Tag Archives: sex

January 15, 2017 · 7:56 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Freedom Edition

Let’s not lie to ourselves. Freedom is sexy. There are many reasons to fight for it. The ability to wear a swimsuit that is indistinguishable from underwear is just one of them. The struggle for freedom is very real. It’s not exclusive to America either. This is a struggle generations upon generations have had in every era of human civilization. It’s likely that struggle will continue for generations to come.

For an aspiring erotica/romance writer, freedom is an important ingredient in crafting my stories. It tends to be much sexier when those involved freely come together, both romantically and sexually. There’s just something uniquely satisfying about two people freely ditching their clothes and celebrating their freedom in the sexiest way possible.

I’m lucky enough to live in a part of the world and in a time in history where I can enjoy a level of freedom that my ancestors would probably envy. It’s a beautiful thing and I’m grateful for it every day.

To show my gratitude, I’m here with another entry of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” These are the kinds of thoughts that are best read while naked, drunk, or listening to polka-themed disco music. I don’t intend for them to spread the joys of freedom, but I sincerely hope it gives those who enjoy not wearing pants on a Sunday morning a moment to reflect on their love of freedom.

“If love were a real drug, we’d all overdose on it some of the time. If sex were a real drug, we’d all overdose on it most of the time.”

Let’s face it. We tend to abuse drugs, especially if they make us feel good. In that sense, love and sex definitely qualify. If Big Pharma could patent these drugs and charge half a mortgage for them, they’d do it in a heartbeat and we’d still pay. The fact that one is easier to abuse than the other and that one happens to involve nudity should make us grateful that somebody hasn’t put these feelings into a pill just yet.

“The extent to which we profess our love for each other is directly proportional to how foolish we’re willing to be.”

I’m not just referring to goofy teen movies here. People will go to crazy lengths to prove how much they love someone and not just by buying an overpriced shiny rock. Show me someone who shows up at someone’s door naked and covered in chocolate with a news crew and I’ll show you someone who’s willing to go the extra mile for their lover.

“A celebrity knows they’ve become a sex symbol when they can wear pajamas to an awards show and still get laid.”

This is just common sense. Hugh Jackman and Jennifer Lawrence could wear a trash bag and a powdered wig to the Oscars and she would still be sexier than 99 percent of the women on this planet.

“Foreplay is like eating the remaining cake batter in the bowl while the cake is cooking. Afterglow is like licking up what’s left of the frosting after you’ve eaten the cake.”

As a kid, I loved licking the bowl whenever my mom baked a cake. As an adult, I learned to apply my tastes to more intimate situations. I like to think the preparations for cake prepared me for those more intimate moments.

“Sweet talk and sexy talk aren’t the same thing, but in the right circumstances, one can indirectly lead to the other.”

When things get heated, we often say one thing leads to another, but don’t get into specifics. I’m of the opinion that we use kinder, less sexy words to set the mood and the sexier words just emerge naturally from that mood. It’s a beautiful thing.

“If it really does take 10,000 hours of practice to become good at something, then shouldn’t porn stars be certified sex therapists by default?”

When want to get our car fixed, we want to see a mechanic who has fixed a lot of cars. When we need major surgery, we want a surgeon who has conducted a lot of successful surgeries. By that logic, why don’t we consult porn stars more when we need advice on sex? It’s just logic.

“Isn’t it a little bit odd that the ass is the only sexy body part that we admire by slapping it?”

This has always confused me. We caress breasts. We stroke penises. We kiss and suck with our lips. Why do we slap asses to show our admiration? It’s something I think rappers and exotic dancers should think about.

That’s it for now. Now go out there and enjoy a free and sexy Sunday!

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January 14, 2017 · 7:57 am

An Interesting Debate I Had With Someone (On Abortion)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned time and again that there are few greater wastes than arguing with people on the internet. It’s right up there with spitting in a lake to refill it. Nobody ever changed their minds about anything because they argued about it with someone on a message board. That’s just an inescapable fact.

So why do we do it? Why do we have these online debates that are about as formal as meth-fueled orgy? There are many answers to that question. Not all of those answers are entirely misguided either.

People want to connect with each other. People want to share their views with the world, no matter what they are or how crazy they may be. Look up discussions of lizard shape-shifters to see what I mean. There’s nothing inherently wrong with sharing such views. So long as nobody raises the flags of the NSA, it’s one of those wastes that can help us with the basic human need to connect.

Being an erotica/romance writer, I’m all for activities that help us meet our basic needs. However, I’ve learned from experience that it’s not a good idea to have too many debates with folks online. I was once the kind of guy who spent hours crafting elaborate, detailed posts, complete with citations and footnotes, to prove my point. I’m pretty sure I put some grad students to shame.

I put in a lot of effort to make my arguments. I really did think I would stump, confound, or convince other commenters that I was right. In the end, that effort might have been better spent trying to find new ways to deep fry donuts. It took me way too long to realize that people don’t change their minds based on what online debates. They only ever change their mind when there’s a damn good incentive.

Until the day comes when saying something stupid online earns you a painful shock to the spine, nobody should debate anyone online with the expectation that you’ll change someone’s view. That’s not to say it’s a complete waste of time. If you set reasonable expectations and focus on less divisive issues, then you can have real, honest conversations with people.

This brings me to abortion. I’ll give everyone a second or two to unclench their assholes. Bear with me. That’s not a complete non-sequiter. When it comes to my least favorite topics to discuss, abortion is right up there with explosive diarrhea. I’m a man. I don’t have babies. I can’t get an abortion. I bring absolutely nothing to this conversation and, as a principle, I generally avoid it.

That said, I did end up having an insightful conversation with someone online, which was related to abortion. It occurred on a site called Townhall.com, which is basically the complete antithesis of the Huffington Post. If you have any kind of liberal or moderate inclinations of any kind, expect the content on this site to piss you off.

