Tag Archives: sexy

March 18, 2017 · 10:49 am

Why Quality Erotica/Romance Movies Are (Almost) Impossible

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A while back, I talked about the box office reception that “50 Shades Darker” received and the implications this had for the future of erotica/romance in movies. In my assessment, as someone with a keen interest in the future of erotica/romance, I painted a mildly optimistic picture.

I had good reason to. After all, “50 Shades Darker” turned a profit, just like its predecessor. Sure, it was panned by critics, but that has never stopped trends in movies before. Just ask Michael Bay. Critical reception aside, “50 Shades of Grey” made a lot of money for book publishers and movie studios. That should be all that’s necessary to spark a new wave of erotica/romance in movies, right?

Well, maybe it’s because I’ve had some spare time while recovering from a terrible cold, but I find myself re-assessing my assessment. In doing so, I’ve surmised a number of major, almost insurmountable obstacles that will keep erotica/romance stories, like the ones I write, from being Jaws-level blockbusters.

Now I say it’s almost insurmountable because Hollywood has defied the odds and/or common sense before. I thought the vomit-inducing shit storm that was “Batman and Robin” had killed superhero movies for the next several decades. Thankfully, I was wrong and three years later, “X-men” came out. However, the erotica/romance genre has challenges that even superhero movies never had to overcome.

With that caveat in mind, here’s a quick rundown of the obstacles that hinder erotica/romance in movies. Yes, they seem daunting, but keep in mind that when there’s money to be made, Hollywood usually finds a way to exploit the hell out of it.

Obstacle #1: The Porn Problem

While the Mike Huckabees of the world may hate it, porn exists. Porn, as a genre and an industry, exists in a big way. According to Forbes, it’s a multi-billion dollar industry with its own line of major brands, product lines, and superstars. Names like Brazzers, Adam and Eve, and Jenna Jameson are all well-known, even though many are still reluctant to admit just how much they know.

This may be good for the industry, but it’s also a big reason why the erotica part of erotica/romance has such a big problem getting into movies. It’s because porn is its own industry that there’s this hard, unambiguous line between porn and cinema.

Show any typical movie next to a typical porn and it’s usually pretty easy to figure out which is which. Even if none of the actresses involved have boob jobs, it’s painfully obvious which one was produced by a porn studio. If a movie is going to be overly sexual in any way, then it’s going to either get hijacked by porn or associated with it. In either case, the romance part will be lost completely.

This is why the erotica parts of movies like “50 Shades of Grey” and “Showgirls” are so watered down. Sure, you’ll see a pair of breasts. Sure, you’ll even see a penis or a vagina every now and then, if only briefly. However, it’ll never be as overt or uncensored as porn.

Some of this because too much T&A will earn a movie the dreaded NC-17 rating, which means no major theaters will carry it. At best, a movie with that rating will end up a late-night softcore porn movie on Cinemax or HBO, which directly ties into another obstacle.

Obstacle #2: The Acting Problem

Here’s a pop quiz everybody should be able to pass. How many Oscar-winning actors or actresses in the past 30 years have ever starred in a porno movie? If you can’t think of any, then congratulations. You passed.

That’s because for actors or actresses, acting in porn or being too eager to take your clothes off is the quickest way to lose credibility in Hollywood. Now some actresses can get away with showing their tits more than others, as Angelina Jolie has proven, but those are the exceptions and not the norms.

For men, it’s even worse. Many male actors are willing to get naked on screen, as Leonardo DiCaprio has proven, but chances are they’ll never do a full-frontal where their dick and balls are clear for everyone to see. That’s usually the quickest way to get laughed out of any future audition.

This is a problem because good acting is important to a good story, especially one that involves romantic themes. However, good actors and actresses can’t get quality work if they’re too eager to get naked on camera. That’s because they’ll just be seen as quasi-porn stars of sorts who rely more on their sex appeal than their acting skills to make a living.

Now there’s nothing wrong with relying on your natural or surgically-enhanced sex appeal to make a living. Pamela Anderson is proof that this can work, even if she has become somewhat of a hypocrite about it.

However, for serious actors in Hollywood, it’s an unbalanced balancing act of sorts. Too much sex appeal means your acting skills become secondary. Without those acting skills, it’s hard to tell a meaningful story. Even if the actor or actress has those skills, there’s also the erotic acts themselves to consider, which leads to the next major obstacle.

Obstacle #3: The Performance Problem

By performance, I don’t mean an actor or actress’ ability to cry on cue. Think back to porn for a moment without opening a new tab on your browser. Why is it that many porn actors or porn actresses have such poor acting skills? Well, there’s a simple reason for that. Their acting skills are a secondary concern at best, if not an afterthought at worst.

The biggest challenge to being a porn actor or actress has nothing to do with actual acting. It has everything to do with actually being able to have sex in front of a camera, under weird lighting, and with a director barking orders behind the scene. It’s not exactly an intimate setting is what I’m saying.

Most men can’t exactly rise to the occasion under those situations. As a man, I can attest that our biology makes that difficult for us. Just as many women can’t exactly get in the mood either. That’s why male porn stars are judged more on their ability to keep an erection and why female porn stars are judged by their ability to keep the sex going, even after the mood has passed.

This is why sex in movies is so overly-censored. Even in softcore porn movies, it’s extremely watered down. If you do see a penis, it’s never erect. If you do see a vagina, it’s rarely that wet. That’s why the sex never looks real or genuine. It’s a matter of skill more than story.

Good actors and actresses have the skill to make a character seem real. Good porn stars have the skill to actually have sex in front of a camera. Few, if any, have the ability to do both, which is why erotica/romance has so much working against it.

Obstacle #4: The Stigma Problem

As I’ve pointed out before, Hollywood still has a few oddly outdated attitudes when it comes to sex. Again, just go see any slasher movie made in the past 30 years. The first person to die is always the man or woman who is too eager to get naked or have sex.

