Tag Archives: sex jokes

February 18, 2018 · 8:13 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Valentine’s Day Recovery Edition

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By now, I hope everyone has had enough time to recover from Valentine’s Day. Whether it’s from reminders of how much being lonely sucks or serious rug burns from excessive lovemaking, I hope everyone has healed up. If Hallmark wants more of our money, they’ll just have to wait until Mother’s Day.

I like to think I’ve gotten better at handling Valentine’s Day alone. Thanks largely to the loving support of my friends and family, especially my awesome mother, I don’t get as miserable or depressed as I used to. Don’t get me wrong. I still want to find love one day. Until that day comes, though, I’m content knowing that I can handle being single.

In the meantime, there are still plenty of other meaningful ways to celebrate love. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I certainly intend to do my part. I’ve got plenty of sexy stories to tell, both with the upcoming release of “Rescued Hearts” and my sexy short stories.

That said, I totally understand if certain people are just plain burned out on love and romance right now. To those people, I say take all the time you need. Let this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts get you back into a less Hallmark-driven mindset. Enjoy!

“There’s no polite way to ask a friend for money for the same reason there’s no polite way to ask a lover for anal.”

“A lover’s willingness to be intimate with their partner is directly proportional to their willingness to mix their laundry.”

“Sometimes using a vibrator during sex is akin to using cheat code. Other times, it’s more like having extra tools to make the job easier.”

“Pulling a muscle during sex is like getting a flat tire. You can still move forward, but you’re risking more damage by doing so.”

“A person who invents a better smartphone will never create as much joy as someone who invents better lube.”

“When you think about it, an orgy is just the sexual equivalent of binge-watching.”

“For some people, talking dirty during sex is the difference between a T-bone steak and an under-cooked hot dog.”

For those of us who are still single, take comfort. You’ve survived another Valentine’s Day. For those who are in relationships, take comfort as well. You also survived another Valentine’s Day. It can be an arduous effort for both, but it’s one that’s worth enduring. We all need to make time for love. If that means enriching executives at Hallmark once a year, so be it.

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February 11, 2018 · 8:13 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Tropical Longing Edition

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It’s early February and in addition to me lamenting another Valentine’s Day spent alone, this is also the time of year when I sincerely wish I lived in a more tropical climate. I actually have a few friends and relatives who live in Florida and never have to wear more than a light sweatshirt when they go outside. They just love rubbing that in my face every chance they get.

While that sort of sentiment is annoying, it still inspires me to long for warmer, sexier climate. It also inspires me to start planning my vacations for the spring and summer. I made a big deal out of the wonderful time I had at the beach last year. I intend to risk more sun burn and do it again.

Unfortunately, I still have to make it through a few more weeks of winter. If the forecast from this year’s Groundhog Day is any indication, then it’s going to be a longer wait than usual. That’s just going to give my friends and relatives more reasons to rub their tropical lifestyle in my face.

I can’t do much about the weather, but I can make the wait easier. In my experience, few things warm the body and soul up better than some sexy musings. That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those longing for time in a tropical climate. Trust me, you’re not alone in this sentiment.

“Men can never compete sexually with experienced lesbians because fingers and tongues don’t get flaccid.”

“A man has no idea how much he hates his own gender until he has a hot daughter.”

“Being able to cook doesn’t inherently make a person sexier, but great sex rarely occur on an empty stomach.”

“Sharing is caring, but humping is more rewarding.”

“The dedication of a lover is directly proportional to how willing they are to be in the same room when you’re throwing up.”

“Having a toned ass is like having a powerful engine. You rarely need that kind of power, but you like to know you can use it at some point.”

“Is it possible that some sluts are just being extra thorough in vetting their options?”

These sorts of sexy sentiments may not deliver the same feeling we get when we lay on a tropical beach under the warm mid-day sun, but I hope it reminds us why those feelings are so special. I’m already done with cold weather. I still hope to spend time in a tropical setting at some point this year. I encourage everyone else to do so and enjoy all the sexy thoughts that come with it.

