Tag Archives: dirty jokes

March 4, 2018 · 8:13 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Strong Coffee Edition

Beautiful Woman with cup of Coffee

I don’t consider myself a die-hard coffee enthusiast, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t often depend on this holiest of beans to get me through my day. In fact, there are many moments in my novels and my sexy short stories that I owe to having a good coffee buzz either early in the morning or late into a sleepless night.

There are even times a simple cup of coffee just isn’t enough. Every now and then, I eagerly splurge on an over-caffinated espresso or an extra-suggary frappachino. I know it’s bad for me. I know it’s way more buzz than I need. I don’t care, though. It’s a delicious way to get my ass in gear to write more sexy stories.

I know I’m not the only one who has a special love/dependence on coffee. There are probably a few people out there who are more passionate about it than I’ll ever be. Given that there are only so many hours in the day and our bodies are painfully limited when it comes to maximizing that time, coffee is a critical component to all our endeavors, sexy or otherwise.

For this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts, I’d like to dedicate the sexy sentiment to this wonderful elixir of modern life. Whether it’s just a small mug of black coffee or a foam-centric novelty, I gladly praise coffee and all its wondrous forms. Yes, that even includes decaf.

“A bitter ex and a horny ex aren’t always mutually exclusive.”

Related image

“Promoting abstinence until marriage is kind of like promoting student loan debt, but hiding the interest rate.”

Image result for student loan debt

“Are couples who regularly kiss with their tongues, but refuse to share a toothbrush total hypocrites?”

Image result for couple brushing teeth together

“Does every wedding anniversary also double as a celebration for avoiding divorce?”

Image result for wedding anniversary

“You can learn more about a man from his bachelor party than his honeymoon.”

Image result for men at bachelor party

“Only getting a goodbye hug from a date is like only getting nominated for an Oscar.”

Image result for Oscar nomination

“If falling in love is the ultimate drug, then it’s one of the few that can and should be taken with alcohol.”

Image result for couple drinking alcohol

While I doubt this will give anyone the same buzz as a well-caffinated espresso, I sincerely hope it helps everyone feel more alert. There are many ways to energize yourself in the morning. Sometimes, an overpriced latte is worth it. Other times, it’s more efficient to just channel a little sex appeal. The only difference is that one is packed with sugar and calories while the other just makes your pants a little tighter.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

February 25, 2018 · 8:14 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Slushy Roads Edition

800

There are people who love winter snow. I used to be one of them and I don’t deny there’s an inherent beauty in seeing a winter wonderland unfold outside your door, preferably from a heated room with a warm cup of cocoa. Even though I still plan to retire to a tropical climate after I sell enough sexy novels, I still appreciate winter scenery and fully understand those who love it.

However, I’ve yet to meet someone who sees any beauty in the slushy mess that covers the streets when the snow stops being pretty and the rain starts mixing with the ice. There isn’t much beauty or sex appeal to that stuff. Even I’m reluctant to try and craft something from it and I wrote a sexy short story about being snowed in.

Slush and wet roads aren’t very sexy, especially when warmer weather and the prospect of not having to wear layers outside is so close. There’s only so much an aspiring erotica/romance writer can do to inject sex appeal into a situation, but I’m still going to try.

That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to shared misery we all feel when we see more slush than winter wonderland. We’re not quite through winter yet, but it’s going to get drearier before it gets sexier. It’s always worth the wait, though, and these sexy thoughts should help make it more bearable.

“When you think about it, a slap on the ass is an impromptu test of the durability of your humping muscles.”

Image result for slap on the butt

“The noises people make during sex says a lot about their enthusiasm and experience, as well as the lack thereof.”

Image result for woman orgasm

“Virgin women are the physical embodiment of a new car smell while virgin men are the embodiment of a failed TV pilot.”

Image result for loser virgin man

“Texting during sex is like juggling during heart surgery. It’s a significant detriment to the process.”

Image result for texting during sex

“A morning blowjob from your lover is like a fresh cup of coffee, but a quickie in the shower is like an overpriced latte with extra foam.”

Related image

“Does the fact we make so many divine references during orgasm mean sex counts as a form of praying?”

Image result for sexy nun

“The inherent health benefits of orgasms make sex the nutritional equivalent of free vitamins.”

