Tag Archives: jokes

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Hot Off The Grill Edition

dba582baaa3098f70969e97d3bc849f6

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I started contemplating and writing about sexy topics, it’s that nobody can exercise their sex appeal, no matter how innate it might be, on an empty stomach. Even when well-fed, though, there’s something to be said about having a good meal and feeling sexy afterwards.

In my experience, few things heighten sexual energy more than a meal that comes hot off the grill. Whether it’s a steak, a burger, a hot dog, or couple of turkey legs, there’s just something about the smell of freshly cooked meat that gets all the juices flowing in the right direction. Many of the women I’ve met have indirectly stated the same, some more overtly than others.

Whether it’s in the middle of summer or the dead of winter, a freshly grilled meal is enough to boost my mood in all the right ways for all the right reasons. In the interest of stirring appetites, both sexy and otherwise, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the joys of freshly-grilled meals and all the sexiness it inspires. Enjoy!


“Fake breasts are the best kind of false advertising.”


“Fake orgasms were very likely the first ever con.”


“Being in love also means being honest about how many sex toys you’ve owned.”


“A man searching for the G-spot is like a hacker trying to hack the CIA.”


“The effectiveness of dirty talk on some men is proof that some penises are voice activated.”


“A prostitute is like fast food in that it can be bad for us, but is still so satisfying.”


“A man with a small penis has much more incentive to use his hands well during sex.”


I hope that got everyone sufficiently hungry, among other things. Whether you enjoy a charred burger or just like to grill up some vegetables for that extra crisp feel, a good meal from the grill is sure to get you in the right mood to tackle anything, sexual or otherwise.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Memorial Day 2018 Edition

us-marines-by-dvidshub-creative-commons

It’s the last weekend of May and you know what that means. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. For most people, especially kids who have been stuck in school for the last nine months, it’s the day when all the pools finally open. It’s the first holiday of the summer and a good excuse to spend the day at the beach.

While I appreciate any sentiment that involves summer, the beach, and lounging by a pool, Memorial Day has a more serious connotation that warrants a far greater celebration. It’s a day in which we honor the sacrifices of our veterans. I come from a family who has multiple veterans, going back to World War II. We understand the value of that sacrifice more than most.

The brave individuals who put their lives on the line for their country deserve to be honored. Whether it’s through a parade or a backyard barbecue, their story is one that helps make freedom possible. In a chaotic, unjust world, they are the ones that help carve law, order, and civilization from the chaos. That’s the kind of strength that’s worth honoring.

As such, I’m proud to dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all the veterans out there who have so bravely served their country. It’s because of you that we can live in a world where we can appreciate the sexy things. For that reason, we are in your debt and we thank you.


“A good day for a prostitute has a lot in common with a bad day for a plumber.”


“It’s distressing to wonder just how many lurid sex acts have been covered up by good laundry habits.”


“A comfortable couch has much more sexual potential than a typical bed.”


“People rarely need an excuse to be horny, but they’ll make as many as they have to in order to justify it.”


“Nobody ever fell in love with someone because they gave lackluster oral sex.”


“Are men who have sex with their pregnant wives just trying to earn extra credit on future paternity tests?”


“A man who begs for nudes is tacitly admitting that he’s bored with internet porn.”


I hope that helped get everyone feeling patriotic about their country and compassionate for its veterans, among other things. Make no mistake. Veterans are worthy of our love, admiration, and sex appeal. They put themselves in the line of fire and make tremendous sacrifices so we can live in the freest, sexist society possible. For that, we are forever in their debt. Happy Memorial Day!

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Jack Fisher’s Sexy Sunday Thoughts: “Deadpool 2” Edition

deadpool-2-still-01_758_426_81_s_c1

Greetings, fellow lovers of Deadpool, tacos, and poop jokes. Once again, we find ourselves in uniquely prosperous times. Just a few weeks ago, the world became inherently more awesome with the debut of “Avengers: Infinity War.” That movie was an epic cinematic marvel that I went out of my way to praise. This week, another marvel of a more vulgar sort has arrived.

