This is a video from my YouTube channel, Jack’s World.
This is a CreepyPasta that I wrote and narrated myself. Enjoy!
Sexy Short Story: The Lifeguard
The following is a sexy short story inspired by a couple of lifeguards I saw flirting at a local pool. Enjoy!
“This is so wrong. If I get caught, I’ll be in so much trouble,” said an anxious, but excited Dominic “Dom” Olson.
“You keep saying that. But you keep moving with such urgency,” replied Vivian “Viv” Powell as she flirtatiously leaned towards him, clutching his arm.
“That’s entirely your fault,” he quipped. “You’re the one who dared me to take advantage of my position as a lifeguard.”
“To be fair, you didn’t need that much convincing. I don’t think I even dared you to do this.”
“It was still your idea.”
“And yet you’re the one with the keys…leading the way at ten past midnight…your girlfriend by your side, feeling so restless.”
Viv’s every word was laced with deep, sensual undertones. Her seductive voice, coupled with her affectionate gestures, got Dom working feverishly to sift through the keys on his chain. That wasn’t easy when it was past midnight on a cloudy, muggy summer night in their quiet suburban neighborhood. It was the middle of the week and most houses were dark and quiet.
The community pool, which was located at the end of the block, was extra quiet. Dom knew for certain that nobody drove by after ten. He was intimately familiar with how the pool operated, having worked as a lifeguard there for four straight summers, going back to his senior year in high school.
Viv knew it too, having first met Dom while visiting the pool with some friends of hers that lived nearby. This was where she first asked him on a date. This was where they frequently met up when they weren’t working, studying, or navigating the daily grind of a couple of college students. But they had never met up in a situation like this…alone, late at night, and feeling bolder than usual.
“Found it!” Dom said under his breath, having finally located the key to the main gate.
“Hurry up and get it open,” Viv whispered seductively into his ear. “It’s so hot and muggy out tonight. These clothes are getting so itchy.”
Dom moved with superhuman reflexes to unlock the gate. The incentives of a horny girlfriend could do that to a man. As soon as it opened, they slipped in laughing and giggling like a couple of deviant teenagers.
“It’s so weird being here when it’s dark out,” said Dom as they made their way to the pool.
“I know, right?” said Viv as she looked out over the area with a grin. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to this pool kids being yelled at every half-second.”
“Trust me. Being a lifeguard, you can only get used to it so much.”
“All the more reason to enjoy the peace and quiet.”
Viv let go of his arm and approached the side of the pool near the deep end. The main clubhouse might have been dark, but the pool itself was lit by a series of underwater lights. The only sound that could be heard was the hum of the filters and pumps that worked after-hours during the week. Dom was usually responsible for cleaning those. That was one part of being a lifeguard he didn’t care for.
After tonight, he might not mind that task quite as much. Viv intended to give her boyfriend some fond memories of this pool that would help him through the rest of the summer.
“Well, so long as we have the pool all to ourselves…” said Viv as she kicked off her sandals.
“And wouldn’t you know it? We forgot our swimsuits,” laughed Dom as he did the same.
“And I forgot to wear underwear, as well,” she said casually. “Oh well! Guess we’ll have to swim naked.”
“Guess so,” he said with a mock-shrug.
Viv shed her clothes quickly, sliding the thin white tank-top she had on off over her head before slipping out of the jean shorts she’d thrown on less than a half-hour ago. She didn’t bother with underwear or a bra. She even shook her exposed butt at Dom, as if he needed more motivation at this point.
By the time she turned around, giving him a full-frontal view of her breasts and pussy, he was working feverishly to get out of his pants. Even in the poor lighting of the pool, she could see his penis becoming partially erect. He was getting ahead of himself, but their bodies and desires were on the same page.
“Come on in, handsome!” she said, gesturing with her finger. “You are still a lifeguard. That means you have to keep an eye on anyone using the pool.”
“Including my butt naked girlfriend?” he said.
“Especially your butt naked girlfriend!”
Viv laughed playfully as she jumped into the clear, warm water. It felt so good on her naked skin. Since the pool was heated, the temperature was perfect. It reminded her of a nice, lukewarm bath. But she was not looking to just float around and relax. She kept her eye on Dom, who now stood fully naked at the edge of the pool…his toned physique and tanned skin looking so appropriate for a lifeguard.
“Cannonball!” he called out before jumping in.
In an act unbefitting of a seasoned lifeguard, he splashed into the water just a few feet from where Viv stood. The resulting impact got her a face full of water. But her only retaliation involved more laughter while trying to splash him back.
That triggered a steady exchange of playful splashes as they swam about the area – chasing one another, groping one another, and occasionally sharing a deep, affectionate embrace. As good as the warm water felt, the feeling of his naked skin pressing against hers was even better. Even with the water level just above her chest, she could clearly see that generous endowment hanging between his legs. At one point, she felt it graze her thighs and the extent of his arousal became clear.
“Hey Dom…” she said to him within that embrace, her tone more serious and intense.
“Yes, Viv?” he said, matching her intensity.
“This is my first time skinny dipping. And I already like it!”
“I had a feeling you would,” he said as he slipped his hands down to her butt.
