Tag Archives: raunchy humor

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Thanksgiving Appetizer Edition

It’s almost here. Another holiday involving food is less than a week away. By now, I’m sure most have already finished up their Halloween candy and/or thrown away what kids and pets refuse to eat. Now, just as you’ve re-adjusted to not having so much sugar in your diet, you face another holiday that requires a major spike in calories.

While your waist line may hate you, your stomach says otherwise. In the same way your genitals cloud your opinion whenever you’re in the presence of your lover, the prospect of so much delicious food is sure to cloud your judgment. It’s okay, though. This is a holiday and one that we get to share with friends and family.

Personally, I love Thanksgiving. I’m lucky enough to have a family that goes all out. We get together, we watch football, we drink, we laugh, and we just have a damn good time. It’s a wonderful experience and one that brings out my holiday spirit for all the right reasons.

As I write this, I’m tempering my caloric intake in anticipation of Thanksgiving. That means I’ll be working up a hell of an appetite over the next few days. I encourage everyone to do the same. For this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I hope to stimulate that appetite, among other things.


“Making life decisions while you’re horny is like shopping on an empty stomach. Your judgment is sure to be skewed.”


“When you think about it, coffee is Viagra for our brains.”


“The line between making love and fucking defined by onset of leg cramps.”


“How we fall in love doesn’t matter as much as where, except when cemeteries are involved.”


“There’s a lot to know about sex. However, if you need more than a dictionary to know about love, then you may have issues.”


“Is having a sex doll that looks like your lover an act of cheating or an elaborate compliment?”


“If sex had homework, then would porn count as a study aid?”


I hope that helped everyone work up an appetite, among other things. Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year. It has food, family, and football. What more could you want without involving naked oil wrestling? You may argue it still doesn’t have much sex appeal. I would argue that no sex appeal ever manifested on an empty stomach.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Girls In Flannel Edition

There are certain types of attire that have a seasonal kind of sexiness. No, I’m not just talking about sexy Halloween costumes or sexy Santa costumes, which do exist. During certain times of the year, certain fashion just takes on a unique kind of sex appeal.

In the summer, it’s easy for anything to look sexy. It’s hot out. You can’t really wear much without it becoming an issue. That’s why the bikini works so well and is widely accepted as the pinnacle of summer sex appeal. In a season like fall, which tends to get cold and rainy in my area, it’s a bit more challenging.

That’s where flannel comes in. Yes, I realize flannel is not exactly the first choice of sexy attire for most people. Hell, most associate it with grunge rock of the early 1990s. However, I believe that flannel has an understated sex appeal that is unique to fall. Take that same person who looked so good in a bikini, put them in a little flannel, and you’ll see what I mean.

I don’t expect to convince all my audience, but I hope I’ve given some sexy minds out there some food for thought. In that sense, consider this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to be a desert, of sorts. Fall is here. We can’t do anything about it. As such, we must adapt our sex appeal accordingly.


“All work and no play is also a perfect description for boring sex.”


“A nice ass and a round ass aren’t mutually exclusive, but inherently complementary.”


“The sexual potential of any body part is directly proportional to its ability to be licked.”


“Rug burns and scratch marks are the battle scars of great sex.”


“The G-spot is to sex what god mode is to a video game.”


“Is asking someone for nudes really THAT different than asking someone for a resume?”


“When you think about it, the ultimate act of trust would be two hungry cannibals giving each other oral sex.”


The weather is getting colder. The days are getting shorter. Lounging around in your underwear without putting excess strain on your furnace is going to be a challenge for the next few months. That doesn’t mean we can’t find ways to dress and feel sexy around the house. In my efforts to become an erotica/romance writer, I’ve learned that people will always find a way to be sexy, regardless of the season.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Date Night Edition

In general, having great sex and maintaining a strong romance are similar in that there’s no one right way to do it. What works for one person or might not work for another. What’s quirky for one couple might be mundane for another. Love is a diverse, erratic, and beautiful thing. Like flowers in a garden, it blooms in many ways.

That said, there are some methods that have been scientifically proven, to some extent, to keep those sexy passions burning. Sure, lovers may get used to each other after a while, so much so that they know their favorite brand of toilet paper and what color dildo they prefer, but there are plenty of ways to keep things interesting. You just have to use your kinky imagination and a little basic brain hacking.

That’s where regular date nights come in. According to actual research, having regular date nights where a couple sets aside all distractions and focuses on getting frisky improves their chances at forging a lasting romance. It makes sense. By regularly putting some passionate effort into one another, you’re bound to keep things heated.

