Tag Archives: humor

Happy Birthday, America!

It’s that time of year again, but this time it’s more meaningful than usual. I know this year hasn’t been kind to the country I love. Between a global pandemic and an attempted insurrection, this has been a rough year for America. As an American, I’ve felt it. I’ve groaned, cringed, and lamented more than once this year.

At the same time, I remain hopeful.

As bad as the first part of this year has been, we can objectively say that things are better now than they were at this time last year. Thanks to a change in leadership, as well as the development of effective vaccines, America has been on a road to recovery. There’s still plenty of room for improvement, but we’re still progressing and that’s a good thing.

That’s very much in line with the story of America, itself. This country was founded on high ideals, but operated by flawed, misguided individuals. There’s no denying that we’ve made mistakes, as both a country and a society. Some were so bad that we had to fight a war over them. We should acknowledge that.

At the same time, we shouldn’t let those flaws and mistakes stop us from celebrating America’s highest ideals. Those ideals still matter. They’ve always mattered. They’ve been a driving force for generations of Americans, going all the way back to the founding. Let today be both a reminder and motivator.

We’ve come a long way, America. We still have so much further to go. For today, though, let’s celebrate the 4^th of July as only Americans can. To get you into the patriotic spirit, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

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“Sometimes, sexual taboos end up being potent lubricants for elaborate kinks.”

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“An impotent man with a skilled tongue can still satisfying many women.”

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“A couple achieving simultaneous orgasm during sex was probably classified as the first miracle.”

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“When you think about it, dildos and toy guns have a lot in common.”

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“An arranged marriage a family’s way of telling someone they don’t trust them to use their genitals wisely.”

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“There’s a good chance you know someone who put something weird up their butt at some point.”

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“Premature ejaculation is nature’s way of telling a man he’s not ready for a threesome.”

I hope everyone has been having a good Pride Month. In addition, I hope those who regularly whine about pride month and denigrate the ongoing challenges of the LGBTQ community have used this opportunity to either educate themselves or rightly fucked off. After what happened last year, I think we’ve all earned the right to be a little extra fabulous this time around.

I proudly support the LGBTQ community. I am a straight male, but I have friends and relatives who are LGBTQ. I’ve also known people who have struggled with their sexuality. It’s hard to overstate how difficult and damaging it can be. Even though there has been considerable progress over the past 20 years, many still face immense hardship.

There are still dozens of countries in which it’s illegal to be gay.

There are entire religious denominations that vehemently oppose basic human rights to LGBTQ individuals.

There’s an entire political party in America that actively seeks to roll back the progress the LGBTQ community has made.

The struggle is far from over and we should all remain vigilant moving forward. For now, though, let’s use Pride Month as a chance to celebrate how far we’ve come. Whether you identify as gay, queer, non-binary, or transgender, use this month to just celebrate who you are. I will gladly celebrate with you and so will many others.

In that spirit, here is a round of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts in honor of Pride Month 2021. Enjoy and keep being fabulous!

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“Patience is a virtue, but only to a limited extent when you’re horny.”

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“Logistically, giving and receiving oral sex requires good negotiating skills.”

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“For better or worse, our tastes in porn will never be as revealing as our browser history.”

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“Aspirin is to headaches what orgasms are to depression.”

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“Like it or not, only a dominatrix finds weakness sexy.”

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“To some extent, every repressive society tries to make people content with having boring sex lives.”

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“Drunk sex isn’t much of an accomplishment, but a drunk threesome definitely is.”

Being a parent is hard. I think most people can agree on that. I’m not a parent yet. One day, I hope I can be when I meet the right woman. In the meantime, I see what parents deal with. I’ve seen how difficult it can be to talk to a child, keep up with a child, and protect them in a world that just seems to get crazier with each passing day.

That just makes me appreciate my own parents even more. Honestly, I still don’t know how they managed, but I’m grateful they did. I always make it a point to celebrate how awesome my mother is on Mother’s Day. I try to make the same effort every Father’s Day, as well. It’s a day where I’ll make this same statement and belabor it to death.

My dad is awesome.

My dad is the absolute best.

My dad was, and still is, my first superhero.

I know that makes me very lucky. I know plenty of people who do not have a good relationship with their father. It affects them in profound ways. Having an awesome father like mine also has a profound impact, but in the best possible way.

For every hard lesson I’ve learned and every challenge I’ve overcome, I can trace the strength I needed back to my dad. He taught me how to work hard, do the right thing, and carry myself as good, decent man. For that, I will be forever grateful. To all the other awesome fathers out there, I hope you get to do something special for Father’s Day.

