Tag Archives: love

April 16, 2017 · 8:41 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Easter Edition

Happy Easter, everybody! I hope everyone spends the day gorging on scrambled eggs, chocolate covered eggs, egg-shaped candy, and ham. I know the ham kind of seems like a non-sequitur, but I’m not going to argue against a holiday that combines meat and candy.

Now like many, I don’t really understand why Easter is considered a religious holiday, yet we celebrate it with colored eggs, rabbits, and ham. Rabbits don’t even lay eggs, last I checked. They don’t even eat chocolate. It’s confusing. Again though, it still involves meat and candy so I’m not going to complain too much.

It doesn’t help that Easter has roots in pagan fertility festivals that treated spring as a sign that it’s time to start having sex like rabbits. Actually, I take that back. That does help. That actually does make Easter a bit sexier. It still doesn’t make a lot of sense, but as an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can always appreciate some added sex appeal.

Regardless of how you justify combining chocolate, rabbits, and eggs, it’s still a holiday. It’s still an excuse to get together with your family, have a good meal, and make love to your lover. Hopefully, it’s not in that exact order. Go out and enjoy it!

So in the spirit of Easter, chocolate bunnies, and pagan fertility rituals, I offer another holiday version of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. If they can aid in whatever fertility rituals you may or may not take part in, then that’s just a bonus.

“The story of Adam and Eve makes a lot more sense when you consider how many stupid things people do when they’re naked.”

I’m no biblical scholar. I’m not a theologian either. I’m not even an expert on the decision-making processes associated with nudity and I’m a guy who loves to sleep naked. I just know that people are prone to making stupid decisions and nudity tends to facilitate those decisions.

Now I’m not saying nudity is to blame for the fall of man. I’m not even criticizing whatever deity wired humans to be the way they are. I’m just saying that when we’re naked, we’re not exactly inclined to think things through and behave responsibly. Whether we’re in the Garden of Eden or bar in New Orleans, you can usually expect stupid decisions to coincide with nudity.

“You know your fetish is extreme if doing it in front of a police station earns you more than a citation.”

Being an erotica/romance writer, I’m convinced that everyone has their own level of kink. Some are more elaborate than others. Some involve handcuffs, whips, stilettos, ice cubes, and an industrial sized barrel of lube. I encourage everyone to embrace and explore their kinks as responsibly as possible.

However, if you’re worried about just how extreme your kink may be, just imagine what would happen if you did it in front of a police station. If it earns you more than a public indecency fine, then that’s a pretty clear sign.

“As soon as science perfects repairing a man’s penis, the number of exceedingly dangerous sex acts is bound to skyrocket.”

This may happen sooner than we think. Bionic penises are already a reality. There may come a day where getting a new penis is as easy as getting a new phone. When that day comes, I believe men will be a lot more reckless with their sex lives. I pity the poor EMTs and doctors who have to treat these men and listen to the kinky stories behind their injuries. Then again, maybe some of them will make for good erotica/romance.

“Women should treat their vaginas like they treat their phones. Keep it close, keep it up-to-date, and make sure the equipment is perfectly specified for your tastes and others.”

This is just common sense. I see the way women treat their phones these days. They’re more precious than jewelry, makeup, and their parents’ credit card. They’re so careful and coy with them, always making sure they’re updated and functioning properly.

Now imagine how much better their sex lives would be if they treated their vaginas with the same care? It’s not taboo to take care of your phone, but vaginal health is still somewhat taboo for reasons that can’t be good. So moving forward, I propose that women use the way they care for their phones as a model for how they care for their vaginas.

“Obesity tends to increase in societies where holidays involve too much food and no fertility rituals. Coincidence? I think not.”

There are some traditions from our ancestors that are best left in the past. I don’t think it benefits society in any way to go back to ritual animal sacrifice in hopes of a bountiful harvest. However, I think some ancient ideas deserve a second look and fertility rituals should be at the top of that list.

Say what you will about our primitive ancestors, but they knew how to party when it came to celebrating fertility. When there was a holiday, they made sure they celebrated the joys of fertility and sex. These days, we just celebrate with eating a lot of food. Given the ongoing obesity epidemic and the amount of calories we burn during sex, I’d say fertility rituals could go a long way towards balancing things out.

“Tax evasion would not be as big a problem if all tax returns came with a free blowjob.”

Nobody likes paying taxes. That’s a given. Who can blame anyone for trying to avoid it? Sure, it undermines entire countries and the very foundations of civilization, but you still can’t blame anyone for wanting to avoid it.

Rather than crack the whip, I say we start dangling a carrot. Few carrots are as juicy and universally appealing as blowjobs. Even if you’re the greediest, meanest crook this side of a Charles Dickens novel, a blowjob appeals to you. I say use that appeal to make paying taxes more rewarding. When it comes to rewards, blowjobs are a nearly universal currency.

“Timmie Jean Lindsey, the first woman to get a boob job, deserves to be way more famous than she is.”

The name Timmie Jean Linsey probably doesn’t sound familiar to you, but every porn star and trophy wife owes her a debt of gratitude. In 1962, she agreed to take a bold leap for mankind and volunteered for the first ever boob job.

The procedure was new, untested, and potentially dangerous. It may even do serious damage to a serious part of her body. Ms. Linsey, with a bravery that puts Neil Armstrong to shame, took that chance and the world is sexier because of it. So on behalf of all men, thank you, Ms. Linsey. From our heart to our genitals, we thank you.

I hope you’re now inspired/horny to go off and celebrate Easter in your own special way. Whether it involves fertility rituals or gorging chocolate bunnies, I hope this helps. So once again, from me to you, have a safe and sexy Easter.

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Tagged as comedy, dirty jokes, erotic, humor, Jack Fisher, jokes, jokes about love, love, men, men and women, sex, sex jokes, sexy, Sexy Sunday Thoughts, women

April 14, 2017 · 6:59 am

How To Manage Your Excuse Bank (Within Reason)

When I did my first post on reasons versus excuses, I challenged readers to take a closer look at their actions and decisions. Why did they end up doing what they did? Was there a reason for it? Was that reason actually an excuse? Did that reason or excuse end with you getting laid, fired, or slapped in the face?

Given how many actions and decisions unfold on a day-to-day basis in the massive doughnut shop that is life, it’s hard to make sense of them all. I’m sure those without OCD or a personality disorder was quickly overwhelmed by the sheer breadth of reasons and excuses they came up with for their behaviors. Don’t worry and put down the vodka. That’s entirely normal.

We’re all human. We’re all bound to make bad decisions or bad reasons and/or lousy excuses. That’s part of life. The key is learning from those bad decisions and improving the skills that help us better our loves, help those around us, and even get us laid from time to time. Since I’m an erotica/romance writer, that last one was worth adding.

It’s also worth offering whatever help I can to others in developing those skills. Again, I need to remind everyone that I’m an aspiring erotica/romance writer. I’m not a scientist, a therapist, a psychologist, or doctor. I may write about people in those occupations getting involved in sexy situations, but I’m not at all qualified to offer the kind of substantive advice, complete with technical charts and an hourly bill.

However, in dealing with plenty of colorful personalities throughout my life and writing various personalities in my novels, I do feel like I can at least offer some insight that can help people use my colorful ramblings in pragmatic ways. I can’t guarantee they’ll work, get you laid, or make you rich. This is just me trying to make my words both sexy and useful.

In discussing reasons versus excuses, I brought up the concept of excuse banking. It’s almost exactly what it sounds like. It’s the process of acting, believing, and learning in a way that effectively pockets an excuse to use to justify decisions later on. Since our brains are wired to decide first and then justify those decisions, excuse banking is very much a pragmatic manifestation of our collective psyche.