“I know we’re already breaking a lot of rules. But how much trouble would we be in if we made love right here…right now?”
Viv reached down between their bodies and grasped his penis as it floated within the water. He made that distinct noise he always made when she touched him in a way that made clear she wanted sex. And he responded, as he often did, by slipping his hand between her legs and lightly cupping the outer folds of her vagina.
“We would be in a lot of trouble…much more so than we already are,” said Dom.
“Would it be enough to dissuade you?”
“Nope! Not even close.”
He hot her a lustful, yet affectionate glance. Viv responded with a gaze of her own…a look that urged him to take her in that moment. He got the message and he acted on it with that distinct, manly bravado of his.
It started with a deep, hungry kiss…one full of messy tongue and swirling lips. Intense, aggressive foreplay followed. He hungrily guided his hands all over her naked body, paying close attention to her breasts, butt, and inner thighs. Viv answered by pawing his chest and rubbing her thigh against his groin, skillfully working her skin against the underside of his penis, causing it to stiffen even more.
Within this fervent embrace, Dom led her to the shallow end of the pool. They ended up in a corner near the stairs where most of the kids and elderly entered the pool. There, the water barely went up to their lower waist. No longer covered by the water, he became fully erect while the arousal between her legs further escalated.
Once she felt her back against the edge of the pool, Dom grasped her upper thighs and lifted her up. Their lips still locked, instinct took over and Viv threw her legs around his waist. And with his secure grip on her, he aligned her pelvis with his. As soon as she felt the tip of his dick glide against her outer folds, he carefully lowered her…allowing for the sweet, smooth penetration of her flesh with his.
“Dom…I feel you,” Viv gasped.
“Viv…” he said, already dazed by the feeling.
Few words were needed. Their bodies, their passions, and the raw sensations of their sex told them everything they needed to know in that moment. Viv drew him into another kiss. And Dom made perfect use of the setting, circumstances, and desires.
Under the cloudy night sky, she and Dom made love. Their wet, naked bodies bounced, rocked, and grinded to that special rhythm that could only come from this special dance. The water beneath them splashed and rippled each time she plunged downwards, the hardened flesh of his cock driving up into her tight folds.
Hot, wondrous sensations followed with each movement, mixing well with the warm water of the pool that still covered their bodies. It might have been wrong in the sense that they weren’t supposed to be there at this hour of the night. But that only added an extra thrill that made it feel so right.
Her chin now resting on his shoulder, Viv loudly and proudly moaned with pleasure out into the night. She even dared to be louder than usual, squealing with joy in ways that weren’t possible when they were trying to get intimate in crowded college dorms. There was something liberating about that, giving a new dimension to this intimate act.
Dom definitely felt it too. He was usually so intense and serious during sex. But this time, he was more energetic and playful than usual, laughing joyously with her as they went at it. They even moved around a bit in the water, having fun with how they splashed about in the water during their intimate movements. This unique, playful energy led Viv to the brink of orgasm. As it approached, she latched onto his shoulders and dug the balls of her feet into his lower back.
“Dom! I’m close! I’m so…so close!” Viv gasped, telling him with an intensity in his eyes.
That just strengthened his resolved. His grinned widely as he bounced her hips with more fervor, which helped send her over the edge. And once that sweet, orgasmic release washed over her, she closed her eyes and let out a cry of ecstasy to the heavans for all to hear.
“Oohhhh God yes!”
If anyone had even been close to the pool, they would’ve heard her. But at that point, Viv didn’t care. She didn’t care if someone came in and saw them both in the act. This moment was already so special, as well as very worth the risk.
But even after that wondrous release, their sex didn’t stop. Dom kept a firm hold on her, his desires still strong and his efforts not waning. He did slow down the pace of their sex so that she had time to catch her breath and gather her thoughts. But Viv kept him motivated, shooting a loving smile that could only be inspired by a great orgasm.
“Don’t stop,” she told him intently. “I want this. I want…you.”
Again, Dom answered with actions rather than words. He kissed and held her closely, their wet skin grinding smoothly through more heated movements. Gasps and grunts became more labored. Touching and pawing became more chaotic. It was getting more intense, as were the sensations…their minds and bodies working overtime to make this experience truly memorable.
The escalating sensations of their sex soon built towards a crescendo. Dom was getting close to climaxing. Viv could tell by the way every thrust and movement became more focused. She eventually found herself bent over the ledge of the pool with him standing behind her, grasping her waist and thrusting fervently into her.
His pelvis smacked rhythmically agaisnt her hips, splashing more water between them.
His rigid penis throbbed in anticipation, ready for his release.
He still sought to share this with her, reaching down between her legs at one point to provide a little extra stimulation to her clit. Dom knew her body well. He knew how to give her the extra push she needed to achieve another orgasm. As it approached, they eagerly shared this one together.
“Viv! Oh God! I’m gonna come! I’m gonna cum!” Dom grunted.
“Me too! Please, Dom…come with me!” Viv exclaimed.
A few more focused movements was all it took. This time, they cried out to the heavens together, loudly proclaiming the fruits of their lovemaking for the night sky to hear.
