Behind The Passion: What Inspired “Passion Relapse”

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Now that “Passion Relapse,” my first published erotica/romance novel by Totally Entwined Group, has been released, I can finally take a deep breath and reflect for a moment. I admit I’m still somewhat giddy. It’s my first release from a publisher. Like losing your virginity on your prom night, it’s an intense experience for all the right reasons.

I still intend to savor this moment and promote the hell out of my book. So if in my future posts, I keep sneaking in a mention of “Passion Relapse” and why you should buy it, you’ll know why. I’m not trying to get overly subliminal on my audience, but I do want this book to sell. I also want to grow my brand as an erotica/romance writer.

As part of that process, I thought I’d take some time to talk about gritty, sexy details of “Passion Relapse” and what inspired it. Like all novels, there was some inspiration behind this sexy story. It’s not just about two people coming together and sharing some sexy time. There are some serious themes that help heighten the passion. It’s a kind of passion you won’t find on any late-night Cinemax movie.

The first spark of inspiration for this novel came from discussions about sexual addiction. It’s actually a controversial topic and one that’s lacking in major substance. There’s even controversy over whether sexual addiction is really a thing because it doesn’t share some key qualities with other forms of addiction.

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Regardless of how real it is, I was more interested in the mentality of those who really felt addicted to sex. I do believe that addiction is more complex than anything Nancy Regan ever claimed. I believe it is possible for our faulty human brains to become wired in a way to that leaves people hopelessly addicted to this basic biological act.

What exactly goes through the minds of someone who’s addicted to sex? How do they see themselves and their addiction? What happens when that addiction becomes too much for them? That’s what I explore through the two main characters in “Passion Relapse,” Mary Williams and Peter Rogers.

Both of these characters struggle with sex addiction, but not in the comical way that bad porno movies joke about in between scenes. Their addictions really have ruined their lives and undermined their ability to function. They enter this story so broken, so devastated, and so utterly lost that finding love is the last thing on their mind.

That leads to the second major inspiration of “Passion Relapse,” which is somewhat related to the first. To highlight this, here’s a quick question that should put it into context.

Think back to your youth. Think of someone who had everything that others aspired to be. They were beautiful, charismatic, outgoing, loving, and affectionate. Everyone wanted to be around them. Everybody wanted to know them. They always had a lover. They were always the life of the party. They could enjoy every little pleasure with little effort. Getting sex for them was like getting a pizza.

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We’ve all known someone like that in our lives. I can remember a few from my youth. Now imagine that there’s a much darker undertone to that person’s charisma. Imagine there’s a problem gnawing at them internally, one they hide well, but never truly escape. It goes beyond addiction. It’s something more fundamental, something that addiction only makes worse.

Some people go their whole lives covering up this problem. Peter and Mary could’ve been one of them. In “Passion Relapse,” they were uniquely situated to basically mask every problem they ever had. They could’ve easily spent their whole lives never having to confront it.

That’s not how it plays out though. Like many addicts, Peter and Mary go through their own distinct “moment of clarity.” For them, however, the moment isn’t just difficult. It’s downright traumatic.

What happens to someone when they go through something so traumatic that it utterly breaks them. Psychological trauma is a very powerful force. It strains our brain’s ability to process our feelings, emotions, and everything in between. Add addiction to the mix and you’ve got a volatile cocktail of mental distress.

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That distress, however, can force us to become more honest with ourselves and others. It can also force us to see the world in a new way. For two people, like Mary and Peter, who once saw the world as an endless parade of pleasures, it’s sobering in the best and worst of ways.

It’s also through this distress that Mary and Peter connect. It’s not just an emotional connection either. It’s not just physical. How do two people who are struggling with addiction and mental trauma come together? What kind of passion does it take to forge such a connection? Just how powerful can that connection be?

I’ll stop teasing right there because that’s getting dangerously close to spoiler/foreplay for “Passion Relapse.” I’d much rather people actually buy it and see for themselves how these two characters come together through their pain. It’s a difficult journey, but one I do my best to make sexy as hell.

In the continued interest of promoting the hell out of my first book, I’ll leave you with a quick excerpt that should get the blood flowing in the right direction.

“As my needs became a full-blown addiction, things escalated pretty quickly,” Mary said. “To exercise my growing libido, I made it more challenging on myself. I fucked police officers, aspiring politicians, pastors and even a gym teacher who worked at a local elementary school.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” commented Peter.

“Oh, yeah? I once blew the pizza guy in exchange for extra toppings,” added Mary.

“Okay, I take it back. It does sound bad.”

Are you curious now? Want to see more? Well, head over to Totally Entwined Group or onto Amazon to buy “Passion Relapse.” Your heart, your libido, and various other parts of your body will thank you.

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It’s still sinking in. I’m still processing it. I’m a published author who just released his first published book. I know it’s only been a day, but I’m still more excited than a squirrel in a nut factory.

Already, “Passion Relapse” has one review on Amazon and it’s a respectable four stars. Since this is my first published novel, I’ll gladly take that. In addition, a sexy blog that specializes in sexy book reviews called Wicked Reads did their full assessment of my book. It too gained a respectable four stars. I hope to raise the bar with future novels, but I’ll still take it.