I go to it because I find it helpful and insightful to visit sites that present views you don’t agree with. Townhall offers that in abundance. The rhetoric here can be downright venomous at times and not just because Ann Coulter writes regular columns. Some of the commenters on this site would make Nixon himself look like a hippie.

Naturally, that means you’ll find a lot of pro-life, anti-abortion discussions here. You’ll also get no fewer than 20 Nazi references when discussing it. As a general principle, and in respect to those with a weak stomach, I try to avoid these discussions. However, one discussion in particular revealed something that’s worth sharing.

In a column I won’t cite, just because I don’t want to give the writer more exposure than he deserves, I got into a discussion with someone who was vehemently pro-life. He or she was the kind of person who would probably force women who’ve had abortions to tattoo a fetus to their forehead to shame them for their choice.

Debating with people like this is usually an exercise in futility, right up there with teaching quantum mechanic to a chimp. However, I tried to dig a little deeper into this person’s rhetoric. I asked them to try one of my little thought experiments, which I’m so fond of on this blog. It went like this:

Imagine that tomorrow morning, someone announced they’ve created the perfect form of contraception. It’s easy to use, it’s effective, it’s relatively cheap, it has no side-effects, and it functions in a way that ensures an egg and a sperm will never meet. No conception ever occurs. As such, no abortion ever occurs or is necessary. Would you, a pro-life advocate, be in favor of making this contraception mandatory for all of breeding age in order to end abortion once and for all?

This is one of those thought experiments that’ll either derail a conversation or just get you blocked. It’s also an experiment that has the possibility to become relevant one day because the technology to perfectly control our fertility, male and female, may very well emerge in our lifetime.

It’s a possibility that I find exposes a dirty secret in the pro-life crowd. While there are a few who genuinely believe that abortion constitutes the murder of an innocent life, there is also a sizable chunk that is vehemently anti-sex. They see abortion as just a means for people to have consequence-free sex and that doesn’t sit well with them.

I can understand why, especially from religiously-motivated arguments. Anything that leads to consequence-free sex is going to get the clergy of any religion up in arms. However, that’s another issue altogether. We expect religion to oppose anything that might distract people from giving them tax-free donations. It’s the other chunk of the pro-life crowd that are a bit more transparent with their sentiment.

For this particular person, however, I actually got a pretty insightful response. Not surprisingly, this person was not at all in favor of mandating that this perfect contraception be mandated as a means to end abortion entirely. Initially, I thought this exposed the person as one of those repressive anti-sex types. I turned out to be wrong. This was the person’s justification:

Once you start limiting peoples freedom for their own good you get slavery.

This weren’t against the use perfect contraception. He or she even said they’d gladly take it. However, the idea of forcing people to use it to end abortion just exchanged one immoral act for another. Regardless of how you may feel about abortion, I think we can all relate and respect that sentiment to some degree.

I tried probing a little deeper. I compared making perfect contraception mandatory to requiring seatbelts. Apparently, this person was against that as well. He or she did not make an exception between contraception and seatbelts. These are the exact words from the response.

So the answer to your last two questions is, of course it is immoral to force people to wear seat belts and forcing people to stop at red light is for the protection of others.

I really couldn’t go farther than that. I think the person effectively made their point. This person is an ardent libertarian. Coercion of any kind, even the kind that would end abortion completely, is every bit as immoral.

Again, I can really understand that. This person showed some consistency in their rhetoric, which is somewhat rare on the internet, as anyone who ever visited a Twilight message board can attest. I admit it was somewhat refreshing because most don’t even attempt the thought experiment. This person made an effort and for that, he or she has my respect.

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January 13, 2017 · 7:00 am

Love Or Obsession: Big Bang Theory Edition

It’s okay to love things that are flawed. Hell, if we weren’t able to love things that are flawed, romance as we know it would be impossible. It’s our ability to overlook, understand, and even appreciate flaws that allows us to love each other and the things that bring us joy in life.

That brings me to one of my favorite TV shows, The Big Bang Theory. I’ve talked about it before, specifically when discussing toxic relationships. I don’t doubt that plenty of fans of the show disagree with my assessment. I still stand by my criticism. Remember, I crafted that post with the full disclaimer that I love this show, despite its flaws.

With that love and admiration in mind, I’d like this show to be the subject of my next entry of “Love Or Obsession.” I’m actually enjoying this little exercise, breaking down iconic romances and assessing whether they constitute love or obsession. It helps add a new perspective to my understanding of romance and erotica. For someone in my field, that understanding is vital.

In the spirit of such understanding, I’d like to do this exercise for the three major romances on the show. To fans of the show, I understand I’m leaving Raj out for the moment. I was going to assess him and Emily, but that plot seems to have fallen to the wayside. If that changes, I’ll do a follow-up post. For now, I’ll be focusing on the big three, which is Penny/Leonard, Sheldon/Amy, and Howard/Bernadette.

Again, I’m open to discussing these assessments. If you disagree with me, let me know. I’m certainly willing to discuss this topic. I think, if we’re going to appreciate romance in media, it’s a discussion worth having.

Penny/Leonard

Love Or Obsession?
Obsession

This one is, by far, the most important and iconic romance to the show. It also happens to be the one that bothers me most, as I’ve said before. This romance began at the very beginning of the show and has been a major driving force for every episode since. It’s presented as cute and it does lead to many entertaining subplots, but there’s no getting around how flawed it is.

Leonard is obsessed with Penny. He was obsessed from the moment he saw her. He was obsessed with being with her, being the man for her, and being the guy who ends up with her. There are times when I don’t think he separates the concept of loving Penny as a person and loving Penny as an idea. The concept means more than the person. Being a socially awkward nerd, this does make sense, albeit in a pathetic sort of way.

With Penny, I don’t think there’s quite as much obsession involved. I think on some levels, her love for Leonard is genuine. However, there are also times with her when I think she loves the concept more than the person. What I mean by that is she loves Leonard because he’s not the same as the guys who have hurt her in the past. That’s not a good basis for any romance.

