Tag Archives: sexy jokes

Let me make one thing clear. I am not a fashion expert. I’m as qualified to judge fashion as I am to do brain surgery. So, please don’t take what I’m about to say as some sort of informed opinion on fashion. This is just me, a guy who writes sexy short stories and sexy novels, commenting on certain attire that he finds sexy.

While it’s easy to see why lingerie and thong underwear has sex appeal, it’s a bit less obvious to see the appeal of something like spandex. Being a fan of superheroes, who regularly run around in spandex or spandex-like attire, I see it easier than most. However, I think even non-superhero fans can see an underlying sex appeal to spandex.

It’s not just shiny and tight fitting. It’s a unique material in that it can take many forms, with respect to attire. Not all of them are overtly sexual, but those that are definitely stand out. Having gone to many comic book conventions and seen many dedicated cos-players, I can safely confirm the breadth of spandex’s sex appeal.

Now, as a material, it’s not known for being easy to work with. In fact, you’ll need more time, money, and energy to work spandex into something sexy when compared to other forms of attire. However, the results will stand out. This is a kind of sex appeal that’s not easily matched or mirrored. Again, I can say that with confidence, given how many comic conventions I’ve been to.

Whether you go to those conventions or not, I say spandex is one of those things whose sex appeal is worth celebrating. It’s distinct, it’s flexible, and it can take many sexy forms. For everyone who appreciate its appeal, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help inspire some sexy ideas. Enjoy!

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“A good negotiator will have a better chance at getting laid by default.”

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“Alimony is basically the overdraft fee that comes along with heartbreak.”

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“On some levels, isn’t an orgy just a conspiracy to get more orgasms?”

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“You cannot champion the golden rule and refuse to give oral sex without being a hypocrite.”

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“Few have the ability to organize a three-way and even fewer appreciate the responsibilities of ensuring everyone involved is satisfied.”

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“No teenager will ever admit to their parents how horny they are most of the time.”

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“Expecting good sex without being in shape is like expecting good grades without studying.”

We’re in the heart of what many call the dog days of summer. The days are long and hot. The pools and beaches are open. You can generally get away with only wearing shorts and flip-flops when you go outside. These are good times indeed. Even if you’re not on a summer break, there’s a lot to appreciate.

This is also the time of year when it’s easiest to work on your sexy summer tan. After last year, with so many lockdowns, I think that sex appeal has only increased. A nice tan has always had unique beauty to it. There’s a reason why tanning salons exist and why people will lay out in the sun for hours on end, making sure it’s as even as possible.

I say that as someone who envies people who can get such a tan. I’ve tried to get a tan before, but my complexion makes that very difficult. In short, I don’t tan. I burn. When I got to the beach or pool, I smother my body in sunscreen and even when I’m out for hours on end, I’ll end up with a burn rather than a tan.

I’ve only managed a tan a few times before in my life, but I can attest to the added sex appeal. Years ago, it helped cover my acne problem. These days, I just think it just shows I enjoy being shirtless in public. I’m going to try and get a decent tan before this summer is over. I encourage others to do the same, even if they can’t make it to the beach.

Yes, you’ll still risk getting sunburned, but that’s the price we pay for extra sex appeal. I’d say that’s a risk worth taking. To help inspire that risk, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to get you in the sexy tanning spirit. Enjoy!

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“There’s no such thing as a free lunch, but free orgasms are even rarer.”

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“It takes a special level of mutual understanding and horniness for a couple to watch porn together.”

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“Chances are you’ve used a public restroom that someone has had sex in.”

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“Give a woman one orgasm and she’ll appreciate you, but give her multiple orgasms and she’ll worship you.”

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“It’s telling that those who do the most slut-shaming aren’t the ones getting frequently laid.”

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“There comes a point in every parent’s life when they just have to accept that their son has seen a fair amount of porn.”

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“Fake orgasms were the earliest forms of fake news.”

I’m a straight man. I don’t claim to understand the intricacies and complexities of what women find sexy. I’m not a mind-reader and I’m certainly no expert. I just write sexy stories and novels.

When it comes to why so many women find firefighters sexy, however, I get it. I get it as well as any straight man could. There’s a reason why firefighters are popular costumes among male strippers. There’s a reason why there’s a yearly calendar featuring sexy male fire fighters showing off the bodies they use to save lives.

It’s a perfectly valid reason, at that. I know firefighters. I see what they have to go through, working hard to stay in shape and training harder to deal with life-threatening situations. You have to have a certain level of toughness, grit, and dedication to do that job. You have to basically be a real-life hero, willing to put your life on the line to save others.

I don’t care who you are. That’s sexy as hell to anyone.

On top of that, firefighters in certain parts of America have had it a lot harder lately. This year has had a noticeable uptick in major fires throughout the country. They’ve had to work their share of overtime and endure harsher conditions than usual. For that, they deserve our respect as much as our lust.

