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November 5, 2017 · 8:42 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Leftover Candy Edition

Has everyone recovered from their sugar rush yet? Has everyone seen enough kids in Wonder Woman costumes for one lifetime? That last one is a trick question. You can never see too many kids wearing a Wonder Woman costume. It’s just one of those inherently wonderful things that makes the world a better place.

Halloween has come and gone once more. That means most malls and shopping centers are putting up their Christmas decorations as I type these words. I’m totally okay with that. I’ve gotten in the habit of putting my decorations up obscenely early as well. If the malls can get away with it, why can’t I?

As we’re all contemplating and/or fuming about the prospect of seeing Christmas decorations while we’re still picking candy wrappers out of our couch cushions, let’s take one last moment to reflect on the sexy fun we had on Halloween. We got costumes, candy, and beautiful women wearing sexy costumes. In terms of holidays, we all win.

So as you’re cleaning up the zombie puke, take this time to enjoy your leftover candy while I share my latest round of Sexy Sunday Thoughts. It won’t the sugar less healthier, but thinking sexy thoughts while eating candy is one of those underrated feelings that we can all enjoy.

“The consummation of a marriage is just a fancy term for church-sanctioned sex.”

“In order for a prostitute to be good at their job, they have to work hard. However, working hard also means playing hard so does that make the job itself a paradox?”

“Is it possible that the size of cucumbers is a by-product of horny women and/or gay men who were really into gardening?”

“Masturbation is a skill that rarely needs to be taught, but still needs to be honed for maximum benefit.”

“A person’s stubbornness is inversely proportional to how many sex positions they’re willing to try.”

“Delaying an orgasm comes closest to matching the frustration that comes with traffic jams.”

“Too much speed can destroy lives on the highway and ruin the mood in the bedroom.”

For those of you who still have spare candy out there, make sure it doesn’t go to waste. There just some things you don’t throw away, like money, food, and free blowjobs. I would put leftover candy on that list as well. Scary movies and vampire costumes have their place, but candy is delicious on every day.

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October 29, 2017 · 7:08 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Halloween 2017 Edition

There are certain holidays that will always be underrated. Say what you will about Halloween, offensive costumes, or the unhealthy consequences of eating too much candy. It’s still a damn good holiday that children and adults, alike, can enjoy in their own unique way.

Honestly, my appreciation of Halloween didn’t really take hold until college when I learned that young, horny women don’t need many excuses to dress up in a slutty costume. That’s when I realized that Halloween isn’t just a kids holiday or a reason to watch slasher movies. There’s a fun, sexy spirit to it all and I say it’s worth celebrating.

I’ve praised the sex appeal of Halloween in the past. I intend to keep praising it every year, for as long as beautiful women take advantage of the opportunity to dress sexy and enjoy the fun. Society gives us precious few opportunities to enjoy our sexy side in a way that won’t get us arrested or shamed. Let’s use them while we can.

Halloween is just a few days away so work up an appetite for both candy and sex appeal. Hopefully, this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts can get you in the Halloween spirit.

“Nobody can truly call themselves a genius until they’ve convinced their lover that giving oral sex has health benefits.”

“Those who oppose contraception for subverting the natural breeding process must REALLY hate World of Warcraft for doing the same thing.”

“Are men who lie about the size of their dicks any more dishonest than women who wear push-up bras?”

“Learning about sex from a celibate priest is like learning about computers from the Amish.”

“Talk is cheap, but the value of dirty talk during sex is exceedingly under-valued.”

“A gigolo who doesn’t have sex with clients is basically a butler.”

“Most people hate micromanaging, but tend to make exceptions when it comes to orgasms.”

I hope this inspires everyone to get out there, put on the sexiest costume you can legally wear, and celebrate Halloween in your own special way. Dine on buckets of candy. Drink bottles of pumpkin-flavored alcohol. Take advantage of the fact that for one night, we can get away with dressing in ridiculously sexy outfits and ask strangers for candy. In terms of holidays, you really can’t lose.