To all those grateful sons out there, like myself, make the extra effort for your dad. They’ve earned it. To that end, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help celebrate the awesome dads out there. After all, without sexy thoughts, we wouldn’t be here. Enjoy!

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“Making love to a song runs the risk of getting horny every time you hear that song.”

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“Inviting a necrophiliac to a funeral is risk to all those involved, including the corpse.”

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“You can tell how conflicted someone is about their sexuality by how cautiously they eat a hot dog.”

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“Pity sex is a major reason why losers and whiners haven’t gone extinct.”

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“Practically speaking, broken condoms have the opposite effect of faulty seatbelts.”

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“You don’t drive drunk for the same reason you don’t play truth or dare while you’re horny.”

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“Making love when you’re not in the mood isn’t that different from eating a slice of cake when you’re not hungry.”

Summer is finally here and unlike last year, we may actually get to enjoy it. I certainly have no intentions of taking it for granted this year. That means traveling, going out, and spending plenty of time at the beach or by the pool. However, a good chunk of those summer activities require the services of lifeguards.

Now, I don’t think I need to explain to anyone who was a teenager in the 90s why life guards have sex appeal. An entire generation grew up on watching “Baywatch.” Between Pamela Anderson’s breasts and David Hasselhoff’s chest hair, they know and appreciate the sex appeal.

Even generations before that had shows like “Charlie’s Angels.” While it wasn’t a show about lifeguards, the concept and the aesthetics are similar. You know what I mean by that. Don’t pretend otherwise.

However, lifeguards need extra appreciation this year and not just because last year was such a wash. As I write this, there is a nationwide lifeguard shortage. The pools and beaches are open. They want to open, but they lack the necessary lifeguard staff to stay open. It’s frustrating, but that just makes the inherent sex appeal of lifeguards even more prominent.

I know people who are lifeguards. I have family members who were lifeguards at one point in their lives. It’s a serious job that sometimes requires people to confront serious situations, all while wearing a swimsuit. That takes skill, focus, and a willingness to over-apply sunblock. They are the arbiters of summer fun and for that, they deserve our respect and our admiration.

Hopefully, the shortage this summer helps us appreciate the role of lifeguard even more. I also hope it encourages others to train for the job. It may require a few classes, but you get to wear a sexy swimsuit all day. I say that’s more than worth it. To those who seek and embrace this inherently sexy job, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts in your honor. Enjoy!

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“Having a thing for women’s panties is like licking soup cans when you’re hungry.”

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“Outside a brothel, there’s no appropriate place to find a used condom.”

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“In a traffic jam, the odds are good you’ve passed by someone getting oral sex while driving.”

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“Prostitution is one of the few professions that thrives in any economy.”

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“Chest hair on men is only as sexy as their personal hygiene allows.”

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“To some extent, a marriage proposal is telling someone that you love them so much that you’re willing to risk an ugly divorce.”

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“A slut becoming a prostitute is a classic example of someone playing to their strengths.”

Being flexible in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is generally a good thing. Being physically flexible can be useful too, but not nearly on the same scale. However, that scale changes considerably during sexy situations.

You don’t have to have too dirty a mind to know what I’m referring to. Regardless of your gender, you’ve probably thought about it any time you see someone bend their bodies in awkward ways. While it’s certainly an impressive feat, it’s how we put those skills into practice where things get really fun.

When I was in high school, I knew this girl who loved to show off how flexible she was. She could easily do a split like it was nothing. She could also lift her let up and put her foot behind her head while standing. She loved showing this off in gym class. She also got plenty of intrigued looks by boys. I suspect that’s why she did it.

I won’t speculate too much into the graphic possibilities. I’ll save that for my novels and my sexy short stories. I’ll just say that those who can be both mentally and physically flexible have an edge when it comes to their love life. If you have a dirty mind, you know why. If not, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to get it going. Enjoy!

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“The only line between BDSM and being a disciplinarian is the general horniness of those involved.”

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“Shaking someone’s hand implies you’re comfortable with how recently they’ve masturbated.”

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“In a world full of perverts, aren’t prudes technically the kinkiest?”

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“The depth of a couples’ love is directly proportional to their willingness to fart in front of one another.”

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“Practically speaking, the internet has rendered streaking obsolete.”

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“When a man is horny, his dick is the most liberal part of his body in that it does not discriminate.”

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“Statistically, it’s very likely that man with a large penis will fall in love with a masochist.”

