Tag Archives: funny memories

Recounting An Awkward (Yet Hilarious) Boner

awkward

For men, awkward boners are kind of like pranks that go horribly wrong. They’re either funny in hindsight or so embarrassing that you’d do anything to forget them. Get any man talking about the awkward boners he’s had in his life and chances are there will be a little of both. Most will be reluctant to share the really embarrassing ones, but they’ll gladly share the ones they know will get a good laugh.

In that spirit, I’d like to share another personal story about an awkward boner I had in a public place that was embarrassing, but hilarious in the grand scheme of things. It won’t be the first story I’ve shared involving an awkward boner. If people enjoy hearing these kinds of awkward, yet revealing stories, it might not be the last.

However, the previous story I shared was very different. That incident was mostly embarrassing because I was a teenager at the time and it took place at school, a place where things get awkward enough. This one is different. This one occurred while I was a mature adult who had largely survived the chaos of puberty, high school, and acne. In some respects, that’s part of what makes it hilarious.

To set the stage for this awkward exchange between me and my genitals, I need to establish a little context. This incident took place about five years ago. Around that time, I was trying to get into shape for the first time in my life. I’d just started running regularly. I’d also started going to the gym on a routine basis. I was past the point where I was figuring out what to do. At this point, I had developed a regular routine.

A big part of that routine involved spending at least a half-hour on a treadmill, burning off whatever excess calories I’d consumed. I even came to enjoy that part of my workout because it was a chance for me to put on my headphones, listen to music, and lose myself for a while. Sometimes, I would also listen to audiobooks. It helped get me thinking and sweating at the same time.

That part of my routine is how this incident took shape. Most of the audiobooks I’d listened to ranged in genre from mystery novels to political topics to romance. On one particular day, I decided to listen to a new romance audiobook. It was billed as a sexier, seamier love story. I’d listened to those stories before, but not while exercising. I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

In hindsight, I probably should’ve known better. On this day, which happened to be a chilly Saturday morning in the middle of winter, I arrived at the gym in my gym clothes. I had my audiobook loaded up. It was fairly crowded, so I found an unused treadmill and started my routine. I also began playing the audiobook.

The first 10 minutes went by without incident. I had already worked up a good sweat. Things were going well. Then, the plot of the audiobook took a very sensual turn. I knew when I bought the book that there would be graphic parts. I didn’t expect for them to happen that soon, but it happened.

I’m listening to these very graphic, very sexy depictions being read by an alluring female voice. Naturally, my body reacts. It doesn’t matter that I’m jogging. If anything, that accelerates the process. My heart is pumping and my blood is flowing. This just got it flowing in a specific direction. On top of that, I wore loose gym shorts that day. That meant my body had plenty of room to work with.

What unfolded next was an exercise in tact. I know almost immediately that this isn’t going to be one of those incidents that I can shake off by thinking about football. The dam has already burst. There’s going to be some spillover. All I can do is wait it out.

Keep in mind, this is a crowded gym on a Saturday morning. It’s full of people, young and old. Some of them brought their kids to use the indoor pool. If I were to walk around with a fully-pitched tent in my pants, it’s going to get noticed. Granted, some might just stare for a moment and look away. It’s still not a glance I wanted to attract.

I have to wait this out, hoping that it passes before anyone notices. That’s not easy because, as most men will tell you, jogging with a boner is more than a little awkward. It’s like trying to tap dance while juggling flaming torches. It sends all sorts of mixed messages to your body.

At this point, the best I can do is stop the audiobook and switch to music. I also slow the treadmill down so that’s just a brisk walk. I also tactically adjust my shorts to ensure the tent in my pants isn’t too noticeable. From there, it’s just a matter of my body catching up to my thoughts.

I’m still mortified, but I’m also laughing to myself. I’m still new to this gym and regular workouts. I imagine I’d make quite an impression if people noticed me getting erections while working out. They might find it funny. They might even be curious as to what the hell I was listening to.

Eventually, it passes. My heart is still pumping, but the blood flow finally shifts. I don’t even stop my workout. I continue my routine and go about the rest of my workout, as though it didn’t happen. To my knowledge, nobody noticed that I’d spent a good five minutes on a treadmill with a raging erection. I was relieved, but I remembered leaving the gym laughing hysterically at myself.

As awkward as it was, I don’t see that incident in a negative light. This wasn’t at a time in my life when my hormones were raging and my body was betraying me at every turn. I was a healthy adult who had since developed healthier attitudes. If anything, getting an erection in the middle of a gym showed just how healthy I was at that point.