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February 4, 2018 · 8:06 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Super Bowl LII Edition

The wait is finally over. Today is the day. Super Bowl LII, also known as beer and buffalo wing appreciation day, has finally arrived. It’s the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles. If you’re a football fan, you don’t need much to get excited about today.

I’m not going to lie. Neither team playing is my favorite team. In fact, I actively rooted against these teams at multiple points during the regular season and the playoffs. It’s not just because I didn’t pick either team to make it this far. I have my own team loyalties that I take almost as seriously as my sexy stories. This Super Bowl doesn’t change that.

Never-the-less, I’m still a big football fan. I love watching football and I love watching big games with high stakes. You can’t get much bigger than the Super Bowl. Between the stakes, the commercials, and the halftime show, it’s a wonderful spectacle that I enjoy every year. Plus, I can never have too many excuses to drink beer and eat buffalo wings.

Whether you’re a Patriots fan, an Eagles fan, or despise both teams, the Super Bowl is the alpha and omega of all things football. I intend to enjoy it. I also have some Sexy Sunday Thoughts that I hope will make the wait easier between now and the opening kickoff.


“Exercises that mimic humping send mixed signals, but health benefits go beyond muscle tone.”

“The fact that celibacy is treated as a virtue while anorexia is treated as a disease highlights the breadth of our sexual hang-ups.”

“Does the pain of childbirth and the pleasure of orgasms require that all women be masochistic on some levels?”

“It’s physically impossible to tell a tragic story that ends in two people giving each other oral sex.”

“Too many sitcoms give the impression that our neighbors are hot, single, and eager to bone.”

“Afterglow is the sexual equivalent of a post-credits scene for a movie in that it can preview a sequel or add something extra to the experience.”

“If sex is like chocolate, then foreplay is like the hot melted fudge.”

I hope this gets everyone excited for the big game, among other things. Regardless of who wins, the Super Bowl is a major cultural event. Even if you just watch it for the commercials , it’s an event worth appreciating. It’s the culmination of America’s favorite sport. Let’s enjoy it for what it is and spend every other day of the year angrily envying Tom Brady.

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January 28, 2018 · 8:07 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Steamy Hot Shower Edition

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I don’t know why, but a hot shower in the middle of winter is uniquely satisfying. Actually, I take that back. I know exactly why it’s so satisfying, but it’s one of those things that makes too much sense to scrutinize. I know the human race can’t agree on much, but I think we all appreciate that special feeling that comes with taking a hot, steamy shower on a bitter-cold day.

I’m usually pretty quick and efficient with my showers. As much as I enjoy being naked, I’m not one of those guys who lingers in a shower longer than he has to. It’s not just because I prefer to save money on my water bill. I’m just a guy who likes to get clean, get sexy, and then get to work. I’ve got sexy stories to write and sexy thoughts to share, damn it.

During this time of year, though, when it’s colder than a penguin’s ass, I let myself linger. Few things are more relaxing than walking in from the bitter cold, stripping off all the layers I’ve had on for most of the day, and stepping into a steaming hot shower. It’s one of the most satisfying things I can do for my body that doesn’t involve a naked woman.

I’m sure others share my sentiment on the joys of hot, steamy showers in the middle of winter. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to that special feeling we all enjoy during these coldest of days. They may not be as comforting or relaxing as a nice, steamy shower, but I’ll gladly make the effort.

“A man with strong fingers and a woman with soft lips lay a solid foundation for a passionate relationship.”

“Too many men and women think about their wedding night the same way rookie athletes think about their first championship.”

“The passion of great sex is directly proportional to the need to wash the bed sheets the next morning.”

“Men who have orgasms during foreplay are premature, but women who have them are just enthusiastic.”

“Having sex while drunk is like cooking while blindfolded. You can still do it, but the results can be messy.”

“A boring sex life is like eating fries without ketchup. You can still stomach it, but it’s not nearly as appetizing.”

“A quickie is the sexual equivalent of a hot pocket in that it’s basic, but still gets the job done.”

I hope that makes everyone’s next hot shower that much more enjoyable. There are many ways to endure the cold weather this time of year. Some are sexier than others. Since not everybody has a lover who can help them realize some of those ways, I say a nice, hot shower is something we can all appreciate.