On top of that, Penny knows she can control Leonard. She knows he can never get someone like her. She controls the relationship. She controls Leonard in pretty much every way. It’s not a healthy relationship. There is love, but it is grossly overshadowed by the flaws and the obsession behind them.

Amy/Sheldon

Love Or Obsession?
Love

This is probably the second most important relationship in the show, if only for the entertainment value it constantly brings. Amy and Sheldon are not a normal romance because they’re very abnormal individuals. They have extreme quirks that constitute major personality disorders.

Despite this, or because of this, they find a way to work. They find a way to complement each other. They annoy and challenge each other, but they’re better because of it. Amy is stronger because of Sheldon. Sheldon is less of a self-centered asshat because of Amy. This is one of those relationships that makes both sides better. I’d argue it’s probably one of the strangest, but most productive relationships on TV right now.

That’s an odd thing to say because these two characters are so odd. Sheldon, especially, takes oddities and proclivities to such an extreme that anyone who puts up with him deserves incredible sympathy. While Amy does get annoyed at times, she still puts in the effort and, despite needing a nudge every now and then, Sheldon does the same.

Every episode, it seems as though these two find a new way to annoy each other. In the end though, they find a way to be closer. It’s an incredibly odd, but fittingly beautiful thing.

Howard/Bernadette

Love Or Obsession?
Love (Mostly)

This one is hard to assess, especially since Howard was such a creepy jerk early in the show. He grew up over successive seasons, becoming more likable along the way. He’s still self-centered, lazy, and arrogant at times, but there’s no doubt that he loves Bernadette. He will go out of his way for her. He will do what he has to do to prove that he loves her, even if she needs to twist his arm.

I rule this as love not just because they were the first couple to get married. I render this ruling because I never got the impression that these two were obsessed with one another or that their relationship was built on pure infatuation. They learned to love each other as individuals and not be totally defined by their relationship.

I still added the “mostly” there because, like Penny and Leonard, it’s an unbalanced relationship. It’s not nearly as unbalanced, but it’s still a relationship where one side, namely Bernadette, exercises a larger role. She makes more money than Howard. She’s more assertive than Howard. She can get him to do things like a trained pet.

Despite this imbalance, their love does come off as genuine. They do complement each other in some respects. It’s not a wholly healthy relationship, but it works and there is a fair amount of love guiding it.

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January 12, 2017 · 6:59 am

What The NCAA Says About Our Sexual Attitudes

Is anybody else still buzzing from the College Football Championship game earlier this week? I sure am. I still feel like I just left a rock concert and my ears are still ringing. At least with Monday’s game, I don’t have to worry about permanent hearing damage down the line.

In case you’ve been in a coma for the past several days, Alabama and Clemson played one of the most epic college football games in history. It was a hell of a game from start to finish, full of big plays, big turning points, and players that really rose to the occasion. It highlighted everything I love about football, a sport I’ve loved since I was a kid.

As much as I love football though, there is one component about college football that still bothers me. It’s not necessarily the football part though. That’s the fun part that most sports fans can get behind. It’s the college component.

This doesn’t just apply to football either. I watch other college sports from time-to-time, mainly basketball. When I was in college, I even knew some college athletes. It’s a big part of college life. Between class and keggers, college sports are a big part of the culture. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to see it in a different context, one that is probably a byproduct of being an erotica/romance writer.

Unlike the professional ranks, college athletes don’t get paid. Sure, they get a scholarship to a school (although it can be revoked and rescinded at any time), but they don’t make any money directly. It doesn’t matter if your Deshaun Watson, the quarterback from Clemson who just became an icon at his school, or some backup point guard on the basketball team. They don’t make a penny directly.

This is kind of odd because the NCAA, the governing body for college sports, made over $1 billion in 2014 alone. They made this money despite not having to pay a dime to the actual people who play these sports that entertain us so much, namely the athletes.

Understandably, there are some folks who have a problem with this. The issue of paying college athletes is a sensitive issue, so much so that South Park dedicated an entire episode to mocking it with crack babies. It’s as entertaining and offensive as it sounds. Since the basic rule of thumb is that if South Park mocks it, then it must be a serious issue, it’s safe to assume there’s some major controversy/injustice going on.

Now I’m not going to dedicate this entire post to arguing for or against paying college athletes. That is a complex issue with more wrinkles than a porn star’s bed sheets. I’m not entirely qualified to discuss the particulars of this issue, but someone like John Oliver is. Last year, he dedicated a show to reviewing this issue and, as he often does, he breaks it down in a pretty astonishing way.

In watching this, it’s hard to feel much sympathy for the NCAA. That would be like feeling sympathy for the New York Yankees for not winning the World Series this past year. It’s an organization full of bureaucrat businessmen whose sole purpose is to make more money for the organization. I don’t mind people making money, but when it involves exploiting people to such a degree, I have a problem.

Then again, there might be other forces at work here beyond the greed of the NCAA and those who share in their profits. It’s a force that John Oliver never touched on and rightly so. It’s one of those forces that’s clearly there, but the implications are hard to see.

Watch that clip again and focus on the parts about the coaches and administrators making all that money from these college athletes. Do you notice something about them? Well, don’t look too hard. It’s fairly bland on the surface. A lot of these people are older individuals. They’re either at middle-age or beyond. They wear suits, they sit at desks, and they have as much sex appeal as a shaved cat.

Why do I bring this up? It’s not just to mock the ages of those involved. That’s just wrong. I mention their ages because it highlights an unspoken facet of our sexual attitudes. Listen to older folk talk about the sexual behaviors of the younger generation for more than five minutes and you’ll probably hear the same story, assuming you have a strong enough stomach.

