Tag Archives: raunchy humor

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Memorial Day 2018 Edition

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It’s the last weekend of May and you know what that means. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. For most people, especially kids who have been stuck in school for the last nine months, it’s the day when all the pools finally open. It’s the first holiday of the summer and a good excuse to spend the day at the beach.

While I appreciate any sentiment that involves summer, the beach, and lounging by a pool, Memorial Day has a more serious connotation that warrants a far greater celebration. It’s a day in which we honor the sacrifices of our veterans. I come from a family who has multiple veterans, going back to World War II. We understand the value of that sacrifice more than most.

The brave individuals who put their lives on the line for their country deserve to be honored. Whether it’s through a parade or a backyard barbecue, their story is one that helps make freedom possible. In a chaotic, unjust world, they are the ones that help carve law, order, and civilization from the chaos. That’s the kind of strength that’s worth honoring.

As such, I’m proud to dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all the veterans out there who have so bravely served their country. It’s because of you that we can live in a world where we can appreciate the sexy things. For that reason, we are in your debt and we thank you.


“A good day for a prostitute has a lot in common with a bad day for a plumber.”


“It’s distressing to wonder just how many lurid sex acts have been covered up by good laundry habits.”


“A comfortable couch has much more sexual potential than a typical bed.”


“People rarely need an excuse to be horny, but they’ll make as many as they have to in order to justify it.”


“Nobody ever fell in love with someone because they gave lackluster oral sex.”


“Are men who have sex with their pregnant wives just trying to earn extra credit on future paternity tests?”


“A man who begs for nudes is tacitly admitting that he’s bored with internet porn.”


I hope that helped get everyone feeling patriotic about their country and compassionate for its veterans, among other things. Make no mistake. Veterans are worthy of our love, admiration, and sex appeal. They put themselves in the line of fire and make tremendous sacrifices so we can live in the freest, sexist society possible. For that, we are forever in their debt. Happy Memorial Day!

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: (Belated) Cinco De Mayo Edition

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Greetings, and a very happy belated El Cinco de Mayo to all. I know I’m a day late, but I’ve always been one to enjoy the afterglow of a holiday, among other things. I find those are actually the most relaxing moments of an event. Celebrating takes all sorts of time, energy, and planning. When you get to the afterglow, though, you can just chill.

I admit I don’t celebrate El Cinco de Mayo. However, I grew up in a pretty diverse area that had a sizable Hispanic population. Without going into too much detail about my neighbors, I’ll just say those people know how to throw a party and cook amazing food. Even though I was pretty shy as a kid, I always appreciated a joyous occasion and great food.

Tacos, burritos, and pretty much anything else you can dip in hot sauce is already a sizable part of my diet. A day of celebration that involves feasts and festivities is certainly welcome. I don’t speak Spanish very well, but I know the language of great food and sexy musings.

As such, I’m happy to dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those basking in the afterglow of another great holiday. By now, I imagine many are tired and still digesting their spicy feasts. A little sexy spirit helps to maximize that glow. Enjoy!


“At some point, we all need to acknowledge that smelling women’s panties is more desperation than fetish.”


“The worst blowjob a man can get is still better than the best shoulder rub he’s ever gotten.”


“Is it possible that we’re only attracted to chiseled abs because we’re more certain that person won’t eat our leftovers?”


“The line between wrestling and sex is like the line between a snack and a meal in that one can easily morph into the other.”


“If a man’s penis were replaced with a woman’s vibrator, then batteries would become the world’s most valuable resource.”


“Someone who has great sex on the day they die can objectively say didn’t die in vain.”


“When you think about it, the most basic form of romantic love stems from a sincere desire to give someone else an orgasm.”


I hope that gets everyone in the mood for a nice Sunday siesta, among other things. This is the time of year when the weather is warm enough to minimize the amount of clothing you need to wear around the house. As someone with a noted fondness for sleeping naked, it’s a wonderful time of year and having an excuse to eat more burritos certainly doesn’t hurt.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Tax Day Recovery Edition

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Let’s face it. Nobody likes paying taxes. It ranks near the top of any list for things that no one, not even an aspiring erotica/romance writer, can make sexy. This past week, most of us had to experience the less-than-pleasant feeling of filling out various forms and compiling various documents about our financial situation for the sole benefit of our IRS masters.

I would call that an act of financial BDSM, but that would be an insult to those who enjoy BDSM. There aren’t nearly as many people who enjoy paying taxes other than the accountants of rich people who get to charge excessive fees for dealing with all the paperwork. It’s one of those unpleasant, intimate transactions that nobody really enjoys.

That said, it’s over now for the most part. Tax season has come and gone. I’m all paid up. That means I’ve been screwed as much as I need to be screwed, at least financially, for the rest of the year. I hope everyone reading this got through it with minimal discomfort. Barring any audits, we’re good until next spring.