As the rush of the ecstasy washed over them, they arched their bodies and writhed to every glorious sensation. Inside her depths, Viv felt her lover’s cock throb as he filled her depths with his hot fluids. That extra feeling of warmth inside her helped supplement her own release, their bodies perfectly in synch as they shared in this feeling.
Whether by reflex or passion, Dom embraced her from behind and Viv leaned back so they could share another kiss. Even after their sex parted, they remained in that embrace…still wet, naked, and captivated by what they had just done and what they had just shared.
“I love you, Viv,” said Dom through labored breaths. “Whether we’re following the rules or breaking them…I love you.”
“I love you too, Dom,” she said. “I know you’re a lifeguard. I know following the rules is a big deal to you. And after tonight…I know my life and our love are in good hands!”
Filed under Sexy Short Story
Jack’s Comic Gems: X-Factor Forever
This is a video from my YouTube channel, Jack’s World.
This is video another entry in my ongoing “Jack’s Comic Gems” collection. And for this gem, I highlight a X-Men mini-series that flew under the radar when it came out. Those who follow X-Men comics closely probably know the role Louise Simonson played in developing the franchise with X-Factor in the 1980s. Her run re-established the importance of the Original Five X-Men in the larger Marvel universe.
That same run ended abruptly. But X-Factor Forever gives Louise Simonson a chance to pick up where she left off in a brief, but memorable non-canon story that highlights everything we love about this era of X-Men. Enjoy!
Filed under Jack's Comic Gems, Jack's World, Marvel, X-men, YouTube
Why You Should Be (Very) Skeptical About Congress’ Sudden Interest In UFO/UAP Testimony
I’ve noted before that I used to be a big believer in UFO and UFO conspiracies. I’ve also made clear that I gradually came to realize that those beliefs were dead wrong. And I regret all the time I wasted and people I annoyed when talking about those beliefs. That’s not to disparage anyone who believes in UFO or UFO conspiracies. That was just my personal experience.
And it’s because of that experience that I have strong opinions about some of the recent claims that are coming out from a series of Congressional hearings, which include reports from an alleged whistleblower who flat out says the United States has recovered actual UFO’s and non-human intelligence. This is not a re-run of the “X-Files” or another episode of “Ancient Aliens.” These are real, official government hearings conducing real, serious inquiries about UFOs and aliens.
If this were happening years ago when I was still neck-deep in UFO lore, I would be excited and maybe a little scared. The idea that these beliefs I’d been exploring might be valid would’ve been overwhelming, to say the least. I even know a few people who are tracking this news closely, as if we’ll get confirmation any day now that we are not alone.
But this is where I’d like to take a step back and offer an important counter. I’m not out to be a downer or overly fatalistic. But as someone who once bought into this narrative, I like to think I understand where the UFO crowd is coming from. And I hope I can provide perspective to them, as well as those who are skeptical.
The first thing to note is that the hearings, as compelling as they’ve been, have not offered any genuinely tangible evidence of UFOs. It’s all just personal testimony and records of those who claim to have seen something unidentified. Yes, the fact that some of these testimonies come from trained pilots, soldiers, and people within the intelligence community is noteworthy. However, there’s one critical detail to keep in mind.
These are all still people.
These are all still human beings who eat, sleep, and poop like the rest of us.
That means they’re still prone to human error. And that, more than anything, is why everyone following this story should remain skeptical.
Now, that’s not to say that I think the people at these hearings are flat out lying. I also don’t think this is part of some elaborate misinformation or distraction orchestrated by the government to mislead the public so they can do something covert behind the scenes. I’m not saying the government would never do that. There is proven documentation that they have.
But something on par with involving intelligent extraterrestrial beings requires a level of competence that nobody should ascribe to any government. Again, the government is run by flawed, fallible people. Covering something up as tantalizing as real aliens would just be too much, even for the most competent human governments. Someone with connections, like Elon Musk, would’ve uncovered it and he would’ve tweeted it already.
That’s not just me speculating. Musk himself has flat out admitted this. That, alone, should give even the most ardent UFO enthusiasts pause.
Personally, I believe the individuals at these UFO hearings are telling the truth to some extent. They genuinely believe that they saw something not of this world. They generally believe they have evidence that real aliens exist and there’s proof on this planet right now. If you hooked them up to a lie detector, they’d pass with ease.
But that’s exactly why I think even more skepticism is warranted. It’s the fact that none of these individuals are crazy, ignorant, or unbalanced in some way. They’re serious, professional people making serious claims. But they’re still people and they’re still capable of misremembering and misunderstanding what they saw.
Like it or not, human memory and perceptions are not reliable. And if that’s the only thing coming out of these hearings, then it really is offering nothing that you can’t get from a episode of “Ancient Aliens.” Unless someone actually presents a tangible piece of UFO wreckage that can be held in someone’s hand, which could then be verified by others, these hearings are pointless.
At the end of the day, the only real conclusion you can draw from these hearings is that there are things flying around in the sky and in space that we can’t identify or understand. And that’s to be expected. The sky is big. Our senses are limited. But just because we can’t identify something doesn’t mean that there are intelligent aliens behind it. It would make just as much sense to assume every unidentified object in the sky is an angel, a fairy, or a time traveler.
