Tag Archives: funny quotes

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Easter 2018 Edition

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Easter is a strange, but intriguing holiday. Growing up, I honestly didn’t know what it was about. To me, it was just another reason to gather at my grandmother’s house and enjoy some of her legendary cooking. That was pretty much the only reason I looked forward to it. All the religious connotations and chocolate eggs were secondary.

I don’t deny that Easter is still a major holiday for some. Most still don’t understand why a holiday associated with the resurrection of Jesus is also associated with rabbits, but I don’t think they mind, even if it has some sexy connotations. I’m not going to bemoan it. I have too many fond memories of family gatherings and amazing deserts to care.

Whatever the case, Easter is still a holiday and one that’s worth appreciating. Whether you celebrate by going to church or gorging on marshmallow peeps, you have a reason to do a little something special. Take advantage of it in whatever way works for you. Let this week’s special Easter edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” get you into the spirit. Enjoy!


“A sex ed class is the only place where an awkward boner can actually be a teachable moment.”

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“A man’s comfort with his masculinity is directly proportional to his willingness to wear a speedo.”

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“People can only be so honest when they’re in the presence of someone they want to fuck.”

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“A single blowjob is more welcoming than a million handshakes.”

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“When you think about it, one of the most risky kinks is being a prostitute with a cop fetish.”

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“Even the greatest romances require that two people be really horny at some point.”

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“Your closest friends are the ones who know how many sex toys you own.”

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Whether you take Easter seriously or just use it as an excuse to cook ham for dinner, I hope you enjoy this most quirky of holidays. It may not involve elaborate decorations or a week off from school, but it’s a good excuse to get together with family, enjoy warmer weather, and eat candy. In the crazy world we live in, we can never have too many of those.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Spring Break Edition

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There was a time when the idea of spring break was genuinely exciting. As a kid, it’s a week off school that doesn’t involve holiday shopping or visiting relatives. As a college student, it took on a more mature, far sexier undertone. Spring break is to college students what Mardi Gras is to any woman who needs an excuse to flash her tits. It’s a unique party with plenty of sexy potential.

As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can fully appreciate that spirit, even though I’m not in college anymore. Even when I was, I didn’t get a chance to fly down to Cancun or hit up Daytona Beach for some badly-needed festivities. I was content to just sleep in for a few days and hang out with friends who didn’t mind that I enjoy sleeping naked.

More than anything else, spring break was a sign that the days of shoveling snow were over and summer vacations were in sight. Even after you’re done with school, the idea that warmer weather, crowded beaches, and skimpy bikinis are right around the corner is a great feeling. That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the spirit of spring break and all the sexy undertones it stands for. Enjoy!


“When you think about it, foreplay is like a safety drill to ensure that participants are prepared.”

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“The fact that a woman who gives birth once still wants to have sex again is a testament to the female libido.”

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“There’s no wrong way to incorporate chocolate and massage oil into sex.”

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“When you think about it, a three-way is the movie equivalent of a crossover event.”

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“Very few adult toys could be used as kids toys, but a disturbing number of kids toys can still be used as adult toys.”

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“One could argue that the closing the orgasm gap is more important than closing the wage gap and men might be more eager to help in that effort.”

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“A one night stand is like putting on a cheap pair of socks, but making love to your lover is like putting on your favorite pair of jeans.”

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I hope this gets everybody in the spring break spirit, even if you’re not in school, aren’t on a break, and still have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. We all miss the regular vacations we got in school. That doesn’t mean we have to completely forget the sexy sentiment behind those vacations. If nothing else, it’s an excuse to put on your swim suit again after a long, cold winter.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Strong Coffee Edition

Beautiful Woman with cup of Coffee

I don’t consider myself a die-hard coffee enthusiast, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t often depend on this holiest of beans to get me through my day. In fact, there are many moments in my novels and my sexy short stories that I owe to having a good coffee buzz either early in the morning or late into a sleepless night.

There are even times a simple cup of coffee just isn’t enough. Every now and then, I eagerly splurge on an over-caffinated espresso or an extra-suggary frappachino. I know it’s bad for me. I know it’s way more buzz than I need. I don’t care, though. It’s a delicious way to get my ass in gear to write more sexy stories.

I know I’m not the only one who has a special love/dependence on coffee. There are probably a few people out there who are more passionate about it than I’ll ever be. Given that there are only so many hours in the day and our bodies are painfully limited when it comes to maximizing that time, coffee is a critical component to all our endeavors, sexy or otherwise.

For this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I’d like to dedicate the sexy sentiment to this wonderful elixir of modern life. Whether it’s just a small mug of black coffee or a foam-centric novelty, I gladly praise coffee and all its wondrous forms. Yes, that even includes decaf.