So thank you, Wicked Reads, for your insight. If anyone is interested, or just not convinced that my book is worth the cost of wet panties, check it out. I hope it changes your mind.

Wicked Reads: Passion Relapse

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April 19, 2017 · 5:29 pm

After The Passion: What’s Next After “Passion Relapse”

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Afterglow comes in many forms. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, there are a few specific forms I appreciate more than most. If you read “Passion Relapse,” you’ll see what I mean.

Afterglow is a damn good feeling. It’s a feeling born from knowing you accomplished something wonderful. Whether you’ve just made love to a beautiful woman for fixed a car without having to pay three grand to a mechanic, that feeling of accomplishment is a beautiful thing. Why shouldn’t we enjoy it?

I’ve certainly been enjoying the feeling of having released my first publisher-supported novel. It’s a huge step for me. Since I began writing erotica/romance novels, I’ve had to rely solely on self-publishing to get them out there. Unless you’re already an established writer, self-publishing only goes so far. Sure, it can work if you’re good at marketing. If not, you basically spitting into hurricane-force winds.

One of my primary goals since I began was to get the support of a publisher. That proved much harder than I thought. I’ve compiled a rather impressive list of rejection letters, some more demoralizing than others. Finally, Totally Entwined Group took a chance on me and now I can say I’ve actually been published. By all measures, that’s a damn good feeling.

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It’s also not the end. Getting the support of a publisher was a major goal, but it was also a step in a much larger process. I certainly don’t intend for “Passion Relapse” to be my only published novel. I also don’t intend for it to be my best. I believe I still have much better and sexier stories to tell. I also believe I can improve on my skills as a writer.

That’s the key to any skill or endeavor. You must be willing to keep improving. A skill like writing, be it erotica/romance or children’s pop-up books, isn’t something that can ever be completely mastered. It can only ever be improved. That’s not some sort of snappy Zen quote. That’s just what I’ve learned through nearly two decades of experience.

With that in mind, I want to lay out my plans for what comes next after “Passion Relapse.” At the moment, I still have several completed manuscripts that I finished while getting “Passion Relapse” to market. I hope to submit some of those manuscripts to Totally Entwined Group, but the style of some of these manuscripts will likely require some tweaking.

Beyond the stories I’ve already completed, I also just started another novel that I actually came up with while I was revising “Passion Relapse.” It’s a novel with similar themes, but a very different set of circumstances. It also involves a bit more action compared to drama. It’s not just emotional pep talks. There will be some heart-stopping moments in this story and not just those that make our pants feel too tight.

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I don’t have a name for this novel yet. The first draft isn’t even complete. However, this is a novel I intend to submit to Totally Entwined Group for review. I think if “Passion Relapse” finds an audience, then this book will do the same.

Beyond that, I have two other book ideas I want to flesh out. One involves a few sci-fi elements, some of which I’ve already discussed on this blog to some extent. The other one involves a few supernatural elements, but that idea is a bit more tentative. I do plan to write, or at least develop, these ideas in the coming months. Whether they’ll generate the same interest as “Passion Relapse” remains to be seen.

Right now, my main concern with my writing style is breadth. One thing I’ve noticed about my work is that my stories end up being a lot longer and wordier than I expect. When I saw the final word count for “Passion Relapse,” I was genuinely surprised and a little concerned. I don’t want my novels to drag. I don’t want them to get boring either. I want them to be fun, sexy, and well-developed.

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That’s something I really hope that Totally Entwined Group can help me with. I feel I’ve already made improvements compared to my other self-published novels. I want to keep improving with my next novel and others after it.

Make no mistake. I’m still going to bask in the afterglow of having gotten a novel published. Like getting laid the first time, it’s not enough to just do it once. You want more. You’re intent on seeking more. You’re willing to jump through more hoops and work harder to get more.

In that sense, I feel like I’ve matured as a writer. Now, I’d like to continue that process while telling some very sexy stories along the way. I hope that means plenty more moments of afterglow for both myself and those who read my novels.

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As I loudly proclaimed earlier today, my first published book, “Passion Relapse,” has been released and is available for purchase. If you haven’t bought it by now, then what are you doing reading this? Go check it out! Make sure you have clean panties though.

As part of my efforts to promote the book, the wonderful folks at Totally Entwined Group gave me a chance to do a blog post for their Fresh Fiction Blog. It’s basically an introduction post for me, as a newly published writer. It offers a bit of insight into who I am, how I got started writing erotica/romance, and what my hopes are for the future.

It’s nothing too fancy. Think of it as an after party of shorts to a big premier, minus the cocaine and open bar. Enjoy!

Fresh Fiction Blog: It’s All About Sex by Jack Fisher

 

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April 18, 2017 · 1:43 pm

“Passion Relapse” Is Out TODAY!

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It’s finally here! Today’s the day where the aspiring erotica/romance writer in me can finally say it. I can finally say that, after toiling all these years, trying to craft sexy stories, I got a book published. Just typing that out with a straight face makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. If I were wearing panties, I’d probably have to change them.

Last year, a small publisher called Totally Entwined Group took a chance on me and accepted my manuscript for “Passion Relapse.” After countless rejection letters, some of which were pretty damn discouraging, these wonderful folk decided to give me a shot to tell a sexy story with them. I can’t thank them enough for that chance.

