Tag Archives: youth

Should We Re-Think Our Expectations Of Teenagers?

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When I was a teenager and in a particularly bad mood, which happened more often than I care to admit, there was this one thing my parents often told me that really pissed me off.  It came out in many forms, but this was the underlying sentiment.

“If you EXPECT it to be a bad experience, then it’s GOING to be bad experience.”

I can’t recount how many times I heard something like this. I just remember it pissing me off even more every time I heard it. They usually said it to me whenever we were going out to do something that didn’t involve me sulking in my mood. Being the great parents they were, they didn’t let that happen. They got me off my ass and out of that mindset.

They probably didn’t know at the time, but that bit of good parenting reflects a real phenomenon within our collective psyche. It’s called expectancy theory and it’s kind of what it sounds like.

It’s based on the principle that if someone has certain expectations about something, it’ll affect how they approach it. If they have a positive, hopeful attitude, then they’ll be more likely to evoke positive, hopeful outcomes. If they’re negative about it, as I often was, then it’s not going to turn out well and confirmation bias will help make it worse.

With that in mind, I’d like to apply this to an experience that’s pretty much universal for everyone. Specifically, I want to focus on our expectations as and towards teenagers. Now, I know I’ve given teenagers a lot of crap on this blog, often highlighting how they tend to do dumb things and have misguided attitudes. In my defense, my own confirmation bias has somewhat affected that.

I did not have a good teenage experience. I had a terrible attitude for much of my teenage years and, despite having great parents and amazing social support, I found ways to make myself miserable. However, for the purposes of this discussion, I want to focus less on my own experience and more on the concept as a whole.

Take a moment, whether you’re a teenager or not, to ask a few important questions about the sentiment you have towards teenagers. Don’t just think about how you feel about it, personally. Think about how we collectively approach the teenage experience.

Are teenagers more deviant because of basic developmental biology or because we expect them to be deviant?

Are teenagers more immature because of basic developmental biology or because we expect them to be immature?

Are teenagers disrespectful because of their basic developmental biology or because we expect them to be disrespectful?

Are teenagers more prone to risky behavior because of basic developmental biology or because we expect them to do risky things?

See the pattern? There seems to be this underlying assumption about teenagers that rarely gets scrutinized. It’s this idea that all the biological changes that teenagers go through with puberty somehow transforms them from these sweet, innocent children into these reckless, irresponsible, proto-adults who aren’t capable of managing themselves.

It’s fairly likely that all those biological transformations that teenagers go through has some affect on their mentality. However, even the most up-to-date research on the issue concedes that our understanding of the mechanisms behind the process are extremely limited. What that means in a scientific context is we should not assume that our assumptions at the moment are wholly valid.

It may very well be the case that our expectations about teenagers have a significant impact on how we treat them. In turn, how we treat them ends up affecting how they act in response. Then, when they react, we use confirmation bias to justify our expectations. It comes off as one elaborate self-fulfilling prophecy to which we all contribute.

When you think about it, the signs are there. If you’re a teenager, just look at how the world treats you. If you’re an adult, think about how you were treated as a teenager and how you treat teenagers now.

We impose strict curfews about what they can do with their private time. We don’t trust them to consent to sexual activity until a certain age. We regularly send them to educational institutions where their lives and schedules are strictly controlled, not unlike that of prisoners. Whenever there’s a crime or an act of deviance, we tend to expect teenagers to be involved.

From my own experience, I can attest to this. When I was in high school, I noticed a distinct change in the way adults and teachers dealt with us, compared to middle and elementary school. Suddenly, everything we did was subject to greater scrutiny. It was as though everyone thought that we, a bunch of hormonal teenagers, were just one impulse away from becoming violent deviants.

I’m not going to lie. I found that kind of insulting. Teachers, adults, and even police officers would talk down to us whenever they discussed things like sex, crime, and even our personal lives. It wasn’t just that we were expected to screw up. It was almost as though we were supposed to screw up.

It never really crossed my mind that being a teenager could mean anything else. The idea that these attitudes were somehow flawed never entered my mind. I don’t think many people, including other teenagers, give it much thought now. That may very well be a problem that only makes itself worse the longer we have these expectations.

Part of what inspired me to write about this topic is an article from TheVerge that pitched the crazy, yet oddly logical idea that we should consider those under the age of 24 to still be teenagers. I admit I thought it was a joke at first, albeit not of The Onion variety. However, the author does make some interesting points.

Compared to earlier generations, youth today are staying in school longer, marrying and having kids later, and buying a house later, writes Susan Sawyer, the chair of adolescent health at the University of Melbourne, in an op-ed published today in the journal The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health. The transition period from childhood to adulthood lasts far beyond age 19, when it is popularly thought to end. As a result, she writes, we should change our policies and services to better serve this population.

In a sense, the author of the article is doubling down on the expectations. Now, it’s not just people who don’t have a two in front of their age to which we should ascribe these assumptions. We need to apply that to people even older because somehow, they’re still not meeting the other expectations we have of functioning adults.

Personally, I think that’s taking things in the wrong direction. If we’re going to start expecting more deviance and immaturity from more people, then that’s what we’re going to see and not just from confirmation bias. Just as I did as a kid, my negative expectations led to negative manifestations. Now, they may follow young people beyond high school.