That’s right. The wait is over! “Deadpool 2” has arrived. Get a clean pair of panties and leave your tender sensibilities at the door because the Merc with the Mouth is back, once again through the lovable spirit that is Ryan Reynolds. He’s back with his R-rated antics and the world is better because of it.

I’ve praised “Deadpool” since the earliest days of this site. This movie has left me with plenty more things to praise. Some will make you sick to your stomach. Some will make you laugh hysterically. Some will even make you horny. When a former sexiest man alive and ex-husband of Scarlett Johanssen is involved, how could it not?

The “Deadpool 2” is another one of those rare pieces of media that makes the world an objectively better place. Like cat videos and babies with dogs, it brings a special kind of joy to our lives, along with some sex appeal. In that R-rated spirit, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to “Deadpool 2” and all the vulgar spectacle it embodies.


“If intelligent design were real, then wouldn’t every man’s penis vibrate during sex?”


“True love is having someone who’s willing to unclog your toilet for free.”


“Drunk sex and drunk texting can be equally damaging to a relationship.”


“The foundation of any successful relationship is less about avoiding screw ups and more about not getting caught.”


“A wedding reception is just an opportunity for relatives to celebrate that two people they know are going to have sex.”


“It’s very likely that the invention of acting coincided with the first instance of role playing during sex.”


“Groupies are the sexual equivalent of unpaid interns.”


I hope these sexy musings embody the fourth-wall breaking effort that would make Deadpool proud and/or horny. I like to think he has a greater appreciation than most for the dirty, kinky musings that cross our minds in a given day. For those still buzzing from the move or are still in line to see it, I hope this supplements the experience. If it requires a clean pair of panties or underwear, then all I can say is you’re welcome.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Mother’s Day 2018 Edition

Image:

It’s that time of year again. Hallmark loves it. The flower business loves it. You should love it too because it involves celebrating mothers, the most important women in our lives, by default. Appreciating them should involve more than just cards, chocolates, and flowers.

That can be challenging for someone like me because I happen to have an incredibly awesome mother who sets the bar insanely high. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have such an amazing woman to call my mom. She has done more than just teach me how to live, love, and thrive in this world. She has helped me appreciate the love of family, women, and everything in between.

Every Mother’s Day, I do what I can to let my mother know how much I love her. A big part of who I am comes right from my mother and I can’t thank her enough for that. As I’ve gotten older, she hasn’t asked for quite as much. I still like to deliver in my own special way.

To those of you lucky enough to still have your mother in your life, I encourage you to show that appreciation as well. To all the other hard-working, hard-loving mothers out there, this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts is for you. Enjoy and Happy Mother’s Day!


“Someone who claims to be bi-curious is just someone who is more flexible with their horniness.”


“Practically speaking, women who’ve given birth are MUCH more motivated to make sex worthwhile.”


“When you think about it, step-parents are the romantic and sexual equivalent of pinch hitters.”


“A woman flashing her tits makes men and babies excited for distinct, yet similar reasons.”


“A romance that endures is a romance that has meaningful discussions on the usage of nipple clamps.”


“Faith can move mountains, but orgasms keep people motivated.”


“A successful three-way has a lot in common with skilled juggling.”


Once again, to all the mothers out there and the children they bore, Happy Mother’s Day. These wonderful women helped make us and raise us. They help us learn to love and understand why it’s special. To my own mother, especially, thank you for making my world and the world around me more loving.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: (Belated) Cinco De Mayo Edition

cinco-de-mayo-e1334011426792

Greetings, and a very happy belated El Cinco de Mayo to all. I know I’m a day late, but I’ve always been one to enjoy the afterglow of a holiday, among other things. I find those are actually the most relaxing moments of an event. Celebrating takes all sorts of time, energy, and planning. When you get to the afterglow, though, you can just chill.