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October 22, 2017 · 8:59 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Raking Leaves Edition

I tend to have mixed feelings about fall. On one hand, I love sexy Halloween costumes and pumpkin spice lattes. On the other, I hate having to dress in layers and not being able lounge around naked. Until I can sell enough sexy novels to retire in a tropical climate, my feelings will likely remain mixed.

One other thing that adds to that mixed sentiment is the prospect of raking leaves. I happen to live in a part of the country that has beautiful fall foliage, but requires a lot of messy yard maintenance. In fact, I’m convinced that part of the reason anyone has kids in this part of the country is to help them do dishes and rake leaves.

I remember many exhausting weekends in my youth, toiling in my yard and raking bags upon bags of leaves. There was just no end to it. Other than scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, I can’t think of a more frustrating chore.

So to those who despise raking leaves as much as I do, I dedicate this week’s edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to those who share in the soreness. Every chore is agonizing, to some extent. Some are just more agonizing than others. It’s those laborious moments when we need some sexy sentiments the most.

“Every great hero often begins their pursuit of greatness with an elaborate effort to get laid.”

“No relationship can hope to survive when two people cannot agree on the settings for the thermostat.”

“The prevalence of both circumcision and the human race is proof that even unwilling mutilation is not enough to stop legions of horny men.”

“The best hope any man has at getting a blowjob from a millennial woman is to make their semen taste like a latte.”

“Casual sex is like a Hot Pocket. Making love is like caviar. Angry make-up sex is like leftover pizza. All are delicious in their own special way.”

“Thanks to the invention of smartphones, there are probably more images of genitalia circulating today than there has ever been at any point in human history.”

“Wit and charm are just coy descriptions of a man who avoids saying things that immediately kill a woman’s sex drive.”

I hope these sexy sentiments make your back less sore when clearing your yard. Maybe one day I’ll make enough money from my sexy novels to pay people and/or robots to rake my leaves for me. Until that day comes, I’ll just use it as an excuse to work up a good sweat, feel extra sexy, and channel that into my next novel. In the end, everyone wins.

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October 15, 2017 · 8:42 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Pumpkin Spice Edition

I have a confession to make. I worry that it may make some think less of me and for a man who often talks about sex robots and sleeping naked, that’s saying something. However, for the sake of entertaining my readers and being wholly transparent, I’ll make it anyways.

I love pumpkin spice lattes.

There, I said it. The secret is out. I, Jack Fisher, love pumpkin spice and all the seasonal delights that comes with it. Call it a quirk. Call it shameless adherence to marketing trends. I don’t care. I know it has become cool in recent years to make fun of them, but that doesn’t make them any less delicious.

It’s the middle of October. There are a lot of pumpkin-themed gimmicks going around. Sure, some of it is bland marketing, but why is that a bad thing? If it looks festive, smells good, and tastes good, why not enjoy it? I certainly do. As I write this, I have a pumpkin spice latte right in front of me and I will not apologize for it.

Whether you love them or hate them, pumpkin spice is here to help us usher in the fall. It’ll likely remain until we’re too bloated from Thanksgiving dinner to care. Until that time, though, I’ll be enjoying them as much as I can. As such, I dedicate this week’s edition of “Sexy Sunday Thoughts” to all things pumpkin spice. I hope it’s equally delicious.

“The sexually repressed who love to slut shame others are the radical vegans of sex.”

“A man who goes shopping with his wife to buy something other than sexy lingerie isn’t whipped. He’s in love.”

“If women graded men’s performance during sex, then a lot more would be inclined to study in anticipation of exams and pop quizzes.”

“Celibacy isn’t the same as anorexia in that it won’t kill you, but you’ll be less inclined to care that you’re dying.”

“Sex within a successful marriage is like re-watching your favorite movie. Sex within an unsuccessful marriage is like only eating leftovers.”

“The extent of someone’s horniness is directly proportional to their willingness to use their tongue.”

“When you think about it, doing something with your lover that kills the mood is the same as doing something with your computer that causes the screen to freeze.”