Working with them has been enlightening and engaging. In working with them, I had to do multiple edits of my manuscript, including a total rewrite of the ending. I learned a lot about how to improve my style, my grammar, and the overall sex appeal of my words. It was a hell of an experience and I hope I get to have more like it.

Now, after a long and fruitful process, the big day is here. I can finally say as a writer that I’ve been published. I feel as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning. At the risk of sounding like a Disney character, I’ll just say with the utmost pride and excitement that “Passion Relapse” is now available, courtesy of Totally Entwined Group. Are you looking for sexy romance? Well look no further.

Mary Ann Scott was once an aspiring fitness model and all-around party girl. Now, she’s a sex addict whose recovery is making her miserable. Despite spending nearly a year in a treatment program, she struggles to escape the scars left by her addiction. Then, one night, she crosses paths with Peter Robert Rogers, a childhood friend turned handsome firefighter who just happens to be a recovering sex addict as well.

He comes into Mary’s life broken, distraught and vulnerable. Having experienced that feeling, too, she reaches out to him. Together, they try to help each other heal. But in doing so, Mary doesn’t just open old wounds. She evokes a wealth of pent-up desire…a desire that quickly consumes them both.

Now, she and Peter are nearing the brink of relapsing. They’re on the verge of giving in to their addiction. Will it break them once more? Or will it bring them together and finally heal their wounded souls?

Passion Relapse
(Paperback Version)

Passion Relapse
(eBook Version)

To all those who have supported me, my wonderful family and those who support this blog, I thank you. Now I don’t expect this book to be a top seller. In my view, it’s a step towards telling better and sexier stories. It was a long, arduous process to take that step. Now, I’m ready to take the next step and do it in the sexiest way possible.

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When Love (And Lust) Is Genuine

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Does she love me?

Does she love you?

Is our love real?

Is the sex good?

Is the sex really that good?

Is this love the real deal?

These are all questions I’m sure everyone has asked themselves at some point. If not, then chances are you’ll ask yourselves these questions at some point in the future. Sometimes you may not even ask them with a completely sober mind and I’m not just talking about shots of tequila.

Love, lust, and everything in between is a beautiful thing. It’s one of the most powerful experiences we can have as human beings. In fact, according to research from MIT, being in love can produce a high similar to that of cocaine. In another life, maybe Pablo Escobar could’ve been the ultimate love guru. I guess we’ll never know.

I know I say it a lot, but it’s worth saying again, especially for a topic like this. We are a very social species. The human race thrived, despite bodies that were easily crushed by hungry bears, because we could collaborate and cooperate. We worked together, shared resources, and made beautiful love that resulted in more humans. Now, we’re the most dominant species on the planet. Bears just cannot make that claim.

As beautiful as it is, sometimes the answers to those questions are tragic, if not downright heartbreaking. It does happen. Sometimes the love two people have isn’t real. Sometimes the lust they feel is fake. Sometimes the sex is only a minor step above having someone watch while you masturbate. The challenge is finding out how to answer these questions.

I bring up this topic because I recently got into an interesting discussion with some people on a comic book message board. Now in general, I try to avoid most of the discussions on message boards. I’ve found that over 95 percent of them involve fans whining about the current situation in their favorite comics and how they hate it so much, but not enough to stop talking about it.

Every now and then, though, there will be a more meaningful conversation. I really enjoy being part of that conversation because it brings out some interesting perspectives. A lot of those perspectives can apply to real life, even in comics that involve clones, time travel, and poop jokes. Yes, I’m referring about Deadpool.

Specifically, the conversation I had involved a discussion about how genuine the love and romantic chemistry is between two particular characters. In this case, one of those characters was Spider-Man, whose romantic history is almost as vast as Wolverine’s. While I do criticize Spider-Man for being an incompetent hero, the man is still pretty good when it comes to getting laid. For that, I do respect him.

However, like a lot of comic book characters and real people, his love life is subject to a lot of variations. There are times when his emotions are not entirely sincere. By that, I mean he’s with someone because they’re there. That’s it. Then, there are times when he really does love someone, enough to marry them and make a deal with a devil with them. Like I said, there’s a lot of range with Spider-Man.

Sometimes it’s hard to make sense of these situations. Within the discussion I had, there were all sorts of conflicting opinions about just how sincere Spider-Man was and how much potential the relationship actually had. For every one person in the discussion, there were at least five different opinions, including my own.

Comic book fans are notoriously stubborn for how their characters are portrayed, but when it comes to our love lives, the stakes are a bit higher. In the discussion, I noticed a few common themes that set genuine love apart from the kind of love that end with Spider-Man getting his ass kicked by the Green Goblin.

One of those elements is luck. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s an unavoidable function of life. Sometimes you’re in the right situation at the right time to take advantage of something, be it love or a winning lotto ticket. You can’t always control it, but it happens.

With respect to genuine love, though, luck plays a very specific role. If a relationship relies on luck to work, then that relationship is basically a reverse lottery. Over time, the odds just aren’t in anyone’s favor. The Law of Averages is both a harsh mistress and an outright sadomasochist. Spider-Man finds that out on a regular basis with how badly his relationships turn out, often due to forces he can’t control.