Also, I’m of the opinion that if any government had any proof of alien visitations, it would’ve leaked long ago. We live in a world where everyone has a high-definition camera in their pocket and it’s easier than ever to share photos, videos, and media of all kinds. The fact that we don’t have that proof is as clear an indication as any that we don’t have it at the moment.
That’s not to say it doesn’t exist. I actually do believe there are intelligent alien civilizations in the universe. The sheer size of the universe is just too big for humanity to be the only ones. But I don’t believe there’s any proof that they’ve actually visited Earth or even have an interest in humanity. Maybe that proof will one day come, but it sure as hell won’t come out of government hearings. Of that, we can be certain.
Filed under Current Events, rants
The Dragon Prince Season 5: Review, Reaction, And Dark Trends
This is a video from my YouTube channel, Jack’s World. This video is my general review and reaction to Season 5 of the Dragon Prince. After Season 4 skipped ahead a couple years, this incredible fantasy world and its characters changed a great deal. But Season 5 moved things forward while building towards bigger and darker conflicts. Aaravos is still very much a mystery, but the threat he poses is still as ominous as ever. And this season offers some telling trends and themes that are worth highlighting. Enjoy!
Filed under Jack's World, television, The Dragon Prince, YouTube
Storm And Black Panther: How NOT To Do A Superhero Romance
This is a video from my YouTube channel, Jack’s World. Superhero romances are always complicated. And while I’m a big fan of romance, there are times when those complications aren’t handled particularly well. The end result is a romance that neither works nor benefits any of the characters involved.
That’s how I feel about the way the romance between Storm and Black Panther. Their marriage in the mid-2000s was a huge event, marketed as the culmination of a romance between Marvel Comics’ most prominent black characters. But it didn’t last. It didn’t work. And with the benefit of hindsight, I believe it to be a case study in how NOT to do a superhero romance.
Filed under Jack's World, Marvel, superhero comics, X-men, YouTube
Why Seeing Back To School Sales Still Upsets Me
When I was a kid, summer was a wonderful time by almost every measure.
School was out, the weather was warm, and I actually got to sleep in every morning. Even during the years when I had a summer job, it was great. I loved it and it was generally a happy time for me.
But then, at a certain point during the summer, I would tag along with my parents and siblings to the store. And eventually, we’d enter a store that had these displays advertising a “back to school” sale. Sometimes, it was as early as mid-July. There would still be a full month of summer vacation to look forward to.
But to me, it was still deeply distressing, especially when I was in middle school and high school. That was usually the point in my summer when I started looking at the calendar with dread with increasing dread. I knew that with each passing day, I was that much closer to another year of school. And for someone who hated school as much as I did, that was very upsetting.
I know it sounds melodramatic.
I know it comes off as the overblown whining of a kid who just didn’t like going to school.
Even today, kids lamenting going back to school are likely to be met with dismissive eye-rolls. We hear them complaining about going back to school and we just think they’re being weak.
They think school is so hard. They have no idea how hard the real world is. School was supposed to prepare them for that and if they struggled to deal with it, then they were in for a rude awakening when they made it to the adult world.
I get that sentiment on some levels. I’m guilty of feeling it myself whenever I hear a kid complaining about a new school year. But whenever I experience that feeling, I find myself remembering back to what it was like for me when I experienced such dread. Even now, as a full-fledged adult who has been out of school for over a decade, it still upsets me on some levels. And I really wish it didn’t.
I’m sharing this because very recently, I came across one of those big back to school sales in a store. Those displays did go away to some extent during the COVID-19 pandemic. But this year, they’re back in full force.
There are entire sections of a store dedicated to school supplies, clothes, and any accessory a kid or teenager might need. There are also these images of happy and excited kids, getting ready to go back to school. I know for a fact most kids don’t feel that way about going back to school, especially in the middle of summer vacation. I also know that for some kids, those reminders are downright triggering.
Now, I know I’ve bemoaned how much I hated high school before. I’ve also made abundantly clear that I was a uniquely miserable teenager, largely because of crap I did to myself. It may come off as melodramatic. And I don’t deny that, with the benefit of hindsight, it probably wasn’t as awful as I made it out to be.
That still doesn’t change the fact that dreading going back to school was a deeply distressing experience for me. There were times when I would just lay in bed, anxiously watch my clock radio, and endlessly lament going back to school.
I knew it was going to be miserable.
I knew I was going to needlessly stress myself out over every little thing, from getting my homework done to making new friends to dealing with how ugly I felt due to poor self-image.
My parents and siblings, to their credit, did everything they possibly could to help me. None of what I experienced is their fault in the slightest. I just had this incredibly toxic mentality about school.
On the last day of school, I was elated to just let it go and celebrate having made it through another year. But when those first back to school sales showed up, I could feel that mentality returning like a wound being re-opened. And when that first day of school finally came, I was often the most insufferably miserable person to be around.
But as bad an attitude I had, I did eventually get through it. I made it through middle school, high school, and college without that toxic mentality completely consuming me. I won’t say doing so made me stronger. If anything, it set me back for years and I still haven’t fully recovered from it. It kept me from making new friends, improving my social skills, and developing new passions.