While I don’t doubt I’ll keep getting crap for my love of all things pumpkin spice, I still intend to enjoy it as much as I can. Like Christmas turkey, 4th of July barbecue, or bikinis in summer, it’s a seasonal treat worth appreciating. Like finding a wad of cash in your jacket or getting an extra lap dance, who doesn’t enjoy a rare treat?

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October 8, 2017 · 8:56 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Cosplayer Edition

Greetings and excelsior, as Stan “The Man” Lee would say. That feels like the best possible way I can cap off a week that involved a trip to New York Comic Con 2017. If it sounds like I’m still bathing in afterglow, like a Disney princess on her honeymoon, I’m not apologizing. That’s how it feels to visit New York Comic Con.

The sights, the sounds, and the experience are special to the hearts of every comic book fan, pop culture vulture, and people who just need an excuse to dress up in sexy costumes. It’s like a party where you know other people share your interests and you don’t have to be shy talking about them. I won’t say it’s the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had, but it’s definitely in the top 10.

Naturally, I saw some amazing sights, many of them sexy to no end. I will cherish these sights and memories for years to come, or at least until I go back next year. In the meantime, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the wonders I experienced at the New York Comic Con.

Also, if you’re one of the sexy cosplayers who helped make the whole show a spectacle, I’d like to especially thank you. You make the world a better, sexier place.

“A honeymoon is basically a state/church-sanctioned vacation where you’re allowed to have sex without getting shamed for it.”

“Morning wood would be much more useful for women if semen had the same nutritional value as a latte.”

“The fact that women take pride in being able to give birth while men take pride in being able to pee while standing up is proof that there will always be gender inequality.”

“Seeing is believing works well with basic logic, but has a mixed track record when it comes to fake tits.”

“People who name their own genitals may be insecure, but those who let others name their genitals have to have a lot of confidence.”

“The idea of faking it until you make it may work with success, but not for orgasms.”

“Other than children, the greatest gift a wife can give her husband is permission to watch porn without stigma.”

Once again, I thank New York Comic Con and all the amazing cosplayers who make it awesome. Whether you’re elaborate, sexy, or creative with your costume, you show your passion in ways that any comic book fan or aspiring erotica/romance writer can appreciate. I look forward to sharing that passion at many future comic cons.

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October 1, 2017 · 8:55 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Date Night Edition

In general, having great sex and maintaining a strong romance are similar in that there’s no one right way to do it. What works for one person or might not work for another. What’s quirky for one couple might be mundane for another. Love is a diverse, erratic, and beautiful thing. Like flowers in a garden, it blooms in many ways.

That said, there are some methods that have been scientifically proven, to some extent, to keep those sexy passions burning. Sure, lovers may get used to each other after a while, so much so that they know their favorite brand of toilet paper and what color dildo they prefer, but there are plenty of ways to keep things interesting. You just have to use your kinky imagination and a little basic brain hacking.

That’s where regular date nights come in. According to actual research, having regular date nights where a couple sets aside all distractions and focuses on getting frisky improves their chances at forging a lasting romance. It makes sense. By regularly putting some passionate effort into one another, you’re bound to keep things heated.

That’s why I highly recommend date nights for aspiring lovers, such as those I write about in my novels. While you and your lover are making those sexy plans, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to set the mood.

“Begging for oral sex versus begging to give oral sex creates create wildly different situations for each gender.” 

“Relationship advice is like the stock market in that nobody can predict how it will pan out, only a few strike it rich, and major crashes cause major panic.” 

“At strip clubs or brothels, there’s really no such thing as an awkward boner.”

“If a relationship expert is single, does that inherently make them an hypocrite?”

“What does it say about us when so many people find a woman’s feet sexy, but nobody finds a man’s balls sexy?”

“Makeup sex is like soggy pizza. It’s not great, it’s not entirely satisfying, and we may think less of ourselves for enjoying it, but it’s still palatable and it gets the job done.”

“Pity sex is like the Pumpkin Latte of sex in that it’s okay to have every once in a while, but not on a regular basis.”

