Tag Archives: breasts

Ta Ta Towels: The Latest In Tit Technology

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Every now and then, someone finds a way to channel their capacity for sexy thoughts and problem solving into something innovative. It speaks volumes to the human capacity for invention and sex appeal when we see a sexy problem, find a sexy solution, and turn it into a sexy product. As an aspiring erotica/romance writer, it brings tears of joy to my eyes.

Those tears went beyond joy when I uncovered the latest innovation in technology involving female breasts. I’m sure I got the attention of the straight males and gay females right now.

We’d all be wise to pay attention because, as much as we disagree on everything from pizza toppings to which deity loves us more, we tend to agree that breasts are awesome. Any tool that can enhance them in any way is inherently awesome, by default. From infants to old farts, there’s little dispute. Boobs are awesome and so is anything tool that helps them.

Enter the Ta Ta Towel. It’s kind of what it sounds like. It’s a towel made specifically to dry, cradle, and support a woman’s breasts. On paper, it does have a legitimate function. When a woman gets out of the shower or it’s just really hot, their boobs are wet and/or sweaty. That can be uncomfortable. It can mess up some perfectly good bras or shirts.

The Ta Ta Towel fixes that situation by creating something that will both support those beautiful vessels of mother’s milk and keep them dry, smooth, and comfortable. I’m not a woman and I don’t have breasts, but I imagine that kind of comfort can be the difference between a good day and the kind of day where you have to resist the urge to stick your head in a trash compactor.

Let’s not lie to ourselves or deny the inner 13-year-old in all of us. Practical or not, this is a new innovation for maximizing the look, feel, and comfort of female breasts. This is the kind of thing that men and women alike can cheer together in gender harmony. Men love looking at breasts. Women love their breasts. Everybody wins with the Ta Ta Towel.

Now, it may very well be one of those weird things that is only a thing for a while. Like the snuggie, the non-hovering hover board, or the Chia Pet, it may be one of those sexy fads that comes and goes. It wouldn’t be the first time boobs have been subject to weird trends either. Given their importance for both genders, they do tend to attract some pretty kinky fashion fads.

Compared to the other weird shit we, as a society, do in the name of the female breast, I’d say the Ta Ta Towel is pretty balanced. Yes, it has a practical use. Yes, it improves the beauty and feel of the female breast, something that is already awesome to begin with. Yes, it’s a product that washed up actresses or retired porn stars will probably sell on infomercials.

It checks all the right boxes, as well as a few unnecessary ones. That doesn’t matter, though. The Ta Ta Towel still does something special, caring for and enhancing the great natural wonders that are female breasts. For that reason, and on behalf of all erotica/romance writers, I declare this wondrous innovation good.

Excuse me, I just teared up again.

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We’re ALL Perverts (According To Cracked)

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In the interest of science, sex, and having an excuse to talk about subjects that get our blood flowing in all the right ways, I’d like to do a quick survey. Don’t worry. This isn’t a pop quiz. It’s not another one of my sexy thought experiments either. It’s just my way of making a point, one that may very well be important to our collective understanding of sexuality.

It’s just four questions. Anyone can take it. They’re simple yes/no answers. If it takes you more than 20 seconds, then you’re just overthinking.

Question 1: Are you a man?

Question 2: Are you heterosexual?

Question 3: Do you enjoy the sight of female breasts?

Question 4: Do art forms that depict female breasts appeal to you?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, then congratulations. You’re a pervert. That’s right. According to a growing sentiment within our culture, any straight man who dares to admire female breasts in any form of media, be it video games, movies, or TV, is somehow a pervert.

That’s the message that a recent article of Cracked.com gave. Usually, I’m very fond of Cracked.com’s work on discussing matters of sexuality. However, every now and then, they write an article that reeks of politically correct horse shit. This particular article talked about how video game developers put a lot of effort into the physics of breasts on female characters. For some reason, that makes them and those who play these games perverts.

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Let’s step back for a moment and try to make sense of that without hitting ourselves in the head with a baseball bat. This is apparently an issue now. Men admiring women’s breasts is controversial. Granted, women’s breasts have been subject to controversy in the past and I’m not just talking about Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl performance either.

We’re still a culture that gets exceedingly queasy when we talk about sex in any form. We all remember how awkward it was in health class when we learned about the inner workings of a penis and vagina. Boobs have a sexual component to them. So unless you’re on a nude beach, at Mardi Gras, or in a Super Bowl halftime show, it’s going to be awkward.

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Now there’s nothing inherently wrong about feeling awkward about sex or certain body parts. Who doesn’t feel a little awkward when they find out their best friend’s mom got a boob job? That doesn’t mean it qualifies as an outright perversion, does it?

Thankfully, we’ve advanced our society to a point where we have these things called dictionaries and this amazing achievement allows us to actually check the definition of a word to see if it fits a certain context. The definition of pervert in a sexual is actually fairly concise. According to Merriam-Webster, the definition is as follows:

An aberrant sexual practice or interest especially when habitual.

The keyword in that definition is “aberrant.” That means unnatural, improper, or abnormal. Now I know people don’t agree on what’s natural, proper, or normal. In fact, I would argue that most people can’t agree on that. They can’t even agree on pizza toppings. However, when it comes to our biological wiring that helps us survive and reproduce, I think we can find some common ground.

With few exceptions, straight men like breasts. They like the sight of breasts, the feel of breasts, and the depictions of breasts. I know this, both as a straight man and as someone whose readers regularly demand more vivid depictions of breasts in my novels. It’s as natural as enjoying a cold beer on a hot summer day.

So why is this wholly natural, hard-wired predilection being classified as a perversion? Why would the brilliant writers at Cracked.com see the efforts of video game creators to make more appealing breasts as a catalyst for perversion? Do they think men even need a catalyst to admire breasts or want to see them?

