Tag Archives: humor

Sometimes, the calendar doesn’t always work out favorably. When Christmas is on a Tuesday and Halloween is on a Monday, it really hinders your ability to make the most of it. Every now and then, by either math or fluke, the calendar works out just perfectly. I’d say a year in which Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday is as good a timing as you can hope for.

I say that as someone who hasn’t always enjoyed Valentine’s Day. Yes, I love romance and I’m not ashamed of that, but Valentine’s Day is hard to celebrate when you’re single. Now, I have a better excuse than usual for being single this time. We’re still in the midst of a pandemic. It’s not exactly easy to get out there and date when we’ve been in quarantine for months on end.

Valid or not, it’s still an excuse and they don’t make Valentine’s Day feel less lonely. At the same time, it gives those lucky enough to have that special someone make the most of this day. It’s Valentine’s Day and it’s Sunday. You’ve got an entire day to celebrate your romance. Take full advantage of that.

Even if you can’t go out as much as usual, find a way to be romantic. Make a nice dinner for one another. Watch a movie that gets your shared passions going in all the right ways. Share an activity, even the non-sexy type, that you enjoy doing together. Every couple is different. Use this day to celebrate that. Love is a beautiful thing and it is worth celebrating.

To those lucky couples, I wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. To those who are still single like me, I say hang in there. Love is worth being patient for. To help bolster your Valentine’s Day spirit, here are some of special Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

---

“There’s a good chance you’ve walked by someone who has pictured you naked.”

---

“To some extent, being really horny is like being hypnotized by your genitals.”

---

“A kink that leaves no scars or marks is barely a kink.”

---

“If pity sex weren’t a think, cowards would’ve gone extinct by now.”

---

“A true friend is someone you don’t mind telling about your porno stash.”

---

“Fear will keep you in line, but horniness will keep you motivated.”

---

“Making love without setting the mood is like eating a gourmet meal over the kitchen sink.”

It’s finally here!

The holiest of holy days for football fans has arrived!

Super Bowl LV is set to kick off in Tampa on this most glorious of annual sporting events. As a lifelong football fan, this is a day that’s near and dear to my heart. I don’t always care who’s playing. I just want to see a damn good game while eating chicken wings and drinking beer.

I’ve been eating light and working out more in preparation for this, as always. This is also one of those Super Bowls where you don’t really need to do much to hype it up. All the tag lines are there.

It’s Tampa Bay vs. Kansas City.

It’s Tom Brady versus Patrick Mahomes.

It’s the greatest quarterback of all time versus someone who could end up becoming the greatest.

I don’t doubt for a second that this is the match-up that the NFL marketing department hoped for when the playoff started. Even if you’re not a fan of either teams, you can’t deny the weight of this match-up. These are two great teams led by two of the best quarterbacks of our generation. I’m ready for this. My heart, body, and liver is just so ready.

I don’t think I need to say much more to excite my fellow football fans. For the rest of the day, it’s all about counting down the seconds to kick-off. In a year where every week was in doubt due to the pandemic, the fact we made it to the Super Bowl is a hell of an achievement. If the game is as great as advertised, then I’ll take that as a sign that better days are coming.

We’re almost home, fellow football fans. As we wait for kickoff, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help pass the time. Enjoy!

---

“You know you watch a lot of porn when you can tell whether or not someone has bleached their anus.”

---

“A threesome can only go really wrong or really right.”

---

“Evolution ensures that not too many people can have a pathetic loser fetish.”

---

“Innovation is the mother of all invention, but it’s the cool aunt of sex toys.”

---

“People who take themselves too seriously are a lot less likely to be adventurous in bed.”

---

“The best hand job will never measure up to an average blow job.”

---

“A love/hate relationship will leave you as conflicted as a virgin porn star.”

There are a lot of things that go into a good romantic setting. Some aren’t always within our control, but that just makes putting in the effort more important. There are a lot of things you don’t want to half-ass in life or in relationships. Romantic settings is one of them.

One element you can control has to do with lighting. I’m not just talking about candles and lamp shades, either. A romantic moment can stand out in many ways, but if the lighting is just right, you and your lover will remember it for all the right reasons.