If you feel compelled to do more than just thirst over firefighters, consider donating to a charity to help those who have paid the ultimate price to keep us safe. After that, check out these Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help fuel that proverbial thirst for these brave souls. Enjoy!

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“Going to a church to get laid is like going to a brewery to get sober.”

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“If searching for love is like playing the stock market, then brothels constitute insider trading.”

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“Anyone who sleeps with their boss to get ahead is basically saying their resume is lacking.”

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“An ugly man seducing a beautiful woman will never be as impressive as an ugly woman seducing a handsome man.”

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“Loving someone often requires a willingness to give them extra orgasms.”

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“A quickie is basically the fast food of sex.”

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“If scientists and engineers had the same sex appeal as rock stars, then we would have jet packs and flying cars by the end of the week.”

In general, I try to eat healthy. For most of the week, I will be careful and mindful of my diet. That usually means a healthy serving of eggs, wheat bread, rice, chicken, and other lean meats. Compared to how I ate in my 20s, that’s a huge shift. I’ve noted before that I did not have good health habits for a good chunk of my life. Eventually, I made a concerted effort to change that by regularly going to the gym and eating better.

That being said, you can still get away with a treat here and there. Even some of the biggest fitness junkies in the world have what they call a cheat day. The Rock particularly is legendary for his cheat days. Now, it is possible to overdo it. I know because I have overdone it and paid the price. However, there is one special kind of diet cheat I will never give up on.

For my cheat day, I always go with the simple greasy joy of pizza. For me, a weekend is just not complete without a good pizza. If I have someone to share it with, that’s even better. For the most part, though, I treat a good pizza like a massage for my soul at the end of a long week. It may not be good for you, but it’s a damn good feeling.

With football season coming in just a couple months, my weekend pizza is bound to get more meaningful soon enough. I usually coincide my cheat days with big football games because it just makes it all the more delicious. Even if you’re health conscious or a fitness junkie, I encourage you to take a cheat day and make pizza a part of that day.

I’ve loved pizza since I was a kid. I love it even more as an adult. When I eventually meet the love of my life, I hope to share a delicious pizza with them at least once week. Until then, I’ll continue to enjoy it as much as possible. I hope others can do the same today or whenever their cheat day might be.

Now, in the spirit of cheat days, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to rouse your appetite, your spirit, your loins, and everything in between. Enjoy!

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“If foreplay is boring, then you’re doing it wrong.”

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“To some extent, heartbreak is our brain’s revenge for listening to our genitals.”

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“There’s a very good chance that you’ve almost walked in on two people having sex and not realized it.”

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“A willingness to use sex toys while making love is the ultimate test of humility.”

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“Trying to get pity sex is like trying to lose weight by crying every time you eat junk food.”

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“Just imagine how confused and overwhelmed the first woman to use a vibrator must have been.”

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“No woman will ever understand what goes into maintaining an erection for extended periods.”

Last year was the worst of all worst-case scenario for movie theaters. I even wrote about it a few times, speculating and even lamenting on the future of movie theaters and the movie industry, in general. There’s just no getting around it. Last year was the worst year ever for the movie industry. It was also a very jarring year in that we could not enjoy a typical summer blockbuster.

For me, that was both heartbreaking and deeply distressing. Even before the rise of the superhero movies that I’ve come to love, summer blockbusters were an integral part of what made summer great. I still have fond memories of going to the movies on a Saturday with my family and seeing whatever mindless spectacle that a studio spent way too much on.

They weren’t always deep or mind-blowing. They were just fun. That’s what a summer blockbuster is supposed to be. It’s big, flashy, cinematic fun for anyone willing to overpay for popcorn and candy. Even though I’ve come to enjoy watching new movies at home via HBO Max, I’m still very willing to spend my money at a movie theater.

After last year, I’ve only come to appreciate summer blockbusters even more. The release of “Black Widow” is as clear a sign as any that summer blockbusters are back. This time, I’m going to enjoy them even more than usual and I encourage everyone who enjoys a regular trip to the movies to do the same.

Now that the proverbial floodgates are opened, the time is right to celebrate the return of the summer blockbuster. To contribute to that celebration, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts. They may not inspire you to go to a movie theater, but I hope they still inspire you in other ways. Enjoy!

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“What is a kink if not an individual’s shortcut to a good orgasm?”

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“You know you’re in love when your lips have willingly touched every inch of someone else’s body.”

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“The quality of a school’s sex ed classes are often inversely proportional to the number of pregnant teenagers.”

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“The popularity of incest porn is proof that some people should never be allowed to time travel.”

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“Parents who refuse to talk to their children about sex are dooming them to a very awkward experience on their wedding night.”

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“Great sex can hide major flaws in a relationship, but it can also motivate two people into navigating those flaws.”