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Well, a lot of it is our fault. By our fault, I mean both men and women alike. The media, and video games in particular, has been subject to much greater scrutiny lately in matters of sexism. If something can even be slightly misconstrued as sexist or objectifying, then that’s the end of the conversation. It’s sexist. It’s wrong. It’s immoral. Anyone who enjoys or appreciates it is a monster.

That last part was sarcasm, but I worry that sarcasm can’t do justice to the sheer absurdity of that notion. I don’t want to say it’s entirely a product of feminism, political correctness, or prudishness. However, it is a bad sign.

I don’t doubt that those at Cracked.com and those who complain about breast physics in video games have good intentions. They see beautiful, big-breasted women in media and think that’s objectifying and degrading. That’s an understandable sentiment. They completely lose my sympathy, however, when they try to conflate objectification with basic biological wiring.

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The science is fairly conclusive. Humans are visual creatures, as evidenced by the significant amount of brain matter we dedicate to processing visual images. Art, media, and everything in between seeks every possible way to generate attention and garner interest.

Female breasts naturally and understandably create powerful imagery and not just for straight men either. They are a distinct feature within a sexually dimorphic species. As such, we’re going to respond to that imagery. It’s not a perversion in that it’s unnatural. Hell, you could make the case that it’s one of the most natural reactions human could possibly have.

I don’t deny that there are many facets of sex, nudity, and breasts are still taboo. However, it does our culture and our species a disservice when we start identifying natural reactions to natural sights as perverse. That conflicts with our own sexual nature and, as any Puritan will tell you, that nature is hard to suppress.

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So in this case, Cracked.com is dead wrong. We are not perverts for enjoying the sight of female breasts. Game developers who put a lot of time and effort into the physics behind breasts should not be shamed or shunned. If anything, they should be celebrated. They’re putting that much effort into one of nature’s most beautiful creations. On behalf of all straight men who appreciate the sight of breasts, I thank them.

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Sexy Sunday Thoughts: The Chilly Nipple Edition

Let’s not beat around the bush or snicker at the other connotations that “beating around the bush” implies. It’s cold outside. It’s colder than a penguins nut-sack. This past week, another polar vortex descended over the good old USA, ensuring heavy clothing and pert nipples all over the country, except for the lucky shits in south Florida.

I’m not a fan of the cold. I’d much rather be in a climate where I don’t have to wear pants around the house and where there’s a good chance of me seeing women in bikinis. Unfortunately, my erotica/romance career hasn’t been successful enough to afford me such a luxury. Make no mistake. As soon as I strike it rich as a writer, I’m moving to Florida where I can see sexy bikinis all year around.

Until then, though, I’m left to keep warm in my own way. Sometimes that involves a glass of hot cocoa. Sometimes that involves a glass of whiskey. Sometimes that involves getting naked, curling up under multiple sheets, and reading the sexiest, smuttiest, most haplessly romantic story I can. It works even better than you think.

So as many of us settle in for a cold, bitter winter, I’d like to help everybody warm up with another rendition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” You may still need a few extra blankets. You still may need some hot cocoa and whiskey. At the very least, I’ll make damn sure to get the blood flowing for men and women alike in all the right ways. Enjoy!

“From a purely practical perspective, having a skilled tongue counts as an effective form of contraception.”

Think about it, but try not to overthink it unless you have a spare set of pants. Contraception, as an industry, is still controversial. Even without the aid of Big Pharma, there are skills you can employ to get the desired result.

“To those with a serious foot fetish, walking into a shoe store is like walking into a Victoria’s Secret.”

I don’t deny it. There are those who find feet every bit as sexy as a pair of perfectly round tits. I have nothing but respect for those people. However, I can’t help but wonder how awkward it must be going into a shoe store.

“Injuries sustained during sex are either a point of pride or a point of embarrassment with nothing in between.”

This is one of those inescapable either/or situations. If you strain a muscle giving your partner multiple orgasms, you’re going to wear that with a badge of honor. If you break your arm trying to give someone a reach-around, you’ll probably take that to your grave.

“The necessary skills for a mechanic and a gynecologist are remarkably similar.”

This one doesn’t require much thought. Both specializes require skilled hands, an understanding of fluid dynamics, and an ability to understand specialized hardware. Remember that next time a mechanic is giving your car a tune-up.

“The sight of a woman masturbating turns most men on. The sight of a man masturbating turns most men off. This may just be nature’s way of telling us not to waste perfectly good horniness.”

Nature may have a dirty mind at times, but it’s is also a pragmatist at heart. It abhors overly wasteful activities. Put a masturbating man and a masturbating woman in the same room and chances are nature will find a way to make that horniness productive.

“Men want women to love like an angel and fuck like a whore. Women want men to love like a knight and fuck like an outlaw. Is it possible to meet each other halfway?”

That’s an honest question. Men and women have all sorts of twisted, sometimes self-contradicting expectations from their partners. There should be a healthy medium, but we don’t seem inclined to find it.

“These days, getting married is just a way to have sex with someone without government or religious types bugging you about it.”

When you think about it, the repressive forces of religion and government’s best weapon against sexual immorality in a secular society is trolling. They’ll annoy people who just want to fuck and make love until they agree to their legal/holy rituals. Unfortunately, it works too damn well.

“Chastity belts would never work on men because men are way too willing to take stupid, extreme risks to get out of a situation.”

This may just be my personal bias as a man, but in my experience, men just go to way more ridiculous lengths then women in a tough situation. They’re not always smart. They’re sometimes downright disturbing. As a result, something like a chastity belt for men probably wouldn’t work in the long run.

That’s it for now. Hope this helped everybody warm up!

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