Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Presidents Day Edition

In past years, President’s Day hasn’t been that big a deal. For the most part, it’s just another excuse for stores to have big sales and for government employees to have another day off work. I miss those days. They were good times.

Now, thanks to last year’s election, anything involving the President or the government is likely to spark a fist fight, Twitter war, or rampant Nazi accusations. I’ve no desire to get into those kinds of conflicts. I get enough of that debating comic books online.

With that in mind, I’d like to dedicate this edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to those simpler times when the most controversy that came out of the White House involved interns, cigars, and ominous white stains. I know there’s a lot of tension in the world. I know there are hashtags, flame wars, and fake news that are enraging entire populations. I’d rather not add to any of it.

Now I’m still all for elevating the passions of others, but only the sexy kind. That’s what my weekly “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” posts are all about. So please, if only for a little while, take a break from lamenting over the endless rivers of political bullshit and enjoy these sexy insights from an aspiring erotica/romance writer.

“A weak man has to demand sex. A real man makes women want to give him sex.”

This is a lesson that all parents should teach their sons. At some point, he’s going to want to get laid. You can’t expect him to learn the particulars on his own, especially if you live in Texas. That’s why, for his sake and the women he beds, it’s important to teach him what it means to be a man.

That means earning his way into a woman’s panties, not demanding it. In my experience, and from what I’ve observed, there a lot of testosterone-laden asshats who think they have to demand sex to get it. A lot of them have rich parents, no sense of humor, and poor hygiene.

Those men rarely get as much sex as they want. For the real men, however, they find ways to make women eager, willing, and happy to enter his bed. That, my friends is the mark of a true man.

“It’s somewhat distressing that women’s criteria for a good husband isn’t very different from that of a butler. It’s even more distressing that a man’s criteria for a good wife isn’t that different from that of a mother.”

Think for a moment about the demanding criteria some women place on prospective spouses. They want someone who will provide, serve, and satisfy. How is that different from a butler? That list is uncomfortably short.

It’s even more uncomfortable when you look at the criteria men want in their wives. They want a woman who will cook, clean, and care for children. The lack of difference between wives and mother should be enough to make any man a little uncomfortable.

“Do those who’ve endured open-heart surgery find it offensive when others talk about the pain of heartbreak?”

People get offended by damn-near anything these days. You can’t even wear a Halloween costume without offending someone. I believe that within the next few years, even simple concepts like heartbreak will become subject to political correctness. An entire lobby of those who’ve had open-heart surgery will march on college campuses, protesting the concept. I’ll be sure to stock up on whiskey and barf bags on that day.

“Internet porn doesn’t corrupt minds. It just reveals how dirty our imaginations really are and how far we’re willing to go to make them reality.”

Some say that porn corrupts minds. I disagree. I think that’s putting the cart before the horse. Porn exists because people have sexy thoughts. It exists because people get horny and come up with elaborate ways to deal with that horniness. Porn is just one of those ways.

Say what you want about the sheer breadth of internet porn that’s out there. Say even more about the crazy kinds of fetish porn that’s out there as well. It all still pales in comparison to the collective imaginations of our dirty human minds. As an erotica/romance writer, I’m kind of proud of that.

“The fact that a lot of people sound like overtly-excited monkeys when they’re having sex should be proof enough of evolution.”

This is something I like to bring up around creationists. These are already some of the most stubborn, uptight douche-bags on the planet. They’ll never change their minds, no matter how much evidence you throw in their faces.

That’s why when it comes to the noises we make during sex, the pro-science crowd has the edge. Creationists can ignore the fossil record, geology, genetics, and pretty much every other branch of science. When the sounds of crazy fun monkey sex hits them, they can’t ignore it. Science wins on that alone.

“If a man has to ask why women find fire-fighters so sexy, then there’s a good chance he’s out of shape.”

I’m a man, but even I understand that women find fire fighters are sexy as hell. There’s a reason why so many male strippers dress up like fire fighters for their routines. Few things get women’s panties hotter.

For those men who don’t understand the appeal and/or refuse to, I’ve noticed they have a few things in common. Those things become painfully apparent when I ask them about their workout regiment and they give me a blank stare.

It’s not rocket science, guys. Men who take good care of themselves physically and go out of their way for others is really appealing to women. If you need that explained to you, then you’re just being difficult.

“Using certain shampoos and conditioners might as well count as foreplay for your hair.”

I don’t know what the hell happened to hair care products. As a kid, I just used shampoo and that was it. Now, in order to keep your hair full and shiny, you basically have to give it a massage and a happy ending.

I’ve seen woman and men spend a disturbing amount of time and money on their hair. Some people treat their hair as an extension of their genitals. As much as I support foreplay, I think this is taking it too far.

That’s it for now. Until next time, hail to the chief and enjoy the long weekend if you can. Let’s at least try to wait until Tuesday before we go back to being overly political about everything. For the sake of our sanity, let’s just enjoy this government-sanctioned holiday as best we can.

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