In addition to luck, there’s also the chemistry aspect. This is much sexier and much more romantic than luck. There’s no question about that. It’s also one of the hardest component to really nail down.

We all understand what romantic and sexual chemistry is to some extent. If two people are drawn together and struggle to keep their clothes on around each other, that’s a sign of pretty potent chemistry. Like real chemistry, though, some mixtures are more potent than others. Some are downright volatile.

If the chemistry is restricted to lust, then that’ll make for some hot sex. However, it won’t make for much else. Now I’ve got nothing against hot sex. It’s a wonderful part of being human. It can just be shallow and crude though. It can be a key ingredient for sexual chemistry, but it can’t be the only ingredient.

Add love to the mix and that’s where the potency shows. Genuine love complements one another. Genuine love involves two people cooperating, sacrificing, and sharing on a level that you just don’t do with a total stranger. Genuine love is usually equal for the most part. It’s rarer than hot sex, but beautiful. It even shows up in an X-men comic every now and then.

Lastly, one key element in genuine love involves reasons and excuses. I know this isn’t very sexy either, but it’s a necessary practical element of love. It can be either the glue or the napalm that binds/destroys a relationship.

Specifically, it deals with the how and why two people are involved in the first place. If they’re in an arranged marriage, which still happens a lot these days, then that’s a fairly unambiguous reason. If they’re together because they just don’t want to be alone, then that’s not much of a reason. That’s more of an excuse.

Sometimes Spider-Man is just with someone because they’re part of his life. They happen to cross paths with him both in and out of the mask. That’s often the case with characters like the Black Cat, whose about as genuine as a very hungry, very horny wolf. It rarely makes for a very genuine connection.

Sometimes two people start out as friends and the connection deepens. This often happens in a lot of teen movies and sitcoms, but it happens in real life too so it’s not entirely flawed like most movie tropes. That can sometimes be a solid foundation for genuine love.

There are also cases where two people are together purely for pragmatic reasons. A beautiful woman is with a man because he’s rich. A man is with a beautiful woman because she’s sexy. Sometimes people are just friends with benefits. That does happen and can work, despite what an Ashton Kutcher movie may claim.

That doesn’t mean pragmatism is necessarily genuine though. If two people are together because not being together would be too much work or too inconvenient, that’s not genuine. That’s just plain lazy. If two people are together because one has a great deal of leverage over the other, then that’s not genuine either. That’s exploitation.

Overall, there are a lot of components that go into a genuine romance and, without spoiling too much of the discussion I had, Spider-Man sucks at it. Characters like Superman, Wonder Woman, and even Starfire, to some extent, have a much better track record.

In the real world and throughout history, you’ll find plenty of examples of genuine love. They don’t always make for great stories or good erotica/romance, but that doesn’t make them any less genuine. In the end, genuine love combined with genuine lust makes for the best and sexiest connections. Not everyone can find it, but that’s what makes it so precious.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Easter Edition

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Happy Easter, everybody! I hope everyone spends the day gorging on scrambled eggs, chocolate covered eggs, egg-shaped candy, and ham. I know the ham kind of seems like a non-sequitur, but I’m not going to argue against a holiday that combines meat and candy.

Now like many, I don’t really understand why Easter is considered a religious holiday, yet we celebrate it with colored eggs, rabbits, and ham. Rabbits don’t even lay eggs, last I checked. They don’t even eat chocolate. It’s confusing. Again though, it still involves meat and candy so I’m not going to complain too much.

It doesn’t help that Easter has roots in pagan fertility festivals that treated spring as a sign that it’s time to start having sex like rabbits. Actually, I take that back. That does help. That actually does make Easter a bit sexier. It still doesn’t make a lot of sense, but as an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can always appreciate some added sex appeal.

Regardless of how you justify combining chocolate, rabbits, and eggs, it’s still a holiday. It’s still an excuse to get together with your family, have a good meal, and make love to your lover. Hopefully, it’s not in that exact order. Go out and enjoy it!

So in the spirit of Easter, chocolate bunnies, and pagan fertility rituals, I offer another holiday version of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. If they can aid in whatever fertility rituals you may or may not take part in, then that’s just a bonus.


“The story of Adam and Eve makes a lot more sense when you consider how many stupid things people do when they’re naked.”

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I’m no biblical scholar. I’m not a theologian either. I’m not even an expert on the decision-making processes associated with nudity and I’m a guy who loves to sleep naked. I just know that people are prone to making stupid decisions and nudity tends to facilitate those decisions.

Now I’m not saying nudity is to blame for the fall of man. I’m not even criticizing whatever deity wired humans to be the way they are. I’m just saying that when we’re naked, we’re not exactly inclined to think things through and behave responsibly. Whether we’re in the Garden of Eden or bar in New Orleans, you can usually expect stupid decisions to coincide with nudity.


“You know your fetish is extreme if doing it in front of a police station earns you more than a citation.”

 

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Being an erotica/romance writer, I’m convinced that everyone has their own level of kink. Some are more elaborate than others. Some involve handcuffs, whips, stilettos, ice cubes, and an industrial sized barrel of lube. I encourage everyone to embrace and explore their kinks as responsibly as possible.

However, if you’re worried about just how extreme your kink may be, just imagine what would happen if you did it in front of a police station. If it earns you more than a public indecency fine, then that’s a pretty clear sign.