It’s not inherently good or bad. It can certainly get pretty darn bad, as I pointed out when I tied excessive excuse banking to political and religious extremism. Most people, though, don’t operate in extremes and if they do, it’s usually out of fear and survival, which are among the most valid reasons we can have for doing something. For the purposes of providing useful advice in excuse banking, I’d like to focus on the good.

In that spirit, I’d like to offer a quick rundown of tips and tricks for managing your excuse bank effectively. We’re all going to make excuses at some point. We’re all going to bank those excuses in some form or another. We might as well figure out how to do it in a way that improves our lives and gets us laid.

Tip #1: Maintain A Balance, But Avoid Hoarding

Like any useful bank account or credit card, it’s important to maintain a balance. You always want to have some reserves, just in case it’s an emergency and you need a valid excuse to explain why your pants are in the refrigerator. You don’t want to be stuck relying on reasons that may or may not apply. That’s just going to make you look stupid, incompetent, and decidedly unsexy.

Unlike a traditional bank account, though, you don’t want to let your excuse bank get too bloated. That’s because excuses aren’t hard assets. They’re intangible, malleable, and much easier to abuse. You may be able to use a dollar bill to snort a line of blow, but with an big enough excuse you can justify snorting blow off a stripper’s tits.

That’s why you should not hoard your excuses the same way I hoard comic books. As I noted in my post on extremism, having too many excuses that are too malleable creates all sorts of nasty temptations. Having those excuses is like having a loaded AK-47 in a traffic jam. Even if you can resist the temptation, the potential is still there and the danger of that potential can be pretty vast. Just ask any experienced traffic cop.

Tip #2: Invest With Other Peoples Whenever Possible

This part of excuse banking also highlights one of the key differences from other types of banking. In a sense, excuse banking is almost always a joint effort. It’s not enough to just have an excuse. You also need other people to believe them in order for them to be useful.

An excuse with a random stranger and an excuse with a close family member is not going to have the same value. At the same time, an excuse you bank on your own isn’t going to be as valuable as one you bank with other people. Human beings are very social creatures. When you forge close social bonds, be they with family or lovers, your excuses carry more weight and so do those of others.

In a sense, it’s a win-win investment. By banking excuses within a social group, you develop a sense of trust and understanding. That makes deposits and withdraws from your bank easier and less likely to blow up in your face. Just watch any Ben Stiller movie to see why that’s so important.

Tip #3: Know Which Investments Grow And Which Are Toxic

It’s true. Excuse banking sometimes deals in toxic assets. I’m not just talking about bad mortgages or too much stock in Enron either. When your excuse bank has toxic assets in it, you’re in big trouble.

A toxic asset in an excuse bank is often one we don’t realize is toxic. Sometimes, we even refuse to realize it. That’s what often happens with dictators, religious zealots, and child actors. Their excuse bank is so full of toxic assets that they don’t know how bad their excuses are and if someone tries to tell them, they don’t listen. That often leads to the kind of tragic self-destruction that becomes an A&E documentary.

That’s why it’s so important to identify these toxic assets before they poison you. Those assets will undermine your ability to work with others and gain their trust, two things everybody needs to survive in a functioning society. So how do you know if an asset is really toxic? Just follow these simple steps:

Step One: Ask yourself, “Would this excuse allow me to punch someone in the face and make them apologize for hurting my hand?”
Step Two: If you answered yes to the following question, then the excuse is toxic.

Tip #4: Understand An Investment’s Potential, But Don’t Ignore The Risks

Like any investment, there are risks and rewards that you have to weigh. Sometimes the risks are minimal. When you fake sick just a couple times and don’t announce to the world on FaceBook that you’re running a marathon, the risks are pretty minimal. Those risks escalate when you let them pile up, so much so that your girlfriend won’t believe you when you say you need to perform brain surgery on the President.

This is especially important for anyone in a position in power, be they the despot of a country or a manager at Walmart. Having power offers a lot of potential because it creates both excuses and reasons for people to do what you tell them. However, the risks are much greater, especially if you want to use that power competently.

It’s easy to lose yourself in power. Anyone who used cheat codes in old Mario games understands that. That’s what makes it so dangerous because it prompts us to ignore the risks. When we do that, we’re less likely to realize when our excuses become toxic. People don’t trust us and look for ways to get us out of the way. No matter how much power you have, you won’t be able to use it effectively if your excuses are toxic.

Tip #5: Avoid Banking Excuses As A Means To Improve Past Investments

This tip is directly tied to a little something called the sunk cost fallacy. Anyone who has ever had a gambling problem or knows someone who would bet their shirt at a blackjack table knows it well. It’s this annoying quirk in our psyche that compels us to keep throwing resources into a game we’ve already lost to justify past investments.

In a sense, it’s an excuse to justify stupid risks that didn’t pay off. It’s a way to alleviate the mental stress of knowing just how badly we’ve lost. In the context of excuse banking, it applies to more than just a bad run of luck at a casino.

Like trying to win back what you’ve lost, banking excuses to improve toxic assets rarely works out. When an excuse has become toxic, it usually stays that way. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. Even if the wolf does come once in a while, there isn’t much you can do to improve the utility of the excuse.

Excuses, like fresh fruit, can perish quickly. They can be finite and applicable only to specific circumstances. Once those circumstances pass, trying to cling to those excuses is like trying to make spoiled milk taste good. It just can’t be done.

Tip #6: Long Term Investments Usually Pay More Than Short Term Investments

This is where we kind of have to battle our inner caveman here. As I’ve covered before, caveman logic compels us to think primarily in the short-term. We prioritize the potential for avoiding tigers and mating with fertile partners. Those short-term investments worked well in the caveman days, but they work less well in more complex societies.

The key purpose of excuse banking is to ensure you can justify your decisions to others. If you can’t do that, then other people aren’t going to trust you, work with you, or want to have sex with you. Now there’s a time and place for short-term investments, but they’re usually very specific and rare.

Long-term excuse banking involves crafting excuses that build trust and understanding with others. Ideally, they have some amount of reason to support them, if only in part. Bank enough long-term excuses and you’ll find people who are eager to work with you, ready to trust you, and eager to take their clothes off with you.

That kind of investment usually takes a lot more time and effort, but the payoffs can be pretty damn awesome.

These are just a few tips to start out. If I come up with others or learn from someone else, I’ll share them in another post or list. If anyone else has investment advice in the world of excuse banking, please share it.

Excuses may be one of the most important investments we can make. It’s one of the few currencies that is valid in every country, culture, and society. Sure, we can’t use them to tip strippers, but they’ll help us in negotiating our lap dance.

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Tagged as Caveman Logic, excuse bank, excuses, human psychology, improving relationships, intimacy, Jack Fisher, love, lying, making friends, persuation, psychology, reason, reasons vs excuses, relationships, the human brain, the human mind

April 11, 2017 · 7:04 am

The Reasons And Excuses Of Character Development

Think about your favorite character. Whether it’s Superman, King Arthur, or Christian Grey, think about what made that character tick. Why did they do what they do? How did they go about doing it? What was it about those traits that made them your favorite character?

These questions and whatever answers you give, however basic or kinky they might be, is the hot iron from which great characters are forged. You could have the greatest story since the Iliad. You could have a plot so great that Shakespeare himself would lick the dirt off your feet and say it tastes like candy. It still won’t work if the characters aren’t well-developed, compelling, and iconic.

In fact, being a great character can help them endure piss poor plots and come out unscathed. Superman is the most iconic hero of the 20th century and he was once in a comic where he made a sex tape with someone else’s wife. I swear I’m not making that up. See Action Comics #592 and #593. Who else but Superman could come out of that and remain iconic?