The fact that I still experience it today, even if it’s just in bad memories, further shows how much it affected me. It may not be as bad as it was when I was younger, but just recounting how upset I got when I saw back to school sales in the middle of summer still affects me. I really wish it didn’t.
Maybe at some point in my life, I’ll be able to walk by a back to school sale display and experience those feelings. But for now, it’s something I have to deal with.
And to all those who experience similar dread whenever they’re reminded that a new school year is coming, I can only offer my empathy and understanding. But I can also offer my perspective and hope. Because if I can navigate these feelings and all the bad memories associated with them, then you can too.
Be strong.
Be resliant.
Better times will come.
But for now, just take a deep breath and enjoy the rest of your summer vacation.
Filed under Current Events, Jack Fisher's Insights, psychology, rants
Ultimate Invasion #2 Review: Making (And Breaking) A New Universe
This is a video from my YouTube channel, Jack’s World. This video is a review and reaction to Ultimate Invasion #2 by Jonathan Hickman and Bryan Hitch. In this issue, the Maker starts remaking a new Marvel Universe. But in doing so, he invites serious blowback that requires him to seek help from an unexpected source. Enjoy!
Filed under Jack's World, Marvel, YouTube
An Important Message To The Winner Of The $1 Billion Powerball Jackpot (Or Any Lottery Winner)
On Wednesday, July 20, 2023, a very lucky individual in California found out they won the $1 billion jackpot. It is one of the largest lottery jackpot wins in US history. And whoever is the purchaser of that ticket, their life is about to change immensely. I know a lot of people dream about winning the lottery and what they would do if it ever happened. But for this individual, it’s no longer a fantasy.
Now, setting aside for a moment the collective envy we all feel for lottery winners, I do want to convey an important message to this and all future lottery winners. Please note that this message isn’t from me. It comes courtesy of a famous post on Reddit that is frequently re-visited every time the lottery jackpot gets very bit.
What it says and what it reveals isn’t just important for lottery winners and non-winners alike. It adds a critical perspective that supersedes any fanciful dreams about wealth and money. Enjoy.
Congratulations! You just won millions of dollars in the lottery! That’s great.
Now you’re fucked.
No really.
You are.
You’re fucked.
If you just want to skip the biographical tales of woe of some of the math-tax protagonists, skip on down to the next comment. To see what to do in the event you win the lottery.
You see, it’s something of an open secret that winners of obnoxiously large jackpots tend to end up badly with alarming regularity. Not the $1 million dollar winners. But anyone in the nine-figure range is at high risk. Eight-figures? Pretty likely to be screwed. Seven-figures? Yep. Painful. Perhaps this is a consequence of the sample. The demographics of lottery players might be exactly the wrong people to win large sums of money. Or perhaps money is the root of all evil. Either way, you are going to have to be careful. Don’t believe me? Consider this:
Large jackpot winners face double digit multiples of probability versus the general population to be the victim of:
- Homicide (something like 20x more likely)
- Drug overdose
- Bankruptcy (how’s that for irony?)
- Kidnapping
And triple digit multiples of probability versus the general population rate to be:
- Convicted of drunk driving
- The victim of Homicide (at the hands of a family member) 120x more likely in this case, ain’t love grand?
- A defendant in a civil lawsuit
- A defendant in felony criminal proceedings
Believe it or not, your biggest enemy if you suddenly become possessed of large sums of money is… you. At least you will have the consolation of meeting your fate by your own hand. But if you can’t manage it on your own, don’t worry. There are any number of willing participants ready to help you start your vicious downward spiral for you. Mind you, many of these will be “friends,” “friendly neighbors,” or “family.” Often, they won’t even have evil intentions. But, as I’m sure you know, that makes little difference in the end. Most aren’t evil. Most aren’t malicious. Some are. None are good for you.
Jack Whittaker, a Johnny Cash attired, West Virginia native, is the poster boy for the dangers of a lump sum award. In 2002 Mr. Whittaker (55 years old at the time) won what was, also at the time, the largest single award jackpot in U.S. history. $315 million. At the time, he planned to live as if nothing had changed, or so he said. He was remarkably modest and decent before the jackpot, and his ship sure came in, right? Wrong.
Mr. Whittaker became the subject of a number of personal challenges, escalating into personal tragedies, complicated by a number of legal troubles.
Whittaker wasn’t a typical lottery winner either. His net worth at the time of his winnings was in excess of $15 million, owing to his ownership of a successful contracting firm in West Virginia. His claim to want to live “as if nothing had changed” actually seemed plausible. He should have been well equipped for wealth. He was already quite wealthy, after all. By all accounts he was somewhat modest, low profile, generous and good natured. He should have coasted off into the sunset. Yeah. Not exactly.
Whittaker took the all-cash option, $170 million, instead of the annuity option, and took possession of $114 million in cash after $56 million in taxes. After that, things went south.