Around this time last year, we were heading into some of the worst parts of a global pandemic that had shut down entire countries. We were just starting to accept that things were not going back to normal anytime soon. The usual activities we’d come to love and take for granted just weren’t possible anymore. It was scary and depressing, indeed.

Memorial Day really hammered that home for me, personally. That’s because, for many years now, Memorial Day was when I scheduled my first vacation. That vacation usually involved spending time with my dad, who is a veteran. We go to the beach, we hang out, and we just partake in the traditional Memorial Day festivities that we’ve come to know and love.

We couldn’t do that last year. I couldn’t even see my dad for months on end. It was jarring and heartbreaking, to say the least.

This year, things are different. The pandemic isn’t completely over, but the end is so tantalizingly close. Pools are scheduled to open. Traditional Memorial Day events are still on and haven’t been cancelled. This gives me hope that this summer will be different. It also gives me hope that I can hang out with my dad again and honor this holiday, as we always have.

Even if you are not a veteran, this is holiday is more than just another day off. It doesn’t just mark the start of the summer, either. It’s a day in which we honor those who served their country, especially those who paid they ultimate price. I have people in my family who have served and fought in major wars. This is a day where I honor them and many others like them.

As part of that celebration, I dedicate this edition of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to all the veterans out there and those looking to celebrate a proper Memorial Day. After last year, we all need it. Enjoy!

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“If trust is key, then those skilled in BDSM are basically locksmiths.”

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“Power corrupts, but it also makes it easier to get laid, so it balances out.”

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“In many respects, being blindfolded during sex is the ultimate test for your imagination.”

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“For men, being able to sustain an erection in front of someone they find ugly is a legitimate talent.”

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“History is written by both the winners and, by default, those who managed to get laid more effectively.”

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“A drinking contest has no real winners, but an orgy has no real losers.”

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“Is it possible to have an ugly fetish without being a hypocrite?”

For much of my life, I’ve always been a creative person. All the sexy short stories and erotica romance novels I’ve written should be proof enough of that. Even before I developed a taste for romance, I had an active imagination. Growing up with cartoons and comics definitely nurtured that. While the nature of that creativity has evolved over the years, I still value it greatly.

I’ve also learned that it has sex appeal. If you need proof, then look no further than rock stars and the groupies that love them.

Now, that’s a very particular kind of creativity, but it still counts. It’s one thing to just look good on stage while playing a guitar or a set of drums. It’s quite another to put together a string of notes and lyrics that sound awesome. It’s just as challenging to create a beautiful piece of art, be it a picture, a movie, or a story. The ability to meet that challenge says a lot about someone.

It’s not just that they’re creative. They’re willing to put in the effort and the passion to make it real. It took months of writing, revising, and editing to write just one of my novels. For some, it takes even longer. If they’re still willing to put in the work, then that’s the mark of a genuinely creative person.

That will give them sex appeal. If you’re willing to put that much work into a piece of art, then just imagine what they can do in the bedroom. I’ll leave those with dirty imaginations to fill in those blanks. Here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help in that effort. I hope they’re sufficiently creative. Enjoy!

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“Even the most wholesome family must start with a raunchy act.”

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“We’re only weird until we find someone who shares our kinks.”

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“To some extent, civilized society requires that we hide how horny we are most of the time.”

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“The line between great passion and the simple desire to get laid will always be blurred.”

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“A slow learner will need a patient lover, by default.”

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“Like it or not, revenge sex will always be more satisfying than make-up sex.”

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“What you yell during sex reveals a lot about your priorities.”

I love going to the gym. I love working up a sweat, grunting through sets, and pushing my body to be better and stronger. I say all that after having made very clear that I was not at all like that for a good chunk of my life. I know I belabor that a lot, but it’s still worth saying. If a guy like me can learn to love going to the gym, then anyone can. Of that, I am certain.

However, I still wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a full-blown gym rat. I know people who definitely qualify. I am not at their level. I go to the gym at least three times a week, usually for an hour or so at a time. I know people who go every day and for hours at a time. Trust me. It shows and not just in terms of their muscle mass.

For a gym rat, going to the gym isn’t just about staying in shape. Working out is a passion and an understandable one. You work hard, you push your body, you feel the burn, and you get a good rush from it when you do it right. You don’t need to have too dirty a mind to see how that can have some sexier connotations.

It’s not just men, either. I know a few women who are just as fond of the gym and would definitely identify as gym rats. Their workouts tend to be different, but they’re just as passionate. It also shows in how they carry themselves, both in terms of their effort and their sex appeal.

That shouldn’t surprise anyone. Working out and exercising helps make you healthier, fitter, and sexier. Most people understand and appreciate that. Gym rats just take it to another level. Most of us will never be on that level, but you have to respect the passion they put into it, as well as the results they get from all that hard work.