I celebrate the power of great characters because they are, by far, one of the hardest parts in the creative process. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can attest that this part of crafting a novel is more demanding than tongue kissing a lizard after dental surgery. I probably three times as much energy on crafting the characters compared to the overall plot.

This brings me back to the concept of reasons versus excuses. I said in my first post about the concept that it would apply to erotica/romance novels. I may have an excessive fondness of superhero comics, football, and beer, but I’m a man of my word.

Think back to your favorite characters again and apply that concept to their actions, emotions, and motivations? How many of those traits qualify as reasons? How many of them qualify as excuses? How many are a little of both? If the answers are all over the place, then that’s further proof that the character is compelling and well-developed.

That should be abundantly clear because a great character is like an explorer on a journey with no GPS and a map with gravy stains on it. A lousy character is a glorified rat in a maze whose soul purpose is getting to the cheese. One is inherently more interesting than the other and unless you’re also a rat, you know which is which.

I’ve learned in my own experience with character development that you can’t have characters completely driven by excuses. That would give them the maturity of a 7-year-old on a toy store. You also can’t have them driven completely by reason either. That would make them as bland as robot with no personality or sex appeal.

Great characters, no matter what the genre or style, have a potent blend of reasons and excuses. Soldiers and warriors like those in Greek or Chinese myths are driven by duty. Those are tangible reasons. They’re also driven by more obscure concepts like honor, hubris, and ambition.

Then, you have characters who are students, parents, lovers, cowboys, business tycoons, athletes, and even prostitutes, like in my novel, “The Escort and the Gigolo.” They have reasons that are tangible and useful for doing what they do. They go to class because they’re students. They practice for a big game because they’re an aspiring athlete. They have sex with a lonely housewife because they’re paid to do so.

When it comes to excuses, that’s where the complexity really expands. Excuses help explain why someone is a certain type of student, a certain style of athlete, or a certain kind of prostitute. Not all students, soldiers, and prostitutes are the same. They have different motivations for doing what they do. They have just as many motivations for why they do it.

Sure, a student is a student because they have to be, but that same student could be an overachiever because they want to be the next Elon Musk. That’s both an ambitious dream and an excuse, but it’s also helps guide the character. Not every student wants to be the next Elon Musk so the way this character conducts themselves will be distinct.

With respect to erotica/romance, the blend of reasons and excuses gets a lot more potent, not to mention sexy. As hard as it is to create compelling characters with the right mix of reasons and excuses, creating two compelling characters and having them hook up in a believable way is just adding more moving parts to a machine that can blow up in your face if you let it.

Any story can just have two random people come together and have sex. That’s basically the plot of every porno ever made. However, porn isn’t crafted with the aim of telling compelling stories or crafting elaborate plots. It’s designed solely to make other people horny on the most basic level. Erotica/romance has to be ten times more elaborate while still making people horny. It’s a hell of a juggling act to say the least.

Take two characters from my book, “Skin Deep.” Ben Prescott and Mary Williams are the primary romance in the story. They both have similar reasons for wanting to be together. They’re both functional, non-sociopath humans. They seek connection, intimacy, and understanding with others. They able console one another when they’re in difficult, vulnerable situations.

Those reasons help make their chemistry believable. Beyond the reasons, though, the excuses add more layers to that chemistry. Ben was not that attractive at the start of the story. He didn’t have a lot of confidence. He’d basically accepted that Mary, who is described in the book as “a young Carmen Electra,” is way out of his league.

On Mary’s side of things, she knows she’s attractive. She knows she’s popular. She’s not with Ben in the beginning because she feels as though she should be dating the kinds of meathead guys that beautiful women are supposed to date. It’s an excuse because it’s built on a shallow assumption. Even though others around her completely understand and accept it, that doesn’t make it less of an excuse.

Later in the book, without getting too deep into spoiler territory since I do want people to buy it, there are some cold, inescapable reasons that essentially force them to re-evaluate how they feel about each other. They make excuses to avoid it. They make other excuses to embrace it. In the end, though, it makes for some pretty passionate moments.

The process of developing that romance was not easy. It had a lot of moving parts, a lot of moving targets, and a lot of graphic nudity. That only made it more satisfying when I completed the story. That’s another thing about crafting great characters with a solid blend of reasons and excuses. When you feel you’ve made one, you feel like you just got to polish the shine on Jennifer Lawrence’s ass. It’s a great feeling.

With my upcoming book, “Passion Relapse,” which comes out on April 18th, I feel I’ve created two strong characters who come together for all the right reasons with all the right excuses. I made it a point to make sure that the way they come together and how they come together feels genuine. I hope those that read it are as satisfied at the end as I was when I completed it. If you can keep your pants on, then consider that a bonus.

Whether you’re writing your own novels, crafting your own erotica/romances, or just celebrating your favorite fictional characters, understanding their reasons and excuses can go a long way towards appreciating them even more. It also ensures that when they hook up with someone whose just as compelling, it’ll be that much sexier.

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Tagged as character development, creative process, erotica, erotica/romance, excuses, fictional characters, iconic characters, love, narrative, novels, publishing, reasons, romance, strong characters

April 9, 2017 · 10:03 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Cherry Blossoms Edition

Spring is one of those seasons you either love or want to love. I say want to love because sometimes there are barriers. If you’ve got allergies that kick your ass every chance they get, then the sight of beautiful flowers and cherry blossoms are more likely to fill you with dread instead of awe.

It’s kind of tragic when you think about it. Cherry blossoms and flowers are so beautiful. You want to admire them. It’s like getting a headache every time you see a pair of breasts. You want to see them, but at the same time, you dread it because you know how it’s going to affect you. Some sights are just worth the pain though.

So when it comes to spring, I’m always somewhat torn. I love the warmer weather. It’s easier to sleep naked and the ladies wear less when they go out for a walk. However, having been beaten and abused by allergies my whole life, I can’t help but feel a twinge of dread when I see the trees in my neighborhood bloom.

This year has been no exception. I’m at the part of spring where I’m convinced that my sinuses hate me and want to make me miserable until summer. I’ll endure though. That’ll make the sight of beaches and bikinis that much more satisfying.

Until then, though, I’ll need a potent mix of allergy medications and sexy thoughts to tide me over. Since it is Sunday and I’m still committed to my weekly Sexy Sunday Thoughts column, I’d say I’m ready for some extra medicine. I don’t care how it enters my body. It just has to be potent. That’s every bit as dirty as you think it is.

“If all drugs had to be taken rectally, would that increase or decrease homophobia?”

It’s not much of a secret. When anti-gay crusaders go on their gay-bashing rants, they tend to focus heavily on anal sex. These same people probably pleasure themselves to the idea of two women going at it, but anal sex just makes them feel all sorts of strange and uncomfortable feelings.

Ignoring for the moment how asinine, if that’s not too loaded a word, their obsession over anal sex tends to be, I wonder if these people have ever had to take a drug rectally. If they did, would that change their sentiment? Would they still find another reason to whine about gays? It might not be an overly sexy thought, but it is pretty funny when you contemplate it.

“No matter what the dictionary says, the word exacerbate sounds like a form of desperate masturbation.”

I remember the first day my English teacher used this word. I was in the seventh grade. The limited maturity and excessive hormones of me and my fellow classmates ensured an awkward reaction. I know what the dictionary says. I’ve even used this word in my novels. No matter how inane its meaning might be, the inner seventh grader in me will always conjure dirty thoughts.

“Everything considered a vice makes us horny. Does that mean the police are indirectly regulating our horniess when they enforce drug laws?”

It’s another poorly-kept secret about drugs, drug enforcement, and vice laws. If you look closely at any of them, they’re all directly or indirectly affect our sex lives. If a drug makes us horny, then chances are the DEA will raid any place that makes it and the President will declare it as poisonous as arsenic.