For that very reason, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the conclusion of tax season. I understand that it’s not a sexy topic. I understand there are those still getting screwed as I write this. Regardless of your financial situation, it’s the price we all pay for a civilized society. It’s my hope that these sexy musings will help ease the recovery process.


“The music we make love to might not always set the mood, but it can definitely establish a rhythm.”


“The bulge of a man’s wallet will always be more attractive than a bulge in his pants.”


“Giving a massage after sex is akin to a sale’s tax, but receiving one is akin to a tax refund.”


“In a sense, a man giving his lover oral sex is paving the way for his future children.”


“A night of playful kink is the relationship equivalent of a dozen date nights.”


“Being frugal is only sexy when you’re still willing to spend extra on premium lube.”


“Good oral sex skills go a long way towards compensating for poor cooking skills.”


Tax season may be over, but the pain for some will surely linger for a bit longer. If you’re unlucky enough to get audited, then the experience is about to get even less sexy. For everyone else, take comfort in the knowledge that we need only get screwed like this once a year. That leaves a full calender’s worth of days to screw in the ways we enjoy.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Spring Break Edition

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There was a time when the idea of spring break was genuinely exciting. As a kid, it’s a week off school that doesn’t involve holiday shopping or visiting relatives. As a college student, it took on a more mature, far sexier undertone. Spring break is to college students what Mardi Gras is to any woman who needs an excuse to flash her tits. It’s a unique party with plenty of sexy potential.

As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can fully appreciate that spirit, even though I’m not in college anymore. Even when I was, I didn’t get a chance to fly down to Cancun or hit up Daytona Beach for some badly-needed festivities. I was content to just sleep in for a few days and hang out with friends who didn’t mind that I enjoy sleeping naked.

More than anything else, spring break was a sign that the days of shoveling snow were over and summer vacations were in sight. Even after you’re done with school, the idea that warmer weather, crowded beaches, and skimpy bikinis are right around the corner is a great feeling. That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the spirit of spring break and all the sexy undertones it stands for. Enjoy!


“When you think about it, foreplay is like a safety drill to ensure that participants are prepared.”

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“The fact that a woman who gives birth once still wants to have sex again is a testament to the female libido.”

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“There’s no wrong way to incorporate chocolate and massage oil into sex.”

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“When you think about it, a three-way is the movie equivalent of a crossover event.”

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“Very few adult toys could be used as kids toys, but a disturbing number of kids toys can still be used as adult toys.”

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“One could argue that the closing the orgasm gap is more important than closing the wage gap and men might be more eager to help in that effort.”

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“A one night stand is like putting on a cheap pair of socks, but making love to your lover is like putting on your favorite pair of jeans.”

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I hope this gets everybody in the spring break spirit, even if you’re not in school, aren’t on a break, and still have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. We all miss the regular vacations we got in school. That doesn’t mean we have to completely forget the sexy sentiment behind those vacations. If nothing else, it’s an excuse to put on your swim suit again after a long, cold winter.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: St. Patrick’s Day (Hangover) Edition

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Top of the morning to ye, my sexy readers. If that comes off as too cheerful, then that means I didn’t get drunk enough on St. Patrick’s day to regret it this morning. In my book, that counts as a win. I’m sure there are others who weren’t so lucky. I know because I’m friends with some of them.

Whether or not you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in any capacity, it’s still an excuse to go out with your friend, have a few drinks, and just enjoy a random holiday. It doesn’t have to have serious cultural meaning or ethnic connotations. It just has to be a good reason to celebrate and enjoy the company of others. The fact that alcohol faciliates this process is just a nice bonus.

In general, I don’t need many excuses to enjoy a good beer with friends and family. That rarely stops me from embracing the chance. It’s one of the few times where I don’t mind empty excuses. If it means coming together, getting drunk, and sharing a good time, I’m all for it. Sure, it tends to make for nasty hangovers later on, but that’s the price you pay for good times.

This being the day after St. Patrick’s Day, I’m sure there are plenty of pounding headaches and dry-heaves to go around. To those people, I have nothing but sympathy and compassion. I’ve been in that position. I know how it feels. That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the recovery process.


“Sex and personality disorders are like fireworks and gunpowder in that they have a great potential for spectacle.”

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“Good girls don’t go bad without a good reason and sex is a good reason with bad side-effects.”

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“When you think about it, orgies are ideal for those who are horny and have ADHD.”

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“A quickie is a pop quiz that can be difficult to pass, but ensures future tests are graded on a curve.”

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“The fact that sex sells and is illegal to buy sends many mixed messages.”