“As soon as science perfects repairing a man’s penis, the number of exceedingly dangerous sex acts is bound to skyrocket.”

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This may happen sooner than we think. Bionic penises are already a reality. There may come a day where getting a new penis is as easy as getting a new phone. When that day comes, I believe men will be a lot more reckless with their sex lives. I pity the poor EMTs and doctors who have to treat these men and listen to the kinky stories behind their injuries. Then again, maybe some of them will make for good erotica/romance.


“Women should treat their vaginas like they treat their phones. Keep it close, keep it up-to-date, and make sure the equipment is perfectly specified for your tastes and others.”

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This is just common sense. I see the way women treat their phones these days. They’re more precious than jewelry, makeup, and their parents’ credit card. They’re so careful and coy with them, always making sure they’re updated and functioning properly.

Now imagine how much better their sex lives would be if they treated their vaginas with the same care? It’s not taboo to take care of your phone, but vaginal health is still somewhat taboo for reasons that can’t be good. So moving forward, I propose that women use the way they care for their phones as a model for how they care for their vaginas.


“Obesity tends to increase in societies where holidays involve too much food and no fertility rituals. Coincidence? I think not.”

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There are some traditions from our ancestors that are best left in the past. I don’t think it benefits society in any way to go back to ritual animal sacrifice in hopes of a bountiful harvest. However, I think some ancient ideas deserve a second look and fertility rituals should be at the top of that list.

Say what you will about our primitive ancestors, but they knew how to party when it came to celebrating fertility. When there was a holiday, they made sure they celebrated the joys of fertility and sex. These days, we just celebrate with eating a lot of food. Given the ongoing obesity epidemic and the amount of calories we burn during sex, I’d say fertility rituals could go a long way towards balancing things out.


“Tax evasion would not be as big a problem if all tax returns came with a free blowjob.”

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Nobody likes paying taxes. That’s a given. Who can blame anyone for trying to avoid it? Sure, it undermines entire countries and the very foundations of civilization, but you still can’t blame anyone for wanting to avoid it.

Rather than crack the whip, I say we start dangling a carrot. Few carrots are as juicy and universally appealing as blowjobs. Even if you’re the greediest, meanest crook this side of a Charles Dickens novel, a blowjob appeals to you. I say use that appeal to make paying taxes more rewarding. When it comes to rewards, blowjobs are a nearly universal currency.


“Timmie Jean Lindsey, the first woman to get a boob job, deserves to be way more famous than she is.”

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The name Timmie Jean Linsey probably doesn’t sound familiar to you, but every porn star and trophy wife owes her a debt of gratitude. In 1962, she agreed to take a bold leap for mankind and volunteered for the first ever boob job.

The procedure was new, untested, and potentially dangerous. It may even do serious damage to a serious part of her body. Ms. Linsey, with a bravery that puts Neil Armstrong to shame, took that chance and the world is sexier because of it. So on behalf of all men, thank you, Ms. Linsey. From our heart to our genitals, we thank you.


I hope you’re now inspired/horny to go off and celebrate Easter in your own special way. Whether it involves fertility rituals or gorging chocolate bunnies, I hope this helps. So once again, from me to you, have a safe and sexy Easter.

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Ten Ridiculously Real Excuses That People Made (In A Court Of Law)

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Whenever I talk about serious issues or concepts on this blog, I do so knowing that at some point, I have to take a break. I need to find a way to make people laugh or get them horny or both, if possible. I’m not sure how many people get horny from discussions about sex robots, but people have all sorts of kinks.

When it comes to talking about reasons and excuses, it’s hard to make anyone horny from that. I knew that as soon as I decided that I would flesh out this issue. Now I have done my best to apply the concept to sexy situations, including those in my novels. I still doubt anyone needed a change in panties after that.

So I guess I’ll settle for the next best thing, which is making people laugh. When it comes to reasons and excuses, there’s actually a treasure trove on top of a mountain of chocolate. When it comes to humor, you won’t find any shortage that comes from people making stupid excuses for the crazy stuff they do.

Now we all do stupid things and make stupid excuses. That’s just part of life. In fact, many of us first discover our creative side when we have to make excuses as to why our parents should buy us that giant bag of Skittles. Those with a creative side probably got to eat a lot of candy as a kid.

It’s one thing for kids to make excuses over candy, though. It’s quite another when actual, functioning adults make them and in a court of law no less. If ever there was a place not to make excuses, which didn’t involve a rectal examination or a tax audit, a court room is at the top of the list.

Unfortunately, that still doesn’t stop some people. For some, the stupidity impulse is just too strong. In some cases, it’s pathetic. In others, it’s hilarious. Sure, it may undermine your faith in humanity, but that doesn’t make it any less funny.

While court rooms are supposed to be serious domains where the cold, but just hand of law can peacefully resolve disputes, it can still be a source of comedy. The number of stupid things people have said and done in a courtroom is simply too voluminous for an erotica/romance writer to sift through.

Thankfully, the folks at DailyTop10s have done some sifting for me. In the following video are 10 of the most ridiculous excuses ever given in a court of law. How ridiculous does it get, you ask? One of the excuses involves Bigfoot. I wish I were joking.