We get it. Government and religious types don’t like the people getting too horny. It distracts us from more important things like paying taxes or building monuments to our overlords. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a place in civilization, but at least be honest about it.

“Pubic hair is either sexy or disgusting with very little in between. That means those who permanently remove their pubic hair are really hedging their bets.”

Pubic hair is like a never-ending fashion fad. Sometimes having a nice, unkempt bush is the sexiest thing a man or woman can do to their lower anatomy. Sometimes the mere sight of pubic hair inspires uncontrollable gagging. Like Pokémon, it’s a craze that comes and goes.

That’s why I think those who permanently remove their hair with something like electrolysis are really hedging their bets. While pubic hair might not be that sexy today, thanks largely to the efforts of the Brazilians, that could easily change in the coming years. When it comes to sexiness, don’t hedge your bets is what I’m saying.

“Everything that’s even slightly shaped like a penis will be the subject of a dirty joke. No exceptions.”

This is a basic rule of the internet, people, and life in general. We all have an inner 13-year-old just waiting to laugh at the first thing that reminds us of penises. It doesn’t matter if we’re old, bald, and shitting in bags. A part of us will always find humor in something that’s shaped like a penis. It’s one of those few rules that have no exceptions.

“If something can be used as lubricant, then it has been used in a sex act. No exceptions.”

Dick jokes aren’t the only rules that have no exceptions. Human beings are wonderfully inventive. Spray cheese in a can is already a testament to that ingenuity. However, it doesn’t take the chemical expertise of Walter White to understand how any potential lubricant can be used.

Whether we’re cavemen using fish entrails or rocket scientists using advanced molecular substrates, at some point those liquids will be used for something sexual. It might involve masturbation. It might involve sensual massages. In any case, it’s going to be used for a sex act at some point. Again, there are no exceptions to this rule.

“One man’s pain is another man’s foreplay. One woman’s foreplay is another man’s kink. One couple’s kink is a young child’s trauma.”

Human beings are strange and complicated creatures. The fact we’re actively working on sex robots is proof enough of that. Our concepts of foreplay and kink vary wildly from person to person. One person may find it disgusting, but another will be so turned on that they can’t get naked fast enough.

This kind of variety is a beautiful thing in my opinion. I’m all for people exploring and celebrating their kinks. Just make sure your kids don’t catch you. Some conversations are just too awkward at any age.

“When you think about it, a masturbation competition has no real losers.”

This is just simple logic. If you’re in a masturbation contest and you achieve orgasm at any point, then it doesn’t matter whether you’ve won or lost. You still had an orgasm. No matter what the situation, orgasms make you feel like a winner. Again, that’s just logic.

I hope that did the trick. Does everyone else feel their sinuses clearing up? If so, you’re welcome. If not, you’re still welcome because you now have sexy thoughts streaming through your head. Laughter may be the best medicine, but I’d say sexy thoughts are a close second.

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April 8, 2017 · 9:57 am

How “Sexually Fluid” Can You Be?

Whenever I ask a question on this blog, it’s usually for two general reasons. One, I want to get people thinking strange, sexy thoughts that may or may not require a change of panties later on. Two, I want to explore possible ideas for future novels, which may also require a change in panties at some point. In either case, the only real loser are the dry panties of the world.

I’ve asked questions about human enhancement, artificial wombs, and sex with robots. I admit I tend to think some oddly sexy thoughts in my everyday life. These aren’t exactly questions I can ask somebody on the bus without getting thrown out. I still think they’re worth discussing though. We’re all hear because of sex. It’s worth talking about.

This latest sexy question isn’t quite as colorful as sex robots, but it’s a lot more relevant. It has to do with recent trend that has been observed by GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, that the current generation of millennials is more sexually and gender fluid than previous generations.

What that means to those who took one too many sex ed classes in Texas is that more people today are not identifying as 100 percent heterosexual and more are not identifying 100 percent as a particular gender. I’ll give the Pat Robertsons of the world a moment to gasp and faint.

In terms of specifics, GLAAD’s 2017 Accelerating Acceptance report says that about 20 percent of millennials identify as something other than heterosexual and about 12 percent identify as something other than one particular gender. That’s quite an increase from previous decades where you couldn’t even get people to admit they masturbated.

GLAAD and their supporters say this is a positive thing and I agree to a large extent. It shows that more and more people are willing to come out as something other than what is considered “normal.” Given how the very concept of “normal” is flawed to begin with, especially in matters of sex, I think that shows that society is gaining a healthier attitude with respect to sexuality.

While this does count as progress in my mind, it does raise a bigger question that’s much harder to answer. Exactly how “sexually fluid” can we be in terms of our gender and sexuality? Does the report reveal a greater sexual flexibility in people? Or does it just reveal our current cultural trends?

Those are difficult question to answer. In some respects, they’re impossible to answer. Culture and attitudes do have an impact on our sexuality. Just look at last year’s trends in porn consumption for proof of that. At the same time, there are some components of our sexuality that are innate and inborn, a product of both genes and conditions in our mother’s womb.

The primary issue, and the one that neither GLAAD nor religious zealots can claim to know with certainty, is where cultural influence ends and biology begins. That line is not clear, poorly defined, and constantly changing as we learn more about our bodies and minds. Chances are it’ll keep changing for generations to come.

It’s still a relevant and interesting question to contemplate though. Is there a particular limit to how flexible a man or woman can be with their sexuality? I’m not just talking about the kind of flexibility that we see in “Orange is the New Black.” Prison is just one of those extreme situations that require us to be more flexible with our genitals than we’d usually be.

In this case, let’s try to avoid extremes and ask the question in the context of a functioning society. Just how fluid can a man and woman reasonably be? The answer for both genders might be different.

Current research indicates that women may be more sexually fluid than men. Is there a biological reason for this? Does the absence of testosterone or the abundance of estrogen make someone more likely to be attracted to both genders or not identify exclusively with one gender? Or is it possible that in a culture of internet porn, Lady Gaga, and Carl’s Jr. ads, female sexual fluidity is just more acceptable?

Again, it’s hard to pin down. The impact of sex hormones is always subject to change. We may discover tomorrow that pregnant women listening to boy bands may influence whether their child becomes homosexual, bisexual, or transgender. Human beings and biology in general are complicated, erratic, and as organized as a drunk stumbling through a Lego factory in the dark.

There may also be another factor to consider. These days, the worst thing you can be isn’t a communist, a Nixon insider, or an internet troll. Today, the greatest villain in Millennial crowds is the so-called “straight white cisgendered male.” Picture every villain inspired by Lex Luthor or Justin Beiber. That is who Millennials hate.

To be a straight white man who identifies as a man these days is to be a bad person by default. No matter who you are, whether you work for the peace corp or write erotica/romance, Millenials hate them because they think they’re the source of all the world’s problems. It’s one of those simple, believable, and wrong assertions that every generation believes to some degree.

The hippies had their villains. The yuppies had their as well. Millenials are no different. As such, they may be more inclined to identify as something other than straight, white, or male. It’s less a statement about their sexuality and more an elaborate display of virtue signaling, which is about as honest as genuine as a biology lecture from Jenny McCarthy.

So with these various complications in mind, I think it’s hard to conclude much of anything from GLAAD’s study. It’s one of those issues that’ll only become clearer in the future with the benefit of hindsight. By 2060, our descendants may look back on Millenials and say, “Wow! Those were some sexually confused motherfuckers.” They may also say, “Wow! I can’t believe we made that big a deal about sex back then.”

Until the day comes when we can all be shape-shifters like Mystique, this is going to be an issue. Sexual fluidity is one of those unavoidable outcomes from nature’s chaotic, often irrational forces. We can’t avoid it any more than men can avoid awkward boners.