For all you spouses, lovers, or friends-with-benefits out there, I hope this helps get you in the mood for date night, whenever it might be. Being in love doesn’t mean you stop trying. You still have to put in the effort to make that love fruitful. Given how that effort can result in some quality sexy time, I honestly can’t think of anything more worthwhile.

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September 24, 2017 · 8:45 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Foliage Edition

Well, according to the calendar, fall is officially here. That’s right. It’s time to put the bikinis away, break out the heavy coats, and envy all the lucky assholes who live in a tropical climate for the next eight months. It’s going to be a long winter is what I’m saying.

As much as I’ve expressed my fondness for all things summer, I don’t deny that fall has its appeals. In addition to football being back, it’s also cooler without being too cold. You can get away with wearing shorts and not sweating so much that you smell like a wet dog. For a guy who loves to sweat for all the right reasons, that’s important to me.

Then, there’s the foliage. I don’t care what those lucky assholes in tropical climates say. Fall foliage is a sight to behold. I happen to live in an area where the changing leaves is pretty damn beautiful. I’d even go so far as to say it’s sexy. All that extra color, combined with a greater need to stay warm, creates all sorts of sexy situations.

It’s not the same as bikinis and speedos, but it’s still a unique brand of sexy. That’s why I’m going to get the ball rolling on fall by dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the changing leaves. Sure, we have to rake them later, but let’s enjoy the spectacle while we can. It’s a special kind of sexy so let’s make the most of it.

“Given men’s natural love of breasts, aren’t push-up bras redundant?”

“Is it possible that babies conceived in winter were also part of an effort by couples to save money on their heating bill?”

“Sex is the only activity in which women don’t mind procrastination.”

“Is it possible that the first nipple piercing was a product of someone not wanting to admit how clumsy they are when drunk?”

“Are crazy people really better in bed? Or are sane people just too unwilling to make the extra effort?”

“When you think about it, the afterglow after sex is like a reverse hangover.”

“The amount of a woman’s body that a man’s lips have touched is one of the best measurements of his commitment.”

I hope that got everyone’s blood flowing, if only to give them the strength they’ll need to rake up the leaves. Summer may be officially over, but there’s a way to be sexy in every season. Granted, some seasons are more challenging than others, especially those not conducive to thong underwear, but I’m up for that challenge and I intend to deliver.

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September 17, 2017 · 8:37 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Disaster Relief Edition

It has been a rough couple of weeks for millions of people along the Gulf Coast. First, Hurricane Harvey devastated east Texas. Then, a week later, Hurricane Irma basically delivered an uppercut to the entire state of Florida. The toll, both human and otherwise, has been devastating.

As bad as these storms have been, these sorts of disasters often bring out the best in humanity. They rarely get reported because for some reason, the media thinks we only enjoy hearing about how dire things are. They do happen though and they’re worth acknowledging.

Over the course of the next several weeks, the cleanup effort will begin. Stories of the devastation will dominate, but other stories of heroism and sacrifice will emerge. Those are the stories that should embolden us all. We may be a cynical bunch, but when the chips are down, we humans reveal just how awesome we can be.

With that in mind, I’m dedicating this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all those who dare to be better in times of disaster. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from. Helping others in their time of need will always be sexy as hell.

“Considering what most people do with their hands, men should be much more eager to shake hands with women than men.” 

“What exactly did the first guy who got a boner while being spanked do to deserve it in the first place and did he keep doing it afterwards?”

“If a nymphomaniac worked as a prostitute, how would they even know they’re a nymphomaniac?”

“The true experts in stain removal are those who do a porn star’s laundry.”

“You never realize how much you care about the hair on your ass until you try to put on a thong.”

“The fact that a teenager’s brain is underdeveloped while their genitals are overdeveloped is proof that a species CAN survive on stupidity.”

“Parents who catch their kids having sex is traumatic. Kids who catch their parents having sex is traumatic. Does the fact they’re both alive because of sex make that ironic?” 

To all those who have been affected by these historic storms, continue to be strong. Your strength will make you sexy again and that sexiness will carry you through any storm. For everyone whose who seeks to aid those affected by these storms, please donate to ongoing relief efforts in Texas and Florida. Disasters are always devastating, but they bring out the best in us all.