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January 14, 2018 · 7:47 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Dreamer Edition

We all have dreams. Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. Some of them are sexy, which really helps when you’re an aspiring erotica/romance writer. Some people, however, are more ambitious with those dreams. Tomorrow, we’ll be celebrating one of those dreams from a very important dreamer.

Yes, I’m talking about the dream of Martin Luther King Jr. I admit it’s not the sexiest dream with which to build my weekly Sexy Sunday Thoughts, but it damn well ought to be. Certain dreams have a power that transcends sex appeal. They seek to go beyond simply tolerating one another and daring to love one another.

That was one of the most profound aspects of Dr. King’s message. He dared to channel love over hatred. He dared to dream of a world where people of all races and creeds shared in that love. The unapologetic romance fan in me can’t help but admire that dream. It’s one that I believe is worth celebrating.

Regardless of how you feel about Martin Luther King Jr. or his dream, his belief in love is something that’s worth celebrating. It’s also something that deserves a unique kind of sex appeal. As such, I’m proud to dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to that move loving of dreams.

“There’s no such thing as a bad day that begins or ends with a blowjob.”

“Undressing someone with your eyes is just a less invasive form of foreplay.”

“Too much adrenaline during sex is like too much alcohol before riding a roller coaster. It’s bound to be messier than usual.”

“Trying to find a good spouse at a strip club is like trying to find a porn star without any tattoos in that it’s not impossible, but exceedingly difficult.”

“A bad pickup artist is the sexual equivalent of a telemarketer.”

“The natural sex appeal of a woman is directly proportional to how good she looks in a dirty hoodie.”

“The line between a sex addict and an orgasm enthusiast is exceedingly blurred.”

I hope these sexy musings help inspire greater dreams, among other things. Now more than ever, we should dare to dream of a sexier, more loving world. Whether it’s through writing sexy novels or using love to combat hate, that’s a dream worth pursuing and in the spirit of Dr. King, I urge everyone to dream big.

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January 7, 2018 · 8:32 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Polar Vortex Edition

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It’s a brand new year and some people are still adjusting to it all. For some, though, they have to do so in some of the most bone-chilling, ball-shriveling weather of the year. As I write this, there’s a big ball of winter’s worst cold hovering over my region. It has really tested my fondness for sleeping naked.

Winter is definitely here and some have argued that it’s the least sexy time of the year. I would tend to agree with that point, if only because it’s hard to wear a bikini or a speedo in sub-freezing weather. That’s not to say there’s no inherent sexiness during this time of year. There certainly is. One of my novels, “Holiday Heat,” is even built around it.

Even in those sexy situations, though, there comes a point where it’s just so cold that it’s hard to think many sexy thoughts. It’s a challenge, even for me, but it’s one I’m more than up for.

So, with the help of some extra hot chocolate and multiple layers of clothing, I’m going to warm myself up as best I can to share a fresh round of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” I’m sure there are more than a few people out there already missing the warm summer breezes from the beach. I hope these sexy thoughts will help get you through the coming weeks.

“Nobody can claim they’re truly comfortable in someone else’s home until they’ve had sex and/or masturbated in it.”

“Pity sex is like cold pizza in that it’s not ideal, but still satisfies.”

“When you think about it, every great leader in history would’ve also made an great dominatrix.”

“Is morning wood just a man’s penis trying to be proactive?”

“Good meals and good sex leave you equally tired, but only one requires someone to clean dishes.”

“When you think about it, laws against prostitution are just laws against unsanctioned orgasms.”

“The clitoris is the closest thing a woman has to a volume knob, but testicles are the closest thing men have to an off-switch.”

I hope that warms everyone up a bit. I imagine more hot cocoa and long underwear will be necessary in the days to come, but we can’t let cold weather completely numb our sexiness. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I intend to do my part. If I can help keep people warm until bikini/speedo weather returns, then I’ll know I’ve done my job.

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December 31, 2017 · 8:58 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: New Years Eve Edition

Another year has come and another year has gone. Time sure flies when you’re having fun, writing about sexy topics, and writing sexy novels. I’m not complaining, though. I like to think I’ve made the most of 2017. Sure, there are things I’d have done differently or better, but I’m content with how I’ve handled this year.

