Tag Archives: better sleep

My Newfound Fondness For My New (Memory Foam) Mattress

There are certain products we should regularly replace or upgrade. Our phones, smoke detectors, toothbrushes, anti-virus production software, and underwear come to mind. Those are obvious and most people don’t need to be reminded of that. There are some products, however, that not everyone upgrades regularly.

It varies from person to person. For me, I certainly prioritize upgrading my phone, my clothes, my passwords, and other essentials. One thing I tend to negate, though, is my mattress. I freely admit that I slept on the same mattress for nearly 15 years before I replaced it. After that, I didn’t even think about replacing it.

That changed recently when I noticed my mattress sagging in the middle. In the past, I would’ve shrugged that off. Then, I started waking up with a stiff neck and in odd positions. The longer I put it off, the worse it got. Since you can’t really work around getting regular sleep, I decided to finally upgrade. I even managed to save some money so that I don’t have to buy something cheap.

That is likely the reason why my old mattress started sagging, by the way. I bought it because it was cheap and not because it was the most comfortable. The old adage of you get what you pay for really applies here. When you start waking up with a stiff neck every other morning, you feel it even more.

This time, I dared to splurge. I had a budget, but it was larger than last time. That meant I could try some of the fancier mattresses, like those that use memory foam. I’ve seen them advertised before. I tend not to believe those fancy adds that claim they’re that revolutionary. I’ll just say that, after lying on a few, I found one that was comfortable and bought it.

I won’t say how much I paid for it. I’ll just say that it was at least double the price of the last mattress I bought. Again, you get what you pay for and after the first few nights on it, I came to appreciate adage even more.

I wasn’t expecting much when I slept on it the first night. I’d have been just happy to wake up without a stiff neck. I might have set the bar low, but that didn’t stop me from appreciating the results.

I love this mattress.

I love how comfortable it is.

I love not waking up feeling stiff or sore.

I don’t want to come off as a shill for a particular brand, so I won’t mention which kind of memory foam mattress it is. I’ll just say that I’m legitimately impressed. I didn’t know sleeping on a decent, non-cheap mattress could feel so good. I might have learned that lesson the hard way to some extent, but I’m glad I learned it. I know the world is a crazy place right now and the economy sucks for a lot of people, but everything about it is only made worse when you don’t get quality sleep. A good mattress won’t fix everything that’s keeping you up at night, but it’ll definitely help. Keep that in mind the next time you’re thinking about which product in your home you’d like to upgrade.

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Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights, real stories

Improving Your Love Life And Your Sex Life (With Sleep)

sleeping-positions

Maintaining a healthy romance is a lot like pursuing good sex. There’s no one right way to do it that works for everyone, but there are any number of wrong ways that can fail spectacularly. I’ve shared a few personal stories about my love life and even offered some insights on how to improve romance in the world of fiction. When it comes to real world advice, though, I try to be careful.

I’m not a relationship expert or a licensed therapist. I’m an aspiring erotica/romance writer who shares weekly sexy thoughts and bemoans how love is portrayed in popular media. Sure, I’ll occasionally give my opinion on serious issues involving gender politics and trends in popular culture, but I try to avoid giving the impression that I’m qualified to give advice.

However, there are a number of things we can all do for our love lives, a sex lives, and everything in between that makes it better. There are personal experiences that demonstrate it and even scientific research that supports it. Some are just common sense, but anyone who is familiar with the Darwin Awards knows that’s not always sufficient.

With that in mind, I’d like to offer the wonderful readers of this site the simplest and easiest advice they’ll ever get. It’ll improve your relationship. It’ll enhance your sex life. It’ll make you feel better, overall. What is the magical method that does so much to help so many aspects of your personal life? It’s simple.

Get better sleep.

That’s it. That is a real, effective method for improving your relationships, be it with a long-time lover or a one-night stand in Las Vegas. There’s no need for expensive therapy. You don’t have to pay a guru or a life coach. For once, it really is that simple. Get better sleep and your love life will improve.