Whittaker quickly became the subject of a number of financial stalkers, who would lurk at his regular breakfast hideout and accost him with suggestions for how to spend his money. They were unemployed. No, an interview tomorrow morning wasn’t good enough. They needed cash NOW. Perhaps they had a sure-fire business plan. Their daughter had cancer. A niece needed dialysis. Needless to say, Whittaker stopped going to his breakfast haunt. Eventually, they began ringing his doorbell. Sometimes in the early morning. Before long he was paying off-duty deputies to protect his family. He was accused of being heartless. Cold. Stingy.
Letters poured in. Children with cancer. Diabetes. MS. You name it. He hired three people to sort the mail. A detective to filter out the false claims and the con men (and women) was retained.
Brenda, the clerk who had sold Whittaker the ticket, was a victim of collateral damage. Whittaker had written her a check for $44,000 and bought her house, but she was by no means a millionaire. Rumors that the state routinely paid the clerk who had sold the ticket 10% of the jackpot winnings hounded her. She was followed home from work. Threatened. Assaulted.
Whittaker’s car was twice broken into, by trusted acquaintances who watched him leave large amounts of cash in it. $500,000 and $200,000 were stolen in two separate instances. The thieves spiked Whittaker’s drink with prescription drugs in the first instance. The second incident was the handiwork of his granddaughter’s friends, who had been probing the girl for details on Whittaker’s cash for weeks.
Even Whittaker’s good-faith generosity was questioned. When he offered $10,000 to improve the city’s water park so that it was more handicap accessible, locals complained that he spent more money at the strip club. (Amusingly this was true).
Whittaker invested quite a bit in his own businesses, tripled the number of people his businesses employed (making him one of the larger employers in the area) and eventually had given away $14 million to charity through a foundation he set up for the purpose. This is, of course, what you are “supposed” to do. Set up a foundation. Be careful about your charity giving. It made no difference in the end.
To top it all off, Whittaker had been accused of ruining a number of marriages. His money made other men look inferior, they said, wherever he went in the small West Virginia town he called home. Resentment grew quickly. And festered. Whittaker paid four settlements related to this sort of claim. Yes, you read that right. Four.
His family and their immediate circle were quickly the victims of odds-defying numbers of overdoses, emergency room visits and even fatalities. His granddaughter, the eighteen year old “Brandi” (who Whittaker had been giving a $2100.00 per week allowance) was found dead after having been missing for several weeks. Her death was, apparently, from a drug overdose, but Whittaker suspected foul play. Her body had been wrapped in a tarp and hidden behind a rusted-out van. Her seventeen-year-old boyfriend had expired three months earlier in Whittaker’s vacation house, also from an overdose. Some of his friends had robbed the house after his overdose, stepping over his body to make their escape and then returning for more before stepping over his body again to leave. His parents sued for wrongful death claiming that Whittaker’s loose purse strings contributed to their son’s death. Amazingly, juries are prone to award damages in cases such as these. Whittaker settled. Again.
Even before the deaths, the local and state police had taken a special interest in Whittaker after his new-found fame. He was arrested for minor and less minor offenses many times after his winnings, despite having had a nearly spotless record before the award. Whittaker’s high profile couldn’t have helped him much in this regard.
In 18 months Whittaker had been cited for over 250 violations ranging from broken tail lights on every one of his five new cars, to improper display of renewal stickers. A lawsuit charging various police organizations with harassment went nowhere and Whittaker was hit with court costs instead.
Whittaker’s wife filed for divorce, and in the process froze a number of his assets and the accounts of his operating companies. Caesars in Atlantic City sued him for $1.5 million to cover bounced checks, caused by the asset freeze.
Today Whittaker is badly in debt, and bankruptcy looms large in his future.
But, hey, that’s just one example, right?
Wrong.
Nearly one third of multi-million-dollar jackpot winners eventually declare bankruptcy. Some end up worse. To give you just a taste of the possibilities, consider the fates of:
- Billie Bob Harrell, Jr.: $31 million. Texas, 1997. As of 1999: Committed suicide in the wake of incessant requests for money from friends and family. “Winning the lottery is the worst thing that ever happened to me.
- William âBudâ Post: $16.2 million. Pennsylvania. 1988. In 1989: Brother hires a contract murderer to kill him and his sixth wife. Landlady sued for portion of the jackpot. Convicted of assault for firing a gun at a debt collector. Declared bankruptcy. Dead in 2006.
- Evelyn Adams: $5.4 million (won TWICE 1985, 1986). As of 2001: Poor and living in a trailer gave away and gambled most of her fortune.
- Suzanne Mullins: $4.2 million. Virginia. 1993. As of 2004: No assets left.
- Shefik Tallmadge: $6.7 million. Arizona. 1988. As of 2005: Declared bankruptcy.
- Thomas Strong: $3 million. Texas. 1993. As of 2006: Died in a shoot-out with police.
- Victoria Zell: $11 million. 2001. Minnesota. As of 2006: Broke. Serving seven year sentence for vehicular manslaughter.
- Karen Cohen: $1 million. Illinois. 1984. As of 2000: Filed for bankruptcy. As of 2006: Sentenced to 22 months for lying to federal bankruptcy court.
- Jeffrey Dampier: $20 million. Illinois. 1996. As of 2006: Kidnapped and murdered by own sister-in-law.
