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October 22, 2017 · 8:59 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Raking Leaves Edition

I tend to have mixed feelings about fall. On one hand, I love sexy Halloween costumes and pumpkin spice lattes. On the other, I hate having to dress in layers and not being able lounge around naked. Until I can sell enough sexy novels to retire in a tropical climate, my feelings will likely remain mixed.

One other thing that adds to that mixed sentiment is the prospect of raking leaves. I happen to live in a part of the country that has beautiful fall foliage, but requires a lot of messy yard maintenance. In fact, I’m convinced that part of the reason anyone has kids in this part of the country is to help them do dishes and rake leaves.

I remember many exhausting weekends in my youth, toiling in my yard and raking bags upon bags of leaves. There was just no end to it. Other than scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, I can’t think of a more frustrating chore.

So to those who despise raking leaves as much as I do, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those who share in the soreness. Every chore is agonizing, to some extent. Some are just more agonizing than others. It’s those laborious moments when we need some sexy sentiments the most.

“Every great hero often begins their pursuit of greatness with an elaborate effort to get laid.”

“No relationship can hope to survive when two people cannot agree on the settings for the thermostat.”

“The prevalence of both circumcision and the human race is proof that even unwilling mutilation is not enough to stop legions of horny men.”

“The best hope any man has at getting a blowjob from a millennial woman is to make their semen taste like a latte.”

“Casual sex is like a Hot Pocket. Making love is like caviar. Angry make-up sex is like leftover pizza. All are delicious in their own special way.”

“Thanks to the invention of smartphones, there are probably more images of genitalia circulating today than there has ever been at any point in human history.”

“Wit and charm are just coy descriptions of a man who avoids saying things that immediately kill a woman’s sex drive.”

I hope these sexy sentiments make your back less sore when clearing your yard. Maybe one day I’ll make enough money from my sexy novels to pay people and/or robots to rake my leaves for me. Until that day comes, I’ll just use it as an excuse to work up a good sweat, feel extra sexy, and channel that into my next novel. In the end, everyone wins.

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October 15, 2017 · 8:42 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Pumpkin Spice Edition

I have a confession to make. I worry that it may make some think less of me and for a man who often talks about sex robots and sleeping naked, that’s saying something. However, for the sake of entertaining my readers and being wholly transparent, I’ll make it anyways.

I love pumpkin spice lattes.

There, I said it. The secret is out. I, Jack Fisher, love pumpkin spice and all the seasonal delights that comes with it. Call it a quirk. Call it shameless adherence to marketing trends. I don’t care. I know it has become cool in recent years to make fun of them, but that doesn’t make them any less delicious.

It’s the middle of October. There are a lot of pumpkin-themed gimmicks going around. Sure, some of it is bland marketing, but why is that a bad thing? If it looks festive, smells good, and tastes good, why not enjoy it? I certainly do. As I write this, I have a pumpkin spice latte right in front of me and I will not apologize for it.

Whether you love them or hate them, pumpkin spice is here to help us usher in the fall. It’ll likely remain until we’re too bloated from Thanksgiving dinner to care. Until that time, though, I’ll be enjoying them as much as I can. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to all things pumpkin spice. I hope it’s equally delicious.

“The sexually repressed who love to slut shame others are the radical vegans of sex.”

“A man who goes shopping with his wife to buy something other than sexy lingerie isn’t whipped. He’s in love.”

“If women graded men’s performance during sex, then a lot more would be inclined to study in anticipation of exams and pop quizzes.”

“Celibacy isn’t the same as anorexia in that it won’t kill you, but you’ll be less inclined to care that you’re dying.”

“Sex within a successful marriage is like re-watching your favorite movie. Sex within an unsuccessful marriage is like only eating leftovers.”

“The extent of someone’s horniness is directly proportional to their willingness to use their tongue.”

“When you think about it, doing something with your lover that kills the mood is the same as doing something with your computer that causes the screen to freeze.”