Most will complain that these kids are out of control. They’re all a big ball of hormones, ticking time bombs that will go off at the sight of anything that looks like a tit. Put them in a room with anything that’s even somewhat alive and they’ll find a way to fuck it. They’re just that horny. They’re just that decadent.

Never mind that this generation, the Millennials, is having less sex than previous generations. This is the perception of the older crowd. It’s a perception that every older crowd seems to have about younger crowds in some form or another. Whether it’s baby boomers, hippies, yuppies, or whatever crazy generations emerged in Ancient Egypt, old people whined about them.

Why do they whine? Why does younger people having sex make them so upset? Well, if you’re older, you’re more likely to have kids. That means you’re also likely to have a daughter. Talk to any proud father about their daughter and chances are, they’ll vomit uncontrollably if they think about their daughter having any kind of sex that doesn’t involve making a grand-baby that will care for them in a nursing home.

It hearkens back to the Bronze Age idea that men must protect their daughter’s virginity, as though it’s some sort of precious commodity that they can later sell for a juicy dowry. Never mind that this isn’t the goddamn Bronze Age and it’s illegal to sell your children. Older men still recoil at the idea of their precious girls being defiled by hormonal men.

So how does this apply to college athletes? Well, anyone who saw the movie Varsity Blues has a vague idea. College athletes are big, strong, handsome, and a good chunk of them are minorities. They don’t just attract women. They can physically overpower them, sometimes in horribly violent ways.

The idea of paying these young men money, which they could then use to more effectively have sex with more women, probably doesn’t sit well with the older men who coach and govern college sports. Some of them may even worry that their own daughters, sisters, girlfriends, or mistresses will fall prey to a handsome, athletic stud’s charms.

It’s fairly undeniable that young athletes are quite horny and quite eager to fuck. The stories that come out of Olympic Village every four years during the Olympics are proof of that. For the NCAA and the old folk who run it, they just can’t stomach the idea of giving these young men too many resources. They’ll just use them to do more humping.

Now this is just the wild interpretation of an erotica/romance writer. I’m not saying that this thought crosses the minds of those in the NCAA when they’re arguing against paying college athletes. However, I do think there’s an unspoken concern that older generations have about the young, one that makes them look for excuses to not give them too many resources.

In some respects, I understand that. I like to think I was fairly mature when I was young, but there’s no way I could’ve made real, adult decisions about the future of my life at 18, which is when most college athletes start their careers. Give me a lot of money and athletic prowess and I might find a way to fuck it up.

Then again, is the problem really that college athletes are too horny and immature? Or is it that we just treat them with the expectation that this is how they’re going to be and they can’t possibly be any different? It’s just something to think about the next time you hear someone make excuses on why we shouldn’t give too much money to young, handsome, athletic men.

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January 11, 2017 · 7:00 am

Lessons From The First Round Of Revisions For “Passion Relapse”

I have my first major update of my pending novels for 2017. As I announced last year, one of my books, “Passion Relapse,” was accepted by a publisher. It’s an exciting development for me in my efforts to become a published writer. It also starts a much more arduous process that every aspiring writer must endure and that’s edits.

I knew this going in. It’s something that is destined to put a few dents in your ego, among other things. When you write a story, even one you put your heart and soul into, it’s going to be flawed. It’s going to need revisions. Some are extremely extensive revisions. Some take it as an affront to their work, as though anyone who dares to question its quality is no better than someone who hits them in the shin with a baseball bat.

When you’re trying to make a career of something, you can’t assume right off the back that you’re that good. With everything I write, no matter how much effort I put into it, I assume it’s mediocre at best and crap at worst. I accept that it needs revisions and polish. I’ve had to do a lot of that on my own, sometimes with help of an editor. With “Passion Relapse,” though, I have a more official process for revising my work.

Over the past weekend, I received the first round of edits for my manuscript. Keep in mind, this is a manuscript I already revised before, having rewritten the entire ending at the request of the publisher. The editor from the publisher already told me this is just the first round. That means I can expect this manuscript to undergo some pretty extensive revisions that are sure to reveal just how far I have to go.

The first round of edits certainly implied I had room for improvement. My editor revealed some rather unflattering tendencies I have in my writing, namely the kind you really can’t pick up on by yourself. No matter how good you think you are at something, you’re always going to be somewhat blind to your flaws. I’m certainly no exception.

With this first round of edits, I got a feel for the sheer breadth of my flaws. They’re definitely there. They definitely undermined the overall quality of the story. I still believe in the value of that story and so does the publisher. It’s the refinements that need work and I’m willing to work with my editor to complete those refinements.

However, in doing so, I’ve gained a greater understanding of the skills I need to improve for future novels. Make no mistake. I have many ideas for future novels. I’ve been holding off on a few because I want to learn something from this editing process to make future submissions easier. One skill, in particular, stands out among the others and it’s kind of an important skill for my genre.

I need to write better sex scenes.

I know. That sounds like a hell of an oversight for someone who identifies as an erotica/romance writer. Struggling with that is like being a horror writer, but not being able to write scenes that scare people. That’s a big freakin’ deal for me and I need to be better.

Specifically, my editor revealed that I’m a bit too analytical with my scenes. I spend too much time describing what’s actually happening and not enough on the actual emotions involved. That matters because one part is sexy and the other isn’t. People tend to get more turned on by what people do with their genitals than mere descriptions of said genitals.

I’ve also learned that I need to make sure the actions I describe are linked to the characters. What I mean by that is sometimes I tend to describe body parts or actions that have a mind of their own. There are times when that works, but most of the time it doesn’t. For the story I’m writing in “Passion Relapse,” it’s not really a scenario that applies.

While this is pretty striking for an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I’m glad someone pointed it out. That’s not to say I agree with everything my editor told me, but I do see plenty of merit in improving my craft. If it means my novels contain hotter, sexier content, then I’m willing to put in that extra work.

