Today is a very special day. Today, we give thanks to the wonderful women who enjoyed having sex enough that they lovingly conceived us in their wombs. Yes, it’s Mother’s Day. Then again, anyone who willingly carries another human in their bodies for nine months deserves way more than just a card and breakfast in bed.
No matter how you spin it, moms are a big part of our lives. Why else would MILF porn be so popular? Moms give birth to us. Moms nurture us. Moms willingly let us suckle on their nipples and receive nourishment. They are the only ones who can actually make tits more amazing than they already are. That’s an accomplishment.
I love my mom. I try to make that love and appreciation clear every time I see her. She’s been a wonderful influence on me my whole life. Considering that I was miserable, self-loathing little shit at times, I can’t help but marvel at the breadth of such love. She really is that amazing. No offense to Gal Gadot, but she is the real Wonder Woman of my life.
She knows what I do. She’s been very encouraging since I began writing all those years ago. She, my father, and my family have given me more support than I ever could’ve hoped for as I pursue my dream of being an erotica/romance writer. So to my mom and all the other wonderful moms out there, I thank you.
As such, I’m proud to dedicate this week’s edition of Sexy Sunday Thoughts to my mom and all the other moms out there. Thank you for giving us life. Thank you for having the sex that conceived us. We hope that was an especially satisfying experience, just as I hope these crude comments are especially funny.
“The sight of boobs makes boys hungry as babies. The sight of boobs makes men act stupid as adults. Does that count as irony?”
I’m not sure if this counts as irony or a paradox. Maybe it’s a fluke of biology or part of some deep-seated psychological imprint that develops in the minds of men. Maybe it’s just our caveman brain’s inability to differentiate between hunger and horniness, which I’ve talked about before.
Whatever the case, the results are the same. Boobs make baby boys hungry. Boobs make grown men act stupid. When I was in New York City last year, I walked past a number of topless women in Times Square. I could feel my brain power temper so that it could process the beauty of expose breasts. Ironic or not, men think boobs are awesome at any age is what I’m saying.
“Those who say sex is an itch that needs to be scratched has clearly never had a nasty mosquito bite on their balls.”
I’d rather not go into too much detail about this. There’s a reason I know what it feels like to have a mosquito bite on unusual parts of my body. I do not want to tell that story. I’ll just say that those who make light of a mere itch are woefully misinformed about how sensitive certain parts of their body really are.
“Massages can be equally sexy for both genders, but they’re always more messy for one gender in particular.”
Who doesn’t love a good sensual massage? It’s one of the few sexy acts that can be both deeply romantic and overtly pornographic. It has everything you need for sex appeal. There’s intimate touching, relaxing sensations, and plenty of potential for romantic affection.
If done right, a massage can be an orgasmic experience and then some. That said, it can get messy, especially if you’re very generous with the massage oil. It also tends to get messy for one particular gender, namely the one that requires tissues and baby wipes. It’s just basic biology.
Ask anyone who’s had to clean up that mess though. They’ll say it’s worth it.
“A man can’t say he’s in love with a woman until he willingly buys her tampons. A woman can’t say she’s in love with a man until she willingly fixes a toilet he clogged.”
There are many ways to test just how in love you are with your partner. Having similar tastes in movies, food, and underwear certainly help, but true intimacy can sometimes manifest in less obvious ways.
The way I see it, if you’re willing to accept the less flattering traits of someone, then your love definitely has some meat to it. A man who buys feminine hygine products and a woman who deals with a man’s bathroom habits can rightly claim they’ve achieved a level of intimacy that goes beyond rubbing body parts together.
“A true test of trust is letting someone else shave your pubic hair.”
Think about it. Shaving your nether regions is a dangerous and risky endeavor. One wrong move and your weekend is ruined, among other things. It’s hard enough to trust your own hands to tend to your most sensitive body parts. Trusting someone else to do it takes something special. It’s actually kind of romantic when you think about it.
“When a woman flashes her tits outside a strip club, is it undermining the efforts of hard-working strippers or does it count as free advertising?”
This kind of confuses me. When I was in Las Vegas, there was a topless woman giving out flyers for a strip club. She had great tits herself so it seemed kind of redundant. Why advertise for something in a way that gives the customer what they want from the outset?
Then again, maybe it was a free sample of sorts. Maybe that woman understood that when a man sees one pair of tits, he wants to see more. In that sense, her ploy was pretty brilliant.
“Would prostitution be less taboo if they were reclassified as sexual trainers?”
There are all sorts of taboos surrounding prostitution. When you’re the world’s oldest profession, the simple law of averages ensure it’s bound to happen. I get why women wouldn’t want their lovers to see prostitutes. It works the other way too. I’m sure men don’t want their girlfriends drooling over male strippers.
So rather than make this another source of conflict, why not turn it into something productive? Why not reclassify prostitutes, male and female alike, as trainers with which we refine our sex skills? The prostitutes get money. Ordinary people are trained by professionals to make love to our partners more effectively. Everybody wins.
Once again, thanks to all the moms out there for being the wonderful women they are. If you can, do something special for the woman that bore you. She’s more than earned it.