a pound of orgasms?”


“Flavored lube is the candied bacon of sexual accessories.”


“Genital piercings are proof that human beings are terrible at dealing with peer pressure.”


“A man in touch with his feminine side is cute, but a woman in touch with her masculine side is a bitch and that’s just not fair.”


“Given the inherent similarities, do wrestlers get confused during sex?”


“When you think about it, binge-watching is to movies what orgies are to sex.”


Those sexy thoughts should tide everyone over until kickoff. No matter who your favorite team is, how poorly they played last year, or how bad they’re projected to be this year, anything is possible now. Every team is undefeated. Every fan base is full of hope. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that.

At the very least, let’s be thankful to see sexy NFL cheerleaders again. That’s a team everyone can root for.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Labor Day Edition

Summer is just about over. Just typing that sentence out makes me sad. That means I’ll be putting away my speedo, my muscle shirts, and my flip-flops soon. In my part of the country, the cold weather tends to come fast and lingers like an itchy asshole. I’m not looking forward to that, to say the least.

In a sense, Labor Day is our last chance to really enjoy the warm weather, the beaches, and the bikinis one last time. Unless you live in a tropical climate, and I envy those who do, it’s a sight you’ll have to cherish until 2018. Having enjoyed my fair share of trips to the beach while sleeping naked in the muggy heat every night, I like to think this summer has been a success.

I’m still going to enjoy what’s left of it during Labor Day. I’ll drink a few extra cold beers. I’ll lounge around in swim trunks and flip flops. I’ll see if I can spot any more bikinis before they disappear for the rest of the year. I encourage everyone to do the same.

To aid in this effort, I dedicate this week of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the last days of summer. I hope everyone has a safe and sexy Labor Day. Enjoy it and get ready for a long, less sexy winter.


“Dancing may not count as outright foreplay, but in many cases, it still helps us exercise our humping skills.”


“No matter how smart you are, you’re always prone to stupidity when you’re really horny.”


“The fact that women are concerned with styling their hair while men are obsessed with NOT losing it makes hair, in general, is a perfect metaphor for modern romance.”


“Is a man who uses a dildo to please his lover compensating for something or just well-equipped?”


“In a sense, an elaborate wedding is two families paying exorbitant, up-front fees to permit two people to see each other naked on a regular basis.” 


“Sexiness takes work, sex appeal takes talent, and sex skills take practice. It’s just the last step that’s hardest to set up.”


“If actions speak louder than words, then a lover who just wants to talk about sex is sending mixed messages.”


The summer is just about over. Before long, you’ll be shoveling snow, shopping for Halloween candy, and putting up Christmas decorations, possibly within the same week. That’s all the more reason to cherish this Labor Day holiday to enjoy what’s left of summer.

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