It’s difficult to navigate, but I believe that Millennials are making a concerted effort to change that. The price, benefits, and extent of those efforts remain to be seen. All I know is that those efforts should give me plenty of interesting ideas for erotica/romance novels.

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Tagged as bisexuality, gay, gay and lesbian, gender fluid, GLADD, homosexuality, human sexuality, intimacy, lesbian, love, Millennials, sex, sexual attitudes, sexual health, sexuality, transgender

April 6, 2017 · 7:44 am

Building Your Own Lover: Possibilities And Implications

Strap yourself in and put on a clean pair of panties because I’m going to talk about sex robots again. I know I’ve talked about it a lot, sometimes as a thought experiment and sometimes in response to new breakthroughs, such as the first robot brothel. If it sounds like I think about sex robots more than any straight man should, I apologize. It’s not my fault the subject is both titillating and relevant.

I say it’s relevant because, even when you remove the titillating parts, robots are becoming an increasingly large part of our society. They’re not just fancy toys and CGI characters in Michael Bay movies. Robots are a growing part of our economy. In some ways, they’re taking it over.

Forget China, Mexicans, and immigrants. According a Ball State study, robots accounted for 87 percent of the loss in manufacturing jobs from 2000 to 2010. People aren’t being put out of work because some foreigners are coming over and stealing jobs. Factories are just becoming more efficient because they’re using robots.

Have you ordered something from Amazon lately? Have you ordered something from any retailer? Well, chances are, a robot helped process that order and for good reason. Robots don’t get sick, they don’t unionize, they don’t get tired, and they don’t take coffee breaks.

The problem is that robots don’t respond to protests, intimidation, racism, and xenophobia. In addition, robots like the ones Boston Dynamics have created recently are kind of scary. Protest all you want. You are not going to win a fight against a robot. They may not kill you like the Terminator, but they will take over because they’re just that much more efficient.

Now I don’t want to get into a debate about how robots affect the economy and how people can possibly compete against robot workers. That’s a complex debate that isn’t going to make anyone outside of an economics class horny. Instead, I’d like to discuss the growing trends in robots in a more intimate manner.

Robots are going to be a bigger part of our lives in the coming years. There’s just too much money to be made and too many benefits to overlook. There will be those who take “The Terminator” and “The Matrix” too seriously and dread that robots will destroy us all. I’m not saying that’s an impossible scenario, but I do believe it’s one we can avoid.

That’s where the intimacy comes in. We can’t fight robots and win. Robots can’t get made without us. In a sense, we’re already two creatures that are intimately entwined. So perhaps a solution to embracing robots as part of humanity is to actually love them and teach them to love us back.

I know it doesn’t sound that sexy right now. When most people think of robots these days, they either think of the ones that took their jobs or the ones that blow shit up in every action movie ever made. On top of that, they don’t exactly much sex appeal.

However, I believe that will change. I believe it’s already changing with the way we interact with technology. We already have AI assistants that are steadily integrating themselves into our lives. We have Siri on our phones, Alexa in our homes, and Cortana in our computers. These AI’s don’t have bodies yet, but one day they will. The only question is how much sex appeal will we give them?

That’s progress for some and another step towards a robot apocalypse for another. What’s the endgame though? Well, nobody can really say right now, especially not an aspiring erotica/romance writer who gets most of his robot knowledge from comic books and TED Talks. However, there is one scenario that I might be able to explore, which may end up deciding whether we get along with them or become their pet meat-bags.

It starts with a simple question that I’m sure everyone who is single or stuck in an unsatisfying relationship has asked themselves in some form or another. If you could create the perfect lover, what would he or she be like?

With pace of advancement in robotics technology, that’s not entirely a rhetorical question anymore. If we can program a robot to keep our schedule, clean our carpets, and fill our Amazon orders, then why can’t we program one to love us? Again, that’s not entirely a rhetorical question.

I say not entirely because there’s still a lot about emotions we don’t understand. There are probably certain aspects about emotions we can never understand. Human beings are just too complicated. What else explains the love and devotion that some people put into lovers, family, and My Little Pony?

Even if we don’t fully understand our emotion, we still understand them well enough to know what want in a lover. Robots, being programmable and malleable, are an ideal medium for crafting those emotional connections. We’ve already made a movie about a man who falls in love with his phone. Someone falling in love with a life-like robot isn’t too great a stretch.

The concept has already found itself into plenty of narratives, including a Hallie Joel Osmont movie and a technical demonstration for the PlayStation 4 called “Kara.” Just watch “Kara” for a moment and let your dirty, sexy thoughts fill in the blanks.

Kara might have just been a demonstration, but it crafts a clear and believable scenario about how our future robot lovers may take shape. Like buying a custom computer, we specify how we want it to look. We specify which language it’ll speak. We even craft a personality that we find desirable. Anything we could possibly want in a lover, we could create.

Want your lover to look like a young Brad Pitt? You can have one. Want your lover to look like Jennifer Lawrence? You can have one. Want your lover to look like mix of Keith Richards and Snoop Dogg? You can have one of those too, even if it does reveal a lot about your tastes in lovers.

The gender of your robot lover could be fluid. It could be exceedingly masculine, like John Cena on steroids. It can be voluptuously feminine, like Pamela Anderson after a boob job. It can even be some sort of blend, a female body with a penis or a male body with a vagina. There’s no limit because robots aren’t confined by the limits of biology.

Those worried about the functionality of certain body parts wouldn’t have to worry. Lab-grown body parts are already in development. It’s even farther ahead than you think. I’ve already talked about the development of a bionic penis. Given a few more decades of refinement, artificial genitals won’t just be functional. They’ll function better than anything nature could create.

These robot lovers wouldn’t be slaves or servants, though. There would likely be other types of robots to fill these uses. These robots have one purpose and one purpose only. That’s to be your ideal lover. How can any other human possibly compete? Just as robots took our factory jobs, they may also take the job of every whore, gigolo, and match-maker.

For some, this is a scary scenario, people preferring the love of robots over other people. Some would even dread that this would lead to the extinction of the human race. Well, those same people probably haven’t heard about artificial wombs either. In fact, it’s probably a good idea not to tell them. If they have that big a problem with robot lovers, then chances are they won’t feel much better about robot wombs.

We create robots because we seek more efficiency. We seek lover because, as living beings, we seek connection. Robots, in their current form, aren’t alive and don’t need the same connections. However, once we create in them a desire for connection, what would that mean for them? What would that mean for us?

I’m not at all qualified to contemplate the full implications. At most, I’m qualified to take this concept and turn it into a sexy story. Chances are, I will at some point in the future. I can’t say it’ll be a prelude of things to come. I craft my stories with the intent of being fun, entertaining, and sexy.

However, there may come a day when a sexy story just doesn’t cut it. One day, our desire for connection may find its way into a robot. When that happens, what kind of connection will we create? What kind of intimacy will we forge? It’s a daunting, but sexy idea to contemplate.

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Tagged as Artificial Intelligence, demographics, futurism, human psychology, human relationships, love, relationships, robots, romance, sex, sex in society, sex robots, sexy

April 4, 2017 · 6:56 am

Love And Age Disparity: Why It Matters

A few years ago, Bill Maher, one of my favorite comedians, did a little routine on the titillating phenomenon of hot female teachers hook up with their male students. Being the brilliant mind he is, he summed it and the controversy surrounding it quite nicely.

“When an older male teacher sleeps with a younger female student, that is a crime. When an older female teacher sleeps with a younger male student, it’s a crime we didn’t get it on tape.”