I still go to the gym regularly. I’ve grown fond of it in the years since that incident. I just know what not to listen to when I’m working out. There’s a time and a place for listening to sexy audiobooks. A crowded gym on a Saturday morning isn’t one of them. It’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way, but in hindsight, it’s a hilarious lesson that I doubt I’ll ever forget.

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights, men's issues

A Memorable (And Funny) Thanksgiving Story About My Ex-Girlfriend

maxresdefault

It’s that time of year again. The holidays are almost upon us and we’re at the point where we can no longer complain about people putting their decorations up too early. It’s a wonderful, festive time. I’ve always loved the holidays. I’m usually among the first to put my decorations up, much to the chagrin of family and friends.

The holidays often bring out the best in people. You don’t have to look too hard for examples of that. Some of my fondest family memories have occurred over the holidays. I’ve even shared a few of them. With Thanksgiving just a few days away, I’d like to share another. Once again, it involves my ex-girlfriend.

I’ve shared stories about her before and, by and large, I’ve tried to show her in a positive light. I really enjoyed my time with her while we were together. I’m not at all bitter that we didn’t work out. I like to think that she feels the same way. A few years after we broke up, I found out that she got married and is genuinely happy. I hope I can one day say the same.

This particular story, however, highlights a moment that she doesn’t remember that fondly. As it just so happens, that moment unfolded when she visited my area for Thanksgiving. While I still think it’s funny, I doubt she’ll agree. At the same time, I think she would laugh as well when recalling the details.

It actually occurred after we’d been together for a while. She’d visited my place before. She’d met my family and got along with them quite well. My family is wonderful, warm, and welcoming as a whole, especially around the holidays. We definitely got that point across during previous visits. In hindsight, it might have set the stage for what happened next.

It was the day after Thanksgiving. Typically, after the big meal, we get together with a few relatives and family friends for another gathering not far from where my parents live. It wasn’t as big or crowded as Thanksgiving dinner. It was mostly an excuse for other relatives to meet up, make more food, and catch up after however many months it had been since our last gathering.

While driving her there, I gave her a few details about this side of my family. There weren’t too many caveats or taboos to warn her about. That was a good thing too because she didn’t have much of a filter. She said what was on her mind and did things her own way. That was part of what attracted me to her. Knowing this, I still made one thing clear to her before we arrived.

Do NOT try and pet the cat. He will scratch you and not in a cute way.

I must have told her that at least three times. I was dead serious too. This particular house had a rather notorious cat that a close relative had been caring for. I know cats aren’t known for being social creatures, but this one was a special kind of mean. He didn’t like anyone, except for those who regularly fed him.

I’d seen this cat attack more than a few friends and relatives who didn’t heed that warning. I knew it would be tricky for my ex-girlfriend because she loves animals. She had a pet of her own back home and she never missed an opportunity to interact with them, especially if they were cute. I urged her to make an exception this time. I even tried to distract her from the cat once we arrived.

It was no use. Shortly after we sat down for dinner, the cat wandered near the table. My ex-girlfriend saw him and just couldn’t resist. I warned her again. I told her not to go near him. She didn’t listen. To no one’s surprise, including my own, the cat scratched her the moment she tried to pet him. He scratched her pretty good too. It required a band aid and ointment.

Naturally, she was not happy. While I helped tend to her hand, I couldn’t stop laughing. She thought she could coax some affection out of that cat. I admired her confidence, her heart, and her bravery. It still wasn’t enough.

Much to her credit, she scolded herself more than she scolded me. After all, I did warn her multiple times. She just chose not to listen. She avoided the cat for the rest of the visit. I’m pretty sure that was the first time she despised an otherwise adorable animal. It was jarring and it did affect her mood for the rest of the day.

She still got over it. She even joked about it the next day. It might not have been the most romantic moment we shared during her visit, but it definitely made Thanksgiving more memorable, albeit for unusual reasons.

Moments like that are part of what make the holidays special. They’re also moments that make relationships special, even if they don’t work out. I’m certain that if I ever crossed paths with my ex again, I could tell her the name of that cat and she would remember. She might not remember it as fondly as I do, but I think she’d still laugh at it.

One day, when I meet the love of my life, I hope to make many memories like that. I also hope plenty of them occur on Thanksgiving, but I think I could do without asshole cats.

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Fisher's Insights, romance