Let’s not beat around the bush or snicker at the other connotations that “beating around the bush” implies. It’s cold outside. It’s colder than a penguins nut-sack. This past week, another polar vortex descended over the good old USA, ensuring heavy clothing and pert nipples all over the country, except for the lucky shits in south Florida.
I’m not a fan of the cold. I’d much rather be in a climate where I don’t have to wear pants around the house and where there’s a good chance of me seeing women in bikinis. Unfortunately, my erotica/romance career hasn’t been successful enough to afford me such a luxury. Make no mistake. As soon as I strike it rich as a writer, I’m moving to Florida where I can see sexy bikinis all year around.
Until then, though, I’m left to keep warm in my own way. Sometimes that involves a glass of hot cocoa. Sometimes that involves a glass of whiskey. Sometimes that involves getting naked, curling up under multiple sheets, and reading the sexiest, smuttiest, most haplessly romantic story I can. It works even better than you think.
So as many of us settle in for a cold, bitter winter, I’d like to help everybody warm up with another rendition of my “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.” You may still need a few extra blankets. You still may need some hot cocoa and whiskey. At the very least, I’ll make damn sure to get the blood flowing for men and women alike in all the right ways. Enjoy!
“From a purely practical perspective, having a skilled tongue counts as an effective form of contraception.”
Think about it, but try not to overthink it unless you have a spare set of pants. Contraception, as an industry, is still controversial. Even without the aid of Big Pharma, there are skills you can employ to get the desired result.
“To those with a serious foot fetish, walking into a shoe store is like walking into a Victoria’s Secret.”
I don’t deny it. There are those who find feet every bit as sexy as a pair of perfectly round tits. I have nothing but respect for those people. However, I can’t help but wonder how awkward it must be going into a shoe store.
“Injuries sustained during sex are either a point of pride or a point of embarrassment with nothing in between.”
This is one of those inescapable either/or situations. If you strain a muscle giving your partner multiple orgasms, you’re going to wear that with a badge of honor. If you break your arm trying to give someone a reach-around, you’ll probably take that to your grave.
“The necessary skills for a mechanic and a gynecologist are remarkably similar.”
This one doesn’t require much thought. Both specializes require skilled hands, an understanding of fluid dynamics, and an ability to understand specialized hardware. Remember that next time a mechanic is giving your car a tune-up.
“The sight of a woman masturbating turns most men on. The sight of a man masturbating turns most men off. This may just be nature’s way of telling us not to waste perfectly good horniness.”
Nature may have a dirty mind at times, but it’s is also a pragmatist at heart. It abhors overly wasteful activities. Put a masturbating man and a masturbating woman in the same room and chances are nature will find a way to make that horniness productive.
“Men want women to love like an angel and fuck like a whore. Women want men to love like a knight and fuck like an outlaw. Is it possible to meet each other halfway?”
That’s an honest question. Men and women have all sorts of twisted, sometimes self-contradicting expectations from their partners. There should be a healthy medium, but we don’t seem inclined to find it.
“These days, getting married is just a way to have sex with someone without government or religious types bugging you about it.”
When you think about it, the repressive forces of religion and government’s best weapon against sexual immorality in a secular society is trolling. They’ll annoy people who just want to fuck and make love until they agree to their legal/holy rituals. Unfortunately, it works too damn well.
“Chastity belts would never work on men because men are way too willing to take stupid, extreme risks to get out of a situation.”
This may just be my personal bias as a man, but in my experience, men just go to way more ridiculous lengths then women in a tough situation. They’re not always smart. They’re sometimes downright disturbing. As a result, something like a chastity belt for men probably wouldn’t work in the long run.
That’s it for now. Hope this helped everybody warm up!