Now, in the interest of not sounding too obvious, there are some details here that are worth highlighting. In recent years, the importance of getting a good night’s sleep has been become more critical. A great deal of research has shown a long list of benefits that come with good sleep and an equally lengthy list of detriments for those who don’t get enough.

Good sleep helps you lose weight, alleviate illness, and recover from serious injuries. None of that is news to anyone, but I get the sense that people don’t appreciate the role sleep plays in a healthy romance and a good sex life. That role goes beyond work and afterglow, as well.

According to research published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, poor sleep can disrupt your emotions and not just in terms of being groggy in the morning. Managing and regulating emotions is core component of any functional relationship. Even those who don’t mind melodrama are going to get burned out from someone who can’t figure out whether they’re stressed, miserable, or pissed off.

It even goes beyond messy emotional exchanges. That same study also showed a link between poor sleep and depression. Considering how depression tends to dull passion of any kind, romantic or otherwise, it’s understandable how it can undermine a relationship.

It’s even more understandable in terms of how it hurts your sex life. In addition to depression limiting your capacity to get in the mood, it also creates situations where people use sex as a band aid instead of a basic emotional expression. I’ve seen this happen before with friends and relatives. They try to use sex as an anti-depressant. It can offer temporary reprieve, but it does little to resolve any actual issues.

Then, there’s the simple logistics that a lack of sleep will create. If your lover is on a different sleep schedule than you, then that makes spending time together a chore because one of you is going to be groggy. Whether it’s due to work schedules or one person being a night owl, love can only do so much when a couple is rarely rested at the same time.

This goes beyond just being restless and buying overpriced lattes. A lack of sleep can actually cause damage to the brain. Sleep is supposed to be the time when your brain heals and refreshes itself after a long, arduous day. If it never gets a chance to heal, then that could impact everything from your memories to your emotions to your genitals.

Yes, a lack of sleep does have sexual side-effects. For men, it lowers testosterone, the magically masculine hormone that drives a significant part of the male libido. It effects men whether they’re gay, straight, bisexual, or trans. When your hormones are off, your sex life will suffer. It can even lead to erectile dysfunction, which is sure to compound that nasty mood I mentioned earlier.

Women experience a similar effect as well. On top of research showing that well-rested women tend to have more sex, a lack of sleep can make it significantly more difficult to achieve orgasm. At a time when women are already already dealing with an orgasm gap, this certainly doesn’t help. Even with adequate sleep, a lack of orgasms can hurt any relationship.

Again, a lot of this is common sense, but for those looking to improve or maintain their love lives, it may seem too common. It goes against the standard romantic narrative that two people in love always have to be doing something. They always have to be off going on adventures, working hard every hour of every day to stay in love, have great sex, and grow together.

While there’s certainly a place for that kind of effort in a relationship, it doesn’t have to come at the cost of a good night’s sleep. If anything, a couple sharing a restful night in bed together should count as an act of genuine romance. It doesn’t even have to come after sex or even involve nudity, although couples who sleep naked do enjoy added benefits.

Ideally, good sleep shouldn’t just be a byproduct of a quality romance. It should be part of the process. It could be as easy as communicating with your lover how much sleep you need, when to do it, and what helps you feel most rested. It may sound mundane, but these are little things that real loving couples often overlook.

One of my old college roommates actually got sleep down to a science. He and his girlfriend made a genuine effort to line up their sleep cycles so perfectly that I could pretty much set my watch to when they would turn in. It wasn’t always romantic, but I can’t argue with the results. They were together that entire semester and I rarely saw them in a bad mood.

Most people, whether they’re in a relationship or not, are willing to put in the work to make romance work. They’re just as willing to listen to gurus, pop pills, and read sexy stories to improve their sex lives as well. While I try to do my part with the sexy stories I tell, I think it’s ironic that just getting better sleep rarely comes to mind.

Even if it makes too much sense, it’s probably the easiest way for anyone to improve their relationship. We already know how to sleep. Most of us relish the opportunity to get more. If more sleep means better sex and quality romance, then it more than warrants a higher priority in our intimate efforts.

After all, a good lover is a well-rested lover.

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Filed under gender issues, human nature, Marriage and Relationships, psychology, romance, sex in society, sexuality