In any major romance movie, a relationship that has too much sex will be portrayed as shallow. A relationship that lacks sex or sex appeal will come off as more genuine. It’s an either/or scenario that rarely gets challenged and for good reason.

Too much sex in a movie will cause it too lose credibility. Too much sex in a romance will make it seem shallow. The idea that sex can actually complement a romance might as well seem alien to a Hollywood producer. That would be like claiming Seth Rogan can do a good movie that doesn’t involve weed. It seems outrageous.

Beyond the stigma within the movie, there’s the stigma outside the studios as well. As I mentioned with the acting issue, those involved in an overly sexy movie will get labeled as the kind of people who can only do movies that involve a lot of sex.

This is why few victims in slasher movies go onto win Oscars. They commit the sin of getting naked in a few too many scenes and they’re basically blacklisted in Hollywood. It’s not fair, but that’s how the industry works.

Reasons For Hope

Now if these obstacles make it seem like erotica/romance will never be a legitimate movie genre, I apologize if I give that impression. Granted, these are obstacles that few genres have ever had to overcome. Even with the success of “50 Shades of Grey,” it’s not like studios are clamoring to make knock-offs on the same level we’ve seen with superhero movies.

That said, there does appear to be an emerging market for more mature content that doesn’t shy away from showing nudity in more than a few scenes. How do I know this? It can be best summed up by three words: Game of Thrones.

Say what you want about the critical reception of “50 Shades of Grey.” There’s no denying the cultural impact that “Game of Thrones” has had since it debuted on HBO. It’s violent. It’s sexy. It’s downright gratuitous in the way it glorifies Emily Clarke’s breasts. It’s also a damn good story full of great acting and compelling characters.

Now that’s not to say “Game of Thrones” qualifies as an erotica/romance story. It’s very much a different kind of story, one that fits more into established fantasy genres. However, it’s willingness to use a balance of sex, violence, and story offer hope that this balance can find its way into other genres.

So while it may be a while before we see an erotica/romance movie, like my upcoming book, “Passion Relapse,” we’re a lot closer than you think. Sex still sells. Meaningful romance still sells. It’s only a matter of time before Hollywood finds a way to combine the two and make a boatload of money off it.

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March 14, 2017 · 9:52 am

Snowy, Cooped Up, And Nudity

What happens when you’re snowed in, cooped up, and have a tendency to go a little nuts when you’re left alone for too long? That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way. I ask because that’s exactly the situation I find myself in today.

See that picture above? That’s the weather forecast for the northeast United States. You see that dark purple area in the center, indicating the heaviest snowfall? That’s where I am. That’s what I have to deal with for today and possibly the next several days.

Now this can be a good thing in some respects. When I get snowed in, I generally have more time to work on my writing. I do have some upcoming blog posts, as well as some other projects I’ve been working on. However, those only go so far for a guy like me. I’m not the kind of person who functions well being cooped up for too long.

By that, I mean I have a tendency to go a little nuts when I’m alone. By go a little nuts, I mean I often turn up the heat, get naked, open a bottle of whiskey, and generally wing it from there. Sometimes that involves playing music no on has liked since 1999. Sometimes that involves binge-watching every X-men movie ever made. I’m not saying it’s healthy. I’m just saying it’s how I cope.

I’ve made my fondness for nudity fairly clear. I sleep naked. If I can do something naked, I generally jump at the chance. I know it seems counter-intuitive in the winter during a snowstorm, but it works for me. It’ll get me through this storm and the inevitable mental strain that comes with being cooped up. It always has.

For everyone else effected by this storm, I won’t recommend my methods. I won’t discourage them either. If whisky and nudity isn’t enough, then try reading some of my novels to help warm you up. There’s “The Escort and the Gigolo,” which takes place in sunny Las Vegas. There’s “The Secrets of Sadfur Island,” which takes place on a tropical island. Then, there’s “The Final Communion,” which involves a lot of hot group sex.

If these don’t warm you up, then nothing will. So for now, wish me luck in staying sane and/or fully clothed for the duration of this storm. To everyone else on the east coast, hunker down and stay warm. If you’re lucky enough to have a lover with you, use this as a chance to keep each other warm. It’ll make being snowed in that much more bearable.

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March 12, 2017 · 9:58 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Spring Leap Edition

I know. It sucks when we lose an hour of sleep. Even if you don’t have to work and got a lot of sleep the night before, it still sucks. Sleep is one of those things we don’t like to compromise. That’s why daylight savings, at least in the spring, is so frustrating.

We all need as much rest as we can get, if only to ensure our beds are ready for other activities. If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know what I mean so I won’t spell it out. I’ll just let your dirty, filthy imagination fill in the blanks.

Dirty or not, there’s no getting around it. We here in America have all lost an hour of sleep today. That sucks, but it’s not a goddamn tragedy. The best we can do is suck it up, sleep in next weekend, and do what we can to make up the difference. I can’t give you that hour back, but I can make it easier with some of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts.

Even if you’re tired, a little sexy musings should help re-energizing your mind, body, and everything in between. Consider it my makeshift remedy to this most inconvenient of practices. Enjoy!

“Eating, sleeping, breathing, and sex are all basic needs, but only one of them is illegal to do in public.”

Unless you live in a nudist colony, this is one of those odd little proclivities about society and how we meet our basic needs. Now I’m not saying that people having sex in broad daylight is a good thing. Traffic is bad enough in some cities. The last thing we need is blowjobs holding up a crosswalk.

That said, sex is still one of those basic needs that we all seek as humans. Like food, air, and rest, it’s as critical to our survival as any other basic function. Despite this, there are all sorts of taboos and laws that prevent us from doing it out in the open. Not saying it’s inherently wrong, but it is kind of odd in that context.

“An orgasm for women is one of the few bodily functions that has been both a symptom and a remedy for disease.”