While I don’t doubt I’ll keep getting crap for my love of all things pumpkin spice, I still intend to enjoy it as much as I can. Like Christmas turkey, 4th of July barbecue, or bikinis in summer, it’s a seasonal treat worth appreciating. Like finding a wad of cash in your jacket or getting an extra lap dance, who doesn’t enjoy a rare treat?

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October 8, 2017 · 8:56 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Cosplayer Edition

Greetings and excelsior, as Stan “The Man” Lee would say. That feels like the best possible way I can cap off a week that involved a trip to New York Comic Con 2017. If it sounds like I’m still bathing in afterglow, like a Disney princess on her honeymoon, I’m not apologizing. That’s how it feels to visit New York Comic Con.

The sights, the sounds, and the experience are special to the hearts of every comic book fan, pop culture vulture, and people who just need an excuse to dress up in sexy costumes. It’s like a party where you know other people share your interests and you don’t have to be shy talking about them. I won’t say it’s the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had, but it’s definitely in the top 10.

Naturally, I saw some amazing sights, many of them sexy to no end. I will cherish these sights and memories for years to come, or at least until I go back next year. In the meantime, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the wonders I experienced at the New York Comic Con.

Also, if you’re one of the sexy cosplayers who helped make the whole show a spectacle, I’d like to especially thank you. You make the world a better, sexier place.

“A honeymoon is basically a state/church-sanctioned vacation where you’re allowed to have sex without getting shamed for it.”

“Morning wood would be much more useful for women if semen had the same nutritional value as a latte.”

“The fact that women take pride in being able to give birth while men take pride in being able to pee while standing up is proof that there will always be gender inequality.”

“Seeing is believing works well with basic logic, but has a mixed track record when it comes to fake tits.”

“People who name their own genitals may be insecure, but those who let others name their genitals have to have a lot of confidence.”

“The idea of faking it until you make it may work with success, but not for orgasms.”

“Other than children, the greatest gift a wife can give her husband is permission to watch porn without stigma.”

Once again, I thank New York Comic Con and all the amazing cosplayers who make it awesome. Whether you’re elaborate, sexy, or creative with your costume, you show your passion in ways that any comic book fan or aspiring erotica/romance writer can appreciate. I look forward to sharing that passion at many future comic cons.

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October 1, 2017 · 8:55 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Date Night Edition

In general, having great sex and maintaining a strong romance are similar in that there’s no one right way to do it. What works for one person or might not work for another. What’s quirky for one couple might be mundane for another. Love is a diverse, erratic, and beautiful thing. Like flowers in a garden, it blooms in many ways.

That said, there are some methods that have been scientifically proven, to some extent, to keep those sexy passions burning. Sure, lovers may get used to each other after a while, so much so that they know their favorite brand of toilet paper and what color dildo they prefer, but there are plenty of ways to keep things interesting. You just have to use your kinky imagination and a little basic brain hacking.

That’s where regular date nights come in. According to actual research, having regular date nights where a couple sets aside all distractions and focuses on getting frisky improves their chances at forging a lasting romance. It makes sense. By regularly putting some passionate effort into one another, you’re bound to keep things heated.

That’s why I highly recommend date nights for aspiring lovers, such as those I write about in my novels. While you and your lover are making those sexy plans, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to set the mood.

“Begging for oral sex versus begging to give oral sex creates create wildly different situations for each gender.” 

“Relationship advice is like the stock market in that nobody can predict how it will pan out, only a few strike it rich, and major crashes cause major panic.” 

“At strip clubs or brothels, there’s really no such thing as an awkward boner.”

“If a relationship expert is single, does that inherently make them an hypocrite?”

“What does it say about us when so many people find a woman’s feet sexy, but nobody finds a man’s balls sexy?”

“Makeup sex is like soggy pizza. It’s not great, it’s not entirely satisfying, and we may think less of ourselves for enjoying it, but it’s still palatable and it gets the job done.”

“Pity sex is like the Pumpkin Latte of sex in that it’s okay to have every once in a while, but not on a regular basis.”