 

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How To Manage Your Excuse Bank (Within Reason)

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When I did my first post on reasons versus excuses, I challenged readers to take a closer look at their actions and decisions. Why did they end up doing what they did? Was there a reason for it? Was that reason actually an excuse? Did that reason or excuse end with you getting laid, fired, or slapped in the face?

Given how many actions and decisions unfold on a day-to-day basis in the massive doughnut shop that is life, it’s hard to make sense of them all. I’m sure those without OCD or a personality disorder was quickly overwhelmed by the sheer breadth of reasons and excuses they came up with for their behaviors. Don’t worry and put down the vodka. That’s entirely normal.

We’re all human. We’re all bound to make bad decisions or bad reasons and/or lousy excuses. That’s part of life. The key is learning from those bad decisions and improving the skills that help us better our loves, help those around us, and even get us laid from time to time. Since I’m an erotica/romance writer, that last one was worth adding.

It’s also worth offering whatever help I can to others in developing those skills. Again, I need to remind everyone that I’m an aspiring erotica/romance writer. I’m not a scientist, a therapist, a psychologist, or doctor. I may write about people in those occupations getting involved in sexy situations, but I’m not at all qualified to offer the kind of substantive advice, complete with technical charts and an hourly bill.

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However, in dealing with plenty of colorful personalities throughout my life and writing various personalities in my novels, I do feel like I can at least offer some insight that can help people use my colorful ramblings in pragmatic ways. I can’t guarantee they’ll work, get you laid, or make you rich. This is just me trying to make my words both sexy and useful.

In discussing reasons versus excuses, I brought up the concept of excuse banking. It’s almost exactly what it sounds like. It’s the process of acting, believing, and learning in a way that effectively pockets an excuse to use to justify decisions later on. Since our brains are wired to decide first and then justify those decisions, excuse banking is very much a pragmatic manifestation of our collective psyche.

It’s not inherently good or bad. It can certainly get pretty darn bad, as I pointed out when I tied excessive excuse banking to political and religious extremism. Most people, though, don’t operate in extremes and if they do, it’s usually out of fear and survival, which are among the most valid reasons we can have for doing something. For the purposes of providing useful advice in excuse banking, I’d like to focus on the good.

In that spirit, I’d like to offer a quick rundown of tips and tricks for managing your excuse bank effectively. We’re all going to make excuses at some point. We’re all going to bank those excuses in some form or another. We might as well figure out how to do it in a way that improves our lives and gets us laid.


Tip #1: Maintain A Balance, But Avoid Hoarding

Like any useful bank account or credit card, it’s important to maintain a balance. You always want to have some reserves, just in case it’s an emergency and you need a valid excuse to explain why your pants are in the refrigerator. You don’t want to be stuck relying on reasons that may or may not apply. That’s just going to make you look stupid, incompetent, and decidedly unsexy.

Unlike a traditional bank account, though, you don’t want to let your excuse bank get too bloated. That’s because excuses aren’t hard assets. They’re intangible, malleable, and much easier to abuse. You may be able to use a dollar bill to snort a line of blow, but with an big enough excuse you can justify snorting blow off a stripper’s tits.

That’s why you should not hoard your excuses the same way I hoard comic books. As I noted in my post on extremism, having too many excuses that are too malleable creates all sorts of nasty temptations. Having those excuses is like having a loaded AK-47 in a traffic jam. Even if you can resist the temptation, the potential is still there and the danger of that potential can be pretty vast. Just ask any experienced traffic cop.


Tip #2: Invest With Other Peoples Whenever Possible

This part of excuse banking also highlights one of the key differences from other types of banking. In a sense, excuse banking is almost always a joint effort. It’s not enough to just have an excuse. You also need other people to believe them in order for them to be useful.

An excuse with a random stranger and an excuse with a close family member is not going to have the same value. At the same time, an excuse you bank on your own isn’t going to be as valuable as one you bank with other people. Human beings are very social creatures. When you forge close social bonds, be they with family or lovers, your excuses carry more weight and so do those of others.

In a sense, it’s a win-win investment. By banking excuses within a social group, you develop a sense of trust and understanding. That makes deposits and withdraws from your bank easier and less likely to blow up in your face. Just watch any Ben Stiller movie to see why that’s so important.


Tip #3: Know Which Investments Grow And Which Are Toxic

It’s true. Excuse banking sometimes deals in toxic assets. I’m not just talking about bad mortgages or too much stock in Enron either. When your excuse bank has toxic assets in it, you’re in big trouble.

A toxic asset in an excuse bank is often one we don’t realize is toxic. Sometimes, we even refuse to realize it. That’s what often happens with dictators, religious zealots, and child actors. Their excuse bank is so full of toxic assets that they don’t know how bad their excuses are and if someone tries to tell them, they don’t listen. That often leads to the kind of tragic self-destruction that becomes an A&E documentary.

That’s why it’s so important to identify these toxic assets before they poison you. Those assets will undermine your ability to work with others and gain their trust, two things everybody needs to survive in a functioning society. So how do you know if an asset is really toxic? Just follow these simple steps:

  • Step One: Ask yourself, “Would this excuse allow me to punch someone in the face and make them apologize for hurting my hand?”
  • Step Two: If you answered yes to the following question, then the excuse is toxic.

