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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Valentine’s Day Recovery Edition

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By now, I hope everyone has had enough time to recover from Valentine’s Day. Whether it’s from reminders of how much being lonely sucks or serious rug burns from excessive lovemaking, I hope everyone has healed up. If Hallmark wants more of our money, they’ll just have to wait until Mother’s Day.

I like to think I’ve gotten better at handling Valentine’s Day alone. Thanks largely to the loving support of my friends and family, especially my awesome mother, I don’t get as miserable or depressed as I used to. Don’t get me wrong. I still want to find love one day. Until that day comes, though, I’m content knowing that I can handle being single.

In the meantime, there are still plenty of other meaningful ways to celebrate love. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I certainly intend to do my part. I’ve got plenty of sexy stories to tell, both with the upcoming release of “Rescued Hearts” and my sexy short stories.

That said, I totally understand if certain people are just plain burned out on love and romance right now. To those people, I say take all the time you need. Let this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts get you back into a less Hallmark-driven mindset. Enjoy!


“There’s no polite way to ask a friend for money for the same reason there’s no polite way to ask a lover for anal.”


“A lover’s willingness to be intimate with their partner is directly proportional to their willingness to mix their laundry.”


“Sometimes using a vibrator during sex is akin to using cheat code. Other times, it’s more like having extra tools to make the job easier.”


“Pulling a muscle during sex is like getting a flat tire. You can still move forward, but you’re risking more damage by doing so.”


“A person who invents a better smartphone will never create as much joy as someone who invents better lube.”


“When you think about it, an orgy is just the sexual equivalent of binge-watching.”


“For some people, talking dirty during sex is the difference between a T-bone steak and an under-cooked hot dog.”


For those of us who are still single, take comfort. You’ve survived another Valentine’s Day. For those who are in relationships, take comfort as well. You also survived another Valentine’s Day. It can be an arduous effort for both, but it’s one that’s worth enduring. We all need to make time for love. If that means enriching executives at Hallmark once a year, so be it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Tropical Longing Edition

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It’s early February and in addition to me lamenting another Valentine’s Day spent alone, this is also the time of year when I sincerely wish I lived in a more tropical climate. I actually have a few friends and relatives who live in Florida and never have to wear more than a light sweatshirt when they go outside. They just love rubbing that in my face every chance they get.

While that sort of sentiment is annoying, it still inspires me to long for warmer, sexier climate. It also inspires me to start planning my vacations for the spring and summer. I made a big deal out of the wonderful time I had at the beach last year. I intend to risk more sun burn and do it again.

Unfortunately, I still have to make it through a few more weeks of winter. If the forecast from this year’s Groundhog Day is any indication, then it’s going to be a longer wait than usual. That’s just going to give my friends and relatives more reasons to rub their tropical lifestyle in my face.

I can’t do much about the weather, but I can make the wait easier. In my experience, few things warm the body and soul up better than some sexy musings. That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those longing for time in a tropical climate. Trust me, you’re not alone in this sentiment.


“Men can never compete sexually with experienced lesbians because fingers and tongues don’t get flaccid.”


“A man has no idea how much he hates his own gender until he has a hot daughter.”


“Being able to cook doesn’t inherently make a person sexier, but great sex rarely occur on an empty stomach.”


“Sharing is caring, but humping is more rewarding.”


“The dedication of a lover is directly proportional to how willing they are to be in the same room when you’re throwing up.”


“Having a toned ass is like having a powerful engine. You rarely need that kind of power, but you like to know you can use it at some point.”


“Is it possible that some sluts are just being extra thorough in vetting their options?”


These sorts of sexy sentiments may not deliver the same feeling we get when we lay on a tropical beach under the warm mid-day sun, but I hope it reminds us why those feelings are so special. I’m already done with cold weather. I still hope to spend time in a tropical setting at some point this year. I encourage everyone else to do so and enjoy all the sexy thoughts that come with it.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Steamy Hot Shower Edition

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I don’t know why, but a hot shower in the middle of winter is uniquely satisfying. Actually, I take that back. I know exactly why it’s so satisfying, but it’s one of those things that makes too much sense to scrutinize. I know the human race can’t agree on much, but I think we all appreciate that special feeling that comes with taking a hot, steamy shower on a bitter-cold day.

I’m usually pretty quick and efficient with my showers. As much as I enjoy being naked, I’m not one of those guys who lingers in a shower longer than he has to. It’s not just because I prefer to save money on my water bill. I’m just a guy who likes to get clean, get sexy, and then get to work. I’ve got sexy stories to write and sexy thoughts to share, damn it.