That’s why I highly recommend date nights for aspiring lovers, such as those I write about in my novels. While you and your lover are making those sexy plans, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to set the mood.


“Begging for oral sex versus begging to give oral sex creates create wildly different situations for each gender.” 


“Relationship advice is like the stock market in that nobody can predict how it will pan out, only a few strike it rich, and major crashes cause major panic.” 


“At strip clubs or brothels, there’s really no such thing as an awkward boner.”


“If a relationship expert is single, does that inherently make them an hypocrite?”


“What does it say about us when so many people find a woman’s feet sexy, but nobody finds a man’s balls sexy?”


“Makeup sex is like soggy pizza. It’s not great, it’s not entirely satisfying, and we may think less of ourselves for enjoying it, but it’s still palatable and it gets the job done.”


“Pity sex is like the Pumpkin Latte of sex in that it’s okay to have every once in a while, but not on a regular basis.”


For all you spouses, lovers, or friends-with-benefits out there, I hope this helps get you in the mood for date night, whenever it might be. Being in love doesn’t mean you stop trying. You still have to put in the effort to make that love fruitful. Given how that effort can result in some quality sexy time, I honestly can’t think of anything more worthwhile.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Foliage Edition

Well, according to the calendar, fall is officially here. That’s right. It’s time to put the bikinis away, break out the heavy coats, and envy all the lucky assholes who live in a tropical climate for the next eight months. It’s going to be a long winter is what I’m saying.

As much as I’ve expressed my fondness for all things summer, I don’t deny that fall has its appeals. In addition to football being back, it’s also cooler without being too cold. You can get away with wearing shorts and not sweating so much that you smell like a wet dog. For a guy who loves to sweat for all the right reasons, that’s important to me.

Then, there’s the foliage. I don’t care what those lucky assholes in tropical climates say. Fall foliage is a sight to behold. I happen to live in an area where the changing leaves is pretty damn beautiful. I’d even go so far as to say it’s sexy. All that extra color, combined with a greater need to stay warm, creates all sorts of sexy situations.

It’s not the same as bikinis and speedos, but it’s still a unique brand of sexy. That’s why I’m going to get the ball rolling on fall by dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the changing leaves. Sure, we have to rake them later, but let’s enjoy the spectacle while we can. It’s a special kind of sexy so let’s make the most of it.


“Given men’s natural love of breasts, aren’t push-up bras redundant?”


“Is it possible that babies conceived in winter were also part of an effort by couples to save money on their heating bill?”


“Sex is the only activity in which women don’t mind procrastination.”


“Is it possible that the first nipple piercing was a product of someone not wanting to admit how clumsy they are when drunk?”


“Are crazy people really better in bed? Or are sane people just too unwilling to make the extra effort?”


“When you think about it, the afterglow after sex is like a reverse hangover.”


“The amount of a woman’s body that a man’s lips have touched is one of the best measurements of his commitment.”


I hope that got everyone’s blood flowing, if only to give them the strength they’ll need to rake up the leaves. Summer may be officially over, but there’s a way to be sexy in every season. Granted, some seasons are more challenging than others, especially those not conducive to thong underwear, but I’m up for that challenge and I intend to deliver.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Humidity Edition

I love summer. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear in articulating my fondness for the beach and women in bikinis. In fact, if I sell enough sexy novels, I intend to retire to a tropical climate where I can enjoy summer-like weather, beaches, and bikinis all year-round.

That said, I understand that summer isn’t without its downside. Beyond the sexy beaches and the sexy women that make them great, summer can get pretty uncomfortable, especially when you have lousy air conditioning and excessive anti-nudity laws. In many cases, it’s not the heat that causes the discomfort. It’s the humidity that comes with it.

It doesn’t just make us feel hot and sweaty. It doesn’t even make us sweat in a sexy sort of way. That’s both tragic and frustrating. Sweat without sexiness is like french fries without ketchup. It’s just bland and uninspiring.

As I write this, my hometown is in the middle of both a heat wave, coupled with excessive humidity. Just going for a walk means smelling like a gym bag in just a few minutes. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but one that’s easily countered. I’m hoping that this week’s version of Sexy Sunday Thoughts can help in that effort by adding some badly-needed sex appeal along with that sweat.


“No matter how great the sex is, sore nipples will never be as worth it as a sore vagina.”


“You know you’re in an unhealthy relationship when training a dog and training your spouse is distressingly similar.”


“Does a certified gynecologist watching hardcore porn qualify as mixing work with pleasure?”


“Certain foods will NEVER be sexy and most of those foods involve beans.”


“Is a thrill-seeker who uses condoms a hypocrite, by default?”