For now, I’m done with the first round of edits. I’m now waiting for the second round. I don’t entirely know what that entails yet, but I’ll be sure to provide updates as more details come in. I want to make “Passion Relapse” as great a book as possible. That means making it as sexy as possible. For that, I’m willing to do my part.

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January 8, 2017 · 8:41 am

Sexy Sunday Thoughts: Playoff Edition

If you’re an American Football fan, then this is a wonderful time of you for you. It’s playoff time! That’s right, the NFL playoffs start today. This is one of those years where I don’t have a lot of teams I’m rooting for. I have quite a few teams I’m rooting against, but sometimes that’s the best you can do in sports.

I’ll definitely be enjoying my share of the NFL playoffs for this week and the next couple weeks. Watching football is a great excuse to just pop open some beers, gorge on chicken wings, and relax. You usually don’t need too many excuses for that, but it helps.

You’d think that contact sports involving a bunch of big, strong, sweaty men ramming into each other at full speed wouldn’t inspire sexy thoughts. Actually, I don’t know why anyone would think that. Anything that works up a sweat or raises the heart can send all sorts of sexy signals to your brain. For an erotica/romance writer, those signals are always welcome.

So I’d like to make use of them today with another edition of Jack Fisher’s “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” Hope this helps get everyone in the mood for the NFL playoffs, among other things. I consider it a public service from an aspiring erotica/romance writer, if only to keep people warm during the cold winter.

“Having an attractive pool cleaning guy is the male equivalent of having a hot secretary.”

How many pornos and bad movies that only air after midnight on Cinemax use this scenario? It’s overplayed. It’s predictable. It’s even a little flat. Even so, it can still be fun. It can still be sexy. Sometimes you just gotta stick with what works.

“For the excessively homophobic crowd, eating a hotdog or a banana must cause some serious anxiety.”

I have little to no sympathy for those who champion homophobia. I stash their sentiment in the same pile of trash as those who claim that letting kids playing dodge ball counts as abuse. However, I do sometimes wonder how stressful it must be to hold such extreme, bigoted views on an empty stomach.

“Give men a tax break for the number of real orgasms they give their wives and the number of happy marriages will increase considerably.”

This is just one of those crazy ideas that comes to an aspiring erotica/romance writer while he’s lying in bed at night, contemplating ways to change the world. Powerful, politically connected men are all about tax breaks these days. Provide a little orgasmic incentive and that power can be put to good use.

“Every time you see a really nice table in someone couple’s home, assume someone has been bent over and fucked on it at least once.”

This is simple math and connection here. You eat your meals on a nice table. You put your best cloths and flatware on a nice table. Naturally, if you’ve got a lover, you’re going to put them on there too and fuck their brains out. Sometimes people are just too horny to make it to the bedroom.

“The color of your bed sheets can inadvertently reveal how messy or dull your sex life might be.”

This time, it’s basic physics and chemistry at work here. Certain bed sheets, especially those of a darker color, tend to reveal certain stains more than others. The presence or absence of those stains can say a lot about your sex life.

“Giving sex education to horny teenagers can only go so far. Giving them sexual training might actually help their love lives down the line and they might actually be eager to learn it.”

As a former horny teenager, this is something I can relate to. My teachers can tell me everything there is to know about how a penis and vagina work. I’m not going to know if I’m doing it right without a little guidance. I’m not saying that it’s wholly feasible in high school, but it would make everyone a lot more excited to go to school.

“From a pure numbers perspective, women’s vaginas have cracked more bank accounts than every hacker or bank robber in history.”

I’ve watched many crime movies. I’ve heard all sorts of crazy stories about elaborate heists and hacks. Then, I recall how divorce laws work in this country and realize that if you’re going to crack a safe, sometimes a vagina and a great pair of tits is the best tools you can have. You don’t see too many sexy female bank robbers, do you?

That’s it for now. Enjoy the NFL playoffs and keep your tables clean!

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January 6, 2017 · 6:23 am

Love Vs. Obsession: Why Knowing The Difference Is So Vital

We’ve all asked ourselves one fateful question. It also happens to be the question at the basis of 85 percent of all romance movies and 99 percent of all bubblegum pop music songs. It affects us all in some form or another and is a core component of the human experience.

“How do I know I’m in love?”

It’s a profound, but beautiful question to ask. To love someone is a big part of being human. One could argue it’s one of the most important parts of being human. Being in love is one of those basic, emotional experiences that drives us all. We seek out love because it helps make life worth living. Like chocolate, bacon, and hot showers on a cold winter day, it fulfills us on a fundamental level.

Love is a beautiful thing. It’s a beauty I get to admire from a unique perspective as an erotica/romance writer. Pretty much all of my books deal with love in some form or another. Some books, like “Holiday Heat” and “The Escort and the Gigolo,” go to great lengths to build up a romance. Others, like “The Final Communion” and “Jackpot,” use less elaborate forms of romance.

Whatever form it takes, I enjoy writing about romance and many of my future novels will deal heavily in romance. When mixed with a healthy dose of erotic undertones, it can make for some pretty potent narratives, among other things.

As much as we love romance and as critical it is to the human experience, there’s another question that’s somewhat linked to romance, albeit indirectly. It’s a question we don’t ask ourselves quite as often and in some cases, that’s becomes a big problem. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, and distressing to think about. That’s a clear sign that it’s still worth asking.

“How do I know I’m obsessed?”

Stay with me here. I know some snicker at that question the same way they would if a five-year-old came up to them and asked why dogs don’t talk. It seems like an unrelated question. It seems like something that really shouldn’t enter the equation when talking about love, but it does. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s a big part of the flawed narrative we collectively craft about what love is.

This is another insight I’ve been contemplating while reading “Sex At Dawn,” a book that has already offered quite a few insights into the mechanics of sex and love. The sexy parts are plenty interesting to say the least, if only for those who opt to wear tight pants, but the parts about love are just as insightful.