For all you spouses, lovers, or friends-with-benefits out there, I hope this helps get you in the mood for date night, whenever it might be. Being in love doesn’t mean you stop trying. You still have to put in the effort to make that love fruitful. Given how that effort can result in some quality sexy time, I honestly can’t think of anything more worthwhile.

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September 24, 2017 · 8:45 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Foliage Edition

Well, according to the calendar, fall is officially here. That’s right. It’s time to put the bikinis away, break out the heavy coats, and envy all the lucky assholes who live in a tropical climate for the next eight months. It’s going to be a long winter is what I’m saying.

As much as I’ve expressed my fondness for all things summer, I don’t deny that fall has its appeals. In addition to football being back, it’s also cooler without being too cold. You can get away with wearing shorts and not sweating so much that you smell like a wet dog. For a guy who loves to sweat for all the right reasons, that’s important to me.

Then, there’s the foliage. I don’t care what those lucky assholes in tropical climates say. Fall foliage is a sight to behold. I happen to live in an area where the changing leaves is pretty damn beautiful. I’d even go so far as to say it’s sexy. All that extra color, combined with a greater need to stay warm, creates all sorts of sexy situations.

It’s not the same as bikinis and speedos, but it’s still a unique brand of sexy. That’s why I’m going to get the ball rolling on fall by dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the changing leaves. Sure, we have to rake them later, but let’s enjoy the spectacle while we can. It’s a special kind of sexy so let’s make the most of it.

“Given men’s natural love of breasts, aren’t push-up bras redundant?”

“Is it possible that babies conceived in winter were also part of an effort by couples to save money on their heating bill?”

“Sex is the only activity in which women don’t mind procrastination.”

“Is it possible that the first nipple piercing was a product of someone not wanting to admit how clumsy they are when drunk?”

“Are crazy people really better in bed? Or are sane people just too unwilling to make the extra effort?”

“When you think about it, the afterglow after sex is like a reverse hangover.”

“The amount of a woman’s body that a man’s lips have touched is one of the best measurements of his commitment.”

I hope that got everyone’s blood flowing, if only to give them the strength they’ll need to rake up the leaves. Summer may be officially over, but there’s a way to be sexy in every season. Granted, some seasons are more challenging than others, especially those not conducive to thong underwear, but I’m up for that challenge and I intend to deliver.

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September 10, 2017 · 8:17 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: 2017 Kickoff Edition

The wait is finally over. The countdown is just about complete. After seven agonizing months, the 2017 NFL regular season is here. The football fan in me couldn’t be more excited without getting a kiss from Jennifer Lawrence and Sophie Turner. I already gave my thoughts and predictions about the upcoming season. Now, it’s time to watch it unfold.

There’s a lot to love about football. Sure, there are still doomsayers who claim its days are numbered. I’ve already pointed out why those people are full of shit. For the rest of 2017, all those petty controversies about America’s favorite sport can become the afterthought it deserves to be. Football is back and I’m ready to celebrate!

As part of that celebration, I’m going to dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to my fellow football fans who endured the same agonizing wait that I did. I hope it both excites you and tides you over until kickoff. So sit back, grab a beer, cook up some buffalo wings, and enjoy the 2017 NFL season with me.

“Learning about sex through porn is like learning how to defuse a bomb from cop shows.”

“Doctor’s say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. By that same logic, does an ounce of foreplay amount to a pound of orgasms?”

“Flavored lube is the candied bacon of sexual accessories.”

“Genital piercings are proof that human beings are terrible at dealing with peer pressure.”

“A man in touch with his feminine side is cute, but a woman in touch with her masculine side is a bitch and that’s just not fair.”

“Given the inherent similarities, do wrestlers get confused during sex?”

“When you think about it, binge-watching is to movies what orgies are to sex.”

Those sexy thoughts should tide everyone over until kickoff. No matter who your favorite team is, how poorly they played last year, or how bad they’re projected to be this year, anything is possible now. Every team is undefeated. Every fan base is full of hope. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that.

At the very least, let’s be thankful to see sexy NFL cheerleaders again. That’s a team everyone can root for.