“Masturbation is something you don’t WANT to learn the hard way, but doing so will give you an unspoken edge.”


“Is it possible that streaking started as a way to cool off during the summer that got out of hand?”


We’ve still got a few weeks left of the sweaty, sticky, unsexy kind of heat. It won’t be long before we’re all whining about having to wear layers just to go out and get the mail. While I know the humidity and heat is not exactly comfortable for most people, that discomfort pales in comparison to frostbite and shriveled genitals.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Sunburn Recovery Edition

When I wrote my regular entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts last week, I did so while watching the sun rise over the beach. As soon as I was finished, I put on my swim trunks, lathered up with enough sunscreen for a trip to Venus, and spent the rest of the day at the beach. It was as fun and sexy as it sounds.

That was last week, though. This week is a bit different. By that, I mean I’m not looking at the sun rising over the beach in a pristine display of nature’s beauty. I’m back home, hunched over a desk, and stuck looking at overly sexy bikini ads as the closest I’ll get to seeing real bikinis until next summer.

On top of that, I’m dealing with a nasty sunburn. Yes, I know I just said I lathered up with enough sunscreen to make me smell like a coconut factory. No, it didn’t work completely. Sure, I managed to avoid getting the more sensitive parts of my body burned. I’ll let you use your sexy imagination to see what I mean. Some parts, however, did not escape the sun’s wrath.

For the past few days, I’ve been treating those burns with whatever remedy I can find at a drug store. It can only do so much, though. In my experience, a little sexy musings help aid in the process. So with that in mind, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those recovering from sun burn. Hang in there, folks. The sun can burn your skin, but it cannot snuff your sexiness.


“As the prevalence of self-driving cars increases, so too will the number of children conceived in them.”


“It’s easy to confuse true love and great sex, but even easier to not give a damn on most days.”


“The sound women make when they orgasm is akin music whereas the sound men make is akin to getting a tooth pulled.”


“The association between cigarettes and sex is hypocritical when you consider that nobody finds coughing that very sexy.”


“When you think about it, there aren’t a whole lot of steps between being a hugger and being a slut.”


“Having too many horny men in a particular area is likely to result in crimes, but having too many women is likely to result in a party.”


“The popularity of sex toys has given men too many reasons to be suspicious of anything a woman owns that vibrates.”


I hope those sexy thoughts aid in the healing process for whatever sunburns anyone incurred by laying out by the pool, lounging on the beach, or just generally doing something outside that allowed them to omit some clothing. I know it burns. I know it doesn’t look that sexy. That said, I’d still say it was worth it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Melting Ice Cream Edition

There are many ways to deal with the heat during the hottest days of summer. Unlike the dead of winter, there’s only so much clothing you can physically and legally take off. While I still prefer the kind of weather that accommodates bikinis more than heavy coats, I don’t deny that staying cool can be a challenge.

Even for those who are lucky enough to have an air conditioner that doesn’t crap out at least twice a year will often find themselves in a situation where they’ll have to beat the heat. Between wearing less clothing and shoving ice down your pants, there are plenty of methods and I’m sure everyone has their own trick.

One method, in particular, is quite effective in the best possible way. It doesn’t require ice in your pants or any major threats to your sperm count. It just involves eating ice cream. For once, I don’t think I need to make an elaborate argument utilizing caveman logic or excuse banking. I think anyone who has had any amount of experience with ice cream understands why it’s the most delicious way to stay cool during a heat wave.

As such, I’ll skip the part where I go on a long, elaborate rant about why ice cream is right up there with boobs, comic books, and orgasms. Instead, I’ll just give everyone a second to get whatever flavor of ice cream they have in their freezer so they can stay cool while reading this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts.


“If a man goes down on his lover regularly, they can never claim that he doesn’t put in the effort.”


“Having a big dick won’t always get a man laid, but it will start the conversation.”


“The closer a tattoo is to one’s genitalia, the more willing that person is to do something crazy/kinky with said genitalia.”


“Men learn about female anatomy from rap music, sex from porn, and romance from bad movies, yet women still wonder why they’re so immature.” 


“The fact that women love confidence, but hate douche-bags sends all sorts of mixed messages.”


“There’s a distressingly high probably that a future war will begin because someone’s efforts to get laid go horribly wrong.”


“At some point in a relationship, buying a gift for a lover is akin to a tax increase on sex.”


I hope this help cool everyone off and/or makes them horny for ice cream. Either is fine and just as enjoyable. These are usually the hottest days of the summer. I’m not saying the desire for ice cream is directly linked to the horniness. I’m just saying it’s an underrated combination.

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