Image result for female orgasm

These sexy musings won’t wash away the slush or make the winter end any sooner, but I hope it makes the prospect of spring and summer that much more enticing. Slush is ugly. Pouring rain that doesn’t involve a wet T-shirt contest in Cancun is miserable. The most we can do is let nature take its course and find a way to be sexy along the way.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

February 18, 2018 · 8:13 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Valentine’s Day Recovery Edition

valentine2527s2bday2b780

By now, I hope everyone has had enough time to recover from Valentine’s Day. Whether it’s from reminders of how much being lonely sucks or serious rug burns from excessive lovemaking, I hope everyone has healed up. If Hallmark wants more of our money, they’ll just have to wait until Mother’s Day.

I like to think I’ve gotten better at handling Valentine’s Day alone. Thanks largely to the loving support of my friends and family, especially my awesome mother, I don’t get as miserable or depressed as I used to. Don’t get me wrong. I still want to find love one day. Until that day comes, though, I’m content knowing that I can handle being single.

In the meantime, there are still plenty of other meaningful ways to celebrate love. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I certainly intend to do my part. I’ve got plenty of sexy stories to tell, both with the upcoming release of “Rescued Hearts” and my sexy short stories.

That said, I totally understand if certain people are just plain burned out on love and romance right now. To those people, I say take all the time you need. Let this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts get you back into a less Hallmark-driven mindset. Enjoy!

“There’s no polite way to ask a friend for money for the same reason there’s no polite way to ask a lover for anal.”

“A lover’s willingness to be intimate with their partner is directly proportional to their willingness to mix their laundry.”

“Sometimes using a vibrator during sex is akin to using cheat code. Other times, it’s more like having extra tools to make the job easier.”

“Pulling a muscle during sex is like getting a flat tire. You can still move forward, but you’re risking more damage by doing so.”

“A person who invents a better smartphone will never create as much joy as someone who invents better lube.”

“When you think about it, an orgy is just the sexual equivalent of binge-watching.”

“For some people, talking dirty during sex is the difference between a T-bone steak and an under-cooked hot dog.”

For those of us who are still single, take comfort. You’ve survived another Valentine’s Day. For those who are in relationships, take comfort as well. You also survived another Valentine’s Day. It can be an arduous effort for both, but it’s one that’s worth enduring. We all need to make time for love. If that means enriching executives at Hallmark once a year, so be it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

February 11, 2018 · 8:13 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Tropical Longing Edition

gopro-maldives-tropical-paradise

It’s early February and in addition to me lamenting another Valentine’s Day spent alone, this is also the time of year when I sincerely wish I lived in a more tropical climate. I actually have a few friends and relatives who live in Florida and never have to wear more than a light sweatshirt when they go outside. They just love rubbing that in my face every chance they get.

While that sort of sentiment is annoying, it still inspires me to long for warmer, sexier climate. It also inspires me to start planning my vacations for the spring and summer. I made a big deal out of the wonderful time I had at the beach last year. I intend to risk more sun burn and do it again.

Unfortunately, I still have to make it through a few more weeks of winter. If the forecast from this year’s Groundhog Day is any indication, then it’s going to be a longer wait than usual. That’s just going to give my friends and relatives more reasons to rub their tropical lifestyle in my face.

I can’t do much about the weather, but I can make the wait easier. In my experience, few things warm the body and soul up better than some sexy musings. That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those longing for time in a tropical climate. Trust me, you’re not alone in this sentiment.

“Men can never compete sexually with experienced lesbians because fingers and tongues don’t get flaccid.”

“A man has no idea how much he hates his own gender until he has a hot daughter.”

“Being able to cook doesn’t inherently make a person sexier, but great sex rarely occur on an empty stomach.”

“Sharing is caring, but humping is more rewarding.”

“The dedication of a lover is directly proportional to how willing they are to be in the same room when you’re throwing up.”

“Having a toned ass is like having a powerful engine. You rarely need that kind of power, but you like to know you can use it at some point.”

“Is it possible that some sluts are just being extra thorough in vetting their options?”

These sorts of sexy sentiments may not deliver the same feeling we get when we lay on a tropical beach under the warm mid-day sun, but I hope it reminds us why those feelings are so special. I’m already done with cold weather. I still hope to spend time in a tropical setting at some point this year. I encourage everyone else to do so and enjoy all the sexy thoughts that come with it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

February 4, 2018 · 8:06 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Super Bowl LII Edition

The wait is finally over. Today is the day. Super Bowl LII, also known as beer and buffalo wing appreciation day, has finally arrived. It’s the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles. If you’re a football fan, you don’t need much to get excited about today.