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September 3, 2017 · 8:48 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Labor Day Edition

Summer is just about over. Just typing that sentence out makes me sad. That means I’ll be putting away my speedo, my muscle shirts, and my flip-flops soon. In my part of the country, the cold weather tends to come fast and lingers like an itchy asshole. I’m not looking forward to that, to say the least.

In a sense, Labor Day is our last chance to really enjoy the warm weather, the beaches, and the bikinis one last time. Unless you live in a tropical climate, and I envy those who do, it’s a sight you’ll have to cherish until 2018. Having enjoyed my fair share of trips to the beach while sleeping naked in the muggy heat every night, I like to think this summer has been a success.

I’m still going to enjoy what’s left of it during Labor Day. I’ll drink a few extra cold beers. I’ll lounge around in swim trunks and flip flops. I’ll see if I can spot any more bikinis before they disappear for the rest of the year. I encourage everyone to do the same.

To aid in this effort, I dedicate this week of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to the last days of summer. I hope everyone has a safe and sexy Labor Day. Enjoy it and get ready for a long, less sexy winter.

“Dancing may not count as outright foreplay, but in many cases, it still helps us exercise our humping skills.”

“No matter how smart you are, you’re always prone to stupidity when you’re really horny.”

“The fact that women are concerned with styling their hair while men are obsessed with NOT losing it makes hair, in general, is a perfect metaphor for modern romance.”

“Is a man who uses a dildo to please his lover compensating for something or just well-equipped?”

“In a sense, an elaborate wedding is two families paying exorbitant, up-front fees to permit two people to see each other naked on a regular basis.” 

“Sexiness takes work, sex appeal takes talent, and sex skills take practice. It’s just the last step that’s hardest to set up.”

“If actions speak louder than words, then a lover who just wants to talk about sex is sending mixed messages.”

The summer is just about over. Before long, you’ll be shoveling snow, shopping for Halloween candy, and putting up Christmas decorations, possibly within the same week. That’s all the more reason to cherish this Labor Day holiday to enjoy what’s left of summer.

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August 27, 2017 · 10:05 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Humidity Edition

I love summer. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear in articulating my fondness for the beach and women in bikinis. In fact, if I sell enough sexy novels, I intend to retire to a tropical climate where I can enjoy summer-like weather, beaches, and bikinis all year-round.

That said, I understand that summer isn’t without its downside. Beyond the sexy beaches and the sexy women that make them great, summer can get pretty uncomfortable, especially when you have lousy air conditioning and excessive anti-nudity laws. In many cases, it’s not the heat that causes the discomfort. It’s the humidity that comes with it.

It doesn’t just make us feel hot and sweaty. It doesn’t even make us sweat in a sexy sort of way. That’s both tragic and frustrating. Sweat without sexiness is like french fries without ketchup. It’s just bland and uninspiring.

As I write this, my hometown is in the middle of both a heat wave, coupled with excessive humidity. Just going for a walk means smelling like a gym bag in just a few minutes. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but one that’s easily countered. I’m hoping that this week’s version of Sexy Sunday Thoughts can help in that effort by adding some badly-needed sex appeal along with that sweat.

“No matter how great the sex is, sore nipples will never be as worth it as a sore vagina.”

“You know you’re in an unhealthy relationship when training a dog and training your spouse is distressingly similar.”

“Does a certified gynecologist watching hardcore porn qualify as mixing work with pleasure?”

“Certain foods will NEVER be sexy and most of those foods involve beans.”

“Is a thrill-seeker who uses condoms a hypocrite, by default?”

“Masturbation is something you don’t WANT to learn the hard way, but doing so will give you an unspoken edge.”

“Is it possible that streaking started as a way to cool off during the summer that got out of hand?”

We’ve still got a few weeks left of the sweaty, sticky, unsexy kind of heat. It won’t be long before we’re all whining about having to wear layers just to go out and get the mail. While I know the humidity and heat is not exactly comfortable for most people, that discomfort pales in comparison to frostbite and shriveled genitals.

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