A big part of “Sex At Dawn,” involves breaking down what it describes as the “Standard Model.” Again, this model is just the stereotypical boy-meets-girl-and-they-live-happily-ever-after-like-an-old-Disney-movie narrative. It’s very familiar to modern Western civilization. It’s the ideal embodied in sitcoms, music, and movies.

However, in analyzing this model, the book highlights a few unflattering features that are hard to overlook. A big part of this standard model requires that the man and the woman be completely devoted to one another, the first thought they have when they wake up and the last thought they have when they go to sleep, presumably after a quick round of highly-scheduled, missionary-style sex.

That’s all wonderfully romantic on the surface, but take a closer look at the finer details of this narrative. They’re completely devoted. They direct all their romantic and sexual energy at each other. Their thoughts and feelings are completely narrow and focused on a singular person. At what point does that kind of sentiment turn from romance into obsession?

I ask that question knowing there isn’t a fine line. However, it’s difficult to decouple the details of this narrative from the definition of “obsession.” According to Dictionary.com, the definition for “Obsession” is as follows:

  • The domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

With this definition in mind, think back to the narrative surrounding the standard model of romance I mentioned earlier. How much of that romance is built on love and how much of it is built on obsession?

It’s a hard, if not impossible question to answer, but it’s a question that’s worth contemplating because it reveals something about the nature of our emotions. Part of being in love is to desire someone and to be desired. However, sometimes our faulty, flawed brains take it too far and that can really hamper the romance.

When someone is obsessed with someone, especially when it’s done out of love, it consumes a person so completely that they struggle to function on a basic level. They can’t focus at work. They can’t focus with family. They can’t focus on whatever goals, aspirations, or dreams they may have had in their lives. It all becomes secondary because of a person.

A good way to contrast this is to look at it from the opposite end of the spectrum. There are all sorts of people who are obsessed with someone out of hate. There are even entire groups devoted to hating others. For most reasonable people, this is deplorable. Devoting that much time and energy into hating someone just seems wrong. It makes no sense.

So if hate is that wrong when taken to extremes, why should love be different? Isn’t that just as unhealthy? I admit it’s not an entirely fair comparison. Comparing love and hate is like comparing candied bacon with expired kale. They’re two very different manifestations of something that’s so basic, broad, and varied. That doesn’t make the extremes any less damaging.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but then again shooting heroin and smoking crack can feel wonderful too. That doesn’t mean that it’s healthy. The problem is that Disney movies, pop songs, and bad romance novels have created this ideal about what love is and some of that ideal involves more obsession than love.

There are plenty of examples to explore and I plan on doing more blog posts on this issue. I hope to break it down a bit more, if only to help me craft more complex, engaging romances in my novels. For now, I’ll focus on one particular example involving music.

When it comes to sappy love songs, pop music can always be counted on to give us a massive glut of material from boy bands, country stars, and 80s hair metal bands. There are so many love songs out there of so many different kinds that if super-intelligent aliens landed tomorrow, even they would be confused about how our music defines love.

This leads me to a very famous song that is often mistaken for a love song. It also happened to be one of the biggest pop hits in 1983, voted song of the year by Rolling Stone. Chances are, if you’re over the age of 30, you’ve heard it at some point or another. If you aren’t familiar with the lyrics, you’re at least familiar with that soothingly haunting tune and the undeniably handsome face of Sting.

This song was, and still is to some extent, widely regarded as a love song. However, if you look at the lyrics a bit closer, how much of it is love and how much of it is obsession?

Every Breath You Take

Every Move You Make

Every Bond You Break

Every Step You Take

I’ll Be Watching You

In a certain context, that sounds sweet. It sounds like something a dying spouse would tell their lover before they passed away to provide comfort.

In another context, it sounds creepy as hell. It sounds like a note a stalker would leave someone, as if to warn them that they can never escape their obsession.

The mere fact that such context is even needed says a lot about our inconsistent sentiments towards love and romance. On one hand, we want to be desired. On the other, we don’t want to be stalked by someone who devotes every waking hour to obsessing over us. It’s a tough balancing act.

This conflict is something that even Sting himself, the writer of this song, admitted in a 1993 interview. He goes onto say:

 “I didn’t realize at the time how sinister it is. I think I was thinking of Big Brother, surveillance and control.”

Again, it’s pretty telling when we can’t tell whether a song is about love or obsession. It says a lot about how we assess love, sex, and romance. Since I’m in the romance/erotica business (or at least trying to be part of it), it’s something I think I need to assess more than most.

At the end of the day, stories about love and romance still strike us on a fundamental level. They have an appeal that spans generations, civilizations, and terrible pop music. I want to channel that appeal with my novels because in the end, a story about love will always be more compelling than a story about obsession.

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January 4, 2017 · 5:52 am

Women’s Tastes In Porn (Involves Lesbians)

Brace yourselves because I’m about to say something that’s going to explode heads and confuse genitals everywhere. Are you sitting down? Has it been a while since your last meal? If not, take about a half-hour or so to let it digest. You’ll thank me later. I promise.

Are you back? Are you sitting? Are you bracing yourself appropriately? Okay, here goes. Again, don’t say I didn’t warn you because this is going to shock more people than it should.

Women do watch porn.

Are you done gasping? Have you picked your jaw up off the floor? Take a moment to let this sink in. If you live in North America, a part of the world with a rich tradition of schizophrenic attitudes towards sex, you’ll probably need more than a few. Being an aspiring erotica/romance writer, I need to be in touch with those attitudes. Yes, that includes understanding women’s preferences in porn?

Why do I bring this up? Well, aside from the fact that it’s easy to garner extra attention when you talk about women and porn, it is a relevant topic for me. I want my writing to appeal to everyone, men and women alike. Being a healthy heterosexual man, I have a fairly good idea of what men like, be it porn, TV, and fast food. I need to dig a little deeper for women’s preferences.