Tip #4: Understand An Investment’s Potential, But Don’t Ignore The Risks

Like any investment, there are risks and rewards that you have to weigh. Sometimes the risks are minimal. When you fake sick just a couple times and don’t announce to the world on FaceBook that you’re running a marathon, the risks are pretty minimal. Those risks escalate when you let them pile up, so much so that your girlfriend won’t believe you when you say you need to perform brain surgery on the President.

This is especially important for anyone in a position in power, be they the despot of a country or a manager at Walmart. Having power offers a lot of potential because it creates both excuses and reasons for people to do what you tell them. However, the risks are much greater, especially if you want to use that power competently.

It’s easy to lose yourself in power. Anyone who used cheat codes in old Mario games understands that. That’s what makes it so dangerous because it prompts us to ignore the risks. When we do that, we’re less likely to realize when our excuses become toxic. People don’t trust us and look for ways to get us out of the way. No matter how much power you have, you won’t be able to use it effectively if your excuses are toxic.


Tip #5: Avoid Banking Excuses As A Means To Improve Past Investments

This tip is directly tied to a little something called the sunk cost fallacy. Anyone who has ever had a gambling problem or knows someone who would bet their shirt at a blackjack table knows it well. It’s this annoying quirk in our psyche that compels us to keep throwing resources into a game we’ve already lost to justify past investments.

In a sense, it’s an excuse to justify stupid risks that didn’t pay off. It’s a way to alleviate the mental stress of knowing just how badly we’ve lost. In the context of excuse banking, it applies to more than just a bad run of luck at a casino.

Like trying to win back what you’ve lost, banking excuses to improve toxic assets rarely works out. When an excuse has become toxic, it usually stays that way. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. Even if the wolf does come once in a while, there isn’t much you can do to improve the utility of the excuse.

Excuses, like fresh fruit, can perish quickly. They can be finite and applicable only to specific circumstances. Once those circumstances pass, trying to cling to those excuses is like trying to make spoiled milk taste good. It just can’t be done.


Tip #6: Long Term Investments Usually Pay More Than Short Term Investments

This is where we kind of have to battle our inner caveman here. As I’ve covered before, caveman logic compels us to think primarily in the short-term. We prioritize the potential for avoiding tigers and mating with fertile partners. Those short-term investments worked well in the caveman days, but they work less well in more complex societies.

The key purpose of excuse banking is to ensure you can justify your decisions to others. If you can’t do that, then other people aren’t going to trust you, work with you, or want to have sex with you. Now there’s a time and place for short-term investments, but they’re usually very specific and rare.

Long-term excuse banking involves crafting excuses that build trust and understanding with others. Ideally, they have some amount of reason to support them, if only in part. Bank enough long-term excuses and you’ll find people who are eager to work with you, ready to trust you, and eager to take their clothes off with you.

That kind of investment usually takes a lot more time and effort, but the payoffs can be pretty damn awesome.


These are just a few tips to start out. If I come up with others or learn from someone else, I’ll share them in another post or list. If anyone else has investment advice in the world of excuse banking, please share it.

Excuses may be one of the most important investments we can make. It’s one of the few currencies that is valid in every country, culture, and society. Sure, we can’t use them to tip strippers, but they’ll help us in negotiating our lap dance.

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Extremism: The Ultimate Excuse Bank

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Strap yourselves in and tighten your sphincter because this is another one of those posts that I’m sure is going to offend a few people. I try not to do posts like this too often. I like to leave that kind of offending to shock jocks, Fox News, and Kanye West. I’m an aspiring erotica/romance writer. I’m not Howard Stern.

However, sometimes I need to dip my toes in the piss-filled pool of offense in order to make an important point. I did that last year when I explored the mind of misogynistic men that too many women don’t even try to understand. That was hard to write, but it was something I felt needed to be said.

This post is similar. I knew I was going to write something like this when I began my discussion on reasons versus excuses. I also knew that by doing so, I would offend a few people. I’m not going to apologize for that. Sometimes, a message needs to be offensive in order to get the point across.

In this instance, that point has to do with extremism. I’m not just talking about religious extremism. I’m not just talking about political extremism. I’m not just talking about the extremism you find on Twilight message boards either. I’m talking about extremism in all forms.

I want to keep the context broad so that the topic can be applied to every possible instance. From the Islamic extremism that every news outlet tries to mention a thousand times a day to the political extremism that builds shining “utopias” like North Korea, this issue can apply to all of them. It won’t be the most comfortable application. If anything, it’s akin to applying acid to a contact lens.

To understand the common link between all these various forms of extremism, some of which actively try to murder each other in the streets, we need to revisit the concept of “excuse banking.” Sure, it’s a concept I just invented and has as much scholastic weight as a Will Ferrell movie, but it’s a concept that helps make sense of the irrational whims of people who really think they’re rational.

The basics of excuse banking are simple. They take whatever actions, beliefs, knowledge, or social connections someone has and effectively molds them into a ready-made list of excuses to justify their future actions. Excuse banking is basically akin to stocking up on Twinkies so that when you get hungry, you’re ready.

Remember, we don’t make decisions based on logic. We decide first and then look for reasons or excuses to justify them. That’s just how the human brain is wired. That’s how it has been wired since our caveman days and we can’t change that wiring any more than we can change the color of the sky.

