It’s the end of another week and we survived without being crushed by a giant monster. By most standards, that makes it a good week. Some people set a higher bar than that. For me, not being sick and not being crushed by a monster are the only criteria I need to feel like I’ve succeeded on Sunday.
Why do I bring up monsters and being crushed? Well, this weekend saw the release of the new “Power Rangers” movie. For any kids who grew up in the ’90s, that is the equivalent of another Pamela Anderson sex tape. It’s got fans whose parents spent an obscene amount of money on toys more excited than a hamster on crack.
Given the crowded field of superhero movies, it’s hard to say whether this will succeed. Then again, nobody thought a Deadpool movie or an Ant Man movie would succeed. The accountants who cash the checks at major studios are probably still laughing their ass off. Since the old Power Rangers show was on right after the X-men cartoon I was so fond of growing up, I really do hope it does well.
I can appreciate a story about five hormonal teenagers dealing with crazy issues that involve aliens, monsters, and an evil Elizabeth Banks in a skin-tight costume. Some things just have universal appeal in that respect. I also feel as though comedy and dirty jokes have that kind of appeal.
I’ll leave the aliens and monster fighting to the Power Rangers. I hope they give me the same courtesy for comedy and dirty jokes. With that in mind, here’s my official “Power” edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” Enjoy!
“Actors like Bryan Cranston and Hugh Jackman were willing to get naked for their iconic roles. Coincidence?”
In a recent interview on the “The Late Show,” Bryan Cranston joked that he had a nudity clause in every contract. Hugh Jackman has gotten naked in multiple X-men movies on multiple occasions, never once using a body double or CGI.
Both these men were willing to show off their manly goods for all to see in pursuing their iconic roles. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I think that says a lot about nudity and dedication.
“A man’s desperate effort to get laid has a equal chance at ending in triumph or humiliation, which says as much about the woman as it does about the man.”
This is more an observation than a thought. Go back and watch any teen sitcom, teen movie, or romantic comedy. More often than not, a desperate man does something crazy in an effort to win over a girl and/or get laid. Whether or not it works is usually decided by the karma equivalent of a coin flip.
While this is entertaining, it also says something about the women involved. For one, it says they attract some pretty crazy men. It also says they respond to them in some pretty crazy ways. In terms of entertainment value, you can’t get much more potent than that.
“Some women don’t have to try very hard to get sex. Those same women, however, often have to try harder to enjoy it. From a gender equality standpoint, that’s perfect balance.”
This is another observation. I’ve known plenty of women who could walk into any bar, club, PTA meeting and get sex with minimal effort. A flirty look, an overt tease, and a detailed map of the nearest motels is all it takes.
However, getting sex and enjoying sex isn’t the same thing. To really enjoy it, the woman has to put some effort into it. For a man, it’s no harder than maintaining an erection. As flawed as nature may be at times, it knows how to balance things out.
“A woman who willingly flashes her breasts has no right to be appalled when a man exposes his dick.”
This is another instance of our innate disdain of hypocrisy. We, as a society, will tolerate a lot of crazy things, from boy bands to reality TV. We still draw the line at hypocrisy. It doesn’t have to be the kind of hypocrisy that causes a major scandal with a well-known priest. It can be simple.
For women who eagerly flash their breasts, many of which grace the streets of New Orleans and Las Vegas, they dramatically increase the chances that they’ll see a stranger’s penis at some point. So if you’re going to flash your tits, make sure you enjoy the sight of penises. Otherwise, you just risk greater hypocrisy.
“When you think about it, the difference between an orgy and a group hug is only a matter of degree.”
As I’ve said before, I’m a hugger. I know the inherent value of hugs. When done right, they bring affection, intimacy, and a sense of well-being to two people. In that sense, an orgy does the same thing, but to a much greater degree. I’m not saying the two gestures are one in the same. I’m just saying they live in the same zip code.
“A doctor who installs breast implants can actually say he has the hopes of men and women alike in his hands.”
A woman seeking breast implants has greater hopes for her body. Any man fond of big breasts hopes that there are more of them in this world. In that context, the doctors who actually install breast implants actually hold these hopes in their hands. They even take it a step further. They actually turn those hopes into something tangible, beautiful, and sexy.
Plastic surgeons are heroes is what I’m saying. To those brave men and women, I thank you.
“At its core, strip poker is the act of making foreplay subject to chance.”
I love a good game of poker as much as the next guy. I also love foreplay as well and support any effort to cherish its value. However, like peanut butter and napalm, some things just aren’t compatible. They do nothing to damage the other, but they do make both a bit harder to operate.
When you’re playing strip poker, you’re basically putting an extra obstacle between your lover and nudity. There are enough obstacles to good foreplay these days. I’d rather we not add more.
“We tend to get bored with things we do too much, but masturbation is a major exception.”
As a kid, it’s easy to get bored with something. As an adult, it’s even easier, especially if you have a high-speed internet connection. Boredom is a common human trait that keeps us from doing things that no longer stimulate us.
When it comes to masturbation, however, that core human trait basically gives us a mulligan. No matter how many times we do it, regardless of our gender, we don’t get bored with it. That shows that nature is willing to make exceptions when warranted.
I hope that helps everyone feel a bit more powerful. It’s probably not on par with piloting a giant robot or fighting an evil Elizabeth Banks in a skin-tight uniform, but I hope it’s a close second.
Some get their power through the morphing grid, a special energy that permeates all life throughout the universe. Some get it through dirty jokes. Since mine doesn’t require guidance from a giant floating head, I think mine works a bit better.