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September 3, 2017 · 8:48 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Labor Day Edition

Summer is just about over. Just typing that sentence out makes me sad. That means I’ll be putting away my speedo, my muscle shirts, and my flip-flops soon. In my part of the country, the cold weather tends to come fast and lingers like an itchy asshole. I’m not looking forward to that, to say the least.

In a sense, Labor Day is our last chance to really enjoy the warm weather, the beaches, and the bikinis one last time. Unless you live in a tropical climate, and I envy those who do, it’s a sight you’ll have to cherish until 2018. Having enjoyed my fair share of trips to the beach while sleeping naked in the muggy heat every night, I like to think this summer has been a success.

I’m still going to enjoy what’s left of it during Labor Day. I’ll drink a few extra cold beers. I’ll lounge around in swim trunks and flip flops. I’ll see if I can spot any more bikinis before they disappear for the rest of the year. I encourage everyone to do the same.

To aid in this effort, I dedicate this week of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the last days of summer. I hope everyone has a safe and sexy Labor Day. Enjoy it and get ready for a long, less sexy winter.

“Dancing may not count as outright foreplay, but in many cases, it still helps us exercise our humping skills.”

“No matter how smart you are, you’re always prone to stupidity when you’re really horny.”

“The fact that women are concerned with styling their hair while men are obsessed with NOT losing it makes hair, in general, is a perfect metaphor for modern romance.”

“Is a man who uses a dildo to please his lover compensating for something or just well-equipped?”

“In a sense, an elaborate wedding is two families paying exorbitant, up-front fees to permit two people to see each other naked on a regular basis.” 

“Sexiness takes work, sex appeal takes talent, and sex skills take practice. It’s just the last step that’s hardest to set up.”

“If actions speak louder than words, then a lover who just wants to talk about sex is sending mixed messages.”

The summer is just about over. Before long, you’ll be shoveling snow, shopping for Halloween candy, and putting up Christmas decorations, possibly within the same week. That’s all the more reason to cherish this Labor Day holiday to enjoy what’s left of summer.

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August 27, 2017 · 10:05 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Humidity Edition

I love summer. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear in articulating my fondness for the beach and women in bikinis. In fact, if I sell enough sexy novels, I intend to retire to a tropical climate where I can enjoy summer-like weather, beaches, and bikinis all year-round.

That said, I understand that summer isn’t without its downside. Beyond the sexy beaches and the sexy women that make them great, summer can get pretty uncomfortable, especially when you have lousy air conditioning and excessive anti-nudity laws. In many cases, it’s not the heat that causes the discomfort. It’s the humidity that comes with it.

It doesn’t just make us feel hot and sweaty. It doesn’t even make us sweat in a sexy sort of way. That’s both tragic and frustrating. Sweat without sexiness is like french fries without ketchup. It’s just bland and uninspiring.

As I write this, my hometown is in the middle of both a heat wave, coupled with excessive humidity. Just going for a walk means smelling like a gym bag in just a few minutes. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but one that’s easily countered. I’m hoping that this week’s version of Sexy Sunday Thoughts can help in that effort by adding some badly-needed sex appeal along with that sweat.

“No matter how great the sex is, sore nipples will never be as worth it as a sore vagina.”

“You know you’re in an unhealthy relationship when training a dog and training your spouse is distressingly similar.”

“Does a certified gynecologist watching hardcore porn qualify as mixing work with pleasure?”

“Certain foods will NEVER be sexy and most of those foods involve beans.”

“Is a thrill-seeker who uses condoms a hypocrite, by default?”

“Masturbation is something you don’t WANT to learn the hard way, but doing so will give you an unspoken edge.”

“Is it possible that streaking started as a way to cool off during the summer that got out of hand?”

We’ve still got a few weeks left of the sweaty, sticky, unsexy kind of heat. It won’t be long before we’re all whining about having to wear layers just to go out and get the mail. While I know the humidity and heat is not exactly comfortable for most people, that discomfort pales in comparison to frostbite and shriveled genitals.