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“Good ideas can get you laid once, but great ideas can get you laid regularly.”

Every summer brings its share of unique activities that have equally unique sex appeal. It’s easy to single out beaches, bikinis, and heat waves that keep people from wearing much clothing. I certainly appreciate all those things and the inherent sexiness they bring. After last year, I like to think I appreciate them even more.

However, there is another underrated summer activity that can also have a unique sex appeal. It involves the inherent appeal of grilling delicious food. Now, that’s not to imply a particular food fetish. That’s an entirely different kink that I won’t get into. If you want to look into it, then by all means. Just remember to delete your browser history.

The kind of appeal I’m referring to has more to do with the unique flavors and settings that summer grilling offers. Growing up, I often went to family reunions or attended family gatherings that involves a great deal of grilling. The smells alone made those gatherings memorable. Just writing about it makes me hungry.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate the joys of grilling burgers, hot dogs, steaks, bacon, and pretty much anything you can throw on a griddle. It’s not just delicious. In the summer, it’s part of a communal activity.

People are drawn to delicious food for the same reason horny men are drawn to boobs. It’s an appeal not restricted to any gender. Regardless of which body parts you find appealing, you can still appreciate a good burger. You can also appreciate the inherent sexiness of watching someone eat a large hot dog.

This is a great time of year to get outside, fire up a grill, and cook up some classic summer meats. It might not get you laid, but it will get you and everyone around you some delicious food. What could be more fulfilling than that? If that doesn’t get you hungry, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help stir your appetite. Enjoy!

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“To some extent, a sexual fantasy involves lying your way to a better orgasm.”

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“Is it wrong to be suspicious of someone who owns a large leash and no dog?”

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“Someone saying “Oops!” can precede their demise or someone else’s conception.”

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“Power corrupts, but great sex motivates.”

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“You should never play poker with someone who is good at faking orgasms.”

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“Like it or not, there’s a chance that finding the love of your life involves getting or giving a great blowjob.”

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“The fact that the threat of Hell doesn’t prevent religious people from masturbating proves the true power of orgasms.”

Happy Birthday, America!

It’s that time of year again, but this time it’s more meaningful than usual. I know this year hasn’t been kind to the country I love. Between a global pandemic and an attempted insurrection, this has been a rough year for America. As an American, I’ve felt it. I’ve groaned, cringed, and lamented more than once this year.

At the same time, I remain hopeful.

As bad as the first part of this year has been, we can objectively say that things are better now than they were at this time last year. Thanks to a change in leadership, as well as the development of effective vaccines, America has been on a road to recovery. There’s still plenty of room for improvement, but we’re still progressing and that’s a good thing.

That’s very much in line with the story of America, itself. This country was founded on high ideals, but operated by flawed, misguided individuals. There’s no denying that we’ve made mistakes, as both a country and a society. Some were so bad that we had to fight a war over them. We should acknowledge that.

At the same time, we shouldn’t let those flaws and mistakes stop us from celebrating America’s highest ideals. Those ideals still matter. They’ve always mattered. They’ve been a driving force for generations of Americans, going all the way back to the founding. Let today be both a reminder and motivator.

We’ve come a long way, America. We still have so much further to go. For today, though, let’s celebrate the 4^th of July as only Americans can. To get you into the patriotic spirit, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

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“Sometimes, sexual taboos end up being potent lubricants for elaborate kinks.”

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“An impotent man with a skilled tongue can still satisfying many women.”

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“A couple achieving simultaneous orgasm during sex was probably classified as the first miracle.”

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“When you think about it, dildos and toy guns have a lot in common.”

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“An arranged marriage a family’s way of telling someone they don’t trust them to use their genitals wisely.”

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“There’s a good chance you know someone who put something weird up their butt at some point.”

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“Premature ejaculation is nature’s way of telling a man he’s not ready for a threesome.”

I hope everyone has been having a good Pride Month. In addition, I hope those who regularly whine about pride month and denigrate the ongoing challenges of the LGBTQ community have used this opportunity to either educate themselves or rightly fucked off. After what happened last year, I think we’ve all earned the right to be a little extra fabulous this time around.

I proudly support the LGBTQ community. I am a straight male, but I have friends and relatives who are LGBTQ. I’ve also known people who have struggled with their sexuality. It’s hard to overstate how difficult and damaging it can be. Even though there has been considerable progress over the past 20 years, many still face immense hardship.

There are still dozens of countries in which it’s illegal to be gay.

There are entire religious denominations that vehemently oppose basic human rights to LGBTQ individuals.

There’s an entire political party in America that actively seeks to roll back the progress the LGBTQ community has made.

The struggle is far from over and we should all remain vigilant moving forward. For now, though, let’s use Pride Month as a chance to celebrate how far we’ve come. Whether you identify as gay, queer, non-binary, or transgender, use this month to just celebrate who you are. I will gladly celebrate with you and so will many others.