- Ed Gildein: $8.8 million. Texas. 1993. As of 2003: Dead. Wife saddled with his debts. As of 2005: Wife sued by her own daughter who claimed that she was taking money from a trust fund and squandering cash in Las Vegas.
- Willie Hurt: $3.1 million. Michigan. 1989. As of 1991: Addicted to cocaine. Divorced. Broke. Indicted for murder.
- Michael Klingebiel: $2 million. As of 1998 sued by own mother claiming he failed to share the jackpot with her.
- Janite Lee: $18 million. 1993. Missouri. As of 2001: Filed for bankruptcy with $700 in assets.
So, what the hell DO you do if you are unlucky enough to win the lottery?
This is the absolutely most important thing you can do right away: NOTHING.
Yes. Nothing.
DO NOT DECLARE YOURSELF THE WINNER yet.
Do NOT tell anyone. The urge is going to be nearly irresistible. Resist it. Trust me.
1. IMMEDIATELY retain an attorney.
Get a partner from a larger, NATIONAL firm. Don’t let them pawn off junior partners or associates on you. They might try, all law firms might, but insist instead that your lead be a partner who has been with the firm for a while. Do NOT use your local attorney. Yes, I mean your long-standing family attorney who did your mother’s will. Do not use the guy who fought your dry-cleaner bill. Do not use the guy you have trusted your entire life because of his long and faithful service to your family. In fact, do not use any firm that has any connection to family or friends or community. TRUST me. This is bad. You want someone who has never heard of you, any of your friends, or any member of your family. Go to the closest big city and walk into one of the national firms asking for one of the “Trust and Estates” partners you have previously looked up on http://www.martindale.com from one of the largest 50 firms in the United States which has an office near you. You can look up attorneys by practice area and firm on Martindale.
2. Decide to take the lump sum.
Most lotteries pay a really pathetic rate for the annuity. It usually hovers around 4.5% annual return or less, depending. It doesn’t take much to do better than this, and if you have the money already in cash, rather than leaving it in the hands of the state, you can pull from the capital whenever you like. If you take the annuity you won’t have access to that cash. That could be good. It could be bad. It’s probably bad unless you have a very addictive personality. If you need an allowance managed by the state, it is because you didn’t listen to point #1 above.
Why not let the state just handle it for you and give you your allowance?
Many state lotteries pay you your “allowance” (the annuity option) by buying U.S. treasury instruments and running the interest payments through their bureaucracy before sending it to you along with a hunk of the principal every month. You will not be beating inflation by much, if at all. There is no reason you couldn’t do this yourself, if a low single-digit return is acceptable to you.
You aren’t going to get even remotely the amount of the actual jackpot. Take our old friend Mr. Whittaker. Using Whittaker is a good model both because of the reminder of his ignominious decline, and the fact that his winning ticket was one of the larger ones on record. If his situation looks less than stellar to you, you might have a better perspective on how “large” your winnings aren’t. Whittaker’s “jackpot” was $315 million. He selected the lump-sum cash up-front option, which knocked off $145 million (or 46% of the total) leaving him with $170 million. That was then subject to withholding for taxes of $56 million (33%) leaving him with $114 million.
In general, you should expect to get about half of the original jackpot if you elect a lump sum (maybe better, it depends). After that, you should expect to lose around 33% of your already pruned figure to state and federal taxes. (Your mileage may vary, particularly if you live in a state with aggressive taxation schemes).
3. Decide right now, how much you plan to give to family and friends.
This really shouldn’t be more than 20% or so. Figure it out right now. Pick your number. Tell your lawyer. That’s it. Don’t change it. 20% of $114 million is $22.8 million. That leaves you with $91.2 million. DO NOT CONSULT WITH FAMILY when deciding how much to give to family. You are going to get advice that is badly tainted by conflict of interest, and if other family members find out that Aunt Flo was consulted and they weren’t you will never hear the end of it. Neither will Aunt Flo. This might later form the basis for an allegation that Aunt Flo unduly influenced you and a lawsuit might magically appear on this basis. No, I’m not kidding. I know of one circumstance (related to a business windfall, not a lottery) where the plaintiffs WON this case.
Do NOT give anyone cash. Ever. Period. Just don’t. Do not buy them houses. Do not buy them cars. Tell your attorney that you want to provide for your family, and that you want to set up a series of trusts for them that will total 20% of your after-tax winnings. Tell him you want the trust empowered to fund higher education, some help (not a total) purchase of their first home, some provision for weddings and the like, whatever. Do NOT put yourself in the position of handing out cash. Once you do, if you stop, you will be accused of being a heartless bastard (or bitch). Trust me. It won’t go well.
It will be easy to lose perspective. It is now the duty of your friends, family, relatives, hangers-on and their inner circle to skew your perspective, and they take this job quite seriously. Setting up a trust, a managed fund for your family that is in the double-digit millions is AMAZINGLY generous. You need never have trouble sleeping because you didn’t lend Uncle Jerry $20,000 in small denomination unmarked bills to start his chain of deep-fried peanut butter pancake restaurants. (“Deep’n ‘nutter Restaurants”) Your attorney will have a number of good ideas how to parse this wealth out without turning your siblings/spouse/children/grandchildren/cousins/waitresses into the latest Paris Hilton.