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August 20, 2017 · 10:45 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Sunburn Recovery Edition

When I wrote my regular entry of Sexy Sunday Thoughts last week, I did so while watching the sun rise over the beach. As soon as I was finished, I put on my swim trunks, lathered up with enough sunscreen for a trip to Venus, and spent the rest of the day at the beach. It was as fun and sexy as it sounds.

That was last week, though. This week is a bit different. By that, I mean I’m not looking at the sun rising over the beach in a pristine display of nature’s beauty. I’m back home, hunched over a desk, and stuck looking at overly sexy bikini ads as the closest I’ll get to seeing real bikinis until next summer.

On top of that, I’m dealing with a nasty sunburn. Yes, I know I just said I lathered up with enough sunscreen to make me smell like a coconut factory. No, it didn’t work completely. Sure, I managed to avoid getting the more sensitive parts of my body burned. I’ll let you use your sexy imagination to see what I mean. Some parts, however, did not escape the sun’s wrath.

For the past few days, I’ve been treating those burns with whatever remedy I can find at a drug store. It can only do so much, though. In my experience, a little sexy musings help aid in the process. So with that in mind, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those recovering from sun burn. Hang in there, folks. The sun can burn your skin, but it cannot snuff your sexiness.

“As the prevalence of self-driving cars increases, so too will the number of children conceived in them.”

“It’s easy to confuse true love and great sex, but even easier to not give a damn on most days.”

“The sound women make when they orgasm is akin music whereas the sound men make is akin to getting a tooth pulled.”

“The association between cigarettes and sex is hypocritical when you consider that nobody finds coughing that very sexy.”

“When you think about it, there aren’t a whole lot of steps between being a hugger and being a slut.”

“Having too many horny men in a particular area is likely to result in crimes, but having too many women is likely to result in a party.”

“The popularity of sex toys has given men too many reasons to be suspicious of anything a woman owns that vibrates.”

I hope those sexy thoughts aid in the healing process for whatever sunburns anyone incurred by laying out by the pool, lounging on the beach, or just generally doing something outside that allowed them to omit some clothing. I know it burns. I know it doesn’t look that sexy. That said, I’d still say it was worth it.

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August 13, 2017 · 8:46 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Vacation Edition

What’s the best way to make a vacation sexier? That’s a trick question. Just being on vacation, especially one that allows you to spend less time paying bills and more time naked, is inherently sexy. When clothing, work, and so much else is optional, you’re bound to feel more energy, especially the sexy kind.

I know this because, as I type these sexy words, I’m looking out at a beautiful beach. That’s right. I’m on vacation. I’m literally sitting on a balcony from a hotel, watching the sun rise over the ocean. It’s as relaxing as it sounds and then some.

For the next several days, my sole concern involves lounging on the beach, hanging out at beach bars, and admiring beautiful women in bikinis. I have every intention of enjoying it to the utmost. It might very well be my last vacation of the summer before changes in weather makes extended periods of nudity more difficult.

Vacation or not, my mind never stops thinking sexy things. If anything, being at a beach in the hottest days of summer only makes those thoughts sexier. As such, I’ll try to incorporate every last bit of that sexiness into this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” Enjoy!

“If variety truly is the spice of life, then a man’s porn collection is the perfect embodiment of that concept.”

“When you think about it, a female version of James Bond is a stereotypical porn star.”

“Getting sex advice from your parents is like getting vegan recipes from a cannibal.”

“There are very few ways to ruin a blowjob, but a great many ways to screw up the process of requesting one.”

“It’s usually a bad sign when your lover says they want great sex, but isn’t too eager to practice.”

“If the key to a man’s heart was really through his stomach, then wouldn’t the sexiest women in the world all be professional chefs?”

“The average orgasm for a man lasts 7 seconds. The average orgasm for a woman lasts 20. THAT’S why there will never be true gender equality.”

“When you think about it, a fetish is just a type of sex with a really passionate fanbase.”

Even if you’re stuck working, I hope these lurid musings help tide you over until your next vacation, whenever it may be. I know it’s not the same as a tropical getaway, but sometimes you got to take what you can get. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a beautiful beach to enjoy and some beautiful women in bikinis to admire.

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