It’s true. There have been times in history where orgasms have been seen as a sign of disease. For some societies, especially those run by celibate holy men and chaste women, an orgasm might as well be a malignant tumor. No self-respecting woman would seek such toe-curling pleasure without some form of ailment right?

At the same time, orgasms have also been used as treatments for certain diseases, most of which have since stopped being diseases. In terms of treatment, you can’t get much better without morphine or weed.

“Marriage is the bureaucracy of love and divorce is the hidden legal fee of heartbreak.”

Let’s not lie to ourselves. Marriage, as an institution, is very much a bureaucracy. It’s next to impossible to make it sexy or romantic, but we, as a society, have done our best. I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it still works.

Divorce, on the other hand, is never sexy or romantic. It is, for all intents and purposes, the legal equivalent of a kick to the balls or an ice pick to the heart. By comparison, a hidden legal fee is almost merciful. Like I said though, bureaucracy obscures our capacity for love and romance. You take the good, the bad, and the downright painful that comes along with it.

“Jealousy is to love what projectile vomit is to erections.”

I’ve written about jealousy before and questioned just how natural it is, but I don’t deny how toxic it can be to love. Jealousy is like kryptonite. It can take an otherwise-healthy relationship and drag it through piles of elephant shit.

It’s a toxic emotion, that’s for sure. When it comes to lust though, namely those that inspire erections, it doesn’t take something so esoteric. Something as simple as projectile vomiting, both as a participant and an observer, will kill any sexy mood faster than a surprise visit from the Pope. It’s just basic biology.

“The first person to try anal must have been very convincing and the first person to agree to it must have been very gullible.”

I’ve got nothing against anal and those who enjoy it. I don’t consider myself an enthusiast though. I’m more than happy to leave that sort of thing to gay men, experienced porn stars, and the kinky women who inspire them.

However, I still can’t help but wonder what into the first act of anal sex. What exactly where those involved thinking? Were they drunk? Were they feeling adventurous? What kind of conversation did they have? I don’t know, but I suspect one person was very persuasive and the other was exceedingly susceptible to being persuaded.

“A young woman’s annoying personality traits are directly correlated by how much she spends on her dog.”

Maybe this is just Paris Hilton’s influence being too damn prevalent, but I’ve noticed a fairly common trend among certain women. If they’re young, beautiful, and annoyingly upbeat, they tend to pamper their dog in ways most human babies can only dream of. Short of breast feeding, these dogs have a pretty sweet deal.

The cost, unfortunately, is a woman with an annoying personality who sees her dog as more worthy of affection than other people. Now I love dogs as much as the next guy, but there’s a fine line between care and infatuation. Those who never see that line tend to be more annoying than they’ll ever admit.

“Men can’t experience the pain of childbirth, but they spent their whole lives vulnerable to a kick in the balls so it kind of balances out.”

I know women will debate me on this. Being a man, I can never know the pain of childbirth. I’ve seen how pregnancy effects friends and family members. It really does a number on a woman’s body that makes me think twice about taking a sick day because my stomach hurts.

That said, women will never know the pain that comes with being hit in the balls. Growing up, I played sports. As a result, I’ve been hit in the balls with a baseball, a basketball, a hockey pick, and a lacrosse ball. That’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s also a pain that I, as a man, will always be vulnerable to. I’m not saying this puts men and women on equal footing. I’m just saying the gap isn’t as big as you think.

“Those who give oral sex are heroes. Those who receive oral sex are lucky. Those who do both are true champions.”

I’m of the strong believe that oral sex is the ice cream of sex. No matter what form it takes, it’s usually pretty damn delicious. Those eager to give it deserve the highest of praise. Those lucky enough to get it deserve a high-five, a hug, and an ounce of respect.

However, it’s those that do both who are the real legends. Those that do both and do them well don’t just make things better for their lovers. They raise the bar for those around them. As far as I’m concerned, oral sex can’t have too high a bar. A world where everyone can give and receive oral sex masterfully is a world of true peace.

That’s all for now. Hope this helps make up for the lost hour you would’ve otherwise spent in bed, not contemplating such sexy subjects. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I can only do so much. However, I’m certainly willing to do my part.

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March 7, 2017 · 7:02 am

Sex And Hypnosis: A Prelude To Telepathy?

How many times have you wished you could hypnotize your significant other into putting on that sexy costume they refuse to wear? Hell, how many times have you wished you could hypnotize the clerk at the DMV just to make them think you’re next in line? My point is there are all times when we wish we could manipulate the minds of others.

There are some out there who think it’s already happening. They’re mainly Alex Jones fans who think that fluoride in drinking water is a secret plot by the Illuminati to make us dumb, submissive, and gullible enough to listen to men like Alex Jones. Those kinds of people probably aren’t going care much about this post, but those with functional frontal lobes should be able to get something out of this.

Why do I bring up hypnosis? Well, it sort of builds on what I discussed before about the future brain-to-brain communication, or techno-telepathy if you want to call it that. That technology is underway and it is progressing. It’s very likely that within my lifetime, people will be able to share their most intimate thoughts with somebody and that probably includes their deepest sexual fantasies, including those that involve clowns.

Before we get to that point, though, there are other ways to tap into the vast and perverse abyss that is the human mind. Granted, it’s not as scientific, nor is it as effective as we wish it were, but it still has some merit. It’s called hypnosis. It is a real thing. It’s just not as effective as cartoons, movies, and bad pornos would have us believe.

As such, I’m not talking about the kind of stage hypnosis you see in Las Vegas that involve bikini models for assistants. That’s not real hypnosis. That’s a stage act. That’s Hamilton with more partial nudity. Real hypnosis has some basis in psychological phenomena. According to Psychology Today, real hypnosis is defined as:

A state of highly focused attention or concentration, often associated with relaxation, and heightened suggestibility.

That makes sense on some levels. When you’re so focused and relaxed, you’ll basically admit you stole the Mona Lisa. You’re relaxed. You don’t care. It’s more a brain hack than it is mental manipulation.