It’s a funny, but fairly accurate observation. Whenever a story comes out about a hot female teacher sleeping with a male student, the knee-jerk reaction in many men, and even a few women, is pretty telling. We may act like we’re appalled in polite conversation, but in private, we’re thinking, “What a lucky kid! I wish I had teachers like that when I was a kid.”

We have an entirely different knee-jerk reaction when the genders are reversed. While it doesn’t make the news quite as often, it does happen. Most of the time, however, the knee-jerk reaction is entirely different. Most are appalled and disgusted, both in public and in private. We think and we say, “That man is a monster and a predator! How dare he sleep with one of his students? He should be hung from the highest tree!”

There’s no way around it. This is a double standard, something I’ve talked about many times before. It’s probably the most stark double standard there is between genders because it’s one of the few both sides agree on. A female teacher sleeping with a male student is kind of fun and titillating. A male teacher sleeping with a female student is a disgusting crime.

Now I’m not going to make the claim that this disparity is wrong. I’m not going to take the position of Men’s Rights Advocates and claim we should make the stigma between male and female teachers seducing students an equal phenomenon. It’s not. There are many reasons why it’s not and I’ll save those reasons for another blog post.

For this post, I want to focus more on the less obvious aspect of the teacher/student affair phenomenon. It’s one that actually manifests in many ways outside the classroom. It involves the age disparity between the couple.

A couple with a large age disparity is a bit less controversial, but it will still get people from both genders arguing about it. However, it’s still plenty titillating for both genders so I’ll try to focus on that component. Yes, there is a unique sexiness component to age disparity. Yes, I’m going to talk about it. If that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, you might want to read my posts about sex robots instead.

Age disparity is one of those understated, but obvious issues that has always been part of our sexual culture. Men seeking younger women isn’t just an old, common tradition. It’s downright practical.

Even feminists and hippie types concede that for most of human history, it made sense for older men to seek younger women. That’s because for most of human history, women died at far greater rates due to complications during childbirth or pregnancy. A woman who survived two or three pregnancies was considered extremely lucky. A woman who lived long enough to seek the intimate company of younger men was downright rare.

This cold pragmatism has ensured that men seeking younger women is an inescapable component of our sexual culture. To this day, older men seeking younger women isn’t really taboo. When a rich man seeks the company of a beautiful young woman, it’s just shrugged off as one of those things rich people do because they can.

That’s why the idea of older women seeking younger men still generates this awkward reaction. It’s not so much that it’s taboo. It’s just new in the sense that it was an impractical practice until very recently.

Now, the concept of a “cougar” is a real phenomenon, so much so that MILF (mom I love to fuck) porn is big business. The idea of older women seducing young men may not disgust us, but it does get us thinking awkward thoughts.

Awkward or not, age disparity in romance is one of those things that occupies a nebulous region of our sexual culture. We understand why it happens. We’ve even conditioned ourselves to accept it in some instances, as the life of Anna Nichole Smith can attest. It’s just not something we think about and maybe that’s the problem.

Pragmatism aside, there are some legitimate reasons why younger women would seek the company of older men. Not all of those reasons have to do with wanting to inherit his money. Granted, that can be part of it, but that’s not always the case.

In an older man, a young woman can see someone who is experienced, established, and mature. As a man, I can’t help but concede on the maturity part. Having been a young man and having survived high school, I freely admit that young men can be immature little shits who don’t know the first thing about loving a woman. For that, on behalf of young men, I apologize.

Beyond the maturity aspect, an older man might actually know what the hell he’s doing when he gets a woman into his bed. Unlike a young man, who may know next to nothing about female anatomy, especially if he got his sex education in Texas, an older man has more experience in satisfying a woman. That experience goes a long way.

When the genders flip, some of those reasons still apply. It’s true. Men will seek the company of older women for that extra experience. True, an older woman is less likely to have the perky features of a younger woman, but perky body parts only go so far.

As a man, I can offer a bit more insight into this. I can’t say I prefer older women, but I can totally understand why men would be attracted to them. Younger women, especially those who are extra perky, tend to be more demanding. I’m not just talking about expensive shopping trips either. Youth in both genders tends to breed arrogance and arrogance can be a huge turn-off to a man, no matter how attractive a woman is.

In older women, men see someone who is a bit more measured and self-assured. They see someone who knows how to be independent. She doesn’t demand that they make her the center of their world. An older woman can take care of herself. She knows how to handle herself without whining for someone else to do it. A woman who can do that at any age will intrigue a man to some degree.

Between the sheets, the intrigue only grows. While younger women may make men horny, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll make them feel satisfied. Young women who lack in sexual experience may not know how a man likes to be touched, teased, and pleasured. I admit that male anatomy isn’t quite as complicated, but make no mistake, ladies. Experience does make a difference.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, age will play a factor in your sex life in some form or another. It may not always be direct, but it will still be a factor. At the end of the day, though, does it matter?

If an older man falls in love with a much younger woman or if an older woman falls in love with a much younger man, is their love any less genuine? Is the intimacy they enjoy any less meaningful? Granted, it isn’t always as titillating, but it can still have meaning.

In some respects, our culture and media create an artificial taboo of sorts. So many love songs, TV shows, and movies paint this ideal picture of love. It almost always involves two people who are relatively close in age. Add a little sex appeal and that’s basically the standard by which we measure sex and romance.

While that standard has its merits, it doesn’t work for everyone. Everyone’s tastes in sex and romance are unique. Some people are going to be attractive to different kinds of people for different reasons. In the end, so long as the feelings are genuine and not associated with Anna Nichole Smith, I think it’s still every bit as meaningful.

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Tagged as double standards, gender equality, gender issues, hot for teacher, hot teachers, human sexuality, love, relationships, romance, sex, sexual health, sexy, teachers, women seeking men, women's issues

April 3, 2017 · 6:43 am

An Ode To Hot Teachers

Being a teenager sucks. Going to high school sucks. Going through puberty sucks. Unless you’re a star athlete or a cheerleader with the body of a young Carmen Electra, chances are your adolescence in general sucked.

Mine sure sucked. As I’ve said before, I was socially inept shut-in who did little to take care of himself. On top of that, I had a horrible acne problem that eventually required medication. I wasn’t just a pain to be around. I wasn’t much to look at either. That basically guaranteed that my teenage years were going to suck, despite having great parents, great siblings, and an environment that gave me every opportunity to be less miserable.

I get the impression that my experience is not typical. Teenagers are walking cocktails of hormones, emotions, and ignorance. Everyone, from the nerds to the jocks, finds a reason to be miserable at some point. The fact anyone survives it at all is nothing short of a miracle.

I highlight this misery because I want to establish a certain context here. Life as a teenager, going to high school and enduring the monstrous transformation that is puberty, is fraught with misery. Anything that makes it just a little bit easier is akin to giving a starving child a lifetime supply of chocolate cake.

That leads me to hot teachers. No, I’m not talking about a porno sub-genre. I’m not talking about the scandals involving teachers sleeping with their students that make the front page of Fox News’ website at least three times a year either. I’m just talking about that one teacher during that one year in your teenage life that actually made going to school less miserable.

Don’t deny it. You had a teacher like that. I’m not saying he or she was a supermodel or an Olympian, but they definitely got your attention and not with their teaching skills. Something about them just sparked that chaotic cocktail of hormones in your body in just the right ways. It made you think thoughts you didn’t quite understand, even after you discovered internet porn.

Hot teachers are a sliver of gold in the mountain of horse shit that is adolescence. In some ways, they’re a rite of passage. You only really feel like you’re growing up when your genitals start doing strange things around a teacher you find attractive. It can be awkward, as anyone who has ever had to hide a boner in the middle of algebra class can attest. Then again, awkwardness with teenagers is par for the course.