That’s actually not as difficult as it sounds. Yes, I know the concept of understanding women is often equated to understanding quantum physics. No, I don’t believe that’s accurate. That’s just an overplayed gimmick in every bad romantic comedy made since 1977.

It is possible to understand women on some levels. You just have to do something so simple, yet so revolutionary, even in 2017. You have to actually listen. I’ll give everyone another moment to stop gasping.

Now I’m not saying I’m a professional listener, but I have a functioning brain and functioning ears. Those are the most vital tools last I checked. In addition, there are others who just announce to the world what women think and what they find sexy. You just have to be willing and able to listen. Again, it’s not as hard as it sounds. It did not need to be a sub-standard Mel Gibson movie.

One such medium that has been very informative to this blog before is ThinkTank. They’re not scientific. They’re not overly preachy either. They’re about as balanced as you can get on the internet these days, which I know is not saying much.

Understanding that anything on the internet has about as much scientific validity as a Star Trek rerun, I still find their discussions informative. Recently, one of those discussions involved women’s tastes in porn. Naturally, my ears perked up, as did other parts of my body. Since I’m trying to appeal to women’s sexy sensibilities, I had to listen to some parts more than others.

Here’s the video. It’s fairly SFW and not overly graphic. It does, however, paint an interesting (and telling) picture.

So apparently, this admittedly unscientific study found out that women in North America love lesbian porn. They love lesbian porn a lot. As a man, I say bless their female hearts because I think that’s something a lot of American men can rally behind. We don’t agree on much, but we can sure as hell agree that lesbian porn is sexy as hell.

That said, I don’t think we’ll agree on the factors behind this. I know there are radical feminists and even a few overly religious types who will whine about the extent to which women are sexualized. I don’t doubt that happens. It’s fairly well-documented, albeit incomplete, that women are more sexualized in North American media than men.

I’ve already done posts about objectification and why I think the whining about that is misguided. There also is some science to back up the claim that men are more visual creatures than women, although that science is incomplete. In this case, I think women’s tastes in porn reflect something else that actually unites genders.

One of the unique traits of lesbian porn is that it’s focused on the wants and needs of the women. It kind of has to be for pragmatic purposes. In addition, those involves in lesbian porn are, by and large, presented as equals. This is more a product of men and women being biologically and physiologically different. When two women are involved, it makes for more equal dynamics and not just because they have the same anatomy.

It’s because of that equality that the mood, tone, and appeal of lesbian porn is unique. I think that uniqueness appeals to women, especially in North America, because so much popular culture, including porn, creates all these woefully unequal relationships. It’s either the man who overshadows the women or the woman who busts the balls of the man. It’s often either/or and rarely anything in between.

It can happen though. A single X-men comic that came out last year proved that a relationship of equals can really work. It’s the kind of relationship I’m trying to craft in my novels. My upcoming book, “Passion Relapse,” really makes an effort at this and I hope it has that unique appeal to women and men alike.

Now I’m sure there are other factors in play. There are probably a whole host of other reasons as to why lesbian porn appeals to so many women. We live in a culture that uses beautiful women as the apex of all things sexual. One beautiful woman has the sex appeal of ten George Clooneys. That’s just how our schizophrenic culture operates at the moment.

With that in mind, I do expect tastes to change and evolve. Today, lesbian porn may be the preferred porn of choice for women. That may change in five years. For all we know, foot fetishes and finger-banging will come into style. It’s hard to say. I can’t predict the proclivities of an entire culture. I can just take note, listen to the whims of others as well as my own, and adapt my sexy novels accordingly.

One final note on lesbian porn for now. If you’re a woman and you enjoy a little bit of lesbian loving in your private moments, check out my book, “Holiday Heat.” The holidays may be over, but the sex appeal of this book should keep your spirits high.

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December 29, 2016 · 8:30 am

Online Dating: Should Give It A (Third) Try?

We live in an era where people have a more intimate relationship with their smart phone than they’ll ever have with another person. Think about it. People tell their phone all their dirtiest secrets, trust it to keep those secrets, and turn to it in their time of need, no matter how serious or trivial the situation may be. In the grand scheme of things, a smart phone is a lover, an accomplice, a therapist, and a butler all rolled into one.

There may come a day when our phones and our technology will take the place of lovers. There are some parts of the world where sex robots are already a thing. Until then, though, we will continue to seek out human companionship in some form or another.

I certainly love my smart phone, but I’m not going to form an intimate relationship with it. I can’t make love to it. I can’t enjoy foreplay with it, which is kind of important to me. Maybe I’m old fashioned by today’s standards, but I’d rather have a person as a lover.

This is something I’ve talked about before as a concern. I am in my 30s now and I’m a single male. The older I get, the greater the creepiness factor will escalate. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the creepy guy on the block. I’m already the guy on the block who wears flip-flops and a bathing suit to a coffee shop. That’s the most my reputation can handle.

So as I was getting together with friends and family for the holidays, I started having conversations about my goals for 2017. Naturally, most of those goals involved being a successful erotica/romance writer and a more awesome guy in general. Those have been my goals for years now and I like to think I’m making progress in both.

That said, one goal in particular came up and I’m the one who brought it up. Maybe it was due to me seeing so many members of my family find love in their own way. Maybe it’s just the male version of a biological clock starting to go off in my 30-year-old brain. At some point, I do want to find love again and I’d like to make that part of my goals for 2017.

The problem is I have piss poor social skills. I can write novels. I can talk about comics and football for four hours straight. I can work out until I’m a big mass of muscle and sweat. I still can’t, for the life of me, find a way to properly interact with the opposite sex on a face-to-face level. I struggle to enter that mindset where I can use my words and my gestures to win a woman’s heart.

That’s a big reason why I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in a number of years now. It’s for that same reason I really want to change things up for 2017. One approach that many family members suggest is to use online dating. That’s something several family members have used to great success in some form or another. The problem is I have experience with it too and it’s not all that pleasant.