I’m not going to lie. Neither team playing is my favorite team. In fact, I actively rooted against these teams at multiple points during the regular season and the playoffs. It’s not just because I didn’t pick either team to make it this far. I have my own team loyalties that I take almost as seriously as my sexy stories. This Super Bowl doesn’t change that.

Never-the-less, I’m still a big football fan. I love watching football and I love watching big games with high stakes. You can’t get much bigger than the Super Bowl. Between the stakes, the commercials, and the halftime show, it’s a wonderful spectacle that I enjoy every year. Plus, I can never have too many excuses to drink beer and eat buffalo wings.

Whether you’re a Patriots fan, an Eagles fan, or despise both teams, the Super Bowl is the alpha and omega of all things football. I intend to enjoy it. I also have some Sexy Sunday Thoughts that I hope will make the wait easier between now and the opening kickoff.


“Exercises that mimic humping send mixed signals, but health benefits go beyond muscle tone.”

“The fact that celibacy is treated as a virtue while anorexia is treated as a disease highlights the breadth of our sexual hang-ups.”

“Does the pain of childbirth and the pleasure of orgasms require that all women be masochistic on some levels?”

“It’s physically impossible to tell a tragic story that ends in two people giving each other oral sex.”

“Too many sitcoms give the impression that our neighbors are hot, single, and eager to bone.”

“Afterglow is the sexual equivalent of a post-credits scene for a movie in that it can preview a sequel or add something extra to the experience.”

“If sex is like chocolate, then foreplay is like the hot melted fudge.”

I hope this gets everyone excited for the big game, among other things. Regardless of who wins, the Super Bowl is a major cultural event. Even if you just watch it for the commercials , it’s an event worth appreciating. It’s the culmination of America’s favorite sport. Let’s enjoy it for what it is and spend every other day of the year angrily envying Tom Brady.

1 Comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

January 28, 2018 · 8:07 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Steamy Hot Shower Edition

wallhaven-84800

I don’t know why, but a hot shower in the middle of winter is uniquely satisfying. Actually, I take that back. I know exactly why it’s so satisfying, but it’s one of those things that makes too much sense to scrutinize. I know the human race can’t agree on much, but I think we all appreciate that special feeling that comes with taking a hot, steamy shower on a bitter-cold day.

I’m usually pretty quick and efficient with my showers. As much as I enjoy being naked, I’m not one of those guys who lingers in a shower longer than he has to. It’s not just because I prefer to save money on my water bill. I’m just a guy who likes to get clean, get sexy, and then get to work. I’ve got sexy stories to write and sexy thoughts to share, damn it.

During this time of year, though, when it’s colder than a penguin’s ass, I let myself linger. Few things are more relaxing than walking in from the bitter cold, stripping off all the layers I’ve had on for most of the day, and stepping into a steaming hot shower. It’s one of the most satisfying things I can do for my body that doesn’t involve a naked woman.

I’m sure others share my sentiment on the joys of hot, steamy showers in the middle of winter. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to that special feeling we all enjoy during these coldest of days. They may not be as comforting or relaxing as a nice, steamy shower, but I’ll gladly make the effort.

“A man with strong fingers and a woman with soft lips lay a solid foundation for a passionate relationship.”

“Too many men and women think about their wedding night the same way rookie athletes think about their first championship.”

“The passion of great sex is directly proportional to the need to wash the bed sheets the next morning.”

“Men who have orgasms during foreplay are premature, but women who have them are just enthusiastic.”

“Having sex while drunk is like cooking while blindfolded. You can still do it, but the results can be messy.”

“A boring sex life is like eating fries without ketchup. You can still stomach it, but it’s not nearly as appetizing.”

“A quickie is the sexual equivalent of a hot pocket in that it’s basic, but still gets the job done.”