In that spirit, here is a round of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts in honor of Pride Month 2021. Enjoy and keep being fabulous!

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“Patience is a virtue, but only to a limited extent when you’re horny.”

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“Logistically, giving and receiving oral sex requires good negotiating skills.”

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“For better or worse, our tastes in porn will never be as revealing as our browser history.”

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“Aspirin is to headaches what orgasms are to depression.”

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“Like it or not, only a dominatrix finds weakness sexy.”

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“To some extent, every repressive society tries to make people content with having boring sex lives.”

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“Drunk sex isn’t much of an accomplishment, but a drunk threesome definitely is.”

Being a parent is hard. I think most people can agree on that. I’m not a parent yet. One day, I hope I can be when I meet the right woman. In the meantime, I see what parents deal with. I’ve seen how difficult it can be to talk to a child, keep up with a child, and protect them in a world that just seems to get crazier with each passing day.

That just makes me appreciate my own parents even more. Honestly, I still don’t know how they managed, but I’m grateful they did. I always make it a point to celebrate how awesome my mother is on Mother’s Day. I try to make the same effort every Father’s Day, as well. It’s a day where I’ll make this same statement and belabor it to death.

My dad is awesome.

My dad is the absolute best.

My dad was, and still is, my first superhero.

I know that makes me very lucky. I know plenty of people who do not have a good relationship with their father. It affects them in profound ways. Having an awesome father like mine also has a profound impact, but in the best possible way.

For every hard lesson I’ve learned and every challenge I’ve overcome, I can trace the strength I needed back to my dad. He taught me how to work hard, do the right thing, and carry myself as good, decent man. For that, I will be forever grateful. To all the other awesome fathers out there, I hope you get to do something special for Father’s Day.

To all those grateful sons out there, like myself, make the extra effort for your dad. They’ve earned it. To that end, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help celebrate the awesome dads out there. After all, without sexy thoughts, we wouldn’t be here. Enjoy!

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“Making love to a song runs the risk of getting horny every time you hear that song.”

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“Inviting a necrophiliac to a funeral is risk to all those involved, including the corpse.”

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“You can tell how conflicted someone is about their sexuality by how cautiously they eat a hot dog.”

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“Pity sex is a major reason why losers and whiners haven’t gone extinct.”

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“Practically speaking, broken condoms have the opposite effect of faulty seatbelts.”

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“You don’t drive drunk for the same reason you don’t play truth or dare while you’re horny.”

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“Making love when you’re not in the mood isn’t that different from eating a slice of cake when you’re not hungry.”

Summer is finally here and unlike last year, we may actually get to enjoy it. I certainly have no intentions of taking it for granted this year. That means traveling, going out, and spending plenty of time at the beach or by the pool. However, a good chunk of those summer activities require the services of lifeguards.

Now, I don’t think I need to explain to anyone who was a teenager in the 90s why life guards have sex appeal. An entire generation grew up on watching “Baywatch.” Between Pamela Anderson’s breasts and David Hasselhoff’s chest hair, they know and appreciate the sex appeal.

Even generations before that had shows like “Charlie’s Angels.” While it wasn’t a show about lifeguards, the concept and the aesthetics are similar. You know what I mean by that. Don’t pretend otherwise.

However, lifeguards need extra appreciation this year and not just because last year was such a wash. As I write this, there is a nationwide lifeguard shortage. The pools and beaches are open. They want to open, but they lack the necessary lifeguard staff to stay open. It’s frustrating, but that just makes the inherent sex appeal of lifeguards even more prominent.

I know people who are lifeguards. I have family members who were lifeguards at one point in their lives. It’s a serious job that sometimes requires people to confront serious situations, all while wearing a swimsuit. That takes skill, focus, and a willingness to over-apply sunblock. They are the arbiters of summer fun and for that, they deserve our respect and our admiration.

Hopefully, the shortage this summer helps us appreciate the role of lifeguard even more. I also hope it encourages others to train for the job. It may require a few classes, but you get to wear a sexy swimsuit all day. I say that’s more than worth it. To those who seek and embrace this inherently sexy job, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts in your honor. Enjoy!

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“Having a thing for women’s panties is like licking soup cans when you’re hungry.”

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“Outside a brothel, there’s no appropriate place to find a used condom.”

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“In a traffic jam, the odds are good you’ve passed by someone getting oral sex while driving.”

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“Prostitution is one of the few professions that thrives in any economy.”

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“Chest hair on men is only as sexy as their personal hygiene allows.”

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“To some extent, a marriage proposal is telling someone that you love them so much that you’re willing to risk an ugly divorce.”

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“A slut becoming a prostitute is a classic example of someone playing to their strengths.”