In a sense, it’s an indirect form of brain-to-brain communication. It doesn’t involve actually hearing thoughts. It doesn’t even involve manipulating them. It just involves putting people into a state where they actually share the thoughts they don’t usually share.

Naturally, this can get sexually charged and not in the way a bad porno would suggest. Most everyone concedes that we live in cultures with some pretty mixed up or repressed views about sexuality. As such, it’s going to really mess up our thoughts and attitudes about sexuality. Just look at Texas.

Being able to share those thoughts, either through hypnosis or techno-teleapthy, will go a long way towards refining sexual attitudes. It gives people with anxieties and uncertainties a chance to share these feelings in ways that don’t involve using exceedingly uncomfortable words. We can, in turn, leave those words to aspiring erotica/romance writers like myself.

With hypnosis, there’s a way to tap into those messed-up, exceedingly repressed thoughts. I’m not talking about the kind of thoughts that reveal some uptight Texas pastor is having sex with gay prostitutes on the side either. I’m talking about the kind of thoughts that would make registered republicans gasp in horror.

The fact that hypnosis is necessary to reveal these thoughts is somewhat troubling. Being more open about sex has been shown on many occasions to be much healthier than repressive alternatives. The future of techno-telepathy may help effectively circumvent that awkwardness down the line.

For now, hypnosis is the closest we have to work with. It has shortcomings, but it’s better than expensive therapy. It can also make for some pretty sexy manifestations. As it just so happened, the fine folks at Cracked.com did a whole article on it. If you’re wearing dry panties, it’s definitely worth a read if only for three words: hands free orgasm.

The Sexy Things I Learned Working As An Erotic Hypnotist

Yes, by the way, being an erotic hypnotist is a thing. I only wish I could punch my old high school guidance counselor in the jaw for not letting me know that was an option. Granted, it’s an occupation that can get creepy, as revealed in the article, but I think you can say that about any job that deals with peoples’ inner-most fantasies.

I don’t know for sure how brain-to-brain communication will affect this process. I imagine it will build on what erotic hypnotherapists have been doing for years. I still look forward to the day when we can give each other orgasms with our thoughts alone. When our brains and genitals have that kind of synergy, the world will be a better place.

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March 5, 2017 · 11:04 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The Hugh Jackman Appreciation Edition

This weekend has been a big deal for X-men fans, comic book fans, and people who just think Hugh Jackman is God’s gift to this world. The “Logan” movie is out. If you haven’t seen it yet, what the hell is your excuse? Short of a death in the family, a life-threatening illness, or a date with Taylor Swift, there is none.

It’s exciting, but bittersweet for X-men fans. With this monumental movie, Hugh Jackman is hanging up his claws. He will no longer play Wolverine. I’ve talked about why this movie matters and why it’s importance goes beyond catering to comic book fans like myself. There will probably be many more discussions on this movie and its associated topics down the line. For now, though, Hugh Jackman has done his part.

What can you say about the man that hasn’t already been said or screamed by women with vivid imaginations during sex? He’s one of the most likable guys in Hollywood who doesn’t sell cocaine. He’s a truly special soul.

As a noted X-men fan, I can say for certain that his contributions to X-men and comic book movies will be celebrated for generations to come. Whatever he does next in his storied career, I wish him nothing but the best. May he enjoy critical praise and nude scenes with every actress on “Game of Thrones” for the rest his career.

That’s why I’d like to dedicate this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to the man who dedicated 17 years of his life to playing everyone’s favorite razor-clawed, whiskey chugging, mutton-chops wielding Canadian. I doubt he’ll ever read this, but Mr. Jackman, consider this my way of saying thanks.

“Teenagers have any number of reasons for being miserable, but you rarely see miserable teenagers with healthy sex lives. Coincidence?”

I like to think of myself as an expert on miserable teenagers, seeing as how I had a talent for misery throughout high school. I know all about the things that make a teenager sad, depressed, and just plain pissed off at the world.

For the teenagers that had healthy sex lives, and I know this because teenagers suck at shutting up, they weren’t really that miserable. It turns out that, despite all the fears about teen sex, it is possible for some teenagers to be responsible about it. The result is less misery. Go figure.

“Teach a man to love a woman and he’ll dedicate himself to finding the one for him. Teach a man to go down on a woman and that woman he’s seeking will find him.”

I consider this critical romantic advice for men who seek the love of women. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I explore all sorts of ideas about love, sex, and intimacy. In that exploration, I’ve learned that it’s not enough to just be passionate about finding a significant other. You also have to give those whose love you seek incentive.

When it comes to incentives, it’s hard to top good oral sex. It doesn’t matter how bad a day a man or woman is having. If their day ends with good oral sex, it’s a good day. That, my fellow men, will streamline any romantic quest.

“Does a prostitute at a singles bar defeat the purpose?”

People go to singles bars to seek out new romantic partners, hook up, and get laid if their lucky. It’s a complex game, one that requires an elaborate mating dances of sorts. Put it in a nature show and it’s basically a documentary with more rap music in the background.

A prostitute, male or female, circumvents that dance. There’s no ambiguity with their goals. There’s no elaborate dance beyond haggling how much extra it costs for oral. Not saying prostitutes have no place in a singles bar. They definitely do. However, they do sort of undermine the principle.

“If pole dancing qualifies as exercise, then lap dances should count as romance.”

Pole dancing is a new fitness trend. That’s not a joke. Seriously, this is actually a thing. I’m not too big on fitness fads these days, but this just feels like an excuse for people to exercise their elaborate stripper fantasies that they don’t want to share with their significant others.

If that’s really the case, then they why do things halfway? Why not go the extra distance and throw lap dances into the mix? If you’re going to call stuff like that fitness, then let’s at least be as flexible when it comes to romance.

“A trained gynecologist has no excuse for being bad at cunnilingus.”