I admit I don’t celebrate El Cinco de Mayo. However, I grew up in a pretty diverse area that had a sizable Hispanic population. Without going into too much detail about my neighbors, I’ll just say those people know how to throw a party and cook amazing food. Even though I was pretty shy as a kid, I always appreciated a joyous occasion and great food.

Tacos, burritos, and pretty much anything else you can dip in hot sauce is already a sizable part of my diet. A day of celebration that involves feasts and festivities is certainly welcome. I don’t speak Spanish very well, but I know the language of great food and sexy musings.

As such, I’m happy to dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those basking in the afterglow of another great holiday. By now, I imagine many are tired and still digesting their spicy feasts. A little sexy spirit helps to maximize that glow. Enjoy!


“At some point, we all need to acknowledge that smelling women’s panties is more desperation than fetish.”


“The worst blowjob a man can get is still better than the best shoulder rub he’s ever gotten.”


“Is it possible that we’re only attracted to chiseled abs because we’re more certain that person won’t eat our leftovers?”


“The line between wrestling and sex is like the line between a snack and a meal in that one can easily morph into the other.”


“If a man’s penis were replaced with a woman’s vibrator, then batteries would become the world’s most valuable resource.”


“Someone who has great sex on the day they die can objectively say didn’t die in vain.”


“When you think about it, the most basic form of romantic love stems from a sincere desire to give someone else an orgasm.”


I hope that gets everyone in the mood for a nice Sunday siesta, among other things. This is the time of year when the weather is warm enough to minimize the amount of clothing you need to wear around the house. As someone with a noted fondness for sleeping naked, it’s a wonderful time of year and having an excuse to eat more burritos certainly doesn’t hurt.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Infinity War Edition

537bc6a21256d

I hope it goes without saying to my fellow comic book fans, but this has been one of the biggest weekend in the history of the superhero genre. After over a decade of built-up and hype, “Avengers: Infinity War” has come out. It might very well be the biggest cinematic event since “Star Wars,” “Titanic,” or the first time someone saw female nipples on a movie screen.

There’s no way to overstate it. “Avengers: Infinity War” is a game-changing moment for a genre and an industry. Beyond simply giving Disney and Marvel a fresh pool of money to swim in, it promises to raise the bar for just how epic a superhero movie can be and just how impactful superheroes are on popular culture.

I still intend to craft my full review of the movie. I imagine there are plenty of people out there still in line, trying to get tickets for this monumental convergence of cinematic spectacle. I urge every one of those people to hang in there. I assure you the wait is worth it.

To make that weight slightly more bearable, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those celebrating release of “Avengers: Infinity War.” We’ve waited a long time for a moment like this. Let’s celebrate it as best we can and for me, that means a little sex appeal.


“You can accurately judge the experience and skill of a lover by how well they touch nipples.”


“Is it possible that leather is only associated with kink because it’s easier to wipe away embarrassing stains?”


“Whoever invented the UV lamp probably made a LOT of unexpected enemies.”


“Technically speaking, an orgy is a conspiracy of orgasms.”


“Laughing during sex is only slightly less awkward than throwing up during desert.”


“Sex can be given, love has be earned, and anal must be negotiated.”


“Using a vibrator during sex is the intimate equivalent of a spoiler.”


These sexy thoughts might not have the power of the Infinity Gauntlet or the menacing presence of Thanos. If nothing else, I hope they get peoples’ hearts racing for reasons other than those evoked by the movie. For superhero fans, comic fans, and fans of all things epic, “Avengers: Infinity War” is a historic achievement. The way I see it, some sexy musings can be part of the celebration.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Short Story

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Tax Day Recovery Edition

5471580657_9bb40ae23c_b

Let’s face it. Nobody likes paying taxes. It ranks near the top of any list for things that no one, not even an aspiring erotica/romance writer, can make sexy. This past week, most of us had to experience the less-than-pleasant feeling of filling out various forms and compiling various documents about our financial situation for the sole benefit of our IRS masters.