With extremism, excuse banking goes a step beyond justifying your decision to buy a thousand posters of a half-naked David Hasselhoff. Extremism, in many ways, is the ultimate manifestation of excuse banking. It provides people with a set of infinitely malleable, constantly excuses to justify pretty much anything. Why else would actual Flat Earth Societies still exist?

In such an extreme, excuse banking goes far beyond just justifying a decision. When someone has such a malleable excuse in unlimited supply, it can lead to a form of self-hypnosis and self-delusion wherein someone actively avoids looking for reasons. They favor, cling to, and obsess over their preferred excuses.

It takes many forms, but the patterns are fairly similar. In religion, especially in the big three Abrahamic religions, there’s a perfect, all-powerful, all-knowing excuse sitting in the clouds. Call that excuse any name you want, be it Yahweh, Allah, God, or Cthulhu, it still functions the same.

If you have faith in said deity, then that deity will bless you and vindicate you. You don’t need to provide reasons for anything. You can just claim that the deity commands or wishes it and that’s the end of the conversation. You don’t need to justify anything else.

You want to murder an abortion doctor? That’s okay because your deity says it’s justified.

You want to blow up a bus full of civilians? That’s okay because your deity says it’s justified.

You want to take slaves from neighboring tribes? That’s okay because your deity says it’s justified.

You want to mutilate the penises of infant boys? That’s okay because your deity says it’s justified.

Sometimes the justification comes in the form of holy books that cannot be questioned. Sometimes it comes in the form of charismatic cult leaders who want first dibs on all the pretty girls in room. Sometimes it’s just some guy claiming to be a prophet that somehow slipped through the cracks and works at Dairy Queen during the week.

However it happens, the pattern is fairly clear. In terms of excuse banking, it’s almost too perfect. Having vindication from an all-knowing, all-powerful deity is basically like playing an old video game with cheat codes. Nobody can argue with a deity like that. Nobody can even verify the will of that deity.

Think back to what distinguishes a reason from an excuse. Reasons, by their definition, need to be verifiable on some level. Deities can never be verified. That’s why many religious extremists emphasize faith, which is essentially accepting the belief beforehand, absent any reason.

For the Richard Dawkins’ of the world, that seems dishonest. However, from a purely pragmatic perspective, it perfectly meshes with the wiring of our brain. It perfectly aligns with the process of making decisions first and then justifying them. In that sense, religion has far more advantages than atheism ever will. Sorry, Richard Dawkins, but the game is just not in your favor.

Think about any religious zealot. They’ll claim the same thing. Their deity and their holy book condone, promote, and even command whatever behavior they do, no matter how irrational or atrocious it might be. That’s how terrorists justify their atrocities. That’s how someone can harass the families of dead soldiers and still think they’re a good person. They’ve banked the ultimate excuse to justify that sentiment.

Now I’m not just going to harp on religion. I’ll leave that in the capable hands of South Park and Seth MacFarlane. Religion is just the most obvious example. Political ideology is still a close second though.

By political ideology, I mean any ideology that has an extreme element to them, which is essentially all of them. There may not be an all-powerful, all-knowing deity, but there are still a set of infinitely malleable excuses that adherents use to justify anything and everything.

Communism is probably the most famous example. From the Soviet Union to North Korea, communisms as a concept basically functioned as a deity in that its adherents thought it was perfect. Anyone who claimed otherwise was killed and those who did the killing had a valid excuse. They were protecting communism and the god-like leaders that promoted it. How else could Kim Jong Ill get away with those ridiculous glasses?

It also scales to smaller domains. Here in America, we have political parties who treat their affiliation the same way religious zealots treat their deities. That’s how one party can get so outraged when the other does something, but be totally okay with it when they do the same thing.

Through excuse banking, a political party can justify their actions because they see their party as correct, moral, and ethical party. There’s no reason for this and there’s no way to truly justify that sentiment. By blindly accepting it, they have the ultimate excuse. That’s why it’s entirely possible for a party member who claims to be pro-life to pay for his mistresses’ abortion and still be considered moral.

Go beyond political parties and you’ll find extreme excuse banking in all sorts of fields. It has been happening a lot more in fields subject to political correctness, especially in areas like feminism. It’s already evolved its own set of language and terms, much like any religious or ideological movement.

Such excuse banking can end up dividing an ideology that actually has verifiably good ideas. The inequality of women was and still is an unfair practice, something that feminism worked hard to overcome. However, extreme measures of excuse banking led to horrendously misguided subcultures in that movement, some of which joked about the mass murder of an entire gender.

This is the part where I hope everyone can unclench their asshole a bit. I know this is a difficult discussion to have, but these are all topics that affect us profoundly. Whatever the balance in your own excuse bank might be, religion and ideology affect our lives in profound ways. That’s why it’s so important to have a way to make sense of it.

This is also the part where I want to remind everyone that extreme forms of excuse banking in no way makes someone a bad person. I still believe that most people are good people who operate under the same burdens as the rest of us. Some, either by circumstance or endowment, find themselves clinging to certain excuses more than others.

Now I’m not saying that the idea of excuse banking can make sense of every complex sociopolitical situation on the planet. It’s just one tool I’m offering to add to a toolbox that can never be too stocked.

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