This is just basic logic. Doctors go to school for a long time and have to learn a lot of things about the human body that most people never get to know, nor do they want to know. A gynecologist is just one of many specialties and I imagine it has a certain appeal that other parts of the body just can’t match.

So if someone is a trained and competent gynecologist, they should know the mechanics of giving women good oral sex. If they don’t, then what’s that say about their competence as a doctor? You can get away with being incompetent at some things. Gynecology is not one of them.

“Crossfit is to exercise what fisting is to sex.”

This is more an indictment about crossfit than it is about fisting. Now we all have certain sex acts that we consider uncomfortable or extreme. Some are just built for those acts and for those people, I say more power to them.

Crossfit, however, is one of those things where people seem to go out of their way to punish their bodies. It’s intense, it’s strenuous, and it doesn’t work for everybody. However, the people involved, much like those who love fisting too much, don’t shut the fuck up about it. Now I’m all for better sex and exercise. I don’t need people getting evangelical about it.

“No epic love story ever began with a drunken bar bet that involved public nudity.”

I’m sure there are any number of one-night stands and hookups that began with bar bets and public nudity. I may even write about some of those stories in my novels at some point. For a truly epic love story, though, I’m just as certain that it’s not a viable starting point.

Now I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for bar bets and public nudity, especially during Mardi Gras. However, if you’re trying to craft an epic love story, you’re probably going to need a better starting point.

“A teenage boy can’t truly say he’s smart until he’s learned how to get semen stains out of his bed sheets.”

This is something men everywhere have to deal with at some point, but rarely talk about. As teenagers, our dicks get us into all sorts of trouble. Even when we’re sleeping, they like to screw with us. So when our dreams get a little too vivid, the results tend to lead to awkward conversations with parents.

For those teenage boys who consider themselves smart and resourceful, they find a way to hide the evidence and avoid those conversations. I don’t care how many AP classes you take. If you’re not smart enough to hide the evidence of your Jennifer Lawrence fantasies from your mother, then you can’t call yourself smart.

That’s it for now. On behalf of Wolverine fans and people who just fine Hugh Jackman sexy as hell, I thank you. Mr. Jackman, this one’s for you. You spent 17 years playing Wolverine, the most badass comic book character of all time. Thank you for making the world a little sexier.

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February 26, 2017 · 10:09 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Non-Leap Year Edition

This is the time of year where having to wear sweatpants really starts to get to me. I’d like to make it clear that if and when I ever become a successful erotica/romance writer, I intend to retire in a tropical climate. If I’m going to live out my golden years in comfort, I’m going to live them in a place where I can walk around my house naked all year-round.

Yes, the end of winter is in sight. In my particular part of the country, it hasn’t been too bad. Hell, it’s been pretty damn nice compared to past years where I’ve had to shovel two feet of snow before breakfast. I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t let myself be too optimistic. I’ll just say that for me, shoveling lots of snow is right up there with dry-heaves and explosive diarrhea in terms of unsexy activities.

Whatever the case, and whatever some groundhog in Pennsylvania says, the end of winter is near. The time of bikinis, speedos, and more casual nudity is almost here. It still can’t get here fast enough, but I’m willing to be patient. I know that good thinks, like bikinis and casual nudity, are worth waiting for.

To help make the wait a bit more bearable for everyone, here’s another entry in my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” column. Whether you’re trying to stay warm in the winter or looking to stay cool in the summer, a little sexiness helps improve everyone’s mood. Like thong panties, they’re welcome in any season. Enjoy!

“About 75 percent of music is about looking for love. Around 20 percent of music is about getting over love. The other 5 percent is about actively enjoying it.”

I love music as much as the next guy who doesn’t get violently ill whenever Rebecca Black sings. However, I’ve noticed over the years that a lot of music tends to have the same themes. Either someone is trying to get laid, lamenting about how they’re not getting laid, or actively in the process of getting laid. Sometimes, it all happens within the same song.

I’m not saying these songs are bad. I’m just saying they could stand to mix it up every now and then. Aren’t there enough songs about breakups and finding love? Then again, Taylor Swift’s success probably answers that question.

“Tits are like pizza. They’re good in every form.”

Men can be extremely picky. I once roomed with a guy who always had to put four packets of sugar in his coffee, no more and no less. Anything else was considered heated toilet water. Those kinds of peculiarities are rampant among men.

However, when it comes to tits, we might as well be a bunch of hippies singing U2 songs. No matter what the shape, size, or color may be, men love tits. Like pizza, it’s a universally enjoyable thing.

“Penises are like beer. They’re an acquired taste, but they all function in a fairly similar manner.”

Now I’m not saying there’s a double standard here. Men will go to great lengths to see tits. They would sit through the longest, most god-awful movie of all time if it meant seeing Jessica Alba’s tits. With penises, it’s different though.

Women, and gay men by default, don’t go to those kinds of lengths just to see a penis. However, like certain kinds of alcohol, it’s possible to acquire a taste for it. Once you do, you become pretty damn loyal to that particular brand of penis. It’s a beautiful thing.

“A morning erection says a lot about how well a man slept, as well as what he dreamt about.”

Morning wood can be annoying at times. I can’t count how many awkward mornings I had in college when I woke up with a goddamn kickstand in my pants. However, I don’t deny that mornings that begin with an erection are usually preceded by a particularly restful sleep. In some respects, it’s my mind and body letting me know that I’m doing something right.

“If feminists are so serious about equality, then why aren’t they protesting the disparity between MILF and DILF porn?”

Let’s face it. There’s enough MILF porn on the internet to fill an entire Google server farm. It’s a pretty popular genre and why wouldn’t it be? It taps into the inner Oedipus in all men, seeing the inherent sexiness that comes from one who has brought life into this world.

So why, in the name of all things sexy, don’t men get the same appreciation? MILFs wouldn’t be MILFs without men. That’s just a biological fact. Feminists make such a big deal about equal representation in other industries. Why are they overlooking porn?

“If our genitals came with an app, we’d eventually find a way to break both.”