A while back, I did give online dating a try. In fact, I gave it two tries. I signed up for two popular sites and since I don’t know any good lawyers, I won’t name names. I’ll just say you’ve probably seen commercials for both of them.

I put some serious effort into these sites. I worked hard on my profile. I made sure my pictures weren’t too goofy or unflattering. I tried to paint a picture of being an awesome guy with plenty to offer a prospective lover. I must have not tried hard enough because, despite spending both time and money, I basically got zilch out of it. I probably would’ve been more productive trying to seduce a tree.

It’s not that the sites themselves failed me. I just think I’m shoveling sand against the tide with online dating. I’m a single male. There are a lot of single males on the internet looking for love and not all of it is of the healthy variety. The disparity between single males and single females on the internet is pretty goddamn staggering. If you’re a woman of average physical attractiveness, online dating is like a candy store. For men, it’s basically akin to fighting over table scraps.

That was my experience. It wasted my time and my money. It also made me feel ugly, unattractive, and unloved. It was not a pleasant experience. That said, it’s not like what I’m doing now is working any better. I need to do something different if I’m going to find a lover.

So with a healthy bit of skepticism and an unhealthy bit of frustration, I’m thinking of giving online dating a try again. I will definitely not use the same sites I did last time. I will try to use another. I will even invest some money into it. There’s no romance without finance, especially if you’re a man like me. It’s not necessarily fair, but that’s the way the world works.

Again, I’m doing this because my options just seem so limited. I’m a young single man and there are just too many of them on this planet right now and not enough women are willing to give them a chance. I need to find a way to be more awesome than all of these men. I don’t know how I’ll accomplish that, but I’d like to give it a try in 2017. Wish me luck.

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December 21, 2016 · 6:01 am

Man’s Best Advice To Women (According To Sam Kinison)

Before I say anything on this post that’s going to put undue pressure on my balls, let me make one thing clear. I am not a therapist. I am not psychiatrist. I may write a lot about sex, love, intimacy, and society, but I am not an expert. I’m as much an expert on this issues as I am a brain surgeon.

I’m an erotica/romance writer. What I know about these issues is strictly limited to my own personal experience, my own unique observations, and my ability to do rudimentary research on Google and Wikipedia. With that in mind, please don’t take what I say as the words of an expert or specialist. I am an aspiring erotica/romance writer. That is the extent of my qualifications.

Why do I make this disclaimer? Well, part of it is to cover my ass legally and to protect my balls metaphorically because I’m about to do something I try not to do unless asked. I’m going to give advice.

Please keep this advice in context though. I am a single man whose success in erotica/romance is still a work-in-progress wherein said progress is very little. I understand that gives me a credibility problem. Then again, this is a world where men like Glenn Beck still has credibility somehow so that’s another context to consider.

All that being said, I’d like to share this advice to everyone, but specifically I want to share it with women. It can just as easily apply to same-sex couples, but being a straight male, it’ll apply most directly to women.

This advice actually comes from specific source and no, that source isn’t a certified therapist either. That source is Sam Kinison. Who is Sam Kinison? Well, his Wikipedia page will only tell you so much. Pretty much everything you need to know about him and his style comes from a clip in the Rodney Dangerfield movie, “Back to School.”

Are your ears still ringing? Don’t worry. That’s normal. That’s what tends to happen with Sam Kinison. He’s legendary in comedy circles for his style and the unique noise his makes when he yells. Some find it frustrating. Some find it magical. I think it’s just a damn good way to get a point across.

Sam Kinison had may points to make during his brief, but eventful life. A lot of those points had to do with sex and women. Having been divorced twice, he had plenty of material. In fact, much of his comedy involves him yelling at and railing on women, marriage, and everything in between.

That’s not to say he only ever complained. If he did, that would just make him an overly loud whiner. That was not Sam Kinison’s style. He did offer plenty of insightful tidbits, but none were more direct than this one.

Listen to it again. Wait for your ears to stop ringing and then listen to it another time. Listen to it as many times as you need to. Then, let it sink in. Let this amazing insight from a dead comedy legend really resonate in your brains.

To all the women, gay, straight, or bisexual, heed this simple advice. You want your lovers to satisfy you? You want them to do something you know will get you off and earn you beach-front property in O-town? Well, you can do that. You just have to do what Mr. Kinison advises. I’ll even repeat it since he’s no longer with us to belabor it.

“TELL US!”

I’ll omit the profanity, but if it gets the point across, please heed this fucking advice. Why is it so important? Well, here’s another little secret about men that I’d like to share. It may get me in trouble with the grand male conspiracy, but I’ll take that risk.

Ladies, men want to satisfy you. Men want you to enjoy sex with them. They want to be the awesome lovers you fantasize about.

I know this doesn’t always seem to be the case. There’s this popular, but dead wrong, perception that men care mostly about humping until they blow their load. A woman’s pleasure ranks somewhere below the condition of their car in terms of importance.

I don’t know where this perception came from, but it’s wrong. It’s dead, fucking wrong. If I had Sam Kinison’s voice, I’d yell it as only he could.

Think of it with a little basic logic for a second. Use the logic even Homer Simpson would understand. Men want sex. Men enjoy sex. If we have sex with our lovers in a way that they enjoy, then they’ll want to have more sex too. It’s the most perfect of cycles. The problem is we can’t kick-start that cycle until our partners tell us what they want.

Now I know there’s this other dead wrong perception that women have to be coy about what they want. They have to be subtle, devious, and mysterious about their sexual proclivities. I understand that some of that has to do with our puritanical, yet schizophrenic attitudes towards sex, but this takes priority over those attitudes.

We want to satisfy you. We want to make you crazy with love, lust, and everything in between. We can’t do that if we’re fumbling around in the dark, trying to figure out what gets your motor humming. So please, for the good of your sex lives and ours, tell us what you want. The world will be a much better place if men know how to please their lovers and their lovers are regularly pleased.

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