I hope that makes everyone’s next hot shower that much more enjoyable. There are many ways to endure the cold weather this time of year. Some are sexier than others. Since not everybody has a lover who can help them realize some of those ways, I say a nice, hot shower is something we can all appreciate.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

January 21, 2018 · 8:07 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Icy Roads Edition

As I write this, a good chunk of the country is dealing with yet another snowstorm and/or the kind of bitter cold that kills the mood, even ardent romantics like myself. Believe me, as someone who savors the ability to sleep naked, when I say that I’m not at all a fan of these conditions. That’s why I still plan to retire to a tropical climate as soon as I sell enough sexy novels.

There are many frustrations that come with winter weather. Where I live, a good chunk of those frustrations manifest in the traffic conditions around my area. I know there are some parts of the country that are very familiar and very adept at dealing with those condition. I don’t live in those parts so that means just driving to the grocery store ensures many middle fingers will get some extra use.

For the next several weeks, at least, I’ll be smelling rock salt wherever I go and watching cars skid haplessly along the road. It’s not going to be a pleasant experience, but I’ve endured far worse before. In the end, it only makes that special moment when I can comfortably sleep naked again that much more magical.

Until that time comes, the best I can do is maintain some semblance of a sexy mood while this lousy weather passes. Whether you’re stuck at home or stuck enduring winter traffic, this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts is for you. Hope it helps keep you warm, among other things.

“Undersized briefs are the closest men will ever come to knowing the discomfort women experience in wearing heels.”

“If you found yourself unable to perform in the bedroom last night, you can make up for it by cooking a damn good breakfast in the morning.”

“A man can’t know just how the extent of his hand/eye coordination until he attempts to shave his balls.”

“The fact that many drugs are compared to orgasms says a lot more about orgasms than drugs.”

“When you think about it, a strip club is basically eBay for various sexual experiences.”

“A broken condom is one of the few disasters that leads to the creation of life rather than the loss of it.”

“The true measure of a man’s integrity is measured by his willingness to pay for porn.”

If you’re snowed in, have a messy commute, or constantly scraping ice off your car, I hope this helps. If you’re already sick of rock salt ruining your shoes, I hope this helps too. If you’re lucky enough to live in a tropical climate during this time of year, I just envy you. Winter and lousy weather comes and goes. Sexy thoughts, however, have a much more memorable impact.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

December 17, 2017 · 7:33 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Spiked Eggnog Edition

I love the holidays. I love everything about them. I always have, from my playful childhood to my awkward teenage years to my sexier adult years. From the presents to the decorations to the constant debate over whether “Die Hard” qualifies as a Christmas movie, there’s so much about the holidays to love.

One aspect of the holidays that didn’t really appeal to me until later in life involved eggnog. Honestly, I thought the stuff looked disgusting, as a kid. Then again, I also thought coffee looked disgusting and now my coffee maker is basically my morning shrine. In that sense, I’m not too surprised that I developed a taste for it, especially after I found out you could spike it with whiskey.

It’s especially tasty after that first blast of winter weather, which came earlier than I expected/hoped this year. As I write this, it’s colder than Ann Coulter’s soul outside. For someone who enjoys sleeping naked, that’s kind of a problem and eggnog spiked with a little whiskey goes a long way towards keeping me warm.

Sure, it does other things too and yes, those things are also enjoyable in their own right. They’re just that much more enjoyable when it doubles as a practical method of staying warm. I know eggnog, especially the spiked variety, isn’t for everyone. For those who see it as a legitimate way of staying warm during the holidays, this week’s edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” is for you.

“It’s both ironic and fitting that men learn often learn the hardest lessons because of or in spite of erections.” 

“Most children weren’t effected by cartoon violence growing up, but those that were should probably stay away from porn.”

“When you think about it, exercise is an investment and more sex is the dividend payment.” 

“Eating and masturbating don’t need to be taught, but like table manners, a little etiquette makes a difference.”

“Having multiple techniques in foreplay is like having a good vocabulary. It’ll help you navigate certain situations in a more productive manner.”

“The fact that an average-looking woman can get sex easier than a moderately attractive man is a testament to the horniness disparity between genders.”

“A lack of options in sex can inspire/require a more robust imagination.”

I hope this helps keep everyone a little warmer and makes the alcohol-laced eggnog taste a little sweeter. There are certain seasonal drinks that are special because we save them for one particular part of the year. When it’s freezing cold outside and you want to curl up with a sexy novel under your Christmas tree, a stiff drink and a light buzz goes a long way to keeping you warm, among other things.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

December 10, 2017 · 8:40 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Gift Wrapping Edition

This may make me a bit of an anomaly among straight men, but I love shopping, especially around the holidays. In fact, it’s one of my favorite parts of the holidays. It’s right up there with whiskey-laced eggnog and beautiful women dressed in sexy elf costumes.