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“A man with a big dick and a woman with big tits can only generate so much sympathy from others.”

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“Knowledge is power, but knowledge of female anatomy is inherently more useful.”

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I hope this helps everyone sleep off their hangover. It probably won’t make your vomit less green, but at the very least, it’ll be a minor distraction from the headache. Every holiday that builds itself around the joys of drinking is going to come at a price. Considering the fun alcohol inspires, sexy or otherwise, I say that price is worth it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Fluffy Bath Robe Edition

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I have a handful of simple, less elaborate pleasures that put a smile on my face, no matter what kind of day I’m having. These pleasures aren’t anything like the passionate, sexy love stories I enjoy telling. They’re smaller and more personal, often involving something basic and somewhat mundane.

Of the many simpler pleasures I enjoy throughout my life, one of the most underrated is the feeling of wearing a nice, fluffy bath robe. I know that sounds cheesy. It may not even sound particularly manly. I don’t care because I enjoy it that much. There’s just something about the way the soft fabric touches my naked skin that puts me in a good mood.

Now, I’m not talking about the kind of cheap bath robes that are basically glorified towels. I’m talking about the extra soft, premium quality robes that make your skin feel like it’s being surrounded by the fur of kittens and puppies. Spend enough time surrounded by something like that, and it’s impossible to be in a bad mood for too long.

My extra-soft, extra-fluffy bath robe is one of my favorite pieces of clothing. Even though I’m quite fond of being naked, I’m just as fond of lounging around in my bath robe. It also makes answering the door a lot less awkward.

In celebration of that special feeling of a nice bathrobe, I hereby dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to this simple pleasure. If you have one of those robes, I hope you’re either wearing it or take a moment to put one on. I contend it’s a feeling worth sharing and celebrating.


“Those who don’t learn how to cook will find out the hard way that few people gets horny on an empty stomach.”

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“You can’t claim your relationship is that serious until you feel comfortable pooping with the bathroom door open.”


“Do the various shapes of female sex toys prove our ignorance of female anatomy or just reflect the sheer breadth of female pleasure?”

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“A man with an attractive secretary sends the same message as a woman with a fancy lace underwear.”

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“A couple that spends more money on their honeymoon than their wedding shows their willing to invest in each other’s sex lives.”

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“Sex appeal is like quantum mechanics in that few understand it and too much observation obscures the conclusions.”

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“When you think about it, matching tattoos are the romantic equivalent of a bar code.”

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To all those lucky enough to have a soft, fluffy bath robe, I hope these sexy musings helped enhance the comfort. To those who don’t own one, I hope this at least offers some insight into such an underrated pleasure. These little things may not amount to much, especially compared to the sexy experiences I write about in my novels. They’re still uniquely satisfying in their own right.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Strong Coffee Edition

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I don’t consider myself a die-hard coffee enthusiast, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t often depend on this holiest of beans to get me through my day. In fact, there are many moments in my novels and my sexy short stories that I owe to having a good coffee buzz either early in the morning or late into a sleepless night.

There are even times a simple cup of coffee just isn’t enough. Every now and then, I eagerly splurge on an over-caffinated espresso or an extra-suggary frappachino. I know it’s bad for me. I know it’s way more buzz than I need. I don’t care, though. It’s a delicious way to get my ass in gear to write more sexy stories.

I know I’m not the only one who has a special love/dependence on coffee. There are probably a few people out there who are more passionate about it than I’ll ever be. Given that there are only so many hours in the day and our bodies are painfully limited when it comes to maximizing that time, coffee is a critical component to all our endeavors, sexy or otherwise.

For this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I’d like to dedicate the sexy sentiment to this wonderful elixir of modern life. Whether it’s just a small mug of black coffee or a foam-centric novelty, I gladly praise coffee and all its wondrous forms. Yes, that even includes decaf.


“A bitter ex and a horny ex aren’t always mutually exclusive.”

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“Promoting abstinence until marriage is kind of like promoting student loan debt, but hiding the interest rate.”

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“Are couples who regularly kiss with their tongues, but refuse to share a toothbrush total hypocrites?”

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“Does every wedding anniversary also double as a celebration for avoiding divorce?”

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“You can learn more about a man from his bachelor party than his honeymoon.”

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“Only getting a goodbye hug from a date is like only getting nominated for an Oscar.”

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“If falling in love is the ultimate drug, then it’s one of the few that can and should be taken with alcohol.”

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While I doubt this will give anyone the same buzz as a well-caffinated espresso, I sincerely hope it helps everyone feel more alert. There are many ways to energize yourself in the morning. Sometimes, an overpriced latte is worth it. Other times, it’s more efficient to just channel a little sex appeal. The only difference is that one is packed with sugar and calories while the other just makes your pants a little tighter.

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