4. You will be encouraged to hire an investment manager. Considerable pressure will be applied. Don’t.
Investment managers charge fees, usually a percentage of assets. Consider this: If they charge 1% (which is low, I doubt you could find this deal, actually) they have to beat the market by 1% every year just to break even with a general market index fund. It is not worth it, and you don’t need the extra return or the extra risk. Go for the index fund instead if you must invest in stocks. This is a hard rule to follow. They will come recommended by friends. They will come recommended by family. They will be your second cousin on your mother’s side. Investment managers will sound smart. They will have lots of cool acronyms. They will have nice PowerPoint presentations. They might (MIGHT) pay for your shrimp cocktail lunch at TGI Friday’s while reminding you how poor their side of the family is. They live for this stuff.
You should smile, thank them for their time, and then tell them you will get back to them next week. Don’t sign ANYTHING. Don’t write it on a cocktail napkin (lottery lawsuit cases have been won and lost over drunkenly scrawled cocktail napkin addition and subtraction figures with lots of zeros on them). Never call them back. Trust me. You will thank me later. This tactic, smiling, thanking people for their time, and promising to get back to people, is going to have to become familiar. You will have to learn to say no gently, without saying the word “no.” It sounds underhanded. Sneaky. It is. And its part of your new survival strategy. I mean the word “survival” quite literally.
Get all this figured out BEFORE you claim your winnings. They aren’t going anywhere. Just relax.
5. If you elect to be more global about your paranoia, use between 20.00% and 33.00% of what you have not decided to commit to a family fund IMMEDIATELY to purchase a combination of longer-term U.S. treasuries (5 or 10 year are a good idea) and perhaps even another G7 treasury instrument. This is your safety net. You will be protected… from yourself.
You are going to be really tempted to start being a big investor. You are going to be convinced that you can double your money in Vegas with your awesome Roulette system/by funding your friend’s amazing idea to sell Lemming dung/buying land for oil drilling/by shorting the North Pole Ice market (global warming, you know). This all sounds tempting because “Even if I lose it all I still have $XX million left! Anyone could live on that comfortably for the rest of their life.” Yeah, except for 33% of everyone who won the lottery.
You’re not going to double your money, so cool it. Let me say that again. You’re not going to double your money, so cool it. Right now, you’ll get around 3.5% on the 10-year U.S. treasury. With $18.2 million (20% of $91.2 mil after your absurdly generous family gift) invested in those you will pull down $638,400 per year. If everything else blows up, you still have that, and you will be in the top 1% of income in the United States. So how about you not fuck with it. Eh? And that’s income that is damn safe. If we get to the point where the United States defaults on those instruments, we are in far worse shape than worrying about money.
If you are really paranoid, you might consider picking another G7 or otherwise mainstream country other than the U.S. according to where you want to live if the United States dissolves into anarchy or Britney Spears is elected to the United States Senate. Put some fraction in something like Swiss Government Bonds at 3%. If the Swiss stop paying on their government debt, well, then you know money really means nothing anywhere on the globe anymore. I’d study small field sustainable agriculture if you think this is a possibility. You might have to start feeding yourself.
6. That leaves, say, 80% of $91.2 million or $72.9 million.
Here is where things start to get less clear. Personally, I think you should dump half of this, or $36.4 million, into a boring S&P 500 index fund. Find something with low fees. You are going to be constantly tempted to retain “sophisticated” advisers who charge “nominal fees.” Don’t. Period. Even if you lose every other dime, you have $638,400 per year you didn’t have before that will keep coming in until the United States falls into chaos. Fuck advisers and their fees. Instead, drop your $36.4 million in the market in a low fee vehicle. Unless we have an unprecedented downturn the likes of which the United States has never seen, should return around 7.00% or so over the next 10 years. You should expect to touch not even a dime of this money for 10 or 15 or even 20 years. In 20 years $36.4 million could easily become $115 million.
7. So you have put a safety net in place.
You have provided for your family beyond your wildest dreams. And you still have $36.4 million in “cash.” You know you will be getting $638,400 per year unless the capital building is burning, you don’t ever need to give anyone you care about cash, since they are provided for generously and responsibly (and can’t blow it in Vegas) and you have a HUGE nest egg that is growing at market rates. (Given the recent dip, you’ll be buying in at great prices for the market). What now? Whatever you want. Go ahead and burn through $36.4 million in hookers and blow if you want. You’ve got more security than 99% of the country. A lot of it is in trusts so even if you are sued your family will live well, and progress across generations. If your lawyer is worth his salt (I bet he is) then you will be insulated from most lawsuits anyhow. Buy a nice house or two, make sure they aren’t stupid investments though. Go ahead and be an angel investor and fund some startups, but REFUSE to do it for anyone you know. (Friends and money, oil and water – Michael Corleone) Play. Have fun. You earned it by putting together the shoe sizes of your whole family on one ticket and winning the jackpot.
Filed under Current Events, psychology, real stories