How you get it to stand out depends on what a couple is into. When I was dating my girlfriend, we were both early risers. We enjoyed the subtle lighting of the morning sunrise. That usually meant drawing the shades in my bedroom just right to give us that perfect blend of morning sun. It made for some wonderful moments between us.

For others, it’s different. One of my old roommates was the opposite of a morning person. He and his girlfriend liked to keep things dark, but not pitch black. That usually meant extra dim lighting in which you couldn’t see much, but you could make out just enough to discern the sexy details. They liked that sort of mystery element and I can totally understand why.

When contemplating your own mood lighting, what kind do you and your lover prefer? Does it need to be bright or dim? Do you prefer candles or sunlight? What gets you and your lover in the best possible mood? Contemplate that as you read over these Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

---

“People with a voyerism fetish make the worst spies.”

---

“Is it really possible to not discover a kink by accident?”

---

“A man who is good at puzzles has an advantage when it comes to pleasing a woman.”

---

“Your sense of modesty and shame is directly proportional to how little you’re willing to wear when receiving a pizza delivery.”

---

“Being sexually repressed and moving to Las Vegas is like hating football and moving to Green Bay.”

---

“A fight that ends in make-up sex can horribly skew your concept of foreplay.”

---

“Never mistake being in love for not wanting to go back to masturbating alone on weekends.”

I’m not a big fan of cold weather. I hope I’ve made that abundantly clear, if only through my fondness of beaches, bikinis, and sleeping naked. I can still manage it for the most part. I don’t mind wearing an extra layer for a few months. It’s not a big deal to me. However, there comes a point where the cold requires more than a light jacket.

As I write this, a polar vortex has descended around my area. Even if you don’t know much about weather, you kind of know what that means. These aren’t just a few days that were extra chilly. I’m now waking up to temperatures that I can count on one hand. There’s only so much coffee, hot chocolate, and whiskey can do to combat that.

These are the darkest parts of winter. It was bound to get worse before it got better. As bad as that can be, there are some silver linings. When it’s this cold out, your cuddling abilities become that much more important. If you’re lucky enough to have a lover by your side, this is the kind of weather where shared body heat is precious.

How you make that body heat is up to you. Your methods may depend on how frisky you’re feeling at that moment. Just do whatever best keeps you warm.

I certainly support the sexier efforts to endure a polar vortex. I don’t have a lover in my life at the moment. I hope that, when I eventually find one, I’ll be much more equipped to navigate times like this. It would certainly be more fun than sleeping under extra blankets every night.

For now, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help warm your spirit, among other things. Enjoy!

---

“There’s no right way to react to the revelation that someone has been to at least one orgy in their life.”

---

“True team players should have better sex lives, by default.”

---

“There’s a non-zero chance that someone was conceived during a song you heard today.”

---

“In real life, it’s hard for a great love story to not be R-rated at some point.”

---

“Like it or not, the existence of sluts and studs are a reason why the human race is successful.”

---

“You have to genuinely try to not be good at cuddling.”

---

“Ironically, orgasms are both a course of and a coping mechanism for regret.”

I love to laugh.

I enjoy being around other people who love to laugh.

Personally, I think having a good sense of humor makes someone more attractive, regardless of gender. Making someone laugh is almost as impactful as making them feel loved. However, it often seems like men are expected to be funny whereas a woman being funny is seen as an anomaly.

I honestly don’t understand that. I’ve been around men and women with a lousy sense of humor. I’ve also been around women who are legitimately funny. The girl I dated in college was one of them. She had a dirty mouth and a dirty sense of humor that I appreciated. It also helped she balanced that out with a sweeter, kinder side that I found genuinely attractive.

Over the years, I’ve made other women who funny in their own right. They have wit, charm, and a quirky mind that makes them downright endearing. I know there are those who claim women can never be as funny as men, but I don’t buy that for a second. I think, given all the successful female comedians over the years, that notion needs to die.