To all the passionate gym rats out there, keep sweating, grunting, and pushing. Here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to get your heart pumping, among other things. Enjoy!

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“The existence of the orgasm gap between men and women is definitive proof that psychics don’t exist.”

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“An accident during sex can either be horrific or revealing or both.”

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“It’s very likely we’re all underestimating how many people have tried anal sex in some form or another.”

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“We’ll never know the biggest pervert for the same reason we’ll never know the greatest spy.”

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“Our taboos towards sex ensure we’ll always be suspicious of women with vibrating back massagers.”

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“Those who struggle to improvise are destined to struggle in spicing up their sex lives.”

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“Having a boring sex life is like having a car that can never go above the speed limit. It’ll get you where you need to go, but you’ll rarely get excited along the way.”

Today is a special day for those as lucky as I am. That’s because today is Mother’s Day and, as it just so happens, I have the greatest mom any guy could ask for. I’ve shared stories about her before. Trust me, they’re just a small sample of my mom’s greatness.

The older I get, the more I come to appreciate her and everything she did for me. I don’t deny I made it difficult for her, at times. While I don’t think I was ever too big a handful, there were times when I’m sure I stressed my mother out more than I intended. That never stopped her from loving me and showing compassion, understanding, and patience.

I am a better man because of my mother. That, I can say with complete certainty. With each passing year, I realize more and more just how much she did for me. I also realize how right she was on so many occasions, even though it took me way too long to realize it. Mom, if you’re reading this, I apologize for that.

Having a mom like mine is great. It makes Mother’s Day that much more special. At the same time, I also realize it can be bittersweet for some. I know people who did not have a great relationship with their mother. I even know a few who sadly lost their mother at a young age. To them, I hope you find some solace in this day, as well. To my own wonderful mother, who gave me life, raised me right, and changed my diapers, I love you with all my heart. I also know I would not exist without sexy thoughts. So, in the spirit of Mother’s Day and all the wonderful mothers out there, please accept these Sexy Sunday Thoughts as my thanks for all the awesome mothering you do. Enjoy!

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“A lazy lover has no right to complain when their partner buys a sex doll.”

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“Going on a date with a prostitute is like going to a movie after reading the spoilers.”

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“You know you have sex appeal when you can wear pajamas to a grocery store and still get hit on.”

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“Cybersex is just fantasy role playing combined with real masturbation.”

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“Sexual innuendo is just a polite way of indicating how horny we are.”

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“Boredom and curiosity have created more kinks than porn ever will.”

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“If someone is not willing to do a striptease for you, then can you honestly say they’re in love with you?”

Football fans are a special breed of fan. I can say this because I’ve been a football fan all my life. I also come from a long line of passionate football fans that include my dad, my grandfather, my uncle, and my siblings. For us, watching football on Sundays during the fall isn’t just something we do on the weekends. It’s a genuine passion.

There are those who just watch football because it’s something to watch on the weekend and there isn’t much else happening on a Sunday afternoon. That’s perfectly fine. Then, there are the fans who keep following the game closely, even after the end of the Super Bowl. Those fans often start paying attention to the NFL Draft before the confetti stops falling.

I am that kind of fan. As such, the NFL Draft is an exciting time.

Yes, it’s mostly just people in suits announcing the new players they’ve selected from college. There’s no football actually being played and no choices they make actually guarantee any improvement for any team. Just look up Ryan Leaf for proof of that.

It doesn’t matter. It’s still exciting. For passionate football fans like me, these past few days have gotten me more hyped for the upcoming season. That’s the biggest selling point of the draft. It gives fans of every team hope that their team will improve and compete for a Super Bowl. There can only ever be one champion, but the draft makes us all feel just a bit closer to that goal.

It may not be the sexiest event in all of sports, but for football fans, it’s a step closer to more football. For us, you can’t get much sexier. In celebration of the 2021 NFL Draft, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help add to the hype. Enjoy!

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“When you think about it, rebound sex can be both an anti-depressant and a victory lap.”

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“A janitor who can still get laid is more impressive than anything celebrities do.”

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“Staying married to the same person for a lifetime requires that two people channel both their passions and their horniness.”

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“Couples who make out in public are either very much in love or very poor at impulse control.”

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“To some extent, foreplay is a form of reconnaissance.”

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“Genital piercings are humanity’s way of complicating evolution.”

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“The fact that a woman can sell her used panties and a man cannot do the same with his jock strap implies that we’ll never have true gender equality.”