Happy Easter, everybody! I hope everyone spends the day gorging on scrambled eggs, chocolate covered eggs, egg-shaped candy, and ham. I know the ham kind of seems like a non-sequitur, but I’m not going to argue against a holiday that combines meat and candy.
Now like many, I don’t really understand why Easter is considered a religious holiday, yet we celebrate it with colored eggs, rabbits, and ham. Rabbits don’t even lay eggs, last I checked. They don’t even eat chocolate. It’s confusing. Again though, it still involves meat and candy so I’m not going to complain too much.
It doesn’t help that Easter has roots in pagan fertility festivals that treated spring as a sign that it’s time to start having sex like rabbits. Actually, I take that back. That does help. That actually does make Easter a bit sexier. It still doesn’t make a lot of sense, but as an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can always appreciate some added sex appeal.
Regardless of how you justify combining chocolate, rabbits, and eggs, it’s still a holiday. It’s still an excuse to get together with your family, have a good meal, and make love to your lover. Hopefully, it’s not in that exact order. Go out and enjoy it!
So in the spirit of Easter, chocolate bunnies, and pagan fertility rituals, I offer another holiday version of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. If they can aid in whatever fertility rituals you may or may not take part in, then that’s just a bonus.
“The story of Adam and Eve makes a lot more sense when you consider how many stupid things people do when they’re naked.”
I’m no biblical scholar. I’m not a theologian either. I’m not even an expert on the decision-making processes associated with nudity and I’m a guy who loves to sleep naked. I just know that people are prone to making stupid decisions and nudity tends to facilitate those decisions.
Now I’m not saying nudity is to blame for the fall of man. I’m not even criticizing whatever deity wired humans to be the way they are. I’m just saying that when we’re naked, we’re not exactly inclined to think things through and behave responsibly. Whether we’re in the Garden of Eden or bar in New Orleans, you can usually expect stupid decisions to coincide with nudity.
“You know your fetish is extreme if doing it in front of a police station earns you more than a citation.”
Being an erotica/romance writer, I’m convinced that everyone has their own level of kink. Some are more elaborate than others. Some involve handcuffs, whips, stilettos, ice cubes, and an industrial sized barrel of lube. I encourage everyone to embrace and explore their kinks as responsibly as possible.
However, if you’re worried about just how extreme your kink may be, just imagine what would happen if you did it in front of a police station. If it earns you more than a public indecency fine, then that’s a pretty clear sign.
“As soon as science perfects repairing a man’s penis, the number of exceedingly dangerous sex acts is bound to skyrocket.”
This may happen sooner than we think. Bionic penises are already a reality. There may come a day where getting a new penis is as easy as getting a new phone. When that day comes, I believe men will be a lot more reckless with their sex lives. I pity the poor EMTs and doctors who have to treat these men and listen to the kinky stories behind their injuries. Then again, maybe some of them will make for good erotica/romance.
“Women should treat their vaginas like they treat their phones. Keep it close, keep it up-to-date, and make sure the equipment is perfectly specified for your tastes and others.”
This is just common sense. I see the way women treat their phones these days. They’re more precious than jewelry, makeup, and their parents’ credit card. They’re so careful and coy with them, always making sure they’re updated and functioning properly.
Now imagine how much better their sex lives would be if they treated their vaginas with the same care? It’s not taboo to take care of your phone, but vaginal health is still somewhat taboo for reasons that can’t be good. So moving forward, I propose that women use the way they care for their phones as a model for how they care for their vaginas.
“Obesity tends to increase in societies where holidays involve too much food and no fertility rituals. Coincidence? I think not.”
There are some traditions from our ancestors that are best left in the past. I don’t think it benefits society in any way to go back to ritual animal sacrifice in hopes of a bountiful harvest. However, I think some ancient ideas deserve a second look and fertility rituals should be at the top of that list.
Say what you will about our primitive ancestors, but they knew how to party when it came to celebrating fertility. When there was a holiday, they made sure they celebrated the joys of fertility and sex. These days, we just celebrate with eating a lot of food. Given the ongoing obesity epidemic and the amount of calories we burn during sex, I’d say fertility rituals could go a long way towards balancing things out.
“Tax evasion would not be as big a problem if all tax returns came with a free blowjob.”
Nobody likes paying taxes. That’s a given. Who can blame anyone for trying to avoid it? Sure, it undermines entire countries and the very foundations of civilization, but you still can’t blame anyone for wanting to avoid it.
Rather than crack the whip, I say we start dangling a carrot. Few carrots are as juicy and universally appealing as blowjobs. Even if you’re the greediest, meanest crook this side of a Charles Dickens novel, a blowjob appeals to you. I say use that appeal to make paying taxes more rewarding. When it comes to rewards, blowjobs are a nearly universal currency.
“Timmie Jean Lindsey, the first woman to get a boob job, deserves to be way more famous than she is.”
The name Timmie Jean Linsey probably doesn’t sound familiar to you, but every porn star and trophy wife owes her a debt of gratitude. In 1962, she agreed to take a bold leap for mankind and volunteered for the first ever boob job.
The procedure was new, untested, and potentially dangerous. It may even do serious damage to a serious part of her body. Ms. Linsey, with a bravery that puts Neil Armstrong to shame, took that chance and the world is sexier because of it. So on behalf of all men, thank you, Ms. Linsey. From our heart to our genitals, we thank you.
I hope you’re now inspired/horny to go off and celebrate Easter in your own special way. Whether it involves fertility rituals or gorging chocolate bunnies, I hope this helps. So once again, from me to you, have a safe and sexy Easter.