Maybe this is a fear over how future biotechnology may affect our genitals in the future, but given the way we abuse our smartphones, I shudder to think what would happen if our genitals were linked to it. Whether you’re a man or a woman, you’re equally capable of abusing your body parts as much as your devices. What will happen when we end up abusing both? It will be downright traumatic.

“True love is never having to apologize for an ill-timed fart.”

There are any number of signs to let you know you’re in love. Sometimes, the simplest ones are the most obvious. When we’re uncertain and afraid, we’ll try to control everything right down to the number of sweat beads on our head. However, when we are certain that we’ve found a lasting love, we’re okay with just letting our bodies do what they need to do. Again, it’s a beautiful thing.

That’s it for now. To those who miss casual nudity around the house as much as I do, just hang in there just a little bit longer. Our time is coming. The days of itchy sweatpants are numbered.

 

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February 19, 2017 · 9:02 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Presidents Day Edition

In past years, President’s Day hasn’t been that big a deal. For the most part, it’s just another excuse for stores to have big sales and for government employees to have another day off work. I miss those days. They were good times.

Now, thanks to last year’s election, anything involving the President or the government is likely to spark a fist fight, Twitter war, or rampant Nazi accusations. I’ve no desire to get into those kinds of conflicts. I get enough of that debating comic books online.

With that in mind, I’d like to dedicate this edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to those simpler times when the most controversy that came out of the White House involved interns, cigars, and ominous white stains. I know there’s a lot of tension in the world. I know there are hashtags, flame wars, and fake news that are enraging entire populations. I’d rather not add to any of it.

Now I’m still all for elevating the passions of others, but only the sexy kind. That’s what my weekly “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” posts are all about. So please, if only for a little while, take a break from lamenting over the endless rivers of political bullshit and enjoy these sexy insights from an aspiring erotica/romance writer.

“A weak man has to demand sex. A real man makes women want to give him sex.”

This is a lesson that all parents should teach their sons. At some point, he’s going to want to get laid. You can’t expect him to learn the particulars on his own, especially if you live in Texas. That’s why, for his sake and the women he beds, it’s important to teach him what it means to be a man.

That means earning his way into a woman’s panties, not demanding it. In my experience, and from what I’ve observed, there a lot of testosterone-laden asshats who think they have to demand sex to get it. A lot of them have rich parents, no sense of humor, and poor hygiene.

Those men rarely get as much sex as they want. For the real men, however, they find ways to make women eager, willing, and happy to enter his bed. That, my friends is the mark of a true man.

“It’s somewhat distressing that women’s criteria for a good husband isn’t very different from that of a butler. It’s even more distressing that a man’s criteria for a good wife isn’t that different from that of a mother.”

Think for a moment about the demanding criteria some women place on prospective spouses. They want someone who will provide, serve, and satisfy. How is that different from a butler? That list is uncomfortably short.

It’s even more uncomfortable when you look at the criteria men want in their wives. They want a woman who will cook, clean, and care for children. The lack of difference between wives and mother should be enough to make any man a little uncomfortable.

“Do those who’ve endured open-heart surgery find it offensive when others talk about the pain of heartbreak?”

People get offended by damn-near anything these days. You can’t even wear a Halloween costume without offending someone. I believe that within the next few years, even simple concepts like heartbreak will become subject to political correctness. An entire lobby of those who’ve had open-heart surgery will march on college campuses, protesting the concept. I’ll be sure to stock up on whiskey and barf bags on that day.

“Internet porn doesn’t corrupt minds. It just reveals how dirty our imaginations really are and how far we’re willing to go to make them reality.”

Some say that porn corrupts minds. I disagree. I think that’s putting the cart before the horse. Porn exists because people have sexy thoughts. It exists because people get horny and come up with elaborate ways to deal with that horniness. Porn is just one of those ways.

Say what you want about the sheer breadth of internet porn that’s out there. Say even more about the crazy kinds of fetish porn that’s out there as well. It all still pales in comparison to the collective imaginations of our dirty human minds. As an erotica/romance writer, I’m kind of proud of that.

“The fact that a lot of people sound like overtly-excited monkeys when they’re having sex should be proof enough of evolution.”

This is something I like to bring up around creationists. These are already some of the most stubborn, uptight douche-bags on the planet. They’ll never change their minds, no matter how much evidence you throw in their faces.

That’s why when it comes to the noises we make during sex, the pro-science crowd has the edge. Creationists can ignore the fossil record, geology, genetics, and pretty much every other branch of science. When the sounds of crazy fun monkey sex hits them, they can’t ignore it. Science wins on that alone.

“If a man has to ask why women find fire-fighters so sexy, then there’s a good chance he’s out of shape.”

I’m a man, but even I understand that women find fire fighters are sexy as hell. There’s a reason why so many male strippers dress up like fire fighters for their routines. Few things get women’s panties hotter.

For those men who don’t understand the appeal and/or refuse to, I’ve noticed they have a few things in common. Those things become painfully apparent when I ask them about their workout regiment and they give me a blank stare.

It’s not rocket science, guys. Men who take good care of themselves physically and go out of their way for others is really appealing to women. If you need that explained to you, then you’re just being difficult.

“Using certain shampoos and conditioners might as well count as foreplay for your hair.”

I don’t know what the hell happened to hair care products. As a kid, I just used shampoo and that was it. Now, in order to keep your hair full and shiny, you basically have to give it a massage and a happy ending.

I’ve seen woman and men spend a disturbing amount of time and money on their hair. Some people treat their hair as an extension of their genitals. As much as I support foreplay, I think this is taking it too far.

That’s it for now. Until next time, hail to the chief and enjoy the long weekend if you can. Let’s at least try to wait until Tuesday before we go back to being overly political about everything. For the sake of our sanity, let’s just enjoy this government-sanctioned holiday as best we can.

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February 14, 2017 · 5:58 am

Have A Happy (And Sexy) Valentine’s Day!

