When you’re trying to build a career out of telling sexy, romantic stories, you tend to think a lot of sexy thoughts. It’s part of the job description. To tell sexy love stories, you need to think sexy. To think otherwise would be like baking a cake while you’re not hungry. It helps to be vested in your work is what I’m saying.
My efforts, and all the sexy thoughts that come with it, are finally starting to bear fruit. Beyond my self-publishing endeavors, I’m finally getting the attention of a few small-time publishers. One book, “Embers of Eros,” is set for release later this month. The other, “Passion Relapse,” is poised for release in 2017.
If all goes well, these sexy thoughts may actually help me pay the bills one day. That day is still a ways off, but I won’t let that keep me from thinking about sexy things that will hopefully inspire more sexy stories. There’s always a market for sexiness. It’s one of the few recession-proof markets that doesn’t involve alcohol and I hope to carve my place in it.
As part of that effort, I want to keep sharing some of these sexy thoughts with the world. So long as I have sexy thoughts to share, I’ll keep sharing them through what I guess is my new weekly column, Jack Fisher’s “Sexy Sunday Thoughts.”
After a long week, we all need to think about something less stressful or overwhelming. The holidays make it even more challenging. There are gifts to buy, presents to wrap, decorations to hang, and eggnog to drink. I get it. The holidays are stressful. So in the spirit of the holidays, let these sexy thoughts help ease the tension.
“When we call someone a dick or a pussy, it’s an insult. But when that same person actually uses their dick or their pussy properly, it’s a point of pride.”
I’ve always found this kind of odd, using genitals to insult people. We love our genitals. We take pride in how they look and how we use them. So why use them as insults?
“Sex sells, but only a handful of people can get away with charging a premium.”
Let’s face it, not every woman looks like Kate Upton and not every man looks like Brad Pitt. I think that slogan needs to be revised. Sex does indeed sell, but only to a point. Seeing Jonah Hill drink a Pepsi isn’t going to make too many people horny enough to change their drinking habits.
“Cult leaders tend to be extremely horny, extremely jealous, and extremely reluctant to pay taxes. They’re basically every male slacker’s dream job.”
I’ve noticed that charismatic cult leaders often convince beautiful women, and even a few men, that salvation can be achieved through his penis in some form or another. Is it shady? Yes, it most definitely is. Then again, when you make sex a holy sacrament, it does cut down on the small talk so damn it if it isn’t uncomfortably practical.
“Being a good multi-tasker should be a prerequisite for seeking a three-way.”
This applies to both genders. It’s just common courtesy. If you’re going to get more people involved in your love life, at least make sure you can dedicate the necessary energy to sharing the joy.
“Orgasms are one of the few bodily functions that have been seen as both a disease and a cure.”
It’s no secret anymore. Orgasms have many wonderful health benefits. It’s the best medicine you can get without a prescription. Even so, there are certain conditions where orgasms can become a problem and the actions of uptight authority figures certainly doesn’t help.
“Words can hurt, but words can also make us horny so it balances out.”
Words have a great deal of power. Like most things in this complicated and imperfect world, it’s a matter of how you use them. Some use them to be assholes. Some use them to tell sex, steamy stories. I think I’ve made clear which one I prefer.
“The sexier a drug makes us feel, the less we care about the side-effects.”
We’ll tolerate all sorts of bizarre side-effects from the endless cocktail of drugs that flood the modern world, but if those side-effects include more erections and orgasms, then that tolerance grows considerably. We don’t care if it gives us seizures or turns our tongue black. If it helps us fuck like porn stars on crack, we’ll find a way to endure.
“The heroes and villains of every story either have too much sex or not enough. Is there no room for a healthy middle ground?”
As a comic book fan, I find this somewhat troubling. On one hand, we have Wolverine and James Bond, who get more ass than a toilet seat at Taco Bell. On the other, we have Captain America and Superman, who barely get any ass at all. I think there’s room for balance. Then again, if everyone got enough sex, there wouldn’t be many villains to begin with, would there?
“If you add the words ‘while masturbating’ to the end of every feat, it makes it all the more impressive.”
Go on. Try it! Go to any news feed. Look up any article about someone who did something amazing. Then, tack on those two extra words and let your dirty imagination run wild.
Hope this warms everyone up. Hope it gives everyone some sexy thoughts to think about. I’ll keep my dirty mind active for your sexy entertainment. It’s what I do.