I don’t care if that makes me weird. Compared to other traits that have made me stand out, this one doesn’t bother me in the slightest. If anything, I celebrate my love of shopping around the holidays. I’m the kind of guy who proudly wears his ugliest Christmas sweater to the mall and smiles at anyone who looks at me strangely. My holiday spirit is just that strong.

It’s because of that holiday spirit that I’m often the first among my friends and family to finish his Christmas shopping. Most of the time, I’m done before the first day of December. This year is no exception. As I type this, I’m proud to say that I’m officially done and all my presents are wrapped. If that makes me even weirder in the eyes of the world, so be it.

I make no apologies for my love of the holidays and my fondness for getting my Christmas shopping done early. That’s not to disparage those who procrastinate, buying and wrapping their gifts on Christmas Eve. This is just how I’m wired during the holidays.

Regardless of how you go about shopping or gift wrapping, this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts is dedicated to that spirit that drives us to shop in the name of the holidays. Whether you love it or enjoy dry humping Ebeneezer Scrooge, I hope this boosts that spirit in some meaningful way.

“Historically speaking, oral sex is the only universally accepted currency.” 

“The fact that men can sense on a biological level when a woman is menstruating is inherently more impressive than women noticing a man’s awkward boner.”

“Sex is supposed to bring a couple closer together, marriage is supposed to make it legally binding, and divorce is the penalty for not reading the fine print.”

“When you think about it, a multi-orgasmic woman is the perfect embodiment of persistence.”

“Having sex with an ex-lover is kind of like confronting an old bully, but with more rug burns.”

“Making love and rough sex aren’t mutually exclusive, but one is an inherently greater risk to bedroom furniture.”

“Boner pills and lube are like cheat codes in that they will cause the game to crash when utilized to excess.”

To those who will likely wait until the last moment to finish your Christmas shopping and wrap your presents, I hope this encourages you to be a bit more proactive for the holidays this year, among other things. To those like me who have already finished and are just enjoying the glut of Christmas specials on TV, I hope this makes the eggnog taste that much sweeter.

2 Comments

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

October 29, 2017 · 7:08 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Halloween 2017 Edition

There are certain holidays that will always be underrated. Say what you will about Halloween, offensive costumes, or the unhealthy consequences of eating too much candy. It’s still a damn good holiday that children and adults, alike, can enjoy in their own unique way.

Honestly, my appreciation of Halloween didn’t really take hold until college when I learned that young, horny women don’t need many excuses to dress up in a slutty costume. That’s when I realized that Halloween isn’t just a kids holiday or a reason to watch slasher movies. There’s a fun, sexy spirit to it all and I say it’s worth celebrating.

I’ve praised the sex appeal of Halloween in the past. I intend to keep praising it every year, for as long as beautiful women take advantage of the opportunity to dress sexy and enjoy the fun. Society gives us precious few opportunities to enjoy our sexy side in a way that won’t get us arrested or shamed. Let’s use them while we can.

Halloween is just a few days away so work up an appetite for both candy and sex appeal. Hopefully, this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts can get you in the Halloween spirit.

“Nobody can truly call themselves a genius until they’ve convinced their lover that giving oral sex has health benefits.”

“Those who oppose contraception for subverting the natural breeding process must REALLY hate World of Warcraft for doing the same thing.”

“Are men who lie about the size of their dicks any more dishonest than women who wear push-up bras?”

“Learning about sex from a celibate priest is like learning about computers from the Amish.”

“Talk is cheap, but the value of dirty talk during sex is exceedingly under-valued.”

“A gigolo who doesn’t have sex with clients is basically a butler.”

“Most people hate micromanaging, but tend to make exceptions when it comes to orgasms.”

I hope this inspires everyone to get out there, put on the sexiest costume you can legally wear, and celebrate Halloween in your own special way. Dine on buckets of candy. Drink bottles of pumpkin-flavored alcohol. Take advantage of the fact that for one night, we can get away with dressing in ridiculously sexy outfits and ask strangers for candy. In terms of holidays, you really can’t lose.

1 Comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,