On behalf of myself and all those who appreciate romance, sexy or otherwise, Happy Valentine’s Day!

I know I’ve made clear in my last few posts that I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day. There are many personal reasons why it’s so hard for me, some of which I’ve even shared. However, being an erotica/romance writer, a part of me does appreciate the love, passion, and sexiness that comes with Valentine’s Day. I just hope I get a chance to share it with someone one day.

For now, I hope all you other lovers out there use this day to celebrate love, hopefully in a way that’s clothing optional. If you need help setting the mood, check out some of my books. I’ve got books that involve intensely passionate romance and books built entirely gratuitous sex. Whoever you are and whatever you romantic situation might be, I have something that should help make your Valentine’s Day special.

Hopefully by this time next year, I’ll have more reasons to celebrate this most romantic of holidays. In the meantime, get out there and get romantic! The world is a better place when there’s more love in it, sexy or otherwise.

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February 12, 2017 · 9:44 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The (Anti) Valentine’s Day Edition

It’s almost here, that most holy of holidays among lovers, fuck buddies, and anyone who signed the necessary legal documents permitting them to have sex without a priest or mullah bitching about it. That’s right, it’s almost Valentine’s Day.

For an aspiring erotica/romance writer, it should be a good day for me. It should be one of those days where I shamelessly promote some of the sexy romance stories I’ve crafted. I mean why wouldn’t a seamy thriller like “Skin Deep” or a steamy romance like “The Escort and the Gigolo” not be appropriate for this most sappy of holidays?

Again, it should be one of those days for me. Sadly, it isn’t. In my experience, Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays that’ll either remind you that you’re lucky enough to have a lover or that you’re unlucky enough to be alone. From the looks of it, this year’s Valentine’s Day will be the former for me.

Yes, it does look like I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day alone again. My only companion will be named Jack Daniels it seems. At least I can say he’s always there for me in my time of need, among other things.

However, I refuse to let my current relationship status or lack thereof keep me from thinking about overtly sexy stuff. I wouldn’t be a very good erotica/romance writer if I weren’t. So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, for both those who love it and those who hate it, I give you another version of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.”

If you have a lover, hopefully they get you in the mood. If you don’t, hopefully it gives you strength to endure this most annoying of holidays. Whether you’re content or miserable, a little sexiness goes a long ways.

Sex and love are two related concepts that work best when the line between the two is hopelessly blurred.

As much as I dislike Valentine’s Day, I am a romantic at heart. I’ve always had a deep affinity for romance. It’s a big reason why I strive to become a successful erotica/romance writer. I know it’s sappy, overplayed, and partially ruined thanks to Twilight, but I still love romance, especially the kind that mixes perfectly with a little sexiness. When put together, they make a damn potent combination.

The fact that we struggle to tell the difference between a horny teenager and a miserable teenager says a lot about why they struggle through high school.

If I’ve said it a billion times, I still haven’t said it enough. Being a teenager sucks. High school sucks. What makes it suck even more is that this is usually the time in our biological life cycle when we’re the most horny. I don’t care how cool you are or how good your grades our. If you’re really horny, you’re going to be miserable.

We’re so goddamn horny, but every PSA and after school special is urging us to never have sex or even think about it. Then, people wonder why teenagers are so miserable in a world of smart phones and bacon-wrapped shrimp. That’s what horniness does to immature minds. It’s just basic biology.

The day men and women achieve true equality is the day calling someone a slut becomes a term of endearment.

I’m not a fan of certain insults. I’m okay with calling someone an asshat or a shithead because they apply equally to both genders and send a clear message. Other insults like slut and whore just don’t work for me because that message isn’t clear.

Most men want women to have sex with us. Most men want them to be willing to get naked. So why create an insult that shames that? We’re not doing our genitals any favors. It’s just as much a problem when women use these insults. They act like wanting to fuck and enjoy toe-curling pleasure is a bad thing. Am I the only one who sees a flaw in that?

The day science perfects the bionic penis is the same day dildo makers start to panic.

Make no mistake, science is working on this and they have made progress. So long as men want to keep improving the function of their dicks, and they have since they first found out that theirs isn’t the biggest, they will pursue a technological enhancement. At some point, science will improve this part of our body, along with many others.

When that day comes, dildo makers will be in trouble. In fact, they may be the first to suffer. Why would women even settle for a lifeless hunk of plastic when there are men with efficient, robust cocks walking around? Be afraid, dildo makers. Be very afraid.

There are disturbingly few differences between politicians and prostitutes, but only one knows how to use their mouth with any skill.

There are any number of jokes we can make about politicians these days, especially after last year’s election. Many of these jokes are funny because they have an uncomfortable amount of truth to them. That’s why I find their similarities to prostitutes so hilarious, albeit in a tragic sort of way.

What sets prostitutes apart is their ability to use their mouths to screw people in ways they actually enjoy. In that respect, they’re far more respectable than almost every politician in the world. Is it any wonder why so many are eager to ban prostitution?

Ten talented fingers will never be a skilled as one experienced tongue.

I know. It’s another thought about sexy tongues. I have a lot of them. I don’t know why, but I’ve always found skilled tongues to be extra sexy. I know there are men and women who put a lot of effort into using their hands, as well as other parts of their body, to the utmost in pleasing a lover.

However, in my experience a tongue just has too much versatility in matters of love and sex. No fingers, or any other body part, can ever hope to match it.

Whoever invented body glitter was either tired of hiding their affairs or just wanted a creative way to brag about how much sex they get.

I really don’t understand the purpose of body glitter. I don’t even understand why it’s a thing. However, I’ve noticed that it’s usually popular with strippers. That indicates to me that there’s a connection that nobody wants to think too much about. Given how one of my books involves strippers, I guess I can’t help but think about it more than most.

Positive thinking doesn’t get you laid, but it keeps your genitals on standby.