I would call that an act of financial BDSM, but that would be an insult to those who enjoy BDSM. There aren’t nearly as many people who enjoy paying taxes other than the accountants of rich people who get to charge excessive fees for dealing with all the paperwork. It’s one of those unpleasant, intimate transactions that nobody really enjoys.

That said, it’s over now for the most part. Tax season has come and gone. I’m all paid up. That means I’ve been screwed as much as I need to be screwed, at least financially, for the rest of the year. I hope everyone reading this got through it with minimal discomfort. Barring any audits, we’re good until next spring.

For that very reason, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the conclusion of tax season. I understand that it’s not a sexy topic. I understand there are those still getting screwed as I write this. Regardless of your financial situation, it’s the price we all pay for a civilized society. It’s my hope that these sexy musings will help ease the recovery process.


“The music we make love to might not always set the mood, but it can definitely establish a rhythm.”


“The bulge of a man’s wallet will always be more attractive than a bulge in his pants.”


“Giving a massage after sex is akin to a sale’s tax, but receiving one is akin to a tax refund.”


“In a sense, a man giving his lover oral sex is paving the way for his future children.”


“A night of playful kink is the relationship equivalent of a dozen date nights.”


“Being frugal is only sexy when you’re still willing to spend extra on premium lube.”


“Good oral sex skills go a long way towards compensating for poor cooking skills.”


Tax season may be over, but the pain for some will surely linger for a bit longer. If you’re unlucky enough to get audited, then the experience is about to get even less sexy. For everyone else, take comfort in the knowledge that we need only get screwed like this once a year. That leaves a full calender’s worth of days to screw in the ways we enjoy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Short Story

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Gardening Edition

Beautiful young woman gardening

Growing up, I hated doing yard-work. Unfortunately for me, my parents loved to garden and this was the time of year when they really liked to get their hands dirty. At first, I didn’t understand it. Then, when I had a chance to taste some of the fresh produce my parents grew, I totally understood.

I’m no vegan, nor am I the kind of guy who insists that all his food be produced by a local farm, but there’s something to be said about a freshly grown piece of food. It’s not always that it tastes better than what you buy at the grocery store. It’s the fact that you put in the work to make it and you get to enjoy it. There’s an inherent reward in that.

Gardening may seem like dirty yard work, but I believe there’s something sexy about it. It’s taking natural products and using natural process to grow them using basic reproductive means. It doesn’t take much to discern the sexual connotations from that. This being the ideal part of spring to get to work on your garden, I think those sexy connotations are a bit more obvious.

For that reason, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to gardening. Regardless of whether you live on a farm or just have a few potted plants on your balcony, I hope this gets you excited about getting your hands dirty, among other things.


“A piece of furniture is only as durable as the variety of kinky sex acts it can accommodate.”

Related image


“Cuddling after sex is like sprinkles on ice cream. It’s not entirely necessary, but makes for a better treat overall.”

Related image


“Learning about sex from your parents is like them reading the instruction manual they used to make you.”

Related image


“Sex is one of the few behaviors that can be a symptom of and a treatment for a disease.”

Related image


“The fact that porn stars probably use baby wipes more than babies says a lot about the process of making porn.”

Image result for porn sets


“When you think about it, a cramp is the sexual equivalent of a hangnail.”

Image result for couple in bed


“Morning wood is nature’s way of encouraging a man to be proactive with his day.”

Image result for morning wood


Regardless of how you feel about gardening or yardwork in general, it’s hard to deny that there are some sexual components to the process. We’re still connected to many of those natural forces in the grand scheme of things. I think, as an aspiring erotica/romance writer and a fan of all things sexy, that’s something worth celebrating.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Allergy Relief Edition

bd2gcn-woman-sneez_2727914b

This time of year brings out mixed emotions for people like me. On one hand, I’m glad winter is finally over and warmer weather awaits us. On the other, that warmer weather does not bode well for people like me who suffer from allergies. For my sinuses, this time of year is akin to the first day of high school on top of a dentist appointment.