During this time of year, though, when it’s colder than a penguin’s ass, I let myself linger. Few things are more relaxing than walking in from the bitter cold, stripping off all the layers I’ve had on for most of the day, and stepping into a steaming hot shower. It’s one of the most satisfying things I can do for my body that doesn’t involve a naked woman.

I’m sure others share my sentiment on the joys of hot, steamy showers in the middle of winter. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to that special feeling we all enjoy during these coldest of days. They may not be as comforting or relaxing as a nice, steamy shower, but I’ll gladly make the effort.


“A man with strong fingers and a woman with soft lips lay a solid foundation for a passionate relationship.”


“Too many men and women think about their wedding night the same way rookie athletes think about their first championship.”


“The passion of great sex is directly proportional to the need to wash the bed sheets the next morning.”


“Men who have orgasms during foreplay are premature, but women who have them are just enthusiastic.”


“Having sex while drunk is like cooking while blindfolded. You can still do it, but the results can be messy.”


“A boring sex life is like eating fries without ketchup. You can still stomach it, but it’s not nearly as appetizing.”


“A quickie is the sexual equivalent of a hot pocket in that it’s basic, but still gets the job done.”


I hope that makes everyone’s next hot shower that much more enjoyable. There are many ways to endure the cold weather this time of year. Some are sexier than others. Since not everybody has a lover who can help them realize some of those ways, I say a nice, hot shower is something we can all appreciate.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Spiked Eggnog Edition

I love the holidays. I love everything about them. I always have, from my playful childhood to my awkward teenage years to my sexier adult years. From the presents to the decorations to the constant debate over whether “Die Hardqualifies as a Christmas movie, there’s so much about the holidays to love.

One aspect of the holidays that didn’t really appeal to me until later in life involved eggnog. Honestly, I thought the stuff looked disgusting, as a kid. Then again, I also thought coffee looked disgusting and now my coffee maker is basically my morning shrine. In that sense, I’m not too surprised that I developed a taste for it, especially after I found out you could spike it with whiskey.

It’s especially tasty after that first blast of winter weather, which came earlier than I expected/hoped this year. As I write this, it’s colder than Ann Coulter’s soul outside. For someone who enjoys sleeping naked, that’s kind of a problem and eggnog spiked with a little whiskey goes a long way towards keeping me warm.

Sure, it does other things too and yes, those things are also enjoyable in their own right. They’re just that much more enjoyable when it doubles as a practical method of staying warm. I know eggnog, especially the spiked variety, isn’t for everyone. For those who see it as a legitimate way of staying warm during the holidays, this week’s edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” is for you.


“It’s both ironic and fitting that men learn often learn the hardest lessons because of or in spite of erections.” 


“Most children weren’t effected by cartoon violence growing up, but those that were should probably stay away from porn.”


“When you think about it, exercise is an investment and more sex is the dividend payment.” 


“Eating and masturbating don’t need to be taught, but like table manners, a little etiquette makes a difference.”


“Having multiple techniques in foreplay is like having a good vocabulary. It’ll help you navigate certain situations in a more productive manner.”


“The fact that an average-looking woman can get sex easier than a moderately attractive man is a testament to the horniness disparity between genders.”


“A lack of options in sex can inspire/require a more robust imagination.”


I hope this helps keep everyone a little warmer and makes the alcohol-laced eggnog taste a little sweeter. There are certain seasonal drinks that are special because we save them for one particular part of the year. When it’s freezing cold outside and you want to curl up with a sexy novel under your Christmas tree, a stiff drink and a light buzz goes a long way to keeping you warm, among other things.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Halloween 2017 Edition

There are certain holidays that will always be underrated. Say what you will about Halloween, offensive costumes, or the unhealthy consequences of eating too much candy. It’s still a damn good holiday that children and adults, alike, can enjoy in their own unique way.

Honestly, my appreciation of Halloween didn’t really take hold until college when I learned that young, horny women don’t need many excuses to dress up in a slutty costume. That’s when I realized that Halloween isn’t just a kids holiday or a reason to watch slasher movies. There’s a fun, sexy spirit to it all and I say it’s worth celebrating.

I’ve praised the sex appeal of Halloween in the past. I intend to keep praising it every year, for as long as beautiful women take advantage of the opportunity to dress sexy and enjoy the fun. Society gives us precious few opportunities to enjoy our sexy side in a way that won’t get us arrested or shamed. Let’s use them while we can.

Halloween is just a few days away so work up an appetite for both candy and sex appeal. Hopefully, this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts can get you in the Halloween spirit.


“Nobody can truly call themselves a genius until they’ve convinced their lover that giving oral sex has health benefits.”


“Those who oppose contraception for subverting the natural breeding process must REALLY hate World of Warcraft for doing the same thing.”