Let’s face it. Our minds are way too easy to fool. What else explains the power of the Placebo Effect? As such, why wouldn’t it affect our sex lives in some profound way?

It’s often said that the brain is the most important sex organ in our bodies, or a close second at the very least. That’s why it makes sense to keep it positive and energized. Your genitals and your brain may be at odds sometimes, but they can help each other when the thoughts and situations are just right.

That’s it for now. On behalf of myself and all those who will likely spend Valentine’s Day alone, hang in there. Be strong. Be sexy in your own right. Love will come come and when it does, hopefully you will too.

Yes, that last line is every bit as dirty as you think it is.

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February 5, 2017 · 8:28 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Super Bowl Edition

Today’s the day. The most sacred of games to all sports fans. For some, it’s the alpha and omega of manly competition. For others, it’s just another excuse to drink beer and eat buffalo wings. It’s not exactly sexy, but it’s as big a deal as any holiday where gifts, decorations, and alcohol are involved.

That’s right, it’s Super Bowl Sunday. The Atlanta Falcons and the New England Patriots have fought, clawed, and (in the case of the Patriots) potentially cheated to get to this moment. They endured a rigorous regular season. They made it through the playoffs. Now, this is it. This is the end of the line. It’s the Super Bowl.

It’s a day that reduces many men to the maturity of an 7-year-old watching cartoons on a sugar rush. It’s also a day where some women basically lock their panties, hide the children, and wait out the storm. However, it’s the women bold enough to watch the game alongside the men that help make this day special. To those women, I tip my hat to you.

I’ll certainly be indulging my inner sports fanatic. I’ve got a case of beer, bags of chips, and enough to greasy food to clog my arteries until mid-March. I’m going to have a damn good time.

Before kickoff, though, and before the hangover that’s sure to follow, I’d like to share my Super Bowl edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts. It may not get you in the mood for football, but it’ll get you in a mood. That much, I’m certain of.

Another term for friends with benefits is mutual orgasm exchange.

I’m at all not against the concept of “friends with benefits.” I’m okay with any and all efforts of any two people to freely and responsibly pursue the toe-curling pleasures of intimacy. That said, I think the label is overly coy.

Let’s not mince words or beat around the bush. Aspiring writers, even those who use colorful metaphors for female genitalia, don’t like that. A friend with benefits is partner in a transaction and the currency is orgasms. That’s a hell of a benefit for a hell of a friend.

Eating too much makes you fat, but having sex counts as exercise so it’s possible to balance things out if you’re willing to be that horny.

There’s an ongoing debate about just how many calories that sex burns. Much like food, it depends on the quality and quantity of the goods involved. Whatever the case, sex does get the heart going and that will burn calories. Those who have a hard time holding back at a buffet table may want to keep that in mind when contemplating how they’ll stay in shape. Let’s face it. A rigorous workout through sex beats going to the gym.

In a perfect world, good breath and good oral sex skills would be closely correlated.

We don’t live in a perfect world, I know. Being an aspiring erotica/romance writer, it’s only natural to contemplate just how amazing such a world would be. For a sexy mind like mine, that world means those generous enough to give oral sex are rewarded beyond the satisfaction of pleasing their partner.

I don’t know what good breath from oral sex might smell like. For men, maybe it’s a mix of rose petals and lavender. For women, maybe it’s a mix of mint, sea salt, and taffy. It’s sad we don’t live in a world where we can find out, but it’s still fun to contemplate.

Money can’t buy happiness directly. But since it can buy prostitutes and prostitutes give orgasms, then it’s logical to say it can buy happiness indirectly.

Prostitution is a controversial issue for men and women alike. It always has been. They don’t just call it the world’s oldest profession because it caters to one of the oldest demands, although that is a big part of it.

Controversy or not, at its core, prostitutes deliver a certain brand of direct happiness to their customers. It’s all for a price and, regardless of how costly it is or what act is involved, that transaction occurs out of a desire for that happiness. For those prostitutes who do their job and do their job well, they are proof that money can truly buy happiness.

Woman have had it rough over the years, but they’ll never know the agonizing strain of having to hide a boner during gym class in high school.

Women, I know you deal with a lot of issues. Some are so serious that you have to hold big marches to raise awareness. I’m not undercutting the importance of these struggles. They are worth fighting for.

That said, a woman will never know the struggle men face in hiding awkward erections. Talk to any man who survived high school. They’ll talk about having to conceal awkward boners as if they were war stories. It’s more harrowing than it sounds.

It’s not that some people just hate dancing. They just know that they dance in a way that makes everyone around them less horny.

I’m not a dancer. I’ve never been big on dancing unless I have a significant amount of alcohol in my system. I get criticism every now and then for my reluctance to dance. I think there are many men and women in the same boat as me who avoid it not because we’re bad at it. It just sends the wrong message to those we’re trying to impress. Bad dancing is right up there with projectile vomit in terms of things that kill the mood.

For a man, true love is never having to apologize to his partner when he cops a feel.

I’m a romantic at heart. That’s not just because I write erotica/romance either. A part of me purrs like a kitten in a yarn factory when I contemplate the beauty of true love. There are all sorts of magical elements to it. Being able to cop a feel is one of the more underrated aspects of love. I think it deserves more recognition. To those of you with lovers, I hope you make this part of your Valentine’s Day celebration.

Softcore porn is like cake with no icing. It’s still pretty damn good, but not as good as we wish it were.

There’s a near infinite variety of porn. Some involve bondage. Some involve elaborate costumes. Some involve clown makeup and will give most people nightmares for the rest of their lives. That variety, like the kinds of chocolate, are a big part of what makes life worth living.

Then, there’s softcore porn. Anyone who has ever stayed up late to watch Cinemax knows what I’m talking about. It has almost everything we want in porn, except the really tasty bits. Much like a cake, we’ll still eat it without the icing. We’ll even enjoy it. It’s just that we really want that icing.

There you have it. Hope that gets everyone in the mood. Enjoy the big game!

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