Does everybody feel full, bloated, and somewhat hung over? Good, because that’s a sign you had a great Thanksgiving. Even if you’re a health nut who agonizes over every calorie you ingest, this is a holiday where you punch your diet in the jaw, throw it out the window, and dive head-first into the nearest cheesecake. It’s part of the holiday spirit.
I certainly did my share of gorging yesterday. Yes, I do feel like a beached whale who had one too many glasses of whiskey. No, I don’t regret a goddamn thing. I love Thanksgiving. I love the food, family, and football it inspires. I also love the day that comes after it as well. It’s not exactly a holiday, but it can be just as much fun if you do it right.
Yes, I’m talking about Black Friday, that holiest of shopping days that inspire people to cut their Thanksgiving dinner short to stand in line at a big box store in hopes of saving a couple hundred bucks on something that’ll probably be cheaper in a couple months. It’s commercialism at its most egregious. The Catholic Church wishes it could inspire this kind of hysteria.
Personally, I love Black Friday. I love to wake up early, fight off a hangover, and go shopping. I know that’s not a very guy thing to do. I can’t say I care if it were. I’ve always loved to shop.
My mom actually told me stories about how she took me shopping when I was a baby. She claimed that was one of our favorite pastimes. I imagine it instilled in me a love of shopping that remains to this day. Compared to the other loves my mother could’ve instilled, I’ll gladly take this. For that, I thank her.
However, there’s another reason I’m fond of Black Friday shopping and it’s a much sexier reason. Sorry mom, but as an adult, sexier reasons do tend to resonate more with young men like me. In the spirit of Black Friday, I’d like to share that reason in the form of a sexy little story.
A number of years ago, back when I was still in college, I was dating this girl. She was cute, witty, and had a real dirty mouth, but in the most lovable of ways. We had been together for a while since then so when she had a chance to visit me on Thanksgiving, we jumped at the opportunity.
It turned out to be a lot of fun. She really enjoyed herself and my family certainly adored her company. There are a lot of dirty mouths in my family too so she fit right in. However, it was what happened on Black Friday, the day afterwards, that helped make that holiday extra memorable.
The day after Thanksgiving, my girlfriend insisted we go shopping. She didn’t need to do much to convince me, which I think surprised her. She loved to shop too so what better way for a young couple to enjoy their holidays than to share in their mutual loves?
My parents, being so wonderfully supportive of my love life, lent me their car so I could drive her up to the mall. Naturally, it was very crowded. You couldn’t take two steps without bumping into someone. It was so chaotic and so busy and we loved it. Dare I say, it put us in the mood.
How do I know this? Well, one of the first stores we visited was Victoria’s Secret. As a young man in his early 20s, that’s akin to a topless bikini model on a beach asking you if you’ll rub lotion on her tits. I can’t remember a time as an adult that didn’t involve bacon or chocolate where my face lit up so much.
Together, we ventured into that Victoria’s Secret. We were a couple shopping for sexy lingerie. I swear my heart and my penis teamed up to excite me and I think my girlfriend knew it. She actually let me assess some lingerie for her, which for me was like that same topless bikini model asking me how I would like to be pampered. I really did feel like a kid on Christmas morning.
I don’t know how long we stayed in that Victoria’s Secret store. To me, it wasn’t long enough, but we did leave with something sexy to enjoy later. I don’t remember what else we shopped for that day or what we ended up buying, but it felt like we had a more productive Black Friday than anyone else at the mall that day, including the guy we saw loading a 70-inch TV into the back of his SUV.
It only got better the next morning. We had a long night the night before so we didn’t get a chance to make use of the sexy lingerie we brought. My girlfriend, though, was nothing if not opportunistic on the holidays. So at around 5 a.m., she knocked on my door (my parents made us sleep in separate rooms) and gave me the best mourning wake-up call a 20-year-old guy could ask for.
Yes, she was wearing the new lingerie we just bought the other day and while it may have put her on Santa’s naughty list, it made her worthy of every gift I could give. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, she crawled into bed with me. It was freezing that morning too so we had plenty of reasons to get cozy and comfortable.
Thanks to that lingerie, we warmed each other up pretty damn quickly. Out of respect for a very generous ex-girlfriend, I won’t go into too many details. I’ll just say that our hands, lips, and various other body parts made us feel wonderfully festive.
While I did eventually break up with this girl, she’ll always have a special place in my heart. Thanks to the lingerie I helped her pick out that day, Black Friday will also have a special place in my heart, among other parts of my body.
So with that sexy subtext in mind, I hope everybody out there enjoys their Black Friday shopping. I hope the lovers out there make sexy lingerie a priority. It can only make the holidays sexier and more festive.