“A bitter ex and a horny ex aren’t always mutually exclusive.”

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“Promoting abstinence until marriage is kind of like promoting student loan debt, but hiding the interest rate.”

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“Are couples who regularly kiss with their tongues, but refuse to share a toothbrush total hypocrites?”

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“Does every wedding anniversary also double as a celebration for avoiding divorce?”

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“You can learn more about a man from his bachelor party than his honeymoon.”

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“Only getting a goodbye hug from a date is like only getting nominated for an Oscar.”

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“If falling in love is the ultimate drug, then it’s one of the few that can and should be taken with alcohol.”

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While I doubt this will give anyone the same buzz as a well-caffinated espresso, I sincerely hope it helps everyone feel more alert. There are many ways to energize yourself in the morning. Sometimes, an overpriced latte is worth it. Other times, it’s more efficient to just channel a little sex appeal. The only difference is that one is packed with sugar and calories while the other just makes your pants a little tighter.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Super Bowl LII Edition

The wait is finally over. Today is the day. Super Bowl LII, also known as beer and buffalo wing appreciation day, has finally arrived. It’s the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles. If you’re a football fan, you don’t need much to get excited about today.

I’m not going to lie. Neither team playing is my favorite team. In fact, I actively rooted against these teams at multiple points during the regular season and the playoffs. It’s not just because I didn’t pick either team to make it this far. I have my own team loyalties that I take almost as seriously as my sexy stories. This Super Bowl doesn’t change that.

Never-the-less, I’m still a big football fan. I love watching football and I love watching big games with high stakes. You can’t get much bigger than the Super Bowl. Between the stakes, the commercials, and the halftime show, it’s a wonderful spectacle that I enjoy every year. Plus, I can never have too many excuses to drink beer and eat buffalo wings.

Whether you’re a Patriots fan, an Eagles fan, or despise both teams, the Super Bowl is the alpha and omega of all things football. I intend to enjoy it. I also have some Sexy Sunday Thoughts that I hope will make the wait easier between now and the opening kickoff.



“Exercises that mimic humping send mixed signals, but health benefits go beyond muscle tone.”


“The fact that celibacy is treated as a virtue while anorexia is treated as a disease highlights the breadth of our sexual hang-ups.”


“Does the pain of childbirth and the pleasure of orgasms require that all women be masochistic on some levels?”


“It’s physically impossible to tell a tragic story that ends in two people giving each other oral sex.”


“Too many sitcoms give the impression that our neighbors are hot, single, and eager to bone.”


“Afterglow is the sexual equivalent of a post-credits scene for a movie in that it can preview a sequel or add something extra to the experience.”


“If sex is like chocolate, then foreplay is like the hot melted fudge.”


I hope this gets everyone excited for the big game, among other things. Regardless of who wins, the Super Bowl is a major cultural event. Even if you just watch it for the commercials , it’s an event worth appreciating. It’s the culmination of America’s favorite sport. Let’s enjoy it for what it is and spend every other day of the year angrily envying Tom Brady.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Leftover Candy Edition

Has everyone recovered from their sugar rush yet? Has everyone seen enough kids in Wonder Woman costumes for one lifetime? That last one is a trick question. You can never see too many kids wearing a Wonder Woman costume. It’s just one of those inherently wonderful things that makes the world a better place.

Halloween has come and gone once more. That means most malls and shopping centers are putting up their Christmas decorations as I type these words. I’m totally okay with that. I’ve gotten in the habit of putting my decorations up obscenely early as well. If the malls can get away with it, why can’t I?

As we’re all contemplating and/or fuming about the prospect of seeing Christmas decorations while we’re still picking candy wrappers out of our couch cushions, let’s take one last moment to reflect on the sexy fun we had on Halloween. We got costumes, candy, and beautiful women wearing sexy costumes. In terms of holidays, we all win.

So as you’re cleaning up the zombie puke, take this time to enjoy your leftover candy while I share my latest round of Sexy Sunday Thoughts. It won’t the sugar less healthier, but thinking sexy thoughts while eating candy is one of those underrated feelings that we can all enjoy.


“The consummation of a marriage is just a fancy term for church-sanctioned sex.”


“In order for a prostitute to be good at their job, they have to work hard. However, working hard also means playing hard so does that make the job itself a paradox?”


“Is it possible that the size of cucumbers is a by-product of horny women and/or gay men who were really into gardening?”


“Masturbation is a skill that rarely needs to be taught, but still needs to be honed for maximum benefit.”


“A person’s stubbornness is inversely proportional to how many sex positions they’re willing to try.”