I believe that hot teachers are a gift to the world, if not an act of mercy to all those whose adolescence was more miserable than most. They remind miserable, emotional, melodramatic teenagers that there’s still beauty in the world. It’s not all just acne, homework, and standardized tests. For teenagers of every generation, their value cannot be overstated.

As a tribute to the hot teachers of the world, I’d like to share another personal story. Unlike some of my previous stories, though, this one doesn’t involve actual nudity. It does involve thoughts of nudity though. How can it not? It involves my teenage self.

It’s true though. I too once had a hot teacher, one I still remember fondly to this day. She was a rare beacon of light in the never-ending torment that was high school. She actually made me less miserable in high school. That’s something that therapy, anti-depressants, and Taco Tuesday can’t boast. She’s kind of a personal hero is what I’m saying.

Out of respect for her privacy, I won’t reveal her name. For the sake of this story, let’s just call her Ms. Diana. I had Ms. Diana for a history class in my sophomore year. At the time, I was 16. My acne problem was just starting to become a crisis. My hormones were just starting to go into overdrive as well. I remember having to hide at least one awkward boner a day. Ms. Diana didn’t help in that effort, but with her, I didn’t mind.

Ms. Diana was one of those young, energetic teachers who loved to talk fast and fill the room with energy. She wasn’t the kind of teacher who would just give presentations, pass out worksheets, and lay out lists of facts. She actually tried to keep people engaged. She tried to get people excited. She might as well have been the high school equivalent of a lion tamer.

She was also hot. I hope that goes without saying. I don’t just mean hot, in terms of personality. I mean Ms. Diana was hot in that she would’ve looked awesome in a bikini and not because she had a beauty regiment on par with Gwenth Paltrow, complete with jade egg for a healthy vagina.

No, Ms. Diana’s beauty was a natural beauty. She didn’t need makeup. She didn’t need designer clothes. She came into class wearing something she probably bought on sale and she still made it look sexy. That’s a special kind of beauty, even by teenage standards.

That beauty definitely resonated with my teenage self. I can’t remember a class where I paid more attention and felt more engaged. I can’t say that about a lot of the teachers or classes I’ve taken. I also can’t say those classes got me thinking and feeling things that I didn’t feel without an internet connection. It was a strange, but beautiful thing.

Now I never went out of my way to tell Ms. Diana that I found her very attractive. That’s not because I wanted to avoid a scandal that would end with one of us being interviewed by Wolf Blitzer though. I didn’t tell her because it wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t necessary because I wasn’t the only hormonal teenage boy in that class and some of those boys did not have filters between their brains and their mouths.

It was very much an open secret in the school. The boys thought Ms. Diana was hot. Nobody really argued about it. Nobody denied it either. I get the sense she knew that. I don’t think she would’ve agreed to teach teenagers if she didn’t to some extent. Maybe she knew she could keep her students’ attention by being hot. I’m not saying it’s a little coy, but you can’t argue with results.

This eventually culminated in an incident I still laugh about today. It happened one day after lunch. We were filing into class. I was there a few minutes early and so were a couple of my male classmates. Then, out of nowhere, this exchange happened:

Male Student: Hey, Ms. Diana! Is your dad a terrorist?

Ms. Diana: Um…no. Why do you ask?

Male Student: Because you’re the bomb!

I laughed. We all laughed. Even Ms. Diana laughed. This after September 11th, by the way. The fact that we laughed about it should hint at just how hot Ms. Diana was and how much me and my fellow male students appreciated her.

To this day, Ms. Diana holds a special place in my heart and my memory. At a time when so many memories from that era were bleak and forgettable, she was a shining star that came along at just the right time for an awkward teenage boy. I like to think that the feelings she inspired in me helped inspire my future aspirations as an erotica/romance writer.

I doubt that’s what Ms. Diana intended to teach me. I’m pretty sure she just wanted me to pass my tests and exams. Thankfully, I did. That other inspiration was just a bonus. Maybe one day when I become a famous erotica/romance writer, I’ll thank her. She deserves as such for helping me survive high school.

Until then, I remain forever grateful to Ms. Diana. On behalf of all those who had lurid thoughts about their teachers, I thank those wonderful teachers who look good naked who helped inspire both minds and genitals. You may not think it, but you helped us in ways that went beyond teaching us. You helped make our teenage years slightly less miserable. For that, you should be proud.

With that, I leave you with the ultimate ode to hot teachers, courtesy of Van Halen.

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Tagged as education, high school, hot for teacher, hot teachers, human psychology, love, romance, sex, sexual education, sexual health, sexy, sexy teachers, teachers, teen drama, teenagers

April 2, 2017 · 10:48 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Opening Day Edition

This weekend is a glorious weekend for a certain type of sports fans. Baseball, the great American past-time, has returned and for the first time since the days of the Ottoman Empire, the Chicago Cubs are defending world champions. That alone is something to marvel at.

I know it’s an odd combination, a man being a fan of both erotica/romance and sports. I love many kinds of sports. I certainly hope I’ve made my love of football abundantly clear. I also have a soft spot for baseball. One of my favorite summer activities is to come home from a long day of writing erotica/romance, pop open a cold beer, and watch a ballgame. I won’t say it’s as great as sex, but it’s still pretty darn great.

It’s also personal for me. I played baseball as a kid. I also loved playing catch with my dad in the back yard. Baseball is full of all sorts of fond, happy memories for me. That’s why I’m more than happy to dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the new baseball season. Here’s to hoping we all hit a home run.

“A woman with a great butt appeals to many grown men. A woman with great tits appeals to both grown men and infants. Advantage: great tits.”

It’s a debate as old as civilization. Which is sexier, butts or breast? Many heated debates and bar fights have erupted over this debate. Men and women are so fond or proud of both. It may very well be an unwinnable argument.

That said, when it comes down to pure numbers, tits have the edge. A great butt is beautiful and all, but it won’t feed a crying infant. That’s an advantage that even the roundest, sexiest of butts can never match.

“In retrospect, we’re grateful that our parents had sex to make us. However, we still get queasy when we think about how much they enjoyed it. Does that make us hypocrites?”

It’s another instance where our built-in gag reflex keeps us from appreciating how we came to be. Face it, our parents had to have sex in order for us to exist. Chances are, they probably enjoyed it too. The fact that they enjoyed making us should make us feel proud and loved.

Even so, a part of us still twinges at the idea of our parents enjoying the beautiful act that gave us life. Does that count as hypocrisy? Given the reflexive nature of it all, I’m not sure. I just hope that my parents did enjoy making me. If my stomach hates me for that sentiment, then so be it.

“Most people tend not to wonder who invented thong underwear. We’re more curious about why it took so damn long in the first place.”

Some inventions aren’t a matter of necessity. Some aren’t even a matter of practicality either. They’re just a natural byproduct of human ingenuity. The rock, the hammer, and the nail certainly qualify as such. I would also put thong underwear in that category too.

For as long as there have been humans, there have been efforts to augment the sexier parts of our bodies. Sometimes it involved fancy gowns. Sometimes it involved cod-pieces. However, it’s easy to imagine someone in any era imagining something like thong underwear.

“In a literal sense, we treat public nudity the same way we treat spam email. We’re eager to remove it the second we see it.”

I hate spam email. We all do. It deserves to be hated. It’s one of those things we instinctively attack the moment we see it. When it comes to nudity, though, I think those instincts are misguided.

I’ve said before that I’m a fan of nudity. I think the world would be a better place if we allowed and celebrated more nudity. At the moment, though, nudity triggers this instinct in all to be appalled by it. I don’t think that’s healthy or natural. I intend to fight that instinct as best I can with my novels.