Now, I’m ready to look ahead to 2018. I’m already thinking about my goals, my hopes, and my methods for achieving both. Every year brings new challenges and you can’t always be sexy in confronting those challenges. You sure as hell can make an effort, though. I hope I’ve proven with this blog over the past year that I am willing to make that effort.

I’ll have plenty more to announce and discuss, with respect to my plans for 2018. For now, my main focus will be promoting my next novel, “Rescued Hearts,” which is still set for release in February. I’ve also got a few other manuscripts I’d like to push throughout 2018. Hopefully, those efforts will bear fruit and I’ll add even more to the sex appeal of this blog.

Before we can get to that point, though, let’s enjoy what remains of 2017. It was a challenging, but eventful year. I won’t say whether it was good or bad. Only hindsight from the distant future can make that assessment. I’ll just say that it did have a few things worth celebrating. As such, this final edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts is to the year that was and the year we hope to forge in 2018.

“Being in a relationship is like being on a team in that you can’t win a championship without one, but you’ll get disqualified and penalized if you cheat with an opponent.”

“Looking for a woman’s G-spot is like looking for a cheat code in a video game that may or may not exist.”

“Few people are more conflicted than a nudist with a bad case of the chills.”

“The idea that seeing is believing has been greatly complicated by the invention of fake tits.”

“A multi-orgasmic woman is the video game equivalent of a girlfriend on easy mode.”

“Does a man or woman sleeping with their partner’s siblings count as family bonding?”

“A free spirit is a slut who’s nice and generous about it.”

I hope everyone has a chance to do something fun and special to celebrate the end of 2017. Even if this year sucked for you, let this night act as a step forward into something better. In the same way I’m never satisfied with the sexiness of a scene in one of my novels, we should never be satisfied with the outcome of a single year. I believe that, together, we can make 2018 better and sexier than any before it.

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December 17, 2017 · 7:33 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Spiked Eggnog Edition

I love the holidays. I love everything about them. I always have, from my playful childhood to my awkward teenage years to my sexier adult years. From the presents to the decorations to the constant debate over whether “Die Hard” qualifies as a Christmas movie, there’s so much about the holidays to love.

One aspect of the holidays that didn’t really appeal to me until later in life involved eggnog. Honestly, I thought the stuff looked disgusting, as a kid. Then again, I also thought coffee looked disgusting and now my coffee maker is basically my morning shrine. In that sense, I’m not too surprised that I developed a taste for it, especially after I found out you could spike it with whiskey.

It’s especially tasty after that first blast of winter weather, which came earlier than I expected/hoped this year. As I write this, it’s colder than Ann Coulter’s soul outside. For someone who enjoys sleeping naked, that’s kind of a problem and eggnog spiked with a little whiskey goes a long way towards keeping me warm.

Sure, it does other things too and yes, those things are also enjoyable in their own right. They’re just that much more enjoyable when it doubles as a practical method of staying warm. I know eggnog, especially the spiked variety, isn’t for everyone. For those who see it as a legitimate way of staying warm during the holidays, this week’s edition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” is for you.

“It’s both ironic and fitting that men learn often learn the hardest lessons because of or in spite of erections.” 

“Most children weren’t effected by cartoon violence growing up, but those that were should probably stay away from porn.”

“When you think about it, exercise is an investment and more sex is the dividend payment.” 

“Eating and masturbating don’t need to be taught, but like table manners, a little etiquette makes a difference.”

“Having multiple techniques in foreplay is like having a good vocabulary. It’ll help you navigate certain situations in a more productive manner.”

“The fact that an average-looking woman can get sex easier than a moderately attractive man is a testament to the horniness disparity between genders.”

“A lack of options in sex can inspire/require a more robust imagination.”

I hope this helps keep everyone a little warmer and makes the alcohol-laced eggnog taste a little sweeter. There are certain seasonal drinks that are special because we save them for one particular part of the year. When it’s freezing cold outside and you want to curl up with a sexy novel under your Christmas tree, a stiff drink and a light buzz goes a long way to keeping you warm, among other things.