“Are men who lie about the size of their dicks any more dishonest than women who wear push-up bras?”


“Learning about sex from a celibate priest is like learning about computers from the Amish.”


“Talk is cheap, but the value of dirty talk during sex is exceedingly under-valued.”


“A gigolo who doesn’t have sex with clients is basically a butler.”


“Most people hate micromanaging, but tend to make exceptions when it comes to orgasms.”


I hope this inspires everyone to get out there, put on the sexiest costume you can legally wear, and celebrate Halloween in your own special way. Dine on buckets of candy. Drink bottles of pumpkin-flavored alcohol. Take advantage of the fact that for one night, we can get away with dressing in ridiculously sexy outfits and ask strangers for candy. In terms of holidays, you really can’t lose.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Raking Leaves Edition

I tend to have mixed feelings about fall. On one hand, I love sexy Halloween costumes and pumpkin spice lattes. On the other, I hate having to dress in layers and not being able lounge around naked. Until I can sell enough sexy novels to retire in a tropical climate, my feelings will likely remain mixed.

One other thing that adds to that mixed sentiment is the prospect of raking leaves. I happen to live in a part of the country that has beautiful fall foliage, but requires a lot of messy yard maintenance. In fact, I’m convinced that part of the reason anyone has kids in this part of the country is to help them do dishes and rake leaves.

I remember many exhausting weekends in my youth, toiling in my yard and raking bags upon bags of leaves. There was just no end to it. Other than scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, I can’t think of a more frustrating chore.

So to those who despise raking leaves as much as I do, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those who share in the soreness. Every chore is agonizing, to some extent. Some are just more agonizing than others. It’s those laborious moments when we need some sexy sentiments the most.


“Every great hero often begins their pursuit of greatness with an elaborate effort to get laid.”


“No relationship can hope to survive when two people cannot agree on the settings for the thermostat.”


“The prevalence of both circumcision and the human race is proof that even unwilling mutilation is not enough to stop legions of horny men.”


“The best hope any man has at getting a blowjob from a millennial woman is to make their semen taste like a latte.”


“Casual sex is like a Hot Pocket. Making love is like caviar. Angry make-up sex is like leftover pizza. All are delicious in their own special way.”


“Thanks to the invention of smartphones, there are probably more images of genitalia circulating today than there has ever been at any point in human history.”


“Wit and charm are just coy descriptions of a man who avoids saying things that immediately kill a woman’s sex drive.”


I hope these sexy sentiments make your back less sore when clearing your yard. Maybe one day I’ll make enough money from my sexy novels to pay people and/or robots to rake my leaves for me. Until that day comes, I’ll just use it as an excuse to work up a good sweat, feel extra sexy, and channel that into my next novel. In the end, everyone wins.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Humidity Edition

I love summer. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear in articulating my fondness for the beach and women in bikinis. In fact, if I sell enough sexy novels, I intend to retire to a tropical climate where I can enjoy summer-like weather, beaches, and bikinis all year-round.

That said, I understand that summer isn’t without its downside. Beyond the sexy beaches and the sexy women that make them great, summer can get pretty uncomfortable, especially when you have lousy air conditioning and excessive anti-nudity laws. In many cases, it’s not the heat that causes the discomfort. It’s the humidity that comes with it.

It doesn’t just make us feel hot and sweaty. It doesn’t even make us sweat in a sexy sort of way. That’s both tragic and frustrating. Sweat without sexiness is like french fries without ketchup. It’s just bland and uninspiring.

As I write this, my hometown is in the middle of both a heat wave, coupled with excessive humidity. Just going for a walk means smelling like a gym bag in just a few minutes. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but one that’s easily countered. I’m hoping that this week’s version of Sexy Sunday Thoughts can help in that effort by adding some badly-needed sex appeal along with that sweat.


“No matter how great the sex is, sore nipples will never be as worth it as a sore vagina.”


“You know you’re in an unhealthy relationship when training a dog and training your spouse is distressingly similar.”


“Does a certified gynecologist watching hardcore porn qualify as mixing work with pleasure?”


“Certain foods will NEVER be sexy and most of those foods involve beans.”


“Is a thrill-seeker who uses condoms a hypocrite, by default?”


“Masturbation is something you don’t WANT to learn the hard way, but doing so will give you an unspoken edge.”


“Is it possible that streaking started as a way to cool off during the summer that got out of hand?”


We’ve still got a few weeks left of the sweaty, sticky, unsexy kind of heat. It won’t be long before we’re all whining about having to wear layers just to go out and get the mail. While I know the humidity and heat is not exactly comfortable for most people, that discomfort pales in comparison to frostbite and shriveled genitals.

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