“If money makes certain women horny, then do they consider large alimony checks a form of extended afterglow?”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying all women are gold-diggers looking to plunder a man’s wallet using the full force of draconian marriage/divorce laws. However, there are some women who take that practice to extreme levels.

The prize of those extremes are a fat alimony check from some rich guy who wanted to have sex with a beautiful woman and had the necessary resources to do so. By any measure, that’s not a bad prize. Considering sex was needed to get it, I do wonder how afterglow applies.

“Men don’t like to think of themselves as whores, but still pride themselves on their ability to sell their skills.”

I find it odd, and a little ironic, that men use the term whore as an insult. However, when it comes to selling their skills and their abilities to the highest bidder, the only difference between them and a classic whore is the absence of boob jobs. When you think about it, being a whore and being successful go hand-in-hand. They both require the same skill. One just requires the exchange of more body fluids.

“Softcore porn is to adults what Saturday morning cartoons are to kids. In addition, hardcore porn is to adults what classic Disney movies are to kids.”

I loved Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. They were a simple, basic pleasure that put a smile on my face. When I discovered softcore porn on premium cable, I discovered another simple, basic pleasure that gave me a similar smile.

Like many kids, I also enjoyed Disney movies. They always raised the bar for cartoons, story, and drama. In that sense, hardcore porn had a similar effect on me as an adult. It raised the bar for what put a smile on my face. It’s kind of poetic when you think about it.

“When you think about it, a lesbian gynecologist is the most motivated doctor in all of medicine.”

We’re all motivated when it comes to our jobs. If we’re not, then chances are we won’t keep that job for very long. That’s why it’s important to find a job we’re highly motivated to do and do well.

By that standard, who could possibly be more motivated than a lesbian gynecologist? Seriously, I dare anyone to find a job where the incentives are that personal and that strong.

That’s it for now. Now get out there, buy yourself some peanuts and cracker jacks, and enjoy a ball game. If you’re alone at home, clothes are entirely optional. I think you all know which option I’ll be exercising.? Man

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Tagged as baseball, comedy, dirty jokes, erotica, humor, Jack Fisher, jokes, love, Opening Day, romantic comedy, sex, sexy, sexy jokes, Sexy Sunday Thoughts

March 30, 2017 · 6:32 am

Are We Becoming More (Sexually) Uptight?

There was once a time in American culture where the media couldn’t even acknowledge that sex existed, let alone happened between wholesome scenes of family dinners and fishing trips. An average episode of “Scandal” would’ve horrified audiences in 1965, who were used to seeing a married couple sleep in separate beds on “I Love Lucy.”

Without a doubt, sex on TV has come a long way. We no longer bat an eye when Kevin Spacey goes down on Kate Mara in “House of Cards” or when Glen Quagmire raises the bar for sexual debauchery on “Family Guy.” By all accounts, we’ve become a lot more accepting.

That being said, is it possible that we’re becoming more sexually uptight? Bear with me. I promise I’m not being sarcastic here. This is part of an ongoing observation that I’ve explored in other posts.

Some of it has to do with trends in feminism. Some of it has to do with the various peculiarities of the gender dynamics in our sexual culture. I’m not saying what I’m seeing is definitive, but as an aspiring erotica/romance writer, this does concern me because it may very well affect my industry.

Now when I ask whether we’re becoming more sexually uptight, I don’t mean to say that we’re regressing to a point where women can’t show their ankles and men can’t acknowledge that the female orgasm exists. In an era of internet porn and Photoshop, that sort of prudishness just isn’t possible. Never-the-less, there are other ways for Puritan attitudes towards sex to manifest in new ways.

Picture the following scenario:

There’s a beautiful woman walking around topless on a sunny beach. A young man takes a moment to stare at her breasts and admire their beauty. The woman notices the man and is appalled. The woman points at the man, calls him a misogynist pig, and rallies every woman around her to scold and shame the man for daring to look at her exposed breasts.

What I just described isn’t necessarily something that happens on a day-to-day basis. It’s more a manifestation of the kinds of sexual attitudes that are evolving. We no longer censor sexuality or deny that it exists. Instead, we shame people who dare to appreciate it in ways we don’t approve of.

In many respects, this is just as bad as any censorship by the FCC because it isn’t imposed by a government body. It’s something that we’re doing to each other. Unlike government bureaucracy though, shaming actually works. In fact, shaming pre-dates government because it uses the built-in system of guilt that every human who isn’t a sociopath has hardwired into them.

Now trends in being sexually uptight aren’t new. For much of human history, civilization has gone through various cycles of sexual attitudes. Some ancient cultures, like Egypt, were relatively liberal in their sexual attitudes. Others, like Victorian era England, were so famously uptight for their sexual repression that visible ankles were considered scandalous.

Even in modern times, there are some parts of the world that are more sexually repressed than others. Places like India and Saudi Arabia, despite being thriving modern economies, have some very backwards attitudes towards sexuality. They don’t need shame to shun someone who has sex in a way they don’t approve of. They have the authority to just throw those people in jail, which they believe is sure to kill their sex drive.

What makes this trend in the west so disconcerting, though, is that it’s emerging from a society where equality and justice are among our highest values. Countries like America pride themselves, despite protests to the contrary, in their values towards gender equality. The problem is that, for some, equality just isn’t enough.

Here’s a real-world example that illustrates this issue. Back in 2013, an incident occurred at Occidental College wherein two freshmen had consensual sex while drunk, but only the man ended up getting expelled. Why did he get expelled? Well, by their standards, a woman cannot consent to sex while drunk. Therefore, the man committed sexual assault.

Think about that for a moment and try to make sense of it. Two people get drunk, but they’re not so drunk that they can barely stand. In this story, the two people involved could not only send texts. They could also talk about using condoms and practicing safe sex. How can such responsible behavior constitute assault?

It didn’t matter though. By the standards of the school, the man still committed sexual assault and was expelled. The woman didn’t get charged with anything. She was a victim who was traumatized by the act of having consensual sex after a few drinks.

Again, think about that for a moment. Think about what that kind of mentality indicates. Our sexual culture is becoming unequal again, but this time in a different way. Instead of women being shamed for their sexual practices, it’s men who are being shamed.

Today, a man who lusts for a woman and expresses his fondness of sex is considered a pig, a deviant, and a sexist. A woman who lusts for a man and expresses her fondness of sex is considered liberated, free-spirited, and strong. That is not equality. That is a recipe for repression and injustice, albeit in different way.

Ironically, this trend is regressing fashion trends among women. We’re already seeing it in superhero costumes. Female characters are less likely to show off their breasts or female curves. It’s as if highlighting the physical traits of women is now considered an act of misogyny.

As a man, I find these trends troubling and insulting. Am I somehow wrong, immoral, or sexist because I enjoy the sight of beautiful naked women? Are my attitudes towards women somehow flawed because I dare to admire their beauty? I wish those were rhetorical questions.

This troubles me even more as an aspiring erotica/romance writer because it means some of the novels I want to write might be rejected as being sexual in the wrong sort of way. I can easily imagine rejection letters saying “this book doesn’t have enough diversity” or “the man enjoys the sex too much” or “the woman is too feminine.”

I can just as easily imagine such regressive attitudes turning the erotica/romance I love into this target for those who claim it’s an affront to women. Never mind the fact that I write these stories to enchant, entertain, and titillate, some will still see it as some sort of egregious act of sexism.

This really does concern me. I’d rather not return to the days where people don’t even acknowledge sex exists and any attempt to discuss it is somehow taboo. We’ve already experienced that kind of repression and it doesn’t work. Let’s at least try to remain sane on matters as important and intimate as sexuality.

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Tagged as censorship, feminism, intimacy, love, Radical Feminism, romance, sex, sex in media, sex in movies, sex in society, sex on TV, sexual freedom, sexual repression

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