“Delaying an orgasm comes closest to matching the frustration that comes with traffic jams.”


“Too much speed can destroy lives on the highway and ruin the mood in the bedroom.”


For those of you who still have spare candy out there, make sure it doesn’t go to waste. There just some things you don’t throw away, like money, food, and free blowjobs. I would put leftover candy on that list as well. Scary movies and vampire costumes have their place, but candy is delicious on every day.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Raking Leaves Edition

I tend to have mixed feelings about fall. On one hand, I love sexy Halloween costumes and pumpkin spice lattes. On the other, I hate having to dress in layers and not being able lounge around naked. Until I can sell enough sexy novels to retire in a tropical climate, my feelings will likely remain mixed.

One other thing that adds to that mixed sentiment is the prospect of raking leaves. I happen to live in a part of the country that has beautiful fall foliage, but requires a lot of messy yard maintenance. In fact, I’m convinced that part of the reason anyone has kids in this part of the country is to help them do dishes and rake leaves.

I remember many exhausting weekends in my youth, toiling in my yard and raking bags upon bags of leaves. There was just no end to it. Other than scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, I can’t think of a more frustrating chore.

So to those who despise raking leaves as much as I do, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those who share in the soreness. Every chore is agonizing, to some extent. Some are just more agonizing than others. It’s those laborious moments when we need some sexy sentiments the most.


“Every great hero often begins their pursuit of greatness with an elaborate effort to get laid.”


“No relationship can hope to survive when two people cannot agree on the settings for the thermostat.”


“The prevalence of both circumcision and the human race is proof that even unwilling mutilation is not enough to stop legions of horny men.”


“The best hope any man has at getting a blowjob from a millennial woman is to make their semen taste like a latte.”


“Casual sex is like a Hot Pocket. Making love is like caviar. Angry make-up sex is like leftover pizza. All are delicious in their own special way.”


“Thanks to the invention of smartphones, there are probably more images of genitalia circulating today than there has ever been at any point in human history.”


“Wit and charm are just coy descriptions of a man who avoids saying things that immediately kill a woman’s sex drive.”


I hope these sexy sentiments make your back less sore when clearing your yard. Maybe one day I’ll make enough money from my sexy novels to pay people and/or robots to rake my leaves for me. Until that day comes, I’ll just use it as an excuse to work up a good sweat, feel extra sexy, and channel that into my next novel. In the end, everyone wins.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Pumpkin Spice Edition

I have a confession to make. I worry that it may make some think less of me and for a man who often talks about sex robots and sleeping naked, that’s saying something. However, for the sake of entertaining my readers and being wholly transparent, I’ll make it anyways.

I love pumpkin spice lattes.

There, I said it. The secret is out. I, Jack Fisher, love pumpkin spice and all the seasonal delights that comes with it. Call it a quirk. Call it shameless adherence to marketing trends. I don’t care. I know it has become cool in recent years to make fun of them, but that doesn’t make them any less delicious.

It’s the middle of October. There are a lot of pumpkin-themed gimmicks going around. Sure, some of it is bland marketing, but why is that a bad thing? If it looks festive, smells good, and tastes good, why not enjoy it? I certainly do. As I write this, I have a pumpkin spice latte right in front of me and I will not apologize for it.

Whether you love them or hate them, pumpkin spice is here to help us usher in the fall. It’ll likely remain until we’re too bloated from Thanksgiving dinner to care. Until that time, though, I’ll be enjoying them as much as I can. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to all things pumpkin spice. I hope it’s equally delicious.


“The sexually repressed who love to slut shame others are the radical vegans of sex.”


“A man who goes shopping with his wife to buy something other than sexy lingerie isn’t whipped. He’s in love.”


“If women graded men’s performance during sex, then a lot more would be inclined to study in anticipation of exams and pop quizzes.”


“Celibacy isn’t the same as anorexia in that it won’t kill you, but you’ll be less inclined to care that you’re dying.”


“Sex within a successful marriage is like re-watching your favorite movie. Sex within an unsuccessful marriage is like only eating leftovers.”


“The extent of someone’s horniness is directly proportional to their willingness to use their tongue.”


“When you think about it, doing something with your lover that kills the mood is the same as doing something with your computer that causes the screen to freeze.”


While I don’t doubt I’ll keep getting crap for my love of all things pumpkin spice, I still intend to enjoy it as much as I can. Like Christmas turkey, 4th of July barbecue, or bikinis in summer, it’s a seasonal treat worth appreciating. Like finding a wad of cash in your jacket or getting an extra lap dance, who doesn’t enjoy a rare treat?

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