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December 3, 2017 · 8:12 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Holiday Shopping Edition

By now, everyone should be done digesting their Thanksgiving dinner, as well as any leftovers. If not, those leftovers have probably gone bad and I wouldn’t advise trying to digest them at this point. That holiday is over now. It’s time to move onto the next big event. This one doesn’t just involve gut-busting food or eggnog spiced with whiskey. This one involves decorations, lights, and shopping.

That’s right. Christmas is upon us. Kids wait eagerly for this month every year. Adults wait for it too, if only to see the holiday specials they loved as kids. I admit it. I still watch those specials. I still love them. However, what I love more about this time of year is the shopping.

Yes, I’m a man. Yes, I love shopping. No, I’m not going to apologize for it. That should explain why I love Christmas more than most. Ask anyone who has known me for more than a year and they’ll tell you the same thing. I love Christmas and I love shopping for presents.

That may not be very sexy, even for an aspiring erotica/romance writer. Then again, I did write a holiday-themed sexy novel called “Holiday Heat” so I think I deserve an exception. I still stand by it, though. Shopping during the holidays is one of my favorite activities that I can’t legally do naked.

I don’t know how many feel the same, especially among my male audience. However large or small it is, I’m still dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to holiday shopping. Your wallet may hate you, but other parts of your body will thank you later.

“Who among us hasn’t accidentally dripped melted chocolate on a beautiful woman’s cleavage, just to watch her lick it up?”

“Time moves so slow watching your lover strip, frustratingly fast once they get in bed, and not slow enough when the afterglow settles in.”

“No epic romance begins with a poop joke, but many endure because of them.”

“A sexy accent is a good substitute for men too cheap to buy cologne.”

“Assuming someone is good at oral sex is as foolish as assuming a plumber is good at brain surgery.”

“True love is a man who doesn’t lose his erection when his lover accidentally farts.”

“It takes balls to get the love of your life, but it also takes a willingness to let someone else hold them an uncomfortably strong grip.”

Whether you love or hate holiday shopping, this is the time to get started. This is the time to be proactive and finish it off quickly. I made sure mine was done before the end of November. Now, I can just sit back, sip some eggnog, and enjoy Christmas specials for the rest of December. It’s a damn good feeling and I hope others get to enjoy it as well.

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November 26, 2017 · 7:26 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Leftover Turkey Edition

I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m still stuffed from my Thanksgiving meal. Even though I make a concerted effort to be healthy, I tend to throw all that health-conscious discipline out for the holidays. Between turkey, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, cheesecake, and early Christmas cookies, I think an exception is plenty warranted.

I make no bones about it. I love Thanksgiving. Sure, it’s not the sexiest holiday, if only because you spend most of it with family. It doesn’t have to be, though. When a holiday is built around food, family, and football, it has everything it needs to be special in its own right.

Even after Thanksgiving is over, it still finds a way to keep giving in the form of leftovers. When prepared right, they can make Thanksgiving meals feel even bigger. For those ditching the food coma for Black Friday shopping, you kind of need the extra calories. You’ll get plenty of that with leftover turkey sandwiches.

Since I’m still digesting large parts of my holiday dinner and enjoying a fair amount of leftovers, I’m dedicating these Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those delicious leftovers that’ll keep our holidays spirits strong until Christmas, among other things.

“What’s more disturbing? The way people use anal beads or the idea that inspired their creation?”

“The measure of a man should NOT just be measured by the company he keeps, but by the amount of lovers he can satisfy.”

“A massage is like icing. It’s not necessary to make something great, but most people prefer a generous amount of it to enhance the experience.”  

“A man does not know true conflict until he has accidentally ingested both laxatives and boner pills.”

“Premature ejaculation is God’s way of letting a man know that he’s probably better off just cuddling.”

“When you think about it, panties are like fancy wrapping paper for a man’s favorite gift.”

“A one night stand is not all that different from a trial period for a porn site.”

I hope everyone makes good use of their leftovers, if they have any. In my experience, very little gets done, sexy or otherwise, on an empty stomach. That’s what makes Thanksgiving so great. Even if being stuffed doesn’t feel very sexy, filling one important survival need goes a long way towards helping with filling other, sexier needs.

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