I don’t know when or where I’ll meet my future wife. I don’t know what she’ll look like, either. However, I’m fairly confident that she’ll have a good sense of humor. I look forward to laughing with her one day. In the meantime, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to honor all the women out there who make the world a funnier place. Enjoy!

---

“Making fun of a couple who are too affectionate is like slut shaming a famous porn star.”

---

“To convince someone that marriage is a sacred institution, you also have to convince them that threesomes are sacrilege.”

---

“The hornier you are, the less you care about where someone else’s lips have been.”

---

“Even the most sexually repressed people can’t escape the fact that they’re the result of someone else’s orgasm.”

---

“Sometimes, having a good relationship depends on how eager you are to give oral sex.”

---

“One does not simply ask politely for a three-way.”

---

“When you’re sexually repressed, what you see as porn becomes very skewed.”

When it comes to romance, setting the mood is critical. That’s not just true for cheesy romance movies or novels. It’s every bit as critical in real life. Without the right mood, it’s harder to make a romantic moment all that sexy. It’s not impossible, but it is just harder.

That’s where scented candles come into the mix. Now, I’m not talking about aromatherapy here. That stuff is mostly a scam. You don’t need to overspend on fancy candles imported from Milan. With the right setup, even the cheap stuff you buy at Walmart can work. You just have to be creative, as well as romantic.

The scented parts are also important. If your lover doesn’t like the smell of peppermint, pumpkin, or ginseng, don’t get candles that smell like that. Those will kill the mood, even if the visuals are perfect. Try and find what kind of scents put your lover at ease. What do they find relaxing, pleasant, or soothing? Trust me, if it’s a scent, there’s likely a candle for it.

It may seem cheesy, but when the moment is right, you’ll know the difference. Whether you’re in a new relationship or you’ve been married for four decades, this is the sort of thing that shows you’ve got a romantic side. It shows you care about making the extra effort. That, in and of itself, can be a powerful romantic gesture.

It’s a new year and it’s the middle of winter. A lot of us are still stuck inside. If that’s going to be the case, let’s find a way to be romantic. Some scented candles will go a long way towards that end. As you contemplate your setup, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to inspire you. Enjoy!

---

“A friend who gets you laid is a true friend, indeed.”

---

“A man’s will-power is directly proportional to his ability to refuse a blowjob.”

---

“To some extent, a thong is just a poor censor bar for your butt and genitals.”

---

“It’s always easier to negotiate with someone who’s very horny.”

---

“A dirty mind knows not to question someone who owns multiple dog leashes and no dog.”

---

“A man is only secure in his relationship if he accepts that his girlfriend’s dildo will always be bigger than his penis.”

---

“Insecurity is never sexy and overcompensating for insecurity is pathetic, but it can still get you laid.”

I hope everyone had a wonderful, festive Christmas this year. Relatively speaking, that is.

I know that’s a given after a year like 2020. What constitutes a good day, a good month, or a good holiday, in general, is bound to be horribly skewed. There’s just no way around it. That’s what happens when you endure a once-in-a-century pandemic that ruins everything from movies to sports to the simple act of going to a restaurant.

Even so, we should not let that undermine our holiday spirit. We cannot let something that awful keep us from sharing in the joys of the season. I like to think we’re stronger than that. I know that’s easy to say as someone who isn’t sick and who’s family members aren’t sick. That’s exactly why it needs to be said.

There are a lot of families this year whose holiday plans were mired by complications, disruptions, and tragedy. Mine certainly were different. The large family gatherings and the extensive traveling that I usually do on the holidays just couldn’t happen. That didn’t stop us from sharing in the spirit. We just had to share it through Zoom and video chats. It wasn’t the same, but it was better than nothing.

I hope everyone found a way to share in the spirit of Christmas. I hope everyone still finds the energy and strength to enjoy New Years, as well. Better days are coming. Even though we had to temper our celebrations this year, the holidays should give us hope for the future.

I’ll certainly try my best to mend my broken spirit after this year. I doubt it’ll be easy, but I’ll make the effort. As part of that effort, here are some Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help keep the holiday spirit alive for the rest of the season. Enjoy!