It’s not magical thinking to say that attitude matters when it comes to dealing with people. Human psychology is extremely complex and varies wildly from individual to individual, but humans are still a very social species. As such, treating others with respect and maturity will provide them with incentives to do the same.

I don’t deny that certain assumptions are difficult to escape, especially when some of them are incorporated into actual policies. Even if we woke up tomorrow and started treating everyone over the age of 13 as a responsible adult, it probably wouldn’t resolve the many issues we still have with youth in society. However, as I came to learn as an adult, having a good attitude goes a long way towards achieving a good outcome.

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Birthdays And Mid-Life Crisis: Should I Worry?

What goes through the mind of a person having a mid-life crisis? I used to ask that question a lot and laugh at the implications. Now, I ask that question more than I care to and often dread the implications.

Recently, I just celebrated my birthday. I’m not an old fart just yet, but I’m long past the age of celebrating birthdays with candles, puppets, and trips to Chuck E. Cheese. I can’t really call myself young anymore either. The fact I often recall my colorful college years is proof enough of that.

As of now, I think it’s safe to say I’m middle age. I’m in the early part of my 30s. I’m not married, I have no kids, and I’m single. While I’ve had a few failed efforts at online dating, I’m currently a long way away from having a stable relationship. That makes me worry that I’m on track for a mid-life crisis.

That may come off as paranoid, on my part. According to actual research on the subject, which does exist, people don’t have these things until their mid-forties at the earliest. However, I feel as though I check one too many boxes with respect to men who end up overly obsessing about where they are or aren’t at a certain point in their lives.

Maybe I’m just overreacting, after having celebrated a birthday that reminded me I’m a year older. I hope that’s the case because I don’t think I would handle a mid-life crisis well. According to WebMD, these are the signs that a man may be going through one and isn’t handling it in a healthy way:

  • You’re uneasy about major elements in your life
  • You feel that your time for taking a new direction is running short
  • You’re making unusual choices
  • You feel trapped and are tempted to act out in ways that will blow up your life

Either one of these symptoms is something I don’t think I’d handle well. In the past, I’ve shown an ability to effectively shame myself into changing my habits for the better. Who’s to say it won’t work in the opposite direction? I like to think I have enough perspective to avoid that, but I don’t know for sure what age will do to that perspective.

I’ve also had a tendency to be significantly behind the curve when it comes to social skills. Based on the particulars of a mid-life crisis, I worry that I might start pushing myself in unhealthy ways to unhealthy extremes. In a mid-life crisis, I imagine I won’t learn just how unhealthy it is until it’s too late.

This may all still be paranoia on my part. It might also be me worrying about getting deeper into my 30s, but still being single. I’ve already had that cause some issues in the past. As I get older and remain single, I’m sure those issues will continue.

It doesn’t help that a lot of friends and family members are starting to get married, have children, or get involved in long-term relationships. When I was in my 20s, I could sort of get away with being an outlier. I could just fall back on youth, inexperience, and stupidity. Those were good excuses, but like all excuses, they eventually become hallow.

Perhaps that’s what has me most worried about the prospect of a mid-life crisis. In talking about excuse banking, I’ve had to think a lot more about the excuses I’ve made in the past and the ones I still make to this day. I’m making these excuses at a time when I’m happy, healthy, and not feeling too old.

That could change a great deal after a few too many birthdays. Beyond the fact that the body always breaks down with age, the world around me is constantly changing. It’s a given that at some point in my life, I’m going to feel a certain level of stress, regret, and anxiety. That might tempted more than just extra excuses.

I’m not sure how that will manifest. Maybe I’ll go wild for a while at parties that I have no business attending. Maybe I’ll try to marry a random stranger on a trip to Las Vegas. Maybe I’ll buy a custom sex doll and name it after one of the characters in my books. It’s hard to know until it happens. I don’t want it to happen, but celebrating another birthday makes me wonder whether it’s inevitable.

In many respects, I’m well-equipped to either survive a mid-life crisis or avoid it altogether. I have a very strong support network among friends and family. I’m very close to my siblings, my parents, and my friends. A lot of them, especially my parents, know me better than I know myself. If I’m going through something, they’ll often pick up on it before I do.

Having that kind of support always helps. They’ve been a big part of what has inspired me to write this blog and my novels. I sincerely hope that one day, I can find a beautiful, loving woman to share that inspiration with as well. I’m working on that, but for the moment, I’m more vulnerable to a mid-life crisis than most.

At the moment, though, I’m still healthy, sane, and sexy as I’ve ever been. If that changes, chances are my posts on this blog will get a lot crazier and for a blog that has referenced sex robots, sex-positive superheroes, and cheesy romance movies that few men admit to liking, that’s saying a lot.

For this year, though, I’m going to enjoy all the birthday wishes I got from friends and family. I’m going to lavishly spend all the gift cards and eat all the cake. I’ll even have myself an extra beer for good measure.

Another year in this world has helped me improve as a person and as an aspiring erotica/romance writer. I want to keep improving. I also want to be ready for the moment when things in my life get rough.

I know if I can overcome them, I’ll be even better. Maybe I’ll even be able to get a few sexy novels out of them as well. If that kind of story helps me build my success, then I’m willing to endure in the name of all things sexy.

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