I don’t deny that Spring is great in terms of scenery and smells, but it’s hard to enjoy when you’re dealing with sinus infections, itchy eyes, and coughing that sounds like you’re being strangled by fairies. I’ve lost count of all the medications, sprays, and special air filters I’ve used over the years. It’s a battle I know I can’t entirely win and just have to wait out.

There’s nothing sexy about allergies. That’s why I’m not looking forward to how the next several weeks will affect my sinuses. I know I’ve got a few sleepless nights and miserable days ahead of me, at least until the air clears and my nose adjusts. Until then, the best I can do is medicate myself like I always have and distract myself with all things sexy.

Knowing that there are plenty more allergy-sufferers out there, I dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those who look at the blooming trees with a mix of dread and admiration. These next few weeks will be difficult, but with beach weather almost upon us, they’re worth enduring.


“No good deed goes unpunished, but no quality blowjob goes unacknowledged.”

Image result for woman sucking a popsicle


“Using a vibrator during sex is like fudge on ice cream. It’s not necessary, but it definitely helps.”

Related image


“When you think about it, no quality sex toy should need an instruction manual.”

Image result for woman with cucumber


“Ice and nipples are the sexual equivalent of chocolate and mint.”

Image result for ice cubes on nipples


“The dedication of a lover is directly proportional to the percentage of their lover’s body that their tongue has touched.”

Image result for sexy tongue


“No relationship has ever suffered from an eagerness to share oral sex techniques.”

Related image


“Good sex is like hitting a home run, but making love is more akin to a grand slam.”

Image result for hitting a grand slam


I hope this helps other allergy-sufferers like me prepare for the coming assault on our sinuses, among other things. Like awkward boners and wet panties, allergies are just a fact of life. You deal with them however you can and make the most of it. I’m still glad the weather is warming up, but there are still a few lingering obstacles before I can start enjoying pools, beaches, and bikinis.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Easter 2018 Edition

sexy-easter-review-weekly-blog-bed-room-trail

Easter is a strange, but intriguing holiday. Growing up, I honestly didn’t know what it was about. To me, it was just another reason to gather at my grandmother’s house and enjoy some of her legendary cooking. That was pretty much the only reason I looked forward to it. All the religious connotations and chocolate eggs were secondary.

I don’t deny that Easter is still a major holiday for some. Most still don’t understand why a holiday associated with the resurrection of Jesus is also associated with rabbits, but I don’t think they mind, even if it has some sexy connotations. I’m not going to bemoan it. I have too many fond memories of family gatherings and amazing deserts to care.

Whatever the case, Easter is still a holiday and one that’s worth appreciating. Whether you celebrate by going to church or gorging on marshmallow peeps, you have a reason to do a little something special. Take advantage of it in whatever way works for you. Let this week’s special Easter edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” get you into the spirit. Enjoy!


“A sex ed class is the only place where an awkward boner can actually be a teachable moment.”

Related image


“A man’s comfort with his masculinity is directly proportional to his willingness to wear a speedo.”

Related image


“People can only be so honest when they’re in the presence of someone they want to fuck.”

Image result for man and woman on a date


“A single blowjob is more welcoming than a million handshakes.”

Related image


“When you think about it, one of the most risky kinks is being a prostitute with a cop fetish.”

Image result for sexy male cop


“Even the greatest romances require that two people be really horny at some point.”

Image result for man and woman in love


“Your closest friends are the ones who know how many sex toys you own.”

Image result for woman's sex toy collection


Whether you take Easter seriously or just use it as an excuse to cook ham for dinner, I hope you enjoy this most quirky of holidays. It may not involve elaborate decorations or a week off from school, but it’s a good excuse to get together with family, enjoy warmer weather, and eat candy. In the crazy world we live in, we can never have too many of those.

Leave a comment

Filed under Sexy Sunday Thoughts