---

“If love is divine, then orgasms are miracles.”

---

“Touch someone’s heart and a shortcut to their genitals will appear.”

---

“A penis is like a bee bee gun in that it takes effort to make it work, but someone with skill makes every shot count.”

---

“Leaving your door unlocked is less dangerous than leaving your porn stash unhidden.”

---

“It’s good to open your heart to others, but it’s wise to be selective when opening your legs.”

---

“When you think about it, thrill sex could only be so thrilling in the days before cameras.”

---

“Like it or not, every social situation has a non-zero chance of someone making you horny.”

Christmas is almost here. Whether you’re a little kid or a full-grown adult, it’s approaching fast and we should prepare accordingly. Now, I’ve made no secret of my passion for the holidays. I had my tree up the day after Halloween. I also had my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving. It’s not just about being proactive. I just love embracing the holidays sooner than most.

For some, wrapping gifts is just part of the holiday process. Some even see it as tedious and laborious, especially if your gifts don’t easily fit into boxes. However, I honestly love wrapping gifts. I don’t know if I’m just weird or if that’s just an extension of my love for the holidays. I genuinely enjoy wrapping presents.

One of my favorite personal traditions involves putting on a Christmas movie, laying all my wrapping gear in the middle of my living room, and just proceed with wrapping every gift I can. It’s just one of those things that fills me with a special kind of joy.

I also believe that your willingness to wrap a gift helps make it more personal. It shows the people you love that you really put time and effort into getting this gift for them. That sends a message that’s every bit as meaningful as the gift itself.

I know not everyone feels this way about gift wrapping. At the same time, I think it plays a major role in the holiday aesthetics. You have Christmas trees, lights, decorations, and holiday specials. You also have wrapped Christmas gifts. Together, it’s just a perfect picture of the holidays and it’s worth celebrating.

Here are some of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts to help contribute to that celebration. Enjoy!

---

“Being in love and horny at the same time is a potent combination.”

---

“Like it or not, anything that gives men erections is going to be scrutinized, commodified, or celebrated.”

---

“Every time you open a door, there’s a non-zero chance you’ll walk in on someone having sex.”

---

“Depending on the situation, being a sexy virgin is either an accomplishment or a tragedy.”

---

“Porn is basically candy for our genitals.”

---

“Urging women to not be sluts requires that you convince them to have fewer orgasms.”

---

“You’re either homophobic or horny if you’re extra careful when sucking on a popsicle.”

What’s the difference between confidence and bravado? They’re often used interchangeably, but they don’t mean exactly the same thing. One has a certain connotation. The other is a more general term.

There’s nothing too special about having confidence. Most people with even a shred of self-esteem have some amount of confidence. Even if you’re a depressed cynic on the level of Daria Morgandorffer, you have to have some confidence that your heart will continue to beat and the world will continue to spin.

Bravado is something more distinct. It’s a special kind of confidence in the same way diamonds are special kind of carbon. Having bravado is the kind of thing that separates an average man from James Bond. It’s not enough to just be confident in yourself. You also have to have actual ability.

Some people think they have that kind of ability. Most of the time, that’s just false bravado. That’s less James Bond and more the villains he defeats. True bravado is a potent mix of both confidence and ability. If you do what you do with both confidence and skill, then that’s one of the most attractive qualities you can have.

Whether you’re a man, woman, or something in between, bravado can help you stand out for all the right reasons. It can make you unique, attractive, and more interesting than anyone else. It’s not easy to gain, but that’s exactly what makes it so valuable. Please take those lessons to heart as you enjoy another entry of my Sexy Sunday Thoughts. Enjoy!

---

“Technically, romantic tension can’t function without some degree of horniness.”

---

“You can only be so romantic when you’re really horny.”

---

“How much do you trust someone who says they’ve never watched porn?”

---

“If a crazy stunt gets you laid, does it still count as crazy?”

---

“Pursuing love means finding someone willing to regularly get naked with you.”

---

“A whore is just a slut with better business savvy.”

---

“Great love stories often come from those who are lonely, horny, or both.”